Realness and Dementia: How Facing Reality Might Prevent Dementia

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Life Philosophy/Health/Mindset/Psychology

How the Fragmentation of the Self May Lead to Issues in Later Life

What if dementia isn’t just a neurological condition but also the psyche’s last-ditch attempt to return to wholeness after a lifetime of fragmentation?

That might sound a little dramatic and I know it’s a sensitive topic but stay with me.

In my work as a coach, I serve people around the practical philosophy of REALNESS which can be summarised here as a process of shedding illusion and living in relationship with reality. It’s about being radically present, brutally honest, and deeply trusting.

Recently, after realising that a lot of older people (70s/80s/90s) start to feel like prisoners in their own bodies, I’ve been exploring a provocative theory: that dementia may be a final form of dissociation from a life – and body – that became too painful to stay present in.

If this could be a valid theory then what if the path to prevention isn’t just biomedical but something a little more holistic? What if it starts with embracing reality and consistently following the real path of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action?

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Could it be that dementia is on the rise because we're becoming more fragmented?

The Psyche’s Escape Hatch

We already know and have a lot of evidence that dissociation is a psychological response to trauma: it’s a way for the mind to distance itself from unbearable reality.

But what if that same mechanism plays out over a lifetime and culminates – in some cases – as dementia?

Please note: this isn’t to say that dementia is only psychological or spiritual.

There are well-documented physiological causes: Alzheimer’s disease, vascular degeneration, plaques and tangles, etc. But research also shows that chronic stress, unresolved trauma, and emotional suppression correlate strongly with cognitive decline.

In one study published in Neurology, higher levels of midlife stress were associated with increased risk of dementia later in life (Johansson et al., 2010). Another study in The American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry found that individuals with a history of trauma were more likely to develop Alzheimer’s symptoms (Peavy et al., 2009).

On top of this evidence is the lived observations: for example, how many people with dementia seem to ‘revert’ to earlier versions of themselves – forgetting their current partner but remembering a previous one, for instance? It’s as if the psyche is retreating to the last place it felt safe and most REAL.

It seems to me that cases like this aren’t ‘random’ (i.e. the psyche isn’t just randomly choosing a point in time to return to):

What’s taking place is a regression – a return to the most stable self-concept (ego) before life became too painful to process and deal with. When we view this through the lens of realness, this looks a lot like a soul attempting to find home in its past, because it couldn’t find peace in its present (because the decline of the body and the inevitability of death as old age takes its toll are too much to bear).

When the Body Becomes a Prison

Many of us already live lives divorced from our bodies – even if they haven’t turned against us yet as we go through the stages of being born, ripening, decaying, and then dying:

We push through pain, suppress emotion, live in denial of death and do all kinds of conscious and unconscious mental gymnastics to keep the ego where it is (so we can avoid facing the shadow self and becoming whole).

The abridged version is that we construct egos to help us perform, achieve, and survive and, sometimes, those identities get so calcified that by the time we find that we’ve reached old age, we don’t know how to let them go.

That’s unfortunate because – more than most things – aging demands surrender (which means facing reality):

It demands we surrender youth, image, control, roles, bodily functions and mobility, and even memory but – if we never learned how to grieve – how to process loss – then aging feels like torture and the body, once a tool of expression, now becomes a prison.

In order to try and escape this prison (instead of accepting reality), the mind begins to break its own rules and starts to show us what we need to see rather than what’s actually there.

REALNESS teaches us that there’s a natural drive toward wholeness that’s literally always calling us into more wholeness. But if we’re too entrenched in ego, too identified with form, we can’t hear this call and life starts to slip between our fingers.

Eventually, the psyche may resort to dementia as its final act of self-liberation – an unconscious retreat into forgetfulness, because presence has become too painful for somebody locked in a body that doesn’t suit the self-concept or image that has traditionally been used to interact with the present and filter life through it.

The Real Risk: Refusing to Change

This brings us to a hard truth: dementia may not always be about physical decay as much as it is about our mental and emotional reactions to this decay.

Sometimes, dementia might be about disconnection from what’s most REAL about ourselves, the world, and reality itself.

If we go our entire lives without updating our identity and clinging to the unreal in order to avoid facing what’s real… if we keep rejecting change, denying grief, avoiding truth… then the self becomes more-and-more fragmented and our lives become more-and-more unreal.

In other words, the more we cling and refuse to let go, the harder it gets to integrate reality and actually work with it. Later in life, when the present becomes too unfamiliar to hold, the mind might regress to the last stable identity it remembers as a way of dissociating and not being completely overwhelmed.

This, of course, begs a question or two:

What if we never let it get to that point?

What if we lived in a way that made change sacred instead of something to be feared?

This brings us back to our REALNESS and using it as a preventative measure:

REALNESS as Preventative Soul Care

REALNESS is more than just a mindset – it’s a process of continuous integration, rooted in three stages:

1. Awareness

Learning to become conscious of your assumptions, patterns, stories, identities, and the emotional ‘stuff’ that guides your thoughts (without you knowing, usually).

This means training to notice when you’re living in resistance – i.e. when you’re clinging to a version of yourself that no longer fits what’s actually real. It’s about seeing reality without distortion and then acting from a place of wholeness instead of mental fragmentation projected out into the world.

2. Acceptance

Getting to a place where you can feel what’s actually there, let go of what’s passing or passed, and stop pretending things are okay when they’re not. This is the core of emotional health – it’s how we process loss instead of suppressing it.

Without acceptance, we also avoid the TRUTH about things with the cost of our emotions getting buried instead of faced. The longer we go without facing the truth, the more our emotional ‘stuff’ becomes the very fragmentation that fuels dissociation and separates us from our realness.

3. Action

Taking aligned steps based on truth, not F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”):

This includes adapting your self-concept to fit the current season of our life and evolving consciously rather than waiting for crisis to force your hand.

When you live from these three pillars, you’re doing more than managing stress – you’re creating spiritual resilience. You’re strengthening the muscle that lets you stay here, no matter what changes.

Practical Ways to Stay Whole and Avoid Unnecessary Fragmentation

Here are some practical steps you can take now to build a life that resists dissociation and supports cognitive and emotional wholeness:

1. Practice Daily Reality Check-Ins

Take 5 minutes each day to ask yourself questions that raise awareness and increase acceptance:

What am I resisting right now?
What feels true that I don’t want to accept?
Where am I pretending?

Write it down and let your answers guide your realignment into wholeness and then REAL ACTION.

2. Process Grief Regularly

You don’t need a funeral to grieve – you just need to learn the art of LETTING GO (read my new book Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace to go deep into this):

Grieve the job you left, the body that’s changing, the relationships that shifted, and anything else that’s been and gone.

Unprocessed grief is one of the biggest contributors to emotional fragmentation and refusing to face emotions is what makes us more fragmented than anything else (because it increases dissociation and causes a wider gulf between our ego and our realness).

3. Ritualise Changes in Your Life

One of the reasons so many of us cling on to outdated images of ourselves and then get a massive shock in old age is because our culture has lost its traditions and rites of passage.

This being the case, you can start to create your own:

Mark birthdays not just with parties, but with reflection. Celebrate endings and beginnings.

Aging shouldn’t be a shock – it should be a sacred unfolding into more truth and wholeness (with death being the ultimate release when the time comes).

4. Stretch the Trust Muscle

Trust doesn’t mean blind hope – it means surrendering to what is, and taking action in flow rather than force.

Meditation, breathwork, and somatic practices help regulate your nervous system and build trust in the now.

If your nervous system feels safe you will fear reality less and become less dissociated overall.

5. Update Your Identity Often

Every season of life asks you to become someone new and to let go of what’s unreal:

Don’t cling to who you were at 25 – let your self-image evolve and let go of outdated pride.

Grow into the ‘You’ that reality is asking you to be now.

Dementia is possibly what happens when we cling to life instead of letting go.

The Bigger Picture: Living and Dying Whole

If, in some cases, dementia is the soul’s retreat from a life it couldn’t bear to stay in, then REALNESS is about creating a life worth staying present for and reducing the risk (plus, it just feels good to be real and to flow with life instead of forcing everything).

Of course, we can’t control everything about our biology but we can control how we relate to the truth:

We can choose to meet reality with grace instead of resistance.

REALNESS isn’t just how you live. It’s how you die.

Fragmented or whole?

There’s a difference between ego memory and real memory:

Ego memory says, “This is who I used to be”.

Real memory says, “This is who I’ve always been beneath the form life takes”.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Real Life Transformation: The Secret to Actually Transforming Your Life (For the Better)

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Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Shadow Life

Real Life Transformation Comes from Changing What You Love, Not What You Believe

Most of the people who come to me for coaching initially think they need to change their mindset, and to be fair, they usually do.

Here’s the thing that they all eventually learn in the end, though:

Mindset alone won’t change your life.

You can read all the self-help books in the world, recite affirmations until your voice box falls out, or try to hypnotise yourself into being more positive but if your heart still craves the ‘wrong’ things, nothing will truly change for you and your life will just become more-and-more unreal.

It’s a bit like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic whilst it keeps getting flooded with water – sure, it might look a little bit neater or whatever, but you’re still sinking and haven’t addressed the deeper ‘stuff’.

In the case of transformation, that deeper ‘stuff’ is not just in your head (like your mindset) – it’s in your body:

It’s in your nervous system and its state of regulation; it’s in the old shame you’ve never quite faced, the guilt that lingers in the background, and the trauma that fills you with fear and doubt every time something good happens.

This all goes to show that transformation isn’t a purely mental game of rearranging beliefs and being more ‘positive’ (though those things are part of the journey) – it’s a whole-being shift, and it starts with learning to love the real instead of the unreal.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Real life transformation comes from making choices for something real.

The Problem With Mindset-Only Transformation

Let me be clear: there’s nothing wrong with working on your beliefs – it’s a great entry point and something that I always work on with my coaching clients in the earlier stages of a coaching container (usually with the help of the ‘Thought Log’ that you can download on this site).

Our beliefs shape perception and perception shapes action but if those beliefs are sitting on top of a foundation of shame, trauma, and fragmented desires, then you’re building a house on sand that’s eventually destined to collapse.

When people fall into the trap of thinking that tweaking their ‘mindset’ is all they need to do to transform their lives, they often try to change their beliefs without doing the emotional excavation required to see where those beliefs came from in the first place.

What’s interesting is that 9 times out of 10, unreal and unhelpful beliefs are rooted in unresolved pain (shame, guilt, and/or trauma, usually) – they came from ego strategies designed to protect you when you felt unsafe, unloved, or unworthy.

If you can start to deal with these unresolved emotions, then the beliefs usually take care of themselves.

The problem is that the ego is a clever master and so it ‘knows’ how to keep hiding this unresolved ‘stuff’ from us so we can resist reality and growth and keep identifying with what’s familiar (and all the problems that come with this familiarity):

It knows how to dress up its fears as ambition; it knows how to make you chase things – jobs, relationships, money, whatever – that look shiny on the surface but are really just distractions and compensations from and for deeper wounds.

Even worse, it knows especially well how to convince you that these things are what you need and ‘LOVE’.

If you want to really transform your life then you need to come to terms with the fact that you don’t really love these things at all. Not in the way that matters.

You desire them because they promise relief and allow you to keep identifying in a way that keeps that unresolved ‘pain’ at bay.

What’s ironic is that the ‘relief’ these things promise is just the relief from the unbearable feeling of disconnection from something real. If you stop chasing them and learn to love something real instead then you’re life will be transformed from the inside-out and things will start to fall into place.

Let’s see how you can start flipping the script and growing REAL:

Love and the Fragmented Self

When we talk about love in the context of transformation, we have to get clear on one thing from the get-go:

Most people don’t know what real love feels like.

That’s not a judgement, just an observation – it’s just the natural consequence of living in a world that teaches us to chase illusions and where so many of us are lost to the Void.

Unreal love is conditional – it’s based on scarcity, performance, and outcome. It says: “If I get this, then I’ll be worthy” or “If they love me, then I’ll feel whole”. This attitude just teaches us to be outcome-dependent (to outsource our levels of self-worth and self-acceptance onto external goals).

It’s means that realness always appears to be outside of you, just out of reach, and never can never last (which flies in the face of the truth because what’s real is always real).

Real love, on the other hand, is a returning to wholeness (instead of the fragmentation of conditions):

It’s a homecoming – what you feel when you let go of all the lies and brick walls that the ego has built around your heart (your ‘heart’ being your key intentions and assumptions – not just your ‘feelings’).

In other words, real love the natural state of someone who has integrated their shadow and is no longer running from themselves.

The Shadow, the Ego, and the Illusion of Salvation

Your shadow is the ‘part’ of you that holds all the stuff you learned to hide in order to be ‘acceptable’ in the eyes of the world and to avoid shame, guilt, and/or trauma – it’s the emotional baggage that didn’t fit your image of who you were “supposed” to be.

When the shadow is unintegrated, it controls you from the beneath the surface of your life and dictates many of the things that you attract and experience in your life (by guiding your unconscious intentions).

The Ego is in a constant battle with the Shadow and wants to keep it at bay (because the ego is made of fragments but the shadow is whole):

It uses strategies like people-pleasing, perfectionism, aggression, withdrawal, addiction, and overachievement to try and escape the tension that comes from keeping the shadow in hiding and the threat of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ resurfacing.

To this aim, it sends you on a wild goose chase and tells you to start trying to fill the Void with something other than the truth:

“If I can just get this one thing – this job, this lover, this lifestyle – I’ll finally be okay.”

Whatever that one thing is, it can never save you because it’s not about the thing – it’s about the parts of you that still feel unworthy of love unless you have it.

This is how we end up loving the wrong things:

We don’t even know we’re doing it. We confuse addiction with affection, attachment with alignment, and chasing with choosing.

And this is why transformation doesn’t happen until we change what we love.

Where Your Treasure Is…

Jesus summed it all up when he said, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.

If your treasure is in the ego’s promises, your heart will always be anxious and you’ll always be grasping, striving, chasing – and, even if you ‘win’, it won’t feel like enough.

But if your treasure is in something real – truth, wholeness, God, whatever word works for you – then your heart finds peace. Not because life becomes easy or perfect, but because your love is rooted in something that doesn’t change when circumstances do.

Loving the real aligns every part of you:

Your mind stops spinning, your emotions start to flow, your body starts to regulate. Your nervous system learns that it’s safe to be here now and from that place, transformation isn’t something you force – it’s something that you flow with instead of having to force.

The Nervous System and the Transformation Trap

Here’s a vital truth that most people overlook: your nervous system will not let you take real action if it still thinks you’re in danger. And guess what? Most people are living in a state of constant low-grade emergency.

Their sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) is dominating their whole experience of life and so they’re wired to survive, not to thrive.

This means that while the mind might be trying to “think positively” or “set goals” and work on all that other ‘mindset’ stuff, the body is screaming and holding them back by saying that nothing is safe but that everything is a threat.

Real transformation requires nervous system regulation because only then can you let go and actually trust yourself and life to do what’s required. This means learning to come out of survival mode and into presence and feeling your feelings, instead of intellectualising them.

It requires breathing, grounding, moving, and integrating.

And perhaps most importantly (in the context of this article), it requires stopping the chase for external salvation and starting to fall in love with the reality of your own existence – messy, beautiful, and whole.

So What Do You Love?

This is the question at the heart of everything we’re talking about:

What do you really love?

Not what do you want, or what do you think you need to be okay – but what do you love so deeply that you’d give your whole life to it without needing it to ‘fix’ you or to fill the Void?

If the answer is something real – truth, growth, wholeness, God, or love itself (“Love is God is Truth”) – then you’re on the right path. If the answer is something unreal and that only ‘means’ anything to the ego’ – status, validation, control, perfection – then it’s time to reconfigure your relationship with your own heart and to point it at something real (“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”).

This isn’t about becoming an ascetic or rejecting worldly things. You can still have the job, the lover, the house, the car – all of these things are good things, after all (if we don’t put them on a pedestal they don’t belong on). Just love them for what they are, not for what you hope they’ll prove about you because you’re driven by that underlying shame (etc.).

When your love is real, your actions become real. When your actions become real, your life becomes real.

Real life transformation comes from knowing your treasure is real.

The REAL Work: Where is Your Treasure?

So how do we begin this process of changing what we love?

Awareness – Notice what you currently love and how it’s guiding your life and the decisions you make:

What do you chase? What do you obsess over? What hurts when you don’t have it?
Acceptance – Get honest about the shadow motivations behind these loves:

Are you trying to be seen? To be enough? To escape? What are you really looking for for the sake of filling a Void that doesn’t even need to have a hold over you?
Action – Start turning your heart towards something real:

Begin practices that reconnect you with your body and the truth:

This might include breathwork, meditation, somatic therapy, shadow journaling, or simply telling the truth more often.

This is the process of real transformation: aligning your love with what is actually real – not what you’ve been told is real because of social conditioning or what you think is real because of what your ego wants to be real.

When you love something real and allow your emotions to do what they need to do, your beliefs take care of themselves:

You no longer need to convince or motivate yourself to change – you just want to because the false falls away naturally when the truth is finally seen.

When that happens, you’re no longer rearranging those deckchairs.

You’re building a new ship entirely.

Stay real out there,

If you’re ready to start transforming your life in a deep way and you’re interested in coaching then book a free call with me and get started right away.

Drama in Relationships: How To Know If You’re Addicted To Unreal Dynamics

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Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It

A common problem that sucks us into the Void these days is that we confuse passion with complete chaos.

This can cause us to fall into the trap of thinking that our relationships need to emulate this ‘chaos culture’ if we’re to ever stand a chance of proving that our ‘love’ is real or that we ‘fought’ and ‘won’ for the little scraps of love that this might lead us to.

Maybe can blame this on the movies, maybe it’s TikTok, but whatever it is it causes us to by into the myth that dopamine-fuelled chaos is an essential ingredient in a ‘real’ relationship.

Unfortunately, this just leads to unnecessary DRAMA in relationships because this chaos is always the product of something unreal (i.e. the ego) and not something that’s actually helping us to be refined and reconfigured in the furnace of life’s true chaos (which is just anything beyond the realms of whatever we currently think we know).

This being the case, it’s no surprise that many of us mistake emotional drama for real connection or believe that ‘love’ should feel like some kind of soap opera.

Let’s get something straight from the outset:

Real love is not drama.

Instead, real love is grounded, present, and safe.

This can lead to a problem that many people have to deal with for years and maybe even their whole lives:

If you’re addicted to unreality and drama in relationships, the stability of real love might feel boring and so you think there’s something ‘wrong’ with it.

If you’re stuck in this loop, it’s not just unfortunate – it’s destructive because it stops you growing real and keeps you in a place that you (probably) don’t really want to be (despite being addicted to it).

How do you know if you’re in love with love or just hooked on the highs and lows of a dramatic emotional theme park ride?

Let’s dig a little deeper to find out:

Drama in relationships always comes from being unreal.

What We’ll Cover in this Article

Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It
The Seduction of Drama in Relationships
What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?
- Why We Get Addicted to the Unreal and Drama in Relationships
How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)
What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like
Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t

The Seduction of Drama in Relationships

Let’s not pretend drama doesn’t have its allure:

When someone makes your heart race with a cryptic message or love-bombs you with grand gestures then vanishes into the emotional ether, the push-pull chase dynamic that opens up can feel intoxicating.

The truth, however, is that these dynamics rarely have anything to do with love because their mainly psychological and physiological (whereas love is about the whole of us) and so what we’re actually experiencing is often a surge of chemically addictive responses with cortisol, adrenaline, and dopamine all working in tandem to keep you chasing.

Really, it’s no different to gambling or any other addiction that ‘hooks’ us in with the promise of the unknown because unpredictability creates a hit of anticipation that becomes addictive.

Even though you may know it’s bad for you, you keeping going back anyway.

This is what happens when you’re addicted to the unreal and – once you’re hooked – real connection can feel…underwhelming in comparison.

What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?

Real means that we’re experiencing ourselves and lives as a whole (to the greatest extent possible) and at least open to going deeper into wholeness (which is what a REAL relationship is a container for). Unreal means that we’re fragmented and resisting and distorting life because of attachment to the ego and so we’re closed to going deeper into wholeness (because it threatens the ego).

This being the case, an unreal relationship is one that:

Is defined by uncertainty: One minute they’re obsessed, the next they’re cold (because their ego can’t let go completely and so you find yourself never knowing what’s really going on).
Feels like a performance: You’re more focused on how things look rather than how they actually are (because the ego is an illusion).
Relies on fantasy: You cling to the potential of the other person, not the reality (because they don’t want you to see the real them as they want you to see the ego and validate it for them).
Distorts your sense of self: You feel you must be someone else to keep their interest (in order to try and live up to their unreal expectations).
Replays childhood wounds: You’re chasing validation, approval, or love from someone emotionally unavailable (because your ego is what got you involved in an unreal relationship in the first place and these old patterns are why your ego ‘exists’ in the first place).

If this sounds familiar, you might be caught in the trap of experiencing drama in relationships – the odds are – your nervous system is confusing emotional chaos (the push-pull) with true intimacy (a shared journey towards deeper wholeness).

Why We Get Addicted to the Unreal and Drama in Relationships

There are a few key psychological and emotional patterns that lead to this kind of addiction to unreal relationship dynamics and drama:

1. Shame and Unworthiness

If deep down you don’t feel worthy of love because of unresolved shame, guilt, and/or trauma, you’re more likely to be drawn to people who withhold it because their rejection mirrors your internal beliefs.

On some level, it feels right because it matches your unconscious assumptions that you don’t deserve real love or a healthy relationship.

2. Egoic Validation

Many chase dramatic partners because they want to ‘win’ them (because they think that love is about the chase, fighting, and sacrificing).

In this case, it becomes less about love, and more about proving you’re good enough (again because of underlying shame).

The chase becomes your self-worth and whoever you’re chasing just ends up on a pedestal as you become outcome-dependent.

3. Unhealed Attachment Wounds

Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are especially susceptible to these dynamics because the unpredictability of unreal relationships triggers old childhood patterns of chasing love from emotionally inconsistent caregivers.

4. Addiction to Intensity

Intensity can feel like connection, especially when you’ve never experienced secure love.

The truth, on the other hand, is that intensity is a poor substitute for intimacy.

How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)

Here are a few red flags to watch for to determine if you have a proclivity for unreal relationships and the ensuing drama that they bring:

You confuse warning signs with butterflies in your stomach (because your nervous system is being overridden by the desires of your ego and so you can no longer tell the difference between safety and threat).
You feel euphoric during the highs and despondent during the lows (because you’re literally addicted to the person and forgot who you are without them).
You spend more time analysing texts and second-guessing than feeling relaxed and known (because there is always some block to communication or some unreal game unfolding that leaves you confused. You may also be experiencing gaslighting).
You fantasise about who they could be rather than who they are and this keeps you locked in the dynamic despite evidence to the contrary that smashes your fantasy (not that you can let go of this fantasy because your ego needs it).
You often feel like you’re auditioning, not relating (because unreal people are always asking you to be unreal too and are incapable of sustained presence).
You feel drawn to people who are hot-and-cold, mysterious, or emotionally unavailable (because you unconsciously (or consciously!) love the push-pull that mystery and unavailability brings).

If you’re nodding along to all this, then take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone (getting sucked into these patterns doesn’t mean that you’re unintelligent or ‘wrong’ in some way – just that you need to master your relationship with yourself a little more)>

Either way, it’s time to ask yourself:

Do I want real love or do I just want the feeling of love?

Real love isn’t just a ‘feeling’ (because feelings can change and real is always real) – it’s also an attitude and commitment that stands the test of time with stability and security.

What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like

Let’s put the drama to one side for a moment and explore what real love feels is all about:

Consistency: You know where you stand.
Honesty: You’re not left guessing.
Mutual respect: You don’t feel like you’re in a power struggle or competition.
Peace: Not to be confused with boredom but a calm presence.
Safety: Your nervous system doesn’t feel like it’s on a battlefield.
Communication: You can talk about issues and resolve them instead of getting into a battle of egos.

You don’t have to earn any of this by dancing through hoops and trying to constantly please somebody who can’t be pleased (because, again, the ego is unreal and so is always looking for something).

Real love doesn’t make you perform – it allows you to be present and keep making progress without being lost in ideas of ‘perfection‘.

Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t

When you grow up in environments where love was inconsistent, manipulative, or conditional, your brain learns to associate emotional instability and the push-pull dynamic with intimacy.

This means that when someone comes along and offers stability you might find yourself thinking that they’re too nice or that something is missing (which it is… the drama).

What you’re really saying to yourself in these moments is: I’m not used to this kind of safety.

In short: your nervous system has been wired to crave the emotional rollercoaster, even though it’s burning you out.

The Ego in the Drama

Unreal relationships aren’t just frustrating and unhealthy – they’re often an externalised Shadow Dance with your unhealed parts colliding with someone else’s.

Your ego wants to feel chosen, special, and powerful and so when someone withdraws or plays hard to get, it doesn’t repel you. It activates your ego and you go chasing.

But that’s not love – it’s performance.

Eventually, it will just leave you feeling used, small, and resentful because you’re asked to being somebody other than who you are in your realness but real love is about ACCEPTANCE (for yourself and others).

Breaking Free from Drama in Relationships (and the Addiction it Brings)

This isn’t about blaming yourself, it’s about waking up and raising AWARENESS of how things actually work. Once you’ve done that you can ACCEPT yourself more and then take ACTION that’s more aligned with something real.

Here are some practical steps to help you reconnect to reality:

1. Name the Pattern

Start journaling your relationship history:

Spot the patterns and try to figure out when you started to confuse drama for love.

Who does the drama of unreal relationships remind you of? Where did you learn to put up with unreal over real?

2. Regulate Your Nervous System

If you’re used to chaos, calm can feel threatening because it’s a threat to your familiar way of identifying (ego).

Start practising breathwork, mindfulness, or somatic work like yin yoga to reset your baseline and realign your brain and your gut.

3. Reclaim Your Power

Stop chasing things that keep running away.

Don’t reach out. Don’t try to make them see your worth. Let the silence speak for itself.

You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and if you think you do then you probably have some unresolved shame to deal with.

4. Get Curious About the Real

Ask yourself what love would look like without the drama:

What does healthy attraction feel like?

Practice being with people who are open and safe even if your initial reaction is to run (make sure they don’t chase you though!).

5. Build Self-Trust

You won’t settle for fragmented crumbs once you believe you deserve a whole feast:

Affirm your worth daily by building aa life that feels good on the inside – not just one that looks good on the outside.

Drama in relationships usually comes by invitation and personal CHOICE.

Final Thoughts – Drama in Relationships? It’s Time to Get Real

Being addicted to drama doesn’t mean you’re broken – it means your heart is looking for something real in unreal places.

The ‘good’ news is that once you start working on healing your relationship with yourself you can start to taste something real and the unreal will lose its hold over you.

When you reach this point, the fireworks might fade a little but what remains is connection:

Safety. Wholeness. Peace.

That’s real and it’s what you’re really looking for.

Stay real out there,

If you want to work on growing real and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free call with me and get moving right away.

Presence: Why You Struggle with Being Present and How to Change It

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Life Philosophy/Men/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Realness, Presence, and Purpose are Deeply Intertwined

The world is not reality which is one of the reasons we find ourselves in an unreal world that idolises the hustle, glorifies busyness, and confuses productivity with true purpose.

The result of all this is that we have generation of men who are rarely – if ever – truly present. In fact, many of them actively fear presence and so they’re constantly running around distracting themselves and trying to escape life by any means necessary (whilst still looking ‘busy’, of course, because ‘busyness’ is one of our core cultural values).

Let that sink in for a moment:

When was the last time you really felt right here, right now?

Not scrolling, not overthinking, not worrying about something, or getting ready to do the next thing on your list whilst you’re currently doing the current thing – just here.

In your body. With your breath. In this moment.

Chances are, it’s been a while and – if you’re like most men – it’s not your fault (though your lack of presence is a CHOICE that you keep making):

You’ve been conditioned away from your natural state of presence and taught to feel, think, do, and even BE something that you’re not.

That sounds a bit dramatic but there’s some good news too: presence is your birth-right and it can’t be taken from you because it’s just you REALNESS (and what’s real is always real).

It’s the secret sauce behind every great life, every true connection, and every meaningful pursuit…and you can reclaim it by starting to shift your focus.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Presence is essential for realness which is vital for mental and physical health.

What Is Presence, Really?

Presence isn’t just sitting cross-legged on a meditation cushion and fingering your bellybutton – nor is it staring blankly at a tree, pretending you’re enlightened.

Real presence is about being with reality as it is – not as your mind filters or manipulates it.

It’s about tasting something WHOLE instead of just the little FRAGMENTS of experience that we identify with and get used to.

Presence isn’t passive.

Presence isn’t bland or empty.

It’s a dynamic stillness that allows you to act without force, speak without fear, and love without condition. It’s when your mind, body, and spirit are all pointing in the same direction and not tearing you away from your real life.

It’s when you’re really ‘here’ in the now and not just lost in your head, your blocked emotions, and your interpretations.

When you’re present, you can actually see and be seen:

You see your partner, your kids, your mates. You hear your the voice of your own REALNESS and feel connected to something whole and true instead of getting lost in a fog of fragmented thoughts.

The opposite of presence is distractions:

An often involuntary (because you’re running on autopilot) where you miss out on your own life because you’re physically there but emotionally and spiritually AWOL.

This distractionism is the default state of the modern man: a ghost in his own skin – haunting his own life in the Void and wondering why everything is so quiet and desperate instead of being filled with colour and glory.

Why Men Struggle with Presence

Presence is our natural state but it’s not our normal state anymore for various reasons (there are probably way more):

1. We’re addicted to doing instead of accepting of our being: From a young age, we’re rewarded for performance over presence: school grades, sports championships, climbing the career ladder, and chasing achievement.

The more we do, the more we feel like we actually are something but this is only because we’re detached from what’s real about us and so we think that we need to ‘achieve’ our realness when all we really need to do is reach out and receive it (and still take REAL ACTION).

Slowing down feels like death to the ego which is why most of us are running around like headless chickens. The irony is that when we do slow down we can see what’s hiding behind the mask of ego and start being who we really are.

2. We’re terrified of stillness because in the stillness we find flow: Stillness can be a confronting experience – especially if we’re a human doing instead of a human being – because, when we stop, we hear the noise inside ourselves and have to face all the things we’ve been trying to distract ourselves from:

The judgements. The shame. The unresolved emotions. The shadow parts.

Presence forces us to feel, and many of us have never been taught how to feel safely and so we keep running. If we don’t feel, though, we can’t allow what’s actually real about us to emerge and so we’ll always be lost to the Void and feel a lack of actual presence in our lives (we’ll be living in a projection instead).

3. Our nervous systems are fried and so our thoughts and actions become erratic: Many of us live in a chronic state of fight-or-flight and so our nervous systems are stuck on overdrive (we have what’s known as Sympathetic Dominance).

In this state, we constantly feel on edge because we experience hypervigilance and overstimulation. We’re constantly scanning for external threats like emails, bills, and social rejection but also internal ‘threat’s like our own emotional ‘stuff’. In this state, presence is nearly impossible because our biology is hijacked and taking us away from reality instead of towards it.

4. The ego hates presence because the ego is unreal: The ego wants control and so it thrives on the past and the future, regret and worry.

On the other hand, presence requires surrender which dismantles the ego’s illusions and reveals the truth: that we’re already whole, loved, and enough because we’re already REAL and what’s real is always real.

What Happens When You’re Not Present?

When you’re not present, you’re living through the lens of a fragmented self (ego) placed between yourself and reality – a bundle of reactions and roles rather than a real, rooted identity.

Here’s what that leads to:

Shallow relationships: People can’t connect with you. You might be charming, charismatic, or whatever but you’re not felt because you’re not there.
Poor decisions: Without presence, you act from fear, habit, or impulse – not truth. You also end up trying to force life because you can’t trust (because your nervous system is screwed up) and so you lose a sense of flow.
Missed opportunities: Life is always offering you something real like a next step, a new opportunity, or a lesson in letting go but if you’re distracted, you won’t see it.
Inner chaos: Without presence, your mind runs wild and you become reactive, anxious, and out of alignment as the Gremlin takes over and pulls you away from yourself, the world, and reality.

The Masculine Power of Presence

Here’s the twist: presence isn’t just a feel-good concept that’s for hippies on park benches – it’s a masculine superpower:

True masculinity isn’t just about dominance or bravado -it’s about groundedness.

Being grounded means that you’re unshakeable enough within yourself and your thoughts and emotions to penetrate reality with clarity and strength…no matter what it throws your way.

Really, this means meeting life on its own terms instead of according to your own judgements or expectations. It’s about embracing that sometimes It is what it is and So be it.

When you’re present like this, you can hold space – for your loved ones, the challenges you’re facing, and your purpose.

Presence is the difference between force and flow:

It’s what lets you lead, love, and build something real without losing yourself in the process (though you’ll probably lose your ego in order to find yourself).

In short, presence is how you face chaos without becoming it.

Remember what Jesus said: “Be IN the world, but not OF the world” – that’s presence: engaged in this world of ours without being entangled in it or ensnared upon its thorns.

Awake but not overwhelmed.

Presence: The Portal to Potential

Presence is also how you unlock your potential because when you’re present, you’re connected to reality.

This is important because reality is the only place where anything ever happens (real always works, after all):

It’s the only place you can create, heal, grow, serve, love, lead or do anything even remotely true.

It’s where your purpose lives and where you’ll find yourself at your best.

When you’re present, your energy is focused, your instincts kick in, and your creativity flows; you stop being ruled by fear and start acting from wisdom.

You become more REAL.

How to Cultivate Presence: The Three Levels

Presence isn’t something you ‘achieve’ once and for all – it’s a practice of constantly tuning in and receiving what’s already and always there (reality).

It’s like a muscle that – like any muscle – strengthens with repetition and care.

Here are three levels of work to start integrating and becoming more present in yourself and your life:

1. Master the Mind

Learn to distinguish between real and unreal thoughts: Use tools like journaling, mindfulness, or the Thought Log (available for free on this site) to expose unreal ego patterns and shift your focus onto something real.
Question the mental noise and keep checking in with yourself: Ask: Is this thought true? Is it helpful? Is it even mine? Is it coming from a real place or from unreal fear and doubt?
Anchor to now with breath: A simple practice: 5 slow breaths through the nose, focusing only on the inhale and exhale. Repeat until you’re regulated (not just relaxed) and then keep going.

2. Regulate the Nervous System

Build awareness of your stress states: Notice when you’re in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn so that you know when you’re being present or not.
Use somatic tools: Breathwork, cold exposure, movement, or grounding exercises are all good (personally, I think yin yoga is the best practice for nervous system regulation).
Develop daily rituals that signal safety to your body: E.g., slow walks, stretching, silent mornings, etc. Check out the Morning Routine Generator on this site for more ideas: Morning Routine Generator: Pick n Mix Morning Generator for Realness.

3. Live with Purpose

When you’re on a real mission and know you’re vision, presence becomes natural – you’re not floating around wondering what matters. You’re actively engaged in life, riding the reality waves that come you’re way, and moving towards your vision.
Make sure that when you create a vision that it inspires you. It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be real.
Ask yourself: What’s the realest action I can take today that aligns with who I want to become?

Three Practices to Start Today

Let’s make it practical – here are three presence-building habits to integrate from today onwards (if you so desire):

1. Daily Presence Check-In (3 minutes) Set a reminder on your phone, stop what you’re doing, close your eyes. Breathe deeply and ask yourself:

Where am I?
What am I feeling?
Am I ‘here’ now or lost in unreal thoughts?

2. Presence in Conversations Next time someone speaks to you, really listen. Like, really. No interruptions. No fixing. No thinking of what to say next. Just receive them.

Presence is the most powerful gift you can give because it’s REAL.

3. Digital Fasting Choose a daily window (e.g., first hour of the morning or last hour of the evening) to go completely offline. No screens. No stimulation. Just you and life.

These three things are all simple but totally effective – especially over time as the results keep compounding on themselves.

Presence is the key to riding the reality waves and finding wholeness.

Final Thoughts: The Return to Realness

You weren’t born distracted; you weren’t born fragmented – you came into this world fully present, alive, whole, and real.

You can start to return to this state of presence any time you CHOOSE.

Presence isn’t about becoming something new – it’s about remembering who you are underneath all the noise and unlearning the conditioning that keeps you from this.

You don’t need another hack or hustle; you don’t need to do another course or watch another thousand videos about enlightenment. All you need to do is to be here. Now.

That’s where your power lives because it’s where you’ll find your realness.

It’s also where your purpose lives and were you’ll feel most alive.

Stay real out there,

If you’re interested in coaching and you want to develop more presence and purpose in your life, book a free call with me and get started.

The Chase Dynamic: Addicted to Emotional Unavailability

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Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Kill the chase dynamic by replacing them with your own purpose or with somebody who can do the work.

Why People Get Addicted to The Push-Pull Game and Chasing Instead of Replacing

If you’ve ever found yourself entranced by some seemingly ‘perfect’ creature (really, just another human being) who constantly keeps you on your toes and leaves you in a chronic state of uncertainty about where you stand, then this article is for you:

This is something that most of us experience at some stage in our lives – getting sucked into relationships where the emotional highs and lows seem to fuel an addictive rush. We think that all of the excitement, questions, and drama that these emotional rollercoasters bring with them must ‘mean’ something incredible and romantic is taking place but, actually, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Here’s something to make a note of from the get-go:

The ‘chase’ dynamic is not love – it’s a game that unfolds when one ego meets another and calls it ‘love’ (or something similar).

Far from being the raw and real, grounded connection we long for, the ‘chase’ is actually just rooted in an unhealthy dance between egos:

Real love doesn’t hurt (despite what they tell you), but this push-pull cycle sure does, especially when it’s built on emotional unavailability and lingering doubts, questions, and uncertainty (because real love is actually the surest and most stable thing in the world – not that it’s always ‘good’ and often means riding through some ‘bad’ times…not because of games and ego but because of life just being life).

The problem, of course, is that the chase can feel intoxicating and more like a movie than the mundane world we live in tends to be on a daily basis – which is why so many of us get addicted to it:

It’s an emotional rollercoaster with moments of bliss that make you feel alive but the inevitable drop leaves you questioning your worth and the very nature of relationships as a whole.

You may ask yourself, “Why, if this dynamic is so painful, do we keep returning to it? How is it even possible to get addicted to uncertainty and chaos in the first place?“

The answer lies in our deep-seated emotions and conditioning, often stemming from unresolved feelings of shame, fear, and unhealed past wounds.

In this article, we’ll break down why you might be attracted to emotional unavailability, the unhealthy patterns at play in the chase, and how to break free from this cycle to invite real love into your life.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The chase dynamic is what happens when we confuse ego for love.

The Myth of “Love Hurts”

One of the most pervasive myths in modern dating is that “love hurts” – it’s a narrative we’ve been sold in movies, songs, and even through personal experiences that make us believe that pain and passion go hand in hand.

The truth, however is far simpler:

Real love doesn’t hurt at all (what does hurt is infatuation and it’s inevitable aftermath).

Love – true, unconditional love – is grounded in safety, trust, and emotional security; it doesn’t leave you on edge, wondering when the next emotional whirlwind will hit – instead, it nurtures, supports, and allows both partners to grow in their own way without constant fear or uncertainty of what might happen next (in the context of the relationship).

So, why does it hurt then?

The pain isn’t love itself but the result of what happens when we confuse love with the chase dynamic – a toxic push-pull that happens when two egos collide and infatuation brought into the mix:

When our egos get involved, we get attached to the thrill of the chase, the excitement of trying to win someone’s affection, or the fear of losing control. These dynamics are driven by insecurity, often stemming from deeper emotional issues like shame or abandonment fears.

The more emotionally unavailable the person is, the more we’re drawn to them because the ego has a scarcity mindset and believes that having things that seem to be ‘scarce’ somehow make us more valuable (a way of compensating for our shame and outsourcing our self-worth to outcomes).

Falling under the spell of the ego like this, we start to crave the validation that whoever (or whatever, for that matter) we’re chasing withholds, and before we know it, we’ve become emotionally hooked on the chase itself.

The problem here is that this cycle of uncertainty and unpredictability is not a sign of love – it’s a sign of emotional manipulation, miscommunication, and avoidance of real intimacy.

When it comes to the real deal, you don’t need to ‘chase’ it because what’s real is always real and will just ‘be’ in your life (if you’re real enough to receive it).

The Push-Pull: Ego Meets Ego

The chase dynamic begins when two egos interact – not two real human beings connecting on a deep, authentic level. When egos meet, they create tension n order to uphold the illusions that they’re founded upon – this means that there’s a desire to control, a need to feel validated, and an underlying fear of vulnerability.

Here’s the thing, though: egos are fragile because they’re totally unreal and so they’re built on the need for approval and external validation.

This is where the push-pull of the chase dynamic comes into play:

One person pulls away, creating emotional distance, while the other chases, trying to bridge the gap (normally after having had at least a taste of closeness).

The emotional unavailability makes the chase feel thrilling, but – in reality – it’s a game of power and control…one where the winner is rarely the person who’s looking for the genuine emotional connection of realness.

At its core, the chase dynamic is driven by two people’s fear of true intimacy:

Both participants are trapped in the story of wanting validation and attention without the vulnerability that comes with real connection. The chase becomes a way to avoid confronting deeper fears of rejection or inadequacy and so the relationship becomes about winning affection, not about sharing a meaningful bond.

The Cycle: Why You Keep Chasing Emotional Unavailability

Why do we continue to chase emotionally unavailable people?

It’s easy to think that we’re doing it because we’re “in love” but it often has less to do with love and more to do with unresolved issues from our past that cause us to become infatuated as a kind of distraction from this unresolved ‘stuff’.

The chase becomes a distraction, a way to feel important, wanted, and validated, even if it’s temporary (because this temporary feeling gives a release from the tension of being unreal with oneself).

At a deeper level, people who are emotionally unavailable often trigger something within us – usually some form of unmet need, fear, or insecurity:

This could be rooted in childhood, where you may not have received the emotional validation or consistency you needed – for example, maybe you were neglected or learned to suppress your emotions and so, as an adult, you’re unconsciously seeking out relationships that mirror this early dynamic, hoping to prove to yourself that you can fix what was broken. The only problem is, you can’t ‘fix’ what isn’t real or emotionally available to begin with.

Furthermore, there’s an addictive element to this dynamic:

The highs and lows – the moments of warmth followed by emotional withdrawal – become a kind of emotional rollercoaster and so your brain releases dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, during the brief moments of connection which then drops when the person withdraws, creating an intense craving for the next hit.

This cycle is often mistaken for genuine love but it’s actually an emotional addiction.

The Chase Dynamic: More Than Just a Game—It’s an Addiction

It might sound dramatic to say that the chase dynamic is addictive, but it’s actually supported by science:

The highs and lows of emotionally unavailable relationships don’t just feel exhilarating – they trigger a very real, biochemical response in your brain that keeps you literally CRAVING more and losing control of your mastery over yourself (in most cases).

When you experience moments of connection in a chase dynamic, your brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that’s associated with pleasure and reward:

This “feel-good” chemical is responsible for creating that euphoric rush when someone shows you attention or affection, and it’s why you may feel an instant high when the emotionally distant person finally lets their guard down and lives up to the image that probably got you ‘hooked ‘in the first place.

You’re literally getting a hit of dopamine from this person, which your brain remembers and craves…Unfortunately, this means that the moment they pull away, that dopamine high crashes.

Instead of walking away, your brain keeps craving that next high and you fall into the trap of thinking things like: “If I can just get them to care about me again, I’ll feel better” (which just sends you on a wild goose chase and back into the push-pull dynamic of the chase dynamic).

This cycle of emotional withdrawal and intermittent rewards is very similar to how addictive behaviours work. The unpredictability of when you’ll get the next ‘hit’ keeps you hooked – chasing the next bit of affection like a literal drug.

Cortisol, the stress hormone, also plays a role here:

When someone withholds affection or creates emotional distance, it triggers feelings of anxiety and insecurity. This stress response can make the moments of affection or validation feel even more rewarding because your brain associates relief from that stress with the rewarding rush of dopamine.

Getting caught up in these endless cycles of tension and release is what causes people to waste years of their lives in these addicted dynamics.

In short, the chase dynamic in relationships is not just about emotional games (though that’s definitely part of it) – it’s an actual chemical rollercoaster. Your brain gets addicted to the highs of attention and the low, often painful withdrawal, which creates a toxic cycle that keeps you coming back for more, even when it’s unhealthy.

(If you’ve ever been ‘stuck’ in a relationship with somebody you ‘love’ but know is totally incompatible with you then this is why).

Understanding this biochemical process is key to breaking free from the addiction:

Once you realise that you’re not in control of your emotions in these situations – that your brain is literally addicted to the chase – you can start to take steps to regulate your nervous system and behaviour, resist the pull of the cycle, and move towards healthier, more balanced relationships that are actually REAL.

You may feel a sense of validation when you’re able to ‘win’ the affection of someone emotionally distant, but the reality is that you’re investing in a fantasy that gives you an ego boost (usually a ‘saviour complex’, in this case).

You’re not connecting with the person; you’re connecting with the idea of what they could be if they just showed up emotionally and this idea is usually just a projection of what you need to see – not what’s actually there – because of your own emotional ‘stuff’.

Red Flags: How To Spot the Chase Dynamic

Recognising the chase dynamic is the first step in breaking free from it.

Here are some red flags that show up as symptoms (though the core problem is your own shame and how it keeps you thinking you deserve this kind of relationship):

Emotional Unavailability: The person constantly pulls away, disappears for days, or gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never enough to make you feel secure. They rarely open up or show vulnerability (though they often expect you to) and the relationship feels more like a game – or even babysitting – than a partnership.
Love Bombing: Initially, they may overwhelm you with affection, attention, and promises of a future together (future faking). This is often a tactic used to reel you in and get you hooked – making you feel special and desired before they withdraw, leaving you chasing after the affection you once had.
Gaslighting: When you try to talk about your needs or express concerns, they deflect, deny, or make you feel like you’re overreacting. They make you question your reality, leaving you unsure of where you stand. This just puts you in a position of weakness where you feel that you need to keep chasing to keep the ‘love’ going (when real love just goes anyway).
The Chase Itself: There’s a constant push-pull in the relationship and you feel like you’re always trying to ‘win’ their affection. When you finally get close, they retreat again. This creates an addictive cycle where you’re always trying to gain their approval but you never really feel secure or safe in the relationship (because it’s about ego, not love).
Avoiding Real Intimacy: They avoid deep conversations and when you try to talk about emotions or the future, they change the subject or make light of the conversation. They may even make fun of your desire for a real connection, framing it as “too needy” or “too much too soon” (not because you’re doing anything wrong but talking in a real way will threaten the mask/ego they’re locked behind).

Real Love is Stable: Breaking the Chase Cycle

Here’s the truth: real love doesn’t involve drama – it’s steady, secure, and based on mutual respect and emotional availability.

Here are some practical tips for taking real action if you find yourself stuck in the chase dynamic we’ve explored in this article:

Acknowledge Your Patterns: The first step is to become aware of your own tendency to chase and what’s going on in your relationship with yourself that makes you think you need to tolerate this in relationships with others.

Reflect on your past relationships and identify if this push-pull dynamic has been a recurring theme – understanding your own patterns will empower you to make healthier choices moving forward.
Heal Your Inner Wounds: Often, the chase dynamic is rooted in unresolved emotional issues, such as fear of abandonment or feelings of inadequacy and shame. Take the time to heal these wounds by working on unconditional self-acceptance, working with a coach that specialises in these things (book a free call with me here if you’re interested in coaching), or journaling about your past experiences and letting go of anything unreal you’re holding onto.
Set Boundaries: Learn to recognise when someone is emotionally unavailable and set clear boundaries. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged into a cycle of uncertainty and remember that you deserve a relationship built on stability, trust, and emotional availability.
Focus on Healthy Communication: Cultivate relationships where open and honest communication is a priority by learning to express your needs and desires clearly and directly. Give in a real way and expect the same from your partner.
Don’t Chase Validation: Stop looking for external validation through the chase dynamic.

Instead, work on building your own self-worth and confidence because when you feel whole on your own, you won’t feel the need to chase someone who is emotionally distant.
Trust in Stability: Real love thrives on stability – don’t settle for chaos or emotional drama. Trust that a secure, balanced relationship will feel calm and grounded, rather than like a constant emotional rollercoaster. Anything else is unreal in some way (this doesn’t mean things will always be ‘perfect’, though).

The chase dynamic ends when you dissolve shame and know your own value.

Conclusion: Don’t Chase ‘Em, Replace ‘Em

The chase dynamic in modern relationships is a trap many fall into – especially when we mistake emotional turbulence for genuine love.

Real love is not about chasing someone who is emotionally unavailable – it’s about finding someone who is willing to meet you at the same level of emotional availability, openness, and vulnerability.

If you’re with somebody that can’t give you these ‘basics’ then stop chasing them and replace them: even with your own purpose, somebody who’s done the work and can start being real with you, or both.

Stay real out there,

If you want to work on growing real and you’re interested in coaching then book a free call with me to start taking real action.

Overcoming Distraction: How to Stop Using Escapism to Avoid the Void

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Men/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

The Wages of Distraction is an Unreal Life

In a world overflowing with entertainment, stimulation, and endless options for distraction, it’s never been easier to lose yourself in empty and meaningless activities that have nothing to do with your real purpose (and not the ‘good’ kind of “losing yourself” where you eventually find yourself):

One moment you’re checking your phone, the next you’re deep down the YouTube rabbit hole or bingeing a Netflix series for the three-thousandth consecutive evening.

You know it feels ‘wrong’ at some level because you know that you’re really only doing it to escape from your life or because you’re not quite sure what to do with it – either way, you attempt to justify it to yourself by saying that you “deserve a break”, that it’s “harmless”, or that “everyone’s doing it” (so it must be the ‘right’ thing to do – given the world is in such a great state and all).

Deep down, though, a quiet voice nags at you from down there in the Shadow Territory:

“Is this really the life I want?“, “Is this the REAL me?“, “Is my life really supposed to be like this?“.

What you don’t want to accept in those moments of endless doom scrolling and bingeing is that this voice is real and it’s asking the right questions.

It’s trying to wake you up and call you back home because the truth is that distraction isn’t just about relaxing or having a break.

It’s about wasting your life.

Distraction and escapism lead to lives of quiet desperation.

The Void Behind the Distraction

Every man carries the Void within him at some point in life – that sense of hollowness, of something missing – an itch that can’t be scratched or a restless feeling that something indescribable needs shaking up in a big way.

We often try to patch the void up with dopamine hits in an attempt to overcome it:

Social media, porn, video games, processed food, alcohol, drugs, mindless scrolling, gossip, even overworking or anything else you can think of.

(Literally anything can be used as a substitute for the truth (the only thing that can really fill the Void) – see my book which talks about this in detail: Trust: A Manual for Becoming The Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace).

Despite our best effort to fill the void with these things, our efforts prove to be fruitless and the void lingers in our lives like a dark cloud. It doesn’t even shrink. It just keeps growing.

And the reason is simple:

Distractions offer a release from being unreal with ourselves, not the relief of our own REALNESS.

In other words, they give us a momentary escape from the tension we feel when we’re living a life disconnected from the truth about ourselves, the world, and reality but they do nothing to resolve the cause of that tension – a detachment from realness.

And why are we detached from our realness in the first place?

It’s always because of shame.

Shame makes us hide behind the mask of the Ego. It makes us pretend. It convinces us that who we really are isn’t ‘enough’ and so we start constructing a false self in order to to ‘survive’ in the world without ever really feeling connected to it.

This may protect us in the short-term but the mask can’t feel real love, real joy, real meaning and so – instead – we chase substitutes in the form of distractions.

We do this so we don’t have to feel the grief of what we’ve lost: our REALNESS.

Addiction by Another Name

In my opinion, distraction is soft addiction.

It’s insidious because it doesn’t always look dangerous but over time distraction can eat away at our lives until we’re totally off course and have become detached from our own flow and potential:

Watching TV, scrolling Instagram, or even endlessly researching self-help tips doesn’t feel bad but what it costs you when you add up all those hours spent on such activities is enormous: your presence, your power, and your potential.

We simply don’t realise how much these small, daily habits keep us locked in stasis:

They might numb us from the friction we feel – the discomfort of living out of alignment with truth but even this is a small irony because we need that friction because it shows us where the work is to be done and where there’s room to grow.

It’s a compass pointing us back home but if we’re too busy distracting ourselves to look at it then we’ll just get more-and-more lost – only to find ourselves looking back at our lives one day and wondering where it all went wrong (there wasn’t a singular event – it was a death by a thousand cuts caused by years of distraction and escape instead of facing reality head-on and building with it).

The World Wants You Distracted

Let’s be honest: we live in a culture that profits off your pain, disconnection, and shame. It keeps you pacified and passive so that you’ll stay in your emotions, never really solve any of your problems, but keep endlessly scrolling and clicking on things to give you that temporary release.

Free entertainment isn’t really free. Free porn isn’t free. Free social media isn’t free.

As they old saying goes: “If the product is free, then YOU’RE the product”.

‘Free’ distraction always costs you something: your vitality and your purpose.

And the longer you choose escapism over embodiment, the harder it becomes to find your way back.

But the way back is always there because what’s real is always real.

The Real Choice: Become the Void

When you’re feeling the void, you’ve got two basic choices:

Distract yourself from it and stay stuck.
Become it and transform your life.

What does it mean to become the void?

It means you stop running and sit with the discomfort so that you can face what’s underneath and start to reconnect to your own raw humanity.

It means letting go of the mask and, in doing so, reconnecting to the natural drive toward wholeness that’s always unfolding as you unconscious mind tries to make itself conscious and connects you to life as a whole.

This isn’t a one-time moment. It’s a lifestyle that involves putting yourself in the process of life as a whole and building flow (rather than just distracting yourself with tiny fragments).

Becoming the void means trusting that your realness is enough, that your emotions are not your enemy (just e-motion, energy in motion), and that purpose is found not in escaping tension, but in walking through it and growing a little more real day-after-day.

Your Distractions Are a Mirror

A lot of the time, the things you reach for in times of stress or boredom are showing you what you’re avoiding:

That compulsion to pick up your phone when you’re alone? That’s a clue. That third coffee you didn’t need? Clue. That endless string of YouTube videos you’ve watched this week? Clue.

Ask yourself: What am I avoiding right now?

And more importantly: What would I be doing if I was living from my realness?

The gap between those two answers is the work.

(If you’re interested in coaching then, book a free call with me if you want to start resolving this tension within yourself).

How to Break Free from the Grip of Distraction

If you want to stop using distractions to avoid your pain, you’ll need to rewire how you relate to discomfort, identity, and purpose by learning to better manage your thoughts, regulate your nervous system, and create a sense of purpose in your life.

Here are three powerful strategies to help you get started:

1. Master Your Mind: Learn to Distinguish Real from Unreal Thoughts

Believe it or not, not every thought in your head belongs to you:

Many of them come from the conditioned self – the ego trying to protect you from feeling exposed as your unconditional self (realness). The more you believe these thoughts, the more power they have over you because they affect the way that you feel and act (which leads to whatever results you get).

Use tools like the Thought Log (a tool I use with coaching clients) to separate the lies from the truth. You can also just write down some of your thoughts throughout the day, label them as ‘real’ or ‘unreal’ and practice focusing only on the ones aligned with your purpose.

You’ll be shocked at how much mental clutter dissolves simply by getting your mind right.

2. Regulate Your Nervous System: Get Comfortable with Discomfort

If your body is always tense, you’ll always be looking for a quick release and distractions (and addictions) offer the fastest route to that.

Training your nervous system to feel safe in discomfort by engaging in activities like breathwork, cold exposure, yoga, and meditation can help you to stay regulated so that you’re way less likely to suffer the negative effects of carrying physical tension.

Take daily pauses. Breathe deeply. Practise slowing down. The calmer your nervous system becomes, the less you’ll crave artificial stimulation and the easier it is to avoid distractions.

3. Cultivate Purpose: Find the Thing Worth Suffering For

When your life has purpose, you don’t need distractions – you’re too busy living fully and you also know what you want and so it’s easier to stay disciplined.

Start by asking yourself: What kind of man do I want to be? What kind of impact do I want to have?

Then reverse-engineer your daily habits to align with that vision and create a routine for yourself that supports your growth from one day to the next.

Purpose isn’t found in your head – it’s found through action:

Serve others. Build something real. Move your body. Speak truthfully. Get uncomfortable.

Rinse and repeat.

The Voice of Distraction vs. The Voice of Truth

You’ve got two voices inside you:

One whispers, “Just one more episode. One more scroll. One more hit”.
The other says, “This isn’t who you are. I’m more real than this”.

The first is a Gremlin – a parasite feeding off your stagnation and keeping you where you don’t wanna be (by feeding on your unexpressed potential every time you choose distraction over opportunity).

The second is your Real Voice and your job is to listen for it and act on it.

Your real voice won’t shout or beg – it’s calm, clear, and true.

The more you obey it, the stronger it becomes.

Keep asking yourself: “Who am I becoming with this behaviour?” – the answer to this will show you if it’s real or not.

Distraction can be overcome by removing the unreal and focusing on the real.

Final Thoughts: Becoming a Man Who Doesn’t Need to Escape

You weren’t born to live a life of avoidance or escapism.

Nor were you born to be tame, compliant, or endlessly entertained and pacified.

You were born to live with courage and purpose.

Escapism is just a habit that can be unlearned and on the other side of it lies a life that’s actually worth living…your REAL life.

Don’t settle for a life that gives you temporary relief from being fake; create a life that gives you lasting freedom by being real.

The void isn’t your enemy. It’s your invitation.

Stay real out there,

If you’re struggling with distraction, interested in coaching, and want to shift back into your real life, then book a free call with me to get moving again.

How To Spot Control Freaks (Before They Pull You Into Their Drama)

Published on

Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships

Control Freakery is What Happens When a Shame-Driven Person Makes Somebody Else Believe that They’re In Control of Themselves

Have you ever had the feeling that you’re being slowly suffocated in a kind of emotional clingfilm? Everything looks shiny on the surface, but underneath, there’s a strange asphyxiation setting in.

Welcome to the world of the control freak.

They might come bearing flowers, compliments, and passionate attention – quoting Rumi and talking about cosmic connections – but, soon enough, the mask slips, the drama begins, and before you know it, you’re second-guessing yourself, apologising for things you didn’t do, and wondering if there’s something ‘wrong’ with you and asking yourself when you lost your spark.

Let’s be real: control freaks are everywhere.

They can be found in romantic relationships, friendships, families, work dynamics, and even spiritual communities. This means that spotting them early is a life skill we all need if we want to protect our peace and keep ourselves in the flow instead of banging our heads up against a brick wall.

What really drives this kind of control freakery? Why are they so invested in orchestrating everything and everyone around them? Why do they have to be ‘right’ about everything all the time? Why can’t they just learn to loosen up and enjoy life?

This article will answer all of these questions and more so you can smell control freakery a mile off and then do something about it (without being a control freak, of course).

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Control freaks need to possess because they can't appreciate

The Psychology Behind Control Freakery and Control Freaks

At the heart of control freakery lies one thing: shame.

Not the healthy kind that reminds you to apologise if you knock over someone’s cappuccino and then disappears – no, this is a deep, toxic and unresolved shame that tells someone they’re fundamentally unworthy, unlovable, and unsafe at the very level of their being.

Control freaks feel this kind of toxic shame to a much higher degree than the average person and the worst thing that they can imagine is having to actually face this shame (which is unfortunate because facing it is what makes it eventually dissolve).

This being the case, they project it onto others – desperately trying to manage their environment and the people in it to avoid triggering the shame lurking in the shadows.

It’s not so much about the people they try to control but about their fragile ego:

To keep the ego intact – which is what is keeping them from facing the shame – they need control, they need power…and they need you to play along.

That’s ultimately what control freakery is all about: making sure the narrative supports their ego so they don’t have to face the shame that hides behind it.

Red Flags: How Control Freaks Hook You In

There a number of common tactics that control freaks use to hook you in and make you easier to control (normally by getting you addicted to their good graces and then withdrawing their attention so that you’ll do their bidding in order to get it back).

Here are some common red flags to look out for:

1. Love Bombing

In the early stages, a control freak can be intoxicating (because you haven’t realised they’re trying to control you yet):

Think candlelit dinners, intense eye contact, grand declarations, and 47 texts before lunchtime – you’re their soulmate. You’ve changed their life. You’re special.

Unfortunately, this isn’t actually love – it’s just control in a glittery dress:

It ‘works’ because love bombing creates emotional dependence fast and you can end up giving them a sense of control before you realise what’s actually going on.

2. Gaslighting

Ever walked away from a conversation feeling like your brain was on backwards?

That’s gaslighting.

It’s when they deny, distort, or reframe reality to make you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity.

Control freaks use gaslighting as a weapon because it keeps you disoriented and easier to manipulate.

Suddenly, you’re the one apologising when they were out of line (because you started to believe their narrative instead of the actual truth).

3. The Chase and Withdraw Cycle

These people often operate like emotional fishermen:

First, they throw the line out with attention, flattery, and desire – then, once you bite, they pull back.

This is commonly known as the “push-pull game”.

This intermittent reinforcement keeps you addicted as you keep hoping for the warm version of them to return, not realising they’re controlling your emotional rhythm in order to get whatever it is that they want from you (which will always be to support their ego and to keep that shame at bay).

4. Control Masquerading As Care

If you bring attention to their control freakery, they’ll say it’s because they “worry about you” or they “just want what’s best” but what they really want is your COMPLIANCE.

“Are you really going to wear that? You look so much better in blue”.

“I don’t think you should hang out with them. They don’t really support you”.

“I’m just looking out for you. You overthink everything”.

It sounds like concern, but it’s really an attempt to dominate your choices and the way that you identity (which, again, will always be an identity that supports the narrative their ego needs to keep its place in their lives).

5. Victimhood Olympics

Control freaks are rarely self-aware – if you call them out, they might collapse into martyr mode:

“Oh, I’m the bad guy again,” or “I can never do anything right“.

By flipping the script like this, they avoid accountability and make you feel like the villain.

All this is is emotional manipulation dressed up as self-pity.

6. Micromanaging and Hypercriticism

Whether it’s your schedule, your tone of voice, or how you stack the dishwasher, control freaks need to have a say about it and what they usually say will be that there’s something ‘wrong’ about the way you’re doing whatever you’re doing.

This is hardly ever about the actual issue and is almost always about their own inner chaos being projected onto you (so they don’t have to face that shame).

In other words, it’s just more projection because by fixing your ‘flaws’ they can avoid facing their own and actually growing real.

7. Silent Treatment and Withholding

This is emotional manipulation 101:

When control freaks don’t get their way, they might go quiet, withdraw affection, or make you work for their attention. This is because they think you’re ‘hooked’ (which you might be) and that you’ll start dancing to their tune again to get another breadcrumb of affection from them.

This passive-aggressive strategy keeps you in emotional limbo, unsure of what you did ‘wrong’ and desperate to fix it.

This desperation is what they feed on because without it their control freakery wouldn’t have any power over you. This is why cultivating an abundance mindset is one of the ways to overcome these kinds of control freaks and to go and find healthier relationships instead (see this article for more about abundance mentality: The Abundance Mindset: Don’t Chase It, Attract it).

Why You Get Pulled In

If you’ve ever found yourself drawn to a control freak, don’t beat yourself up:

Often, it’s because they mirror something familiar from childhood – a parent who made love conditional, or a caregiver who only approved of you when you behaved a certain way.

These dynamics tap into your attachment wounds – the part of you that wants to be chosen, seen, and loved ends up tolerating manipulation because it feels like home.

But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy – it’s just familiar and something that your ego has found itself being built upon.

The Shadow Dance

In Jungian terms, we all have a shadow self – the unconscious parts of us we’d rather not admit to:

Control freaks are locked in the shadow dance: projecting their fear, shame, and inner chaos onto others to avoid facing it in themselves.

The thing is that if you stay in this dance, you’ll just end up losing your own rhythm. Their need for control becomes your daily chaos.

Practical Tips: How To Protect Yourself

1. Don’t Get Hypnotised By Intensity

Intensity is not intimacy – just because someone is expressive and attentive doesn’t mean they’re emotionally safe. Take your time and watch for consistency.

2. Trust Your Gut

If something feels off, it probably is. Your nervous system often knows the truth before your brain does. If you feel drained, confused, or like you’re walking on eggshells, pay attention because this is your body’s way of telling you that the control freak in your life is a threat and not a person you can be safe and real around.

3. Name What You See

Bring the behaviour into the light. “I noticed that when I said no, you gave me the silent treatment which seems disrespectful to me”. If they deflect or attack, that tells you everything you need to know.

4. Set Boundaries Early

Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re doors with locks. If someone resents your boundaries or tries to bypass them, they’re showing you they’re not safe and that they’re own ego is more important than the relationship.

5. Refuse The Guilt Bait

Control freaks love using guilt to manipulate and to make you feel obliged to buy into their game:

Don’t bite. You’re not responsible for someone else’s emotions, expectations, or unhealed wounds (though that doesn’t mean hurt them on purpose – just that facing them is their responsibility).

6. Don’t Try To Fix Them

You can offer compassion but you can’t do their inner work for them. Trying to save or change a control freak often backfires and pulls you deeper into their web. In fact, trying to ‘fix’ or ‘rescue’ people might be one of the reasons that you keep getting locked in this dynamic in the first place.

7. Seek Support

Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or a brutally honest friend, get someone in your corner who can help you stay grounded and see things clearly so you can create a solid strategy for overcoming the unhealthy effects of control freakery.

8. Walk Away If You Need To

Sometimes the healthiest choice is distance. You’re not cruel for walking away from manipulation – you’re just keeping it REAL.

A sacred mantra I like to use when it comes to relationships is “Gimme something real or GFTO”.

A control freak relies on you saying yes to them but no to yourself.

Final Thoughts

Control freaks are not inherently evil. Most are just scared, shame-driven people trying to manage their inner turmoil by managing the world. around them.

But that doesn’t mean you should let them manage you.

Your peace, your power, and your clarity matter – you weren’t born to be someone else’s coping mechanism but to be the REALEST possible version of yourself.

Stay aware. Stay grounded. And always, always choose connection over control – especially when that means choosing it within yourself.

Stay real out there,

If you keep finding yourself in relationships with control freaks then you probably need to work on some of your own ‘stuff’ – if you’re interested in coaching, then book a free call with me to get started.

Loneliness and Men: Why Men Are Struggling to Connect

Published on

Life Philosophy/Men/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships/Shadow Life

The Epidemic of Disconnection, Fragmentation, and Purposelessness

We’ve all heard about the irony of the modern world:

There has never been more technology aimed at connecting us and yet men have never felt more alone and disconnected from themselves and each other.

We scroll through feeds, swipe through dating apps, get in endless textual relationships, spend all night on video calls, and send emojis instead of expressing anything real (with actual words).

All of this distraction can even be ‘fun’ sometimes and even feed into our egos but – when the noise dies down and the screen fades to black – many men are left facing a silence they can’t quite explain: the heavy emptiness of the Void and the loneliness that this brings.

This is no longer just a side issue or a ‘cultural talking point’ – it’s a modern epidemic and it’s getting worse and worse.

Let’s dig a little deeper into this issue and what we can start to DO about it.

Loneliness vs. Solitude (Ego vs. Realness)

The first thing that we need to understand to make sense of all this is that there’s an important distinction between loneliness and solitude:

Loneliness is being alone with your ego – the echo chamber of unprocessed shame and the internal critic’s greatest hits on loop. In this sense, loneliness isn’t just the experience of being cut of from others but also being cut off from your self.

Solitude, on the other hand, is a sacred place for real growth: It’s where you reconnect with the part of you that isn’t posturing or pretending and where you can taste your own realness. It’s where the mask slips off and you remember who you really are.

In solitude, you are alone with purpose; in loneliness, you are alone with pain.

Most men spend their lives avoiding solitude because they confuse it with loneliness but, paradoxically, the less solitude you have, the more likely you are to be lonely because you’re never really with yourself.

And if you’re not with yourself, how can you ever truly be with anyone else?

The Hidden Root: Disconnection from Purpose Leads to Male Loneliness

At the heart of male loneliness lies something deeper than unmet social needs: disconnection from one’s real purpose.

A man who doesn’t know his purpose is a man who feels lost – even in a crowd.

Many men today are living on autopilot, ticking boxes handed down by society:

Career, money, fitness, sex, status…but these are all surface-level pursuits (which means you could pursue and even achieve all of them without ever learning about your own realness).

If your life is not aligned with something real, you’ll feel the absence of that realness in every interaction and this will be projected out into the world around you:

You’ll attract people who match your mask, not your soul; you’ll be surrounded, but unknown – and that’s the most painful flavour of loneliness there is.

Purpose is magnetic because when a man reconnects with truth and acts on his purpose, he naturally attracts those with similar values, interests, and mindsets. That’s when a real tribe starts to form – not from effort, but from alignment.

Ego and the Shadow Self: The Great Saboteurs

So why do so many men stay disconnected from purpose?

It’s because it’s buried behind the Ego and hidden in the Shadow:

The ego is the part of us that wants to look good, win approval, and avoid shame at all costs. It builds a persona designed to be liked, admired, and accepted.

On the other hand, the shadow is everything that we have to disown or hide to keep the illusion of the ego in place: the fears, doubts, wounds, and insecurities we’d rather not face but also some of the more ‘positive’ things like our true goals, values, qualities, and emotions (the shadow can be comprised of both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’).

Most men construct their identity to avoid the shadow but the paradox is that your real purpose is often hidden inside the very parts of yourself you’ve rejected. Until you face your fears, your loneliness isn’t going anywhere. Because the people you’re meant to connect with can’t see you – only the mask that you wear in order to keep hiding.

In short, you can’t form real bonds while wearing armour because intimacy requires realness and vulnerability. These things can’t exist with ego and this is the main reason so many people find themselves being lonely: thing think they are the ego and forget that it’s just something that they have and can change any time they like.

Loneliness and the Transactional Mindset

There’s another reason men feel disconnected: we’ve been conditioned to treat relationships as transactions and so we look at things in terms of tit-for-tat instead of realness.

Modern culture is obsessed with ‘value’:

We’re told to optimise everything – including ourselves and so dating advice becomes a marketing strategy and friendships are evaluated based on utility and social capital before the basic human level of connection. Even spirituality is sold like a lifestyle brand and about using God as a kind of vending machine to get whatever you want by pressing the right buttons (read more about this kind of spiritual bullsh*ttery here: SPIRITUAL BULLSH*T & DIVINE NARCISSISM).

The result? We show up looking to get, not to give.

But real connection doesn’t work like that.

Loneliness thrives when we approach others thinking, “What can I get from you?” but real connection happens when we ask things like “How can I give you something real?“.

When you lead with presence instead of performance, people feel it and can relax around you and be real and authentic in return.

This means that the right ones respond to you and the rest fall away – which is good, because they were never your people to begin with.

What you’re left with is your tribe.

Real Connection Requires Realness

Most men say they want deeper relationships but what they actually want is to feel safe being real (because that’s what a ‘deep’ relationship is: one or more people being real together).

You don’t get there by chasing connection. You get there by becoming someone who lives from truth.

That basically means:

Dropping the act.
Being honest about your struggles.
Speaking from the heart, not from the script.
Valuing presence over polish.
Giving and receiving, not just taking.

This often means being the first to go deep, even when it feels risky and being the first to name the thing nobody else wants to name. The first to say, “I feel that too” and shining some light onto those places that people fear because of the darkness (even though they’re completely real and just being avoided because of everybody’s shadow ‘stuff’).

Sure, this can be super uncomfortable but it’s also powerful because realness is magneticL

It also leads the way to others diving in and doing the same.

And that’s when connection happens – not through performance, but through the resonance of realness meeting realness.

The Power of Brotherhood

Loneliness often feels like a personal failure that reflects on us badly in some way (another reason that loneliness is usually time spent alone with our ego instead of our realness).

But it’s not. It’s systemic. The truth is that modern life isolates men because – for whatever reason – we’re not taught how to build brotherhood.

Instead, we’re taught how to compete, how to tough it out, and how to do it all alone (even though nobody is really alone in reality so it’s a flawed strategy to facing life in a real way).

The truth is that men are not meant to live in isolation because we’re tribal creatures:

We’re meant to grow alongside other men who challenge us (“iron sharpens iron”), witness us, and walk with us through the fire.

A real brotherhood doesn’t demand perfection – it demands presence.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, ask yourself:

Where are the men I can be real with?

And if you don’t have that yet, be the one to create something: Start a group. Share your truth first. Reach out. Take the risk.

Because the alternative is spiritual starvation and that’s the loneliest thing in the world.

Practical Steps to Reconnect

Here are some ways to move from loneliness to connection:

1. Reclaim Solitude

Stop avoiding time alone with your ego. Instead, make space for solitude that’s intentional and linked to your purpose, not passive. Go for a walk without your phone. Sit in silence. Journal without a goal. Let the noise settle so you can hear what’s underneath and figure out your next real moves.

2. Audit Your Life for Realness

Where are you being fake to gain approval? Where are you hiding parts of yourself? Get honest about where the mask is still running the show and begin to take it off, bit by bit. This is Shadow Work and will level you up hard because it will help you integrate whatever you’ve been avoiding that is actually essential for you to feel real.

3. Create, Don’t Consume

Instead of numbing loneliness with distractions, channel it into creativity:

Write, build, move, make.

When you give something real, you reconnect with yourself and others feel it.

4. Join or Build a Men’s Circle

This can be life-changing. Spaces where men speak openly and without judgement are rare but they are growing.

Don’t wait to be invited or give up if this is something you know will serve you: If you can’t find one, create one. All it takes is a minimum of two men and a willingness to be honest.

5. Shift from Transactional to Relational

Next time you speak to someone, drop the agenda. Focus on PRESENCE instead and listen deeply. Only speak if it’s real. If connection is your intention instead of acquisition the whole dynamic shifts.

6. Lead with Vulnerability

This is a superpower because the more real you are, the more you magnetise others who are ready to meet you there. Yes, some people will reject it (because of their shadow etc.) But those aren’t your people so whatever – keep going.

7. Reconnect With Your Purpose

Ask yourself: What would I be doing if I wasn’t afraid? What do I feel called to give, not just get? Start small but start acting. Purpose isn’t a grand performance – it’s a quiet returning to truth that will help you grow more real every day.

Loneliness is a consequence of blocking ourselves from our own realness.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

If you’re a man struggling with loneliness, hear this:

You’re broken, you’re not weak and you’re definitely not the only one.

What’s actually happening is that you’re living in a culture that taught you to hide, to numb yourself with distractions, and to perform instead of acting from purpose.

But that’s not the end of the story:

You are also ashamed of your REALNESS and this is preventing you from acting in the world in a real way that will connect you to your people.

The moment you begin to choose solitude over self-abandonment, realness over ego, and presence over performance is the moment you start to reconnect – not just with others but also with your self.

This is when everything changes because the opposite of loneliness isn’t company. It’s realness.

And that’s what the modern man is truly starving for.

Stay real out there,

I can help you to shift away from loneliness and into your real purpose – book a free call with me to get started.

The Emptiness of Success: It’s Time to Get Real and Find Significance Instead

Published on

Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Personal Revolutions/Relationships

Why Chasing Success Leaves You Empty (and What to Do Instead)

Well, it’s the 21st century and we’re all still playing a rigged game where there seems to only be one rule:

Chase success.

Get the car, get the house, get the perfect partner, get the clout, get the curated life, post it all online, wait for a few ‘likes’ to come in, and then repeat.

Maybe this feels good here-and-there – but only very briefly until the Void creeps back in – and then it’s back to the same old hamster wheel of rinsing and repeating because we don’t know any other way even though something feels… off.

Ever wondered why that is?

‘Success’, as it’s sold to us and we’re conditioned to believe in it, is usually just an endless ego-feeding loop (but, unfortunately, the ego is unreal and so are the results that we get when we’re motivated by it):

This loop promises meaning, fulfilment, happiness but more often than not it just delivers burnout, comparison, and a creeping sense of existential dread.

So let’s pause the hustle-and-bustle for a moment and ask ourselves a better question.

What if the problem isn’t that you haven’t succeeded yet but that you’re chasing the wrong thing?

What if there’s another way?

Let’s dig deeper because this article will show you that there is:

Real success comes from being significant.

Success vs. Significance

There’s a quote attributed to leadership coach John Maxwell that says:

“Success is when you add value to yourself. Significance is when you add value to others.”

And right there, ladies and gentlemen, we have a truth bomb:

Success can be satisfying in the short-term for sure – it feels good to hit goals, get the recognition, and check things off the vision board.

Sadly, this feeling rarely sticks:

The buzz fades. The bar shifts, and suddenly, you’re back on the treadmill wondering why you don’t feel better.

When we aim for significance, on the other hand, our goals, ambitions, and the outcomes we achieve are planted with much deeper roots because they emerge not from the ego’s hunger for applause, but from our REALNESS.

When you come from this place, you know that you’ve added something real to the lives of others and that – by doing so – added something real to your own.

It’s about the difference between a short-term shot of dopamine at having achieved some goal for the sake of itself versus a long-term flow of understanding that comes from doing that changes you and the world around you (by making yourself and the world a little bit more real).

Real Fulfilment Comes From Interdependence

There’s a reason volunteering boosts your mental health or why people often find joy not in buying something, but in building something that helps someone else.

Being significant to others makes us feel significant to ourselves.

Even Jesus said that it’s more blessed to give than to receive.

This is not the same as people-pleasing or approval-seeking – it’s a deeper truth about how we’re wired as social, relational, interdependent creatures.

The illusion of the isolated, hyper-successful lone wolf is just that – an illusion because nobody ‘succeeds’ without having other people involved in some way, shape, or form.

You are not a silo, you’re a system and the more aligned you are with the reality of this, the better your outcomes – not just materially, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

This idea sits at the heart of the REALNESS philosophy I coach and live by. It’s all about integration and the growth towards wholeness instead of the fragmentation that comes with ego.

We can’t be whole without embracing our connection to others at the deepest level – without acknowledging that we’re not independent but interdependent.

When you can understand that you can see the difference between ‘success’ and ‘significance’.

Significance Is Realness In Action

Significance is what happens when your values become valuable – not just to you, but to the people around you (as it says in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness: “Make your values valuable to others“).

When we consciously live like this and design a vision around making our values more valuable to the world around us, our gifts become an act of service. Your authenticity becomes impact, you stop trying to be ‘special’ and instead become useful by solving problems that only you can solve or helping people to grow based on whatever you might have been through in your own life.

This is when something strange might start to happen:

People start to notice. Because now, you’re relevant to them and their lives.

You’re significant because you’ve taken the focus of yourself and your ego.

Here’s an unfiltered truth that can change your life forever if you grasp it fully:

No one cares about your feelings, your ambitions, or your talents unless they connect to something they care about.

That’s not cynicism but the beautiful reality. Your inner world is valuable to you (to state the obvious) but its true value becomes real when it resonates outward, echoing through other people’s needs, struggles, and desires.

In other words, your ego doesn’t make you significant. Your impact does.

And, like we said, that comes from your realness.

Meaning Is Manufactured, Not Mined

Let’s go philosophical for a second and ask one of the timeless questions that human beings have been asking themselves forever:

“Is life inherently meaningful?”

Arthur Schopenhauer certainly didn’t think so. He argued that if life had intrinsic meaning, we wouldn’t feel boredom which is just an experience of life without anything going on.

When you think about it, boredom is a signal to remind us that without goals, connection, or direction, life can feel painfully empty. In other words, that without a purpose or vision then life will always seem meaningless.

(Unless we’re totally enlightened or something, of course – then we can transcend the mundane emptiness of living out our lives in duality and cause-and-effect).

This is because ‘meaning’ isn’t out there waiting to be discovered like some buried treasure – instead, it’s manufactured. It comes from how you relate to the world, how you engage with others, and what you CHOOSE to build with your time here.

The Mount Fuji Problem

Let me illustrate with a story:

When I lived in Japan, I used to be obsessed with Mount Fuji. From a distance, it’s absolutely stunning – literally iconic, symmetrical, snow-capped and mysterious. But the closer you get, the more you realise it’s… well, a pile of ash. An inspiring pile of ash, sure, but still. Ash is ash.

Once you climb it, you realise that the real beauty is no longer the mountain – it’s the view from either the distance or from the top.

This is an exact illustration of what happens with ego-driven goals:

From afar, they look perfect but the closer you get, the more you see the cracks and realise that they can never fill that Void inside you. In fact, by the time you reach them, you’re already thinking about what’s next. Meaning dissolves, the horizon moves, and you’re back on that hamster wheel.

It’s not the goal that gives life meaning but engaging in the process of building flow as you move towards the goal and the growth and giving embedded in the journey toward something bigger than you.

The Mona Lisa Principle

The same principle applies to art too:

The Mona Lisa is breath-taking until you stand nose-to-canvas and all you can see is cracked paint. The point isn’t to be the Mona Lisa. The point is to see the art in the broader picture. When you’re too close, you miss the real beauty.

That’s the trap of ego-led success: it’s a painting viewed from an inch away. You need perspective. You need connection.

And that’s why you need to aim for significance instead of just ‘success’.

Awareness → Acceptance → Action

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay, this hits… but now what?”, then my coaching framework might be able to help you take it up a notch or two.

These three steps will always take you deeper into whatever transformation you’re working on in your life (book a call with me if you’d like to see how you can apply this to whatever you’re working on right now):

1. Awareness (Deconstruct Ego)

Notice where your life is being driven by ego-based ideas of success:

What are you chasing and who told you it mattered?

Who are you trying to impress?

Are your goals an expression of your wholeness or an attempt to run away from some void?

2. Acceptance (Integrate Shadow)

Own the fact that success (as defined by others) may not fulfil you and that there’s probably something more REAL waiting inside you to be unleashed.

Having different standards to society isn’t ‘failure’ – it’s freedom. It means you’re waking up.

Accept that fulfilment requires a new orientation towards realness, service, and connection and start uncovering the emotional and mental blocks that might be keeping you from this.

3. Action (Trust Yourself and Life)

Shift your direction and start taking REAL action:

Ask yourself:

How can I add value to someone else today?
How can I make my values valuable to others?
Where can I contribute instead of only ever consuming?
.

You don’t need to be a monk or a messiah to live meaningfully. You just need to matter -to someone, somewhere, in some way that echoes beyond you and is real and authentic to who you truly are.

Why This Matters Now

We live in an age of disconnection and fragmentation:

Everyone’s “connected” but few feel really ‘seen‘ in their wholeness. We’re all surrounded by talk of success but starving for shared purpose. We celebrate influencers, but rarely ask what they’re influencing us towards (hint: it’s usually ego and spiritual bullsh*ttery).

What we really need is a recalibration and a return to realness.

The greatest leverage point we all have here is to let go of the self-importance of isolated success and to choose the realness of interdependence.

Practical Ways to Move from Success to Significance

Ready to take this from theory to practice? Here are five ways to start right now:

1. Audit Your Goals

Write down your top three goals. For each, ask:

Who does this benefit?
What need am I meeting for myself and others?
Would this still matter if no one praised me for it?
What values are embodied in this?

If your goals are mainly ego-driven, recalibrate and step into your realness.

2. Do One Significant Thing Each Day

This could be mentoring someone, solving a problem for a client, checking in deeply with a friend, or simply sharing something honest and helpful. Make it a habit to be there for others in some way.

3. Flip Your To-Do List

Instead of “What do I need to get done today?” ask:

“What value can I add today?”

The energy behind those questions is radically different and so are the results.

4. Spend Time With Real People Who You Can Be Real With

Avoid echo chambers of ego and insecurity and seek out people who hold you accountable to your real values and who remind you of who you are beneath the image.

Remember that iron sharpens iron and find ways to sharpen yourself for significance.

5. Work With Someone Who Can Guide You Back to Realness

This isn’t a solo journey and transformation doesn’t happen in isolation – we’re all interdependent, after all.

It happens in dialogue, in relationship, in commitment to change.

If you’re serious about rewiring your life towards significance and wholeness so that you can grow real, then you may initially need support.

That’s what I do. And if this article spoke to you, we should probably talk.

Significance will come to you when you make your values valuable to others.

Final Thoughts

Success might look good on paper but significance feels better in your bones.

Stop climbing mountains made of ash and start building bridges that last – the world doesn’t need another shiny version of success. It needs more people becoming real and – from that realness – creating a life that actually means something.

Stay real out there,

I can help you to build a life that feels real – book a call with me to get started.

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number thirty in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Emotionally Immature People: Seeking Power Over Connection

Published on

Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Relationships/Shadow Life

Emotionally immature people play games to keep you under control

On Not Letting Emotionally Immature People Ruin Your Life

Let’s be real from the get-go:

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling like you’re playing emotional Twister with someone – pulled up close one minute and then shoved away the next – then you’ve likely dealing with somebody who fears real intimacy.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with this as intimacy can be a pretty fear-inducing thing sometimes (seeing as it asks us to let go of our masks and illusions etc.) and so these ‘Twister Players’ aren’t necessarily ‘bad’ people – they’re often just deeply wounded and, as the old saying goes, hurt people hurt people.

Nevertheless these wounds might be a reason but they’re never an excuse and they can still cause relationships to be twisted into endlessly tangled games of control, confusion, and pain.

At the heart of all this is a simple but brutal truth:

Emotionally immature people don’t want connection as much as they want power and control.

This isn’t because they’re evil masterminds (not always, anyway) but because they’re terrified:

Terrified of vulnerability; terrified of facing their own emotions; and terrified of being truly ‘seen‘.

This article will explore why emotionally immature people tend to chase power and control rather than connection, how the dance between the Ego and the Shadow Self plays into it, and what you can do if you find yourself entangled in one of these painful dynamics and want to set yourself free.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Emotionally immature people fear intimacy because intimacy involves a lack of control

What Is Emotional Immaturity, Really?

Before we begin, let’s make a point not confuse emotional immaturity with naivety or light-heartedness:

Emotional immaturity isn’t about being playful, young at heart, or being in touch with your ‘inner child‘ -instead, it’s about an inability – or plain unwillingness – to face and process emotions in a healthy, conscious, and REAL way.

Essentially what this means is that emotionally immature people often haven’t developed the internal tools to regulate their own discomfort, communicate with honesty, or take accountability for their actions.

Instead, they try to manage their internal chaos by controlling their external world – most often, the people in it – so that they can keep their Ego (accepted self-image) in place and keep whatever is going for them in reality at bay.

The most common and seductive way emotionally immature people attempt to gain this kind of control over the world is tor try and acquire power.

Let’s explore this a bit more:

Why Power Feels Safer Than Connection

To really connect with another human being is to really be ‘seen’ and to be seen is to be vulnerable.

This is ‘good’ news if we have any degree of mastery over our emotional ‘stuff’ and our own inner world but ‘bad’ news when your emotional world is filled with unprocessed pain, fear, and shame.

For someone who has spent their life avoiding their inner wounds – perhaps due to childhood neglect, trauma, or shame-based conditioning and identification – emotional closeness can feel like standing naked in the middle of a battlefield.

This being the case, people who feel this way end up protecting themselves the only way they know how: by attempting to staying in charge (by any means necessary).

What this all boils down to is a simple principle:

Power lets them stay above you, rather than beside you.

If they’re ‘above’ you, they can’t be abandoned; if they’re ‘above’ you, they don’t have to feel their shame; if they’re ‘above’ you, they can keep pretending they’re safe.

The problem, though, is that “above” – in this context – is an illusion and if you let them drag you into it then you’re whole life becomes unreal.

The Shadow Dance (Ego vs. Shadow)

This is where the Shadow Dance comes in (see my book Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World for much more about the mechanics of the shadow self).

In short, it goes like this:

The Ego – the conscious self we like to present to the world wants to be seen as desirable, in control, lovable, even evolved but the Shadow – the unconscious storehouse of everything we reject or suppress (both ‘good’ and ‘bad’) holds the opposite: everything that’s actually REAL about us (because the ego itself isn’t real – it’s just a filter that we view reality through).

This is important to understand because emotionally immature people often project a highly-curated version of themselves, especially at the beginning of a relationship. This highly-curated version is just an extremely rigid ego-identity that they’ve created in order to hide from all of the emotions that they’ve sent into hiding into the Shadow Territory (often unconsciously based on whatever they went through in the past).

Because they really need you to see them in alignment with this curated self-image (so they can keep hiding from themselves), they put a number of control strategies to overwhelm you and to suck you into the myth they need to build around themselves:

You might’ve experienced some of these things yourself in romantic relationships:

Love bombing where they shower you with affection, intensity, and promises of forever.

Sex Bombing where you get to taste mind-blowing chemistry, fantasy-fuelled passion, and an inexplicable magnetic pull that convinces you this person must be ‘The One’.

Of course, love and amazing sex can both be incredibly real but when it comes to emotionally immature people it’s never about real intimacy.

It’s a performance designed to get you hooked:

They aren’t bonding. They’re baiting.

Once you’re hooked – emotionally invested, vulnerable in pursuit of more affection, attention, or whatever else you got hooked to, and perhaps even trauma-bonded – they flip the script.

Suddenly, they become cold, distant, upset at every little thing, and hard to read – they withdraw affection, start criticising, create confusion.

What’s messed up is that this isn’t random or just a case of a crazy person being crazy.

No, it’s strategic.

Just like a cat playing with a mouse, they enjoy the power of knowing they’ve ‘got’ you because it soothes their insecurity and keeps that shame at bay (though it’s always following them around like a ghost).

Once it reaches this stage, you’ve entered a part of the game where you simply can’t ‘win’ – you care more than they do.

You’re off-balance but they feel strong.

As far as they’re concerned they’ve got you exactly where they want you to be and you can now serve your purpose as being the supply of attention and validation they need to keep that shame and other emotional ‘stuff’ hidden from view.

You might have thought you’d found love but you found a dance between your ego (the thing that made you buy into the illusion) and theirs (the thing that made them act in this way).

Unfortunately, real love requires real self-awareness…and they haven’t got there yet.

(And if you’re in this situation, it might be worth asking yourself if you’re there or not too).

Communication or Obfuscation?

One of the most maddening things about emotionally immature people is their inability to communicate directly:

If you’ve ever tried to have a serious conversation with someone like this, you’ll know it often feels like trying to nail jelly to a wall whilst you go round in circles and lose your wits.

A typical argument or even just discussion will go like this:

They dodge the truth.

They avoid accountability.

They use manipulation and ambiguity to protect themselves from being ‘exposed’ (because that ego is protecting them).

They will pretty much say and do anything to avoid facing their inner reality which is the very thing they’re trying to outrun.

Instead of talking it out, they’ll drag you into all kinds of things you don’t want to be dragged into:

They’ll become passive-aggressive.
They’ll flip the script and make you the problem (even if you literally haven’t done anything).
They’ll ghost, gaslight, or guilt-trip you and anything else that makes you think you’re the problem.
They’ll create drama to distract from the real issue and to deflect any truth that may be coming their way.

Whatever the technique they use, you can be sure that the aim isn’t resolution – it’s self-protection.

Love Bomb, Withdraw, Repeat

Let’s look closer at the classic pattern many emotionally immature people use to get people ‘hooked’ and then get power and control over them:

The Hook

At first, they come on strong – you’ll feel like you’ve met your soulmate because they mirror your values, interests, and aspirations, say all the right things, and want to see you all the time.

They might even talk about future plans very early on (which – if they have no intention of acting on these plans – is called future faking).
The Shift

Suddenly, something feels ‘off’ (to put it lightly):

They pull away and become vague; they stop complimenting you and start criticising literally every little thing that you do. They cancel plans at the last minute and their attention starts to dry up as the love bombing begins to fade (because they know you’re ‘hooked’).

You start to feel anxious and confused, like you’ve done something wrong (even though you probably haven’t – though, of course, you should always be open to looking at yourself).
The Manipulation

You reach out, try to connect, and try reignite a conversation or to talk about what the problem might be:

Maybe they give you some breadcrumbs – just enough to keep you hoping and trying to win them over. Or they might criticise you for being “too much” or “needy”.

You internalise it and try harder to please them but this is totally pointless because it’s a game that you’ve been set up to lose from the get-go.
The Power Trip

At this stage you’re officially ‘hooked’:

You’ve lost your centre and they have emotional power over you (and know it).

Most likely, they’ll never fully return to the version of themselves you first met because this was a carefully created version of themselves based on the cues you gave them about who you are and what you’re looking for in life.

They’ll keep playing with you like a cat toying with a mouse so they’ll give you just enough hope to keep you invested (by occasionally giving you a glimpse of that version you got hooked to in the first place).

All they really want is for you to keep chasing them because it soothes their fear of abandonment and keeps that Ego in place and the shame at bay.

This isn’t love. It’s emotional theatre.

And it’s all designed to keep them from having to face the one person they fear most: themselves.

The Real Reason They Fear Intimacy

Let’s strip this back to the root again:

Shame.

Emotionally immature people often carry deep-rooted unresolved, toxic shame – a belief that they’re fundamentally flawed, bad, or broken at the very core of their being.

This existential kind of shame creates a deeply rooted assumption that if they were truly known or ‘seen’, they’d be rejected.

So they wear a mask and try and get everybody else to act like it’s the real thing by using the kind of controlling behaviour we’ve been talking about.

This means that they only show parts of themselves they think are ‘safe’ to reveal – if they show anything at all.

And the parts they believe are unlovable? Those go into hiding, buried beneath defence mechanisms, manipulations, mind games to keep people chasing them, and a fortress of emotional avoidance.

Ironically, what they fear most – rejection – is what they eventually cause to happen to them with their behaviour.

Usually, they don’t have the maturity to connect the dots and so the cycle just continues over-and-over again until they either hit rock bottom or they lose something irreplaceable and have a wake up call (and even in these cases many emotionally immature people will still keep blaming the world and refuse to look at themselves).

Are Emotionally Immature People Narcissists?

Not necessarily. Narcissism is one possible outcome of emotional immaturity, but not the only one.

Many emotionally immature people aren’t grandiose or attention-seeking – they might be avoidant, passive-aggressive, or people-pleasing and have some narcissistic traits without being a full-blown narcissist.

What they do have in common is this:

They can’t handle emotional honesty. Not with themselves, and definitely not with you.

What You Can Do

Whether this is a parent, a partner, a boss, or a friend – if you’re in the orbit of someone emotionally immature, you need to ground yourself in reality because the bottom line is that they won’t.

Here are some tips:

1. Stop Playing the Game

Recognise the pattern we discussed above (love bomb, withdraw, repeat):

If you feel like you’re always chasing closeness, always confused, always the one trying to fix things then you’re probably in the game.

Step out because the only way to ‘win’ is to stop playing.

2. Strengthen Your Centre

Emotionally immature people thrive on destabilising others because it makes them feel powerful (they want you off-balance so they can feel steady and in control).

Reclaim your power by reconnecting to your realness – your boundaries, your values, your voice.

Start putting yourself first and learn to stay regulated and in control of your nervous system and the way that you interact with the world.

3. Don’t Chase Clarity From Chaos

You won’t get emotional honesty from someone who’s running from themselves because their words will often contradict their actions.

Trust the pattern, not the promises they make or the things that they say to appease you and try to bring you back into the game.

4. Hold Them Accountable Without Expecting Change

You can bring attention to their behaviour but don’t expect them to suddenly become emotionally fluent. The goal isn’t to change them – it’s to stop being manipulated by them.

Sometimes, it’s best not to say anything and to find a way to move on because they can’t take any accountability in many cases and will just flip it back on you somehow.

Again, accept that this is a game that you can’t ‘win’ so don’t play.

5. Work On Your Own Triggers

If this dynamic hooked you, then you probably have some work that you need to do on your own emotional ‘stuff’:

Often, emotionally immature people magnetise others who carry their own unresolved wounds -especially around abandonment, self-worth, or co-dependency.

Healing those parts by working on your own Shadow Dance (between the Ego and the Shadow) will make you immune to the game because you’ll become more REAL.

(And it’s only the unreal ‘parts’ of you causing you to get locked into the game).

Emotionally immature people are often terrified of themselves (even more than the average person)

Final Thoughts

Emotionally immature people don’t seek connection – they seek refuge from themselves and they’ll use you to do it.

The more afraid they are of intimacy, the more likely they are to try and control the relationship rather than participate in it.

Understanding this doesn’t mean you excuse the behaviour but it can help you stop personalising it because – at the end of the day – their emotional avoidance isn’t a reflection of your unworthiness but a reflection of their fear.

The moment you stop trying to decode them, fix them, or get back to the version of them you thought was the real deal – you free yourself.

Stay real out there,

If you’re dealing with any of the issues discussed in this article then book a call with me and I can help you find a way forward.

Life Philosophy - Page 3

How the Fragmentation of the Self May Lead to Issues in Later Life

The Psyche’s Escape Hatch

When the Body Becomes a Prison

The Real Risk: Refusing to Change

REALNESS as Preventative Soul Care

1. Awareness

2. Acceptance

3. Action

Practical Ways to Stay Whole and Avoid Unnecessary Fragmentation

1. Practice Daily Reality Check-Ins

2. Process Grief Regularly

3. Ritualise Changes in Your Life

4. Stretch the Trust Muscle

5. Update Your Identity Often

The Bigger Picture: Living and Dying Whole

Real Life Transformation Comes from Changing What You Love, Not What You Believe

The Problem With Mindset-Only Transformation

Love and the Fragmented Self

The Shadow, the Ego, and the Illusion of Salvation

Where Your Treasure Is…

The Nervous System and the Transformation Trap

So What Do You Love?

The REAL Work: Where is Your Treasure?

Drama in Relationships and What to Do About It

What We’ll Cover in this Article

The Seduction of Drama in Relationships

What is an Unreal Relationship and Why Do they Cause Drama?

Why We Get Addicted to the Unreal and Drama in Relationships

1. Shame and Unworthiness

2. Egoic Validation

3. Unhealed Attachment Wounds

4. Addiction to Intensity

How to Know You’re Addicted to Drama in Relationships (Signs and Symptoms)

What Real Love Looks (and Feels) Like

Why Drama Feels Like Love But Isn’t

The Ego in the Drama

Breaking Free from Drama in Relationships (and the Addiction it Brings)

1. Name the Pattern

2. Regulate Your Nervous System

3. Reclaim Your Power

4. Get Curious About the Real

5. Build Self-Trust

Final Thoughts – Drama in Relationships? It’s Time to Get Real

Realness, Presence, and Purpose are Deeply Intertwined

What Is Presence, Really?

Why Men Struggle with Presence

What Happens When You’re Not Present?

The Masculine Power of Presence

Presence: The Portal to Potential

How to Cultivate Presence: The Three Levels

1. Master the Mind

2. Regulate the Nervous System

3. Live with Purpose

Three Practices to Start Today

Final Thoughts: The Return to Realness

Why People Get Addicted to The Push-Pull Game and Chasing Instead of Replacing

The Myth of “Love Hurts”

The Push-Pull: Ego Meets Ego

The Cycle: Why You Keep Chasing Emotional Unavailability

The Chase Dynamic: More Than Just a Game—It’s an Addiction

Red Flags: How To Spot the Chase Dynamic

Real Love is Stable: Breaking the Chase Cycle

Conclusion: Don’t Chase ‘Em, Replace ‘Em

The Wages of Distraction is an Unreal Life

The Void Behind the Distraction

Addiction by Another Name

The World Wants You Distracted

The Real Choice: Become the Void

Your Distractions Are a Mirror

How to Break Free from the Grip of Distraction

1. Master Your Mind: Learn to Distinguish Real from Unreal Thoughts

2. Regulate Your Nervous System: Get Comfortable with Discomfort

3. Cultivate Purpose: Find the Thing Worth Suffering For

The Voice of Distraction vs. The Voice of Truth

Final Thoughts: Becoming a Man Who Doesn’t Need to Escape

Control Freakery is What Happens When a Shame-Driven Person Makes Somebody Else Believe that They’re In Control of Themselves

The Psychology Behind Control Freakery and Control Freaks

Red Flags: How Control Freaks Hook You In

1. Love Bombing