Heartset: The Missing Piece of the ‘Good’ Life Puzzle

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Creativity/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Shadow Life

Mindset Will Take You Far but Your Heartset Will Make You REAL

For years, everybody has been talking about mindset:

Bookshelves creak and heave under the weight of titles promising to transform your life through a better mindset; podcasts, influencers, CEOs, and ‘spiritual‘ gurus all harp on about the power of mindset and how if you can just start thinking in the ‘right’ way then you’re whole life will sort itself out.

And, in a way, a lot of these guys are right – your mindset matters. A lot.

Unfortunately, a lot of people fall into the trap of reading or hearing all of this and thinking that they’re mindset is the only thing that matters. But it really isn’t. In fact, if you believe that (see what I did there?), then you’re really missing out on the full story which goes a little like this:

Mindset is a tool but Heartset is the source.

Focusing on mindset alone is like trying to build a cathedral with just a hammer – you can whack things into place, sure, but without the blueprint, the vision, and the artistry – it’ll never be more than a pile of bricks that have been misshaped and distorted by all that hammering.

What’s even more important is that, if you’re using your hammer to build according to the wrong plans – in this case, according to the plans of your ego instead of your realness – you’ll just end up further from where you truly want to be and things will become increasingly unreal.

This article is about exploring this missing piece – Heartset – and diving into why it’s the difference between chasing your tail or living in harmony with something much more powerful: the truth.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Your heartset will keep you flowing with truth instead of forcing yourself to think about it.

Mindset is a Tool, Not the Master

At the most basic level, the mind is like a computer:

It rearranges fragments, stores symbols, compares memories, and tries to make sense of the past, filter the present, and simulate future possibilities based on all of this. It’s brilliant, useful, but also dangerous if we don’t learn to master it.

Left untrained, the mind becomes a traitor that hands itself over to the service of the ego and then keeps us running around in loops of fear, shame, and comparison. This puts us on a repetitive hamster wheel that becomes a prison of overthinking, sending us spiralling into either analysis paralysis (leading to passivity and a lack of action) or frantic action with no clear purpose (which means most of what you do ends up being unreal).

All of this is why mindset training is important – we need to train the mind to be our servant and not our master if we want to stand any chance of living a real life.

This is why all those books and podcasts about mindset have become so popular…working on your mindset will get you amazing results because, when your mindset is in shape, your thoughts are more empowering and they don’t hold you back from life. Instead, you start thinking in terms of growth, purpose, and resilience; you learn to pause before reacting; you learn to redirect attention and choose focus instead of just running around like a headless chicken. These are powerful skills for sure.

Here’s the truth, though:

Nothing real can come from the mind alone.

Why?

Because the mind deals in fragments but reality is whole:

The mind can conceptualise a tree but it cannot be the tree.

It can model the future but it cannot live it.

It can remember pain but it cannot feel it unless the body is involved.

The mind is downstream of truth.

Which is what brings us to the deeper current: your heartset.

Heartset is the Real You (It’s Your REALNESS)

Heartset is the deeper layer of who you are in truth that connects directly to what’s real.

We can say that if the mind is the navigator, heartset is the compass; it’s your inner orientation, the seat of your values, qualities, and a deep experience of being connected to the truth in wholeness. It is who you are beneath all the noise of identity and the world and the things that keep you stuck in the Void.

When you understand your heartset and work to cultivate your connection to it, your mindset naturally becomes powerful by extension. When you’re close to your own real heartset, you become fractured and closed and so your mindset – no matter how “positive” you try to be – becomes a performance instead of anything that can actually get you real results in your life.

This is why so many high-achievers burn out:

They build empires with their mindset but feel empty inside because they’re constantly forcing everything (themselves, the world, and reality) to conform to whatever mindset they’ve concocted for themselves. They forget the source which means that they override the whispers of their own realness and so they stop flowing with life and burn out.

Let’s use a quick metaphor:

In our natural state – what I call our REALNESS – we are like a still, glass-smooth lake. In this state, we’re aware of our own wholeness and the wholeness of everything else; we’re also deeply accepting of life as it is and we act from this stillness with clarity, love, and precision.

But then – as is often the case – life happens:

The wind blow, stones are thrown at us, sometimes the storms rage, and so the lake starts to ripple. When this happens – instead of resting in the stillness beneath the ripples -, our mind begins to panic and look for ‘sense’ and so we start identifying with the ripples themselves (forgetting that we are the lake itself).

We become the anxiety. The story. The shame. The defensiveness. The constant reactivity. In other words, we begin to treat the fragments (ripples) as the whole (lake).

Yoga understood this thousands of years ago – in fact, the first four verses of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali lay it out like this:

Yoga (union) is the stilling of the fluctuations of the mind.
Then the Seer rests in their own true nature.
Otherwise, the Seer identifies with the fluctuations.
Those fluctuations are born of memory, imagination, senses, and ego.

That’s really what it’s all about – if you can understand this and stop identifying with those ripples (which is what all real spiritual traditions are systems designed to help you do), then you can return to your realness and change your life forever.

In relation to what we’re talking about in this article, your heartset is what keeps us from drowning in the ripples.

It’s what helps us return to the still lake beneath.

Let’s look at how you can do it:

Qualities of a Real Heartset

So what is Heartset made of?

Well, not fluff or ‘vibes’ but real, grounded qualities that hold you steady in the storm and keep you flowing with life no matter what it brings your way.

Here are some of the key ones:

1. Openness

Life can be painful, people let us down, things go wrong. Welcome to Planet Earth.

It’s tempting to close our hearts in self-protection when things don’t go as we ‘like’ or expect them to but an open heart is what allows life to flow through us without getting stuck.

Openness doesn’t mean naïve vulnerability – it means courage (appropriately the word courage comes from the Latin “cor” which means “heart”).

It means choosing to keep feeling even when it hurts because you know that real strength just means never closing your heart and closing down because your ego doesn’t want to take the lesson.

2. Curiosity

Curiosity keeps us from freezing in our assumptions and then become ‘fixed’ which always leads to stagnation.

When you’re curious, you’re not stuck in certainty – you’re in discovery mode and so you can keep going deeper into life and learning more and more about it.

This kind of curiosity keeps your mind and heart flexible and helps you uncover deeper truth rather than staying fixated on the surface of what you think life might be.

3. Love

Not just romantic love – not even just love for others ,but love as a way of being.

Love for life when it’s ‘good’, love for life when it’s ‘bad’ (it’s all going to be over one day, after all); a love of the mystery, a love for the growth, and for beauty.

Love is the energy that dissolves fragmentation and restores unity because love is about acceptance and acceptance always leads to the truth (which restores unity because the truth is wholeness).

4. Creativity

The ability to build, to shape, and to co-create something real with life.

Creativity isn’t just painting a pretty picture or taking a photograph or whatever – it’s how you make meaning, solve problems, and write your story by taking real action.

A creative heart sees possibility even when the world feels stuck and so you can keep moving and not be held down by the world that the mind might initially show you.

5. Trust

Trust is the heartbeat of Heartset:

It’s the inner knowing that even when you don’t have all the answers, life is working with you, not against you.

Trust lets you take action when things are uncertain because you know you can do your best and let go of the rest (see my book: Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace).

It’s how you grow and stay real.

6. Compassion

Without compassion, your heart hardens and you only see your mental ideas and projections of yourself and the people in the world around you. You become judgemental, bitter, or cold.

Compassion for others keeps you human; compassion for yourself keeps you sane.

7. Abundance

An abundant heart knows there is enough – time, love, ideas, money, miracles.

Where scarcity shrinks you, abundance allows you to expand.

When you live from this heartset, you know you are connected to a source that never runs dry, and so you stop clinging to things that aren’t yours and stop chasing things that are unreal.

None of these heartsets are just ‘nice-to-haves’ – they are the very qualities that stop you from falling into the Void. If you work on cultivating them, your life will become more real.

Avoiding the Void

The Void is what happens when we live from the ripples and become disconnected from the truth – usually because we identify with the ego, and the fear, shame, and stories it keeps us glued to.

It’s a cold, hollow place; a place of numbness, confusion, overthinking, and reactivity.

In other words, the Void is the absence of real connection.

When people say they feel lost, stuck, disconnected, restless, or like they have an itch that can’t be scratched then they’re in the Void.

What you need to know here is that trying to mindset your way out of the Void without real heartset is like trying to start a car with no fuel. You’ll just burn out.

You’ll go around in endless circles ‘thinking’ about ways to change things but you’ll never get anywhere because the mind is the thing that led you to be stuck in the mud in the first place.

When your heartset is online, however, your mindset starts to align with reality; your thoughts, choices, and actions become grounded in truth and you move with life instead of against it.

That’s the difference and why your heartset can make the difference between unreal and real.

How To Develop Your Heartset (Practical Tools)

Heartset isn’t a magical switch that you flip – it’s a garden you cultivate and you can start right now.

Here’s how to start tending to yours:

1. Daily Stillness Practice

Take 10–20 minutes a day to sit in silence without any particular agenda. Just breathe and become aware of the ‘lake’ of awareness within yourself. This reconnects you to wholeness which is the source of anything real.

2. Heart-Check Journalling

Each morning or evening, ask yourself:

What am I feeling right now?
Am I open or closed?
What does my heartset need today?

This builds emotional awareness and attunes you to your deeper self.

You can also rate yourself in terms of the 7-qualities laid out above and figure out how to take daily steps to grow into them (openness, curiosity, love, creativity, trust, compassion, and abundance).

3. Act from Wholeness, Not Fragmentation

When faced with a choice, ask: Am I doing this from fragmentation or wholeness? Choose the latter every time. It might feel uncomfortable in the short-term, but it will always lead to realness.

4. Use the ‘REALNESS’ Lens

Before taking any major action, reflect:

Is this aligned with wholeness?
Am I aware or acting from autopilot?
Am I in acceptance or trying to force control?
Am I acting from truth or reacting from a ripple?

This will help you spot when you’re slipping into the Void and acting from the mind alone instead of who you really are.

5. Surround Yourself with Real Ones

Spend time with people who value truth, depth, and growth. Heartset is contagious and so if your circle is all about ego games and drama, you’ll get sucked back into the ripples.

6. Stretch Your Trust Muscle

Do one thing each week that stretches your ability to trust yourself and life – starting a project, having a real conversation, taking a leap. Trust grows through action and so do you.

7. Return to the Lake Daily

No matter how messy your day, always come home:

Back to your breath, your body, your being – back to that glass-smooth lake beneath it all.

You are not the ripples. You never were.

Your heartset will take you were your mindset simply can't.

Conclusion: Mindset Will Take You Far but Heartset Will Take You All the Way

In order to transform your life, you don’t need to become something new – you just need to return to what’s real and that starts with your heartset.

Mindset is useful, but Heartset is essential.

Train your mind, yes – but orient your heart towards something REAL. When you do, your life becomes an extension of the realness within you:

Less resistance. More flow. Less proving. More being. Less Void. More connection.

This is not hype. It’s not theory. It’s a way of living.

Live from your heart and you’ll be surprised how clear your mind becomes.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you want to work on improving your hearset and improving your life once and for all then book a free call with me and get moving today.

Personal Practical Philosophy and Code of Conduct: The Return to Truth

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Life Philosophy/Men/Mindset/Psychology

How to Create Your Own Practical Philosophy and Code of Conduct

Modern life is plagued by two silent but deadly forces that most men rarely talk about but feel every day:

The Void – that lingering sense of emptiness, fragmentation, and of not being whole that shows up as restlessness or a chronic itch that can’t quite ever be scratched. It comes from being split from the truth – almost always due to underlying shame and having built an identity around things that aren’t real as a reaction to this shame.
Moral Relativism – the idea that anything goes, as long as it feels ‘good’ or fits the identity that we’ve created to play a role in the dreamworld of the Void. Moral relativism exists because there’s no agreed-upon standard anymore – just a swamp of opinions, trends, and personal preferences because we fell into the trap of thinking that all ideas are as valid as any other (when that’s simply not true because some ideas point more closely to reality than others).

Based on what I’ve seen coaching people over the years, then if you’re man between 35 and 44, then it’s highly likely that you’ve likely hit a point where these two forces have shown up; you might not have had fancy names for them, but you’ve felt their pull and you’ve been questioning yourself and life trying to figure out what to do about it.

What I can tell you from the get-go is that the answer isn’t to numb out, chase distractions, or pretend that everything’s fine – instead of running away like that you need to start moving in the opposite direction and start running towards something real:

Both of these problems are caused by an unreal and unhealthy relationship with the truth itself and so the solution is to start finding a way to heal this relationship and repairing the damage of fragmentation that a disconnection from truth causes.

One way to start doing this is to become conscious of your own personal philosophy and, by extension, your code of conduct – a practical, living system that grounds you in truth, gives you clarity, and helps you live in a REAL way.

This helps you to overcome the Void because it returns you to the truth about yourself and it helps you to overcome moral relativism because it helps you see the truth about the world and reality.

Your philosophy doesn’t need to be original to be valid – it just needs to be real to you. You might borrow from Stoicism, Christianity, Buddhism, or something your grandfather once said – as long as it holds weight and has been tested in your life, it’s valid.

As for your code, that doesn’t have to impress anyone else either – it just has to stand strong when life throws storms your way.

That’s how you’ll know it’s working.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Your personal practical philosophy begins with knowing yourself, the world, and reality.

What We’ll Cover in This Article

How to Create Your Own Practical Philosophy and Code of Conduct
Why Philosophy Matters More Than Ever
Making Philosophy Practical
Trust in Something Higher
A Path from Fragmentation to Wholeness
Questions to Build Your Philosophy
Uncover and Live the Truth (At Every Level)
Break Free from Two Major Enemies of Truth: Social Programming and Biological Wiring
Writing Your Code of Conduct
- Your Code of Conduct = Philosophy in Action
- Example Code (5 simple points):
Conclusion: Your Practical Philosophy Leads to A Real Life

Why Philosophy Matters More Than Ever

Most people think philosophy is abstract, academic, or too fluffy for real life and that can definitely be true of those ‘philosophers’ in ivory towers playing mind games with symbols and language or whatever it is that they’re doing.

Practical philosophy, on the other hand, is just this: a quest for truth. And truth always matters – especially when you ACT on it.

When we commit to the truth, something radical starts to happen:

The Void begins to dissolve because truth restores wholeness and brings the fragmented parts of ourselves back into alignment. This allows us to be what we were supposed to be before we picked up shame (which is what leads to the Void in the first place).
Moral relativism loses its grip and we can stand on a solid foundation instead of always feeling like our life could crumble at any second. This is because truth – by its nature – is not subjective: our interpretations may vary, but truth itself doesn’t bend to opinion.

As an example, maybe you realise that constantly chasing short-term pleasure (booze, status, porn, ‘likes’) in an attempt to fill the Void has left you feeling more lost. What you start to realise as you dig into it is that the truth is that these things don’t lead to fulfilment. This being the case, your personal practical philosophy might include a code like: “I choose depth over distraction”.

Making Philosophy Practical

Philosophy only ‘matters’ if it can be lived (otherwise it really is just abstract and empty):

Life moves and circumstances change and so your philosophy can’t be rigid dogma – it has to be a living system that helps you navigate change while staying true to your values. At the same time, though, it will probably need to comprise certain principles that never change like the law of cause and effect, for example, or the idea that “the only constant in life is change“.

This means aligning your philosophy with principles about how life actually works – for example:

Everything moves: Life is in constant flux.
You don’t control everything: Your plans are only ever a best guess.
But you can still aim: You can walk the path with direction, grounded in your core values.

Your philosophy might include something like: “I embrace what I can’t control and focus only on what’s mine to act upon” – this stops you from spiralling when life throws you curveballs (illness, redundancy, heartbreak) and keeps you grounded.

It accepts the underlying principles but allows room for the surface of life to keep changing and evolving so you don’t lapse into dogma (that eventually would just hold you back because it’s static and real life keeps moving).

Trust in Something Higher

Every strong philosophy or theology has to acknowledge one basic truth: you are not the centre of the universe.

You can’t white-knuckle your way through life and expect peace – you need to trust in something beyond your ego:

God
Nature
A set of sacred principles or values (like courage, truth, humility)
Even chaos and uncertainty as long as it’s real to you and you know your reasons for trusting in these things

This trust reminds you that life is bigger than your own mind and helps you adapt with grace when things go off-script (which they always will because the map is not the territory).

As an example, your code might include something like: “I trust that life gives me what I need even when it contradicts what I want“.

The reasons it’s important to build something ‘higher’ than just yourself into the philosophy is because doing this embraces the fact that you can’t control everything in your life and that you don’t know everything in your life – sure, you know a lot, but in the gaps in your knowledge there’s always space for more reality.

A Path from Fragmentation to Wholeness

The point of a personal philosophy isn’t just to have better ideas – it’s to become whole again and to overcome the symptoms of the Void and the moral relativism that supports it.

Wholeness means integrating all parts of yourself:

The ego and the shadow.
The pain and the possibility.
The confusion and the clarity.

This is what all great religions and workable spiritual systems aim at: not perfection, but alignment, flow, and integrity.

For example, your code might include: “I welcome discomfort if it brings me closer to wholeness“.

This one simple sentence can radically change how you show up in conflict, work, relationships, and in whatever inner work you need to do on yourself: if you know that it’s all carrying you towards wholeness, then you can come from a stance of acceptance instead of resistance.

Questions to Build Your Philosophy

To build your own philosophy, you need to wrestle with deep questions so that you can really dig deep into the knowledge that you already have and weed out any unrealistic assumptions that are holding you back from truth.

Don’t rush this. Let it unfold. But keep coming back to it so that you can keep refining your relationship with the truth and going deeper into it:

Some questions to ask (sit down when you have some time and journal out your answers to some of these):

What does it mean to be a human being? Are we here to consume, to love, to grow, to serve, or something else entirely?
What do all humans have in common? Mortality, pain, joy, dreams? The journey that we’re on? Our nature? What makes sense to you based on what you’ve seen of this life?
How do I make moral choices? Is it about consequences? Integrity? A compass deeper than reason? Wholeness? Relativism? What do you think?
What values do I want to live by no matter what? Honour, truth, courage, compassion, discipline? Freedom, creativity, humour, flow? If you know your values you can take action on them and change your own life (and the lives of other people by extension).
What assumptions am I carrying that might not be true? E.g. “I have to be successful to be worthy”, “I have to be beautiful to be loved”, etc. Weed out your limiting beliefs and the assumptions that they’re rooted in because they dictate your whole life.

These questions are your trail markers as you answer them, you begin to build a clear map of your own realness and the philosophy that stems from it.

Uncover and Live the Truth (At Every Level)

The good life isn’t about being right – it’s about being real. That means doing two things every day:

Uncover the truth – Let go of illusions, lies, conditioning and go deeper into wholeness.
Live the truth – Act in alignment with it (and then go even deeper into wholeness).

You need to do this at all levels and your philosophy will (probably – it’s your philosophy, after all) need to reflect them:

Physical truth: What’s really going on with your body? Are you tired, inflamed, addicted? How do you see your relationship with your body and what do you need to do to improve it?
Mental truth: Are your thoughts clear or distorted by ego/fear? How are your beliefs holding you back? What mental gremlins do you need to bash? Are you identified with the fragments of the mind instead of who you really are in wholeness?
Emotional truth: Are you feeling your feelings, or suppressing them? Do you have a healthy relationship with your own emotions? Do you identify with them and stay stuck in them? Do you ignore them and pretend you’re a robot?
Spiritual truth: Are you living as if life is sacred or are you just passing time? What does ‘spiritual’ even mean to you? Why does it matter? How does it help you to deal with the Void and moral relativism?

For example, if your body is screaming for rest but your ego is chasing hustle because of some underlying emotional ‘stuff’ (shame, usually), the truth is clear: you’re out of sync with your own spiritual truth and you’re trying to find meaning in places you never can. In this case, your code might include something like “I honour the signals of my body before the demands of my ego“.

There are two forces that try to pull you away from reality every single day:

Social programming – the web of messages that say: “You’re only worthy if you look a certain way, earn a certain amount, or follow a certain script”.
Your own flesh/biological wiring – the part of you that craves ease, comfort, instant gratification. It isn’t evil, but it must be tamed like a wild horse and led in the direction of your vision.

You must train yourself to recognise these forces and reject their ill effects in your life when necessary – your personal practical philosophy will need to have a basic way of discerning between when these things are holding you back or not.

For example, your code could include “I am not here to be liked. I am here to live true” to help you overcome social programming and something like “I do what’s right, not what’s easy” to help you overcome the weakness of the flesh.

Writing Your Code of Conduct

Once you’ve spent some time exploring the ‘big; questions and peeled back some of the illusions that are stopping you seeing yourself, the world, and reality clearly, it’s time to distil your insights into something practical and real.

Your Code of Conduct = Philosophy in Action

Ideally, this needs to be:

Personal (true to you)
Clear (no fluff)
Grounded in truth (not just preference or opinion)
Revisited often (as life changes around you and you change with it)

Your philosophy may be endless but try and keep your code of conduct to about 5 basic points that you commit to memory:

Example Code (5 simple points):

I tell the truth, even when it costs me.
I treat my body like a sacred vessel.
I take responsibility for everything in my life.
I embrace discomfort as a teacher.
I trust that life is unfolding as it should.

If your practical philosophy is based in truth then your code of conduct will keep you REAL.

Your practical philosophy and code of conduct allow you to program yourself instead of being programmed by the world.

Conclusion: Your Practical Philosophy Leads to A Real Life

Most men drift but a few decide to step up, face facts, and anchor themselves to something real.

Creating your own philosophy and code of conduct won’t make life easier – but it will make your life yours (instead of either the world’s or the product of living on autopilot to nowhere).

With it, you’ll stop outsourcing your meaning to society, trends, or your past; you’ll start walking a path that’s honest, rooted, and real, and that – in the end – is what makes a man unshakable.

Start today – not with the perfect answers (which is impossible) but with the willingness to seek and live the truth.

When you build a life around that… you’ll never go back to the Void.

Stay real out there,

Non-Duality for Men: Dissolving the Ego Without Losing Drive and Ambition

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Life Philosophy/Men/Mindset/Psychology/Shadow Life

Non-duality and Real Growth: Letting Go and Staying in the Flow

If you’re a man who feels pulled between the hunger to achieve and the whisper of something deeper, then keep reading:

This is a totally ‘normal’ conflict that many men feel inside themselves in a world that often feels like it’s going ‘mad’ or has somehow become too far removed from what it really means to be a real human being in the first place.

When many of us become aware of this inner restlessness or the call of the Void, we start to ask questions and to determine what we really want from life. This raising of awareness is always the first step to any transformational journey but without any clear experience of something REAL along the way, we can just end up stuck in a kind of strange middle ground – craving stillness and peace but also craving ‘success‘ and dynamism.

When we’re ‘stuck’ between these poles we start to wonder if we’re losing our minds – especially as we start to become aware of the gap between who we think we are (ego) and who we actually are in our realness. This can often lead to us a decision-point where we’re faced with either letting go of the familiar identity that we’ve been filtering life through up until this point and taking a leap of faith or simply holding on and pretending that everything is fine (even though these old identities will just bring more friction, frustration, and misery the more we cling).

What holds a lot of people back at this stage – from taking that leap of faith into a deeper relationship with reality – is being aware of the ego and the possible benefits of ‘transcending’ it but fearing that if they do they’ll somehow become soft, passive, or irrelevant and lose all of the things that make them ‘them’.

This article is about the twist that a lot of us can miss: true non-duality doesn’t kill your drive. It purifies it.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Non-duality is about stepping away from the fragments and experiencing the whole.

What We Cover in This Article

Non-duality and Real Growth: Letting Go and Staying in the Flow
What Is Non-Duality and Why Does It Matter?
So… What Is the Ego Then?
The Trap of the Spiritual Bypass
Realness: A Path Through the Middle and into Non-Duality
Non-Duality Isn’t Passivity – It’s Power
From Vision to Wholeness: Non-Duality Made Actionable
The Discipline of Presence
Practical Integration: A Roadmap for Non-Duality and Realness
Final Word: Truth Dissolves Ego and Non-Duality is Reality

What Is Non-Duality and Why Does It Matter?

At its simplest, non-duality simply means “not two” – at its core, it points to the idea that everything is already whole even though it often appears to be fragmented and populated with entities and objects that are separate and independent from one another.

In other words, everything is whole (even if we don’t perceive or interpret things that way because of our fragmented bodies and brains:

Even though it might ‘look’ like it, reality isn’t split into ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘me’ and ‘you’, ‘success’ and ‘failure’ or any other judgements we might ascribe to things. Those are all just mental distinctions that we use to function in the world and relate to it.

Instead of these ‘default’ approach, non-duality is the recognition that behind the labels, the posturing, and the inner battles, there is only this – life itself, unfolding. Always. In one big relationship having a relationship with itself as a set of interconnected systems within systems within systems.

For a lot of men, this can be a radical and uncomfortable idea because it goes against the way we’re both biologically wired and socially conditioned to define ourselves by opposition and assertion: be strong, not weak; win, don’t lose; dominate, never submit.

Non-duality says that all of that this is just an egoic structure – a house built on sand as we project our own fragmentation out into the world around us and experience something that isn’t really even ‘there’.

So… What Is the Ego Then?

The ego isn’t some evil entity you need to “kill” (as people like to say they’re going to do). You can’t kill it, anyway, because it’s not real in that way – it’s just a set of fragmented ideas and sensations that we bought into for a little while based on whatever it is that we think we’ve been through.

Think of it like a filter between you and reality:

It’s your conditioning, your beliefs, your biological programming, and your emotional scars – all wrapped up in a story about who you are, what the world is, and what life is.

It’s not inherently ‘bad’ (that would be a dualistic judgement) – in fact, it’s a useful operating system for helping us to survive and to navigate life. The problems arise when you mistake the filter for the whole view – when you look at the windscreen and get confused, instead of looking through it at the road ahead.

In short, the more identified you become with this filter, the more fragmented your experience becomes.

This is why the ego leads to suffering:

Not because it’s wicked but because it’s blocks our view of life and causes us to attach to the fragments of ourselves instead of growing through them into wholeness.

At the end of the day, life itself is whole and so – when you move through life from a place of ego-attachment – you’re trying to live a whole life through a fragmented lens which is impossible and just inevitably leads to unnecessary friction.

This friction starts as irritation, builds into frustration, and eventually collapses into misery.

The Trap of the Spiritual Bypass

Many men try to dissolve the ego by simply trying to convince themselves that they don’t have one:

They watch some ‘spiritual‘ videos online, read a few books, and then attach the concepts that they’ve picked up to their identity – instead of actually experiencing them – and start speaking in non-dual jargon and hope it fixes the inner tension that comes from not taking that leap into the unknown.

They churn out the catchphrases like “there is no self” and that “everything is just awareness” while secretly still raging at their ex, feeding addictions to validation, or numbing out on porn in an attempt to fill the Void that’s still defining their relationship with themselves and life.

The bottom-line with this kind of thing is that spiritual bypassing is just ego in disguise.

Real spirituality doesn’t avoid the world (or anything else, for that matter) – it’s about facing the truth head on and then riding through the mess that comes from whatever was stopping us from facing it in the first place. It’s about integrating every shadow, every pattern, every wound – not denying them.

And the only way you can start to integrate like this is by accepting that you have an ego in the first place (and that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that because it’s not about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but REAL).

Realness: A Path Through the Middle and into Non-Duality

The philosophy I explore in my books and use in my coaching containers with clients is REALNESS and realness is about truth. It’s also about recognising the tension between the ego and the shadow – the part of you you’ve pushed away and sent into hiding in order to maintain an image (ego) that’s ‘acceptable’ to the world around you.

Most men try to project a strong ego in order to avoid facing their shadow (even though facing it is what will set them free) but this just creates a deeper split and an increased sense of fragmentation.

The way back to wholeness is always through Awareness, Acceptance, and Action:

Awareness (Deconstruct Ego): See the pattern. Name the filter. Notice when you’re trying to control the uncontrollable, hide from yourself, or win some imaginary competition that really doesn’t matter.
Acceptance (Integrate Shadow): Let what is, be. Don’t resist reality because you’ll only lose. Own your flaws, your desires, your mess. Embrace your real opinions and the ways of the world that may initially be uncomfortable (because they don’t align with the ideals that your ego rests upon).
Action (Trust Yourself and Life): From this clarity, act. Let your action come from alignment with the whole, not the scramble of ego. Learn to take action that’s yours to take and let go and trust life to handle the rest in times of uncertainty.

Non-Duality Isn’t Passivity – It’s Power

One of the biggest myths men carry is that dissolving the ego will make them weak but the complete opposite is true: the ego is weakness because it’s illusory and the only power we can ever have comes from what’s REAL.

When you stop reacting from ego, you stop wasting energy because you stop resisting life and start accepting it (which alleviates the friction, frustration, and misery that ego eventually brings).

When you’re not fragmented inside, your actions become clean, clear, and impactful because they’re inspired by something whole.

In this state, drive becomes devotion:

You don’t hustle to be seen; you create because it’s real. You lead not to dominate, but to serve. You train your body not out of fear, but love, respect, and the intention to express more life and feel more alive. You set goals not to feel worthy, but because you already are and you want to revel in it.

This is what it means to be in the world but not of it.

From Vision to Wholeness: Non-Duality Made Actionable

The danger of goal-setting from the ego is that it always moves the finish line because it’s caught up in outcome-independence and so you’ll never feel like you’re ‘enough’.

When you act from that place of REALNESS, beyond duality, your vision shifts:

You aim not to fill a hole, but to express wholeness.

Here’s how you can start to do that:

Vision: What would your life look like if it flowed from truth and wholeness instead fear and fragmentation? Real vision arises when you start to ask yourself “What wants to come through me?“
Goals: Make them real, measurable, and rooted in contribution. They should stretch you but not enslave you as they carry you towards your vision.
Habits: These are your anchor to reality: Choose habits that bring you back into presence, back into the now, back into your body, and that help you to grow into the version of yourself that’s aligned with your vision.

The Discipline of Presence

Most men think discipline is about ‘forcing’ things but real discipline is about presence:

It’s about being here and to remain unshaken, no matter what arises. From this place, you can choose aligned action – not because you’re ‘proving’ something but because you already are something: a man plugged into the whole.

The world will still throw fragmentation at you and so your nervous system will still get triggered here-and-there but, every time you return to realness, you dissolve a bit more ego. You reclaim a bit more energy. You start flowing with life instead of fighting it.

And that? That’s non-dual.

It’s REAL.

Practical Integration: A Roadmap for Non-Duality and Realness

Here’s how to bring this down from the clouds and into your real, day-to-day life:

1. Daily Awareness Practice

Spend at least 10 minutes a day in stillness:

Ask yourself: What am I believing right now that is creating resistance?

Breathe. Observe. No ‘fixing’. Just notice that ego filter and how your identity is distorting your life.

2. Shadow Work Journal

Every week, write about what ‘triggered’ or activated you in some way: Go deep.

What fear or unmet need is behind it? What part of your ego was being defended? What is it time to let go of? What is it time to accept?

3. Choose Real Goals

Check your goals and figure out if they’re motivated in ego or in something real. Essentially, you wanna make sure that your goals serve growth, not approval (or any other unreal strategy for filling the Void).

4. Create Flow Habits

Build 3 daily habits that anchor you into presence:

Breathwork or cold showers to reset your nervous system.
Resistance training to stay grounded.
Time in nature to remind you of the whole.

5. Commit to the Dance

You’re not trying to be perfect; you’re not trying to become enlightened by next Tuesday; you’re just dancing with life and observing it as it unfolds.

Sometimes you’ll flow, sometimes you’ll fall but realness is always in the return so commit to it.

As the old Japanese proverb says: “Nanakorobi yaoki” (七転び八起き) “If you fall down seven times, get up eight”.

Non-duality is about giving up the ego so you can grow real.

Final Word: Truth Dissolves Ego and Non-Duality is Reality

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting to build, achieve, or impact the world – in fact, the world probably needs more men who do that from wholeness.

But you can’t bypass your way there:

You have to face your filters, you have to stop fighting reality, and you have to let go of the image of the man you think you should be so you can finally be the one you are.

That’s non-duality: not an escape but a return.

Stay real out there,

P.S. If you’re interested in tapping into your real drive and taking action and you think that coaching might be for you, then book a free call with me and get moving.

Intimacy Struggles: How Shame Hides Behind Ego

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Life Philosophy/Health/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

The Only Barrier to Real Intimacy is Shame but Lingering Shame is Always Unreal

Most people think that struggles with intimacy are about communication skills or finding the ‘right person but they’re not:

The real obstacle is shame and how shame hides itself behind the mask of ego.

When shame isn’t dealt with, it doesn’t just sit quietly in the background – instead, it builds an entire false self around it (the ego). This false self is a version of you that doesn’t show too much, doesn’t risk too much, and certainly doesn’t let anyone in too close because it’s worried that if any of these things happen then the ‘real’ you will be seen and the shame will become too much to bear.

This is why we can say that the ego is the main block to intimacy:

Because intimacy – real intimacy -demands being seen but the ego keeps blocking the view.

Really, it’s not rocket science: you can’t be seen if you’re too busy putting on a show.

In this article, we’ll unpack how shame works, how it hides behind ego, and what to do if you want real intimacy instead of just playing relationships on ‘easy’ mode but never really being satisfied (because the only thing that can satisfy us in relationships is real intimacy).

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Intimacy is always more difficult when shame is involved.

Shame: Disconnection From the Truth

When you’re in your realness – connected to the truth about who you are, what the world is, and how reality works – shame has no power over you.

This is because shame can only exist when there’s a break between you and the truth itself.

This is exactly what the story of Adam and Eve is really about:

They weren’t ashamed until they ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil – until they became self-conscious, divided and stuck in the judgement that comes from stepping away from wholeness and entering the unreal realm of fragmentation.

The shame didn’t come from being inherently ‘bad’ – it came from being disconnected from the truth of who they were and their true nature.

In many ways, the same thing happens today:

We disconnect from our realness (by buying into unreal ideas).
We judge ourselves based on some external standard (aka ‘The world’ which is never reality).
We feel not ‘enough’ because we have ‘knowledge’ that we don’t need.
We create a persona to cover it up (just like Adam and Eve did with their fig leaves).

This persona is the ego and all of the goals that we end up chasing because of it – i.e. the things we pursue because we think they’ll somehow be able to fill the Void that only the truth itself can fill (because the disconnection from truth it’s what’s causing the void in the first place).

Once we’re locked into this persona system and begin to attach to and identify with it, it becomes very difficult to let people get close because they would have to meet you, not the persona.

And that feels risky and we don’t think we can handle such risk (again, because we became disconnected from the truth).

The Illusion That Keeps Shame Alive: Judgement

Shame doesn’t survive on its own – it relies on judgement to keep reminding it why it’s ‘supposed’ to exist in the first place.

This is because judgement creates the illusion of duality – right/wrong, worthy/unworthy, acceptable/unacceptable, etc.

Without this illusion, shame has no oxygen and so it can’t keep it’s hold over us.

The irony, of course, is that most of the time, the harshest judge against you is yourself:

You’re the one keeping shame alive by measuring yourself against impossible standards and then going back into hiding when you fall short.

When you get stuck in shame cycles like this, you believe there’s something about you that disqualifies you from being truly loved and so you cling even more vehemently to ego in order to compensate.

The problem is, ego doesn’t want real connection – it wants control.

Two Types of People: Shame-Driven vs Shame-Dissolving

If you zoom out and look at human behaviour, you can pretty much divide people into two groups (based on how the react or respond to their own shame):

Shame-Driven People:

These people built their personalities around avoiding shame:

Every decision – relationships, careers, image, conversations, whatever -is filtered through ego.They don’t want to be seen; they want to be approved of.

Shame-driven people might seem confident, successful, even charming but underneath it’s all about maintaining the mask.
Shame-Dissolving People:

These people are in the process of coming back to realness:

They’re integrating the shadow, letting go of false images, and learning to live in the truth.

They aren’t perfect – no one is – but they are willing to be seen as they really are, without filtering every move through the question: “How will this make me look?”

The difference is whether a person is reacting to shame or starting to take the mask of and dissolve it.
Unfortunately, most of the world is still reacting to it which is why things just seem to get weirder and weirder and become increasingly unreal.

Why Most Relationships Feel Shallow

A lot of modern relationships aren’t built on real connection – they’re built on an unspoken agreement:

“I’ll pretend to be what you want if you pretend to be what I want.”

That’s why:

People feel lonely even when they’re in relationships.
People get bored and restless even when nothing is ‘wrong’.
People keep chasing ‘better’ – a better partner, better spark, better communication – but can’t explain why it still feels hollow.

The problem isn’t the relationship:

The problem is that the real you and the real them never showed up.

When ego is driving the bus, no matter how good things look on paper, intimacy is impossible because intimacy requires realness and the ego is allergic to being seen.

Practical Signs You’re Still Letting Shame and Ego Run the Show

Let’s be specific:

If shame and ego are still running your life (even subtly), it often shows up like this:

You edit yourself in conversations, trying to say the ‘right’ thing (instead of expressing whatever it is that you really think).
You’re scared to bring up real feelings because you might seem too much or that you’ll be rejected in some way (and that you won’t be able to handle this rejection because your ego depends on approval and acceptance).
You’re more focused on whether people like you than whether you actually like them (and you even want people you don’t like to like you).
You chase people who validate the image you want to believe about yourself (and find those who tell you the truth or offer you opportunities to grow offensive and/or repulsive).
You feel exhausted after socialising because maintaining the mask is tiring (because it always takes energy to be unreal whereas our realness charges us up).

None of this makes you a bad person – it just means you’re still operating from the belief that you have to earn love by performing instead of just being real.

The good news is that you can shift it because you can always come back to your realness.

How To Actually Build Real Intimacy (Without Forcing It)

Step 1: Get Honest With Yourself First

You can’t expect other people to see the real you if you’re still hiding from yourself so start asking:

Where am I pretending or hiding?
What am I afraid people would see if I stopped performing?
What’s the real story behind the way I show up?

Step 2: Choose to Lead With the Truth

This doesn’t mean oversharing or turning every conversation into a therapy session – it simply means showing up as you are, not the polished version you think people want to see.

For example:

If you don’t know something, admit it.
If you’re nervous, say so.
If you’re upset, be willing to talk about it instead of pretending you’re fine.

Step 3: Stop Chasing Approval

Real intimacy can’t be achieved – it can only be received:

If you have to perform for someone’s affection, that’s not intimacy – it’s a transaction and it’s totally unreal.

Instead of chasing validation, focus on building relationships where you can be real from the start. They’re the relationships that will last (because what’s real is always real).

Step 4: Let People Reveal Themselves

Remember that not everyone deserves access to your real self:

Trust is earned — not in grand gestures, but in small consistent moments where it’s safe to be seen.

If someone judges, mocks, or manipulates when you’re real, that’s feedback to move on and find something real instead.

(The sacred mantra will always serve you: “Gimme something real or GTFO“).

Intimacy is about being known and knowing in return.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, shame isn’t some mysterious force that randomly infects people – it’s simply what happens when we disconnect from the truth and build a life around hiding instead of being real.

The ego was built to protect you in the short-term but it’s not who you are in the long-term.

The way home is always the same:

Uncover the truth.
Live and breathe the truth.
Choose realness over performance – even when it feels uncomfortable.

When you do, intimacy stops being a battlefield and starts being what it was always meant to be:

A meeting of two real people in wholeness, without shame, without masks, and without fear.

Stay real out there,

Entrepreneur vs Employee: Why You Must Think Like a Creator to Live Your Real Life

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Mindset/Creativity/Life Philosophy/Personal Revolutions/Psychology

The Entrepreneur Mindset Can Change Your Life…No Matter Who You Are

Let’s start this one with a hard truth:

If you want to live real, you probably need to stop thinking like an employee.

That might sound a tad extreme, especially if you’re already quite content in your job, but this article isn’t just about whether you’re self-employed or on someone else’s payroll – it’s about how you see yourself in a way that’s either unreal or REAL.

It’s about whether you’re passive or active in your own life; whether you wait for instructions before moving ahead or forging your own path; whether you’re following a script or writing one.

The employee mindset is everywhere and it most often leads to what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation”:

It’s pumped into our brains at school, made part of our identity at university, and embedded deep in our collective psyche by the time we’re scanning the job boards with sweaty palms and a tidy CV.

We’re told that the meaning of life is to seek ‘security’ (even though they can fire you at any time), stay ‘safe’ (even though your pay cheque is dependent on somebody else’s success), and delay our dreams until we’ve earned the ‘right’ to chase them by being ‘sensible’ first – maybe once the mortgage is paid or after the kids have left home or when retirement finally rolls around.

Just before you, die, of course.

The truth about this standard path is that the script it follows isn’t written with your freedom or realness in mind – it’s written to make sure the machine keeps turning.

And you – if you’re not paying attention – just end up becoming another cog.

If that’s not what you want to be, then keep reading:

The entrepreneur mindset can help you break free.

What We Cover in This Article

The Entrepreneur Mindset Can Change Your Life…No Matter Who You Are
What If You Were Never Meant to Be a Cog?
A Tale of Two Mindsets: Employee vs. Entrepreneur
You Don’t Need to Quit Your Job – You Need to Flip the Script
The Death Grip of Comfort
Start Being an Entrepreneur Now. Wherever You Are.
Action is the Cure for Everything
Practical Steps to Cultivate the Entrepreneurial Mindset
Final Word: Realness of Spirit

What If You Were Never Meant to Be a Cog?

The majority of ‘normal’ people are conditioned to see themselves as ‘employees’. Though there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with this way of living, when we don’t think real for ourselves we hand our lives over to somebody else.

And, if you wanna live free, you gotta think free.

The moment we internalise the employee mindset, we become psychologically dependent which goes against our natural state of realness:

Dependent on authority figures to tell us what to do. Dependent on structure to give our days meaning. Dependent on external permission to feel like we ‘matter’ or that we’re worthy in some way (because we’re getting results for somebody else).

Over time, this dependency is just a death by a thousand slow cuts that eats away at what it means to be truly alive.

The entrepreneurial mindset, in contrast, is not about being the boss or chasing money – it’s about being the author of your own real life.

It’s about asking yourself “How can I offer something of value to the world?” and then building your a real purpose for yourself around the answer to that question.

In terms of your REALNESS, it’s about being real enough to think for yourself and being active enough to shape your circumstances instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you.

Essentially, it boils down to two different ways of seeing yourself, the world, and reality:

A Tale of Two Mindsets: Employee vs. Entrepreneur

Let’s break it down.

Employee Mindset	Entrepreneurial Mindset
Works for money	Builds systems that make money
Waits for permission	Creates opportunities
Follows orders	Solves problems
Avoids risk	Embraces calculated risk
Values security over freedom	Values freedom over comfort
Lives for weekends and holidays	Designs a life they don’t need to escape from
Does what they’re told	Asks why and how it could be done better
Lives reactively	Lives proactively

This isn’t just about business – it’s about character. It’s about choosing to see yourself as a creative force in your own life, no matter what you’re doing (whether you’re building a start-up, leading a team, freelancing, working in retail, or currently doing anything else).

In fact, if you have a job that you’re currently ‘stuck’ in, then the entrepreneurial mindset might help you more than anyone else. Why?

Because it gives you leverage:

You stop showing up just to get paid and start showing up to grow real, to learn, and to become more valuable to yourself and others.

That shift alone can be the difference between a life of quiet resentment and one of quiet confidence.

You Don’t Need to Quit Your Job – You Need to Flip the Script

Let’s be real (the whole point of this blog, after all):

Not everyone can drop everything and launch a business and not everyone should but everyone can benefit from cultivating the mindset of a creator.

Seeing yourself as an active entrepreneur, instead of just a passive employee, will help you regardless of your situation. Any ‘job’ you take should be one that can teach you something that benefits your real life goals and values.

This is the key: see every experience as training for the real life you’re creating – not the one you’ve settled for. Not the one you were handed. But the one you’re shaping.

Even your worst job can be used to refine your vision, toughen your character, and teach you skills that will serve you later – if you’re willing to look at it through the eyes of someone who’s building something and constantly engaged in the process of bringing that vision to life.

The Death Grip of Comfort

I totally understand how seductive the idea of ‘security’ is but here’s the irony: the safety we chase is mostly an illusion.

You can lose your job. You can lose your savings. You can even lose your health. The only real security lies in your ability to adapt, to grow, and to continually offer value to the world.

You can’t have happiness without freedom and you can’t have freedom until you fight for influence over your own life.

Comfort is the enemy of growth because it tells you that stagnation is okay as long as you’re not suffering.

But suffering isn’t the only thing to fear:

Regret is worse and it comes when you realise you gave up your life for the illusion of safety and now there’s no time to change it.

Start Being an Entrepreneur Now. Wherever You Are.

You don’t need to change your career overnight, but – if this article resonates with you – you do need to change your perspective:

You need to see yourself as someone who creates value and find ways to start doing that instead of just being somebody who trades time for money.

Your time is your LIFE (because death is coming and time, energy, and attention are the most important assets you have). When you trade you’re time, you’re literally giving your life away so make sure you’re trading it for something real.

Here are a few questions to get you thinking like an entrepreneur – regardless of your job title:

What value do I currently bring to the people I work with or serve?
What problems do I notice that I could help solve at work, at home, or in my community?
What skills do I need to develop to become more real?
What would I create if I stopped waiting for permission?
What am I doing right now that feels passive and how could I flip the script and turn it into action?

These are all questions that move you out of stasis and into growth – that move you out of the realm of ideas and into the world of action.

Action is the Cure for Everything

To grow in REALNESS, we don’t deal in empty abstractions:

If it isn’t actionable or experiential, it isn’t real; if it doesn’t eventually take root in your behaviour, it doesn’t matter.

And here’s one of the most important truths of all: no one’s going to do it for you.

Most people think that the way things are is the way they will always be; if you see the world as unchangeable, then you will most likely end up stuck in a job that you hate for the rest of your life.

So stop waiting and start building. Whether it’s a side hustle, a product, a community, or simply a new way of thinking – start.

You real life is unfolding right now.

Practical Steps to Cultivate the Entrepreneurial Mindset

Audit your week: Where are you spending time on things that don’t serve your bigger purpose? Where can you reclaim time? If it’s not real, then don’t do it (as much as that’s possible in an unreal world).
Start a ‘value log’: Each day, write down something you did that created value for someone else -even if it’s small. Keep your focus on the problems that you’re solving for people and how you’re actually improving the world around you.
Learn something that will help you grow real: Read a book on creativity, persuasion, systems thinking or marketing – not for trivia, but to get better at whatever it is you’re already doing and what you want to eventually be doing.
Create an offer: This could be offering to help a colleague solve a problem, or pitching a service, or creating a resource to share online. Start packaging up what you can do for people and find people that want you to do it.
Speak to people who are doing what you want to do alrady: Find your tribe and let their example pull you forward. Iron sharpens iron.
Create before you consume. Each morning, spend 10–30 minutes making something – writing, drawing, planning, building – before checking social media or emails. Make this part of your morning routine and commit to it daily. You’ll see your results compound over time (if you write a few hundred words a day, you’ll have the first draft of a book by the end of a year, for example).
Reflect weekly: What did you do this week that moved you closer to the life you actually want? Keep checking in with yourself and refining the path you’re walking on.

The entrepreneur mindset is about taking calculated risk and living a real life.

Final Word: Realness of Spirit

Entrepreneurship isn’t a job description – it’s a spirit:

It’s the attitude of someone who knows that life is not a rehearsal and that the only security worth chasing is the kind you build as an expression of what’s already with you.

Whether you’re working a 9–5, running your own gig, or somewhere in between, choose to be real by choosing to be active:

Create something. Offer something. Become something.

You don’t need to have all the answers – you just need to stop waiting for someone else to give them to you.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number thirty one in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

P.S. If you’re interested in coaching and want to work on changing your life, then book a free call with me and get started right away.

Realness and Dementia: How Facing Reality Might Prevent Dementia

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Life Philosophy/Health/Mindset/Psychology

How the Fragmentation of the Self May Lead to Issues in Later Life

What if dementia isn’t just a neurological condition but also the psyche’s last-ditch attempt to return to wholeness after a lifetime of fragmentation?

That might sound a little dramatic and I know it’s a sensitive topic but stay with me.

In my work as a coach, I serve people around the practical philosophy of REALNESS which can be summarised here as a process of shedding illusion and living in relationship with reality. It’s about being radically present, brutally honest, and deeply trusting.

Recently, after realising that a lot of older people (70s/80s/90s) start to feel like prisoners in their own bodies, I’ve been exploring a provocative theory: that dementia may be a final form of dissociation from a life – and body – that became too painful to stay present in.

If this could be a valid theory then what if the path to prevention isn’t just biomedical but something a little more holistic? What if it starts with embracing reality and consistently following the real path of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action?

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Could it be that dementia is on the rise because we're becoming more fragmented?

The Psyche’s Escape Hatch

We already know and have a lot of evidence that dissociation is a psychological response to trauma: it’s a way for the mind to distance itself from unbearable reality.

But what if that same mechanism plays out over a lifetime and culminates – in some cases – as dementia?

Please note: this isn’t to say that dementia is only psychological or spiritual.

There are well-documented physiological causes: Alzheimer’s disease, vascular degeneration, plaques and tangles, etc. But research also shows that chronic stress, unresolved trauma, and emotional suppression correlate strongly with cognitive decline.

In one study published in Neurology, higher levels of midlife stress were associated with increased risk of dementia later in life (Johansson et al., 2010). Another study in The American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry found that individuals with a history of trauma were more likely to develop Alzheimer’s symptoms (Peavy et al., 2009).

On top of this evidence is the lived observations: for example, how many people with dementia seem to ‘revert’ to earlier versions of themselves – forgetting their current partner but remembering a previous one, for instance? It’s as if the psyche is retreating to the last place it felt safe and most REAL.

It seems to me that cases like this aren’t ‘random’ (i.e. the psyche isn’t just randomly choosing a point in time to return to):

What’s taking place is a regression – a return to the most stable self-concept (ego) before life became too painful to process and deal with. When we view this through the lens of realness, this looks a lot like a soul attempting to find home in its past, because it couldn’t find peace in its present (because the decline of the body and the inevitability of death as old age takes its toll are too much to bear).

When the Body Becomes a Prison

Many of us already live lives divorced from our bodies – even if they haven’t turned against us yet as we go through the stages of being born, ripening, decaying, and then dying:

We push through pain, suppress emotion, live in denial of death and do all kinds of conscious and unconscious mental gymnastics to keep the ego where it is (so we can avoid facing the shadow self and becoming whole).

The abridged version is that we construct egos to help us perform, achieve, and survive and, sometimes, those identities get so calcified that by the time we find that we’ve reached old age, we don’t know how to let them go.

That’s unfortunate because – more than most things – aging demands surrender (which means facing reality):

It demands we surrender youth, image, control, roles, bodily functions and mobility, and even memory but – if we never learned how to grieve – how to process loss – then aging feels like torture and the body, once a tool of expression, now becomes a prison.

In order to try and escape this prison (instead of accepting reality), the mind begins to break its own rules and starts to show us what we need to see rather than what’s actually there.

REALNESS teaches us that there’s a natural drive toward wholeness that’s literally always calling us into more wholeness. But if we’re too entrenched in ego, too identified with form, we can’t hear this call and life starts to slip between our fingers.

Eventually, the psyche may resort to dementia as its final act of self-liberation – an unconscious retreat into forgetfulness, because presence has become too painful for somebody locked in a body that doesn’t suit the self-concept or image that has traditionally been used to interact with the present and filter life through it.

The Real Risk: Refusing to Change

This brings us to a hard truth: dementia may not always be about physical decay as much as it is about our mental and emotional reactions to this decay.

Sometimes, dementia might be about disconnection from what’s most REAL about ourselves, the world, and reality itself.

If we go our entire lives without updating our identity and clinging to the unreal in order to avoid facing what’s real… if we keep rejecting change, denying grief, avoiding truth… then the self becomes more-and-more fragmented and our lives become more-and-more unreal.

In other words, the more we cling and refuse to let go, the harder it gets to integrate reality and actually work with it. Later in life, when the present becomes too unfamiliar to hold, the mind might regress to the last stable identity it remembers as a way of dissociating and not being completely overwhelmed.

This, of course, begs a question or two:

What if we never let it get to that point?

What if we lived in a way that made change sacred instead of something to be feared?

This brings us back to our REALNESS and using it as a preventative measure:

REALNESS as Preventative Soul Care

REALNESS is more than just a mindset – it’s a process of continuous integration, rooted in three stages:

1. Awareness

Learning to become conscious of your assumptions, patterns, stories, identities, and the emotional ‘stuff’ that guides your thoughts (without you knowing, usually).

This means training to notice when you’re living in resistance – i.e. when you’re clinging to a version of yourself that no longer fits what’s actually real. It’s about seeing reality without distortion and then acting from a place of wholeness instead of mental fragmentation projected out into the world.

2. Acceptance

Getting to a place where you can feel what’s actually there, let go of what’s passing or passed, and stop pretending things are okay when they’re not. This is the core of emotional health – it’s how we process loss instead of suppressing it.

Without acceptance, we also avoid the TRUTH about things with the cost of our emotions getting buried instead of faced. The longer we go without facing the truth, the more our emotional ‘stuff’ becomes the very fragmentation that fuels dissociation and separates us from our realness.

3. Action

Taking aligned steps based on truth, not F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”):

This includes adapting your self-concept to fit the current season of our life and evolving consciously rather than waiting for crisis to force your hand.

When you live from these three pillars, you’re doing more than managing stress – you’re creating spiritual resilience. You’re strengthening the muscle that lets you stay here, no matter what changes.

Practical Ways to Stay Whole and Avoid Unnecessary Fragmentation

Here are some practical steps you can take now to build a life that resists dissociation and supports cognitive and emotional wholeness:

1. Practice Daily Reality Check-Ins

Take 5 minutes each day to ask yourself questions that raise awareness and increase acceptance:

What am I resisting right now?
What feels true that I don’t want to accept?
Where am I pretending?

Write it down and let your answers guide your realignment into wholeness and then REAL ACTION.

2. Process Grief Regularly

You don’t need a funeral to grieve – you just need to learn the art of LETTING GO (read my new book Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace to go deep into this):

Grieve the job you left, the body that’s changing, the relationships that shifted, and anything else that’s been and gone.

Unprocessed grief is one of the biggest contributors to emotional fragmentation and refusing to face emotions is what makes us more fragmented than anything else (because it increases dissociation and causes a wider gulf between our ego and our realness).

3. Ritualise Changes in Your Life

One of the reasons so many of us cling on to outdated images of ourselves and then get a massive shock in old age is because our culture has lost its traditions and rites of passage.

This being the case, you can start to create your own:

Mark birthdays not just with parties, but with reflection. Celebrate endings and beginnings.

Aging shouldn’t be a shock – it should be a sacred unfolding into more truth and wholeness (with death being the ultimate release when the time comes).

4. Stretch the Trust Muscle

Trust doesn’t mean blind hope – it means surrendering to what is, and taking action in flow rather than force.

Meditation, breathwork, and somatic practices help regulate your nervous system and build trust in the now.

If your nervous system feels safe you will fear reality less and become less dissociated overall.

5. Update Your Identity Often

Every season of life asks you to become someone new and to let go of what’s unreal:

Don’t cling to who you were at 25 – let your self-image evolve and let go of outdated pride.

Grow into the ‘You’ that reality is asking you to be now.

Dementia is possibly what happens when we cling to life instead of letting go.

The Bigger Picture: Living and Dying Whole

If, in some cases, dementia is the soul’s retreat from a life it couldn’t bear to stay in, then REALNESS is about creating a life worth staying present for and reducing the risk (plus, it just feels good to be real and to flow with life instead of forcing everything).

Of course, we can’t control everything about our biology but we can control how we relate to the truth:

We can choose to meet reality with grace instead of resistance.

REALNESS isn’t just how you live. It’s how you die.

Fragmented or whole?

There’s a difference between ego memory and real memory:

Ego memory says, “This is who I used to be”.

Real memory says, “This is who I’ve always been beneath the form life takes”.

Stay real out there,

Real Life Transformation: The Secret to Actually Transforming Your Life (For the Better)

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Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Shadow Life

Real Life Transformation Comes from Changing What You Love, Not What You Believe

Most of the people who come to me for coaching initially think they need to change their mindset, and to be fair, they usually do.

Here’s the thing that they all eventually learn in the end, though:

Mindset alone won’t change your life.

You can read all the self-help books in the world, recite affirmations until your voice box falls out, or try to hypnotise yourself into being more positive but if your heart still craves the ‘wrong’ things, nothing will truly change for you and your life will just become more-and-more unreal.

It’s a bit like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic whilst it keeps getting flooded with water – sure, it might look a little bit neater or whatever, but you’re still sinking and haven’t addressed the deeper ‘stuff’.

In the case of transformation, that deeper ‘stuff’ is not just in your head (like your mindset) – it’s in your body:

It’s in your nervous system and its state of regulation; it’s in the old shame you’ve never quite faced, the guilt that lingers in the background, and the trauma that fills you with fear and doubt every time something good happens.

This all goes to show that transformation isn’t a purely mental game of rearranging beliefs and being more ‘positive’ (though those things are part of the journey) – it’s a whole-being shift, and it starts with learning to love the real instead of the unreal.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Real life transformation comes from making choices for something real.

The Problem With Mindset-Only Transformation

Let me be clear: there’s nothing wrong with working on your beliefs – it’s a great entry point and something that I always work on with my coaching clients in the earlier stages of a coaching container (usually with the help of the ‘Thought Log’ that you can download on this site).

Our beliefs shape perception and perception shapes action but if those beliefs are sitting on top of a foundation of shame, trauma, and fragmented desires, then you’re building a house on sand that’s eventually destined to collapse.

When people fall into the trap of thinking that tweaking their ‘mindset’ is all they need to do to transform their lives, they often try to change their beliefs without doing the emotional excavation required to see where those beliefs came from in the first place.

What’s interesting is that 9 times out of 10, unreal and unhelpful beliefs are rooted in unresolved pain (shame, guilt, and/or trauma, usually) – they came from ego strategies designed to protect you when you felt unsafe, unloved, or unworthy.

If you can start to deal with these unresolved emotions, then the beliefs usually take care of themselves.

The problem is that the ego is a clever master and so it ‘knows’ how to keep hiding this unresolved ‘stuff’ from us so we can resist reality and growth and keep identifying with what’s familiar (and all the problems that come with this familiarity):

It knows how to dress up its fears as ambition; it knows how to make you chase things – jobs, relationships, money, whatever – that look shiny on the surface but are really just distractions and compensations from and for deeper wounds.

Even worse, it knows especially well how to convince you that these things are what you need and ‘LOVE’.

If you want to really transform your life then you need to come to terms with the fact that you don’t really love these things at all. Not in the way that matters.

You desire them because they promise relief and allow you to keep identifying in a way that keeps that unresolved ‘pain’ at bay.

What’s ironic is that the ‘relief’ these things promise is just the relief from the unbearable feeling of disconnection from something real. If you stop chasing them and learn to love something real instead then you’re life will be transformed from the inside-out and things will start to fall into place.

Let’s see how you can start flipping the script and growing REAL:

Love and the Fragmented Self

When we talk about love in the context of transformation, we have to get clear on one thing from the get-go:

Most people don’t know what real love feels like.

That’s not a judgement, just an observation – it’s just the natural consequence of living in a world that teaches us to chase illusions and where so many of us are lost to the Void.

Unreal love is conditional – it’s based on scarcity, performance, and outcome. It says: “If I get this, then I’ll be worthy” or “If they love me, then I’ll feel whole”. This attitude just teaches us to be outcome-dependent (to outsource our levels of self-worth and self-acceptance onto external goals).

It’s means that realness always appears to be outside of you, just out of reach, and never can never last (which flies in the face of the truth because what’s real is always real).

Real love, on the other hand, is a returning to wholeness (instead of the fragmentation of conditions):

It’s a homecoming – what you feel when you let go of all the lies and brick walls that the ego has built around your heart (your ‘heart’ being your key intentions and assumptions – not just your ‘feelings’).

In other words, real love the natural state of someone who has integrated their shadow and is no longer running from themselves.

The Shadow, the Ego, and the Illusion of Salvation

Your shadow is the ‘part’ of you that holds all the stuff you learned to hide in order to be ‘acceptable’ in the eyes of the world and to avoid shame, guilt, and/or trauma – it’s the emotional baggage that didn’t fit your image of who you were “supposed” to be.

When the shadow is unintegrated, it controls you from the beneath the surface of your life and dictates many of the things that you attract and experience in your life (by guiding your unconscious intentions).

The Ego is in a constant battle with the Shadow and wants to keep it at bay (because the ego is made of fragments but the shadow is whole):

It uses strategies like people-pleasing, perfectionism, aggression, withdrawal, addiction, and overachievement to try and escape the tension that comes from keeping the shadow in hiding and the threat of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ resurfacing.

To this aim, it sends you on a wild goose chase and tells you to start trying to fill the Void with something other than the truth:

“If I can just get this one thing – this job, this lover, this lifestyle – I’ll finally be okay.”

Whatever that one thing is, it can never save you because it’s not about the thing – it’s about the parts of you that still feel unworthy of love unless you have it.

This is how we end up loving the wrong things:

We don’t even know we’re doing it. We confuse addiction with affection, attachment with alignment, and chasing with choosing.

And this is why transformation doesn’t happen until we change what we love.

Where Your Treasure Is…

Jesus summed it all up when he said, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.

If your treasure is in the ego’s promises, your heart will always be anxious and you’ll always be grasping, striving, chasing – and, even if you ‘win’, it won’t feel like enough.

But if your treasure is in something real – truth, wholeness, God, whatever word works for you – then your heart finds peace. Not because life becomes easy or perfect, but because your love is rooted in something that doesn’t change when circumstances do.

Loving the real aligns every part of you:

Your mind stops spinning, your emotions start to flow, your body starts to regulate. Your nervous system learns that it’s safe to be here now and from that place, transformation isn’t something you force – it’s something that you flow with instead of having to force.

The Nervous System and the Transformation Trap

Here’s a vital truth that most people overlook: your nervous system will not let you take real action if it still thinks you’re in danger. And guess what? Most people are living in a state of constant low-grade emergency.

Their sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) is dominating their whole experience of life and so they’re wired to survive, not to thrive.

This means that while the mind might be trying to “think positively” or “set goals” and work on all that other ‘mindset’ stuff, the body is screaming and holding them back by saying that nothing is safe but that everything is a threat.

Real transformation requires nervous system regulation because only then can you let go and actually trust yourself and life to do what’s required. This means learning to come out of survival mode and into presence and feeling your feelings, instead of intellectualising them.

It requires breathing, grounding, moving, and integrating.

And perhaps most importantly (in the context of this article), it requires stopping the chase for external salvation and starting to fall in love with the reality of your own existence – messy, beautiful, and whole.

So What Do You Love?

This is the question at the heart of everything we’re talking about:

What do you really love?

Not what do you want, or what do you think you need to be okay – but what do you love so deeply that you’d give your whole life to it without needing it to ‘fix’ you or to fill the Void?

If the answer is something real – truth, growth, wholeness, God, or love itself (“Love is God is Truth”) – then you’re on the right path. If the answer is something unreal and that only ‘means’ anything to the ego’ – status, validation, control, perfection – then it’s time to reconfigure your relationship with your own heart and to point it at something real (“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”).

This isn’t about becoming an ascetic or rejecting worldly things. You can still have the job, the lover, the house, the car – all of these things are good things, after all (if we don’t put them on a pedestal they don’t belong on). Just love them for what they are, not for what you hope they’ll prove about you because you’re driven by that underlying shame (etc.).

When your love is real, your actions become real. When your actions become real, your life becomes real.

Real life transformation comes from knowing your treasure is real.

The REAL Work: Where is Your Treasure?

So how do we begin this process of changing what we love?

Awareness – Notice what you currently love and how it’s guiding your life and the decisions you make:

What do you chase? What do you obsess over? What hurts when you don’t have it?
Acceptance – Get honest about the shadow motivations behind these loves:

Are you trying to be seen? To be enough? To escape? What are you really looking for for the sake of filling a Void that doesn’t even need to have a hold over you?
Action – Start turning your heart towards something real:

Begin practices that reconnect you with your body and the truth:

This might include breathwork, meditation, somatic therapy, shadow journaling, or simply telling the truth more often.

This is the process of real transformation: aligning your love with what is actually real – not what you’ve been told is real because of social conditioning or what you think is real because of what your ego wants to be real.

When you love something real and allow your emotions to do what they need to do, your beliefs take care of themselves:

You no longer need to convince or motivate yourself to change – you just want to because the false falls away naturally when the truth is finally seen.

When that happens, you’re no longer rearranging those deckchairs.

You’re building a new ship entirely.

Stay real out there,

If you’re ready to start transforming your life in a deep way and you’re interested in coaching then book a free call with me and get started right away.

Drama in Relationships: How To Know If You’re Addicted To Unreal Dynamics

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Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It

A common problem that sucks us into the Void these days is that we confuse passion with complete chaos.

This can cause us to fall into the trap of thinking that our relationships need to emulate this ‘chaos culture’ if we’re to ever stand a chance of proving that our ‘love’ is real or that we ‘fought’ and ‘won’ for the little scraps of love that this might lead us to.

Maybe can blame this on the movies, maybe it’s TikTok, but whatever it is it causes us to by into the myth that dopamine-fuelled chaos is an essential ingredient in a ‘real’ relationship.

Unfortunately, this just leads to unnecessary DRAMA in relationships because this chaos is always the product of something unreal (i.e. the ego) and not something that’s actually helping us to be refined and reconfigured in the furnace of life’s true chaos (which is just anything beyond the realms of whatever we currently think we know).

This being the case, it’s no surprise that many of us mistake emotional drama for real connection or believe that ‘love’ should feel like some kind of soap opera.

Let’s get something straight from the outset:

Real love is not drama.

Instead, real love is grounded, present, and safe.

This can lead to a problem that many people have to deal with for years and maybe even their whole lives:

If you’re addicted to unreality and drama in relationships, the stability of real love might feel boring and so you think there’s something ‘wrong’ with it.

If you’re stuck in this loop, it’s not just unfortunate – it’s destructive because it stops you growing real and keeps you in a place that you (probably) don’t really want to be (despite being addicted to it).

How do you know if you’re in love with love or just hooked on the highs and lows of a dramatic emotional theme park ride?

Let’s dig a little deeper to find out:

Drama in relationships always comes from being unreal.

What We’ll Cover in this Article

Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It
The Seduction of Drama in Relationships
What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?
- Why We Get Addicted to the Unreal and Drama in Relationships
How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)
What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like
Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t

The Seduction of Drama in Relationships

Let’s not pretend drama doesn’t have its allure:

When someone makes your heart race with a cryptic message or love-bombs you with grand gestures then vanishes into the emotional ether, the push-pull chase dynamic that opens up can feel intoxicating.

The truth, however, is that these dynamics rarely have anything to do with love because their mainly psychological and physiological (whereas love is about the whole of us) and so what we’re actually experiencing is often a surge of chemically addictive responses with cortisol, adrenaline, and dopamine all working in tandem to keep you chasing.

Really, it’s no different to gambling or any other addiction that ‘hooks’ us in with the promise of the unknown because unpredictability creates a hit of anticipation that becomes addictive.

Even though you may know it’s bad for you, you keeping going back anyway.

This is what happens when you’re addicted to the unreal and – once you’re hooked – real connection can feel…underwhelming in comparison.

What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?

Real means that we’re experiencing ourselves and lives as a whole (to the greatest extent possible) and at least open to going deeper into wholeness (which is what a REAL relationship is a container for). Unreal means that we’re fragmented and resisting and distorting life because of attachment to the ego and so we’re closed to going deeper into wholeness (because it threatens the ego).

This being the case, an unreal relationship is one that:

Is defined by uncertainty: One minute they’re obsessed, the next they’re cold (because their ego can’t let go completely and so you find yourself never knowing what’s really going on).
Feels like a performance: You’re more focused on how things look rather than how they actually are (because the ego is an illusion).
Relies on fantasy: You cling to the potential of the other person, not the reality (because they don’t want you to see the real them as they want you to see the ego and validate it for them).
Distorts your sense of self: You feel you must be someone else to keep their interest (in order to try and live up to their unreal expectations).
Replays childhood wounds: You’re chasing validation, approval, or love from someone emotionally unavailable (because your ego is what got you involved in an unreal relationship in the first place and these old patterns are why your ego ‘exists’ in the first place).

If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the trap of experiencing drama in relationships – the odds are – your nervous system is confusing emotional chaos (the push-pull) with true intimacy (a shared journey towards deeper wholeness).

Why We Get Addicted to the Unreal and Drama in Relationships

There are a few key psychological and emotional patterns that lead to this kind of addiction to unreal relationship dynamics and drama:

1. Shame and Unworthiness

If deep down you don’t feel worthy of love because of unresolved shame, guilt, and/or trauma, you’re more likely to be drawn to people who withhold it because their rejection mirrors your internal beliefs.

On some level, it feels right because it matches your unconscious assumptions that you don’t deserve real love or a healthy relationship.

2. Egoic Validation

Many chase dramatic partners because they want to ‘win’ them (because they think that love is about the chase, fighting, and sacrificing).

In this case, it becomes less about love, and more about proving you’re good enough (again because of underlying shame).

The chase becomes your self-worth and whoever you’re chasing just ends up on a pedestal as you become outcome-dependent.

3. Unhealed Attachment Wounds

Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are especially susceptible to these dynamics because the unpredictability of unreal relationships triggers old childhood patterns of chasing love from emotionally inconsistent caregivers.

4. Addiction to Intensity

Intensity can feel like connection, especially when you’ve never experienced secure love.

The truth, on the other hand, is that intensity is a poor substitute for intimacy.

How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)

Here are a few red flags to watch for to determine if you have a proclivity for unreal relationships and the ensuing drama that they bring:

You confuse warning signs with butterflies in your stomach (because your nervous system is being overridden by the desires of your ego and so you can no longer tell the difference between safety and threat).
You feel euphoric during the highs and despondent during the lows (because you’re literally addicted to the person and forgot who you are without them).
You spend more time analysing texts and second-guessing than feeling relaxed and known (because there is always some block to communication or some unreal game unfolding that leaves you confused. You may also be experiencing gaslighting).
You fantasise about who they could be rather than who they are and this keeps you locked in the dynamic despite evidence to the contrary that smashes your fantasy (not that you can let go of this fantasy because your ego needs it).
You often feel like you’re auditioning, not relating (because unreal people are always asking you to be unreal too and are incapable of sustained presence).
You feel drawn to people who are hot-and-cold, mysterious, or emotionally unavailable (because you unconsciously (or consciously!) love the push-pull that mystery and unavailability brings).

If you’re nodding along to all this, then take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone (getting sucked into these patterns doesn’t mean that you’re unintelligent or ‘wrong’ in some way – just that you need to master your relationship with yourself a little more)>

Either way, it’s time to ask yourself:

Do I want real love or do I just want the feeling of love?

Real love isn’t just a ‘feeling’ (because feelings can change and real is always real) – it’s also an attitude and commitment that stands the test of time with stability and security.

What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like

Let’s put the drama to one side for a moment and explore what real love feels is all about:

Consistency: You know where you stand.
Honesty: You’re not left guessing.
Mutual respect: You don’t feel like you’re in a power struggle or competition.
Peace: Not to be confused with boredom but a calm presence.
Safety: Your nervous system doesn’t feel like it’s on a battlefield.
Communication: You can talk about issues and resolve them instead of getting into a battle of egos.

You don’t have to earn any of this by dancing through hoops and trying to constantly please somebody who can’t be pleased (because, again, the ego is unreal and so is always looking for something).

Real love doesn’t make you perform – it allows you to be present and keep making progress without being lost in ideas of ‘perfection‘.

Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t

When you grow up in environments where love was inconsistent, manipulative, or conditional, your brain learns to associate emotional instability and the push-pull dynamic with intimacy.

This means that when someone comes along and offers stability you might find yourself thinking that they’re too nice or that something is missing (which it is… the drama).

What you’re really saying to yourself in these moments is: I’m not used to this kind of safety.

In short: your nervous system has been wired to crave the emotional rollercoaster, even though it’s burning you out.

The Ego in the Drama

Unreal relationships aren’t just frustrating and unhealthy – they’re often an externalised Shadow Dance with your unhealed parts colliding with someone else’s.

Your ego wants to feel chosen, special, and powerful and so when someone withdraws or plays hard to get, it doesn’t repel you. It activates your ego and you go chasing.

But that’s not love – it’s performance.

Eventually, it will just leave you feeling used, small, and resentful because you’re asked to being somebody other than who you are in your realness but real love is about ACCEPTANCE (for yourself and others).

Breaking Free from Drama in Relationships (and the Addiction it Brings)

This isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about waking up and raising AWARENESS of how things actually work. Once you’ve done that you can ACCEPT yourself more and then take ACTION that’s more aligned with something real.

Here are some practical steps to help you reconnect to reality:

1. Name the Pattern

Start journaling your relationship history:

Spot the patterns and try to figure out when you started to confuse drama for love.

Who does the drama of unreal relationships remind you of? Where did you learn to put up with unreal over real?

2. Regulate Your Nervous System

If you’re used to chaos, calm can feel threatening because it’s a threat to your familiar way of identifying (ego).

Start practising breathwork, mindfulness, or somatic work like yin yoga to reset your baseline and realign your brain and your gut.

3. Reclaim Your Power

Stop chasing things that keep running away.

Don’t reach out. Don’t try to make them see your worth. Let the silence speak for itself.

You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and if you think you do then you probably have some unresolved shame to deal with.

4. Get Curious About the Real

Ask yourself what love would look like without the drama:

What does healthy attraction feel like?

Practice being with people who are open and safe even if your initial reaction is to run (make sure they don’t chase you though!).

5. Build Self-Trust

You won’t settle for fragmented crumbs once you believe you deserve a whole feast:

Affirm your worth daily by building aa life that feels good on the inside – not just one that looks good on the outside.

Drama in relationships usually comes by invitation and personal CHOICE.

Final Thoughts – Drama in Relationships? It’s Time to Get Real

Being addicted to drama doesn’t mean you’re broken – it means your heart is looking for something real in unreal places.

The ‘good’ news is that once you start working on healing your relationship with yourself you can start to taste something real and the unreal will lose its hold over you.

When you reach this point, the fireworks might fade a little but what remains is connection:

Safety. Wholeness. Peace.

That’s real and it’s what you’re really looking for.

Stay real out there,

If you want to work on growing real and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free call with me and get moving right away.

Presence: Why You Struggle with Being Present and How to Change It

Published on

Life Philosophy/Men/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Realness, Presence, and Purpose are Deeply Intertwined

The world is not reality which is one of the reasons we find ourselves in an unreal world that idolises the hustle, glorifies busyness, and confuses productivity with true purpose.

The result of all this is that we have generation of men who are rarely – if ever – truly present. In fact, many of them actively fear presence and so they’re constantly running around distracting themselves and trying to escape life by any means necessary (whilst still looking ‘busy’, of course, because ‘busyness’ is one of our core cultural values).

Let that sink in for a moment:

When was the last time you really felt right here, right now?

Not scrolling, not overthinking, not worrying about something, or getting ready to do the next thing on your list whilst you’re currently doing the current thing – just here.

In your body. With your breath. In this moment.

Chances are, it’s been a while and – if you’re like most men – it’s not your fault (though your lack of presence is a CHOICE that you keep making):

You’ve been conditioned away from your natural state of presence and taught to feel, think, do, and even BE something that you’re not.

That sounds a bit dramatic but there’s some good news too: presence is your birth-right and it can’t be taken from you because it’s just you REALNESS (and what’s real is always real).

It’s the secret sauce behind every great life, every true connection, and every meaningful pursuit…and you can reclaim it by starting to shift your focus.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Presence is essential for realness which is vital for mental and physical health.

What Is Presence, Really?

Presence isn’t just sitting cross-legged on a meditation cushion and fingering your bellybutton – nor is it staring blankly at a tree, pretending you’re enlightened.

Real presence is about being with reality as it is – not as your mind filters or manipulates it.

It’s about tasting something WHOLE instead of just the little FRAGMENTS of experience that we identify with and get used to.

Presence isn’t passive.

Presence isn’t bland or empty.

It’s a dynamic stillness that allows you to act without force, speak without fear, and love without condition. It’s when your mind, body, and spirit are all pointing in the same direction and not tearing you away from your real life.

It’s when you’re really ‘here’ in the now and not just lost in your head, your blocked emotions, and your interpretations.

When you’re present, you can actually see and be seen:

You see your partner, your kids, your mates. You hear your the voice of your own REALNESS and feel connected to something whole and true instead of getting lost in a fog of fragmented thoughts.

The opposite of presence is distractions:

An often involuntary (because you’re running on autopilot) where you miss out on your own life because you’re physically there but emotionally and spiritually AWOL.

This distractionism is the default state of the modern man: a ghost in his own skin – haunting his own life in the Void and wondering why everything is so quiet and desperate instead of being filled with colour and glory.

Why Men Struggle with Presence

Presence is our natural state but it’s not our normal state anymore for various reasons (there are probably way more):

1. We’re addicted to doing instead of accepting of our being: From a young age, we’re rewarded for performance over presence: school grades, sports championships, climbing the career ladder, and chasing achievement.

The more we do, the more we feel like we actually are something but this is only because we’re detached from what’s real about us and so we think that we need to ‘achieve’ our realness when all we really need to do is reach out and receive it (and still take REAL ACTION).

Slowing down feels like death to the ego which is why most of us are running around like headless chickens. The irony is that when we do slow down we can see what’s hiding behind the mask of ego and start being who we really are.

2. We’re terrified of stillness because in the stillness we find flow: Stillness can be a confronting experience – especially if we’re a human doing instead of a human being – because, when we stop, we hear the noise inside ourselves and have to face all the things we’ve been trying to distract ourselves from:

The judgements. The shame. The unresolved emotions. The shadow parts.

Presence forces us to feel, and many of us have never been taught how to feel safely and so we keep running. If we don’t feel, though, we can’t allow what’s actually real about us to emerge and so we’ll always be lost to the Void and feel a lack of actual presence in our lives (we’ll be living in a projection instead).

3. Our nervous systems are fried and so our thoughts and actions become erratic: Many of us live in a chronic state of fight-or-flight and so our nervous systems are stuck on overdrive (we have what’s known as Sympathetic Dominance).

In this state, we constantly feel on edge because we experience hypervigilance and overstimulation. We’re constantly scanning for external threats like emails, bills, and social rejection but also internal ‘threat’s like our own emotional ‘stuff’. In this state, presence is nearly impossible because our biology is hijacked and taking us away from reality instead of towards it.

4. The ego hates presence because the ego is unreal: The ego wants control and so it thrives on the past and the future, regret and worry.

On the other hand, presence requires surrender which dismantles the ego’s illusions and reveals the truth: that we’re already whole, loved, and enough because we’re already REAL and what’s real is always real.

What Happens When You’re Not Present?

When you’re not present, you’re living through the lens of a fragmented self (ego) placed between yourself and reality – a bundle of reactions and roles rather than a real, rooted identity.

Here’s what that leads to:

Shallow relationships: People can’t connect with you. You might be charming, charismatic, or whatever but you’re not felt because you’re not there.
Poor decisions: Without presence, you act from fear, habit, or impulse – not truth. You also end up trying to force life because you can’t trust (because your nervous system is screwed up) and so you lose a sense of flow.
Missed opportunities: Life is always offering you something real like a next step, a new opportunity, or a lesson in letting go but if you’re distracted, you won’t see it.
Inner chaos: Without presence, your mind runs wild and you become reactive, anxious, and out of alignment as the Gremlin takes over and pulls you away from yourself, the world, and reality.

The Masculine Power of Presence

Here’s the twist: presence isn’t just a feel-good concept that’s for hippies on park benches – it’s a masculine superpower:

True masculinity isn’t just about dominance or bravado -it’s about groundedness.

Being grounded means that you’re unshakeable enough within yourself and your thoughts and emotions to penetrate reality with clarity and strength…no matter what it throws your way.

Really, this means meeting life on its own terms instead of according to your own judgements or expectations. It’s about embracing that sometimes It is what it is and So be it.

When you’re present like this, you can hold space – for your loved ones, the challenges you’re facing, and your purpose.

Presence is the difference between force and flow:

It’s what lets you lead, love, and build something real without losing yourself in the process (though you’ll probably lose your ego in order to find yourself).

In short, presence is how you face chaos without becoming it.

Remember what Jesus said: “Be IN the world, but not OF the world” – that’s presence: engaged in this world of ours without being entangled in it or ensnared upon its thorns.

Awake but not overwhelmed.

Presence: The Portal to Potential

Presence is also how you unlock your potential because when you’re present, you’re connected to reality.

This is important because reality is the only place where anything ever happens (real always works, after all):

It’s the only place you can create, heal, grow, serve, love, lead or do anything even remotely true.

It’s where your purpose lives and where you’ll find yourself at your best.

When you’re present, your energy is focused, your instincts kick in, and your creativity flows; you stop being ruled by fear and start acting from wisdom.

You become more REAL.

How to Cultivate Presence: The Three Levels

Presence isn’t something you ‘achieve’ once and for all – it’s a practice of constantly tuning in and receiving what’s already and always there (reality).

It’s like a muscle that – like any muscle – strengthens with repetition and care.

Here are three levels of work to start integrating and becoming more present in yourself and your life:

1. Master the Mind

Learn to distinguish between real and unreal thoughts: Use tools like journaling, mindfulness, or the Thought Log (available for free on this site) to expose unreal ego patterns and shift your focus onto something real.
Question the mental noise and keep checking in with yourself: Ask: Is this thought true? Is it helpful? Is it even mine? Is it coming from a real place or from unreal fear and doubt?
Anchor to now with breath: A simple practice: 5 slow breaths through the nose, focusing only on the inhale and exhale. Repeat until you’re regulated (not just relaxed) and then keep going.

2. Regulate the Nervous System

Build awareness of your stress states: Notice when you’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn so that you know when you’re being present or not.
Use somatic tools: Breathwork, cold exposure, movement, or grounding exercises are all good (personally, I think yin yoga is the best practice for nervous system regulation).
Develop daily rituals that signal safety to your body: E.g., slow walks, stretching, silent mornings, etc. Check out the Morning Routine Generator on this site for more ideas: Morning Routine Generator: Pick n Mix Morning Generator for Realness.

3. Live with Purpose

When you’re on a real mission and know you’re vision, presence becomes natural – you’re not floating around wondering what matters. You’re actively engaged in life, riding the reality waves that come you’re way, and moving towards your vision.
Make sure that when you create a vision that it inspires you. It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be real.
Ask yourself: What’s the realest action I can take today that aligns with who I want to become?

Three Practices to Start Today

Let’s make it practical – here are three presence-building habits to integrate from today onwards (if you so desire):

1. Daily Presence Check-In (3 minutes) Set a reminder on your phone, stop what you’re doing, close your eyes. Breathe deeply and ask yourself:

Where am I?
What am I feeling?
Am I ‘here’ now or lost in unreal thoughts?

2. Presence in Conversations Next time someone speaks to you, really listen. Like, really. No interruptions. No fixing. No thinking of what to say next. Just receive them.

Presence is the most powerful gift you can give because it’s REAL.

3. Digital Fasting Choose a daily window (e.g., first hour of the morning or last hour of the evening) to go completely offline. No screens. No stimulation. Just you and life.

These three things are all simple but totally effective – especially over time as the results keep compounding on themselves.

Presence is the key to riding the reality waves and finding wholeness.

Final Thoughts: The Return to Realness

You weren’t born distracted; you weren’t born fragmented – you came into this world fully present, alive, whole, and real.

You can start to return to this state of presence any time you CHOOSE.

Presence isn’t about becoming something new – it’s about remembering who you are underneath all the noise and unlearning the conditioning that keeps you from this.

You don’t need another hack or hustle; you don’t need to do another course or watch another thousand videos about enlightenment. All you need to do is to be here. Now.

That’s where your power lives because it’s where you’ll find your realness.

It’s also where your purpose lives and were you’ll feel most alive.

Stay real out there,

If you’re interested in coaching and you want to develop more presence and purpose in your life, book a free call with me and get started.

The Chase Dynamic: Addicted to Emotional Unavailability

Published on

Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Kill the chase dynamic by replacing them with your own purpose or with somebody who can do the work.

Why People Get Addicted to The Push-Pull Game and Chasing Instead of Replacing

If you’ve ever found yourself entranced by some seemingly ‘perfect’ creature (really, just another human being) who constantly keeps you on your toes and leaves you in a chronic state of uncertainty about where you stand, then this article is for you:

This is something that most of us experience at some stage in our lives – getting sucked into relationships where the emotional highs and lows seem to fuel an addictive rush. We think that all of the excitement, questions, and drama that these emotional rollercoasters bring with them must ‘mean’ something incredible and romantic is taking place but, actually, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Here’s something to make a note of from the get-go:

The ‘chase’ dynamic is not love – it’s a game that unfolds when one ego meets another and calls it ‘love’ (or something similar).

Far from being the raw and real, grounded connection we long for, the ‘chase’ is actually just rooted in an unhealthy dance between egos:

Real love doesn’t hurt (despite what they tell you), but this push-pull cycle sure does, especially when it’s built on emotional unavailability and lingering doubts, questions, and uncertainty (because real love is actually the surest and most stable thing in the world – not that it’s always ‘good’ and often means riding through some ‘bad’ times…not because of games and ego but because of life just being life).

The problem, of course, is that the chase can feel intoxicating and more like a movie than the mundane world we live in tends to be on a daily basis – which is why so many of us get addicted to it:

It’s an emotional rollercoaster with moments of bliss that make you feel alive but the inevitable drop leaves you questioning your worth and the very nature of relationships as a whole.

You may ask yourself, “Why, if this dynamic is so painful, do we keep returning to it? How is it even possible to get addicted to uncertainty and chaos in the first place?“

The answer lies in our deep-seated emotions and conditioning, often stemming from unresolved feelings of shame, fear, and unhealed past wounds.

In this article, we’ll break down why you might be attracted to emotional unavailability, the unhealthy patterns at play in the chase, and how to break free from this cycle to invite real love into your life.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The chase dynamic is what happens when we confuse ego for love.

The Myth of “Love Hurts”

One of the most pervasive myths in modern dating is that “love hurts” – it’s a narrative we’ve been sold in movies, songs, and even through personal experiences that make us believe that pain and passion go hand in hand.

The truth, however is far simpler:

Real love doesn’t hurt at all (what does hurt is infatuation and it’s inevitable aftermath).

Love – true, unconditional love – is grounded in safety, trust, and emotional security; it doesn’t leave you on edge, wondering when the next emotional whirlwind will hit – instead, it nurtures, supports, and allows both partners to grow in their own way without constant fear or uncertainty of what might happen next (in the context of the relationship).

So, why does it hurt then?

The pain isn’t love itself but the result of what happens when we confuse love with the chase dynamic – a toxic push-pull that happens when two egos collide and infatuation brought into the mix:

When our egos get involved, we get attached to the thrill of the chase, the excitement of trying to win someone’s affection, or the fear of losing control. These dynamics are driven by insecurity, often stemming from deeper emotional issues like shame or abandonment fears.

The more emotionally unavailable the person is, the more we’re drawn to them because the ego has a scarcity mindset and believes that having things that seem to be ‘scarce’ somehow make us more valuable (a way of compensating for our shame and outsourcing our self-worth to outcomes).

Falling under the spell of the ego like this, we start to crave the validation that whoever (or whatever, for that matter) we’re chasing withholds, and before we know it, we’ve become emotionally hooked on the chase itself.

The problem here is that this cycle of uncertainty and unpredictability is not a sign of love – it’s a sign of emotional manipulation, miscommunication, and avoidance of real intimacy.

When it comes to the real deal, you don’t need to ‘chase’ it because what’s real is always real and will just ‘be’ in your life (if you’re real enough to receive it).

The Push-Pull: Ego Meets Ego

The chase dynamic begins when two egos interact – not two real human beings connecting on a deep, authentic level. When egos meet, they create tension n order to uphold the illusions that they’re founded upon – this means that there’s a desire to control, a need to feel validated, and an underlying fear of vulnerability.

Here’s the thing, though: egos are fragile because they’re totally unreal and so they’re built on the need for approval and external validation.

This is where the push-pull of the chase dynamic comes into play:

One person pulls away, creating emotional distance, while the other chases, trying to bridge the gap (normally after having had at least a taste of closeness).

The emotional unavailability makes the chase feel thrilling, but – in reality – it’s a game of power and control…one where the winner is rarely the person who’s looking for the genuine emotional connection of realness.

At its core, the chase dynamic is driven by two people’s fear of true intimacy:

Both participants are trapped in the story of wanting validation and attention without the vulnerability that comes with real connection. The chase becomes a way to avoid confronting deeper fears of rejection or inadequacy and so the relationship becomes about winning affection, not about sharing a meaningful bond.

The Cycle: Why You Keep Chasing Emotional Unavailability

Why do we continue to chase emotionally unavailable people?

It’s easy to think that we’re doing it because we’re “in love” but it often has less to do with love and more to do with unresolved issues from our past that cause us to become infatuated as a kind of distraction from this unresolved ‘stuff’.

The chase becomes a distraction, a way to feel important, wanted, and validated, even if it’s temporary (because this temporary feeling gives a release from the tension of being unreal with oneself).

At a deeper level, people who are emotionally unavailable often trigger something within us – usually some form of unmet need, fear, or insecurity:

This could be rooted in childhood, where you may not have received the emotional validation or consistency you needed – for example, maybe you were neglected or learned to suppress your emotions and so, as an adult, you’re unconsciously seeking out relationships that mirror this early dynamic, hoping to prove to yourself that you can fix what was broken. The only problem is, you can’t ‘fix’ what isn’t real or emotionally available to begin with.

Furthermore, there’s an addictive element to this dynamic:

The highs and lows – the moments of warmth followed by emotional withdrawal – become a kind of emotional rollercoaster and so your brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, during the brief moments of connection which then drops when the person withdraws, creating an intense craving for the next hit.

This cycle is often mistaken for genuine love but it’s actually an emotional addiction.

The Chase Dynamic: More Than Just a Game—It’s an Addiction

It might sound dramatic to say that the chase dynamic is addictive, but it’s actually supported by science:

The highs and lows of emotionally unavailable relationships don’t just feel exhilarating – they trigger a very real, biochemical response in your brain that keeps you literally CRAVING more and losing control of your mastery over yourself (in most cases).

When you experience moments of connection in a chase dynamic, your brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that’s associated with pleasure and reward:

This “feel-good” chemical is responsible for creating that euphoric rush when someone shows you attention or affection, and it’s why you may feel an instant high when the emotionally distant person finally lets their guard down and lives up to the image that probably got you ‘hooked ‘in the first place.

You’re literally getting a hit of dopamine from this person, which your brain remembers and craves…Unfortunately, this means that the moment they pull away, that dopamine high crashes.

Instead of walking away, your brain keeps craving that next high and you fall into the trap of thinking things like: “If I can just get them to care about me again, I’ll feel better” (which just sends you on a wild goose chase and back into the push-pull dynamic of the chase dynamic).

This cycle of emotional withdrawal and intermittent rewards is very similar to how addictive behaviours work. The unpredictability of when you’ll get the next ‘hit’ keeps you hooked – chasing the next bit of affection like a literal drug.

Cortisol, the stress hormone, also plays a role here:

When someone withholds affection or creates emotional distance, it triggers feelings of anxiety and insecurity. This stress response can make the moments of affection or validation feel even more rewarding because your brain associates relief from that stress with the rewarding rush of dopamine.

Getting caught up in these endless cycles of tension and release is what causes people to waste years of their lives in these addicted dynamics.

In short, the chase dynamic in relationships is not just about emotional games (though that’s definitely part of it) – it’s an actual chemical rollercoaster. Your brain gets addicted to the highs of attention and the low, often painful withdrawal, which creates a toxic cycle that keeps you coming back for more, even when it’s unhealthy.

(If you’ve ever been ‘stuck’ in a relationship with somebody you ‘love’ but know is totally incompatible with you then this is why).

Understanding this biochemical process is key to breaking free from the addiction:

Once you realise that you’re not in control of your emotions in these situations – that your brain is literally addicted to the chase – you can start to take steps to regulate your nervous system and behaviour, resist the pull of the cycle, and move towards healthier, more balanced relationships that are actually REAL.

You may feel a sense of validation when you’re able to ‘win’ the affection of someone emotionally distant, but the reality is that you’re investing in a fantasy that gives you an ego boost (usually a ‘saviour complex’, in this case).

You’re not connecting with the person; you’re connecting with the idea of what they could be if they just showed up emotionally and this idea is usually just a projection of what you need to see – not what’s actually there – because of your own emotional ‘stuff’.

Red Flags: How To Spot the Chase Dynamic

Recognising the chase dynamic is the first step in breaking free from it.

Here are some red flags that show up as symptoms (though the core problem is your own shame and how it keeps you thinking you deserve this kind of relationship):

Emotional Unavailability: The person constantly pulls away, disappears for days, or gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never enough to make you feel secure. They rarely open up or show vulnerability (though they often expect you to) and the relationship feels more like a game – or even babysitting – than a partnership.
Love Bombing: Initially, they may overwhelm you with affection, attention, and promises of a future together (future faking). This is often a tactic used to reel you in and get you hooked – making you feel special and desired before they withdraw, leaving you chasing after the affection you once had.
Gaslighting: When you try to talk about your needs or express concerns, they deflect, deny, or make you feel like you’re overreacting. They make you question your reality, leaving you unsure of where you stand. This just puts you in a position of weakness where you feel that you need to keep chasing to keep the ‘love’ going (when real love just goes anyway).
The Chase Itself: There’s a constant push-pull in the relationship and you feel like you’re always trying to ‘win’ their affection. When you finally get close, they retreat again. This creates an addictive cycle where you’re always trying to gain their approval but you never really feel secure or safe in the relationship (because it’s about ego, not love).
Avoiding Real Intimacy: They avoid deep conversations and when you try to talk about emotions or the future, they change the subject or make light of the conversation. They may even make fun of your desire for a real connection, framing it as “too needy” or “too much too soon” (not because you’re doing anything wrong but talking in a real way will threaten the mask/ego they’re locked behind).

Real Love is Stable: Breaking the Chase Cycle

Here’s the truth: real love doesn’t involve drama – it’s steady, secure, and based on mutual respect and emotional availability.

Here are some practical tips for taking real action if you find yourself stuck in the chase dynamic we’ve explored in this article:

Acknowledge Your Patterns: The first step is to become aware of your own tendency to chase and what’s going on in your relationship with yourself that makes you think you need to tolerate this in relationships with others.

Reflect on your past relationships and identify if this push-pull dynamic has been a recurring theme – understanding your own patterns will empower you to make healthier choices moving forward.
Heal Your Inner Wounds: Often, the chase dynamic is rooted in unresolved emotional issues, such as fear of abandonment or feelings of inadequacy and shame. Take the time to heal these wounds by working on unconditional self-acceptance, working with a coach that specialises in these things (book a free call with me here if you’re interested in coaching), or journaling about your past experiences and letting go of anything unreal you’re holding onto.
Set Boundaries: Learn to recognise when someone is emotionally unavailable and set clear boundaries. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into a cycle of uncertainty and remember that you deserve a relationship built on stability, trust, and emotional availability.
Focus on Healthy Communication: Cultivate relationships where open and honest communication is a priority by learning to express your needs and desires clearly and directly. Give in a real way and expect the same from your partner.
Don’t Chase Validation: Stop looking for external validation through the chase dynamic.

Instead, work on building your own self-worth and confidence because when you feel whole on your own, you won’t feel the need to chase someone who is emotionally distant.
Trust in Stability: Real love thrives on stability – don’t settle for chaos or emotional drama. Trust that a secure, balanced relationship will feel calm and grounded, rather than like a constant emotional rollercoaster. Anything else is unreal in some way (this doesn’t mean things will always be ‘perfect’, though).

The chase dynamic ends when you dissolve shame and know your own value.

Conclusion: Don’t Chase ‘Em, Replace ‘Em

The chase dynamic in modern relationships is a trap many fall into – especially when we mistake emotional turbulence for genuine love.

Real love is not about chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable – it’s about finding someone who is willing to meet you at the same level of emotional availability, openness, and vulnerability.

If you’re with somebody that can’t give you these ‘basics’ then stop chasing them and replace them: even with your own purpose, somebody who’s done the work and can start being real with you, or both.

Stay real out there,

If you want to work on growing real and you’re interested in coaching then book a free call with me to start taking real action.

Psychology - Page 2

Mindset Will Take You Far but Your Heartset Will Make You REAL

Table of Contents

Mindset is a Tool, Not the Master

Heartset is the Real You (It’s Your REALNESS)

Qualities of a Real Heartset

1. Openness

2. Curiosity

3. Love

4. Creativity

5. Trust

6. Compassion

7. Abundance

Avoiding the Void

How To Develop Your Heartset (Practical Tools)

1. Daily Stillness Practice

2. Heart-Check Journalling

3. Act from Wholeness, Not Fragmentation

4. Use the ‘REALNESS’ Lens

5. Surround Yourself with Real Ones

6. Stretch Your Trust Muscle

7. Return to the Lake Daily

Conclusion: Mindset Will Take You Far but Heartset Will Take You All the Way

How to Create Your Own Practical Philosophy and Code of Conduct

What We’ll Cover in This Article

Why Philosophy Matters More Than Ever

Making Philosophy Practical

Trust in Something Higher

A Path from Fragmentation to Wholeness

Questions to Build Your Philosophy

Uncover and Live the Truth (At Every Level)

Break Free from Two Major Enemies of Truth: Social Programming and Biological Wiring

Writing Your Code of Conduct

Your Code of Conduct = Philosophy in Action

Example Code (5 simple points):

Conclusion: Your Practical Philosophy Leads to A Real Life

Non-duality and Real Growth: Letting Go and Staying in the Flow

What We Cover in This Article

What Is Non-Duality and Why Does It Matter?

So… What Is the Ego Then?

The Trap of the Spiritual Bypass

Realness: A Path Through the Middle and into Non-Duality

Non-Duality Isn’t Passivity – It’s Power

From Vision to Wholeness: Non-Duality Made Actionable

The Discipline of Presence

Practical Integration: A Roadmap for Non-Duality and Realness

1. Daily Awareness Practice

2. Shadow Work Journal

3. Choose Real Goals

4. Create Flow Habits

5. Commit to the Dance

Final Word: Truth Dissolves Ego and Non-Duality is Reality

The Only Barrier to Real Intimacy is Shame but Lingering Shame is Always Unreal

Shame: Disconnection From the Truth

The Illusion That Keeps Shame Alive: Judgement

Two Types of People: Shame-Driven vs Shame-Dissolving

Why Most Relationships Feel Shallow

Practical Signs You’re Still Letting Shame and Ego Run the Show

How To Actually Build Real Intimacy (Without Forcing It)

Final Thoughts

The Entrepreneur Mindset Can Change Your Life…No Matter Who You Are

What We Cover in This Article

What If You Were Never Meant to Be a Cog?

A Tale of Two Mindsets: Employee vs. Entrepreneur

You Don’t Need to Quit Your Job – You Need to Flip the Script

The Death Grip of Comfort

Start Being an Entrepreneur Now. Wherever You Are.

Action is the Cure for Everything

Practical Steps to Cultivate the Entrepreneurial Mindset

Final Word: Realness of Spirit

How the Fragmentation of the Self May Lead to Issues in Later Life

The Psyche’s Escape Hatch

When the Body Becomes a Prison

The Real Risk: Refusing to Change

REALNESS as Preventative Soul Care

1. Awareness

2. Acceptance

3. Action

Practical Ways to Stay Whole and Avoid Unnecessary Fragmentation

1. Practice Daily Reality Check-Ins