by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

To some people reading this the title of this article is going to at the very least raise a few eyebrows (depending on how many you have) and – in the more extreme cases – make people mutter something negative under their breath and probably insult me in some way.

Some of us are so used to worrying about things that it just seems like an inevitable and unchanging reality.  Saying that you can live without worry to people locked in their heads like that is like saying that water isn’t wet, or the sky is green, and that Wednesday is the day after Sunday: it breaks their whole understanding of reality.

Let me tell you right now, though: it’s possible for you to train yourself to live without worrying. I’ve basically done it myself and I’ve seen some of my clients do it and seen the impact it’s had on their lives.

If that sounds like nonsense then – please, just for a minute – give me the benefit of the doubt and just play with the idea that it’s possible.

Assume for the duration of this article that you can be so present in what’s actually happening right now that all of that ‘stuff’ you worry about – which is always sourced in two things you have no control over right now – the past or the future – has no bearing on you in the NOW.

Don’t worry – this isn’t just another an article about being ‘present’ (though that comes into it) but – as you’re reading this – just bask in the feeling of being OKAY (I’m assuming that if you’re reading this you’re in a semi-relaxed environment and you’ve got some time to just be with yourself).

If you can train yourself to LET your worries GO for the duration it takes you to read this article then you can trust yourself to let go of them for longer and longer periods until eventually…you’ll see that they have NO power over you (unless you let them).

Let’s quickly look at how I ended up in this place and how you can do the same if that’s what you’re working on in your own life:

Problems vs. Solutions

When I was younger I used to worry about everything – actually, I used to worry so much that it made me sick. I’d worry about the things I ‘should’ do, I’d worry about the things I’d already done, the things I might do or that might happen to me, etc. etc. – in short, it never ended.

It was a never ending cycle of creating problems in my head and then giving myself more problems to worry about.

We don’t need to go into why I used to worry so much – actually, nobody really needs to spend that much time going over the origins of their negative feelings and thoughts and what they mean or where they came from.

I’ve seen people get lost in years and years of talking therapy – going over their problems, trying to make ‘sense’ of them with the mind that was created by these problems in the first place.

In my opinion and experience, such activities are mainly a complete waste of time (sorry, therapists and people addicted to talking therapy).

Yeah, it might be useful to say that it’s all because of how Mummy and Daddy treated you or because your primary school teacher didn’t like your art work or whatever but all of that analysis just leads to a narrative that makes ‘sense’ but might be wrong anyway.

It’s just a guess  – an attempt to find an interpretation that justifies where you currently are but don’t wanna be (otherwise you wouldn’t be getting talking therapy anyway). All it really does is give you a new narrative to hold onto and the more you hold onto it the more you focus on the problem instead of moving towards a solution.

You know what happens when you keep focusing on your problems?

Yeah, you keep getting the same problems. Weird how that works.

Personally, I’ve found that instead of delving into the past and pulling up things that should stay buried all you really need to know is a simple rule of life:

If you feel ‘bad’ then you need to change something so you can feel ‘good’.

(I could write a whole article about why the ego might resist such a statement but let’s save that for now).

If you’ve reached the stage where you’ve noticed that you’re worrying all the time then you already know enough: you’ve become AWARE that you have a problem and so you know that you need to change something.

Going down the rabbit hole and talking about how you ended up with this problem isn’t really going to help you – actually, it can even make you feel worse because you’re probably just gonna DRAG UP all kinds of miserable things from your past that are just gonna make you feel whatever you felt then.

If you know that you worry too much, don’t waste your time asking why you worry (as we said, you might come up with some theories but you’ll never know for sure anyway) – instead, ask yourself what you can start ACCEPTING and DOING in order to let go of the negative thoughts that are causing you to worry and then work on that.

Do you see what I’m saying? You can waste months or years asking questions about the current situation or you can start changing it.

I never had therapy or any of that stuff despite being a chronic worrier back in my youth… Obviously, that doesn’t mean this will work for everybody but I’ve seen it work with everybody I’ve worked on this stuff with and it’s really a very human and real way to do things.

I’m gonna give you some practical things you can do that are a bit more conventional but before we do let’s quickly remind ourselves why worrying is completely irrational anyway.

The pointlessness of worrying about things.

I always think that worrying is a waste of time for two reasons – it mainly boils down to this:

1. If you have a problem and you come up with a solution then you’ll take it. Therefore, worrying is pointless.
2. If you genuinely can’t find a solution, then you’ve just hit upon an inevitable thing about reality that can’t be changed. Therefore, worrying is pointless because you can only accept these kinda things (for example, the fact that we’re gonna be dead is not worth worrying about – not that anything is).

There really the only two options: you either come up with a possible solution and then do whatever that is or you accept something that can’t be changed. As these are the only two things you can really do then worrying is redundant.

If you keep worrying and going round in the hamster wheel of the same old thoughts then you don’t have a problem, you have an IDENTITY issue and there’s something UNREAL going on in your head.

In other words, you want to be stuck in your current ‘problematic’ version of reality so that you can keep your ego in place (but let’s not get onto all that).

Here are some other reasons why worrying is a waste of time:

1. Worrying doesn’t change the outcome: No matter how much you worry, it doesn’t change the outcome of the situation because it keeps you in your head and not in reality (where outcomes are changed). Worrying only wastes your time and energy by keeping you in the same place.
2. Worrying causes stress: Worrying causes stress, and chronic stress can lead to a variety of health problems, including anxiety, depression, and heart disease. These things obviously all serve to make whatever problems you perceive worse and ruin your experience of life as a whole.
3. Worrying doesn’t solve the problem: Worrying doesn’t solve the problem; it only makes it worse. This is because – like we said – if you only focus on the problem that’s all you’re going to keep getting (whether that focus involves ‘thinking’ or ‘talking’ about it).
4. Worrying affects your ability to make decisions: When you’re worried, it’s hard to think clearly and make good decisions. Instead, you’re more likely to make impulsive or irrational decisions which will lead to more problems down the line.  You need a CLEAR MIND to be able to make the decisions that will allow you to move forward in the way that you want to and so worrying just ruins things.
5. Worrying creates a negative mindset: Worrying can lead to negative thinking, which can affect your mood and overall outlook on life. It can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where you expect the worst and only see the negative in situations.This is because “we don’t see the world as it is but as we are” – if you filter everything through negativity then the world will literally reflect this back at you. This will just open a NEGATIVE SPIRAL until you wake up and get in touch with your realness again.
6. Worrying distracts you from the present moment: Like we said, worrying takes you out of the present moment and causes you to focus on the past or the future. This can prevent you from enjoying the present and can make you miss out on opportunities. In other words, by worrying you actually miss the AMAZING life that’s right there in front of you and stop yourself living the life you want to really be living.

I hope all of this helps you see that worrying is pointless – it is completely unreal and literally adds no tangible benefit to your life. If anything, it takes you OUT of life and keeps you in your head and ego alone.

The feeling of realness.

So, okay, we’re kind of waking up to the idea of worrying being totally useless but so what? How can we actually start doing something about whatever worrying tendencies we have?

I’m gonna share a few things that have worked for me (most of which you’ve probably heard about before because they WORK but if you worry too much I can guarantee you haven’t seriously ACTED on them) but I also want to tell you what all of these things help you find in yourself:

A feeling of realness.

If you’ve read stuff on this site before or you’ve seen my books and videos or whatever then you’ll know that most of my work is about REALNESS.

A really simple definition of what this means is just the feeling of WHOLENESS you get when you can calm down and relax into yourself with unconditional acceptance.

That means you’re not judging yourself, you’re not thinking or holding back and hesitating; you’re just AWARE of the life that flows through you naturally and you’re ACCEPTING and ACTING on it (Awareness, Acceptance, and Action work every time).

Actually, this feeling of REALNESS is your natural state and it’s there ALL THE TIME.

The problem is that it gets clouded with all of our thoughts, worries, and judgements and so we distort and disconnect from this natural feeling.

Luckily, because it’s REAL, this natural feeling never goes anywhere – even if you’ve detached yourself from it for any amount of time – and you can feel it pretty much any time you like.

Of course, if you haven’t felt it for a while, you might have to train yourself to MANAGE your mind a little better so you can get back in touch with it but – because it’s real – the good news is ALL OF US can feel this feeling with no exceptions.

My theory is that people who worry too much have either never felt this feeling for some sad reason or they haven’t felt it for a looong time and they think they’ll never feel it again (these people usually think that worrying is just how they’re supposed to feel).

Of course, feeling this feeling of realness doesn’t mean that you’re never gonna have obstacles or challenges arise in your life again or that you’ll never have a ‘bad’ day…

It just means when these things inevitably do happen, you’ll be able to view them from a perspective where things are moving and flowing and where you can handle them instead of thinking problems last forever and there’s nothing you can do.

If you haven’t felt this FEELING OF REALNESS then the best way I can describe it is as a ‘peaceful buzz’.

When you feel it, you feel completely at peace because you’re connected to wholeness but you also feel the buzz of being fully alive and having all the energy that naturally flows through you at your disposal.

Probably, you will have had experiences of this at some stage in your life… This feeling is the REAL YOU.

You’re not the labels you attach to yourself (your job, income, marital status, mental health issues, etc. etc.) – you’re this feeling.

When you know this is your true identity you won’t worry as much because you’ll just know that ‘worrying’ means you’ve allowed your thoughts to take you away from this feeling.

It’s not complicated to feel this feeling. Like I said, it’s your NATURAL state and any of us can feel it… If you haven’t felt it in a while (which means you probably worry a lot now) then you need to get back in touch with it.

The ‘easiest’ way is to give yourself some daily time to RELAX and to step back from all of the mental tension and BS you might have picked up.

If you worry a lot, this will be hard at first as you’re attached to and identified with your thoughts but with enough TRAINING you will step back and your thoughts won’t block the feeling of realness.

Obviously, just reading these words isn’t going to help you feel this feeling of realness (though it might help you remember it).

What I want you to do is give yourself FIFTEEN MINUTES A DAY to sit and meditate.

People make meditation complicated but all it means is you sit down and focus on your breath (breathe through your nose).

Commit to doing this until you get the results we’re talking about – feeling the feeling of realness – don’t be attached to feeling it (that will cause you to worry). Just set an intention and you’ll get there in your own time.

This requires some TRUST in the process so just know you will get there (you might have to be like the ‘Baby on the bridge’ I talked about in this article).

The feeling of realness is so important because it will show you that all of those irrational reasons we gave above for worrying are actually just feelings of UNREALNESS.

When you know that and you have the feeling of realness as a reference point it’s easier to shift back to a real gear and get in the creative flow of solving problems instead of focusing on them and making them grow.

It might take you MONTHS to taste that feeling of realness but it is there for all of us because we’re all real.

DON’T GIVE UP BECAUSE YOU WILL DEFINITELY GET THERE!

(Sorry for shouting!)

Other ways into the feeling of realness.

All you really need to do is sit down, close your eyes, and ‘meditate’ until you feel that peaceful buzz from the feeling of realness.

Once you’ve done that you can take that feeling into the rest of your life and be better equipped to step back when your thoughts make you feel unreal.

Here are some other things you can do that will take you to the same place – the whole point in all of these is that being able to feel the feeling of realness will allow you to ride with reality instead of against it when you are dealing with uncertainty etc. (which is what causes people to worry in the first place).

1. Meditation: Just to repeat, meditation is a spiritual practice that involves focusing your attention on the present moment and cultivating a sense of inner calm and clarity.It can help you let go of negative thoughts and emotions and develop a more positive outlook on life by showing the feeling of realness.
2. Yoga: Yoga is a physical and spiritual practice that combines physical postures, breathwork, and meditation. It can help you reduce stress and anxiety, improve your mood, and cultivate a sense of inner peace and well-being.Yoga allows you to get in your body (so you’re out of your head) and helps you raise AWARENESS of the feeling of realness and the peaceful buzz that is always with you.If you’ve never tried yoga, this video with Bryan Kest is an amazing starting point (it’s from the 90s but the yoga flow itself is incredible – this is Level 1 but there are 3, all on YT):

Bryan Kest – Power Yoga Level 1

1. Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present in the moment and accepting your thoughts and feelings without judgment.It can help you let go of negative thoughts and develop greater self-awareness and compassion. Being mindful is vital for riding the reality waves and riding through uncertainty and challenges in life without adding the extra friction from worrying.
2. Prayer: Prayer is a spiritual practice that involves communicating with a higher power or divine force. It can help you let go of negative thoughts and emotions and connect with a sense of inner peace and guidance.Personally, I don’t really pray but I think it offers value in helping you see that there is something BIGGER than just our own ideas about ourselves.Most worry comes from thinking it’s all up to us and forcing things through ego but actually – whether you believe in God or not – it’s never just up to ‘You’ because too many variables affect the unfolding of our lives. Training yourself not to worry is ultimately about getting out of your head and into REALITY.
3. Gratitude: Ultimately, when we worry about everything we are not being grateful for the blessings and amazing things we already have in our lives. This just opens up a negative spiral and things will keep getting worse because we are not perceiving life in a real way (if we’re not grateful we’re JUDGING and judgement is never real because all you can do with reality is ACCEPT it).

If you can work to be grateful for the things in your life that are unfolding then you put less resistance between you and life itself. This is when things will start working in your favour and you can actually get the results you want.

1. Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the practice of letting go of resentment and anger toward yourself or others. It can help you let go of negative thoughts and emotions and cultivate a sense of inner peace and healing.When we don’t forgive ourselves or others for the things we’ve been through then we just end up filtering everything through negative thoughts and stopping ourselves growing real or being in touch with that feeling of realness.

A final thing that can help you letting go of negative thoughts and worry is the Sedona Method (from the book of the same name).

Here’s a definition I found that sums it up:

“Identify the negative thought: The first step is to identify the negative thought that you want to release. Take a moment to focus on the thought and how it makes you feel.

Ask yourself three questions: Ask yourself the following questions in relation to the negative thought:

Could I let it go?

    Would I let it go?

    When?

Answering these questions can help you shift your focus away from the negative thought and toward letting it go.

Release the negative thought: Once you’ve answered the questions, take a deep breath and release the negative thought. Visualize it leaving your body and mind, and imagine yourself feeling lighter and freer without it.”

You will always find that you can CHOOSE to let these negative thoughts go.

Every time you let these negative thoughts or worries go you just end up back in the same place (or taking steps towards it): the feeling of realness.

This is why whatever method you use you should keep in mind that your end goal is the same: the cultivation of the FEELING OF REALNESS so you can take it into your day-to-day life and ride through life with more clarity.

I’ll write some more about this in the future but hopefully that’s enough to get started.

If you’ve found yourself less worried as you’ve spent time on this then that’s proof that you can train yourself to worry for increasingly longer periods of time.

Just remember that the feeling of realness is the real you and the more time you spend feeling it the less you will worry in life.

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If this inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

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