by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Realness, Presence, and Purpose are Deeply Intertwined
The world is not reality which is one of the reasons we find ourselves in an unreal world that idolises the hustle, glorifies busyness, and confuses productivity with true purpose.
The result of all this is that we have generation of men who are rarely – if ever – truly present. In fact, many of them actively fear presence and so they’re constantly running around distracting themselves and trying to escape life by any means necessary (whilst still looking ‘busy’, of course, because ‘busyness’ is one of our core cultural values).
Let that sink in for a moment:
When was the last time you really felt right here, right now?
Not scrolling, not overthinking, not worrying about something, or getting ready to do the next thing on your list whilst you’re currently doing the current thing – just here.
In your body. With your breath. In this moment.
Chances are, it’s been a while and – if you’re like most men – it’s not your fault (though your lack of presence is a CHOICE that you keep making):
You’ve been conditioned away from your natural state of presence and taught to feel, think, do, and even BE something that you’re not.
That sounds a bit dramatic but there’s some good news too: presence is your birth-right and it can’t be taken from you because it’s just you REALNESS (and what’s real is always real).
It’s the secret sauce behind every great life, every true connection, and every meaningful pursuit…and you can reclaim it by starting to shift your focus.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
What Is Presence, Really?
Presence isn’t just sitting cross-legged on a meditation cushion and fingering your bellybutton – nor is it staring blankly at a tree, pretending you’re enlightened.
Real presence is about being with reality as it is – not as your mind filters or manipulates it.
It’s about tasting something WHOLE instead of just the little FRAGMENTS of experience that we identify with and get used to.
Presence isn’t passive.
Presence isn’t bland or empty.
It’s a dynamic stillness that allows you to act without force, speak without fear, and love without condition. It’s when your mind, body, and spirit are all pointing in the same direction and not tearing you away from your real life.
It’s when you’re really ‘here’ in the now and not just lost in your head, your blocked emotions, and your interpretations.
When you’re present, you can actually see and be seen:
You see your partner, your kids, your mates. You hear your the voice of your own REALNESS and feel connected to something whole and true instead of getting lost in a fog of fragmented thoughts.
The opposite of presence is distractions:
An often involuntary (because you’re running on autopilot) where you miss out on your own life because you’re physically there but emotionally and spiritually AWOL.
This distractionism is the default state of the modern man: a ghost in his own skin – haunting his own life in the Void and wondering why everything is so quiet and desperate instead of being filled with colour and glory.
Why Men Struggle with Presence
Presence is our natural state but it’s not our normal state anymore for various reasons (there are probably way more):
1. We’re addicted to doing instead of accepting of our being: From a young age, we’re rewarded for performance over presence: school grades, sports championships, climbing the career ladder, and chasing achievement.
The more we do, the more we feel like we actually are something but this is only because we’re detached from what’s real about us and so we think that we need to ‘achieve’ our realness when all we really need to do is reach out and receive it (and still take REAL ACTION).
Slowing down feels like death to the ego which is why most of us are running around like headless chickens. The irony is that when we do slow down we can see what’s hiding behind the mask of ego and start being who we really are.
2. We’re terrified of stillness because in the stillness we find flow: Stillness can be a confronting experience – especially if we’re a human doing instead of a human being – because, when we stop, we hear the noise inside ourselves and have to face all the things we’ve been trying to distract ourselves from:
The judgements. The shame. The unresolved emotions. The shadow parts.
Presence forces us to feel, and many of us have never been taught how to feel safely and so we keep running. If we don’t feel, though, we can’t allow what’s actually real about us to emerge and so we’ll always be lost to the Void and feel a lack of actual presence in our lives (we’ll be living in a projection instead).
3. Our nervous systems are fried and so our thoughts and actions become erratic: Many of us live in a chronic state of fight-or-flight and so our nervous systems are stuck on overdrive (we have what’s known as Sympathetic Dominance).
In this state, we constantly feel on edge because we experience hypervigilance and overstimulation. We’re constantly scanning for external threats like emails, bills, and social rejection but also internal ‘threat’s like our own emotional ‘stuff’. In this state, presence is nearly impossible because our biology is hijacked and taking us away from reality instead of towards it.
4. The ego hates presence because the ego is unreal: The ego wants control and so it thrives on the past and the future, regret and worry.
On the other hand, presence requires surrender which dismantles the ego’s illusions and reveals the truth: that we’re already whole, loved, and enough because we’re already REAL and what’s real is always real.
What Happens When You’re Not Present?
When you’re not present, you’re living through the lens of a fragmented self (ego) placed between yourself and reality – a bundle of reactions and roles rather than a real, rooted identity.
Here’s what that leads to:
- Shallow relationships: People can’t connect with you. You might be charming, charismatic, or whatever but you’re not felt because you’re not there.
- Poor decisions: Without presence, you act from fear, habit, or impulse – not truth. You also end up trying to force life because you can’t trust (because your nervous system is screwed up) and so you lose a sense of flow.
- Missed opportunities: Life is always offering you something real like a next step, a new opportunity, or a lesson in letting go but if you’re distracted, you won’t see it.
- Inner chaos: Without presence, your mind runs wild and you become reactive, anxious, and out of alignment as the Gremlin takes over and pulls you away from yourself, the world, and reality.
The Masculine Power of Presence
Here’s the twist: presence isn’t just a feel-good concept that’s for hippies on park benches – it’s a masculine superpower:
True masculinity isn’t just about dominance or bravado -it’s about groundedness.
Being grounded means that you’re unshakeable enough within yourself and your thoughts and emotions to penetrate reality with clarity and strength…no matter what it throws your way.
Really, this means meeting life on its own terms instead of according to your own judgements or expectations. It’s about embracing that sometimes It is what it is and So be it.
When you’re present like this, you can hold space – for your loved ones, the challenges you’re facing, and your purpose.
Presence is the difference between force and flow:
It’s what lets you lead, love, and build something real without losing yourself in the process (though you’ll probably lose your ego in order to find yourself).
In short, presence is how you face chaos without becoming it.
Remember what Jesus said: “Be IN the world, but not OF the world” – that’s presence: engaged in this world of ours without being entangled in it or ensnared upon its thorns.
Awake but not overwhelmed.
Presence: The Portal to Potential
Presence is also how you unlock your potential because when you’re present, you’re connected to reality.
This is important because reality is the only place where anything ever happens (real always works, after all):
It’s the only place you can create, heal, grow, serve, love, lead or do anything even remotely true.
It’s where your purpose lives and where you’ll find yourself at your best.
When you’re present, your energy is focused, your instincts kick in, and your creativity flows; you stop being ruled by fear and start acting from wisdom.
You become more REAL.
How to Cultivate Presence: The Three Levels
Presence isn’t something you ‘achieve’ once and for all – it’s a practice of constantly tuning in and receiving what’s already and always there (reality).
It’s like a muscle that – like any muscle – strengthens with repetition and care.
Here are three levels of work to start integrating and becoming more present in yourself and your life:
1. Master the Mind
- Learn to distinguish between real and unreal thoughts: Use tools like journaling, mindfulness, or the Thought Log (available for free on this site) to expose unreal ego patterns and shift your focus onto something real.
- Question the mental noise and keep checking in with yourself: Ask: Is this thought true? Is it helpful? Is it even mine? Is it coming from a real place or from unreal fear and doubt?
- Anchor to now with breath: A simple practice: 5 slow breaths through the nose, focusing only on the inhale and exhale. Repeat until you’re regulated (not just relaxed) and then keep going.
2. Regulate the Nervous System
- Build awareness of your stress states: Notice when you’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn so that you know when you’re being present or not.
- Use somatic tools: Breathwork, cold exposure, movement, or grounding exercises are all good (personally, I think yin yoga is the best practice for nervous system regulation).
- Develop daily rituals that signal safety to your body: E.g., slow walks, stretching, silent mornings, etc. Check out the Morning Routine Generator on this site for more ideas: Morning Routine Generator: Pick n Mix Morning Generator for Realness.
3. Live with Purpose
- When you’re on a real mission and know you’re vision, presence becomes natural – you’re not floating around wondering what matters. You’re actively engaged in life, riding the reality waves that come you’re way, and moving towards your vision.
- Make sure that when you create a vision that it inspires you. It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be real.
- Ask yourself: What’s the realest action I can take today that aligns with who I want to become?
Three Practices to Start Today
Let’s make it practical – here are three presence-building habits to integrate from today onwards (if you so desire):
1. Daily Presence Check-In (3 minutes) Set a reminder on your phone, stop what you’re doing, close your eyes. Breathe deeply and ask yourself:
- Where am I?
- What am I feeling?
- Am I ‘here’ now or lost in unreal thoughts?
2. Presence in Conversations Next time someone speaks to you, really listen. Like, really. No interruptions. No fixing. No thinking of what to say next. Just receive them.
Presence is the most powerful gift you can give because it’s REAL.
3. Digital Fasting Choose a daily window (e.g., first hour of the morning or last hour of the evening) to go completely offline. No screens. No stimulation. Just you and life.
These three things are all simple but totally effective – especially over time as the results keep compounding on themselves.
Final Thoughts: The Return to Realness
You weren’t born distracted; you weren’t born fragmented – you came into this world fully present, alive, whole, and real.
You can start to return to this state of presence any time you CHOOSE.
Presence isn’t about becoming something new – it’s about remembering who you are underneath all the noise and unlearning the conditioning that keeps you from this.
You don’t need another hack or hustle; you don’t need to do another course or watch another thousand videos about enlightenment. All you need to do is to be here. Now.
That’s where your power lives because it’s where you’ll find your realness.
It’s also where your purpose lives and were you’ll feel most alive.
Stay real out there,
If you’re interested in coaching and you want to develop more presence and purpose in your life, book a free call with me and get started.
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