Creativity

Learning by Doing: The Path to Real Growth

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You’ve probably come across somebody at least once or twice (or a few thousand times) in this lifetime that acts like they ‘know’ everything or who needs to be ‘right’ all the time?

They have airtight opinions, immovable perspectives, and a catalogue of well-rehearsed arguments at their disposal to keep letting the world know how ‘right’ they are and how ‘wrong’ everybody else is.

On the surface, this might seem impressive and you may even be intimidated by their intellectual prowess…but – if you really stop and think about it – ‘knowing’ everything and being ‘right’ all the time just means that you’ve stopped LEARNING.

In other words, it’s unreal.

The moment you stop learning is the moment you stop growing and – when you stop growing – you become trapped in the same small box that you’ve been living in for God knows how long, mistaking its walls for the edges of reality itself.

Real growth isn’t about collecting conceptual knowledge like Pokémon cards – it’s about staying in motion, evolving deeper into wholeness, and constantly learning by doing – pushing at the edges of what you think you know, every single day (and finding out for sure).

The difference between those who evolve and those who stagnate is simple:

Some people attempt to learn before they do, or – worse – learn and never do. Whereas others (the REAL ONES) learn by doing.

If you want to break free from an unreal life, the way forward is clear: stop clinging to intellectual knowledge as if it’s reality itself and start treating learning as an ongoing, lived experience that shows you how to be REAL.

Let’s dive in and dig deeper:

The Trap of Conceptual Knowledge

There’s a seductive appeal to ‘knowing’ things:

We want certainty, we want to feel like we’ve got the world figured out, and, so, we construct tidy narratives – slotting new information into the framework of what we already believe because of our current sense of identity (ego).

But this is stasis, not growth because – like we said – when you seek only to confirm what you already ‘know’, then you’ve stopped learning: the mind becomes like a closed-loop system, feeding on its own recycled thoughts instead of expanding to accommodate something new.

This is why so many people end up trapped and ‘stuck’ in their own intellectual arrogance – because they’re so busy knowing that they forget to see what’s actually there.

True learning, on the other hand, is fluid and dynamic – it moves with life, constantly adapting and becoming more real as new insight is acquired that dissolves outdated and unreal beliefs – in other words, it’s a dance between what you know and what you don’t yet understand.

When we put it like this, the difference is pretty simple:

  • Stasis: You make up your mind, then look for evidence to confirm it.
  • Growth: You hold tentative opinions, then look for evidence to challenge them.

One leads to rigidity and unreality; the other leads to freedom and a deeper connection to realness.

Reality Can’t Be Conceptualised – Only Experienced

At its core, learning is experiential – it’s not about memorising information or stacking up abstract theories. It’s about living through things, adapting, and integrating new insight and experiences into your being.

Any ‘knowledge’ that doesn’t eventually lead you back to an experience of something real is just mental clutter that creates a barrier between you and life itself – concepts stacked upon concepts until reality itself becomes one step removed and you find yourself living in a theoretical abstraction rather than something you actually touch and be a ‘part’ of.

This is the danger of becoming too obsessed with ‘knowing’ and being ‘right’ about things:

You can be a walking encyclopaedia and still have no real understanding of the world or what it means to live a REAL life.

The way out of this trap?

Push the edges of the little box that you might be keeping yourself in.

  • Go to places you’ve never been before.
  • Surround yourself with people who challenge your assumptions.
  • Put yourself in situations that force you to rethink who you are.
  • Do things that feel out of character – because that’s just another illusion of the Ego anyway.

Realness isn’t found in conceptual frameworks (though we can use concepts as tools to understand things) – it’s found in action, in flow, and in participation with life itself.

Pushing the Edges of the Box

The only way to grow in any area of life is to continually push at the edges of what you think you know. Even if you never escape the box completely, you can keep making it bigger, because you’ll realise that we can always go deeper into the wholeness of reality and what it has to teach us.

It’s can be easy to believe you’ve got yourself all figured out:

“I’m not the kind of person who does X.” “That’s just not me.” “I could never do that” – these are all things that you might have thought about yourself somewhere along the line…

These are self-imposed limitations, though – fragments of identity that you’ve picked up along the way and mistaken for the wholeness of your realness.

REAL growth happens outside the boundaries of these fragments that you’ve become attached to and the more you experiment, the more you realise you are far less fixed than you ever imagined (we normally just want to be ‘fixed’ because of underlying emotional ‘stuff’ – usually shame).

When you embrace this attitude of continuous learning by doing, it becomes an organic process – an ongoing dialogue between yourself and reality from moment-to-moment. You start to live in alignment with the flow of life, rather than in resistance to it.

And that’s the key difference between those who are truly alive and those who are merely existing:

Some people are participants in reality; others are just observers.

Which one do you want to be?

Practical Integration: How to Live by Learning

So how do you take this from an idea into something tangible that you can actually use?

1. Challenge One Belief Every Week

Pick a belief you hold strongly – something about yourself, the world, or reality itself and actively seek out experiences or perspectives that challenge it.

You don’t have to change your mind, but you do have to be open to questioning it and making sure you really know why you think what you think (a lot of us have opinions but don’t know the reasons for these opinions…we just kinda picked them up).

2. Learn Through Action, Not Just Research

Instead of endlessly reading, watching videos, or listening to podcasts about something – go do it. You don’t need to “know everything” before you start (because that’s impossible anyway). The best learning happens in motion so go make some moves.

3. Put Yourself in Uncomfortable Situations

Growth happens at the edges of your comfort zone so make it a habit to deliberately put yourself in situations that stretch you and help you grow into your potential:

New social environments, new skills, new experiences – each one expands your world and shows you what’s real and what’s just a concept you had attached to.

4. Stay in Motion – Don’t Let Conceptual Knowledge Block Your Path

Ask yourself: Am I still learning, or have I just been stockpiling information?

If you’re stuck in the “preparation” phase, break the cycle by remembering that action breeds understanding far more than overthinking ever will.

5. Recognise That Your Mind Will Resist Change

Your ego wants certainty – it wants a clear map of reality that it can hold onto but real learning requires stepping into uncertainty which means that these “clear maps” don’t exist.

The more you resist uncertainty, the more you stay trapped in an unreal life.

The only way to GROW REAL is to face uncertainty, engage in the process, and learn by doing.

Final Thoughts: Learn Beyond Your Limits, Live Beyond Your Interpretations

The symbols in your head are always out-of-sync with reality itself. They are merely representations – useful, some pointing more closely to reality than others, but never the thing itself.

If you want to truly live your REAL life, you must go whatever concepts you’re currently attaching yourself to and experience what’s beyond them.

Keep learning and doing – not by clinging to concepts, but by continually engaging with what’s real. If you can do this, you don’t just accumulate knowledge – you become something greater than what you were before: more REAL.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number twenty nine in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Apotheosis and Realness: The Path to Integration

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Apotheosis is the path to wholeness and trust.

What does it mean to achieve apotheosis?

The word itself is Greek in origin and means to become divine or to reach the highest possible state of being but it pops up in various schools of thought and throughout human history:

In the ancient myths, heroes like Hercules achieved apotheosis by ascending to godhood; in philosophy, apotheosis can be seen as the peak of human potential and growth; in spirituality, apotheosis is often framed as ‘enlightenment’, union with God, or ultimate self-realisation. I like to call it ‘Wholeness’ or ‘Realness’.

Despite all these ‘common’ usages of the word true apotheosis it’s often misunderstood in a world saturated with self-help quick fixes, magic bullets, and pseudo-spiritual fluff (aka Spiritual Bullsh*ttery) – it’s even less rarely attained (mainly because our culture encourages to get lost in the Ego instead of growing REAL).

But what if it wasn’t some unreachable, mythical state? What if apotheosis was simply the natural result of stripping away all that is unreal and returning to REALNESS?

In this article, we’ll break down what apotheosis really is, how it relates to trust, integration, and wholeness, and why most people never reach it. Most importantly, we’ll map out a practical framework for putting ourselves on a real path to apotheosis – not as a mystical fantasy, but as a real, lived experience.

Let’s dig deeper and climb a little higher:

Why We’re Not Already There: The Problem of Fragmentation

Apotheosis – just like your REALNESS – isn’t something you need to gain; it’s something you need to tune back into and remember.

In other words, it’s your natural state when you strip away everything that isn’t real.

The reason we don’t already live in this state is fragmentation – the core wound of the human condition which is caused by SHAME causing us to become disconnected from the TRUTH and, thus, to deny ourselves, the world, and reality (because of the great Shadow Dance between the Ego and the Shadow Self).

This fragmentation happens on multiple levels:

  1. Egoic Distortion – We don’t see reality as it is because we project fears, past wounds, and conditioned beliefs onto the world, distorting truth and taking us deeper into the Void.
  2. Emotional Resistance – We suppress, deny, identify with, or dissociate from emotions instead of integrating them, leading to psychological suffering (because we end up clinging to ego and taking ourselves out of the flow of life instead of remembering that emotions are e-motion, energy in motion and moving forward).
  3. Physical Disharmony – Our nervous system, posture, breath, and lifestyle keep us locked in stress and reactivity, rather than openness and trust.

Like I said, the root of all this is one thing and one thing only: Shame – the primal sense of being separate from wholeness/Truth/God.

This is the “Fall” that they speak of in the Bible, the original split, and the reason we seek but never find (because think that our realness is something that we have to ‘achieve’ when, really, it’s received).

Apotheosis, then, isn’t about ascending – getting to some imaginary ‘higher’ place or being ‘better’ or ‘more’ of something – it’s about integrating.

It’s about removing the emotional and mental blocks to realness so that trust, flow, and wholeness can be experienced fully in our REAL NATURE.

Let’s break down exactly how to start doing this:

Step 1: Dissolve Shame (The Original Source of Fragmentation)

To reach apotheosis, you must remove the fundamental distortion between you and yourself and between you and REAL life: the belief that you are inherently flawed, separate, or unworthy.

Shame isn’t just a feeling – it’s the source of the EGO and the Ego is just a lens or filter through which you interpret reality. When you carry shame, you don’t experience life as it is – you experience it through the filter of your own perceived defectiveness in an attempt to keep the Ego where it is (because you think it protects you from shame – when, actually, it’s the thing that sustains it – and keeps the Shadow Self at bay).

The key is to see shame for what it is: an illusion – it is learned, not fundamental to your nature or the way that you were born to be (whole). The truth is that you’re already whole. You’re already real.

You’ve just been conditioned to believe otherwise.

How to start dissolving shame instead of being driven by it:

  • Radical honesty: Notice where you hide, perform, or edit yourself to be ‘acceptable’ – that’s shame in action and it’s stopping you from growing and flowing with life.
  • Compassionate witnessing: Instead of running from painful emotions, sit with them. Let them be seen. Shame cannot survive exposure – as soon as you look at it, it starts to dissolve.
  • Return to the body: Shame is stored in the nervous system. Somatic work – yoga, breathwork, movement, shaking, vocal expression – helps to release it and puts your nervous system in a state where you can receive and embrace wholeness rather than perceive ‘threats’ everywhere – internally and externally – and remain ‘stuck’ in fragmentation.

Once shame is seen through, your foundation starts to shift: instead of operating from the identity you created to survive the dreamworld of the Void that your shame pulled you into, you begin operating from wholeness instead.

This is the first step towards apotheosis because the core problem is always shame.

Step 2: Trust Reality (Stop Resisting Life)

Apotheosis is not about controlling life but about fully participating in it and having a relationship with it.

Most people are trapped in a mindset of force – trying to manipulate outcomes, control the perceptions of others, and protect themselves from uncertainty (even though uncertainty is actually a gift that can lead you into your realness).

The truth is that our real power as human beings doesn’t come from force – which is always ego and the illusion of separation and stasis. It comes from flow.

Flow happens when you accept and trust reality instead of resisting it.

When you let go of the need to manipulate, control, or make things happen, you become an active participant in life’s natural interplay and can exist as your real, interdependent self.

How to start building trust in a real way:

  • Stop intellectualising everything. Reality isn’t something to figure out – it’s something to experience. Over-analysis blocks trust because it makes you act like you can figure everything out (which no real human being can – the idea that we can is just a belief of the Ego…which is unreal).
  • Release attachment to outcomes. When you trust, you no longer grip onto specific results. You act, but you don’t force. This is because you don’t need specific outcomes to fill the Void inside yourself – instead, you just want outcomes that allow you to express more of your realness or to take you deeper into acceptance.
  • Practice surrender. Surrender doesn’t mean inaction – it means letting go of resistance or trying to force actions that are purely motivated by ego. It means that you do your best and let go of the rest (leave it to life).

When you trust fully, you stop living in fear (because trust is the opposite of fear – see my book on the subject: Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace).

When fear dissolves, you start to feel something else: a deep, natural interconnection with everything.

This is a second step towards apotheosis.

Step 3: Transcend the Ego Without Denying It

The Ego itself is not the enemy because it’s totally unreal (it’s just an illusion that you buy into) – the problems start when you believe you ARE the Ego.

Thoughts, emotions, and sense of self are all part of your experience – but they are not you because you are the one experiencing them.

Apotheosis doesn’t mean destroying or ‘killing’ the Ego (an impossible task that many victims of ‘Spiritual Bullsh*ttery waste their lives trying to fulfil) – it means seeing its limits.

Once you realise that your thoughts, fears, and identity constructs are just mental formations, you no longer take them so seriously and can step back and experience life instead of just filtering it through concepts and interpretations.

How to put the Ego in the backseat and your REALNESS in the driving seat:

  • Observe your mind like a scientist. See your thoughts as clouds passing by then let them. Learn to step back and observe instead of react to everything.
  • Detach from identity roles. You are not your job, past, or labels. You are the awareness behind them.
  • Embody presence. Stop living in abstraction and conceptualisation. Get into your body, your breath, and direct experience.

Once the Ego stops running the show, something shifts:

Instead of being trapped in the FILTER – you begin experiencing life in an unfiltered and real way.

This is the third step towards apotheosis.

Step 4: Master the Mind-Body System

Apotheosis isn’t just an intellectual or spiritual pursuit – it’s physical because your nervous system determines whether you feel safe, present, and open, or reactive, anxious, and closed off.

Most people live in a sympathetic-dominant state – wired for survival, stuck in fight-or-flight mode most of the time, and unable to fully trust (because you can’t trust if you see ‘threats’ everywhere).

To reach apotheosis, you must shift into a balanced state where your body and mind work with you, not against you. This involves regulating your nervous system so that your parasympathetic nervous system can take over when it needs to (not all of the time, just so you can feel safe and relaxed when need be).

How to start balancing your nervous system:

  • Breathwork: Slow, deep breathing shifts your nervous system into trust because it activates the parasympathetic nervous system. Start with 4-7-8 breathing (inhale for 4-seconds, retain for 7, and exhale for 8). Always breathe through your nose as it releases nitric oxide which dilates your blood vessels and carries more oxygen through your body.
  • Somatic work: Stretch, shake, or move to release stored tension and to become more present in your body (yoga is also amazing for this – especially yin yoga if you’re trying to regulate your nervous system)
  • Exercise regularly: Strengthen resilience by teaching your system to regulate under stress.

Once your body stops signalling danger and threat where there is none (including in relation to your own inner emotional state because of shame), trust becomes effortless.

And when trust becomes effortless, we align ourselves with our REAL LIVES>

This is the fourth step towards apotheosis.

Step 5: Die Before You Die (The Ultimate Surrender)

The final step is the most difficult but also the most liberating:

To reach true apotheosis, you must surrender completely. You must die before you die – meaning, you must let go of everything you are clinging to, including your own identity (in the form of the Ego).

This is what Jesus demonstrated in his final moments: total, unshakeable trust in God, even in suffering – this is the moment the Ego fully dissolves, and what remains is pure, unfiltered reality.

And at this level, life is no longer something you do – it is something you are and you get a real taste of WHOLENESS.

We might not reach the state of apotheosis that Jesus reached, but we can take steps into deeper wholeness every day.

Final Thoughts: Apotheosis is Real

Apotheosis isn’t just a myth – it’s not an unattainable ideal: it’s simply the process of stripping away everything unreal until only REALNESS remains.

And the truth is that real always works.

Stay real out there,

The Abundance Mindset: Don’t Chase It, Attract it

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An Abundance Mindset is the Key to Real Success in Relationships and Business

We live in an ego-driven world and the Ego is obsessed with scarcity – this means that many of us are running around filtering everything through the ‘scarcity’ lens and missing out on REAL opportunities in life:

Maybe you’re one of these people yourself – constantly worrying about losing opportunities, feeling like you’re missing out, or even that – at some fundamental level – you’re not ‘enough’.

In this article, I want to help you understand that this way of thinking is just an illusion, a trick of the fragmented mind, and your own emotional ‘stuff’ projected out into the world around you (perception is projection, after all).

The truth is that abundance is real and an abundance mindset is not just about positive thinking or deluding yourself – it’s about aligning with the deep reality of wholeness and the way that things actually are.

When you understand that what’s real is always real, everything changes and you open up the door to your real life.

Let’s dig a little deeper to see what all of this means for you and your life:

Abundance comes when you start to see things as they are

What is an Abundance Mindset?

People love to talk about “Abundance” these days but what does it actually mean when we’re being REAL about it?

Let’s start with what an abundance mindset isn’t:

An abundance mindset is not about wishful thinking, nor is it about pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. It’s not about deluding yourself into thinking you can just have whatever you want without working for it or putting in any effort; nor is it about “faking it until you make it” or doing anything else that involves pretending to be something that you’re not or that the world you live in isn’t what it actually is.

Instead – when we’re REAL – an abundance mindset is about recognising that you’re already connected to everything you need and that you already have the power to create and make the most of the opportunities that are available to you. It means trusting in the natural flow of life, rather than grasping for external validation or forcing things to happen, and moving towards your goals with an open-mind instead of a closed one and with REALNESS instead of ego.

Abundance means knowing that what is real cannot be lost because, like I said above (and in my book Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World), what’s real is always real:

If something is ‘meant’ for you, it will either come (if you take action) or it will stay with you; if something never arrives or leaves, it wasn’t truly yours to begin with.

This is about connecting to and staying rooted in a sense of wholeness – the foundation of an abundance mindset (and also the foundation of being REAL because everything comes back to being whole).

If you can learn to operate from this place, both your relationships and your business thrive because you no longer operate from fear or lack – instead you’re just grounded in what’s real about yourself, the world, and reality.

To get to this place, you may first need to learn to LET GO:

The Power of Letting Go

One of the greatest barriers to success in any area of life is attachment to the unreal and treating the FRAGMENTS of life as the WHOLE of life:

When we become obsessed with a particular outcome, we unknowingly push it away, because we’re putting it on a pedestal and treating it as something that is disconnected from us. This just takes us out of the process of moving towards it and causes us to see it as being way more important than it actually is (we think that it will fill the Void inside ourselves without realising that this is just because we think it can give us what only wholeness can give us…despite our already being whole).

Getting ‘obsessed’ in this way just makes us desperate and desperation repels things (“if you chase it, it runs away). The opposite of this is the confidence that comes from being grounded in the REALNESS of WHOLENESS – important here because confidence attracts.

In short, then, an abundance mindset allows you to be outcome-independent, meaning you are not enslaved to external results for your self-worth (because you know that what’s real is always real and so you don’t need to outsource your self-acceptance to your goals – instead, you can just enjoy your goals as an expression of your realness).

When you operate from abundance like this, you can also LET GO of needing something to happen in a particular way. Instead, you focus on the process of moving towards things by taking real action. Ironically, this detachment makes success more likely because when you are too fixated on results, you are not present or engaged with reality.

Instead, when you stay rooted in the process, the results take care of themselves.

Trusting That There Are Always More Opportunities

The truth about life is that it’s filled with opportunities, but only if you are open to them:

The scarcity mindset tells you that every ‘failure’ is the end of the road; the abundance mindset tells you that ‘failure‘ is just another step towards what is real. Scarcity makes you more fragmented but abundance leads towards wholeness.

Even if something doesn’t work out, it serves you in the end because every experience that brings you closer to acceptance also brings you closer to wholeness.

This applies to everything: jobs, relationships, sales, personal goals. The moment you realise that life will always provide new doors to walk through, you stop chasing.

And when you stop chasing, you start receiving.

The Garden and the Butterflies

Imagine your life as a garden:

If you spend your time frantically running around, trying to catch butterflies, they will always flutter just out of reach as they fly away from you. But if you tend to your garden, instead – if you cultivate yourself, your skills, your mindset, and grow REAL – the butterflies come to you naturally.

People, opportunities, and success are no different – when you focus on growing real, instead of grasping for things to fill the Void, life moves in your favour because you’re moving with life instead of against it.

This is the essence of abundance – not just taking but creating.

Staying Grounded No Matter What

The key to true abundance is staying grounded and rooted in your REALNESS:

The world will test you whether you have a scarcity or an abundance mindset (that’s just how life goes) – you will face setbacks, losses, and moments of doubt – but an abundance mindset is about giving up the unnecessary struggle that comes from resisting life and instead trusting that even the inevitable struggles serve a higher purpose.

Staying grounded means:

  • Trusting in the process instead of panicking about results
  • Detaching from external validation and knowing your worth is intrinsic
  • Letting go of control and allowing things to unfold naturally
  • Taking real action instead of forcing things out of F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).

Abundance in Business

Many people think that in order to succeed in business, they must be aggressive, chase clients, and push for results but this approach often backfires.

This is because people unconsciously pick up on desperation – they recoil from those who try too hard (just like those butterflies in the garden that fly beyond your grasp).

A business rooted in abundance, however, thrives on service:

Instead of forcing things, you focus on creating value; you trust that by showing up in a real way, the right clients, opportunities, and growth will follow.

Even in high-stakes environments where results are necessary (e.g. sales targets, commission-based work), staying indifferent to the outcome leads to better performance. This is because it keeps you focused on the process, rather than the pressure and the desperation that comes from caving into it.

Abundance in Relationships

An abundance mindset transforms relationships because it allows you to show up as you are, without needing others to validate you. In this sense, you’re no longer trying to ‘prove’ your worth or manipulate situations to get what you want. Instead, you trust that the right connections will naturally align with you because you’re being real (and if people don’t align you get let them go without drama or taking things personally).

This makes you more attractive, not just romantically but in all areas of life – whether in friendships, partnerships, or networking, people are drawn to those who exude the real confidence that abundance brings.

In short, real confidence comes from knowing you have nothing to lose – because what is real is always real and so are you.

Bringing Abundance into Your Life: Practical Steps

Understanding abundance is one thing but how do you live it?

Here are some key ways to integrate an abundance mindset into your daily life:

  1. Shift Your Focus to Process Over Outcomes
    • Set clear goals, but don’t obsess over them because you think they will fill the Void.
    • Stay engaged with the present moment.
    • Let go of needing things to happen a certain way.
  2. Practise Trust
    • Remind yourself that life always provides what you need in the end (if you don’t believe me, look back at your life)
    • Reflect on past situations where things worked out unexpectedly.
    • When something doesn’t go your way, say, “This is a lesson, not a loss.”
  3. Detach From External Validation
    • Stop outsourcing your self-worth or levels of self-acceptance to achievements or approval.
    • Recognise that you are already whole and that you can express from this wholeness instead of chasing things to make you feel whole (because you already are – it’s just our ego and its mental blocks that stops us seeing this sometimes)
    • Take actions because they align with your values and what you want to express in a real way, not because you need validation.
  4. Cultivate Realness
    • Focus on growing real in yourself instead of chasing results.
    • Take action from a place of authenticity, not fear.
    • Trust that the right people and opportunities will align with you when you are real (and then watch it happen).
  5. Stay Grounded
    • Develop a daily practice that keeps you centred (e.g. meditation, journalling, getting into your body with breathwork or yoga etc.).
    • When things don’t go as planned, pause and remind yourself of the bigger picture and KEEP TRUSTING ANYWAY.
    • Surround yourself with people who reinforce abundance thinking (i.e not haters or people who never take action but complain about everything etc.).

The Final Truth About Abundance

An abundance mindset serves you because it aligns with reality -it allows you to move through life with confidence, trust, and presence and makes you more effective in business, more fulfilled in relationships, and more at peace with yourself.

The world is full of opportunities, connections, and resources but you’ll only see them when you stop chasing and start trusting.

Tend to that garden, stay grounded, and remember: what is real is always real.

Stay real out there,

Semen Retention and the Nervous System: A Tool for Growing Real and Finding Purpose

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Getting back into the unforced rhythms of REAL life.

In the modern world, men are bombarded with so many unreal distractions that pull them away from their natural rhythms and deeper sense of REAL purpose:

Whether it’s overstimulation through technology like social media and pornography, to a culture that promotes instant gratification and having every need ‘met’ as soon as it arises, it’s not really a massive surprise that so many men out there feel drained, fragmented, and disconnected from themselves.

But what if there was a way to reclaim your energy, focus, and presence – one that goes beyond superficial ‘self-improvement’ and taps into something deeper?

Oh, wait, there is – it’s called “Semen Retention” (stay with me if you haven’t heard of this before – talking about things like ‘semen’ is always a bit of a sensitive topic but it’s also one of the most powerful things you can learn about as a man).

Semen retention is not just about abstinence – it’s powerful tool for transformation:

It allows men to step out of unconscious patterns, regulate their nervous system, and channel their energy into something REAL. Much more than just a ‘practice’ it’s a LIFESTYLE CHOICE that serves as a means of moving from fragmentation to wholeness and from a reactionary and empty existence to a purposeful life.

This article explores why semen retention works and some of the benefits that it can bring to your life as a man.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Balancing the Nervous System: The Key to Real Success

A dysregulated nervous system is the hidden enemy of success and it’s one of the most common problems in the world (that most people don’t even know about).

The main problem when it comes to the nervous system is to have what’s known as sympathetic dominance – this means that the part of your nervous system responsible for putting you in fight-or-flight mode (your sympathetic nervous system) is overly-activated and stimulated so much so that the part of your nervous system responsible for helping you relax and enjoy life (the parasympathetic nervous system) doesn’t work when it needs to.

This kind of sympathetic dominance just keeps you in a state of ‘high-alert’ where you’re constantly on edge and filled with tension. This can bring all kinds of physical and mental symptoms that hold you back from your REAL life and also affect the way you identify with yourself and relate to others on a long enough timeline (because you start to think that these ‘symptoms’ – irritability, anxiety, depression, etc. etc. etc. – are just ‘You’).

The main downside is that when you’re constantly in a state of fight-or-flight, your body burns through its energy reserves, keeping you on edge, exhausted, and reactive. Most men don’t realise that their perpetual fatigue, stress, anxiety, or the tendency to see threats where none exist is linked to deeper issues with the nervous system and how we relate to ourselves at the level of the body.

Semen retention helps to restore balance to the whole mind-body system by reducing nervous system overstimulation:

Instead of depleting yourself through unconscious habits and identities, you allow your body to settle into a more relaxed state (because the parasympathetic nervous system is activated when it needs to be) – making it easier to focus, take action, and stay resilient in the face of challenges.

In short, when you’re not burning through your life force energy unnecessarily, you give yourself a greater chance of success – not just externally, but also internally.

Returning to Life’s Natural Rhythms

There’s an important difference between forcing life and flowing with it:

When you break free from the habit of ejaculation for its own sake – whether through mindless masturbation or meaningless sex – you stop manipulating and disturbing your body’s natural state and begin to move with reality instead of against it. This allows you to start TRUSTING your body to flow with life instead of forcing it to do things it doesn’t need to do because your mind is disturbed and needs an outlet.

This is what Jesus referred to as “the unforced rhythms of grace” (in a modern translation of the Bible called ‘The Message’): Your body and mind begin to align with something real rather than being hijacked by urges and conditioned behaviours (which are always caused by filtering your bodily instincts through the Ego instead of being present and acting on something REAL).

Instead, by training yourself to take control of your body and practise semen retention, you can learn to act from clarity instead of from compulsion. This puts you in a state where you can take REAL ACTION and become one with life rather than take UNREAL ACTION and take yourself out of life.

In short, when you stop feeding bodily habits through identity (ego), you create space for something higher and much more REAL:

You are no longer dictated by old programming and the habits and distractions that stem from this programming but are free to make conscious choices that serve your real self (your REALNESS), rather than a false version of EGO that is simply a collection of habits and conditioned reactions to unresolved, underlying emotional ‘stuff’ (usually SHAME which is what disconnects us from life and truth in the first place).

A Natural Reservoir of Energy for Your Vision

The bottom line is that every man on the planet has a limited amount of energy but, unfortunately, most spend it wastefully, scattering it in all directions, with no real purpose or intent.

Semen retention helps to create and maintain a natural reservoir of energy that you can tap into and use in order to move towards your purpose and to smash through your goals.

There is one caveat, however and it’s this:

Without direction, that reservoir of energy can become a source of frustration rather than power.

This is because if you do semen retention without a conscious awareness of your REAL purpose, you’ll likely feel restless, irritable, and ungrounded. This is because energy is meant to be transmuted – channelled into something that makes you more real whilst also making the world around you more real.

This is why it’s crucial to have a vision and purpose that you are actively working towards and that keeps challenging and stretching you to go deeper into your own REALNESS. When you direct your retained energy into meaningful pursuits, you cultivate strength, drive, and real momentum that allows you to keep growing and evolving.

Without this sense of purpose, however, your energy will likely turn against you and you’ll become filled with friction, frustration, and misery as you don’t have a creative outlet for what’s inside you.

This is why it’s important to remember that semen retention isn’t the end goal – it’s the tool that fuels your mission towards the realisation of your vision. Used correctly, it will give you the stamina, clarity, and willpower to build something meaningful but – without REAL vision – that same energy can turn against you, making you feel like a caged animal with nowhere to go.

(Writing this so you know what to expect should you take this path).

Confidence, Presence, and Nervous System Regulation

Semen retention can help you to increase your confidence but it’s also a reminder that confidence isn’t something you fake – it’s something that emerges naturally when your body, mind, and nervous system are fully aligned and you’re taking REAL ACTION (which is where confidence comes from: action, not thinking).

In polyvagal theory (PVT) – another theory about nervous system regulation that focuses on toning the vagal nerve – true confidence comes from being in the ventral vagal state – a calm, engaged, and responsive mode of being where you are fully present. When you stop unnaturally draining your energy because of ego ‘stuff’, your nervous system becomes more regulated, allowing you to respond to life instead of reacting impulsively. This creates a deep, unshakable sense of presence that people can feel (which is why so many people who practise semen retention talk about the kind of animal magnetism and attraction they feel from others).

This kind of deep confidence isn’t about external bravado – it’s about knowing that you can handle whatever life throws at you without being thrown off-centre because you can TRUST yourself and life (you can do your best (trust yourself to act) and let go of the rest (let life handle the rest)).

In short, when you stop seeking cheap dopamine hits and wasting your semen, you become grounded in real stability, making you more magnetic, more capable, and more real.

Dissolving Shame and Connecting to Something Higher

The main reason that men (or women) fall into addictive habits is because of a sense of underlying SHAME (the unreal belief that they’re not good enough which causes them to become disconnected from the TRUTH).

In relation to what we’re talking about in this article, shame is the invisible force that keeps men small; it’s what drives compulsive behaviours, fuels insecurities, and keeps people stuck in cycles of self-sabotage.

To make things even worse, most men don’t even realise they’re carrying it and being DRIVEN by it.

Semen retention acts as a mirror because it starts to reveal the hidden shame that may have been lurking beneath the surface so that some HEALING can begin and the fragmented self that was created by SHAME can be replaced by something WHOLE and REAL.

An unspoken truth is that many men feel, shame, guilt, or unease around wasting their semen, even if they can’t articulate why. This is because, on some level, they know they are leaking something valuable and precious – not just physically, but energetically.

By breaking free from compulsive sexual habits, you allow that shame to start dissolving:

As it does, you begin to transcend the ego and connect to something greater – whether you call it God, love, truth, or reality itself. When shame is no longer blocking the way (and the ego that you created because of this shame), you can experience a deeper flow state, where you move with life rather than against it in the presence of this higher TRUTH.

Semen retention isn’t just about holding back – it’s about reclaiming something that has been lost behind the web of unreal thoughts that blocked your view of life because of unresolved SHAME. It’s about stepping into a version of yourself that is free from unnecessary shame and fully alive in the present moment.

It’s about being REAL again.

Facing the Shadow Self: The Real Work

Many men use ejaculation as a coping device – a way to escape, numb, or distract themselves from the deeper issues caused by underlying shame. When that crutch is removed, something uncomfortable but ultimately beautiful happens: you are forced to confront yourself.

This is where shadow integration begins.

Your Shadow Self is the part of you that you’ve rejected, suppressed, or denied – usually because of shame (but also commonly because of guilt and/or trauma). It hides behind your EGO – the ‘false’ version of yourself that was created so you could handle yourself in the world despite whatever originally shamed you in the world and made you feel like you had to hide ‘parts’ of your own REALNESS.

When you remove the distraction of compulsive sexual habits that lead to wasted semen, you come face-to-face with two very important things:

  1. Your hidden emotional baggage – unresolved pain, childhood wounds, or insecurities you’ve buried down in the Shadow Territory.
  2. Your unreal beliefs and identities – false narratives you’ve told yourself to avoid the discomfort of facing the truth and to keep the Ego in place.

Semen retention forces you to wrestle with these things because it removes the coping mechanisms that kept you from facing the truth about yourself. At first, this will probably be incredibly uncomfortable and your mind will try to pull you back into old habits where you feel ‘safe’ (despite not wanting to be there because of all of the symptoms of nervous system dysregulation and ego) but – if you push through – you will eventually integrate the lost shadow ‘parts’ of yourself and become whole again.

When you face your shadow, you stop living through the Ego and start living through truth. This is why semen retention is not just about ‘discipline’ or even about just getting more ‘energy’ – it’s about becoming real.

Ancient Wisdom: Semen Retention in Spiritual Traditions

Semen retention is not a new concept (though it’s becoming more-and-more popular as people find out the benefits of this practice):

For thousands of years, spiritual traditions all around the planet have recognised the power of conserving and consciously directing sexual energy into something real – throughout the ages, sages, yogis, and mystics have all taught that retaining and transmuting sexual energy leads to greater vitality, mental clarity, and even spiritual awakening.

Here are some examples as food for thought:

Taoism: Cultivating Jing into Shen

In Taoist philosophy, semen is seen as Jing, the essential life force that fuels vitality, longevity, and the journey towards higher consciousness.

Taoist masters taught that frequent ejaculation depletes this energy, leading to weakness and premature ageing. However, when retained and transmuted through practices like Qi Gong and breathwork, Jing is refined into Qi (life energy) and eventually into Shen (spiritual energy) which allows for much higher states of awareness.

The Taoists didn’t advocate for complete celibacy but rather for conscious control over ejaculation, ensuring that sexual energy was preserved and channelled into creative and spiritual pursuits rather than being wasted and bringing friction, frustration, and misery into our lives.

Yoga & Tantra: Brahmacharya and Kundalini Awakening

In yogic traditions, semen retention is closely linked to Brahmacharya, one of the five Yamas (ethical disciplines) in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.

Traditionally, Brahmacharya meant celibacy, but in a broader sense, it refers to self-mastery over sexual energy and connecting to the infinite – using it to fuel higher states of awareness rather than dissipating it through indulgence.

In Tantra and Kundalini Yoga, semen is seen as a concentrated form of life force (Ojas) that, when retained and properly harnessed, can awaken Kundalini energy – the dormant spiritual power within; this energy rises through the chakras, leading to heightened intuition, self-realisation, and enlightenment.

Many yogis claim that excessive ejaculation weakens the mind and body, whereas conservation leads to enhanced willpower, focus, and a deep inner radiance (which is why so many retainers are said to have an ‘inner glow’).

Christian Mysticism: The Power of Purity

In Christian monastic traditions, celibacy was often practised not as repression, but as a means to focus energy on devotion and divine connection:

Many mystics and saints spoke of the power of self-restraint, viewing sexual energy as something that, when mastered, could lead to higher states of grace and wisdom.

Jesus himself taught the importance of living in alignment with truth rather than being enslaved by the desires of the flesh. The idea was not to deny sexuality but to transform it into something greater – a force that could be channelled into service, love, and divine communion.

Sufism & Islamic Teachings: Energy as a Sacred Trust

In Islamic teachings, moderation in sexual activity is encouraged, and excessive indulgence is seen as something that weakens both body and soul:

Many Sufi mystics believed that sexual energy was a sacred trust from God, meant to be honoured and used wisely (everything has an OPPORTUNITY COST, after all); they saw the reckless release of this energy as something that could cloud the mind, weaken spiritual discipline, and disconnect a person from divine presence.

Some Sufi practices involve redirecting sexual energy through dhikr (spiritual remembrance), fasting, and meditation – ensuring that it fuels inner transformation that can lead to a taste of divinity, rather than worldly distractions.

Why These Traditions Were Right

These ancient teachings all point to the same core truth about the human experience (and also remind us that human beings haven’t changed in thousands of years – even if the world around us has):

Sexual energy is a powerful force that, when consciously retained and directed, can lead to profound personal transformation.

When men scatter their energy through excessive and pointless ejaculation, they weaken not only their physical vitality but also their mental clarity and spiritual receptiveness. On the other hand, when this energy is conserved and transmuted, it strengthens the nervous system, sharpens the mind, and deepens the connection to reality so that we can be in the world without being OF the world.

Modern science is beginning to confirm what these traditions have taught for millennia – that semen retention can increase testosterone, improve focus, and enhance overall well-being but – even beyond the physical benefits – it provides something far greater: a pathway to wholeness and growing REAL.

The goal with retaining semen retention is not repression of sexual energy – sex is awesome, after all – but realignment:

When practised with awareness and purpose, semen attention allows men to stop living as slaves to their urges and instead step into their true power as REAL HUMAN BEINGS. It is a tool for mastery – not just over sexual energy but also the self and anything else that requires discipline and focus in this life we’re living.

Practical Implementation: How to Use Semen Retention as a Tool for REALNESS

If you want to use semen retention for real transformation, here are some tips for doing it effectively:

  1. Set a Real Goal – Don’t just retain semen for the sake of it – have a vision and actively work towards it.
  2. Transmute the Energy – Put your retained energy into your work, fitness, creativity, or spiritual growth. Keep finding your EDGE so that the energy doesn’t turn against you.
  3. Regulate Your Nervous System – Use tools like breathwork, cold exposure, and meditation to keep your energy balanced and to regulate your nervous system even more.
  4. Face Your Shadow – Journal, reflect, and allow any suppressed emotions to come to the surface. Check out these exercises to get started: 100 Shadow Work Exercises: Making the Unconscious Conscious & Growing Real
  5. Trust the Process – This isn’t about perfection; it’s about integration so don’t get caught in unrealistic expectations – just keep moving forward. If you ‘relapse’ then get back on the horse and keep riding towards that vision. Don’t look back.

The bottom line is that semen retention isn’t a magic bullet but it is a powerful tool.

Used correctly, it can help you dissolve shame, integrate your shadow, and grow into the man you were meant to be.

The key is not just to withhold – but to receive what is truly real by tuning back into your own natural rhythms.

Stay real out there,

Finding Clarity: When You Don’t Know What to Do, Serve and Trust

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The best way to find REAL clarity is to take REAL action by serving and trusting.

Life in the world can have a funny way of making us feel ‘stuck’:

Maybe it’s a career crossroads, a personal dilemma, or a just a deep sense of foreboding and uncertainty about the future as we try and move into it through the Void – whatever it is, we’ve all had those moments when we simply don’t know what to do and so we kinda…freeze up (humans are gonna human, I guess).

When this ‘stuckness’ lands on our plate, our natural tendency is to try and THINK our way through the confusion, but the more we think, the more clouded things become – especially because it’s usually our ‘thinking’ that got us in this situation in the first place.

The truth is that clarity doesn’t come from overthinking or trying to control every outcome because clarity isn’t a product of FORCING life but a product of responding to life’s FLOW.

Instead, clarity starts to dawn on us when we start to shift our focus away from ourselves and learn to take REAL ACTION – even when we don’t have all the answers.

This essentially involves living to embody two simple principles:

  1. Service
  2. Trust

When you can live to serve others and trust the process of life as it moves towards wholeness, clarity emerges – not because everything falls into place perfectly, but because you stop focusing on your ego’s fear-driven ‘stuff’ and start moving in alignment with a deeper sense of purpose as you grow more REAL and help the world to become a little more real too.

This article will help you find CLARITY by breaking down how and why serving and trusting are the ultimate tools for finding real clarity in your life.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Serving: Getting Out of Your Own Head

The Ego thrives on self-concern and self-obsession – it’s constantly asking questions like, “What do I want?” “What’s the right choice for ME?” or “Am I good enough?“

This leads to confusion, because the ego is UNREAL (and you can only get clarity from REALITY in truth) so it just creates series of mental loops that keeps us stuck in the hamster wheel of the “what’s in it for me?” or “what about me?” mentality.

The more you focus on yourself, the more trapped you become in uncertainty because you’re constantly filtering everything through unanswered questions about yourself and avoiding what’s actually going on in life as it unfolds around you.

Serving others is a powerful antidote to this:

When you focus on contributing to others – whether it’s offering your time, your expertise, your energy, or simply just LISTENING to them – then you move away from the noise of ego and start seeing things with fresh eyes as you tap into life’s pure signal again (without the distortion and resistance that comes from ego).

How Service Brings Clarity

Serving levels you up and brings a sense of real power and energy because it helps you to step outside the whirlpool of self-doubt and uncertainty.

This is because – by focusing on meeting the needs of others (without being needy or co-dependent) – you shift your attention from your own internal chaos to the real, tangible world. In doing so, you allow clarity to emerge naturally, and you’ll find that you start acting from WHOLENESS instead of fragmentation.

This is when life starts to feel REAL:

  • You stop overthinking because serving gives you a practical, real-world task to focus on – instead of overanalysing and freezing up in being ‘stuck’ (which is basically just holding back and hesitating because of ego), you take action and get results that connect you to the world around you (i.e. the action you take is REAL).
  • You discover your strengths because as you GIVE (whereas the Ego just tries to TAKE), you realise your own strengths, virtues, and qualities in ways that abstract contemplation and theorising never can – you learn what you’re truly good at by doing it and having a real world impact, not by theorising or wondering who you might be (because you actually SHOW UP and find out instead).
  • You build real confidence because true confidence doesn’t come from endless introspection or seeking validation – it comes from making a difference in the world by taking ACTION. The more you serve, the clearer your path becomes because you begin to see yourself as part of something bigger than your own concerns and you find your real place in the world with the people that support you (and who you also support in return).

There’s a paradox of REAL GROWTH here but it’s very true and worth remembering:

You can’t grow into the ‘best’ version of yourself by only focusing on yourself.

Clarity doesn’t come from thinking about yourself constantly – it comes from putting your energy into something real and being REAL is about embracing wholeness and interdependence instead of the illusion that we’re all separate and independent.

When you serve, you put yourself into this reality instead of hovering on the threshold of it because your ego doesn’t want you to live a REAL LIFE (because then you won’t ‘need’ the Ego anymore).

Trust: Flowing Instead of Forcing

One of the most powerful ways to find clarity is to TRUST:

Trusting life is not the same as passively waiting for things to unfold; it’s about taking action in the direction of your purpose while releasing the need to control everything.

Or, as I like to say these days:

Do your best (trust yourself) and let go of the rest (trust life).

(See my book ‘Trust’ which is all about this).

The reason we often feel uncertain is because we’re trying to force life to bend to our will due to the (mis)perceived needs of our Ego and the underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that drives it (shame, guilt, and/or trauma).

When we’re filtering everything through the Ego and the need to sustain it (instead of growing real and reconfiguring our relationship with it by putting it in the backseat and our REALNESS in the driving seat), we want to control every outcome, obsess over every detail, and predict every step of the journey.

This just leads to friction and misery because, when we try to do this, we’re only met with frustration and confusion, because life is inherently uncertain and we can’t FORCE it – we can only work with it and then flow towards our vision by taking the REAL ACTION that we can and letting go of whatever is beyond our control.

Trust brings clarity because it allows us to flow with life, rather than forcing our way through it; flow always leads to next CLEAR step, but force always eventually CLOUDS the way.

How Trust Brings Clarity

When you trust, you act without attachment to outcomes and stay in the PROCESS of living your life instead of just conceptualising or thinking your way through it.

Trust helps you to live as a REAL human being because it shows you how to:

  • Do your best and let go of the rest: Instead of fixating on how things should turn out based on what you think (and that filter of ego), you focus on showing up with your best effort and finding out the truth (which means you accept life and build with it, not against it).
  • Stop waiting for the perfect time: The need for ‘perfect’ conditions often keeps us stuck in indecision but learning to TRUST means taking imperfect action anyway, knowing that life will reveal the next steps as you move. This gets us out of Ego and into the only place where things can happen anyway: REAL life.
  • Embrace uncertainty as part of the process: Trust gives you the freedom to move forward despite the unknown, knowing that clarity often emerges only after action. ‘Certainty’ is an illusion anyway in many cases and so relying on it before we get started means that whatever we end up doing will be doomed to being unreal.

Just for the record, trusting doesn’t mean being passive or ‘letting go of control’ in a way that causes you to do nothing (unless you choose to do nothing for strategic reason – like biding your time or waiting for opportunities to arise); it means releasing the need to control everything because this is impossible.

When you stop forcing, you allow life’s natural flow to guide you and, as you move forward in this flow, clarity begins to show up – often in ways you never expected.

The Powerful Combination: Serving and Trusting

You may be wondering: How does serving and trusting lead to clarity? Here’s the thing: Both principles help you get out of your own head and into real, purposeful action.

When you serve, you get out of the loop of self-absorption and overthinking. You stop obsessing over your own problems and start solving others’. When you trust, you stop forcing and start flowing with the natural rhythm of life.

Together, these two practices help you:

  • Stop getting stuck in analysis paralysis. By focusing on others and trusting the process, you get moving, and movement creates clarity.
  • Develop confidence in your path. The more you serve and trust, the more you realise that you’re capable of navigating life’s uncertainties with grace and direction.
  • See the bigger picture. When you focus less on yourself and more on the impact you can have, you begin to see your place in the world, your purpose, and the answers to your biggest questions.

How to Serve and Trust for Clarity: Practical Steps

To help you get started, here are some simple actions you can take today to integrate the serve and trust principles into your life and grow real.

These practices will help you get out of your head, start moving, and, most importantly, gain real clarity from the momentum you start in your own life:

1. Start Serving Right Now

If you’re stuck, the best thing you can do is shift your focus to helping others – think about how you can contribute, even in small ways:

  • Can you volunteer your time or skills to someone in need?
  • Can you offer a kind word or lend a hand to a colleague or friend who needs some encouraging at the moment?
  • Can you solve a problem in your community, work, or for somebody close to you?

Real Action: Identify one small act of service that you can get started with and go get on with it – start getting out of your head and into action.

2. Trust Your Journey and Act Without F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).

One of the main reasons people get ‘stuck’ is that they wait for certainty before acting – as we’ve seen, this never really ‘works’ because nothing is really certain in life (except death, of course, and the universal laws).

Instead of waiting for everything to line up perfectly, trust the process and take action:

  • What is one thing you’ve been putting off because you’re unsure of the outcome?
  • What would happen if you just did it without waiting for all the answers?
  • Can you trust yourself to handle whatever arises on the way to where you’re going?

Real Action: Take one small, imperfect action today – trust that it will lead you to the next step, and the next, and the next (because it always will. Check this out for more: The Baby on the Bridge: Trust and Belief in Yourself, the World, and Reality).

3. Remember the Sacred Mantra: “Do Your Best and Let Go of the Rest”

When fear and doubt arise, remind yourself that you can only control your actions by engaging with the PROCESS – not the outcome.

  • Focus on doing your best in each moment, then release attachment to the result.
  • Trust that clarity will come with time as you keep taking those obvious steps towards where you’re headed (more REALNESS).

Real Action: Repeat the sacred mantra to yourself as you go about your day: “Do your best and let go of the rest.” See how it changes your approach to challenges by detaching you from overinvesting in outcomes and living your REAL life in the process instead.

Final Thoughts: You Can’t ‘Think’ Your Way to Clarity

Clarity isn’t something that you find by thinking harder or waiting for the ‘right’ answer but something that emerges when you get out of your head and start serving others while trusting the unfolding process of growing more real.

When you serve and trust, you’ll see that clarity comes naturally because you’ll start to move with purpose, build real confidence, and see answers that were always ‘there’, waiting to be uncovered (your REALNESS is received, not achieved).

In short, the more you focus on real action and let go of trying to control everything, the more the path ahead will reveal itself.

Stay real out there,

Urge Surfing Desires: Staying REAL and Controlling Desire the Urge and Stay Real

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Desire is Not an Instruction but a CHOICE

Desire makes life worth living – just as long as you’re not so attached to it that you can no longer see clearly.

As human beings doing human things, urges will arise within us day-after-day:

Cravings, longings, ambitions, attractions – some seem to come from nowhere, others feel deeply embedded in who we ‘are’ but, regardless of where they come from, we all have the same choice – how we respond to whatever has arisen.

This is where we run into one of the most common problems of the modern age: most people don’t see the issue of desire as a choice. Instead, they assume desire is an instruction rather than an invitation.

This misunderstanding is at the root of much of the unnecessary suffering in our lives because when we react to desire through the UNREAL filter of ego, then we either:

  1. Chase it obsessively, turning it into an ego-driven goal that can end up derailing our lives or taking us deeper into fragmentation instead of wholeness (because the ego is just a fragmented version of who we are in the wholeness of our REALNESS)

  2. Suppress it, fearing its implications or the change it demands which just ends up making the problem worse because we create inner friction inside ourselves that eventually turns to frustration and then MISERY.

In short neither of these approaches leads to wholeness and just end up making life more unreal than it needs to be (because they keep us attached to the filter of the ego):

One keeps us perpetually dissatisfied, always chasing something that never quite delivers because ego can never help us escape the Void; the other keeps us trapped in resistance, disconnected from the very thing that could help us grow.

Thankfully, there’s a third way – one that allows us to navigate desire without being consumed by it:

The way of REALNESS.

Let’s dig deeper:

The Three Sources of Desire

To understand how to handle desire in a real way, we first need to understand where it comes from – most desires arise for one of three reasons:

1. Biological Wiring (e.g. hunger, sexual attraction, physical comfort)

These are the fundamental drives that keep us alive and reproducing. You don’t choose to get hungry or feel attracted to someone – it happens automatically because of whatever your nervous system and body chemistry is signalling to your brain to do.

2. Social Programming (e.g. status, validation, fitting in)

These are desires implanted by our environment – for example, via advertising, social media, or even just cultural expectations. We may think we ‘want’ a luxury car, six-pack abs, or 100k followers, but often, these are just reflections of the messages we’ve absorbed about ENVY and SHAME and what we need to do to be ‘good enough’ (when, actually, all we need to do is to stay real).

3. Real Desire (arising from wholeness)

Finally, there is the type of desire that isn’t driven by lack, attempts to fill the Void, or fragmentation but by the truth of wholeness itself. In other words, it’s not about filling a void but about expressing something real – a deep calling to create, connect, serve, or explore in a way that will help us become more real as we help the world become more real.

Most of us are so tangled up in the first two types of desire – which both contribute to the hold the Ego has over us – that we struggle to distinguish them from the third (which contributes to us evolving beyond ego.

We assume that if we feel a pull towards something, it must mean we need it but that’s just another trick of the Ego and all the things that keep us enslaved to the world as an extension of this.

Desire Is Not the Problem – Our Reaction To It Is

Desire itself is neutral – it’s neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’, just something that swims up in our experience of ourselves and that we can CHOOSE how we’d like to act on it.

Essentially, then, the issue is what we do with it and – when it comes to this – we typically fall into one of two traps:

1. Turning Desire into a Goal for the Ego

This happens when we assume things like, “I’ll only be happy when I get X” – the job, the relationship, the body, the approval – whatever it is, we believe that attaining it will bring peace because the Ego has made us believe this peace is conditional (when, actually, it’s about reconnecting to the UNCONDTIONAL because what’s real is always real).

The things is, though, that if the desire is being fuelled by ego, it literally never ends because the Ego only appears to ‘exist’ because we have become disconnected from the TRUTH about ourselves and so chasing ego-driven goals just exacerbates the problem (read this article about ‘The Void’ to understand this more: The Void: Becoming Whole by Becoming One with the Hole).

To the eternal emptiness of ego, there’s always a new goal, a new craving, a new ‘fix’ – we’re constantly chasing the next thing, never satisfied, never whole because the Ego is just a hamster wheel and there’s only one way to get off of it: REALITY (because the ego is the opposite of reality).

2. Resisting Desire Out of Fear

The opposite mistake that we make is rejecting desire completely:

Maybe we fear it will lead us astray, expose us, or force us to change in ways we’re not ready for (because we know at some level that the desire in question is going to bring our Shadow Self to the surface). When this happens, we repress it, deny it, and pretend it doesn’t exist – unfortunately, this is always a flawed strategy because – as Carl Jung reminded us – “What you resist persists”.

The truth is that suppression (consciously hiding) and repression (unconsciously hiding) don’t make the desire disappear – it just forces it underground and into the Shadow Territory, where it distorts into something even more disruptive. Again, what we resist, persists.

So if chasing desire leads to fragmentation and repressing desire leads to fragmentation… what’s the alternative?

It’s to find a way to tap into the natural drive that we all have towards WHOLENESS.

The Third Way: Surf the Urge

Rather than attaching to desire or rejecting it, we can learn to observe it without letting it define us – this way we can stay REAL and come from a rooted place within ourselves that’s aligned with truth.

A desire arises? Fine. That’s what desires do and as the old saying says “The heart wants what the heart wants” – but we don’t have to act on it.

Instead, we ask ourselves:

  • Is this desire real or is it just conditioning?
  • Does acting on it serve my journey towards REALNESS?
  • If I do nothing, does the desire pass naturally?

This is what it means to surf the urge – to allow the wave of desire to rise, peak, and fall without getting dragged under. Like emotions (“e-motion, energy in motion”), desires are just energy that will go where they need to go if we don’t interrupt things with mental blocks or fragmented patterns.

Sometimes, the realest response to desire is to let it pass with acceptance (instead of the fear that leads to suppression); other times, it’s to take action, but from a place of alignment with your REALNESS rather than ego-driven neediness.

For example:

  • You feel an urge to buy something expensive – instead of impulsively purchasing it, you sit with the desire. Do you truly need it or is it just social conditioning?

    If it’s real, you act. If it’s not, you let it go.

    (This is why leaving things in your Amazon shopping cart for a day or so works).
  • You feel drawn to a new career path – instead of rushing in or rejecting it out of fear, you explore it with curiosity.

    Does this path align with your deeper truth or is it just an escape from discomfort and the promptings of your ego?
  • You feel sexual attraction to someone – instead of immediately either turning it into a plan to do something romantic or repressing it, you examine it.

    Is this a genuine connection or just biological wiring at play? Is it real or will it pass?

Surfing the urge means not being ruled by your impulses – it’s about moving towards realness and staying on your own path, not being dragged by fleeting cravings and getting distracted by goals and activities that won’t serve you (or anybody else for that matter because they’re unreal).

Two Keys to Mastering Desire

This level of self-mastery doesn’t happen overnight – it requires cultivating two fundamental skills that you can work on daily:

1. Nervous System Regulation

When we’re in fight-or-flight mode, desires feel urgent – we become reactive, unable to pause or reflect and make choices from a real place.

Learning to regulate our nervous system – through breathwork, meditation, cold exposure, or movement – creates space between stimulus and response because you won’t just be caught up in the sympathetic nervous system all the time (responsible for fight-or-flight) but you’ll be activating the parasympathetic nervous system when needed (which allows you to relax, feel SAFE, and make real choices in the long-term).

Basically, regulated nervous system lets you experience desire without feeling compelled to act on it immediately. It gives you the power to choose rather than react.

2. Mastering the Mind

Your thoughts are either controlling you, or you are controlling them – the more awareness you develop over your thought patterns, the less you’ll be pulled into unconscious reactions.

A strong vision helps here because when you have a clear sense of purpose, you’re less likely to chase every passing urge because you know what you really WANT and what you don’t want. Your desires become aligned with something greater rather than scattered and impulsive (i.e. they become aligned with your REALNESS).

Practical Steps for Surfing the Urge

  1. Notice the Desire – Before reacting, pause. Observe it as if it were happening to someone else.
  2. Ask Where It Comes From – Is this biological? Social conditioning? Something real? A cocktail of the two or more of the three?
  3. Regulate Your State – Take a deep breath. Drop into your body. If the desire feels urgent, delay action and let your system settle. If the ego perceives a threat, it will make you act when you don’t need to.
  4. Decide Consciously – If the desire is real, act on it without attachment to the outcome. If not, let it pass.
  5. Keep Practising – Over time, this becomes second nature. You move from being controlled by desire to choosing how you engage with it. The more you do this, the more REAL your life gets.

Final Thoughts: Freedom Through Choice

We don’t choose what we desire but we always choose how we respond.

When we filter desire through ego, we either resist it or chase it – both of which lead to fragmentation when the main motivation is ego instead of anything REAL.

When we filter it through realness, we learn to work with it, not be controlled by it.

Stay real out there,

Live in Abundance Every Day: Learning to Trust the Flow of Life

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Things Come and Things Go…That’s Just Life and its Tides (It’s Not ‘Personal’)

Abundance is often misunderstood.

We tend to think of it as something we possess – a ‘full’ bank account (though there’s always another number so this shows that ‘full’ is impossible), an overflowing table, a life free from struggle, fear, and doubt.

Here’s the reality, though:

True abundance isn’t about what we have in our hands at any given moment; it’s about the ongoing flow of things moving in and out of our lives – just like the tides.

As almost always, nature is our best teacher when it comes to this – look at the ocean, for example:

The tide goes out, but it always comes back in – it’s a rhythm, a cycle, a movement that never truly stops – unless we block it with some kind of ‘unnatural’ intervention (like a dam or something).

The same is true for abundance:

When we fight the natural rhythms of life – when we cling too tightly to what we have or become impatient about what we lack – we disrupt the flow because we use mental concepts and unreal beliefs as a kind of ‘dam’ that stops things flowing. Instead of trusting in the tide by being REAL, we try to control it because of EGO and that’s when we start to feel scarcity, fear, and frustration.

To live in true abundance, we need to stop resisting and start flowing.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Why Abundance Feels Like It Disappears

It’s a law of nature that everything moves:

Seasons change, fruit ripens, falls and then decays; the tide ebbs and flows. Nothing is ever truly static -except in our minds and interpretations about ourselves, the world, and reality.

The ego craves certainty and permanence – it wants things to stay put so that we can feel ‘safe’ within our own identity (which really is most often just a fragmented version of who we are because it keeps the Shadow Self at bay).

It tells us things like:

  • “I finally have ‘enough’ – what if I lose it?”
  • “Why isn’t what I want here yet? I must be doing something wrong”.
  • “I need to control this situation/event/thing/person so I don’t get hurt“.

But REAL life doesn’t work like that – the moment we cling to what we have or panic about what we don’t have, we shift from flowing with life to fighting against it; from trusting life to resisting life. When we do this, we cut ourselves off from the very process that brings abundance in the first place.

This is what we call a scarcity mindset, but at its core, it’s really just a misunderstanding of reality caused by the way we identify with EGO instead of our realness.

Scarcity vs. Flow: The Misperception That Holds Us Back

A scarcity mindset isn’t about how much we do or don’t have – it’s about how we perceive reality.

When we’re ‘stuck’ in scarcity, we normally do one of two things:

  1. We cling to what we have:
    • We hold on too tightly to money, relationships, status, or opportunities, fearing they won’t come again.
    • This just leads to anxiety, control issues, and a resistance to change.
  2. We become impatient about what we don’t have:
    • We focus obsessively on what’s missing and feel frustrated that it hasn’t arrived yet.
    • This creates desperation, self-doubt, and an inability to enjoy the present. It also stops us being able to TRUST ourselves and life (on a long enough timeline).

Both of these reactions take us out of reality and wholeness and cause us to cling to fragmented beliefs and ideas:

Instead of aligning with life’s natural flow, we either try to pause it (by holding on) or fast-forward it (by forcing things to happen). Both of these, of course, are absolutely impossible because real life keeps moving (these two things – pausing and fast-forwarding – are just a lack of acceptance in the form of the ego’s control freakery).

The truth is actually quite simple, though:

Real abundance isn’t something to be held or chased – it’s something to be TRUSTED.

The Secret to Abundance: Trusting the Tide

If we truly understand the rhythms of life, we stop fearing the natural ebb and flow:

Just as the tide goes out but always comes back in, abundance follows the same pattern:

  • Sometimes we have more, sometimes we have less – but the underlying process of flow that creates abundance is always there.
  • Sometimes opportunities flood in, sometimes there’s a quiet pause – but the flow is always moving and if we can TRUST and be patient then what we need will show itself.
  • Sometimes life feels full, sometimes it feels empty – but balance is always being restored as we go through natural cycles of TENSION and RELEASE.

Abundance isn’t about hoarding or rushing (both of those are symptomatic of a scarcity mindset) – it’s about trusting that as long as we stay open to the flow, everything we need will arrive in its time.

This is why gratitude and trust are so powerful.

  • When we’re grateful for what we have now, we’re flowing with the tide instead of resisting it. This is because gratitude puts us in a state of acceptance and acceptance always means that we’re seeing reality clearly (and abundance is just part of what’s real – look around you!).
  • When we trust that what we need is on its way, we stop grasping and allow the cycle to unfold naturally. Thgis means that we will reach out for the things that are REAL for us, rather than things we just think we need because of F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”) and desperation.

The short-version is this:

Life is balance in process. Go with it.

How to Live in Abundance Every Day

Understanding these ideas is one thing – living them is another; here’s how you can start integrating the flow of abundance into your daily life:

1. Pay Attention to the Rhythms in Your Own Life

Just like nature has its cycles, so does everything else:

  • Your finances will have seasons of growth and quiet.
  • Your energy levels will have days of high productivity and days of rest.
  • Your relationships will have moments of deep connection and moments of space.

Instead of panicking when something ebbs, recognise that it’s part of a cycle. The tide will return because “what goes up must come down”.

Ask yourself: Where am I resisting a natural rhythm in my life? What would happen if I trusted the process instead?

You know if you’re resisting a natural rhythm because you will feel unnatural friction.

2. Shift from Hoarding to Flowing

If you tend to cling to what you have, try loosening your grip:

  • If you’re scared to spend money, give a little away and trust that more will come.
  • If you’re holding on too tightly to a relationship, allow some space and see how the connection deepens naturally.
  • If you’re hoarding ideas or creativity out of fear they’ll run out, express them freely and watch how inspiration continues to flow.

Ask yourself: What am I holding onto out of fear? How can I start trusting the tide instead?

We cling because we don’t believe that something really belongs with us. This is almost always because we’re driven by SHAME instead of anything REAL.

3. Replace Impatience with Trust

If you tend to fixate on what you don’t have yet, practice letting go of urgency:

  • Instead of stressing about why something hasn’t happened, remind yourself: “Everything that’s REAL unfolds in its time”
  • Instead of forcing an outcome, focus on what you can do today to stay in flow. This is where you have the most influence anyway (in the process, not on the result).
  • Instead of obsessing over when things will come, practice trusting that they will.

Ask yourself: What am I trying to force? What would happen if I relaxed and let it unfold?

When we don’t TRUST ourselves or life, then we try to RUSH but life is too short to rush.

4. Cultivate a Daily Practice of Gratitude

Gratitude isn’t just about feeling good – it’s a practical tool for staying in flow by cultivating ACCEPTANCE. The more you appreciate what’s already here, the more you align with the rhythm of abundance on the way to whatever comes along next.

Try this:

  • Every morning, list three things you’re grateful for.
  • Every night, reflect on one way life provided for you that day without you even doing anything (even in small ways).
  • Throughout the day, whenever you notice scarcity creeping in, shift your focus to something you already have and are grateful for.

💡 Ask yourself: Where is abundance already present in my life? How can I tune into that more?

An attitude of gratitude keeps you in reality and out of the ego.

5. Let Go and Trust the Bigger Process

At the heart of all of this is trust – trusting that life knows what it’s doing, that you are supported, and that abundance is always flowing, even when you can’t see it yet.

Whenever doubt creeps in, remember:

The tide goes out but it always comes back .

And that’s the rhythm you were always meant to move with.

Final Thoughts: Abundance Is Already Yours

You don’t have to chase abundance; you don’t have to hoard it; you don’t have to F.E.A.R losing it.

Abundance is already part of the fabric of life – t’s in the tides, in the changing seasons, in the natural flow of everything around you.

If you trust the process and align yourself with gratitude, patience, and flow, you’ll realise that abundance was never something you had to fight for. It’s something that’s received, not achieved.

It was always there – moving, shifting, returning; all you have to do is let go and move with it.

Stay real out there,

The Shadow Dance: Reclaiming Your Unlived Life

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The Ego and the Shadow Self are In Constant Conflict: This is the SHADOW DANCE

Most of us are living what Thoreau described as “Lives of quiet desperation” – this is because we’re ‘living’ and acting out a version of ourselves that is, at best, a fragmented fraction of who we really are in wholeness:

We wear masks, we suppress certain parts of ourselves, and we become tangled in a never-ending dance between who we think we are (Ego) and who we’ve buried in the Shadow Territory (the real self we abandoned along the way because of shame, guilt, and/or trauma – check out Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World to go deeper).

This dance – which I like to call the Shadow Dance – is the internal struggle that stops us from fully stepping into our REALNESS – those most alive and purpose-driven version of who we actually are in TRUTH.

If you feel restless, ‘stuck’, or just generally full of friction and frustration – because things never seem to go ‘right’ – then here’s the uncomfortable truth that will ultimately ‘save’ you (help you get back on the track towards wholeness):

Everything you truly want, everything that would you feel whole, everything that would bring you back to a sense of deep alignment, is hidden in the SHADOW TERRITORY.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

How We Lose Ourselves in the Shadow Dance

Let’s break it down to understand how we end up in this situation:

  1. We are born real and connected to wholeness.
    As children, we don’t overthink our actions – we just are. We express freely, feel deeply, and move through life without the weight of self-judgement or societal expectations.
  2. Something happens that causes us to feel shame.
    It could be trauma, rejection, criticism, or simply an experience that makes us believe that who we are isn’t fully acceptable and causes us to feel SHAME (the most common cause of this inner split). At that moment, fragmentation begins and we start to act, feel, and/or think as other than we actually are in TRUTH.
  3. Parts of us get sent into hiding.
    Maybe we were told we were “too much” or “too sensitive” or “too wild” – whatever the case, we start suppressing these real parts of ourselves (both ‘good’ and ‘bad’), locking them away in the Shadow Territory where they remain unseen but never go anywhere because what’s real is always real.
  4. We create a mask to survive.
    In response to this fragmentation, we construct an identity – an ego– that is shaped by external approval rather than internal truth. We become what we think we need to be to fit in, to be loved, to stay safe.
  5. We identify with the mask, and the Shadow Dance begins.
    At this point, we’ve forgotten that the mask is just a survival mechanism. We think it’s who we really are. Underneath, though, there’s always a tension – a friction between the ego we show the world and the shadow self we’ve rejected.

This dance between ego and shadow is exhausting and can totally derail our lives – it keeps us playing small, living half-truths, and wondering why we feel unfulfilled, stuck, or disconnected from life.

The reason is simple: we are disconnected from life and so we need to find our way back so we can close the Void.

Why We Fear Our Shadow Self (Even Though It Holds Our Freedom)

Most of us avoid our shadow because we assume it only contains pain, shame, and darkness and, while those things might be buried in there, they’re not the full story. In fact, our greatest gifts are also locked away in the shadow:

  • Our creativity (suppressed because we were told it wasn’t practical)
  • Our real emotions (buried because they were “too much”)
  • Our authentic desires (hidden because they didn’t fit into the expectations placed on us)
  • Our power and energy (diluted because it made others uncomfortable)
  • Our connection to God, truth, and flow (ignored because we prioritised external validation over inner knowing)
  • Our ability to TRUST ourselves and life and get the REAL results we want (ignored because we grew up in a cynical world and trust is seen as being impractical).
  • Etc. Etc. Etc.

Everything we yearn for in life – passion, depth, meaning – is waiting for us in the shadows but to access it, we need to stop protecting the ego’s illusion of safety and start trusting the process of real integration.

Here’s how you can start to do so:

Breaking Free: How to Step Out of the Shadow Dance

How do we stop running from our realness and reclaim the unlived life we abandoned along the way?

1. Recognise When You’re ‘Protecting’ the Ego

The ego’s job is to keep us comfortable and so it avoids anything that threatens its identity (this is why certain events can ‘trigger’ or ‘activate’ people). The problem is, real growth is uncomfortable and so if we only listen to the ego, we’ll never evolve.

The short-version is that the ego takes us out of reality because it’s the opposite of reality. If we want results, then we need to flip this on its head because the only place we can get results is…reality.

Start paying attention to when you’re defending yourself, making excuses, or resisting change – more often than not, these are moments when the shadow is knocking at the door and you’re refusing to answer because you’re not making conscious choices but being prompted by the old conditioning of ego.

Ask yourself:

  • Am I avoiding something because it challenges who I think I am?
  • Am I afraid of stepping into something bigger but, ultimately, better for me?
  • Am I staying small because it feels ‘safer’ despite what I know I really want?

2. Reclaim the ‘Parts’ of You That Were Sent into Hiding

What did you love as a child but abandon as you grew up? What aspects of yourself have you suppressed out of fear of judgement?

A powerful exercise: Make a list of qualities, desires, and interests that you’ve ignored or denied then, ask yourself:

  • Where did this suppression start?
  • Who does this suppression benefit (if it’s not ‘You’ then you need to make a change and grow real)?
  • What would happen if I allowed this ‘part’ of me to resurface?
  • How can I start integrating this into my life again by taking REAL ACTION?

For example, if you used to be wildly creative but shut it down because it wasn’t ‘practical’ or ‘useful’, then start creating again – not for external success or validation but simply because doing so is REAL to you.

3. Merge Past, Present, and Future into One Flowing Reality

True integration happens when we bring together who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming into one seamless, flowing experience of REAL life.

  • The past: Instead of avoiding old wounds, integrate them – face them, process them, and see them as part of who you are in wholeness rather than a reason to remain fragmented.
  • The present: Live moment to moment, responding to reality as it unfolds instead of reacting from old patterns which are always EGO.
  • The future: Use your vision as a compass – not something to obsess over, but something that creates a healthy tension that pulls you forward while keeping you in flow.

When we do this, we stop being at war with ourselves and can stop the Shadow Dance from pulling us to pieces – instead, we move with life rather than against it.

4. Let Go of the Fear and Just Trust the Process

Everything we’re looking for is on the other side of letting go:

Letting go of old identities, letting go of ego-driven fears, letting go of the belief that staying safe is more important than being real (though, paradoxically, your REALNESS is the safest thing in the universe).

If you keep letting go, then eventually you’ll find the TRUTH – this is a fact. If you don’t feel stable within yourself, then it means there’s something to let go of that’s keeping you from your REALNESS. Letting go in this way takes TRUST but you will always find what you want in the end.

Despite popular misconceptions, trust of this kind isn’t passive – it’s an active surrender to the process of unfolding. The more we trust, the more we flow; the more we flow, the more we reclaim the energy we’ve buried in the Shadow Territory and can start to live our real life.

This also brings more energy because we no longer have to keep fighting reality and feeding into our illusions (ego) – and the more energy we reclaim, the more alive we become.

Final Thoughts: Living the Life That’s Really Yours

Your REAL, unlived life isn’t lost – it’s just waiting for you in the shadows. The version of you that feels whole, powerful, creative, and deeply connected is still there, beneath the layers of ego and F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).

The choice is always there: stay ‘safe’ in the illusion or step into realness.

Stay real out there,

Check out Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World to go much deeper into the Shadow Dance and what you can do about it.

Unconscious Conscious Superconscious: The Call to Integration and WHOLENESS

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When an Idea Won’t Let Go the GO WITH IT

There’s something thrilling about an idea that just won’t leave you alone – one moment, it’s a fleeting thought, barely graspable; the next, it’s gripping you by the collar, demanding attention, rearranging your life, and reshaping how you see yourself, the world, and reality itself.

When this happens, it’s more than just inspiration – it’s a call:

A call from the depths of your unconscious, and in the highest cases, from something even greater – the Superconscious, the Universal Mind, the Ether, whatever name you want to give it…that something that we all know is where we long to return because – deep down – we all know that it’s REAL.

When these ideas start to break through, we have a choice:

We can ignore them, try to push them back down, pretend we didn’t hear or we can listen, surrender, and trust the process. The first of these option always leads us more deeply into the EGO; the second allows us to face the SHADOW SELF and whatever we’ve been ‘hiding’ as we let this idea take us back to where we belong: a state of WHOLENESS.

But here’s the thing whichever option you CHOOSE:

If the idea is REAL, there is no stopping it.

The Ideas That ‘Choose’ You

Think about the moments when something truly creative, meaningful, or transformative has entered your life – it might have been a book you suddenly felt compelled to write, a project you needed to complete, or a truth about yourself that refused to stay hidden and so you decided to pull on the thread and unravel yourself (or, more accurately, your ego).

In many cases, these aren’t just passing whims but invitations – to grow, to express, to evolve into something more REAL.

Most recently, I’ve felt this myself with my latest book, TRUST, and before that with the Flow Builder Journal. Both started as whispers – faint but persistent…then they became obsessions.

Before I knew it, I had no choice but to follow them to completion (if I wanted to accept myself and not have to spend all day wrestling in my mind).

That’s the nature of real ideas. They come when the time is right, when some unconscious ‘thing’ inside you is ready to be made conscious.

And that’s why ignoring them doesn’t work – because the ‘stuff’ that’s ‘down’ there is often some of the realest ‘stuff’ about you… it’s just been hidden because of the great Shadow Dance between the Ego and the Shadow but – when the time is right – and it sees some cracks to send some light through to the surface of your life, well, it’s just gonna come bursting through so you better be ready.

The Conscious, Unconscious, and Superconscious Minds

Every person carries an unconscious mind, full of forgotten experiences, suppressed emotions, and unprocessed fragments of the self. Carl Jung called this the Shadow – the parts of us we’ve rejected or buried because of underlying shame, guilt, and/or trauma (that’s how I see it, anyway, and talk about in my book Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World).

When an idea emerges from the unconscious, it’s often because something REAL but hidden deep inside you is ready to be integrated.

You might not even realise it at first, but that creative urge, that itch to start something new, is more than just self-expression – it’s an attempt to bring wholeness back to yourself so you can become the real human being you were meant to be (instead of the idea of one that you may currently be identifying with).

In the highest cases, these ideas don’t just come from your personal unconscious, but from something even greater – the Superconscious, the Universal Intelligence, the deeper flow of life. This is rare but people often confuse the unconscious becoming conscious for this (I’ll write a post about how to tell the difference in the future – it’s also in my book TRUST).

When this happens, you’re not just expressing something personal – you’re bringing something into the world that’s needed to make not just yourself more REAL but the world more REAL too.

Trusting the Process: Why Resistance Leads to Frustration

The short-version of all this is that if a REAL idea comes through you, it’s because you’re the right person for it because you’re at the right place in your relationship with yourself for it to be realised. It really couldn’t come at any other time because it’s appearance depends on you being open enough to yourself to let it arise.

The problem is that the mind often resists because it’s in the service of the Ego.

This is made even more complicated because real ideas require commitment and commitment to something real is always perceived as a threat by the Ego (because the ego is unreal and the opposite of reality).

Real ideas shake up routines; they demand energy. They take you into the unknown – away from the familiar sense of ‘order’ and control’ that the Ego has carved out for you – and they force you to confront the parts of yourself that might rather stay hidden (which will dissolve the Ego once faced as the Ego only exists as a reaction to avoiding these parts and keeping them locked in the Shadow Territory).

But resisting these ideas leads to one thing: frustration.

When you try to push them down, they’ll just keep resurfacing. If you try to ignore them, then you’ll feel the unexplainable tension of the Void. This is basically because your unconscious is trying to give you something – the gift of your own realness – and you’re refusing to accept it.

This is why the only real choice is to trust and let go.

Integration: The Healing Power of Following an Idea

Following these ideas isn’t just about creativity – it’s about healing (and healing literally just means returning to WHOLENESS instead of fragmentation –“The word “healthy” comes from the Old English word hāl, which means “wholeness, being whole or sound”).

Anytime you commit to a REAL idea that’s breaking through, you’re allowing something unconscious to become conscious – you’re integrating a missing piece of yourself.

Jung believed that psychological healing happens through a process of individuation – bringing together the fragmented aspects of the self into a cohesive, whole identity.

When you follow an idea that’s calling you, you’re doing exactly that.

You’re taking something that was once hidden and making it real. As you do this, you allow some of those Shadow ‘parts’ of yourself to return to where they belong and to play a conscious role in your life so you can become WHOLE again.

You’re merging your unconscious drives, your conscious mind, and – if you’re truly receptive and the time is right- something greater than both.

What we’re talking about is the difference between chasing ideas and being chosen by an idea:

When you chase ideas, you’re often acting from a fragmented place – trying to prove something, trying to force creativity, trying to control outcomes. All of this just comes from ego rather than from your REALNESS.

On the other hand, when an idea ‘chooses’ you, it’s coming from the deeper layers of your mind, from the ‘part’ of you that knows what you need before you do.

Practical Application: How to Know When an Idea Is Real

So how do you know when an idea is REAL?

How do you separate the passing whimsy of ego from something that truly needs to be followed through to completion and integration?

Here are a few signs:

1. It won’t leave you alone

Real ideas don’t just come and go – they persist because the Shadow Self may start whispering for your attention but will start screaming for it the longer you go without listening. You might try to ignore them, but they’ll resurface again and again in different ways (including being projected ‘out’ as signs and symbols in the world).

2. It excites you and scares you at the same time

Real ideas stretch you. They force you to grow and that can be uncomfortable. If an idea lights you up but also makes you nervous, it’s probably real becuase it’s going to take you out of your comfort zone, stretch you beyond your edge, and show you who your really are.

3. It feels like it’s ‘choosing’ you – not the other way around

You don’t force a real idea – it finds you by flowing to you. You might not even know where it came from, but suddenly, it’s there, demanding attention and – upon closer examination – following it and flowing with it is the most natural thing in the world given where you find yourself at the time.

4. It connects to something deeper

A real idea isn’t just about external success or validation (ego) – it connects to your values, your truth, and your personal evolution (realness).

5. It feels inevitable

When a real idea takes hold, it feels like there’s no other choice – even if you resist at first, deep down, you know you’re going to follow it. More than that, you know that you’re going to COMPLETE it because you can trust the process until it’s DONE.

How to Follow the Idea Without Ego Resistance or Distortion

Once you know an idea is real, the next step is to follow it without unnecessary ego resistance or distortion.

Here’s how:

1. Commit to the journey

Accept that this idea is here for a reason and decide to follow it – even if it takes time, even if it’s inconvenient, commit to seeing it through.

2. Trust that it will unfold in the right way

You don’t need to force it but to FLOW with it. The idea has a life of its own and – if you stay receptive – it will lead you where it needs to go (which is more life of your own).

3. Let go of perfectionism

Don’t overthink or try to control every detail. The idea isn’t asking for perfection – it’s asking for expression through you and your realness.

4. Allow your routine to shift

Real ideas require space so be willing to adjust your habits to give it the time and energy it needs.

5. Stay connected to your WHY

Remember why this idea matters – connect it to your deeper values and personal growth and the process of the UNCONSCIOUS BECOMING CONSCIOUS so that you can become more whole (though you can always go deeper).

Conclusion: Go With It – There’s No Choice Anyway

When a REAL idea comes through, it’s not just a passing thought – it’s a process of evolution that will leave you changed forever once you’ve seen it through to completion.

It’s something breaking through the unconscious demanding to be made real and – if it’s coming through you – then you’re the one ‘meant’ to bring it to life.

There’s no need to resist; there’s no need to second-guess; there’s no need to force.

Just let go, trust, and follow it where it leads.

Because at the end of the day, there’s no choice, really. The idea has already chosen you.

Stay real out there,

Realness for Entrepreneurs, Artists, and Creators: Real Need vs Self-Interest

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Moving Beyond Ego to Create Real Value

This is one for the entrepreneurs, artists, and creators out there…

We’re often told that the key to a meaningful life is to “do what you love”. It sounds like pretty sage advice in many ways – after all, who wouldn’t want to build a career or lifestyle around their passions?

However, this romanticised notion often neglects a crucial reality: loving what you do doesn’t guarantee that others will find value in it.

If what you ‘love’ provides no solution to a real need in the world, your efforts may amount to little more than self-gratification and a mere extension of the EGO rather than anything REAL.

The short-version is focusing solely on personal passion without considering its relevance to others is ego-driven, and in the long run, it leads to stagnation and the creation of ‘meaningless’ work.

This article explores why aligning your passions with real needs, rather than ego-fuelled self-interest, is the key to creating meaningful impact and finding fulfilment in both personal and professional pursuits. When you understand this ‘stuff’ it can help you to do what you do better and to reach more people in the process.

It all comes down to the timeless mantra (on this website and in my books anyway): REAL ALWAYS WORKS.

The Ego’s Trap: Why ‘Doing What You Love’ May Not Be Enough

The ego loves the idea of self-expression for the sake of itself. This is because it thrives on the applause, validation, and approval of others for its very existence.

Motivations like these, however, are often short-lived because they are rooted in the desire to reinforce our self-concept instead of an actual experience of who we really are in our REALNESS. When we pursue what we love purely for personal gratification, without considering whether it meets a real need in the world, we risk creating something that is ultimately self-serving and hollow. This is because we’re only looking at it through the lens of illusory independence and separation rather than the deeper level of INTERDEPENDENCE (i.e. everything is connected to everything else).

Take, for instance, the idea of starting a business or creative project purely with the motivation of showcasing your talents or express your (self-professed) ‘genius’:

You may find a small audience who appreciates your novelty, but if your product or service doesn’t address a real problem or fulfil a genuine desire, it’s unlikely to create lasting value. The sad truth is that most people don’t care about your self-expression as much as you do – unless it connects to their lives in some REAL way.

This doesn’t mean that your passions are irrelevant – it simply means that they must be refined, reshaped, and aligned with the needs of others if they are to have any real significance ‘out there’ in the world. If it comes from a REAL place in yourself and you can find a way to make it REAL to others, then, ultimately, you’ve found the sweetspot.

Needs vs Self-Interest: Understanding the Difference

There’s an important distinction between self-interest and need:

Self-interest is what your ego wants others to want or need.

It’s about imposing your vision onto the world in the hope that others will recognise your brilliance and applaud it. Real need, on the other hand, is about stepping outside yourself to ask: What do people truly need or desire, and how can I serve them based on what’s REAL about me?

This distinction is critical in all areas of life that involve human relationships (so most of them!):

Self-interest centres around you – your ambitions, your preferences, your identity. Real need centres around others – their struggles, their challenges, and their aspirations.

To create real value, you must shift your perspective from self to service.

From Self-Gratification to Service: How to Find the Intersection of Passion and Need

You don’t have to abandon your passions to meet real needs – instead, you need to find a way to refine them so they can become valuable to others. This process requires brutal honesty and a willingness to let go of your ego-driven attachments but it’s worth the time and effort.

Here’s how you can start:

1. Ask What You Can Offer

Instead of asking, “What do I want others to want from me?” ask, “What can I offer that solves a problem or fulfils a need?”

This subtle shift in mindset transforms your actions from self-serving to service-oriented.

For example, if you’re a painter, don’t just paint what you love and expect the world to care – instead, think about how your art can evoke emotions, tell stories, or address cultural or societal themes that resonate with others. How do you want your work to make people more REAL?

2. Experiment and Adapt

Finding where your passions align with real needs is not a one-time exercise; it’s an iterative process. Experiment with different modes of delivery, listen to feedback, and be willing to adapt.

For instance, if you’re a writer, try different formats – blogging, novels, social media posts, or essays – and see what resonates most with your audience. Pay attention to the needs and desires they express and refine your work accordingly. Learn to listen out for their problems and then talk about this in your work (and help to start solving them).

3. Talk to People

True value emerges from genuine connection…

Talk to people, ask questions, and seek to understand their pain points and aspirations. This is the only way to ensure that what you offer is rooted in reality rather than your ego’s assumptions about people based on your own needs and projections.

4. Look at Yourself Objectively

Brutal self-honesty is essential. Take a hard look at your motivations. Are you creating something to feed your ego, or are you genuinely trying to make a difference (remembering the only true difference is helping people grow into a more REAL version of themselves)? The ability to distinguish between these two drivers is a hallmark of realness in whatever work you do.

The Paradox of Value: Giving Up to Gain

It may seem counterintuitive, but the more you let go of your ego-driven desires, the more fulfilling and impactful your work becomes. Why? Because focusing on meeting real needs allows you to transcend the limitations of self-interest and tap into something far bigger.

By aligning your passions with the needs of others, you create a feedback loop of value. The more value you provide, the more appreciation and fulfilment you receive in return – not as a primary goal, but as a natural by-product of putting some realness out into an unreal world.

Take the example of a musician who loves experimental jazz:

While this niche may not have mass appeal, the musician could adapt their passion by teaching others about improvisation, creating relatable content, or collaborating with artists in other genres. In doing so, they find ways to meet needs while staying true to their passion.

The Ego’s Resistance to Realness

Letting go of self-interest is no easy feat. The ego thrives on clinging to a fixed identity, even when that identity no longer serves you or others. It resists change because change threatens its sense of control and causes the SHADOW SELF to start emerging (which threatens the very foundation that the ego rests upon).

Clinging to your ego always comes at a cost – it keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-gratification, disconnected from the world around you. True freedom comes from recognising this resistance and choosing to move beyond it.

Start by questioning the narratives your ego tells you:

  • “I have to stay true to my art, no matter what.”
  • “If people don’t appreciate my work, it’s their problem, not mine.”
  • “Success means being recognised for my brilliance.”

These narratives are often illusions that prevent you from evolving. Replace them with questions like:

  • “How can I make my art more meaningful and REAL to others?”
  • “What value can I provide that people genuinely need?”
  • “How can I grow and adapt to better serve the world?”

Freedom in the Gap Between Passion and Need

Freedom exists in the gap between pursuing your passions and meeting real needs of people you can serve in a REAL way; it’s about finding the sweet spot where your deepest values align with the desires and struggles of others. This balance is the essence of realness – a way of living and working that is both authentic and impactful.

Living in this gap requires constant self-awareness and adaptability. You must be willing to let go of the outdated and ‘static’ (seeming) self-concepts of ego and embrace the ever-changing realities of the world around you in your own REALNESS. It’s not about abandoning your passions but about refining and reshaping them to create something truly valuable and interdependent.

Conclusion: Real Need is the Path to Real Value

The journey from self-interest to real need is a journey from ego to realness. It’s a journey that requires brutal honesty, adaptability, and a commitment to serving others.

By shifting your focus from “What do I want?” to “What do others need?” you open the door to creating lasting value. You align your passions with purpose, transcend the limitations of self-gratification, and find fulfilment in the act of service.

In the end, the applause, appreciation, and approval you seek will come – not as the main goal in an attempt to fill the Void, but as the natural by-products of living in alignment with real need.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number fifteen in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

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