Your problems aren’t your problems.


The problem is NEVER the problem (but REAL ALWAYS WORKS)

This is a bold claim but one thing I’ve learned from my own journey and from coaching people is that the problems we think we have at the start of a transformational period in our lives are NEVER the actual problems.

(In other words: many of the issues we think we’re dealing with when we go into the process are revealed to have been unreal by the time we’re done – assuming the process has made us more REAL).

They sure might look like problems and may even be experienced as problems but actually they’re (almost) always SYMPTOMS of the same core issue in some way: a DISCONNECTION FROM OUR REALNESS.

This is especially true of problems that lingerany time they do you can be pretty sure that you’re clinging onto some kind of misperception or misinterpretation for the sake of keeping your ego/identity where it is (so you don’t have to face your emotional ‘stuff’ in dealing with things).

The problem (if you can even call it that) is an attachment to the unreal ‘stuff’ – for whatever reason – instead of a focus on the real.

Really, this is just a matter of ‘sense’ (whatever that is):

-If you really knew what a problem is then you would do something about it and no longer have a problem.

-If it lingers then it’s either just an inevitable facet of reality (“it is what it is, man”) and you’re actually just struggling to ACCEPT things or you want to cling to something unreal because it benefits you in some (usually emotional) way.

I know that sounds simplistic and complexity is very popular in relation to this personal growth ‘stuff’. It’s probably also offensive to some people too but I’m definitely not saying that when we’re in touch with our realness that it’s some sort of magical panacea – just that, when we unlearn the things keeping us from our realness, we can stop wasting time distracting ourselves trying to find ‘solutions’ to problems that really only exist in our minds alone.

Let’s break it down a little – here are the kind of things that people come to me with and the way these ‘problems’ show up for them with various SYMPTOMS.

Here’s a list of the symptoms people experience when disconnected from their realness and then the symptoms of these symptoms (just to add a little complexity for those of us that love such things):

Lack of Purpose: Feeling directionless, demotivated, and uncertain about life goals.

Unfulfillment: Lingering dissatisfaction, lack of enthusiasm, and emotional restlessness.

Disconnected Relationships: Feeling emotionally distant, struggling to communicate feelings, and experiencing loneliness.

Stagnation in Career: Lack of creativity, feeling unchallenged, and limited career growth.

Fear of Vulnerability: Avoiding sharing feelings, hesitating to express needs, and guarded interactions.

Emotional Restlessness: Mood swings, moments of anxiety, and difficulty finding emotional equilibrium.

Lack of Work-Life Balance: Constant stress, neglecting personal needs, and feeling overwhelmed.

Self-Doubt: Second-guessing decisions, feeling inadequate, and lacking confidence.

Relationship Struggles: Frequent arguments, difficulty understanding each other, and emotional distance.

Identity Crisis: Feeling lost, unsure of who he is, and questioning personal values.

Procrastination: Delaying important tasks, feeling guilty about productivity, and added stress.

Imposter Syndrome: Feeling like a fraud, attributing success to luck, and downplaying achievements.

Lack of Emotional Expression: Difficulty showing affection, bottling up feelings, and emotional detachment.

Limited Personal Growth: Fearing change, avoiding challenges, and missing out on learning opportunities.

Social Isolation: Few social interactions, feeling out of touch, and experiencing loneliness.

Regret and Guilt: Dwelling on past mistakes, feeling guilty about missed opportunities, and ruminating.

Unresolved Past Traumas: Triggered emotional responses, anxiety, and avoidance behaviours.

Comparison Trap: Constantly comparing to others, feeling inferior, and negatively affecting self-esteem.

Lack of Joy: Rare moments of happiness, feeling numb, and difficulty finding enjoyment.

Loss of Passion: Losing interest in hobbies, feeling uninspired, and lacking enthusiasm.

When you’re UNAWARE (and the first step to changing your life is always ‘Acceptance’) that the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM is always a sense of disconnect from your realness then the standard way of trying to handle these challenges is to choose one of the symptoms and focus on it.

Not only does this ignore the fundamental law that “WHAT WE FOCUS ON GROWS” (thus making things worse in the long run) it also causes us to be distracted from reality itself. 

Because reality is the only place where we can ever find any kind of solutions (again, just a matter of ‘sense’ – where else can we actually expect to get results besides reality?) this DISTRACTION just prevents us from getting what we really want (to be back in touch with our realness – even if we don’t know that consciously).

One way that I’ve seen this distraction show up for people (who become increasingly frustrated with themselves and life) is that they become SYMPTOM HOPPERS (just made that term up but it does the job).

Because they don’t get the RESULTS that they want (feeling good and like life is meaningful), they go through periods in their lives where they choose one of the above symptoms (or the symptoms of the symptom) and dedicate themselves to it for a short period (until they don’t get the results they want and so they move onto the next thing and then the next thing ad infinitum).

So, for example, maybe they’ll spend some time trying to get their creativity back (which they trick themselves into thinking is a cause of their career stagnation); or maybe they read some book about how ‘comparisons are odious’ and so they view their lives through a frame of not comparing themselves to others for a few weeks until it wears off and they move onto the next thing (because the frame was only CONCEPTUAL, not EXPERIENTIAL); maybe they’ll come up with a theory that if they can just stop procrastinating then all their problems will be solved and so they become extra disciplined for a few weeks (but don’t feel any better because they’re not DOING ANYTHING REAL because they didn’t get in touch with their realness FIRST).

All of these things are examples of “rearranging the furniture on the Titanic whilst it sinks” – they’re just ways of playing with the surface level details of our lives, externalising everything, and confusing ourselves by giving ourselves the illusion of growth and momentum whilst paradoxically staying the same at the same time.

You can save yourself years of friction, frustration, and misery by learning to focus on your REALNESS first and foremost.

When you do that all of these other symptoms take care of themselves because you’re not making the unreal CHOICES that lead to their perpetuation.

If this has spoken to you and you want some help with this ‘stuff’ then in touch by either booking a call or sending me an email or message. I’ve seen people get really fast results once they simply shift their focus to the REAL things instead of distracting themselves with SYMPTOM HOPPING and rearranging that furniture on the Titanic.

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