Life Philosophy

Posts about practical life philosophy you can better understand reality and live a better life.

That Tidal Feeling (When it randomly gets REAL)

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There’s this feeling that I’ve had but that I can’t describe in words.

It’s been chasing me my whole life and I’ve chased it right back – like the two of us are meant to be together but the relationship is just a little bit forever out of reach: one of the great love stories of the ages – we come together and it feels REAL, we slip between each other’s fingers and it feels UNREAL, but – it’s okay – we know we’ll be right back and it’ll all work out in the end.

Every time I felt this ‘feeling’, it always felt like things finally ‘clicked’ into place and made sense, only for the sands of time to pass through the hourglass and leave me right back where I started…with the indistinct memories of some vague idea that things could and should be different but that – at the same time – they’re perfect if I just let them be that way and trust the process of letting life live itself through me as I do my best to live it right back.

I’m always telling myself that “What’s real is always real” and this feeling seems to be the closet I’ve ever got to actually KNOWING this for sure…It’s elusive, though, even though it’s always there.

I know you’ve felt this feeling too – even though I haven’t really shared any details about it yet (besides how nebulous it is and how it comes and goes like the tide going in and out).

You must’ve felt it though…I think it’s what makes us human.

The ‘tide’ is a good metaphor for this feeling. I’m gonna call it “that Tidal feeling” because it’s always ‘there’ – just sometimes it’s further away than others because of the choices I’ve been making or how caught up I might’ve got in my head and my past.

Sometimes, I’m “far away” because the tide is OUT and I guess all that really means is that I’ve become disconnected in some way – caught up in those natural cycles of tension and release that we all get lost in (so that we can eventually find ourselves) and living a life where I’m just acting on autopilot and doing what needs to be done (or so I think) as I force life to the little ideas in my head and the image I think I need to live of myself to make things ‘work’.

When I’m close to it, it’s because the tide came back IN – almost like a tsunami sometimes…unexpected, sweeping, overwhelming in how much power it brings and how surprisingly consistent and beautiful it is in the sense that it ALWAYS comes back and so “that tidal feeling” is going to come with it.

These “tsunamis” are never as grand as sweeping as the word tsunami might suggest but they’re little moments that have big consequences in the sense that they bring back that tidal feeling and bring me back down to earth.

Maybe I should give some examples of times that I remember so that you can see what I mean.

I know you’ve felt it too. It’s what makes us human.

The Storm

One example was a few summers back.

This girl I was seeing came back to my apartment after we’d been out hiking – it was the end of a long hot day and the humidity in the air was growling and getting ready to turn into a storm.

At that time, we were starting to think that we’d found true love and that it might last forever (well, until one of us died) but that didn’t really have anything to do with “that tidal feeling” – that just came by itself in waves.

We’d set up a mattress on the floor in the living room. It was maybe about ten or eleven pm at night and even though I wasn’t physically alone, “that tidal feeling” came sweeping over me and I had a moment between myself and life.

I think a lot of these “tidal” moments are like this…whether we’re alone or we’re not alone, we’re kind of alone. It’s like life is washing away anything that’s not connected to our own soul, shaking us back to our senses, and saying: “Look! This is it!”

In this tidal moment the clouds opened up and the rain started to pour. The window was still open so I could hear that rain fall like I was living in Dolby Surround Sound. 

Then the lightning started to do its thing and I just sat there in awe – basking in the blue lights of the night time, watching the majesty and power of the electric lightshow in the sky whilst this person I loved stay there oblivious, breathing right next to me as time passed by and we both moved an inch or two closer to the great unknown.

Personally, I’m all about embracing the cringe and romanticising things in moments like this:

I thought about how crazy it was that over the billions of years since the beginning of the universe – and through all of the things we’d been through individually since then – me and this girl had somehow come together to live in this lifetime at the same time and to be here right now, breathing and getting older, as the storm raged and the Dolby Surround sound raindrops smashed against the carpark outside.

We broke up but I still think about that moment and the tidal feeling that came with it. It was real.

The Petrol Station Carpark at Night

These tidal moments don’t have to be romantic or involve epic clichés like storms.

I experienced it another time once when I was working in a petrol station when I was younger (like, a lot younger, nineteen or something).

Again it was the summer – and maybe there’s something there because it seems like a lot of these tidal feeling moments are an indistinct nostalgia for an indistinct summer long back when.

This particular night it was mild and the sky was black. I was taking the bins out or something like that and I suddenly found myself alone in this petrol station that I had somehow become responsible for.

Back then, I had an attitude (I actually got fired from this same petrol station for “having an attitude problem”) because I felt like there simply had to be way more to life than bumming around in this petrol station and selling people Cornish pasties and canned drinks.

In that moment out there by the bins, though, it hit me – there really WAS much more to life… but it was already right there, waiting for me. I just had to look at it.

Out there by the bins, this tidal feeling swept over me. Everything looked so artificial and unreal under the bright lights of the petrol station signage and the forecourt lights blazing.

I felt like I was in “Toy Town” or something – everything seemed so beautiful and slick and aesthetic. Even though it was just a petrol station.

There was something about how artificial everything seemed that woke me up to how REAL I was… Like I’d just landed from another planet or something and was exploring this place for signs of life (by which I mean myself).

“That tidal feeling” crept up in this moment and swept away all the things that were keeping me from myself and life.

I guess it can happen anywhere. That’s the whole point. It’s a kind of beautiful loneliness and when it happens you realise you’re never really alone.

Naturally, the world crept back in but I still think about that moment.

The Retail Park by the Ocean

Another time this feeling crept in was when I went to meet some friends one weekend by the beach.

I got there early for whatever reason and so I had some time to kill – I drove around this seaside town wherever it was (I think it was Southport…can’t even remember) until eventually I came across this kind of complex with retail stores and hotels on it.

In all honestly, this place could’ve been absolutely anywhere in the UK because it was just a bog standard kinda place (a big carpark with shops and stuff around the perimeter) but it seemed ‘special’ because it was next to the beach.

I parked my car up and then just went to stare broodingly into the ocean (to fit my self-image as a brooding kind of guy back then).

I stood under a bridge, looking into the blackness of the waves and listening to them crash against themselves as the wind kept howling and I basically froze my ass off because it was so cold.

Again, this wasn’t a ‘big’ or ‘special’ moment but – for some reason – “that tidal feeling” swept over me again and I felt completely disconnected but connected to everything at the same time.

I think it was something to do with the artificiality of the retail park (with that same “Toy Town” vibe as the petrol station) meeting the realness of that ocean sound and the black nothingness of the ocean itself as I tried to grasp it.

In the story of my life as a whole, this moment was completely insignificant: I didn’t share it with anybody, it didn’t necessarily ‘mean’ anything, and I didn’t learn anything or have big epiphanies or anything.

When I die that moment will go with me but for whatever reason “that tidal feeling” came creeping in and it reminded me that I’m something ‘more’ than just how it seems when I’m running about the day on autopilot.

I got back in my car and whacked the heating up and drove back into the world to re-join civilisation and forget about such things.

That Tidal Feeling

I don’t know exactly what “that tidal feeling” means in the grand scheme of things. I know it has something to do with the beautiful solitude that we all feel in our lives – we’re all born alone and we all die alone with some moments of connection in between.

I know it has something to do with the two lives that we all live:

One as a kind of ‘artificial’ creature that’s a product of our time, space, and culture and then another kind of creature that’s more timeless and REAL – the universal man or woman that could exist at any time or any place and still have the same ESSENCE and power.

Sometimes, these two world collide and you crack open the gap between the two to see who you are as both a product of time and a consequence of timelessness…a kind of formlessness that takes away the form you think you are (only for it to form itself all over again).

“That tidal feeling” can creep in anywhere at any moment because the REALNESS behind it is always there, just waiting for an opportunity to seep in and wash over you.

I’ve had it when I’m hiking.

I’ve had it when I’m driving my car down a country road and getting hypnotised by my own headlights.

I’ve had it when I’m half asleep but the birds are outside my window singing and keeping me awake.

I’ve seen it when I’m in the supermarket and I see a ‘perfect’ red apple that looks like it could be in a cartoon or something.

I don’t know what it means but I know it’s real – the murmurs and whispers calling us back to who we are.

We all feel it. It’s what makes us human.

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100 Shadow Work Exercises: Making the Unconscious Conscious & Growing Real

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Shadow Work Will Set You Free of ‘Yourself’

If you’re on a journey to improve your life and to step away from the VOID and a sense that there’s an itch that can never be scratched, then you’re eventually going to have to face your SHADOW SELF.

To quote Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World:

“Your Shadow is all of the things, ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, that you’ve denied about yourself and hidden beneath the surface of the mask you forgot that you’re wearing.”

The “mask” that you forgot that you’re wearing is your EGO – the fragmented version of yourself that denies and disowns parts of your REAL SELF that have been deemed as being “unacceptable” in some way by the external world.

We put this mask on because of shame, guilt, and/or trauma that makes us feel like we have to hide who we really are in order to keep ‘surviving’ whatever we’ve been through in the past (though the more we attach to these methods of surviving, the less likely we are to thrive in the future as we get lost in reacting to life instead of responding to it).

Because these hidden parts are REAL, then then never go anywhere – they’re always there whispering (and eventually screaming) at us from beneath the surface of our lives and inviting us to come back home to a place of realness and wholeness so that we can finally live the lives we were born to live.

Until we’ve started to really integrate our Shadow, there will always be a state of disharmony or misalignment between the actions that we take and their capacity to take us deep into real life.

When I’m working with my clients, we normally end up going through a process of AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, and ACTION:

Awareness = deconstructing the ego so that we can see where it’s holding us back and giving us opportunities to get out of our own way and invite the flow back into our lives.

Acceptance = going with the flow once we’ve stepped aside so that we can truly accept ourselves, the world, and reality itself deeply (including the parts that we’re previously hidden/locked away behind ego because of the SHADOW DANCE that unfolds as ego and shadow battle each other for control of our lives).

Action = taking INSPIRED action once we’ve cultivated a strong foundation of acceptance in our live and learning to do what we can and then trusting life to fill in the blanks.

(“Do your best and forget the rest”).

This is more of a cycle than a linear process because we can always go DEEPER into wholeness. As long as we’re making the unconscious conscious and ensuring that all of the REAL parts of us are pointing in the same direction – instead of tearing us apart – then we’re making progress in life and will start to see evidence in the form of results that show us we’re on the right path.

The rest of this article contains 100 Shadow Work Exercises so that you can start to really listen to your Shadow and reunite yourself with some of the truths about you that are essential for moving forward in a real way.

The whole point is to uncover some of the messages from your shadow (unconscious mind) so that you can reconfigure your self-image/ego (conscious mind) and ensure that they are both pointing in the same direction.

(One reason a lot of people struggle in life and keep sabotaging themselves is because there’s disharmony between what they keep telling themselves consciously and what they really want at the level of their unconscious – this is why many people ‘sabotage’ themselves).

Choose whatever of these exercises ‘call’ to you and then do them in your own way.  Don’t overthink it. Just do what needs to be done.

The whole point of any of these exercises is to get things MOVING again – there is always a natural flow towards wholeness but we end up blocking it when we resist or distort our relationship with our shadow. This is what causes friction, frustration, misery, and STRESS in our lives in many many cases.

The idea is to start communicating with your unconscious mind so that you can embrace the truth it holds and start to live it in a conscious, controlled, and more aligned way.

There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do any of these exercises – it’s all about acquiring INSIGHT that frees you from the prison of EGO and gets you flowing again.

Get in touch with me at any time if you have any questions or want to go even deeper.

100 Shadow Work Exercises

NameBasic ExplanationSteps to Perform
1. JournalingWrite about fears, insecurities, and regrets.Set aside time daily or weekly to write without censoring your thoughts or emotions.

The only aim is to face these negative feelings head on and to let them dissolve.   Prompt: “What do I need to LET GO of?”

2. Inner Child WorkConnect with your inner child to heal past wounds.Visualise or write a letter to your younger self, offering love and reassurance.

Prompt: “How can I help my inner child move towards ACCEPTANCE?”
3. Letter WritingExpress unresolved feelings or ‘stuff’ to people from the past (unsent letters).Write letters expressing your feelings to people that you have unresolved ‘stuff’ with, even if you don’t send them.
4. Mirror WorkConfront your reflection and practice self-acceptance.Look into a mirror, speak affirmations, or have a dialogue with yourself. Tell yourself what you’re really thinking and learn to LET GO of any judgement.

5. Dream AnalysisAnalyse dreams for hidden emotions and patterns.Keep a dream journal and reflect on recurring themes or symbols.   ‘

There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer about what these themes and symbols mean but what you think they mean tells you a lot about what’s calling to you from your shadow self.  

Fox Mulder (yeah, from the X-files) said that “dreams are answers to questions we haven’t yet figured out how to ask.”  

This quote sums up how dreams can really help us to understand what our SHADOW is trying to tell us.
6. Emotional ReleaseAllow yourself to feel and express emotions fully.Find a space to cry, scream, howl, shout, or express emotions through art or movement.  

As the old saying goes “emotions are e-motion, energy in motion” – we have to let them MOVE in order to let them pass and to integrate them.  

The only ‘thing’ that can block them is the mental ‘stuff’ of the ego and so if we can find healthy ways to release we can allow the unconscious and conscious to start moving together again (instead of tearing us apart).
7. MeditationObserve thoughts and emotions without judgement.Practice mindfulness meditation, focusing on the breath and observing sensations.  

People make meditation complicated and complex but all you really need to do is close your eyes and focus on your breath.   If you notice your attention turns to your thoughts then return it to your breath.  

Breathe through your nose (nose breathing has so many benefits it’s unbelievable).   If you like, you can inhale for five seconds, hold your breath for five seconds, and then exhale for five seconds.  
8. Body ScanNotice physical sensations to uncover emotions.Lie down or sit comfortably and scan your body from head to toe, noticing tension or discomfort.   The keyword here is TENSION.  

Tension in our bodies often affects our mental state which makes us even more ‘rigid’ in our thinking about things – this further entrenches us in ego.

Learn to STRETCH (go on Youtube – there’s loads of great routines), do yoga, or invest in a foam roller.    
9. Art TherapyExpress feelings through art (painting, drawing).Create art without worrying about the outcome, focusing on self-expression.  

Allow the unconscious to become conscious through the creative process (our creative drives are often a ‘call’ from the shadow self to start integrating a disowned part or to release some emotion that’s blocking us).

Check out my podcast Creative Status which explores how creativity is a vehicle for growing REAL by deconstructing ego, integrating shadow, and learning to trust life.
10. Shadow DialogueHave a conversation with your shadow self.Write a dialogue between yourself and your shadow, exploring fears and doubts or any other messages that need to swim up from the surface.  

Again, you don’t have to overthink this – whatever you ‘imagine’ your shadow self to be communicating with you is going to hold some truth if you can let go of self-censorship and let the process of writing just flow.
11. Forgiveness PracticePractice forgiving yourself and others.Reflect on past hurts and practice forgiveness through writing or meditation.  

Forgiveness always takes us deeper into ACCEPTANCE because it’s about letting go of ego distortion and resistance and seeing things more clearly.

If we find it hard to forgive it means that we’re clinging to our resentment because it’s allowing us to stay attached to the ego and avoid some unresolved shadow ‘stuff’.
12. Shadow JournalingWrite about hidden aspects of yourself.Journal about traits or experiences you keep hidden from others.  

Increasing awareness of the parts you consciously hide from the world and embracing them will start to make room for some of the parts you’re not aware of yet to start coming through the cracks.
13. Timeline ExplorationReflect on significant life events.Create a timeline of your life and explore how events have shaped you.  

Prompt: “How did significant life events either cause you to go into hiding or allow something REAL to reveal itself about you?”
14. Role ReversalGain empathy by considering others’ perspectives.Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and reflect on their viewpoint.  

Explore relationships where you still have something to LET GO of in order to move forward and ask yourself how things might seem from the POV of the other person (or people).  

Remember that there are three sides to every story:   Your side, Their side, & The TRUTH.

How can moving towards the truth help you to bring your shadow into the light?
15. Creative WritingExpress inner struggles and make the unconscious conscious through storytelling.Write stories (or poems if you must) that explore your emotions and experiences and allow you to get a better sense of perspective around them.  

The characters in your stories are always a reflection of some aspect of yourself.   You can put them in situations that will allow you to take yourself through a kind of catharsis that will lead you to healing (releasing what needs to be LET GO of and integrating what needs to be owned as you go from fragmentation to WHOLENESS).  

Like dreams, your stories can also help you to understand what your unconscious is trying to tell you through themes and symbols.
16. Music TherapyUse music to access and express emotions.Listen to music that resonates with your feelings and allow emotions to surface.  

This is relatively easy and simple but it comes back to the idea that emotions are “energy in motion”: the power of good music is that it carries us where we need to go (if we can let go and let it).
 
The style of music that ‘calls’ to you will no doubt tell you a lot about what you’re trying to process beneath the surface of yourself.  

Experiment with different genres and styles and see what really ‘clicks’ or pulls you in a direction you need to move in.
17. Mindful WalkingConnect with nature and observe your thoughts – try to step beyond them.Take a walk in nature, focusing on each step and observing your surroundings as though you’re an INHERENT PART of them (because you are).  

A lot of the time, when we talk about the Shadow, we frame the conversation only in terms of our own ‘personal’ unconscious but, actually – because of social programming and conditioning – there’s a lot of shadow aspects that are from our NATURE itself.  

One of these deep shadow aspects is the natural connection that we share to life and nature as a whole and our place within its flow.   One reason so many people feel the VOID is because they’ve become detached from this.

Mindful walking can help you to have a peak experience and remind you of your true identity in wholeness.
18. Shadow DrawingExpress and connect to shadow aspects through drawing.Draw an image representing your shadow self – as in, literally draw your shadow.  

What does it look like? What does it tell you about yourself?  

Once again, there’s no need for self-censorship with this exercise – be audacious enough to allow yourself to just draw whatever comes up and see what it tells you about yourself as you make the unconscious conscious.
19. Scream TherapyRelease pent-up emotions through (extreme) vocalisation.Find a private space (ideally out in nature somewhere) and scream – allowing whatever emotions need to be released.  

You might not think you have anything to scream about but once you let loose there’s a good chance you might surprise yourself.  

I actually ended up doing this exercise spontaneously one night with a girl I know up in the hills – we both thought it was stupid (but funny) to scream into the abyss at first but by the time we were done something had definitely shifted (and we lost our voices).  

There’s something primal that needs to be let out of most of us. If you’re feeling ‘brave’ then go give it a shot (emotions are energy in motion like we keep saying).
20. Boundary SettingAssert boundaries and prioritise self-care and self-respect.The easiest way to start undoing your conditioning (ego) is to start saying “NO” when it will serve you and your growth to do so (not in a selfish way – in a REAL way).  

So many people are locked inside themselves and hesitate and hold back on their true place in life because they have boundary issues.   This is ultimately caused by unresolved SHAME that makes them believe they don’t have a right to protect their peace.  

When you start saying “NO” to the unreal situations and relationships in your life then you make space for the REAL stuff to creep back in (which means your shadow is becoming integrated and your ego is being reconfigured to stop blocking your path towards wholeness).
21. BreathworkUse breath to release tension and emotions.Practice deep breathing exercises to calm the mind and body.  

Nose breathing has already been mentioned because of the many benefits in can provide (we are DESIGNED to be nose breathers not mouth breathers) and so training yourself to do this as much as possible – including taping your mouth when you sleep – can give you great presence and flow.  

Getting out of the EGO and into the realness of moving with our SHADOW and making the unconscious conscious almost always starts with getting back in our bodies instead of just living in our heads.  

Making regular space in your life to breathe consciously and release tension from your experience of yourself will feed into everything else you do.
22. Shadow DanceExpress repressed emotions through movement (again: emotions are energy in motion, e-motion).Dance freely, allowing your body to move without judgment.  

I’m not (too) ashamed to say that I sometimes blast some rock music and prance around my living room like a maniac.   Sometimes, you just have to let your body do what it needs to do.

Don’t worry about having ‘moves’ or anything like that – all you need to do is let yourself move.  

Note the tone of what you’re doing – is it joyful, angry, aggressive? What’s trying to get out?
23. Synchronicity JournalGain insights into subconscious patterns by ‘collecting’ synchronicities that you experience.I’ve found in my own life that the more I get in the flow of making the unconscious conscious, the more synchronicities I experience (coincidences that seem to astronomical to be just “meaningless coincidence”).  

For example, one time, I had a coaching client in my home office and I was explaining that when he left the session and walked out of the door he was going to be on the Train (living and focused on his purpose).  

At that very moment, the Italian coffee moka I had on the stove started to whistle exactly like a steam train (it had never done that before). We both looked at each other in disbelief because we both caught the synchronicity.

Staying open to synchronicity will give you even more experiences of it – journaling about these experiences and figuring out what it ‘mean’ can help you to understand what’s going on in the shadow that’s coming up to the light.
24. Nature ConnectionGround yourself in nature and its cycles.Spend time outdoors, connecting with the earth and its natural cycles and processes.  

This is similar to #17 Mindful Walking but the point is to really get a sense of how nature is constantly changing around us and just doing what it needs to do without any real ‘effort’ or force.  

These natural cycles of change and growth are something that we’re constantly engaged in too – the problem for us human beings is that we get so distracted and distanced from these cycles that we think we’re separate.  

Again, the consequence of this is that we IDENTIFY (EGO) as something separate – this causes our natural capacity for flow to be sent into the Shadow Territory.  

If we can get in touch with it, then we can loosen up and learn to let go of what’s beyond our control (ultimately, reconnecting us to our TRUST which is essential for a real life and growth into wholeness).
25. Stop worrying.Challenge limiting beliefs and affirm positivity.You can train yourself (believe it or not) to stop worrying and to take yourself out of the HAMSTER WHEEL of negative thoughts and limiting beliefs that hold most people back.  

Worrying is ultimately USELESS because it’s about trying to change things you can’t control – on a deeper level, worrying is just a way for your ego to keep you where you don’t want to be.  

When you train yourself to stop worrying then you can stop blocking the natural drive towards wholeness as the unconscious becomes conscious.  

I have a free tool here (that I use with my coaching clients) that can help you to train yourself to stop negative / UNREAL thoughts in their tracks and shift to a focus on your vision instead.
26. Guided Visualisation & MeditationExplore your inner landscape through guided imagery.Follow guided meditations focusing on self-discovery and healing.  

This is similar to analysing your dreams except you can do it in a more conscious way and bring the unconscious (and the Shadow) to light through guided visualisations and meditations.  

The easiest thing to do is to go on YouTube and to search “Guided meditation/visualisation for [peace/stress/whatever]”.

I’ve had some really great experiences with this Kundalini Meditation (it’s a bit ‘out there’ for some people).    
27. Shadow SculptingExpress shadow aspects through tactile art.Create sculptures or collages representing your shadow self.  

This is similar to Exercise 18 but can take you deeper into it because of the choices you can make about materials etc.  

Again, it doesn’t matter if you’re ‘skilled’ or whatever – the point is that you’re doing this for yourself.
28. Fictional Character AnalysisExplore shadow aspects through literature.Analyse characters in literature that resonate with your shadow traits.  

This is a good reminder that the shadow doesn’t just contain things that are ‘bad’ but also – depending on what we’ve been through and been forced to disown – many of the ‘good’ things about us too (like our joy, spontaneity, affection, need for adventure etc.).  

If there’s a particular character in fiction that either appeals to you or repels you then there’s probably some shadow learning to be done:  

If they really appeal to you (like a superhero, for example) then probably some of your hidden strengths are being called to you.  

If they repel you, then there’s probably something in them that you don’t want to face about yourself (but if you do face it, you’ll free yourself as you move closer to wholeness).
29. Body MovementConnect mind and body through yoga or tai chi.Practice mindful movement, focusing on the sensations in your body.  

I do yoga every day and I can honestly attest that it’s changed my life by allowing me to release so much of the tension and pain in my body and mind and to get back on a real path.  

In the book ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ (an amazing book about trauma if you haven’t read it) the author Bessel van der Kolk shows that yoga is one of the best ways to become EMBODIED (i.e. get out of our minds and back into our bodies after a traumatic experience – though it works for non-traumatised people too).  

He also shows how yoga can regulate your nervous system so that you can feel a sense of calm.  

My belief and experience has shown me that the wider the gap between the ego and the shadow, the wider the gap between our mind and our body.  

Doing yoga (I recommend power yoga in the week and yin yoga on weekends) can really help you to close that gap and start integrating the shadow and moving towards wholeness.
30. Soul RetrievalReclaim lost parts of yourself from past traumas.Reflect on past wounds and how they caused you to become fragmented.

For example, maybe when you were a kid your parents shamed your dreams or ambitions and so you cut them off and sent them into the shadow territory.  

“Soul Retrieval” is just a fancy way of saying that you figure out what was ‘lost’ so that you can open up the process of going into the shadow territory to reclaim it.  

If these things are REAL, then you won’t have lost them completely – they’ll just be in hiding.    This is because WHAT’S REAL IS ALWAYS REAL.
31. Ancestral HealingHeal generational wounds and patterns.Explore your family history and its impact on your beliefs and behaviours.  

We usually become fragmented because of the fragmented people that brought us up and passed on their own shame (and pain) onto us because they weren’t ready to face it themselves.  

This isn’t because they were ‘bad’ people but because HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE and they had the same thing happen to them.  

If you look back through your family history and try to understand what pain has been passed down to you then you can finally star to release it (and thus free the shadow self to come back to the surface).
32. Gratitude PracticeCultivate gratitude for all aspects of yourself.Reflect on shadow traits or experiences and find gratitude for the lessons they offer.  

This is the key to growing REAL: cultivating UNCONDITIONAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE.  

The different parts of you may be things that can be labelled ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but these labels are just a way of making sense of ourselves and the world.  

In REALITY, these things are beyond the duality of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and just something that IS.  

(The thing that is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is what you CHOOSE to do with them).  

Being grateful for EVERY aspect of who we are frees us from the ego’s need to be perfect.   When we just accept that we are what we are then we have a solid foundation to truly grow and move towards wholeness.  

EVERYTHING about you has something to teach you about growing REAL – be grateful for these lessons and the opportunities that they bring.
33. Nature MandalaCreate mandalas using natural materials.Arrange natural objects in a circular pattern, symbolising inner harmony and wholeness.  

Carl Jung believed that mandalas emerged from the collective unconscious, representing archetypal patterns and universal truths that could help us to taste wholeness and to unify and integrate opposites.  

He also believed that the process of creating them could help us to understand what was going on with our unconscious minds and to make it conscious.
34. Shadow TheatreAct out inner conflicts and resolutions.Use drama or role-playing to explore shadow aspects and potential resolutions.  

One of the reasons that actors find their work to be ‘healing’ is because it allows them to face parts of themselves that they’ve become disconnected from so they can integrate them (and doing it in public gives them more ownership of these parts).  

There’s no reason why you can’t do the same thing in your own life – re-enact scenes from your past and rewrite them, play a different version of yourself for a day, etc.  

The point is to FEEL what you’ve become disconnected from so it can be integrated or to RELEASE what you’re holding onto that no longer serves you.  

If you have somebody you can trust then you can play with this idea together. Alternatively, join an acting group or something (depending on how serious you wanna get).
35. Archetype ExplorationIdentify and explore universal patterns within yourself.Recognise archetypal roles and their influence on your psyche.  

This is similar to the work with fictional characters but with common themes and archetypes from throughout history.  

If there are certain ‘types’ of character that appeal to you (for example, the ‘hero’, the ‘mentor’, the ‘damsel’) in movies, then maybe there’s some shadow ‘stuff’ going on in you waiting to be unleashed.  

Alternatively, you can go on an exploration of archetypes from ancient cultures and see what ‘speaks’ to you (in the Greek myths, etc.).  

As with most of these exercises, what you’re looking for is what these archetypes can teach you about what is hiding beneath the surface of your current way of living and identifying.

There’s always some TRUTH waiting to leak out.
36. Shadow YogaUse yoga poses for emotional release.Practice yoga sequences targeting areas of tension and blocked energy.   I already spoke a lot about yoga in #29 Body Movement but certain yoga poses will release certain emotions.

For example, it’s said (and I’ve experienced) that a lot of TRAUMA is stored in our hips and so some poses that target this area will spontaneously make people feel emotional or even start crying.  

YIN YOGA is a very deep and powerful form of yoga that can help with this kind of emotional release by asking us to hold the poses for a relatively long time (up to five minutes on average, I’d say).  

When holding the poses for this amount of time, we go deeper into them and our bodies LET GO and just do what they need to do.  This releases all kinds of ‘stuff’ and can be very powerful and healing.  

This is a really good Yin Yoga workout you can do at home.
37. Stream of Consciousness WritingExplore thoughts and feelings without judgment.Write continuously, allowing thoughts to flow without censorship.  

The best time to do this is either as soon as you’ve woken up or just before bed – generally, at these times, our conscious mind isn’t as active and there are less barriers to the unconscious mind just doing its ‘thing’.  

Unlike creative writing where you may have a fictional ‘theme’ etc. with this exercise you don’t have any idea what’s going to come out, you just let it.  

This is much easier if you don’t EXPECT anything or JUDGE (both ego blocks).   There’s always something waiting to come out so just TRUST and let it happen.  

You can either set a timer and write for [8 minutes] or set a target for a set number of pages.
38. Random Word AssociationMake associations to explore hidden emotions.Use random words as prompts for writing or reflection, allowing thoughts to surface naturally.  

The ‘trick’ here (with a lot of this ‘stuff’) is not to think – don’t answer the prompt with your conscious mind but with your unconscious mind (then reverse engineer what you come up with by allowing your conscious and unconscious to merge into one system).
39. Shadow PoetryExpress shadow aspects through poetry.Write poems that delve into darkness of the Shadow Territory, exploring hidden emotions and experiences.  

Once again, the Shadow contains both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ qualities so it doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom.  

Whatever qualities you fear about yourself (including the tender ones like love etc.) can be brought to the surface by playing with poetry.  

(It doesn’t have to be a ‘good’ poem either – most poetry that’s ever been written is ‘bad’ lol).
40. Symbolic RitualsUse ceremony to symbolise letting go.Create rituals to mark transitions or release past traumas, using symbolic gestures.  

A common example is writing down something that you want to RELEASE and then setting whatever you’ve written on fire. 

This is very dramatic maybe but also very symbolic and your UNCONSCIOUS MIND WORKS IN SYMBOLS & IMAGERY.  
41. Reparenting YourselfNurture your inner child through self-care.Engage in activities that comfort and support your inner child, offering love and reassurance.  

“Inner child” can be one of those buzz words that gets thrown around and then confuses people – all it really means at the simplest and most practical level is that you figure out some of the NEEDS that weren’t met in childhood and then GIVE YOURSELF them (or find ways to get them met).  

For example, maybe you had really strict, shame-driven parents who never gave you any kind words of encouragement. Find ways to meet this need now as an adult (by learning to encourage yourself).  

Maybe you didn’t get TOUCHED enough (which is vital for our development) and so you crave affection – find ways to get into your body or to work with your partner to meet this need in a healthy way (if you have one).  

The point is that if you become AWARE of what your “inner child” is still aching for then you can put strategies in place to finally meet these needs and release the ego ‘stuff’ that is blocking you because of this (and get the shadow moving again).
42. Graveyard MeditationContemplate mortality and impermanence.Go for a walk in a cemetery, reflecting on the transient nature of life.  

That might be a bit extreme for some of us but only if we really ACCEPT that we’re going to be DEAD one day can we start to step away from the ego and start MOVING again.  

The ego is the illusion that things are FIXED but the truth is that everything keeps moving – the fact that we’re hurtling towards death is evidence of this.  

Many of us live in the DENIAL of death (also the name of a great book by Ernest Becker) but if we can face it then we can bring our realness out of the shadows because we won’t just accept ourselves but also LIFE.  

If you don’t want to walk in a cemetery you can just brood or something!
43. Sensory ExplorationConnect with your senses to ground yourself.Engage in sensory experiences, focusing on textures, smells, and tastes.  

You can create scenarios and situations to really indulge in your senses (go “stop and smell the flowers”, so to speak) or you can keep it simple and just pause and reflect on what you’re sensing right NOW!  

Again, one of the main themes of integrating and facing shadow is to get out of our head and into our body (so we can better align the two and point them in the same direction).
44. Shadow PhotographyExpress shadow aspects through photography.Go on a “photo walk” and see what your attention is drawn to. Explore your own photographs for meaning and see what they can teach you about your shadow self.  

Ultimately, when we let go and just allw our attention go where it needs to go, there will be something to learn about the unconscious mind and what it’s telling us.  

When we get in the mind flow of a photography walk, we change our state of AWARENESS as we become present with our surroundings and look for things that we find ‘photo worthy’ (i.e. worth ‘capturing’).  

Maybe there’s a shadow that appeals to you (a literal one), a reflection, an animal living its life without thought, a bag of trashing blowing around in the wind.  

Get snapping and see what you’re ‘capturing’ of yourself as well!
45. Symbolic Gestures of GoodwillLook for opportunities to give to others.Use symbolic gestures of goodwill to share something REAL of yourself with others.  

When you keep this in mind, you’ll find that there’s always opportunities to give to the world – sometimes, this might feel weird or strange but if it does it’s because there’s some EGO BLOCK (surprise, surprise) to sharing our real self with the world.  

We can undo our conditioning and better connect to others when opportunities to give arise and we go with it.
46. Animal  ReflectionPay attention to the animals that ‘show up’ in your life in meaningful ways and reflect on this meaning.This may sound a bit ‘much’ for some people but – as with anything on this list – it’s the INTERPRETATIONS you put on things that show you what’s going on in your shadow (not to say that their isn’t some deeper, universal meaning).  

Animals are connected to the natural cycles of life and nature and can pop up in our lives at unexpected times that can seem meaningful.  

For example, a year ago I went hiking with a friend in the hills and he had an absolutely terrible time (kept falling over, getting tired etc.) – this brought a really frenetic energy to the day.  

I dropped him home after the walk and on my drive back to my place a deer jumped over a wall, in front of my car, and got hit by a car coming on the opposite side of the road (smashing its mirror into seemingly hundreds of tiny pieces).  

After that, the deer lay in the road right next to my car taking its last breaths and then it died right in front of me. I literally watched it pass away.

Does this objectively ‘mean’ something? Maybe, maybe not. But I can take meaning from it and this can teach me a lot about my own shadow and what’s going on inside me.
47. Shadow AffirmationsAffirm positive integration of shadow aspects.Create affirmations addressing shadow traits, affirming your commitment to releasing and/or integration.

Basically, once you start to become aware of something that’s beginning to surface and either be RELEASED or INTEGRATED, then keep making a point to pause in your day and to remind yourself that it’s happening.  

You don’t have to FORCE it, but by keeping these things in conscious awareness you can let them flow more easily and ensure that you’re not blocking the process by falling into old patterns.
48. Shadow Journal PromptsUse prompts for deeper exploration of shadow aspects.Respond to journal prompts focusing on different aspects of yourself.  

By increasing awareness of yourself you will go deeper and deeper into ACCEPTANCE – the deeper you go into acceptance, the deeper you go into integration and ensure that the gap between ego and shadow is minimal.  

I have a free download here which gives 90-days of journal prompts for building overall awareness of oneself:   90-Day Journal Prompt Challenge.
49. Rage ReleaseChannel anger into constructive outlets.Find a safe way to express anger, such as punching a pillow or engaging in vigorous exercise.  

Rage is often a product of unresolved toxic SHAME and shame leads to our (over) attachment to the ego and the presence of the Void in our lives.  

When you can channel your rage into something then you can RELEASE it and start dealing with the shame so it can dissolve.  

This might just involve whacking a punch bag, going to a boxing class, or even going to a “Rage Room” in your area (if there is one) where you can pay to smash things up in a violent manner.
50. Explore your hatred.Look at what you can learn by exploring the things and people that you ‘hate’.Write a list of the things or people in your life that you ‘hate’ and your REASONS for feeling this way.  

Hatred is a strong emotion (to state the obvious) and it almost always reveals some of our projections (hidden emotions and ideas about ourselves projected out into the external world) and can show us some of the things that we are FIGHTING within ourselves.  

For example, if you hate somebody in your life for being ‘weak’ or ‘cruel’ then it’s quite likely that you haven’t face your own weakness or cruelty and have sent them down into the Shadow Territory.  

Essentially, the more other people ‘trigger’ us to strong reactions, the more likely it is that there’s some quality in ourselves that needs integrating so we can dissolve these feelings and move forward.
51. Explore old attractions / relationshipsLook for patterns and similarities in your attractions and relationships.If we have “unfinished business” from our childhood then we tend to keep attracting people that remind us (unconsciously) of old patterns and scripts so that we can work our way through them.

This is why so many people often find themselves with different partners but in the exact same situations: they’re bringing the same dynamics into their life so that they can heal and release something they’ve been clinging to without realising.  

For example, maybe when you were a kid, you had an exceptionally strict and hypercritical parent – this caused you to try and ‘win’ love by seeking approval and developing people pleasing tendencies.  

As an adult, if you look back at your relationships you might realise that you’ve been reliving the same dynamic – i.e. attracting partners who can never be pleased and keep giving you the familiar ‘buzz’ of not approving of you (so you dance through hoops to ‘win’ their love).  

This is just one example but exploring your own relationships for these patterns will show you how your ego has been formed and what patterns you need to smash through to free the shadow.
52. Shadow Integration RitualCreate a ritual to integrate shadow aspects.Design a ritual symbolizing integration and acceptance of your shadow self.

This can literally be anything that ‘feels’ right to you and will be something completely personal and subjective (embodying the THEMES and SYMBOLS that you think express your shadow and feel like you’re getting things moving again).  

Maybe you’ll go dance beneath the moon, maybe you’ll stare into a candle for a few hours, maybe you’ll simply find some creative way to delineate a turning point of sorts…  

The point is to design some ritual that can serve as a rite of passage for crossing the threshold between fragmentation and wholeness – once you’ve crossover you will be deeply committed to the process of UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE and integration of the Shadow.
53. Explore your loveLook at what you can learn by exploring the things and people that you ‘love’.Really, just the other side of the coin of exercise #50: Explore your hatred: write a list of the things and people that you love and the reasons for this (the qualities they embody etc.).  

A lot of the time, the qualities that we admire in others are positive qualities that we possess ourselves but that we’ve become detached or distanced from.  

Once you understand what some of these qualities might be then you can start to put strategies in place to figure out how you can BECOME a version of yourself that embodies these even more.  

This will bring them out of the Shadow Territory and back into the light where they belong.
54. Family Dynamics ReflectionReflect on the dynamics within your family of origin.Notice any patterns of behaviour or communication styles that have been passed down through generations, and consider how these dynamics might influence your own projections onto others.  

It will be especially useful to look back at some of the “hot topics” in your family of origin – for example, maybe somebody was addicted to something and it caused everybody stress, or somebody had some kind of trauma that nobody was allowed to talk about.  

Essentially, look back at the family that shaped you into the person you are today and think about what dysfunction might have shaped you, caused you to hold back, or simply just impacted you in some way.  

Prompt: “What do I still need to let go of that the original family dynamic asks me to still carry today? Who would I become if I let go?”
55. Shadow Ritual DanceUse dance as a ritual for integrating shadow aspects.Dance with intention, expressing and integrating shadow aspects through movement.

This is similar to exercise #22 but instead of just letting loose in a free-flowing and spontaneous way you set some intentionality or specific shadow theme as motivation for your movement.  

Maybe you have some unresolved ‘anger’, for example – blast some angry music and get it moving again.  

Maybe you feel like there’s some unresolved issues around a specific incident that happened in the past – unblock yourself by re-enacting it and taking control of the situation with the new energy you bring through dance.  

Obviously, this isn’t for everybody but if you’re a ‘dancer’ type then get on it.
56. Art JournalingCombine writing and art for deeper self-exploration.Use a journal to write and create art, exploring and expressing your inner world.  

You can follow some journal prompts or you can simply take a stream of consciousness approach and just let whatever needs to pour out to do so.

Don’t limit yourself to just words and add doodles, drawings, or whatever elaborate artistic creations you want to bring to the experience.  

By doing this you can bring your left and right brain into the equation and make it an even more ‘holistic’ experience.
57. Shadow Affirmation CardsCreate cards with affirmations for shadow integration.Make cards with affirmations addressing specific shadow traits, using them for daily reflection.  

This is a useful exercise once you’ve started to raise AWARENESS of what’s down there in the Shadow Territory waiting to resurface.  

Once you’ve got a grasp of what some of these ‘things’ might be then ask yourself what your highest and most REAL vision for them might be.  

For example, if you notice that your creativity is finally starting to surface, ask yourself where you want to take it.   Write this down on a card in the first person, PRESENT TENSE and frame it in the positive:  

“I am bringing my creativity to the surface and am trusting it as a vehicle to release old patterns” (or whatever).  

Carry these cards with you throughout the day and remember to look at them every so often.

Obviously, don’t just ‘look’ but pause to really FEEL that you’re engaged in the process and to visualise where you’re headed.   The whole point is to remind yourself to stay in the FLOW of managing cause and effect to get where you’re headed.
58. Shadow PuppetryUse puppets to explore and express shadow aspects.Create and manipulate puppets to act out scenarios representing inner conflicts or emotions.  

This works with different ‘parts’ of yourself that you’ve noticed and want to face but also with different SUB-PERSONALITIES you might have developed over the years to keep your ego where it needs to be as part of the SHADOW DANCE (between ego and shadow).

In relation to the different parts, you might create some kind of puppet that represents your anger and another that represents the more relaxed side of yourself.  

In relation to sub-personalities, you might notice that there’s a version of you that’s a ‘people-pleaser’ or that has addictive tendencies and easily caves in to unhealthy habits under pressure (etc.). 

You can create a ‘puppet’ that represents this side of yourself and then talk it out.  

Again, how deeply or seriously you want to take this exercise is up to you: you might create an intricate ventriloquist dummy, you might just use your sock and stick some googly-eye on it.  

The point of many of these exercises is just to PLAY and stay CURIOUS about this ‘stuff’ so you can get moving again.
59. Shadow Yoga Nidra (Yogic Sleep)Practice yoga nidra with a focus on shadow integration.Engage in yoga nidra, focusing on integrating and accepting shadow aspects.  

Yoga nidra is also known as ‘yogic sleep’ and involves getting in a deep state of relaxation whilst maintaining a sense of awareness of our inner state.  

It’s easier to get in this state if you’ve done a (physical) yoga session but you can also just put yourself in savasana (corpse pose) and allow yourself to close your eyes, relax, and get into your breath.  

When you get into this deep state of relaxation, you can experience yourself as UNCONDITIONED CONSCIOUSNESS – this is the opposite of our day-to-day state of conditioned consciousness which is constantly being distracted by the hamster wheel of thoughts and the filter of identity/ego.  

Stepping into this unconditioned state allows you to see your true identity in wholeness and to experience the natural flow of yourself as a living being. This means you step away from the (illusory) stasis of ego and start to move with the shadow as the unconscious becomes conscious.  

Here’s a yoga nidra video on Youtube that can help you experience this.  
60. Memory ExplorationReflect on childhood memories for hidden insights.Recall and journal about childhood memories, exploring emotions and experiences.  

This might sound a bit strange but try and remember memories that you can’t remember – you might have to close your eyes and really let go to do this but if you’re open then you’ll be taken back to places you forgot about.

(Hypnotherapy can really help with this if you find a good hypnotherapist).

One memory I uncovered by getting a hypnotherapy session was about my dog dying when I was a kid and my dad and stepmother laughing at me for being upset about it (the dog got attacked by a pitbull and was shaking in his bed).  

This allowed me to understand all kinds of things about the dynamics in that family and some of my own personality defects and tendencies as an adult (long story short: they were laughing at me because I’d just returned from my Mum’s house – my parents were divorced – and they were trying to shame me into no longer visiting her).  

Anyway, the point here is to see what memories are blocked from view. Once you see them, there’ll always be some learning.    
61. Shadow MeditationMeditate with a focus on exploring shadow aspects.Practice meditation, bringing awareness to shadow aspects without judgment.  

We’ve already had a ‘generic’ meditation exercise but in this case you literally set the INTENTION of meeting your shadow in the meditative state.

This might involve visualisation or simply just setting an intention and seeing what happens.   

Once something does happen, you can learn from the experience as well as cultivate a deeper ACCEPTANCE for what you uncover about yourself (again: UNCONDITIONAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE is what it’s all about).  
62. Early Influences and Role ModelsExplore the qualities embodied by people you admired as a child.Go back to your childhood (again!) and reflect on some of the people that you looked up to back then.  

Maybe it was a movie star like Arnie, maybe it was Michael Jackson, maybe it wasn’t even somebody famous but the bin man or something like that.

Think about what it was that appealed to you so much about these role models and what they were trying to call out of you.  

Did those qualities get embodied as you became an adult? Was it just a passing phase? Is there still some work that needs to be done?  

What does this tell you about your shadow and where you might be limiting yourself (if anything)?
63. Shadow DrummingUse drumming to access and express emotions.Drum with intention, allowing emotions to surface and be released through rhythm.  

This is really just another way of allowing those e-motions to get moving again (“emotions are energy in motion”).  

Bang on a literal bongo or simply just whack the table or something.  See if you can find a natural rhythm that’s waiting to be expressed.  

Maybe this rhythm can teach you something?  

(What does its tone tell you etc.)?
64. Unresolved ConflictsExamine the unresolved conflicts in your life.Look at your life and the unresolved conflicts that you may be involved in with other people.  

This maybe a relationship that you walked away from that still has “unfinished business”, it might be a disagreement with somebody that’s still causing you irritation, or it might be a situation where there’s a real or difficult conversation that needs to be had in order to heal the relationship and move forward.  

What CHOICES are you making that are keeping this conflicted unresolved? What does this tell you about your ego and how it’s keeping the shadow at bay?   What can you DO about this conflict?

Can you resolve it by getting in touch with the person in question? Or do you just need to work on cultivating acceptance because it’s out of your control?

Either way, CONFLICT is always an opportunity for learning – unresolved conflict even more so because it means there’s some kind of EGO BLOCK somewhere.
65. Gratitude Shadow JournalingFind gratitude for shadow aspects.Journal about shadow traits or experiences, finding gratitude for the lessons they offer.  

Prompt: “What are some of the sides of myself that I consciously hide from the world? What reasons do I have to be GRATEFUL for these parts of myself?”  

The ‘parts’ that we feel forced to disown because of social pressure etc. are still very REAL – if we can be grateful for this REALNESS, we can release the energy of these parts and bring more flow into our lives.
66. Childhood FearsLook at fears and anxieties that shaped you as a child.Try to remember some of the fears and anxieties that you had as a child and see what they can teach you about the person you became.  

You might’ve had a strong fear of one of your parents dying, for example, which was a reflection of some abandonment issue that you still carry to this day.  

You might’ve been scared of going too far away from the family home which is still reflected in your fear of taking risks or giving into that call to adventure in your heart.  

It doesn’t matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ these fears might be but there may be some shadow learning if you can unpack them and see how they still drive you today (if they do).
67. Mindful EatingPractice mindful eating by paying attention to your thoughts and emotions while eating.Notice any judgments or criticisms that arise about the food or your eating habits, and reflect on what they might reveal about your relationship with food and your body.  

Pay attention to how you either use food as a DISTRACTION or as something that truly makes you present and allows you to get in your senses and your body.  

The link here to your SHADOW is that – as we’ve said in other exercises – the conflict between your ego and your shadow is really a conflict between your body and your mind.  

Mindful eating really allows us to bring all ‘parts’ of ourselves into a whole and to point them in the same direction.
68. Monster MetamorphosisImagine transforming into the monsters from your childhood nightmares or memories.Explore what fears or insecurities these monsters represent. Reflect on the emotions and memories these monsters evoke, and journal about their symbolic meaning.  

I remember when I was a kid being absolutely terrified of Chucky from the ‘Child’s Play’ movies – there’s was a period of a few months where I found it really hard to sleep and found it hard to feel safe in the family home (lesson: don’t watch Child’s Play when you’re a kid).  

I think watching this movie really increased a fear I already had of not feeling ‘safe’ in that home – it added an extra level where I felt like I couldn’t trust my own toys and didn’t know what might happen at any moment.  

I could probably unpack so much from thinking about this – if you have any other ‘monsters’ from your childhood then try stepping into their shoes and see what you can learn about where you’ve been and what you’ve been through.  

This kind of ‘stuff’ can help you understand what formed your ego and the way you might be holding back and blocking the shadow.  
69. Shadow ‘Ugly’ Portrait PaintingUse painting as a ritual for shadow integration.Paint a self-portrait focusing solely on your perceived flaws and imperfections.

Embrace and celebrate these aspects rather than trying to hide or mask them.   The whole point is to simply ACCEPT (there’s a theme here!) these ‘uglier’ sides of yourself and to get into a state where you can just play with them.  

At the end of the day, WE ARE WHAT WE ARE. Anything that can help you see this will set you free.
70. Secret Society / CultImagine you’re starting a ‘Secret Society’ or cult where all your needs are met.Imagine that you get to be in charge of your own secret society or cult (…just imagine!) and that you can determine its overarching theme, symbols, and anything else that you think is relevant.  

What would this cult do? How would they spend their time? What rituals would they have?  

This might seem a bit ‘out there’ but it will help you to see how you would show up in the world if there were absolutely no restraints on what you were ‘allowed’ to do.   Understanding this will show you what’s hiding in you and can’t find a way to be expressed because of the limitations of the ‘regular’ world.  

Once you know what these hidden parts are you can start to think of healthy ways to help them resurface.
71. Kink ExplorationSee what your sexual ‘kinks’ might have to teach you.Look at some of the things that could be considered ‘kinks’ when it comes to your sex life (things that you’ve expressed or that remain unexpressed but that you’re aware of).  

Sex isn’t something that we HAVE but something that we ARE – the version of you that wants to really show up in your most intimate moments is probably showing you something very REAL about yourself.

For example, if you’re a CONTROL FREAK in your day-to-day life but you like somebody to take away your control in a sexual situation (with consent of course), then it might show you that the workaday control is just a façade because your real self actually wants to surrender (to the flow).

There are all kinds of kinks and quirks that we might have – don’t judge them but see what they’re trying to teach you or how they’re helping you to make the unconscious conscious so you can heal yourself.
72. Shadow Collage MeditationMeditate while focusing on a collage representing shadow aspects.Meditate while gazing at a collage depicting your shadow self, allowing insights and emotions to arise.  

As we said in exercise #27, the act of making a collage can be therapeutic and edifying in itself – meditating on it can allow the unconscious to tell you things that you might not have expected or realised during the creative process.  

If you don’t want to spend time making a collage then you can find some symbol or anything else that represents the shadow and you can use as a meditation aid.
73. Lost and Found TreasuresReflect on cherished possessions from your childhood that were lost or discarded.Make a list of cherished possessions from your childhood that are no longer in your possession.   Reflect on the emotions and memories associated with each item, and journal about their symbolic significance.  

I remember when I was a kid and we moved into a new house – when I went into my bedroom for the first time I found a red plastic cowboy on the floor.  

I have literally no idea why but that red cowboy pops up in my mind every so often and I can see it clear as day.  

This would be excellent fuel for this exercise as it’s already ‘calling’ to me from my unconscious mind – probably in your own life there are lost objects from the past that have thing or two to teach you in the present.
74. Reverse Role ModelsPut yourself in the shoes of the people that hurt you when you were growing up.Make a list of people from your childhood whom you disliked or envied.   Reflect on the qualities or traits that triggered these feelings, and consider how they might mirror aspects of your shadow self.  

This might be a parent that was too strict, a bully at school, or anything else – imagine yourself in the shoes of this person and try to think about what they saw in you that made them treat you the way they did.  

What does this have to teach you about your own shadow in the here-and-now?
75. Time Capsule UnearthedImagine discovering a time capsule from your childhood.Explore what hidden memories or emotions might be preserved inside.

Again, you might end up surprising yourself here with memories that you didn’t ‘know’ you remembered – this means you’ve unblocked something that was holding you back from this awareness and start to flow with the natural drive towards wholeness.  

What can you learn from this ‘time capsule’? How is the past still trying to teach you to be REAL?
76. Imagine the Opposite of YourselfThink about what the opposite of yourself might be like.You can either journal on this, create some kind of artwork, or simply just sit and meditate.   The idea is to really get a grasp of what you would be like if you were in the reverse polarity of the qualities you embody now.

For example, maybe you’re a PEOPLE PLEASER who often holds back and is incredibly reserved – in this case, the opposite version of you might be hyper-aggressive and just does whatever they want without thinking about other people.  

Maybe you’re somebody who is ridiculously horny all the time – the opposite version of yourself might be completely averse to such behaviour.

The idea is to list as many of these OPPOSITE qualities as possible and to remember the old Taoist saying that “everything contains the seed of its opposite”.  

The next step is to ask where you need more BALANCE – if people-pleasing is causing you issues and frustration then it’s more than likely that this OPPOSITE quality is in your shadow and needs to be actively integrated to bring more harmony.
77. Recurring DreamsLook at the recurring dreams you’ve had in your life.All dreams are ultimately a product of the unconscious trying to process the FRAGMENTS of our lives and to make them more WHOLE (in my understanding).  

If you have or have ever had a recurring dream then odds are that it’s showing you were your unconscious mind keeps meeting the same BLOCK – if you can figure out what this is then you can start to actively unblock it by looking at the shadow qualities that need freeing from ego.  

I used to have a recurring dream that I’d be walking down the street (or wherever) and then I’d suddenly leap into the air and be carried away by the wind.   

The feeling of FREEDOM that I got from being carried in this way was incredibly intense and a reflection (I know believe) of the freedom I craved in my life at the time because I was ‘stuck’ for various reasons.  

Now I have a lot of freedom in my life, I no longer have this dream, but it’s interesting to see what this was both teaching and giving me at that time.

If you have a recurring dream then it might be your shadow’s way of giving you what your conscious life is lacking and craving so you can move towards wholeness.
78. Shadow LetterWrite a letter to your shadow.Write a letter to your shadow self, expressing any feelings, thoughts, or questions you have towards it.  

How far you go with this is totally up to you but the idea is to write and let your shadow know that you’re trying to INTEGRATE it and to explore the process.  

If you’re feeling next level then you can write a letter back to yourself from your shadow and see what it might tell you (this will involve getting your conscious mind out of the way for obvious reasons).
79. Embrace Chaos.Actively invite chaos into your life.This one might be for the ‘braver’ among us but actively finding ways to invite CHAOS into our lives can help us to break free from ego and to invite something REAL back into the picture.  

This is because the EGO is always an illusion of false ORDER (which is why the most ego driven people are almost always control freaks – they’re trying to manipulate life to keep the shadow at bay).  

Inviting CHAOS breaks us free of all of the systems and structures we’ve created in our lives in order to stay in the ego’s comfort zone.  

To ‘invite chaos’, you might just deviate from your usual routine, you might invite somebody out for lunch that you’ve typically avoided for whatever reason, you might do something wild like go climb a mountain on a whim instead of going to work.  

There is CHAOS everywhere so there are plenty of opportunities.
80. Celebrate FailureLook at your ‘failures’ and celebrate them instead of hiding from them.We’ve all ‘failed’ at some time in our lives – this is just part of being a humble human being who isn’t omniscient or omnipotent.  

Instead of running from or avoiding your failures, look back and explore the ways in which these ‘failures’ really revealed something REAL about you or brought about unexpected opportunities.  

We’ve all heard the cliché that failure is really just a state of mind – it’s also a MENTAL BLOCK.  

If you can learn to celebrate your failure then you’ll also learn to celebrate the disowned parts of yourself that have been locked behind a narrative that we have to be ‘successful’ all the time (and ideas of ‘success’ that are all rooted in ego anyway).
81. Dance in the darkLiterally turn all the lights off one night and dance around in the dark.Turn off all the lights and dance in complete darkness, allowing your movements to express the hidden depths of your shadow self.  

To be honest, this might be a bit overdramatic but the idea is to SYMBOLISE (your unconscious mind works in symbols and images) your familiarity with the darkness and your capacity to let go when submerged in it.

(Note: most of these exercises are about LETTING GO).
82. Laugh at your FearsLearn to see the funny side of your own fears and doubts.Find humour in your fears and anxieties, laughing at their absurdity and reclaiming your power over them.  

Many of our fears, doubts, and judgement of ourselves and life are completely irrational and just an emotional ‘thing’ that’s causing us to stay blocked to real movement and growth.  

Make a list of the things that scare you about life and then try to imagine yourself as some outside observer laughing at these things.  

There’s almost some ‘angle’ where we can see the funny side because in truth NOTHING is as serious as we convince ourselves it is (because life is just a joke without a punchline really).  

The point is to become DISTANCED from these fears so you can reclaim your POWER over yourself by shifting your PERSPECTIVE from illusion to REALITY.
83. Name Your DemonsLook at your emotional ‘demons’ and give them names so you can start to befriend them.We all have ‘demons’ – things that haunt us or that we’d rather not face. 

By not facing them, though, we just end up making the problems they bring worse (as Carl Jung said “what we resist persists”).  

We don’t have to force ourselves to dive right in and accept our demons blindly (if we don’t want to) but we can start the process of reconciliation by giving these demons names.  

Ideally, these names need to be ‘silly’ or ‘cute’ so that we can disarm them in some way and start to absorb some of their power ourselves.  

The main benefit of naming them is that when they show up we don’t feel as much like running but can start facing them in their familiarity.  

Eventually, they’re not just familiar – they become part of us (i.e. we released and integrated).
84. Wear Your Masks ProudlyEmbody an extreme version of the ‘masks’ you find yourself wearing.Instead of trying to remove your masks, wear them proudly and explore how they serve and protect different aspects of your psyche.  

The problem with a ‘mask’ isn’t that we’re wearing one, but that we FORGOT we were wearing one and confused it with our REALNESS.  

When we try too hard to ‘remove’ our masks instead of ACCEPTING them, we can cause unnecessary friction for ourselves because the mask only really exists to help us SURIVIVE.  

In this exercise, we make a list of the masks that we have to wear in certain social situations and contexts and then TURN UP THE VOLUME.  

This gives us a conscious control over the mask instead of being controlled by it.   Eventually, this helps us to see what’s real and what’s not and to let go of the unreal ‘stuff’ and let the shadow do its thing.
85. Play with TaboosPush the boundaries a little by not shying away from the taboo.Deliberately engage with taboo subjects or behaviours and examine your reactions without judgment, recognising the societal conditioning that shapes your shadow.  

The reason that a lot of things are ‘taboo’ is because they’re in the collective shadow of society as a whole – for example, DEATH is a taboo topic because most of us aren’t comfortable facing this fact of life.  

Sometimes, if I’m in a social situation and I get a joke pop up in my head that I know is a little risqué or inappropriate I will push through that niggling voice that tells me not to say it and say it anyway.  

Nothing bad has ever happened from doing this but it has really helped me not to be held back by social conditioning alone.  

In all relationships, there will be some TABOO topics that often get ignored – these are actually beautiful opportunities for GROWTH because they always bring more TRUTH back into the situation.  

Explore the taboo in your own life and there will always be some shadow ‘stuff’ that gets brought up.

Next time you feel like you “shouldn’t” say something, say it anyway.
86. Break Your Own RulesPurposefully break your own rules and boundaries.Purposely breaking your own rules and boundaries allows you to explore the freedom that comes from transcending self-imposed limitations.  

This will ultimately to help you learn if your rules are just arbitrary constructs that you’ve attached to for the sake of your EGO (and therefore keeping the shadow at bay) or if they’re actual REAL STANDARDS rooted in your realness.  

This is particularly effective around rigid rules that you might have created because of some fear of losing control.  

For example, maybe you’re terrified of eating calorific food sometimes in case you get a taste for it and go off the rails (eating it all the time).

Maybe you won’t let yourself loosen up and have ‘fun’ by [going out/playing a video game/texting somebody that you want to talk to/whatever].  

Some of these things may actually be ‘bad’ if you do them all the time (everything has an opportunity cost after all) but the point is that if you LET GO of your own rules then you can see if they still apply to your life and whatever is really going inside you.  

If you’re just acting on autopilot then you’ve probably become too attached to ego and you’re blocking some side of yourself from being integrated in a healthy way (which is why you need strict ‘rules’ to control it instead of being able to make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE).
87. Shadow Nature ConnectionConnect with nature to explore and integrate shadow aspects.Spend time in natural settings, reflecting on how the elements of nature mirror your shadow self.   The point here is to not just connect to nature but to see how nature can REFLECT yourself back at you and show you who you really are.

As we’ve said, it’s not just our personal ‘stuff’ that’s hidden in the Shadow Territory but also our superconscious connection to nature itself and the universal truths and patterns that apply to us all but get lost behind all of the layers of interpretation and BS in the world.  

For this exercise, you spend time in nature actively looking for things that remind you of your own true nature:

Maybe it’s watching the leaves fall from the trees in autumn reminding you that we all go through cycles and that death is coming for us all.  

Maybe it’s watching a stream carry itself to where it needs to go without any effort or force and you remind yourself that this is how you are too at your most real.  

Maybe it’s looking at a vast open sky and realising how much potential you have in your own life if you can just empty your mind.  

There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ about these ideas and reflections – you’re just looking for messages from your deeper self (shadow) reflected on the canvas of nature itself.
88. Embrace IntimacyInstead of avoiding intimacy, intentionally open yourself up to it.Our ‘natural’ impulse is often to run away from intimacy because it will expose who we really are away from our masks and the protective cloak of the ego (despite us all, ironically, craving intimacy and being ‘seen’).  

Avoiding intimacy is a ‘safe’ way to stay in our comfort zones and to keep going through the same old patterns and scripts in life but it’s antithetical to our growth into wholeness.  

If there’s somebody in your life that you have an opportunity to be truly intimate (in the sense of sharing your real self) with, then step up and take it.  

Make a commitment to sharing the truth about yourself and life with this person to the greatest extent possible (and vice versa).  

This has to be somebody you can trust but if you can really let go and just allow yourself to be ‘seen’ then you will push the limits of your ego and truly taste expansion.  

Make some time to just really BE with somebody and to have a deep and truthful conversation and some shared moments of WHOLENESS (the ego is the opposite of reality which is why this is so powerful). 
89. Challenge AuthorityQuestion and challenge societal norms and authority figures.Our egos are often formed and kept in place because of the sources that we deem to have ‘authority’ over our lives – if we don’t question or challenge these sources then there’s a very high chance that some of the limits this authority imposes are just keeping our shadow at bay.  

For example, many people still live under the ‘authority’ of the narratives they picked up in school about certain human qualities – creativity, passion, aggression – not being ‘good’ if we want to be ‘productive’ members of society.  

In other cases, some of us blindly follow the advice of ‘thought leaders’, ‘experts’, and ‘media personalities’ that have made careers out of telling us what to ‘think’ at the cost of not understanding what we really think ourselves.  

You could even take this ‘authority’ as far as the law (though I don’t recommend breaking it!) – if you just accept everything without question then it’s quite likely that you really don’t know yourself and your own power.  

Make a list of the authority figures in your life, what they’ve taught you, and what questions you have about these teachings.   You might learn that hidden in your shadow is something much more deeply connected to the TRUTH that can open your life up and set you free.
90. Seek Darkness in LightLook for the darkness in the things that bring ‘light’ into your life.Look for shadows and hidden depths within seemingly bright and positive experiences, acknowledging the complexity of light and dark within every aspect of life.  

The ego is rooted in the idea of judgement and duality and the belief that things are either ‘light’ or ‘dark, ‘good’ or ‘bad’.   Reality itself – including our own shadow and the realness that it can invite into our lives – is beyond any of this duality and is a deeply rich and beautiful cocktail of different shades.  

Look at the things in your life that give it meaning or a sense of lightness in the darkness.   What qualities can you unpack here that may be the opposite of how you usually see these things?  

Few things are all ‘good’ or all ‘bad’ – if you can find the opposite qualities in the things you may have put on a pedestal then you can see where you may WANT to believe something rather than it simply just being ‘true’.  

In the gap between what you believe and the actual truth then you’ll see your own shadow and start moving towards wholeness.

Every ‘good’ thing comes with a COST – for example, if you get married that’s ‘good’ but the cost is that you can’t be with anybody else.

Every ‘bad’ thing comes with an OPPORTUNITY – for example, if you get seriously ill it will show you what’s important in life.

Look at your life in these terms and see where you’re blocking movement and flow being too either/or with your thinking.
91. Embrace RejectionSeek out rejection and embrace it as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.Recognise that ‘rejection’ is often a reflection of your shadow’s fears of unworthiness because of unresolved shame (a disconnection from the TRUTH about yourself and life).  

When we fear being rejected it’s because our ego has been built as a response to underlying fears of not being ‘good enough’ in some way and externalising the feeling that it may be possible to be ‘good enough’ to some source besides the truth (i.e. other human beings).  

Creating opportunities to ‘collect’ people saying ‘No’ to us can serve as a kind of ‘exposure therapy’ that removes some of the impact of being rejected and shows us that we’re ALWAYS REAL no matter what.  

This gives us a more solid foundation of ACCEPTANCE that can let us start moving with reality again because we’re not blocking it with ‘ego’ stuff.  

If you want to find a partner, for example, then create opportunities to put yourself out there and receive rejection (you might surprise yourself and get a ‘Yes’).  

If you’re a writer, then send your work to publishers and see how many times you can hear the word “NO”.  

Etc.  

The point is to overcome your fear of the word “NO” so you can see what remains and how you can keep saying “YES!” to yourself.  

That’s where the REAL ‘stuff’ is and where you’ll learn where you ego has been holding you back from seeing clearly.  

This will also teach you that “WHAT’S REAL IS ALWAYS REAL“.
92. Look for Unconscious IntentionsReverse engineer your life so you can see what you really think.We can learn a lot about what’s going on in our unconscious mind by looking at the RESULTS we keep getting in life (even though we might tell ourselves we don’t want these results).

For example, maybe you keep telling yourself (at the level of identity and EGO) that you “want to lose weight” but no matter what you ‘try’ you just can’t get the pounds off.  

Or maybe you keep telling yourself (at the level of ego again) that you want more success in your business but it just never seems to happen.  

In ALL cases like these, you can pretty much guarantee that you have an UNCONSCIOUS intention that outweighs the conscious one – whatever this is will tell you about your shadow so you can finally face facts and start freeing yourself.  

In the case of losing weight, the unconscious intention might be that you DON’T want to lose weight because you’re scared of the responsibility of being more attractive (for example).  

In the case of not getting that business success, this might because you actually have an unconscious fear of rejection and so you keep sabotaging yourself.

There’s a video I made about this here – ultimately, reverse engineering based on the results you keep getting is one of the most powerful ways to figure out what’s going on in your shadow and driving you.

93. Media Consumption AnalysisLook for themes in the kind of media you regularly consume.Looking for recurring themes and patterns that occur in the media you consume can tell you a lot about what might be bubbling away beneath the surface.  

For example, maybe you constantly watch WAR movies or play video games about adventure and epic quests and battles.  

This is just an example but it’s highly likely that this is showing you something about the REAL VALUES you hold that are not being expressed in your life and are stuck in the Shadow Territory.  

Maybe you need more ADVENTURE, maybe you need more camaraderie (which is why those war movies call to you), maybe you need to find a sense of meaning through some kind of QUEST.  

Or maybe you just watch romantic comedies all the time?  

Probably there’s some romantic ‘side’ of you that’s not getting expression.  

If you can figure out these patterns then you can start to actively BRING these things into your life in a real way and start integrating the shadow.
94. Unvisited PlacesLearn from the places you’ve never been but that call to you.Different places bring different ENERGY to our lives (for example, New York city is a totally ‘masculine’ / Yang place compared to a beach in Hawaii or something which is more ‘feminine’ / Yin).  

There are certain places that you want to visit but that you’ve not had the chance to do so yet – you can learn a lot about your unexpressed shadow needs by looking at the energy these places embody (even if it’s just an idea you’ve picked up, not the real thing).  

For example, I’ve never been to Miami but there’s something about it that really appeals to me – the ocean, the extreme weather, people living lives that seem completely free but also very cool and with a bit of attitude.  

Miami might not be like this at all but the point is that these QUALITIES are all really important to me at some level because they ‘speak’ to me.  

If I can learn to ‘listen’ and start bringing some of these qualities into my life then there’s a high chance I’ll allow some shadow ‘stuff’ to swim to the surface and live a more integrated life.
95. Random MemoriesPay attention to memories that pop up out of the blue.Pay attention to the random memories that ‘pop up’ in your experience when you’re just going about your business and doing something totally unrelated.  

This might be a memory about a place, a person, an experience – it really doesn’t matter…the idea is just to ‘capture’ these memories so they become something you can grasp consciously instead of it just being some nebulous thing that happens without you really ‘seeing’ it.  

It will be easier if you keep some kind of ‘journal’ (or just a dedicated note on your phone) so that you can train yourself to get better at capturing these memories and seeing them clearly.  

Once you’ve captured a memory then try and reflect on what it ‘means’ – maybe it’s just a random flash of images about a place you used to spend time in…you might decide this is telling you to face that the past is done or to go visit because you have ‘unfinished business’.

As with so many of these exercises, it doesn’t matter if you’re ‘right’ (you’ll never know for sure) – it matters that you take some meaning that can teach you what’s going on beneath the surface of yourself.
96. Destroy to CreateDestroy something that you want to let go of but struggle to stop clinging to.There are some things in our life that we would rather let go of but that we have some emotional need to cling to.  

In these cases, we annoy ourselves – or at least get frustrated with ourselves – because we know that we’re ready to move on but simply can’t.  

If there’s something in your life like this – either a physical object from the past or a toxic and unhealthy relationship in the present – then find the strength to ‘destroy’ this thing and to get rid of it.  

This will allow you to step away from the old patterns and ego scripts that keep you clinging and to CREATE a more real version of yourself from whatever learning you get as you move on.
97. Embrace DeathReflect on the fact that all of this is going to be over one day.Studies by researchers at Bar-Ilan University have shown that our brains are wired to distract us from thinking about our own mortality (though we can think about other people’s no problem!).

This makes a lot of sense as the EGO (which keeps the shadow at bay) is built around the illusion that nothing ever changes, that we will stay the same forever, and that we can distract ourselves from the truth.  

If you want to undo some of the programming of your ego and put yourself back into the natural FLOW of life (which involves the flow of your shadow towards integration and wholeness) then reflecting on your own DEATH can get you moving again.  

Stop and really look around you as focus on the fact that all of this is temporary – ask yourself who you really want to BECOME before it’s all over.  

By thinking about this and really FEELING into it, you can see what ideas and beliefs are rooted in a need to escape life and what you really need to DO to live a real life whilst you have time.

I have a free 7-Day Course with 158-page Workbook that starts with a module on ‘Death’ and helps you to find REALNESS & LIFE PURPOSE.
98. Take a Wilderness DaySpend a day either in the wilderness of nature or in the wilderness of your mind.A ‘Wilderness Day’ is what I call the days in my life where I actively separate myself from everybody else – either in nature or simply by staying in my apartment – and allowing whatever emotions etc. that need facing to be faced.  

The real ‘wilderness’ is your unconscious mind.

So often in life, we’re running around like headless chickens – completely DISTRACTING OURSELVES from ourselves and life.  

A Wilderness Day is a day where you commit fully to NOT distracting yourself – you simply spend time in solitude and wait for things that need to surface to surface.  

The fact is that – because of the natural drive we all share towards wholeness – there are always things just outside conscious awareness that are trying to get our attention: when we stop distracting ourselves we can reveal them fully, learn from them, and move on.  

Exactly what a ‘Wilderness Day’ looks like will be different for all of us – for me it means lots of yoga and meditation.

Figure out how you can LEARN from solitude and give yourself this amazing gift.
99. Drown in SilenceSpend a day or two in silence.There’s so much pressure for us to constantly have the ‘right’ thing to say or to know how to make conversations flow and to evolve.  

This leads to a state where many of us FEAR silence because we fear that if we stop making noise then we’ll lose control completely and won’t know who we are any more.   We also fear being ‘seen’ in some way before we’re ready for it (and so constant talking is a form of shame-driven control freakery).

This exercise challenges you to be SILENT for as long as possible.  

Doing this will teach you the real value of your words and help you to determine the difference between EXPRESSING yourself for real reasons and DEPRESSING yourself (without knowing) because you’re just going through the motions.  

If you find it difficult to ride out silence without distracting yourself then there’s a very high chance you find it difficult to just ‘be’ with yourself and others.  

This almost always means there’s some ego ‘stuff’ going on and your shadow is waiting to be revealed in the silence (if you can just ride it out).
100. Embrace AbsurdityPlay with situations and scenarios to remind yourself of the absurd ways we seek meaning.Many of the goals and ambitions we hold for ourselves are really just a way of maintaining order and finding ‘meaning’ in a chaotic universe where we have very little control.  

Maybe – like me – you’ll try and find meaning in some creative endeavour or by trying to serve others and help them connect to themselves.  

Maybe you want to climb a mountain and be the ‘best’ at something so you can feel like it all ‘matters’.  

This exercise challenges you to actively seek the ABSURDITY in our tendency to take these things so seriously.  

Look around you and remind yourself to LAUGH at how crazy all this is – the ego takes things way too seriously but our shadow knows it’s all just a game.

If you can embrace that and loosen up then you can PLAY with life and get in the flow.

I hope at least a few of these exercises ‘speak’ to you and give you some impetus to start raising AWARENESS of what’s going on in your unconscious mind and trying to get your attention.

The bottom line when it comes to Shadow Work is that we’re always being CALLED towards more wholeness by either RELEASING the things that no longer serve us or INTEGRATING the truths that can save us from ourselves (or…at least, the ego).

When we can step out of our own way and ‘lose ourselves to find ourselves’ then we can get into the natural rhythm of life that allows us to flow instead of only ever forcing things through ego and getting back friction, frustration and misery.

As the famous quote by Carl Jung says:

‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’

The Shadow is constantly trying to work its way back into the centre of your life so that you can be the REAL version that you were meant to be.

By doing some of these Shadow Work exercises, you can speed up the process of making the unconscious conscious so you can make REAL CHOICES about who you are and what you’re doing with your life.

Our ‘Fate’ is the cards we were dealt with; our ‘Destiny’ is what happens with the CHOICES we make about these cards – if the gap between who you think you are and who you really are is minimal then these choices will take you where you need to be and you can live a life that’s REAL.

If you want to learn more about the Shadow and bringing your shadow life back to the surface then check out my book on the subject: Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World.

If you want to talk to me about working together or any of the ‘stuff’ you’ve read on this site then book a call with me or send an email.

Stay real out there,

Emotional Manipulation & Blackmail: How to Stop Being Played & Stay REAL

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If you don’t read this article, then you’re a terrible human being.

Oh, hi there.

Before we get started with all this, I just want to say that if you don’t read this article, then you’re a terrible human being:

You’re holding back the human race. Your degeneracy and immoral attitude towards life is ultimately ruining society.

And it’s people like you that make life way more difficult than it needs to be.

For the rest of us – the ‘good’ people out here in the world – who are just going about our business being real and so on and so forth….

Oh, wait a second. All of the things I just said were complete horsesh*t. It was my attempt to emotionally manipulate or blackmail you, into reading the rest of this long ass article – that’s because this (emotional manipulation and blackmail) is the theme of what follows.

If you read it, you’re going to become more aware of all of the emotional manipulation going on in the world and in your life, and – more importantly – I’m going to help you to become immune to it by giving you an inoculation, metaphorically speaking, so that you can stop buying into all that bs, stop being manipulated, and live a real life without unnecessary drama and nonsense.

Let’s have at it.

Emotional manipulation involves taking total responsibility for someone else’s feelings.

So before we get into the heavier stuff, let’s begin with a really simple definition of what we mean by emotional manipulation and/or blackmail, which are basically the same thing:

Emotional manipulation and blackmail is any instance of somebody else trying to make you take total responsibility for their feelings, their choices, their expectations, and ideas by turning your feelings against you.

Normally the feelings they’re going to “turn against you” are most likely to be fear, guilt and shame, and they’ll control you by creating some unreal standard of how you should behave, of how you should be, how you should feel.

If you don’t act according to this unreal standard – which is just something that they pulled out of their ass so that they can maintain their ego and not have to change or grow in life – then they’re going to put you on a guilt trip, they’re going to punish you, they’re going to basically make your life a living hell because they want you to take their feelings as your own and be responsible for them, when actually that is total nonsense (because at the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own feelings).

If you have some kind of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ inside you (again, usually SHAME) that makes you take on board that responsibility, then you’re going to get caught up in the cycle of being emotionally manipulated. And if you want to put an end to that, you need to ask yourself why you’re buying into it. That’s what we’re about to do.

So in this article, we’re really just going to explore why you would accept that responsibility for somebody else’s feelings and choices etc., and why you would live up or try to live up to their unrealistic standards that they have just created in order to control you in the first place (so that they can stay the same and they can watch you dance through hoops and do a whole song and dance, trying to please them so they can feel powerful).

Ultimately, that’s what this is all about: a power dynamic. And the only way that you end up giving away your power is by getting detached from your own realness, your own truth about yourself, and starting to believe some unreal nonsense that can only really belong to your ego.

And so if you can step back from your own ego ‘stuff’ and you can start to see clearly again, then you’re ultimately going to be able to stop feeding into other people’s egos, and that’s going to allow the whole house of cards to fall down.

The only reason that emotional manipulation works is because at some level, you’re choosing to be manipulated. And normally, that’s just so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable – i.e. it’s so you can feel the familiar buzz of being who you currently think you, are.

But if you’re being manipulated, then whatever it is that you think you are is unreal.

And so what you need to do is to flip the script, start being real again, and get your power back; when you do this, you remove the power over whoever it is in your life that’s manipulating you with all of this ‘stuff’.

Now, the bottom line, for the record, is that nobody is responsible for their own feelings and choices apart from themselves.

Except maybe in extreme cases, of course – if somebody’s holding a gun to your head, maybe they can coerce you and make you choose something that you don’t want.

But on a day to day basis, we are all responsible for our own feelings and our own choices.

And that means that anytime somebody tries to pass that ownership on to you, instead of owning their own feelings and choices, you have a choice to make:

You can either stop it in its tracks, or you can try and take it because of your own ego ‘stuff’ and your need to feel approval or love or whatever it is that you think you’re going to get by taking it on board.

In that moment – when you have that choice to make – that is where you have the opportunity to step into your power.

Accepting this fact of life – that we’re all responsible for our own choices and our own feelings – doesn’t mean that we should go around purposely trying to upset people or ruin their lives by upsetting them. It just means that if we’ve been real and we’re going about our lives the best way that we can, chasing our values and our true intentions and all that kind of stuff, we probably will upset at least one or two people along the way (purely because we all have different needs and agendas which is totally fine and healthy).

But as long as we’re not doing that intentionally, we don’t have to fall into the trap of being controlled when people are upset with us being on a real path whilst they’re getting worked up over something unreal in their minds – I’m just putting that out there because even though we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, we don’t need to purposely annoy people.

But at the same time, we don’t need to get so worked up and upset if we do upset somebody that we allow ourselves to be manipulated.

Emotional manipulation is basically when people try to make you own things that aren’t yours.

So now I’m going to give you three examples of the most common types of emotional manipulation.

Once you’re aware of these, you’re going to see them all over the place because a lot of people are coming at life from a place of ego and they don’t even know that they’re manipulating other people – it’s just a survival mechanism that they’ve picked up to be able to cope in life and get the results that they think want.

And so a lot of the time it’s automatic. It’s not like people are just evil or anything like that. It’s just something that they do because they’ve always done it.

But anyway, as we already said, emotional manipulation is basically when people try and make you own things that aren’t yours, like their feelings and choices, or when they try and get you to be something that you’re not and that you can never be, because what they’re asking you to be is some unreal thing that they’ve concocted because of their own ego stuff and their desire to keep the ego where it is and to not have to face their own stuff and grow real.

So here’s the three examples:

Example #1: Feelings

The first example of emotional manipulation is the feelings thing. It shows up like this:

Somebody will say to you, “If you don’t watch read this article that I wrote, if you don’t walk my dog, if you don’t, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I’m going to be really upset, I’m going to be really angry, I’m going to kill myself, I’m going to jump off a bridge” or whatever it is.

This is their attempt to persuade you that you are responsible for their feelings and what they do with those feelings.

Now if you’re the kind of person who has been conditioned to please everybody, i.e. you’re a people pleaser or a nice guy, whatever you want to call it, this is going to work on you because the most horrifying thing that you can imagine is making somebody feel negative emotions.

Actually, if you put yourself in the position of being responsible for this person’s feelings, or, even worse, show them that you actually will take responsibility by walking their dog or reading their stupid articles so they don’t jump off a bridge, etc. then you’re actually showing them that they can control you in that way.

When you look around you’ll see that this type of manipulation is everywhere:

It comes from our parents, sometimes it comes from our siblings, it comes from our friends -but at the end of the day, you are not responsible for anybody’s feelings except your own.

So even if they do get upset, even if they’re angry, or whatever then it’s not because of something you could or couldn’t do differently, but because of the choices they’re making about their own feelings.

Even in the absolute worst possible case of them going to jump off a bridge, it’s not because you didn’t walk their dog or whatever; it’s because – at some level – they just wanted to do that, which I know sounds really harsh, but the point is that you’re not responsible for their feelings. And if they try and make you feel that way, well…you just got manipulated.

Example #2: Choices

The second example of how manipulation and blackmail of this type shows up is around choices.

It takes place when somebody makes a choice that’s maybe not the best choice, and instead of taking responsibility for it, they try and find a way to blame you.

So maybe, for example, you go for lunch with a friend and they’re on a diet or wherever it is, and during the lunch, they end up just eating loads of calories and going away from the diet plan that they’re on.

After the meal, they start blaming you:

“Oh, my God, I can’t believe you let me order that on the menu. Like, you know, I’m on a diet and blah, blah, blah.”

Or maybe you got another friend who is trying not to drink alcohol, and, you go out and they have a few pints, and then the next day, well, it’s your fault because you let it happen.

Now, maybe you could have tried to talk them out of it if you so desired, but ultimately, that choice was theirs. And as soon as you let them put you on a guilt trip for the choice that they made, well, again… you just got manipulated.

As soon as you start kind of trying to pacify these kinds of people –  or put an argument forward as to why you let it happen or why you wish you didn’t let it happen or you show that you feel bad about it or whatever – well, congratulations…you’ve just been manipulated again.

Example #3: Being

The third form of this kind of emotional manipulation is sometimes quite subtle, but it’s also very common, and it happens all over the place.

This is the kind of manipulation I’ve already alluded to where somebody pulls an unrealistic standard out of their bee-hind and then they use that standard against you, even though it’s just something that they concocted because of their own ego.

Once they’ve conjured up this standard, they try and use it as a sort of box that they want you to live in so that they can keep you under control and so that they stay the same (they need the box to avoid facing their own ‘stuff’) – ultimately, what we’re talking about here is a kind of control freakery.

We can safely say that these people are control freaks because they’re filtering life through the ego and the only way that their ego can maintain its hold over them is if you voluntarily put yourself in this kind of a box so that they can stay in their comfort zone.

Ultimately, the way that this box takes shape by demanding that you be something that you’re not.

Three really common examples or, areas where this happens are in relationships, friendships and at work.

So, for example, in relationships, your partner might say, “Right, if you don’t remember every single little detail of my life, then you don’t love me” – and ultimately that’s impossible because nobody can remember every single little detail of somebody’s life (and doing so has nothing to do with love but how good your memory is).

As soon as you buy into this idea and trying living up to it as though it’s actual reality, well, you’re putting yourself up for all kinds of guilt trips. They’re going to be able to control you. They’re going to say, “Well, because you don’t remember every little detail of my life and you don’t love me, you’re going to have to walk my dog and you’re going to have to do this, you’re going to have to do that.”

It’s all bs though and it only maintains its hold over you because you choose to let it.

In friendships, they might say something like, “If you don’t lend me £1000 (or whatever) you’re not a real friend” – and the box, ultimately, is shaped by this definition of “a real friend”.

That’s what all of these kinds of thing are about in relation to how you should “be”:

They create a label that is ultimately a mask for all kinds of bs that you can never live up to but that you’re required to live up to in order to receive emotional validation. If you don’t know that you can give yourself this validation then you’ll be ensnared in the trap.

That’s really the whole point of these labels and ‘standard’ from the POV of the manipulator/blackmailer:

You’re not supposed to be able to live up to it because if you can, they’re not going to have anything to moan about and manipulate you with.

Anyway, so, in the ‘friendship’ thing, this kind of manipulation shows up like this:

“If you don’t call me every night and listen to me talk about all my problems nonstop, you’re not a real friend.”

“If you don’t drop all of your plans, you’re not a real friend.”

Basically, the box is the idea of a “real friend” and they can come up with all kinds of highfalutin ideas about what it means to live in that box. But actually, you don’t want to live in the box. That’s the whole point. You want to get out of it.

The third thing is, third example here is at work, your boss might say, “If you don’t work on a Saturday, then you’re not going to get that promotion. You’re not a good employee”, or “If you don’t stay and do overtime, even though it’s not in your contract, then you obviously don’t care about this place, and you’re not part of the family here in the workplace, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”.

It’s all nonsense. They’re saying that you should be a certain thing so that you can live up to their standards and climb into another one of those ‘boxes’.

As soon as you try to be whatever that is, instead of realising that it’s just pure nonsense and refusing to feed into it, then you’ve been manipulated.

In all of these cases, emotional manipulation only works if you let it – whether it’s about taking responsibility for their feelings, their choices, or trying to live up to being some unreal standard just so that their ego can maintain its hold over them, the solution in all cases is the same, and it’s very simple:

Don’t feed into it with your own ego.

The only reason you’d buy into this kind of manipulation is because your ego is causing you to believe something unreal, and so, the solution, as always – because “REAL ALWAYS WORKS” – is to step back, find your realness, and to ground yourself in something true.

And as soon as you do that, you’re no longer pouring gasoline on the fire by allowing your ego to meet their ego.

Now, often if you resist – in fact, usually if you resist – the next level after the initial manipulation is that they’re going to try and punish you:

They might make threats or they might give you the silent treatment. They might call you all kinds of names. They might constantly put you on a guilt trip and try to make you feel bad.

We could fill a whole thick book with examples of the kind of punishment that these manipulators are going to try and enforce upon you if you don’t buy into the manipulation… but in all cases, the solution is the same and it’s simply to just not feed into it.

As soon as somebody gives you the silent treatment, for example, and you start chasing after them and trying to beseech them and get down on your knees and beg that they start talking to you again, all you’ve done is managed to show them that the manipulation is working.

In other words, any attempts to appease them by giving them what they want is only going to make the situation worse.

So let’s take a quick look at how by just being REAL you can give yourself an immunization to the emotional manipulation and black by not feeding it.

Don’t feed the Gremlin.

“Do not feed the gremlin” – this is the lesson to remember next.

The solution to the problem of emotional manipulation is always to find your realness again.

I know that sounds simplistic, but the only way that you can be manipulated is because you had a moment of being unreal that taught whoever is manipulating you how to press your buttons – and if you have a button that can be pressed, it simply means that you have some unresolved shame or guilt – or even trauma (in the most extreme cases) – around something that whenever it’s pressed causes you to react in an unreal way.

The mechanics behind this are simple:

Every time that button is pressed, it’s ultimately just causing your emotions to send your ego kicking into gear – once this has been triggered you’re going to feed into the ego dance between yourself and the manipulator where you’re engaged in the power battle we talked about for being responsible for their feelings, their choices, and being whatever it is that they say you should be – so that they can finally approve of you and make you feel good (when if you focus on being REAL, you can naturally feel good about yourself anyway without them giving you the approval and validation and all that kind of stuff).

And so, what I’m saying is that you need to take the power back by realising that the only person who can press your buttons is you – and you can only do that by facing the underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that is causing those buttons to be ‘pressable’ in the first place.

There are a few strategies here that can help you in relation to these emotional manipulators and they’re all very simple:

The overarching strategy is what I’ve already said:

Don’t feed the Gremlin.

If you realise that somebody is emotionally manipulating you, then the best thing to do is to ignore them. If somebody is giving you the silent treatment, for example, ignore them right back until they cool off and come back.

Let them go off and be silent and brood and do whatever it is that they’re doing – just don’t chase after them. That’s the worst thing you can do.

If somebody is giving you the whole spiel about how if you don’t do a certain thing, then you’re not a “good friend” or a “good lover” or a “good employee” or whatever else, let them think that and don’t be shaken from yourself.

“So be it. Okay, then. I’m not a good lover. I’m not a good friend. I’m not a good employee. Oh, my God, the world is going to crumble around me.”

Not.

(Because the standard that they’re holding you accountable to is not real).

And so, ultimately, this is always the best policy: Just ignore them. Let them get on with it.

Don’t feed the Gremlin.

That will show you that they actually have no power over you – because by ignoring it, you’re kind of going to flip the script.

If they really do care about you, deep down, they’re going to have to come back to you and change the whole dynamic of the relationship by communicating in a different way and looking at how their behaviour is only serving their ego and not the relationship.

If they don’t? Well, remember the sacred mantra:

“Gimme something REAL or GTFO”.

So that’s the ultimate way to avoid the manipulation. Just ignore it and don’t feed that gremlin.

If you got some ego stuff going on, that’s going to be hard. You’re going to have a little voice in your head saying, “Oh, help me Lord, I can’t believe I’m ignoring this person. I’m a bad person”.

Or, you’ll have another niggling voice saying, “Oh, Heaven’s above, what if I am a bad lover? What if I am a bad friend?”

No. That voice is your conditioning but you’ve confused it for your conscience. It’s the ego.

If you’re coming from a place of wholeness and you care about that person and you’re there for them, but you still care about yourself and your own life, that doesn’t make you a bad anything – it means you have healthy boundaries (shock! horror!).

You’re a human being, and there’s no point trying to live up to these UNREAL standards that people create so that they can manipulate you for their own shame-driven reasons (don’t judge them, though, just ignore them and don’t feed the gremlin)!

YouTube player
This article is based on a transcript from this video on my YouTube Channel.

You can set boundaries or walk away if someone is manipulating you.

The other two things that you can do are:

One, you can just say “No!” and set the boundaries.

Boundaries always begin by saying “No” to the unreal ‘stuff’ and “Yes” to the REAL.

You might have to say it a few times but eventually they’ll get the message…

There’s a famous technique in assertiveness training called the ‘Broken Record Technique’ where you literally just say the same line every time.

So if somebody says to you, for example, “Go walk my dog or I’m going to jump off a bridge”, you can say, “Well, look, I really don’t want you to jump off a bridge because I love you and I care about you, but I’m not going to walk your dog right now because I have to go focus on my own thing and do some yoga or whatever.”

Then they’ll come back at you with more manipulation, “Oh, you don’t love me, blah, blah, blah. You want me to jump off a bridge”.

Just say the same thing (like a broken record):

“Well, actually I really don’t want you to jump off a bridge because I really love you and I think you’re an amazing person. But I have to go do this other thing right now. Sorry about that.”

The other thing you can do is to remember the super ultimate mantra that comes into play in all relationships, which is the one I mentioned above:

“Gimme something real or GTFO”.

If somebody is only ever manipulating you and your attempts to not buy into it or to set boundaries don’t work, then you’re actually allowed to just walk away.

And maybe when you do walk away, they’ll reflect and they’ll realise that they need to change their way of doing things – or maybe you’ll never see them again, but it’s better to be alone than in unreal company.

If you know that and you have an abundance mindset – which means you can understand there are other opportunities out there and that you don’t have to put up with this kind of treatment – life gets way easier and more real as you’ll remove unnecessary drama from your life.

So in the face of manipulation and blackmail you can either:

  1. Ignore it by remembering not to feed the gremlin and so it loses it’s power.
  2.  You can say “No” and set boundaries (which may make things worse depending on the person).
  3. You can just GTFO and go find someone who actually appreciates you and isn’t going to manipulate you.

Three reasons why people may not step into their realness in the face of emotional manipulation:

So I want to finish this article with three main reasons why people may not step into their realness and end this cycle of manipulation that they may have found themselves in.

These are really common reasons, and if you understand them, it’s going to give you that awareness to be able to make that choice to step into something real and not keep going around in circles trying to please somebody who can never ever be pleased.

The bottom line with all this is that manipulators and blackmailers can’t be pleased – they’re a black hole of shame that has consumed them:

They don’t want to be pleased. They want to manipulate you so they can feel powerful – and if you understand that, it’s going to make it easier to step into your realness and be who you need to be.

The first reason that stops a lot of people ending this cycle of emotional manipulation is that they have unresolved shame and guilt themselves (they’re shame-driven people, ultimately, and so they don’t know how to be real because the opposite of realness is ego which is always fuelled by shame).

If you have guilt, you’re going to be really easy to control, because guilt is ultimately just a useless case of some external voice infiltrating our brains and telling us that there’s something wrong with us because we’re not doing this or we’re not doing that (shame, in contrast, is about there something ‘wrong’ with your being itself – always unreal!).

If you’re carrying guilt like this, then you’re ultimately going to have buttons that can be pressed.

And it’s the same with shame:

If you have feelings of worthlessness or that you’re not good enough, it means that you don’t accept yourself and that you’re avoiding something inside your experience of who you are that’s causing these buttons to be ‘pressable’ in the first place. And so actually, the solution is to face those unresolved emotions.

Normally, what happens when people face them, they finally (after years of avoidance) just look at them head on, is they dissolve. It’s the resistance that causes them to linger in the first place. And we resist them by hiding behind our own egos.

As soon as we take the ego out of the equation and we take a good long look at what’s going on inside us, those buttons can no longer be pressed, because the buttons mean that we’re resisting something.

When we turn inwards and we face the truth about who we are, we are going to be way less likely to be ‘manipulatable’, because people will still try and press the buttons, but – like I said earlier – we now realise that the power of the button is in our hands.

That’s the most important thing to remember:

You can only be manipulated if your buttons can be pressed; your buttons can only be pressed if you’re resisting something; the power to face things is always in your hands.

So you can avoid all kinds of external ‘button pressing’ by staying grounded in your realness and by understanding what’s making those buttons ‘pressable’ in the first place.

All you need to do is start finding ways to make whatever you’re resisting dissolve, which always means bringing the truth into our lives, allowing the unconscious to become conscious.

Once you do this, you’ll be free of your own inner fragmentation whilst also being free of the external fragmentation in the form of these relationships where you get endlessly manipulated until you reclaim your power.

The second thing that stops people from staying real – being grounded in their realness in the face of these emotional manipulators, and either ignoring what they’re doing (ignoring the silent treatment, for example, or walking away, or setting a boundary) – is a fear of conflict.

They’re worried that if they go back to being real, then the unreal person in this situation – the emotional manipulator –  is going to do something that the real person, or the person trying to break the cycle, can’t tolerate – or is going to cause them to be in a situation where they feel lonely, or they feel bad about themselves, or whatever it is.

When this happens it’s actually just a sign that you (the person being manipulated/blackmailed in this scenario) don’t have an abundance mindset.

For example, maybe you’re in a relationship and somebody is constantly manipulating you and you’ve tried to set the boundary or whatever it is, and you’re ready to step up – to actually call them out on it – but you’re worried that they’re going to end the relationship if you do.

Well… that’s because you have a scarcity mindset.

An abundance mindset would show you that if they do end the relationship, maybe that’s for the best.

Because why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that’s manipulating you all the time, even after you set boundaries and expressed what’s REAL to you?

It’s the same with a friendship:

If you have a friend who’s always taking the p*ss and trying to send you on a guilt trip or whatever it is…

Maybe, for example, you call attention to it and they say, “Right, that’s it, F you, I’m not your friend anymore” and they disappear.

Is this a ‘bad’ thing or have they just done you a favour?

The same with a job:

Obviously, jobs and our ability to pay the bills and stuff are intertwined – but, at the end of the day, if you tell your boss that you’re sick of this emotional manipulation and he says, “Right, that’s it – you’re fired!”

Well, s/he’s just done you a favour as well – but if you have a scarcity mindset, you’re not going to realise that you can go replace these things – your unreal relationships, ‘friendships’, employment situations, or whatever they are – and because you’re probably replacing them with something better or more REAL, well…it’s nothing to worry about.

It just means some short term discomfort as you rearrange the fabric of your life and go from unreal to real.

The third main reason that stops people from breaking the cycle of emotional manipulation by being real is that they actually have empathy and compassion for the person manipulating them.

Now, empathy and compassion, we all like those things, right?

Obviously, it’s very important to have them.

But in this case of dealing with an emotional manipulator, empathy and compassion are actually your enemies. They just make the situation worse.

For example, if you start telling yourself a story like “this person is manipulating me because they had a difficult childhood”, or “they’re going through a lot of stress at the moment”, or whatever it is, you’re actually making your life more difficult, because by doing that, it’s going to change your thinking and feeling in that way is going to change your behaviour towards the person and you’re going to cave into the manipulations.

In a strange way, the empathy and compassion are just going to make you more easy to manipulate in this kind of scenario.

What you need to do is remind yourself that manipulators are human beings too:

We can have sympathy for them and understand that, “Okay, life is difficult and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”, but we need to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and so if you’re putting them before yourself in this situation, you’re just going to keep being manipulated because you’re showing them that you are going to submit to them and their manipulations.  In other words, the cycle is never going to end.

This doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ person. It just means you may have to be a little bit emotionally reserved so that you don’t give into their ego ‘stuff’ and whatever sob story comes with it because – the moment that you do – you’re giving your power over to them.

None of this is to say that we shouldn’t be compassionate in life – it just means that in this particular case, if you’re too compassionate towards someone that’s manipulating you, you’re just giving them permission to keep doing it.

So that’s ultimately all I need to say for now:

Emotional manipulation is a power struggle. “Power” is the key word because the only way that you can give away your power is by giving into illusions, which means that your ego is in control instead of your realness.

As soon as you do that, you meet the ego of the manipulator with your own ego because of your own unconscious shame and guilt and trauma and all these kind of things, then you’re just going to keep this cycle, this dance of emotional manipulation going by feeding the gremlin.

You can end the cycle at any time by just being real and not feeding into it – but to do that, you have to really be grounded in your realness because the manipulator is going to challenge you:

They’re going to try and make things worse. They’re going to push those buttons more and more and more.

But if you just stay real and you stay grounded, it’s almost impossible to be manipulated.

After reading this (long ass) article you know that there’s people trying to make you responsible for their feelings and their choices – or that they’re trying to get you to be something you never can be.

You’re going to see this all over the place. And it’s not just between people in ‘real’ life:

You turn on the TV, someone’s going to be manipulating you; you’re scrolling through your social media, some influencer is going to be trying to manipulate you – it’s everywhere.

But no matter where you’re experiencing this, it’s always the same:

You’re either being unreal because your ego is feeding into it, or you’ve been real and you can just keep flowing and do your own thing without any of this bs holding you back – making you feel bad, or just getting in the way of living a real life and being who you really are – not who they’re demanding that you to be because of their own ‘stuff’.

Stay real out there,


If you want to grow into your REALNESS then either book a call with me or sign-up for my free 7-Day course in REALNESS and life purpose.

Enter your email to join my mailing list and get the course login and workbook:

Embracing WRONGNESS: How Being ‘Wrong’ Can Set You Right

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Being ‘wrong’ may be exactly what you’re looking for…this article will help you understand why.

Oh, hi there.

In this article, we’re going to explore how being ‘wrong’ is actually a good thing that can free you from the ideas you hold about yourself that are holding you back from life so that you can evolve into your REALNESS and the person that you were born to be

When you truly embrace being ‘wrong’ in this way, you can step into your potential, have better relationships with other people, and feel the sense of tranquillity and peace that comes from letting go of the need to control everything through being ‘right’ all the time.

When you embrace being ‘wrong’ in this way, you’ll find that you’re not constantly forcing life through control freakery and manipulation in an attempt to bend everything to your will, (which is probably wrong anyway) and you can just relax into you true humanity – in other words, you can just allow yourself to be a REAL human being who is limited in understanding and is humble enough to not attempt to be omniscient omnipotent (that’s EGO).

So the short-version of all this is that if you can just get over yourself – sorry to say – and start being ‘wrong’, I can pretty much guarantee that life is going to be way better because you’re going to be aligned with REALITY instead of forcing yourself against it and bringing unnecessary friction, frustration, and misery into your life.

Let’s go.

Socrates: “I know that I know nothing”.

So somebody like me popping up and saying that we should be wrong isn’t actually a new thing. That’s because “there is nothing new under the sun” and the human condition has always been the human condition as long as human beings have been around – and not one of us mortals – in the whole of human history – has ever been right about everything. Ever.

The most famous quote that sums this up is Socrates, the Greek philosopher. He said (quoted by Plato): “True wisdom is knowing that I know nothing.”

That’s a good way to say it. It might be a little bit extreme because we all know a little bit of something. Like, for example, I know that I need a haircut. I know that the weather outside is pretty ‘bad’ right now. So I do know something.

Either way, the point stands that if we think we know everything, then maybe we do know nothing, or we don’t know enough. Because only if you know that you don’t know everything can you truly know something and align yourself with the truth of our life. And so ultimately, I think Socrates was right: Wisdom is knowing that we don’t know everything. Let’s say it like that.

No matter who you are or what you’ve experienced, there’s always more to learn and the things you think you may know could eventually turn out to be wrong so the most REAL approach is to remain open-minded.

What we think we ‘know’ and happen to be ‘right’ about is usually just conceptual ideas and interpretations that we’ve created about life on the best judgments that we have according to the greatest understanding that we have – but because conceptual knowledge is just made of concepts and concepts are not reality itself there’s always going to be limits and we’re never going to be 100% ‘right about things. That’s just the human condition, I guess.

The thing about ‘concepts’ is that can either point you towards reality or away from it – they can never be reality itself (which we can only know through EXPERIENCE, not concepts).

For example, the concept ‘dog’ points to a thing that exists in the world; the concept ‘unicorn’ points to something that just isn’t real, although we can imagine them anyway. The point here is if we’re just trying to interpret life through our interpretations and conceptual knowledge, then we’re always going to be limited.

But for some reason, even though we all often like to believe that wisdom is one of the keys to happiness, we sometimes act in a way where we’re not being wise, according to Socrates’ definition, because we’re acting like we know everything, which is always going to cause problems.

So here’s why:

The bottom line is that human beings can’t know everything. It’s literally impossible because the truth itself is whole but we are fragmented. We’re in fragmented bodies on a fragmented planet, swimming through a fragmented relationship with time, space, and causality – if you want to get into all that.

That means that, by definition, we’re always going to be ‘wrong’ about something – we could even go so far as to say that it’s just our nature to be wrong (and that’s fine…it’s what makes life interesting and keeps us learning and evolving).

And, even if we do just grasp something that seems true through our conceptual understanding, then life just keeps moving anyway, and the STATIC concepts in our head are inherently conflicted with the way that reality is in FLUX all around us. In practical terms, this just means that there’s a very high chance that the concepts we’re using to make ‘sense’ of life are pretty much guaranteed to eventually be out of date, and then we’re just going to be back where we started: being ‘wrong’.

And so, actually, if you’re out there plodding through life like you’ve got everything figured out and that you’re ‘right’ about everything, like I often do, then something has gone horribly wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. And the reason it’s gone horribly wrong is because it is our nature to be wrong about things – and so if we think we’re right about everything, we are literally going against our own realness.

We’re not accepting who we are. We’re not accepting life. We’re not accepting the world. We’ve taken ourselves out of the natural, REAL flow of things – which means that we keep moving, we keep evolving, and, by extension, we have to keep learning. And, that means that we will realise we were wrong and that we can go deeper into understanding the things that we already think we know.

And so if we take ourselves out of that process, we’re actually removing ourselves or distancing ourselves from our humanity and from our realness. And actually, that’s what this is all about:

The best way for human beings to feel ‘good’ is to be aligned with our realness – with our natural flow of constant growth and evolution and movement towards WHOLENESS.

YouTube player
This article is based on a transcript of this video from my YouTube Channel.

If we stop moving with that NATURAL DRIVE towards wholenes or we stunt our growth and stagnate because we keep putting these conceptual blocks in our own path and try to be ‘right’ about them and defend them, then we’re going to have a really ‘bad’ time.

And so, as per usual, it all comes down to the same old problem:

What is that same old problem?

Well, you guessed it, boys and girls, it’s the EGO.

The ego is the illusion of separation, the illusion of disconnection. And in relation to what we’re talking about, the illusion of stasis, the idea that for some bizarre reason, even though everything that’s real continues to move and ebb and flow and to keep changing, we fight to stay the same.

And the more we cling to that static picture of who we are, what we think the world is, what we think reality is – the more we cling to that – the harder things get for us, because we put in friction between ourselves and life.

But even though it’s hard, so many of us try and cling to this static picture because we don’t want to face all of the ‘stuff’ going on beneath the surface that the natural unfolding and changes in life are going to cause us to face as the unconscious becomes conscious and we have to take a good look at ourselves so we can become whole again.

As a kind of COPING MECHANISM, we create these points of view, these systems of thought – these ideologies – that are ultimately an extension of the ego. And that is actually the main (and perhaps only)  problem.

When people are obsessed with being ‘right’, what they’re actually doing is trying to defend a point of view that they’ve created, which is an extension of the thing that’s causing them to be miserable in the first place (because they think they need for survival).

People always talk about how the ego is a survival thing that we evolved for protection and this is true – it helped us to survive whatever we’ve been through in the past and the emotional pain that we weren’t ready to face at that time. – in addition to this, though, the points of view that we attach to – like our political views and whatever else – are more often than not, if we’re obsessed and fixated with them being ‘right’, an extension of the same old ego.

A point of view ultimately, in this sense, is just the ego’s way of working its way through the world and interacting with the world so that it can maintain its hold over us. And so what I’m saying is that when people are so obsessed with being ‘right’, they’re not actually bothered about the truth; they’re bothered about protecting the ego so they don’t have to change.

This is why it’s important to be wrong and to be open to being wrong, because if you’re not – if you’re going around through life just trying to be ‘right’ about everything – you think that you’re protecting yourself, but actually all you’re doing is protecting the ego, which is the only thing making you miserable in the first place.

And so, paradoxically, perhaps, by being WRONG, you can have some short-term discomfort, sure, but you can also free yourself from this idea, this parasite that has wrapped itself around your psyche and that is holding you back from real life.

So the short version of all that is that the more you need your point of view to be ‘right’, or the more you need other people to believe that your point of view is right – and to come to your way of thinking – the more you’re basically trying to convince yourself that it’s true because, at some level, you don’t actually believe it because it only really exists because of the fundamental state of disconnection within yourself – because of fragmentation, because of the shame, guilt, and/or trauma that have caused you to create a little ego version of yourself and to put that out into the world.

If you understand that, you can realise that, “Okay, if I want to be happy, if I want to feel peace, if I want to be tranquil, blah, blah, blah, I can step back from all that bullshit.

I can be open to the fact that I might be wrong, and I can realise that, actually, all of my opinions and all of my points of view and so on and so forth, they’re not ME or that I am. They’re just something that I have.

And if I can see that, and I can get a better relationship to the truth, then I can solve a lot of problems in my life.”

Because most of the bullshit going on out there in the world, if you look around you, is just people arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong. But it’s all nonsense.

Here’s a little secret about life (if you want to use a dramatic word like secret):

It’s not really a secret, but anyway, this thing that I’m about to share is this: The truth is the truth.

Wow. That’s deep, right?

But what it means is that the truth doesn’t change. Nobody has ever argued about the truth. Nobody can argue about the truth. Throughout all of human history, the billions and billions of dead people – and there are more dead people than living people (just throwing that out there) – but anyway, throughout human history, nobody has ever argued about the truth.

Which may sound weird at first, but when you think about it, the only thing we can argue about is our interpretations of the truth. Our opinions of the truth, our understanding of the truth, none of those things are the truth itself.

None of our attempts to defend the truth have any effect on the truth itself

None of the arguments that we have, nor any of our attempts to defend what we think is the truth – or to shatter other people’s visions of the truth because we disagree with it – none of that stuff has any effect on the truth itself.

And so if you can understand that, the ‘secret’, it actually allows you to kind of step back and to relax because you realise there’s two different levels:

1) There’s the level of fragmentation and all the opinions and the arguments and etc. going on out there in the world. And then there’s: 2) just the truth itself – which is just there truthing along without anything impacting it or anything affecting it. The truth is just the truth – all of these circles we run around in trying to be ‘right’ and to make other people wrong, they have no effect on it whatsoever.

And even if you think you do have the truth, even if you did have the truth, you wouldn’t need to waste time defending it and trying to be ‘right’ about it, because it doesn’t need defending, because nothing can change it, nothing can hurt it, nothing can have any impact on it whatsoever.

You either accept it and you’re happy or you don’t accept it, and then you spend your life arguing about whatever you think is the substitute for it, and then you get miserable. And it’s really that simple.

The truth does not need defending. The truth does not need you going out there running around trying to be ‘right’ about it. All you’re doing is fighting for your interpretations and your ego. But the truth is the truth.

So that was very philosophical. But what does it mean? How do you use this information to be happier in life, to be more real?

Well, it’s really simple:

It just means that you have to stay aware – you have to monitor yourself, so to speak. And anytime you find yourself getting overly emotional and trying to be ‘right’ or trying to persuade other people, well, you’re not actually on about the truth; you’re not trying to bring more truth into the equation – you’re trying to defend your ego.

And if we’re real with ourselves, like we’ve already said, the ego is the main source of all the problems in our life anyway. And so whenever you think that you’re on some kind of a CRUSADE to defend the truth and you’re getting overly emotional about it, well, because the truth doesn’t need defending, and all of your emotional outbursts and so on and so forth have literally zero effect on it, you can step back and you can remind yourself, “Okay, it’s my ego here that I’m actually trying to defend”.

And – maybe, if you’re lucky – that will be enough to make you stfu. So you can actually just breathe again and remember that you’re not going to change anything anyway, because no one cares if you’re ‘right’ apart from you.

This also means that you don’t really need to invest energy in defending your opinions. That’s counterintuitive to some people, because we think the more vociferous we are about our opinions, the more other people are going to come on board and think that we’re ‘right’.

If we we’re driven by underlying shame – which is often what causes us to need the ego to be true in the first place – then we feel like if we can get others to just believe that we’re right, then some of that shame is going to be diminished and we’ll feel better about ourselves.

But, actually, it doesn’t need to be that way – because if you think about it, if you really believe that your opinions are true – if you truly, truly believe it – you don’t care what other people think.

That sounds a bit arrogant, maybe, but you just don’t. It doesn’t matter what other people think though: you’re aware that what you believe is true because you’ve had some experience beyond the conceptual. And so it doesn’t matter if other people say you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter if other people think you’re right. You just know the truth.

And so maybe you’ll put it out there in conversation, and you’ll share it with people, and you’ll have a dialogue and all that kind of stuff – normal human behaviour. But if somebody disagrees, you can either calmly say, “Well, actually, I think this”,  or you can just smile and nod and then go about your life knowing that you’re aligned with the truth anyway, but also knowing that you might not be (and if you’re not, that’s fine, because maybe you’ll learn some other stuff, maybe you won’t).

Either way, there’s no point wasting time arguing about things when you can just be living the truth that you think you found to the greatest extent possible.

A quote that I love throwing out there is by the physicist David Bohm. He has this book called On Dialogue where he says something like, “Your opinions are not something that you are, they’re something that you have.”

They’re not something that you, are. They’re something that you have. And I think that’s a really great quote because it just reminds you to kind of step back.

If somebody is disagreeing with you or saying that your opinion is stupid or that it’s wrong or whatever else, well, that’s fine, because they’re saying it about your opinion, which is just a conceptual idea that you’ve picked up to make sense of life. They’re not saying it about YOU.

If you can remember this and you can take your ego out of the equation, once again, you realise that you actually don’t have to take disagreement or anything like that personally, because what’s real about you is always real: you can’t add to it, you can’t remove from it, because it’s a state of WHOLENESS – and so whether your opinions are aligned with the truth or not, well, it doesn’t matter because you’re still real.

If you need to be ‘right’ all the time, then you just have some kind of a block between you and life. And if you’re open to being ‘wrong’, you can ensure that that block diminishes in its power over you, and then things are just going to be better.

So I just want to put that out there: Your opinions are something that you have, not something that you are. And if you understand that, you can free yourself because you can be wrong, and then you’re going to be aligned with life.

3 ways to align yourself with REAL life by finding your own ‘wrongness’

Here are three things that you can do so that you can align yourself with your own realness by being wrong and using that wrongness to develop a closer relationship to the truth (which sounds weird and paradoxical and maybe like bullshit, but I promise that’s how it works):

The first thing you can do is exactly what we just said: Don’t take things personally.

The only reason you take things personally is because you, are lapsing into control freakery – because you need your ego to be the truth – and any disagreement is basically threatening the scaffolding that your whole ego rests upon and you’re terrified that it’s going to come falling down and you’ll just be like an empty husk of a human being.

But actually, if the ego disappears, you become more real. So anyway, don’t take it personally because it’s just an opinion.

The second thing is to remember that if you’re wrong in life, then it’s going to allow you to learn something new. And if you keep learning, well, ideally, unless you’re fooling yourself, the only thing that you can learn is more about the truth – you can go deeper into it, and then you’re going to have a solid foundation to grow real and it’s just better.

The third thing is just to remember that nothing really matters anyway. If you’re right with your opinions, okay, that’s cool. If you’re wrong, well, that’s fine as well.

But ultimately it’s all just ebb and flow, and we’re all going to die one day anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

So that’s ultimately all I need to say in this article – there is nothing wrong with being wrong.

In fact, there’s actually a lot right with being wrong because by being wrong, you can align yourself more closely with the truth and then – because you get out of the ego – you get into the flow of life, and you keep evolving and expanding in a real way that allows you to be more connected to yourself and have better relationships with other people because you’re not going around in circles arguing about things that they don’t really care about.

At the end of the day, most people are not interested in changing their opinions for all of the reasons we talked about – and so, you can ultimately just release yourself from a lot of the unnecessary friction and stress and nonsense that goes on out there in the world about people being obsessed with being ‘right’, because they think that being right somehow makes them a better person.

It doesn’t, which is weird to hear, perhaps because our whole lives we’ve been learning things in school by rote and things like that – thinking that we have to pass our tests and everything, picking up all these facts and stuff like that.

Obviously, it is better to be ‘right’ if you can be, because then you’ve got, the truth on your side to some extent. But what I’m saying is it doesn’t matter that much – or not as much as everyone makes out – because we can always learn more.

All I know is that I know nothing.

If You Argue With an Idiot, It Makes You an Idiot.

The final thing I suppose I want to say here is that there’s an old saying – I don’t know who said it.

They say “If you argue with an idiot, it makes you an idiot”.

This is just a reminder that if you find yourself out there and somebody comes up to you and they’re trying to be ‘right’ about everything, then don’t argue with them. Just let them think that they are right, because there’s no way you’re going to persuade them otherwise anyway and it’s just going to drive you mad.

It’s going to be a waste of time. And arguing with an idiot makes you an idiot, so it’s kind of a dumb thing to do.

And if you are the idiot – no offense – that’s going out there trying to be ‘right’ about everything….well, ask yourself “Why?”.

The answer is almost always going to come down to the same thing: ego ‘stuff’, underlying shame and a need to control life because you’re scared to leap into the great unknown of uncertainty and find out who you really are.

I hope that helps you if you needed it. I know it might be wrong in many ways. That’s cool. But, hope it helps. If anyone wants to talk to me about any of this stuff or anything else, book a call or click the WhatsApp button on this article and you can send me a message.

Let go and grow real!


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Sexual Transmutation and Vision: Harnessing Your Inner Fire

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The transmutation of sexual creative energy for REALNESS in life and relationships.

Oh, hi there.

In this short article we’re going to explore the idea of sexual alchemisation or transmutation – what it is and what you can do to make the most of it.

Now, that might sound really pretentious, and quite grandiloquent, but all it really means is that you take your energy, which can be either ‘negative’ or ‘positive’, and you ultimately transmute or transform it so that the energy becomes something that is going to carry you where you need to be in life.

Now, you can actually do this with any kind of emotional, energetic thing that’s going on inside you, but it means that you have to work with it in a REAL way (surprise, surprise – REAL ALWAYS WORKS) – it also means that you need to know where you’re going to be directing those energetic impulses and instincts and so on in the first place.

I’ve seen a lot of people make the mistake of trying to be really mindful, shall we say, with their emotional ‘stuff’, but actually, they don’t have anywhere to send it – so it just ends up causing more problems, because it just ends up ricocheting within their experience of themselves, causing inner friction, and then stopping them from moving forward, because it just exacerbates all of the emotional problems and bullshit and stuff that they got going on inside.

In other words:

Unless we learn to control our creative/sexual energy by channelling it into something real, then it becomes DESTRUCTIVE.

Anyway, a really simple example of what I’m talking about is the idea of sexual transmutation.

Now, “sexual transmutation” really sounds kind of esoteric if you’re not familiar with the term, but all it means is that you hold your sexual energy and you learn to control your sexual energy and to direct your sexual energy so that it doesn’t end up ruining your life.

And all that means, ultimately, is that instead of reacting to it, instead of reacting to any horny impulse or urge that arises within you, you actually learn to kind of stop and to be mindful and, to respond to what’s going on inside of you in relation to how you want the outside of you to eventually look.

Now, I do this all the time in my own life. I’ve been doing this for about ten years. The way that it shows up for me just means that I don’t really jerk off – sorry if that’s too much information for some of you, but, basically, that just means I don’t jerk off, don’t look at porn, any of that stuff.

Instead, I just hold my energy until I’m actually having sex with another human being. Or – if I’m not – well, I’m using that energy as a kind of electric undercurrent, which I direct into all of the things that I’m doing in my life so that I can be more creative, more energetic, more buzzed up, and feel more alive as I’m moving forward and getting where I want to be.

I really think and have found that saving and working with our sexual energy allows us to live in alignment with the unforced rhythms of life itself and to work with it, instead of against it.

Because, actually, one mistake that I think a lot of people make when it comes to these ideas is that they try to control their energy, but they don’t really have a plan for where it’s going – and that makes it a lot harder for them, like I think said, because it just ends up causing you to have all this inner friction and this inner resistance, because you’re just holding all of this ‘stuff’ inside you and you don’t have an outlet for it (this is because we fear the energy and so we hold it without using it).

In other words, once again, without a creative outlet, your energy will destroy your life.  

And so, eventually, you’re just going to drive yourself mad and probably fail in your endeavour to hold on to the sexual energy in the first place.

Of course, you can’t literally hold onto it because it’s always moving. And that’s why you need to do something with it. You need to create something.

And, ultimately, all I want to say here is that you can make life a million times easier and more REAL for yourself if you’re trying to transmute any of the energy inside you – and it doesn’t just have to be sexual stuff:

It can be your anger; it can be your aggression; it can be your drive – i.e. your natural drive to be alive and to experience things.  All of these things and more are in there calling to you and trying to direct your life.

If you stop and pause and treat it as a kind of wild horse that needs to be tamed so you can then ride it wherever you need to be, if you can do that, then you will actually grow as a person exponentially.

Not only will you grow REAL but your life will be a lot better as well, because you’re not just a slave to your body and your drives. You’re taking them where you want to go.

Two Paths to Sexual Transmutation: Vision & Intimacy

There are two ways that you can direct the energy:

One is that you direct it into your life in the way that I was kind of talking about  – that just means you do all the stuff I’ve talked about a million times already on this website and in my books, or in my free course, the Personality Transplant for Realness & Life Purpose, which is that you create a vision for yourself, then you break it down into goals, then you break it down into habits, and then –  every day –  you’re transmuting your energy into the structure that you build around this.

When you do this you’ll find yourself seeing things grow over time and the creative sexual energy is being used as something that serves your life, not just something that pops up in your life, randomly here and there, and which takes you off the path that you want to be on.

YouTube player
This article is based on a transcript from this video over on my YouTube Channel.

So that’s one way, right? You have a vision, and you move yourself towards it through inspired action day-after-day.

There is one little caveat which is this: you can’t just choose a random vision. You have to kind of go through a process of raising Awareness of who you are, what you truly value, and what you’re all about, how life works, all that stuff.

Accepting yourself unconditionally and then taking inspired Action are the next steps after this Awareness raising (Awareness, Acceptance, and Action works every time).

You don’t just want to take action for the sake of it, because that becomes a distraction – it needs to be inspired action, which means it’s real to you, and it’s going to allow you to move towards wholeness.

Another way of describing the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action is that first you need to deconstruct your ego ‘stuff’ (Awareness).

This just means that you look at your identity and how it’s holding you back. If you want to do that, check out the course I just mentioned, the Personality Transplant. Or check out my book, Personal Revolutions, which is about deconstructing the ego in great detail.

The second step – after you’ve kind of looked at your ego stuff and how that is affecting you – is to see what parts of yourself the ego has been hiding from view.

What we’re talking about here is about Integrating the Shadow Self – the way that this works is you get shamed when you’re younger, or you may feel guilty or traumatised, whatever, and then you create this little box to live in as a reaction to that, the ego.

But when you do that, you disown so many parts of yourself, and you need to bring those parts up and start facing them and accepting them unconditionally before you create a vision for your life if you want that vision to be REAL.

The goals is to bring the Shadow Self to the surface as much as possible and start accepting yourself and life unconditionally – only then you can start designing and building and manifesting (if you want to do that), or creating, a vision for yourself about where you want to go.

If you create the vision before doing those other two steps (Deconstructing Ego/ Awareness & Integrating Shadow/Acceptance), you’re probably going to be chasing something that’s not real, that’s not authentic to you.

And so, they’re three really important steps: Deconstruct Ego, Integrate Shadow, Build a REAL Life.

Either way, you need some kind of a vision, some kind of a direction to move in so that when you’ve got all this creative sexual energy boiling beneath the surface and you’re trying to channel it into your life, you know where it’s going to go – that might be the habits, it might be the goals, might be creating the vision in the sense of refining it, all that kind of stuff.

If you’re a single person or you’re not interested in other people, in an intimate way, then that is basically all you need to do – create the vision, etc.

If you’re with another person or you have other people in your life that you are interested in and you’re doing things with, well, you can channel your energy, obviously, into growing more real and more intimate with those people.

And basically what that looks like is obviously having mind blowing, amazing sex where you become one and you’re getting closer to wholeness and all that kind of stuff.

But also it means that on a daily basis, or as often as possible, you and that other person are able to take the energy that’s there and to basically play with it.

Now, how that sense of play shows up is going to be different for everybody. But what that means is that there’s a kind of undercurrent to everything you’re doing that allows you to be spontaneous and the electric charge between you allows you to stay in this process of growing whole and not being held back by all of the fragmentation and bullshit that it’s going to cause the energy to direct you instead of allowing you to direct the energy.

If you’re doing the sexual transmutation thing or you’re trying to better control your energy in general, then if you have a direction to move in, or if you have a relationship to commit to, when it comes to growing in intimacy, it will make it 100 million times easier because you’re not going to create enough friction for yourself, life is going to be awesome, and you’re going to be charged up, pumped up, and electrified.

This is basically how you transmute your sexual energy so you can flow with the rhythms of life instead of forcing your own rhythm and bringing friction, frustration, and misery.

Go get it!


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Hacking the Unconscious Mind: A Psychological Hack for REALNESS

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Changing Your Life by Using a Psychological Hack to Work With Your Unconscious Mind Instead of Against It.

Oh, hi there.

In this article, I’m going to give you a psychological hack that will change your life if you implement it.

Why would you need this hack?

Well, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get certain results in life, but those results are forever out of reach, then this hack is going to help you.

It’s going to help you to dig into your unconscious intentions and to step away from the surface level way of seeing and viewing things by helping you to DIG DEEPER so that you can reset or reconfigure what’s going on down in the depths of yourself and allow something real to surface.

Without using this ‘hack’, you’re just going to end up rearranging the furniture on the titanic whilst it still sinks because you’ll only be dealing with the SYMPTOMS, not the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM (which is always a disconnection from your own realness).

In other words, without this hack you’ll feel like you’re chasing things and making progress but actually you’ll only running on the spot – because the things that you’re chasing are, not something that you want as much as you think you want. They’re just an extension of your ego as you attempt to fill the void (which is the illusion of disconnection).

So why would you want to implement this hack that I’m about to share with you?

It’s quite simple: A lot of people out there in the world – and you may be one of them – find themselves in situations where they’re constantly chasing something and they can never quite find it.

So, for example, maybe you’re chasing your dream relationship; maybe you’re trying to get more money; maybe you have some kind of a goal for your business or whatever it is, and…it just never happens.

A lot of the time we think that the core problem in attaining whatever it is that we want is that there’s some external thing, force or factor out there in the world that is preventing us and holding us back from acquiring or attaining whatever it is.

So, for example, in the case of relationships, we will just say to ourselves something like, “The world is going to hell, everyone’s a degenerate, and there’s only low quality men/women out there and it’s impossible to find a partner. Everyone’s so selfish and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

That’s an example of some externalised bullshit thing, and – if you externalise everything – you take your power out of your hands.

With the ‘money’ thing, maybe it’s the same thing, right?

You’ll say, “Well, there’s some external force out there in the world, the illuminati or whatever, and they’re holding me back from making money. And we live in an economy that’s fuelled by scarcity and yada, yada, yada. And I’m just always going to be poor.”

And so the externalisation of your goal basically puts you in a frame of mind where you’re never going to get it.

But here’s the truth:

Ultimately, the problem is not just the externalisation, but the fact that the externalisation is affecting the results that you get. And the results that you get are always showing you what you are actually choosing at an unconscious level.

This is where this ‘stuff’ gets a little bit offensive to some people but that’s what the truth often does (“The truth will set you free (but first it will piss you off and make you miserable”).

But ultimately, in these two examples that I just picked to pieces, if you can’t find your dream partner – even though you’re telling yourself that’s what you want – there is something going on inside you deep down where your actual, real intention is not to find your dream partner. And we’ll dig into that in a minute.

With the money thing, as, counterintuitive as it sounds – because obviously, we all love money, it makes life meaningful (joke) – if you can’t bring money into your life, well, for some reason, you are choosing not to, even though at the conscious level of the mind and the ego, you’re telling yourself that is your intention.

Actually, the reason these things keep staying out of grasp is because, when you dig into it, you’ll find at some level, you are choosing something else more than the relationship or the money.

The ‘hack’ that we’re about to talk about is about learning to understand that is that we can reverse engineer and figure out our REAL CHOICES that we’re making (unconsciously) by the results that we’re getting.

In other words, we’re going to learn to start looking inside ourselves and saying, “Hang on, what the hell is going on here to cause me to think and to tell myself one thing, but to choose the opposite?”

I’m going to give you some examples.

So, let’s start with some examples of imaginary people that sum up some kind of common ways this shows up in the world.

So let’s say, for example, the first person is an individual called Susie (just pulled that out of my ass):

For the last decade, Susie has either been single or in a bad relationship that didn’t last very long. And, on those long, lonely nights where she sat at home watching Netflix and eating Cheetos, she keeps telling herself that she does want a relationship.

The little hamster wheel in her head keeps thinking about relationships and how good life would be if she could get in a relationship. And then every so often, somebody comes along who seems like they might be a good fit. But as soon as they get involved with each other, Susie starts inexplicably becoming hypercritical and pushing these people away. Or, she can’t help but just focus on their flaws to the extent that she becomes totally turned off.

And then after a couple of weeks, couple of months, whatever is, the relationship kind of dwindles and dies. And poor Susie is back at home watching Netflix with all that Cheeto, dust over her mouth.

So that’s not good, is it?

Or maybe there’s another imaginary character called Bob who wants to start his own business. And he keeps telling himself that he’s going to be really successful. He’s going to do whatever it takes to get this business up and running so that he can make loads of money and support his family or wherever he wants to do.

And, he kind of knows the way forward: he’s created a business plan and a vision, and he’s done some market research and so on and so forth.

But, for some reason, when it’s time to go out there and start talking to potential clients or to communicating with people about his ideas, he always finds something else to do.

For example, maybe he just goes and spends time on social media telling himself that this is “research” or that he’s finding new ways to connect with people or some other BS story.

But ultimately, even though he keeps telling himself every morning when he wakes up that “today is the day” he’s going to actually fix his business and get where he needs to be, he just keeps procrastinating. He never gets anywhere. And even though he’s telling himself the same old story again and again and again, he starts to feel a bit insane because nothing ever changes.

Or what about this final example?

We have an imaginary woman or called Melissa and she’s a little bit overweigh and she doesn’t want to be because it’s taking too much energy – she can’t get up the stairs quite as fast as she used to without getting out of breath; she’s becoming insecure about the way that she looks, and she’s worried that people are secretly judging her as she walks down the street and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So she keeps telling herself that she’s going to go to the gym and she’s going to lose weight, she’s going to watch her diet, and that she’s making a choice for a healthier lifestyle so she can lose some weight and start to feel good about herself but – for some unknown reason -nothing ever changes:

She goes to the gym and she just kind of goes through the motions. She doesn’t really put any effort in or push herself to the edge, so her heart rate doesn’t go up, and she doesn’t burn any calories. And, when she does go home because she’s been to the gym, she ends up stuffing her face with whatever it is – some kind of a food reward that she feels she deserves.

And so six months into this exercise regime, despite this health and fitness program that she’s put herself on, nothing has changed – even though she’s been telling herself, keeps telling herself that she wants to make these changes, she’s just as overweight as she was and so she feels like banging her head against the wall.

What is going on in these examples?

A Mini Psychological Hack for Getting What You Want: Reverse Engineer Your Complaints

So, before we get onto the main ‘hack’, here’s a little ‘mini-hack’ that’s going to show you how to know if you have this kind of issue going on in your life:

The key here is to know that if you keep complaining about something, if you keep lamenting about something, then probably you have this kind of inner conflict that we’re talking about where you’re telling yourself you want something, but for some reason, there is something else going on inside you that is actually causing you to choose either the opposite or something else.

And the reason that complaining is a sign is because, ultimately, if you keep complaining about something, it means you’re keeping a problem in your life but you’re choosing not to solve it.

If you truly become aware of a problem and you truly accept what a problem is, then you will either do something about it and no longer have the problem, or you will just have to accept that it’s a fundamental part of life and reality. And so by going through the process of moving towards acceptance, you’ll no longer have anything to complain about (and, thus, the ‘problem’ dissolves).

And so complaining constantly about the same thing – not finding a relationship, not being able to lose weight, not being able to make money, or whatever it is – complaining constantly and chronically is a sign that your ego is invested in this story about a certain goal and a certain desire but – deep down beneath the surface of yourself – you have an inner conflict that is causing you to choose something else for some reason.

Stop and think about it now for a second:  what are you always complaining about?

The odds are very high that if you’re always complaining about it, then in some weird, backwards way, you’re choosing it, and you need to figure out why, so that you can put yourself on a real path and actually either resolve whatever it is that you’re complaining about or to let it go, because you accept that you don’t really want to change things (which is totally fine, btw).

You Can Reverse Engineer Your Real Intentions for Yourself and Your Life by the Results that You Keep Getting.

So this is where we come on to a deeper exploration of the main psychological ‘hack’ that I promised you at the start of this article:

It’s very simple. And ultimately it’s this:

You can reverse engineer your real intentions for yourself and your life by the results that you keep getting.

Let’s look at the examples we already explored:

If you consistently can’t find a relationship – that’s the result that you’re getting – then it just means that your true, unconscious intention is NOT to be in a relationship at some level – no matter what you’re telling yourself at the level of the ego (your constructed identity and all of the stories that you feed through it about life).

And I know that’s going to piss some people off because, of course, if you’re telling yourself you want a relationship and you’re going out there and you’re getting involved in all kinds of, unsavoury situations with people because you’re “trying to get in a relationship”, then of course you want a relationship.

So I’m probably chatting BS, right?

But no…if you consistently get the result of not getting the relationship that you want, then you’re choosing this result deep down for some reason – and this psychological hack of reverse engineering from the results is going to allow you to free yourself because when you understand why you have that deeper intention for something else then you can flip the script and start changing things.

(This deeper intention could be anything, and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that because it’s unconscious so it’s not really your “fault” or anything, but it is still your desire, your true intention, even though it’s unconscious).

It’s the same with all of these results that I’ve given as example:

If you keep saying that you want to get more money from your business or whatever but it never happens and you’re just running around on the hamster wheel for years and years and years, then you don’t really want that (shock! Horror!) – at some level you have the intention for something else more and you need to dig inside yourself to figure out what that might be.

It’s the same with losing weight or anything (like literally anything):

If you keep telling yourself that you want a certain thing – you want to lose weight in this example now – and it doesn’t happen, then you need to ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really want? I’m telling myself I want to lose weight. But when I dig down into my shadow and to the parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself behind ego, what is actually going on?”

And that is the psychological hack again: 

The results that you get consistently, no matter what you’re telling yourself, actually show you what you are choosing deep down, more than whatever it is that you ‘think’ you want.

And that doesn’t mean that these things are ‘bad’ or that you’re chasing things that you shouldn’t be chasing. It just means that you haven’t actually done any work around inner awareness and acceptance of yourself to see what is actually driving your motivation more than – and that’s the key “more than” – whatever it is that you think you want.

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This article is based on a transcript from this video (check out my YouTube Channel).

If you’re not getting the results that you want then you need to be increase Awareness, cultivate Acceptance, and then take inspired ACTION

So let’s talk quickly about what you need to do once, you become AWARE of this hack – that’s always the first step: Awareness.

I’m always talking about the same thing: Awareness, Acceptance and Action (any transformational journey will require that you walk through these three steps).

If you’re not getting the results that you want, then ultimately you need start by becoming more aware be aware – in this case, of not getting the results you want, it starts by becoming aware of the fact that this is because you are (deep down in the unconscious) choosing something else MORE.

And it doesn’t matter what you’re telling yourself – the little voice in our head is just our social programming, our self-hypnosis, our response to our own emotional bullshit and stuff going on deep down inside ourselves and it’s just a surface level relationship with ourselves…it’s not REAL (“the ego is the opposite of reality”).

But there is a deeper level relationship that we all have – the most real relationship – and it is always driving our lives.

And so if you want to know more about this real relationship, you need to go through that first step that I shared with you of flipping the script and saying to yourself, “Right, these are the results I keep getting. Why might I be choosing that at some level?”

To get to the next level and go through the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, you simply need to start asking yourself the right questions so that you can dive deep into yourself and really get a grasp of why you in particular – based on what you’ve been through, your life story, who you are, etc. – why you in particular would have some kind of unconscious intention for something else.

So let’s say, for example, in the examples I gave earlier, the first person I think was an imaginary human being called Susie or something like that, whatever her name was,  kept telling herself that she wanted a relationship, but as soon as somebody came along, she would become hypercritical and she would push them away.

And so, just as an example, the story that she’s telling herself about what she thinks she wants, what she thinks she has chosen, is actually being overridden outside of her awareness with a deeper desire she has for freedom, let’s say – because when she was younger her parents were always arguing about little things and so on and so forth, and so she is paranoid about getting in a relationship, that’s also going to be fuelled by that kind of negativity (this is based on her imaginary life story).

So – as a protective barrier – she started getting critical and pushing people away so that she can maintain her freedom and not have to relive that experience from her childhood.

Maybe that’s all bullshit, right? I’ve just literally pulled that out of my ass. But the point is, there is some overriding desire that is driving you more than whatever it is that you keep telling yourself you desire but don’t get.

So in the case of Susie, she actually desires freedom more than a relationship, even though -for whatever reason (maybe because she just wants to fit into society and she thinks it’s what she’s supposed to do) – she keeps telling herself that’s what she wants.

In the example of, Bob, who is working on his business, he keeps telling himself that success is what he really wants:

“Okay, I want my business to succeed so I can provide for my family, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

But deep down, he doesn’t want his business to succeed:

There’s an overriding, desire for that because that’s his unconscious intention and it’s driving his life. And it might simply be because his dad, when he was a kid, was always away at work so Bob felt neglected and unloved and so he doesn’t actually want to replicate that relationship with his own kids.

And so, even though he feels like the best thing to do is to start his own business and to be successful, he actually has a stronger desire to just spend time with his kids. And, so ultimately there’s some kind of an inner conflict, but based on the results that he’s getting, that inner desire, the unconscious intention to simply just spend more time with his kids and not be so busy like a workaholic or whatever, that is actually overriding his choices and the things that he actually decides to do in life.

(Even though, ironically, if he could find a way – in this hypothetical example – to make his business work, then eventually he could spend more quality time with his kids because maybe they’ll have more money so he could pay people to work on his business or whatever)

The point is this (and it’s the same for anybody with this problem):

Even though he’s telling himself one story, there is something going on that is making him choose not to succeed in the way that he is telling himself he wants, and so he ends up writing a totally different story instead.

In the final example Melissa – who keeps telling herself she wants to lose weight and she just can’t do it – well, again, as offensive as it may seem to some people, there is something going on inside her where she is telling herself that she wants to lose weight, but deep down her real intention is not to.

It could be something really simple:

For example, maybe she’s worried that if she, does lose weight, then she’s suddenly going to be more attractive to the opposite sex. And then she’s just going to have loads of guys flinging themselves at her. And she’s actually insecure because she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable because she’s never really been in a relationship or whatever it is.

And so again (in this hypothetical example), her fear has has created an unconscious intention where she wants to be alone so that she actually can choose not to face her vulnerabilities and to grow towards intimacy in a relationship.

These are all just examples, but the point is that there will be something going on inside you exactly like this if you have this kind of problem.

If you’re constantly running around in circles, never getting anywhere and never making any changes in your life, then it’s purely because at some level there is something in you that is causing you to choose NOT to get whatever it is that you think you want – and all you need to do really, to start solving this problem and unblocking yourself, is to raise awareness of what this “something” might be.

If you raise awareness of it, you start to look at it head on. It’ll start to dissolve. But then – more importantly – once you go to awareness, you can accept it. And only if you accept it can you start to truly flip the script by replacing that intention with something real or, modifying the way that you go about ACTING on it.

When you get here, you can increase your odds of getting whatever it is that you think you want by upgrading it to something that you actually want.

Implementation: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action (It Works Every Time)

So, that was a lot of examples but let me quickly conclude and review by exploring a little more about the three-step process that is going to allow you to implement this psychological hack: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

To raise AWARENESS, you need to use the hack that we’ve been talking about, which is, to reverse engineer the real intentions that are driving you and bubbling away beneath the surface of your ego and your relationship with yourself.

Like we said, you can reverse engineer by looking at the RESULTS you keep getting that you don’t want or that you keep complaining about.

If you do this then you can become more AWARE literally right now. That sounds very dramatic but it’s true: become aware that if you keep complaining about things, nothing is changing, then at some m level you are choosing it.

This awareness is the gateway to setting yourself free.

I may be painful in the short term, but – believe it or not (try it and find out!) –  in the long term, it’s going to put you on this path to changing things.

So that’s the first step. Awareness: reverse engineer based on the results you keep getting.

The second step after raising this awareness is that you need to ACCEPT whatever that real intention is.

And so ultimately, all you need to do is to ask yourself the right questions:

“Why might I, me – based on my experience and the things that I’ve been through – why might I have this unconscious intention for not getting what I keep telling myself what I think I want? What do I want even more that I’m actually chasing?”

And the key thing to remember here when it comes to acceptance is that “acceptance” ultimately means you’re going to be uncovering some truth – some reality –  about what’s going on inside you.

And, the thing with truth/reality is the only thing that you can do with it is ACCEPT it. You can’t judge it – if you start judging it, you’re taking yourself out of reality

The reason I’m saying this is because the only thing you need to do with your unconscious intention is to figure out what it is – based on reverse engineering those results – and then accept it without any judgment.

Like I said, an unconscious intention is still your intention, whether you’re initially aware of it or not. But it’s not something that you can judge or blame yourself for or you need to feel bad about.

If you have been saying yourself that you want a certain thing, but there’s something going on inside you that’s actually causing you to choose the opposite of that…well, it’s because of what you’ve been through; it’s because of the story that you’ve already lived and the way that you’re relating to it, based on your shame, guilt and trauma and all your underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that’s caused you to live in a little box (aka the ego).

And so the final point is this: just accept it. That’s all you need to do. Don’t judge yourself, accept it.

Once you have this ACCEPTANCE, then you have a solid foundation so that you can move on to the third stage, which is taking ACTION.

In this case, the action is twofold:

  1. You either need to modify your relationship with the thing that you originally thought you wanted by realising that you’ve got this unconscious block getting in the way and then readjusting the plan that you’re going to implement as you move towards it.
  2. You can replace the unconscious intention with a totally different intention. And all that means is that you ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really want? What is my vision for my life? What are my true values? What are my true intentions? And how do they conflict with what I have just uncovered about myself?”

    And then basically what you need to do is to train yourself – and I’ve got some other articles etc. about that on this site or a free 7-Day Course here – train yourself to think in alignment with the higher intentions and to not let this unconscious ‘stuff’ hold you back when it doesn’t need to.

So that is basically we need to say about this hack and how you can use it:

You look at the results that you keep getting that you don’t want and you find yourself complaining about chronically and consistently with nothing ever changing.

Then you can say to yourself now, “Okay, this is actually a sign that at some level, for whatever reason – and whatever reason that may be is fine – I am choosing not to acquire or to achieve or to attain whatever it is that I keep telling myself I need to be bringing into my life.

On a day-to-day practical level, this hack will and can change the game for you and it’s very simple and will cut out a lot of wasted time and energy because you won’t be running around in circles trying to change things that are out of your control.

The only thing ultimately any of us have power over, is our relationship with ourselves and so if you go through the process of AWARENESS – of understanding, that you can reverse engineer the results to figure out what you’re really choosing –  ACCEPTANCE (of whatever actually has caused you to choose something else or whatever it is that you are choosing instead more than what you think you want), and then ACTION in the sense of modifying your intentions and actions or replacing the unconscious intention with something else, you stand a much higher chance of getting where you want to be in life, feeling good, growing real and having a good time whilst you’re here.

Ultimately, we’re all going to die and so you might as well make sure that what you’re actually spending your time out there in the world running around chasing is something that you really want.


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Making the Unconscious Conscious for Creativity & REAL Life.

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How to Reawaken Your Creativity (By Living in a REAL Way).

Oh, hi there

This article is about reawakening your creativity. I say “reawaken” because in our natural state, we are all creative. That doesn’t mean that we’re all naturally skilled or talented – though we all have the capacity to develop skills and talents – what I actually mean when I say that we’re all naturally creative is that we all have the capacity to solve the problems in our lives.

In other words, we all have problems and limitations to deal with and can find creative ways of dealing with, them.

We also all have a natural drive towards wholeness. Wholeness means a deeper sense of connection to ourselves – by making the unconscious conscious –  a deeper connection to other people by coming from a real place, and then a deeper connection to life by understanding that life keeps moving, expanding, and evolving.

And so if we want to be as real as possible, we have to tap into our creativity in order to keep being lifelike. That just means we keep moving, we keep flowing, we keep growing, and we keep becoming more connected to life.

This article, is going to be about how if you feel like your creativity is dormant, then ultimately you’re either: 1)  resisting something inside yourself that is causing you to resist life, or: 2) you’re so caught up in the old way of being and seeing yourself, and seeing life because you have created a false identity for yourself,, that you stop learning because you’re filtering everything that happens to you through what you already think, you know, aka the EGO.

Living like this just causes you to kind of stagnate and to not get anywhere. And the only reason you’re stagnating and not moving and getting where you want to be is because you’ve taken yourself out of the natural process of moving towards wholeness.

So we’re going to talk about how if you put yourself back in alignment with that process, then your creativity is going to reawaken because it never went anywhere. It just kind of went into hiding because of the way you were seeing yourself and not seeing life.

So before we get too deeply into this, I want to make a distinction between the creative process that I’m talking about, which is the natural process of moving towards wholeness, that we would all be engaged in all of the time if we weren’t blocking ourselves with our own mental stuff and the more day to day kind of creativity that we associate with the word “creative” – for example, painting a picture, taking photos, writing a novel, whatever it is.

All of those creative activities are really important. And by doing the kind of things that I’m going to be talking about, in this video, you’ll find it much easier to invest your time and energy into those things. But no matter what it is that you choose to do as a creative outlet, if it’s real in the way that I’m talking about, then by using that vehicle to express yourself, you’re going to make yourself move from a state of fragmentation and disconnection to a state of wholeness.

All that means is that as you create something in whatever form you’ve chosen, the unconscious is going to become conscious. And that just means that certain parts of yourself that you may have disowned or been hiding from because of your relationship with yourself are, going to become clear.

They’re going to come surging to the surface and you’re going to find them on the page or on the canvas or in the lyrics of your songs or whatever it is. And if you struggle to be creative, it basically means – in most cases – that there is some block in your life that is stopping that process from unfolding in the way that it needs to.

We’ll go into that in a bit more detail, but the distinction I want to make is that creativity and skill and talent are interconnected but they’re different. I think that we’re all creative in the way that I’m talking about, where we have this drive towards wholeness and we can express it, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

On the other hand, if we want to be skilled or we want to be talented, then we need to work on that by being consistent, disciplined and focused and directing our energy into improving our skills.

So that’s just something I wanted to throw out, because this isn’t an article about being skilled, it’s about being creative.

The ideal state, of course, is that you have both: You’re being creative and you’re skilled. And actually, by working on your skills and going from a state of unskilled to skilled, well, you’ll grow more real in the way that I’m talking about anyway.

But ultimately, this process is about being real and aligned with nature, and the skills are kind of on top of that. So I just wanted to put that out there so you don’t think I’m going to give you some kind of a magical panacea for becoming really skilled and talented.

This is just a process of learning and growing so that you can be more creative with your skills or you’ll be less judgmental with yourself as you try to upskill in the future.

There are different levels of creativity and the REALEST level is making unconscious conscious.

One thing that might make this easier to understand is that there are different levels of creativity, and – as with anything else – you can understand this in the simplest way by looking at it in terms of either fragmentation and wholeness, ego and realness, or unreal and real.

All that means is that the deeper we go into life and the way that it works, the more real things become. And the more we move away from that, the more unreal they become.

Now, on this fancy diagram that I’ve made, I’ve broken it down so that the outer levels are, more unreal (but still real) and, the inner levels, the smaller circles, are more real. The realest level, I think, is making the unconscious conscious.

That’s the main theme of this article: that to be creative, you need to align yourself with that process so that it can keep happening in the way that it needs to, and that you can be more aligned with your own nature, and the nature of life itself.

Now, I won’t go through all these levels but, ultimately, the most unreal version is just imitation. That is ego. The ego imitates either itself and what it already thinks it knows so it doesn’t have to grow, or it imitates other things in the world that already exist. That’s the lowest level of creativity, in my opinion, because all you’re doing is copying and pasting.

Of course, it does have value. Like as Picasso said, “great artists steal” or whatever the hell he said. But ultimately, if you want to be real, you need to stop just copying other people in the world and allow yourself to see what your unconscious is trying to make conscious so that you can actually create something original that is sourced within you and from your relationship with life.

As you go through these levels, you ultimately get out of the conceptual and you get into the experiential. If people are just imitating, they may understand the concepts of what it is that they’re imitating, but on the deepest level, they don’t understand the inner experience that led to whatever that was (assuming that what was imitated wasn’t just imitated itself, and everybody’s out there just remixing and combining elements and all that kind of stuff).

The deepest level of creativity is the one that I keep talking about, like a broken record now – making the unconscious conscious – because if you can do that, then you’re going to bring up something from your own shadow that is going to allow you to be more deeply connected to yourself.

It’s also going to allow you to be more deeply connected to other people, because you’ll have a stronger foundation within yourself. Finally, you’re going to be more connected to the natural unfolding and flowing of life itself, which is the most creative thing going ultimately.

Should you find yourself incapable of being creative as you know you can be, then you have kind of forgotten that REAL ALWAYS WORKS.

That’s something that I love to say, because it’s true: Real always works.

All you really need to do is to tap into your REALNESS. And if you do that, then you’re going to be aligned with reality itself, nature itself, and, the creative impulse that we all have when that is the way we’re living.

Now, “Reality” is kind of a dirty word these days, even though it’s like one of my most overused words. And that’s because we all think that everything is relative, everything is subjective, blah, blah, blah. That’s not necessarily true.

When people say, “I have my reality”, “You have your reality” – and anything analogous to that, what they actually mean is “I have my interpretation of reality, you have your interpretation of reality, and I’m going to basically stick to what I know and feel comfortable with”.

Now, when it comes to reality itself (as opposed to our interpretations of it), nobody can argue about it because – ultimately – it’s just a bunch of natural laws that are universal and apply to every single one of us.

To keep it simple, all we really need to know about reality is two things: One, it keeps moving, and two, it’s interconnected. It’s about connection.

Everything in reality is just one big relationship, having a relationship with itself. And so, if you just take those two premises as a starting point for improving your relationship with reality, which is naturally creative, then you’re going to get much better results and your creativity is naturally going to reawaken.

One: keep growing, keep expanding, keep learning. Two: remember that everything is connected and move towards connection by choosing WHOLENESS over fragmentation (because the only thing that can stop you from being connected to yourself and the world and others is this EGO thing that we keep talking about).

And so if you do those two things, you’re going to align yourself with the natural drive that we all have towards wholeness and, as a consequence of that, your realness and your creativity are going to reawaken, and you’re going to get better results.

So, in relation to what I already said about the unconscious becoming conscious and how that is aligned with the natural unfolding of nature itself, if you live in this real way of constantly seeking growth and expansion, and constantly seeking a deeper connection to yourself, the world and reality, then you’ll have no choice but to make the unconscious conscious, which is naturally going to make you more creative.

This is because as the unconscious becomes conscious, all kinds of creative urges and impulses and intentions are going to call to you that you have to act on if you want to get to the next level of even deeper growth and expansion and deeper connection.

Now, the other reason that living in this way is so powerful is because it’s going to keep you stretching.

In coaching, we always talk about how there’s three levels. There’s the Comfort Zone, which we’ve all heard about and is essentially just the ego. In other words, we create a little box so we can stop the unconscious becoming conscious, keep hiding from our shadow and our shame and guilt and trauma – and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah – and we just filter everything that we do through our need to stay comfortable and to stay the same.

If you do that, then the natural consequence is that you are going to be blocking the unconscious becoming conscious behind conceptual ideas and bullshit – and so of course your creativity is going to be dormant because in a way, whether you know it or not, you’re actively stopping it from doing what it needs to do.

The next level is the Stretch Zone. This is where you find something that you need to do or want to do that is just going to push you a little bit beyond what you already think you know about yourself. You’re going to find what I like to call the Edge.

Being in the stretch zone feels amazing. There’s a kind of creative tension that you get when you’re there because you know where you’re going leads towards more wholeness and the vision that you may have created for that. But you’re not going so far, that you’re in the third level on this diagram, which is that you’re panicking. In other words, you found your sweetspot (and the more you live here, the higher you feel on life).

If you reach the Panic Zone, which is the third of the three – Comfort, Stretch, and Panic – then  you’ve gone too far, you’re not ready to be there. And that’s why if you keep growing and trying to connect to life more deeply in a strategic way, you can stay in the Stretch Zone and always be in the sweetspot of finding the Edge (where your ego meets reality).

This is where you’re going to get the unconscious becoming conscious in a manageable, pleasurable and enjoyable way. It’s also where you’re actually going to get results because you’re not asleep in the Comfort Zone of the ego and you’re not pushing yourself too far into the Panic Zone, which again is ego not getting anywhere.

Making the unconscious conscious made practical.

To keep this really practical, I just want to give you a couple of ways in both of those areas of learning and constantly growing and expanding and connecting to yourself, the world, and reality.

On a deeper level, I want to give you some practical things that you can do so you can actually start living like this and reawaken that natural drive that I keep talking about of being connected to ourselves in such a way where the unconscious becoming conscious and we’re moving with wholeness and the flow of life – instead of trying to force everything through ego, which always kills our creativity.

Keep learning.

The first thing that you need to do, then, is you need to find a way to keep learning. If you keep learning, then you’re going to develop a growth mindset which is going to keep you aligned with the way of nature itself and your nature as a human being.

More importantly, you’re going to keep testing the assumptions that your ego and your habitual way of identifying rests upon, so that you can stretch yourself and basically evolve into the next version of who you are.

I’m not one of those guys that says we can “kill the ego”. You can’t kill something that’s unreal.

We all need an ego to survive in life, but you can keep pushing the envelope so that what you think you know is more aligned with the truth the longer that you live and the more that you keep learning, etc.

So some really practical things that you can do are simple: read more books, do more courses, talk to more people, go to new places,

Don’t just live in the same old routine day after day after day – that’s just going to cause you to stagnate. And obviously, in that state of stagnation, your ego is going to become more, impactful in your relationship with yourself and it’s going to block out any truth that may be trying to enter your life. As a consequence, that’s going to stop the unconscious becoming conscious (which is always unfolding naturally but if we block it the process gets polluted – see Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World for more). .

Basically, all I need to say is that if you can find new ways to continue learning and evolving, then you’re going to bring more truth into your life – and if you uncover the truth and live the truth, you can’t help but be real and align yourself with this thing that we’re talking about: he drive towards wholeness, where your creativity is going to come surging up.

Another vital thing that you can do to keep learning and evolving and expanding is to set goals. A lot of, creative people hate setting goals. They think that setting goals is going to somehow make them less creative. But actually, if you set goals, then it’s going to ensure – if you do it in the right way – that you’re going to challenge yourself enough to keep stretching yourself.

And by stretching yourself, the old version of the ego, which is blocking your creativity, is going to kind of dissolve and your realness is going to resurface.

Now, as long as you’re choosing goals that are REAL – and that just means that they’re going to allow you to become more of what you are, not to keep hiding behind the ego stuff – then you will keep evolving day after day.

You’ll be more aligned with the law of cause and effect and all the other laws that come with nature itself and reality itself. And by working with them to your advantage, to improve your life through conscious goal making, then you’re ultimately going to have to unblock your creativity because you’re moving.

That’s essentially all you need to know: Keep moving and you will become more real, and you’ll become more creative.

Become more connected to life.

By extension, the second thing that we all need to do if we want to be more creative – along with keep to keep growing – is to keep becoming more connected to life.

Now, the reason that connection is so important is because the ego, the thing that stops us from being as creative as we can be, is ultimately the illusion of disconnection. And if we live according to the illusion of disconnection, then we can’t align ourselves with life, where everything is connected, and it’s just systems and systems, and systems, and relationships, having relationships with themselves.

And so, if you actively work to be more connected to yourself, more connected to others, and more connected to life, and especially if you combine it with constant evolution and learning and expansion and goals in the way that I just talked about, you can’t not be creative, because by aligning yourself in this real way the unconscious is going to become conscious (because that’s just what happens when we’re real).

So how do you become more connected?

The best way to do it is to get out of your head, which is ego, and get into your body instead.

For most people, I recommend just finding some form of exercise that you love: go for a hike, do yoga (that’s the best one I’ve found). Dance around, whatever it is; find a way to get in your body.

Besides that, you need to find ways to change your perspective so that you are deeply connected to life – even when things are kind of challenging or difficult or whatever.

The standard thing there that people get told to do which works is to keep some kind of a gratitude ritual.

For me, I just write down every day I’ve got a gratitude journal. I write down ten things I’m grateful for. I write down what it is and why. So, for example, “Today I am really grateful for the trees outside, because I like looking out the window and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”. I’m just saying that because there’s some trees over there, although I am grateful for them.

Anyway, the point is, if you have gratitude for something, there is no disconnection between you and whatever it is.

And so if you do that kind of ritual every day, you’re going to be more connected to life. That’s going to make you feel better about yourself, then because you feel better about yourself, you can have better relationships with other people – and if you combine it with a constant evolution and growth and getting in your body, you’re going to be more creative.

The other thing that you can do is meditation and all that kind of stuff. Be mindful. If you can do those kinds of practices in your life every day, then you’re going to be more connected to who you are, because you’re not going to have the little chatter, the hamster wheel of the ego, telling you that you’re disconnected  – you’re going to realise you’re not totally independent from everything else, because the illusion of separation also belongs to the ego.

The combination of that one-two punch of the lifelong learning, constant evolution and growth, and, the connection to life through getting in your body, getting in your breath, and being grateful for life is going to make you more creative. It’s guaranteed.

There are different levels of creativity and the deepest level is the most natural and REAL.

So what’s been the main lesson here today?

The main lesson, ultimately, is that there are different levels of creativity and the deepest level is the most natural level but it seems kind of unnatural because we have all conditioned ourselves with mental chatter and bullshit and nonsense that we have picked up over the course of our lives. That’s caused us to become fragmented and to identify as, something other than what we are.

What we are in truth is REAL, and that means that we keep evolving and that we’re connected to life – we’re not hiding from that learning, and we’re not resisting the natural connection that is always there.

The difference between identifying as a creative person and being a creative person.

Now, the key problem in all of our lives, in almost any situation I’ve found, is the way that we identify. It’s always an identity problem that it’s causing us to distort our view of life or to resist what’s right in front of us. And, the final caveat that I want to put here in this video is that there is a difference between identifying as a creative person and, being a creative person.

If you identify as a creative person, well, that’s just the ego stuff. Especially if you’re overly attached to it because you think that ‘creativity’ is some kind of magical unicorn that’s going to solve all your problems or make you adored and give you all the love that you feel you may not be able to give yourself, or whatever it is that’s causing you to do that.

In opposition to that is what I’m talking about: being creative, being real, and all that means is that you stop thinking about what you are and you just be it – i.e.  you allow it to happen and you go with it in a controlled and strategic way.

So, hopefully that’s helped. If you feel like you want to go deeper. I have a free seven day course with 158 page workbook called the 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock For Realness and Life Purpose. Check it out.

If you want any help around these kind of issues, you can book a complementary call.

Ultimately, all I want to say is that if you keep learning and you keep connecting to yourself and life, your creativity will naturally reawaken. You actually don’t have to do anything to make it happen. It’s just a natural consequence of being real, living real, and doing the real stuff that is calling to you from the unconscious so you can make it conscious.

Live a REAL life. That’s why we’re here.

Peace,

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Unlocking Your Core Values: A Guide to Living Your REAL Life

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What your REAL core values are and how to live them.

Let’s talk about values:

I’m a coach. Coaches love talking about values, and that’s because values are so important – if you know what your values are, you can translate them into action or – if you want to go even deeper – a sense of purpose. When you do this, your life is going to be in alignment with who you really are.

So in this article, I’m going to show you a process that you can go through so that you can figure out what your values actually are because a lot of people are actually just running around on autopilot, living out values that aren’t even theirs. They’re just values that they picked up from society or from their parents or from the government, or from aliens in outer, space or whoever the hell it is.

And so you might need to do a little bit of inner work – which sounds painful, but it isn’t – a little bit of work, let’s say, to figure out what you actually think and feel and value so that you can start to design things in a way that is going to make your life more real, you more aligned in general, and is going to allow you to go deeper into experiencing the amazing feeling of being real because you’ll have tapped into your realness and you’ll be doing something with it -instead of just running around on autopilot.

So if that sounds good, keep reading because you’re probably going to learn some stuff about yourself. And all human beings like to learn things about themselves – after all, that’s one of our defining characteristics as a species.

What are core values and how do you define them.

Here we go. So let’s begin with a definition of what core values even are like. It’s one of these words that we’ve all heard, “values, values, values”. It’s all over the place. But what the hell are values anyway?

The simplest definition that I can come up with is that ‘values’ are just things that matter to you. But when we say “things” here, we actually mean abstract, intangible qualities. We’re not talking about things like material things in the world, although you can value those things, but that doesn’t mean that they’re your values.

Actually, your values are the intangible qualities behind the things. So let’s say, for example, you’re dreaming of getting a Lamborghini. I always use that example. Maybe subconsciously I want to get a Lamborghini. I don’t have one because I’m not rich. But anyway, let’s say you want to get a Lamborghini. That is not one of your values. You can find Lamborghinis valuable, but your values are actually the thing behind your desire to get the Lamborghini.

And if you dig into it, ask yourself why, it’ll boil down to certain things like ‘freedom’ (an intangible quality). You’ve got a picture in your head of you buzzing around in this Lamborghini, driving like a maniac and listening to Limp Bizkit (that’s what I’d be doing) -and that feeling of freedom that you envisaged is actually the value that is pulling you in that direction.

Maybe as you’re driving around in this Lamborghini, people are going to be looking at you and they’re going to think you’re like an amazing, sexy, successful person. And there’s a value there probably around ‘status’ or feeling ‘significant’ or something like that – and you could go on all day looking at the goal behind the goals which is always a value and that is going to show you who you really are ultimately and what you’re actually  looking for in life.

Now, the important thing here is that when you understand it’s not just about the surface level details of the things, but the abstract, intangible qualities that matter to you beneath the things that you think you are chasing, then you also have the added benefit of being able to detach from the external goal and to start building things on that real foundation of the inner qualities that you’re actually seeking.

If  you realize that, “Okay, by chasing this Lamborghini and listening to Limp Bizkit and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I’m actually chasing freedom”, well, you can still decide to keep chasing the Lamborghini if you want, or you can step back and you say, “Okay, right now I don’t have enough money in my bank account to go out and buy a Lamborghini and listen to Limp Bizkit – but there are many other ways that I can bring freedom, my core value of freedom, into my life.”

And, then you can make a list. You say, “Right, okay, I’m going to go fishing on the canal right now, or I’m going to go for a hike, or I’m going to quit my job just because, why not?”

Etc. You could go on forever. But the point is, if you understand the goal behind the goals – which is always a value based thing – then the goal is still important. But you can be outcome-independent in your approach towards it. And you can also realize that there are many, many other ways for you to get the things that are truly important in your life into your life.

And that is why it’s so important to understand what values are and how you can go about bringing them into your day to day existence. So, the definition, just to keep this clear, is that your core values are intangible qualities or abstract qualities that matter to you and that are driving the goals that you are out there chasing.

Let’s keep going.

Your core values shape and colour your whole life.

This is getting interesting. So what we’ve learned so far is that our core values are very important. That’s kind of stating the obvious, because, as I said, we all know values are important. But they’re more important than we may think, actually, because they’re constantly driving the decisions that we make about our lives and what we want, the choices that we make about who we, are, how we show up, the relationships we get in, the goals that we chase, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Values basically shape and colour your whole life. And so if you’re not consciously aware of the values that you  hold and the reasons behind the things that you’re chasing and trying to bring into your life, then you  risk making a life for yourself that is not a true representation of your REALNESS are and what’s actually possible you in your true potential.

Now, this comes down to something that I’ve said many times. This whole site, if you don’t know, is about growing REAL.

If you put something real into your life, i.e. In this case, real values, then you’re going to get something real out. If you put something unreal into your life, then you’re going to get something unreal out.

And, we all want the real stuff, whether we know it or not. Because if we feel restless, frustrated, depressed, like there’s more to life, that we have a void, that we feel empty, or we need to rebel against the world or whatever it is, it means that we have been putting unreal values into our lives and so the current state of our lives is quite unreal.

And so if you want to make life feel deeper, if you want to make it feel like you’re more connected to it, then you need to make sure that the values that are driving your life are actually yours. And that’s why this is really important.

Some examples of core values.

So now I’m going to give you an overview about how you can figure out what your values are. You might need to reading and do some writing, or you could just read the whole thing and then you’ll figure it out.

Either way, the point is that if you actually sit down and do this – especially if you’ve never done anything like this before – then you’re going to be able to figure out what your values are, and then you can go start bringing the real stuff into your life by putting something real into it, instead of just running around on autopilot, filtering everything through the ego, and then getting something unreal.

So let’s start, with some examples from somebody really interesting. In this case…me!

My values, I have decided and determined after doing some of this work are health. And so I try to exercise every day, do yoga, go hiking on weekends. That’s one of my values. So I feel good when I do those things. Creativity is another – which is why in my coaching business, I work with a lot of creative people. And, my podcast, Creative Status, is about the creative process, because I just love creativity, so I need it in my life. And so that’s why I’ve made some choices about what to do with my business and what my podcast should focus on. I find those things very satisfying now because my values are embodied.

Freedom is another core value. If I don’t have freedom, I go mad and I get depressed – like all human beings, tbh – and that is why I have my own business. I don’t have some boss breathing down my neck, getting me to do spreadsheets and all that kind of bullshit that they make you do. That is the worst thing in the world for me. And so by, realising that that is my value and making choices around that value, I now feel good. It’s actually amazing.

Figuring out your values is quite simple. You say to yourself, “Okay, I value this”, and then you start acting on it. Life improves. You can trust me, because I’ve experienced this myself and seen my clients experience it too.

A final value is humour. I try to value humour because I like to think I’m an amusing person. But, I don’t know, there is a chance that I just think I’ve been funny when actually I’ve been annoying.

Who knows? But it’s one of my values, and it’s why I don’t take myself too seriously with these my writing or in anything else that I do, because I think, ultimately, life is just one big joke without a punchline. And so if you take it too seriously, you’re always going to lapse into being unreal. And ultimately, that is why I say these stupid things and I like to joke around with people in real life and, have relationships where people can have banter and so on and so forth. It’s very important to me.

Maybe you’re a humourless individual, that’s fine. Like, we don’t all have to share the same values. That’s one of the good things about values. They belong to us and we can define them as we choose to define them.

When defining your core values, you need to define them on your own terms.

When you’re defining your values, so in my case, the ones I’ve just said shared health,- freedom, creativity, and  humour –  what those words mean to me, because these are my values, is important.

If you say, “Well, actually, ‘health’ doesn’t mean doing yoga every day and going hiking, because if you do yoga every day, you’re putting your body through too much of [whatever bullshit thing someone might say]”, that’s fine.

But for me, doing yoga every day and going hiking embodies my value of health. That’s what health means to me: looking after myself to the greatest extent possible, my mind and my body, which is what yoga does. And then that’s fine.

Creativity means (to me, again) working on creative projects, duh. It means being present enough to make my unconscious conscious and blah, blah, blah. I won’t talk about that too much. But the point is, once you’ve understood the word, or once you’ve uncovered the word that encapsulates your value, well, the only definition that it really needs to meet is yours, because we’re talking about your values.

There’ll probably be overlap between my definition and your definition but the little nuances are, the things that are going to make it truly yours.

So just remember once you’ve figured out your own values, you need to define them on your own terms so you can truly make them yours. Let’s figure out how you can do that.

Any transformational journey involves three stages: Awareness, Acceptance, and (inspired) Action

If you find yourself on any kind of transformational journey in life, you’re ultimately going to end up walking through three stages, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. This is something I talk about all the time because I use that in my coaching practice.

Ultimately, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action are going to take you from where you are now to where you want to be. And it’s no different when it comes to your values and figuring out what they are and then translating them into action or a sense of purpose or whatever you want to do with them.

Now, Awareness is always the first starting point of these transformational journeys because it ultimately just means asking yourself different questions to the ones you normally do.

If you ask yourself different questions to what you usually do, then you’re going to get insight and you’re going to uncover some new truth or some reality that you may have been avoiding because of ego resistance or distortion or simple ignorance – or whatever it is – and you’re going to have a stronger foundation on which to build your life.

And when it comes to values, it’s exactly the same thing. If you want to take yourself through, a values elicitation exercise, which is what coaches like to call these things, then it starts with simple questions.

Although there are actually thousands of values elicitation exercises, I like to use two really simple questions which are kind of related. But if you ask them and answer them honestly and then reverse engineer the answers to figure out what values are embodied in said answers, you can actually learn a lot.

So the two questions are basically the same question in two different ways:

  1. When have you felt most alive or best in life?
  2. When have you felt least alive or worst in life?

Now, answering both is recommended, but just for the sake of brevity, I’ll start with the first question.

You can start to figure out what your core values are by asking the right questions.

When have you felt best or most alive?

In my case, a simple answer to that question goes like this (“Simple”. Simple is, okay):

I’ve felt best and most alive when I’m out in nature hiking. I didn’t mention it earlier, but nature is also one of my core values. But anyway, when I am out in nature hiking, I feel totally present, totally alive, totally connected to all of life around me. And I feel free. I feel totally free. And I’m also doing things which I feel like are, making me healthier. And so just in that simple example of hiking in nature, two of my values become really clear – if I look at the experience, not the concept of it, of hiking, the experience.

What do I feel in that moment? I feel free. I feel healthy and I feel alive. And so if I can take that as being a benchmark for how I want to feel all the time, I can say, “Okay, I value health, I value freedom. How else do I bring these Values into my life when I’m not out there hiking – just going about my day to day business or designing my lifestyle?

“Well, okay, I’m going to make sure I have freedom in my business, freedom in relationships. Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom. How do I bring that into my life?”

And so, if you can answer those simple questions, one, the other, or both, then you can do the same thing: you can start to figure out what your core values are. Now, if you need some inspiration, because obviously we’re dealing with abstract concepts here. Abstract qualities

There’s a big list of values here. Or, if you want to take it up a notch, I have a free course, a seven day course called the Seven Day Personality Transplant System, Shock For Realness And Life Purpose. Long ass title.

The first module of the course is about death and how you can use your time to make sure that you make real choices around your values. And the first exercise for day one of the course is about going through this big list of values and then prioritising what yours are so you can boil it down to your core five values. So you can do that or you can answer those questions.

The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose is a complete course with 158-page workbook for deep diving into your ‘stuff’ and growing REAL.

Either way, you don’t have to do loads of work. You just have to raise awareness, ask yourself the right questions and then say, “Okay, these are my values. Now what am I going to do with them?”

Let’s talk about that now.

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This article is based on a transcript from this video.

What to do with your core values once you’ve figured them out.

 Once you’ve raised awareness of your core values, you need to actually accept the value and then take action on it. Awareness, Acceptance, and Action – it’s always about these three things.

Accepting your values means basically that you’re going to commit to them. If you don’t commit to them, then you’re just going to kind of let the world push you around and you’re going to compromise on the quality of your lifestyle and all that kind of stuff. And you’re not going to get the values that you need to be brought into your life on a consistent basis. So you need to accept them, which is about committing to them – basically saying, “Oh, okay, this truly is my value and so I’m going to do something with it”.

Then you need to take action. Taking action means that you change your values or translate your values into goals. So let’s keep it simple. If you value ‘freedom’ and your life right now doesn’t really have that much freedom because you’ve got a job that you don’t like and, your relationship, for whatever reason, is kind of toxic or whatever it is (because in this imaginary example, you’ve got unhealthy boundaries, blah, blah, blah). You basically feel that there’s no freedom in your life.

Or let’s take another example, ‘creativity’. You realise that you value creativity because the time you felt most alive was when you were painting a picture or something. And so you’re like, “Okay, I need to bring more creativity into my life. But right now, there’s lack of it.”

Once you’ve committed to that value, because you acknowledge that it is a real part of who you are, you need to act on it and turn it into a goal. So all that means is you come up with something specific that you want to do with it.

Remember the Lamborghini example right at the start where we said it’s the goal behind the goal that makes the real difference.

Maybe you think, “Okay, I want to bring more freedom into my life. My job sucks, so I’m going to quit my job right now.”

It might not be time to quit your job, although you can still put yourself on the path to eventually quitting if you’re truly committed to that value instead. Maybe a better thing to do right now is to find something like hiking or yoga or whatever it is. I’m just using my own examples because I’m so self-cantered but, basically, you need to find something that is going to bring more freedom into your life until you’re ready to quit your job and bring creativity and freedom into your life to a greater degree.

Maybe it just means you set yourself a goal: Painting a picture at least once a week. Keep it simple. None of this needs to be complicated but the point is, the more that you accept those values and commit to them, the more likely you are to act on them once you figure out what the goal looks like. And, day by day, your life is going to become much more real.

Because, as I said earlier:

 Real in, real out; unreal in, unreal out.

And so if you start acting on the real stuff, with real goals based around your values, then your life is going to become much better.

You can do values elicitation work in a real way or an unreal way.

So the final thing I want to say is that – as with anything else in life – you can do this values elicitation work in a real way or an unreal way.

Real means, ultimately, that it’s putting you on the path towards wholeness. Wholeness, for simplicity, means a connection to yourself,  a connection to other people, and a connection to life itself. And you can only have that connection if you’re willing to face the truth.

The opposite of that is, fragmentation. Fragmentation means that you are divided within yourself and you’re identifying with a false version, aka the ego, because of underlying emotional stuff, shame, guilt and trauma, and because of social conditioning from the world telling you that you don’t deserve to live your real values, or that you’re not good enough to live your real values or any other bullshit like that.

Now, when it comes to values, we can fall into the trap that I kind of talked about at the start of the video, where we value surface level things that we think are going to fill the void within us rather than finding the things within us that have been denied and putting them out into the world.

That’s a really subtle distinction, but it makes a big, big difference in your life. And the way that I normally describe it to my clients is that you’re either running towards something real or away from something unreal.

You want to be running towards something REAL – which means you figured out the true values within you that are aligned with wholeness and the journey towards growth and expansion that we’re all on  (because everything in real life is changing and evolving).  If we’re not on track with that, if we’re not moving with it, then we’re always resisting and distorting our relationship with life behind ego (running away from the unreal because the ego is always an attempt to hide from unreal emotions).

If you can figure out the values that are aligned with that journey towards wholeness – that natural drive that we all have – then you’re going to put yourself in a better position to grow REAL.

These kind of values are things like truth, because without the truth, you’re not going to be able to really dive inside yourself and find anything truly of value. Creativity, because we’re all creative when we’re real, and creativity allows us to stay curious and work with uncertainty and keep moving, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, etc.

What I’m saying is there are some values that support your growth, other values that you only really value because you’re disconnected within yourself, because of underlying emotional stuff – usually shame, guilt and/or trauma. The second type (unreal) is going to show up as, things that actually seem attractive to the ego side of you, but they’re going to stop you from growing.

And that’s things like valuing money for the sake of money, not the goal behind the goal that I was talking about earlier with the Lamborghini example, where money is going to give you freedom, it’s going to allow you to give more, it’s going to allow you to do, the things you’ve always wanted to do and get experiences.

If you just value money for the sake of it, probably there’ll be some egotistical thing going on inside you where you think, “Okay, if I have money, then I’m going to fill the void inside myself”, which won’t happen (well… maybe in the short term, but it will be short-lived)

Or maybe you think,  I’m going to feel superior to other people, which is going to help me deal with this feeling of shame, blah, blah, blah.” The point is, there are real values that are going to make you real. There are unreal values that are going to make you feel okay in the short term, but they’re not really going to change anything. And so that is why you need to go through this process. I’m talking about of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

Remember that if you become aware and accept and act on something real, you get real out. And if you put something unreal in because you’re not being real with yourself, you’re just going to get unreal back.

That’s how life works. And so if you can figure out your real values, act on them, life gets a lot better. You’ll feel good, and you’ll ultimately end up where you need to be, whether you get the surface level goals that you think you need or not, because you know that the goal behind the goal is always a real value.


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Sexual Polarity and the Shadow Self (Divine Masculine and Feminine Energy)

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There’s a high chance that you’ve become disconnected from your own nature – this article will help you get back in touch with something REAL by understanding the concept of SEXUAL POLARITY.

If you’re feeling stuck, you’re feeling lost, you’re feeling restless, you’re feeling like there’s a void or that there’s more to life and that you can express more of who you are in the world, then there’s a very, very high chance that you’ve become disconnected at some level from your own nature – especially in the form of either your masculine or feminine energy (if you want to use the word ‘energy’).  Either that or it has become out of balance in some way.

In other words, you’ve developed an unhealthy, distorted relationship with your sexual energy because you’re not being real with yourself. And normally this happens because of unresolved emotional stuff – shame, guilt and trauma are the main ones – or because of social conditioning that is telling you that your sexual energy, your nature, is unnatural in some way, or that it should be refined in a socially acceptable manner or whatever it is.

In other words, there are outside sources, outside forces coming into your experience of yourself that are basically acting as a barrier that is stopping you from letting out what needs to be put out into the world.  And so ultimately, this comes down to a theme that has come up so many times now on my YouTube channel, which is that there’s a dance between the ego and the shadow.

If you haven’t heard me rant about that before, it’s super simple:

Basically, when we feel shame, guilt and trauma, or we get social conditioning and we cave into it, we create a little version of ourselves, a fragmented version of ourselves, which is a box that we live in. And the only way that we can stay in that box is by disowning really important parts of who we are. It can be our emotions. It can be our true goals. It can be our values. It can be our sexual energy – which is theme of this article.

All of those things that we disown end up being stored in the shadow self, the shadow territory, as I like to call it. And we basically spend our whole lives filtering everything through the ego so that we can pretend those things don’t exist. But because they’re real, they never go anywhere. And it causes all kinds of problems in people’s lives in the form of friction, frustration, misery, relationship problems, the feeling of restlessness and void, and all the stuff I said a few paragraphs back.

And so the solution to many of our problems in life, as always, comes back to being as real as possible. And so this article is ultimately about how – for many, many people – the next level of realness for them is to face their own nature in terms of the predominant sexual polarity that they need to be expressing in the world – either masculine or feminine.

This article is going to be about some of the bullshit out there that you can avoid if you want to be happy, but also how you can start bringing this stuff to the surface by using your creativity, pushing through your ego, and allowing who you really are to actually be expressed instead of repressed so you can stop holding back and hesitating and go live a REAL life.

The big nature vs. nurture debate and REALNESS.

So there’s a big debate in society that’s been going on for years and years about whether nature or nurture takes  precedence when it comes to the human condition and the things that impact our lives and how they unfold and all that kind of stuff.

The consensus is that we need both. We need nature, obviously, because nature is nature. You can’t get rid of it. But we also need nurture, which means that if you create the right conditions, the right environment, then you can basically create any version of yourself that you want in order to get where you want to go and be happy and all that kind of stuff.

Both of those things are kind of true, but if they get out of balance, then it causes all kinds of problems in our lives. If we lean too much into the nature stuff, then we risk kind of becoming hedonistic. We live in the short term. We become driven by our instincts and just act on any impulse that pops up in our experience and all that kind of stuff.

If we lean too much to the nurture stuff, then we kind of become a bit too neurotic and detached from life itself, because we think ourselves into a way of being that keeps us in our comfort zone and where we try and control everything. And so another way of looking at it is that nature is about chaos, nurture is about control. And both of those things are kind of disruptive if we don’t see them in a real way.

Actually, we need both, but we need to accept and embrace that, but nature always takes precedence over nurture. And the reason for that is that nature is connected to reality. It has nothing to do with human ideas. It has nothing to do with human concepts. It just is what it is. And if it is what it is, then it’s real.

The only thing you can do with reality is accept it. And so that is the foundation for building a real life. The danger of the nurture stuff is that it’s filtered through all of our thoughts. And that most of our thoughts come from the ego, which, as we said at the start of the article, has been created because of our underlying shame, guilt, and trauma, and social conditioning.

And so, when we filter nurture through the ego stuff, we actually just exacerbate the problem – the problem being a disconnection from who we really are. A lot of people fear nature, though, because of the chaos and when it comes to our sexual energy that’s why a lot of women out there have become afraid of their femininity. It’s also why a lot of men out there have become afraid of their masculinity, because they don’t actually know how to take responsibility for the energy and direct it in alignment with their true values and their true intentions.

The other thing, of course, is that society has been built in such a way where men now fear women, and women fear men. And so everybody is kind of trying to meet in the middle in general – like out in public, at least when behind closed doors, it’s a totally different story. But in general, if we’re trying to fit into society, people are kind of meeting in the middle. And you have this this kind of, uh, androgynous, kind of wishy-washy culture where people are just all trying to be the same.

That is totally unreal, because we need both masculine and feminine. We need masculine and feminine to be expressed in a real way, because they complement each other.

And if you don’t have that complementary way of being, then everything just feels kind of empty and unreal. And that void that we were talking about at the start of the essay, the restless feeling – because the truth is hidden in the shadows –  just keeps getting worse and worse because nobody’s being real.

And so the way back to reality is to get away from the 50-50 thing and to go back in alignment with the natural laws of reality and life itself. And an ancient, ancient way of describing these natural laws is something you’ve probably all seen before: Yin and Yang.

I’m going to talk about that now because it actually sums up loads of stuff really, really well (and that’s probably why it’s lasted for so long). So let’s take a quick look at that.

Now, here’s the famous Yin Yang symbol. Everybody on the planet pretty much has seen this. And the reason it’s endured over so many generations is because it’s so real. It just makes so much sense of the natural laws. It sums it all up.

Basically, we have a circle, which is a symbol for wholeness, but then within the circle we have the perfect unity of masculine and feminine, and each one has the seed of its opposite within itself. That’s really, really important, because nobody is 100% masculine or 100% feminine. We all need the opposite within us to some degree so that we can become balanced and real. The thing is, you never ever want to be 50-50 because if you become 50-50, well, life just gets really boring.

Maybe you’d feel enlightened and you’d be like floating around on a cloud or something, but life would be really boring if you were just totally balanced within yourself. And it’s probably impossible here on planet Earth, which is why we need other people to complement us. This is the other reason that Yin and Yang is such a great summary of these natural laws that apply to us. All these forces are not in opposition. Masculine is not better than feminine. Feminine is not better than masculine. They’re equal, but they’re different. And more importantly, they complement each other.

That is the reason these things are so important. If you know what your predominant sexual polarity is then you can find a person that complements you. Or if you want to be single, you can go out into the world and find activities and environments and places that complement what’s going on inside you. So you can feel that real connection to life.

So Yin and Yang basically sums this all up. It’s the whole thing. So it’s all about wholeness. And it shows how within the whole, these two forces need to come together so that we can actually embrace what that wholeness is. And that’s a great summary for this whole thing – because, ultimately, if you can understand that, then you can figure out who you are and what you need, and you won’t be scared to embrace it because you know it’s real.

So all you can do now is accept it. And then you work with it and everything will work out. It’ll be amazing.

One thing that I love to say is that “the ego is the opposite of reality”. And that’s because the ego is the only thing that can cause you to distort or to resist your relationship with the truth. And if you want to live a good life, really, it’s quite simple: You just need to: 1) uncover the truth, and then 2) live the truth – because if you uncover the truth by raising awareness, then that will lead you to acceptance. And if you get to a place of acceptance, then any action that you do take in the world is going to be more real. It’s going to be aligned with who you really are. And that’s what this is all about.

So if you uncover the truth and then live the truth, things will work out. And the thing that can only ever stop you doing that is ego: the fragmented idea of yourself that stops you from moving with wholeness. Now, in relation to our sexual energy and all the stuff that we’re talking about in this article – masculine and feminine and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah – the ego is the thing that will either cause you to resist it in the sense that we’ve already kind of talked about.

When this happens you’ll bury it deep within the shadow territory, pretend it’s not there, stop taking responsibility for it and become unable to go in the direction that you want to move in whilst having an authentic relationship with that energy – either that or you’re going to distort it. And really there’s only two ways that you can distort things: You can either see it as been too little or as too much. And that happens with both masculine and feminine energy in our relationship with it.

So I want to talk about unreal relationships at both of those levels because of the way we distort by either being too little or too much in touch with it.

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This article is based on a transcript of this video.

Unreal relationships are when you’re not grounded in reality itself – you’re either too much or too little of some idea.

The Unreal Masculine

So let’s start with the unreal masculine. I’ll keep it short and sweet, but hopefully it’s going to give you some good info. Unreal relationships basically are when you are not coming from a place of acceptance and a place of being rooted in wholeness or reality itself – that ultimately just means that you’ve been very present.

You’re totally conscious and aware to the greatest extent possible. And you’re not thinking your way through life; you’re experiencing life.

That comes with a cost. The cost of being fully present is that you have to let go of all the illusions and all the bullshit that stop you from being present. All the distractions, all of that stuff. And if you’re at the start of a journey of trying to return to presence/realness, then you’re going to have a lot of those emotions I was talking about at the start: shame, guilt and trauma. And because of that, you’ll be in an ego driven place.

The only way to return to this place of wholeness, which is real, of pure presence, is to ride through that which is obviously going to be painful. And so because most people want to avoid that pain, they go to one extreme or the other of either having a very low, weak expression of their masculinity, or they turn up the volume in order to compensate for those feelings of shame, guilt and/or trauma, and they become almost a cartoon caricature of what they think masculinity is, which is when you end up being like a toxic male bro and all that kind of stuff (whatever people want to call it).

Now, the balance is not to be too much or not to be too little, but to be grounded where you actually are in the present moment, and to be able to respond to life without letting anything shake you from yourself. That is masculinity.

In Hinduism, they have Shiva and Shakti, which is basically their version of Yin and Yang. Shiva is the archetype for masculinity, and the short version of describing it is just “pure consciousness”. Nothing can shake it from itself. It’s totally, totally grounded. And if you don’t have that, then ultimately you’ve been unreal in some way. And the way it normally shows up is too little – where people are detached from their masculinity for all the reasons that we talked about: shame, guilt, and trauma, lost behind the ego, hidden in the shadow self.

And when that happens, they become detached from their purpose. They become wishy washy. They have unhealthy boundaries. They’re constantly being told what to do. They’re detached from their true values and intentions. Their life is not their life because they’re not grounded in the truth, which is pure presence. And so they’re letting the world tell them what to do. That’s too little masculinity.

But then the opposite end of the spectrum is also unreal. It’s where people realise, “Okay, I’m detached from m my masculinity. So I’m going to turn up the volume and become like a caricature of what I think masculinity means. I’m going to become hyper-aggressive. I’m going to become a total asshole, basically. I’m going to basically try and dominate the world around me to compensate for the feeling of inferiority that I have now.”

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be aggressive. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t go for your goals. It doesn’t mean you should take any shit. It just means if you’ve turned the volume all the way up because you feel like you’re detached from who you really need to be, then that’s just as unreal as being one of these weak willed, wishy washy guys that just has no purpose and anything like that.

The other thing about the purpose thing is that there’s a difference between a real purpose and an unreal purpose. And so when some people turn the volume all the way up in this compensatory way that I’m talking about, they’re acting and taking a lot of action, like a hustler or a grinder – whatever you want to call it – but they’re doing that purely for the sake of taking action to fill the void inside themselves. They’re not acting from the present grounded place of Shiva consciousness, whatever you want to call it, where they can take inspired action.

So the main difference between an unreal and a real masculine is that one is putting their being into their doing, and one is either doing f*ck all because they’ve been weak and passive, or they’re doing too much, but not as a way of putting their being into their doing, but as a way of doing things to mask the lack of connection to their being. Something like that.

The Unreal Feminine

The unreal feminine becomes unreal in exactly the same way as the masculine does. It’s either too much or too little – but too much or too little of what?

Well, if we go back to the Shiva Shakti thing, Shiva – the masculine archetype in Hinduism – is about pure consciousness, pure awareness, wholeness. In other words, Shakti, the feminine equivalent, which is complementary, like the Yin and Yang thing, is not about stillness, but about motion. And that is why a lot of the feminine qualities that we associate with femininity are about movement: whether it’s about emotion moving through them, whether it’s about dancing and getting in the body and all that kind of sensuous stuff.

The feminine is ultimately that. It’s about using movement to return to the present moment. And it complements the stillness of the masculine because those two bring each other together.

But anyway, if it’s too little, well, the feminine isn’t moving, and the energy within them becomes stagnated. They don’t express their emotions. They suppress them. Then they become stressed, they become burned out, they become depressed. And that is why a lot of feminine women use their bodies to return to wholeness.

Basically, there’s yoga, which I also do. I love yoga. But dancing, singing, all that kind of stuff.  Ultimately, that is because motion and movement gets them back to the present moment.

Now, if it’s too much, they move too much, they kind of lapse into a victim mindset. They become really passive, and they just let life move them all over the place. They lose touch with their vision, etc. etc.

The problem is, as with masculinity, a lot of women, because of what we’re saying at the start of the essay – about social conditioning and the ego and blah, blah, blah –  they’ve got stuck in this place where they’re 50-50, they’re trying to be like a man and vice versa. And when they wake up to that, because a lot of people do wake up to it, eventually they turn the volume all the way up and it becomes like an extreme version of what femininity is, and they lose control, basically.

They get in all kinds of situations they don’t want to be in. They have people take advantage of them. Their emotions take over completely. And then they just become so open minded that their brains fall out. And again, it’s about finding balance.

And the only way that you can find balance is by taking responsibility for your own energy, but giving it a direction to move in. If you don’t give it a direction to move in, that’s when you end up being totally lost. And that is the final part of this essay coming up, talking about how you can do that.

So you can embrace the energy, you’re aware of it, you accept it, but then you can take action with it that is going to be authentic and take you to a place that you want to go, not to one that’s just going to exacerbate the problems in your life and make everything worse.

The creative process is the process of allowing the unconscious to become conscious.

So what are you supposed to do if you realize that you have some of the problems we’ve kind of started to unpack in this essay?

If you realise that your ego, because of your emotional stuff and social conditioning, telling you that you should be a certain way, has caused you to hide your nature in the shadows? Or if you started to bring that nature to the surface, but it’s gone too far in either direction, you’ve either turned the volume all the way up because you’re trying to compensate, because you’ve become aware of the detachment?

Or what if you’re sort of aware of it but you’re afraid and you’ve just tried to hide it, you’ve turned the volume down and you’ve become kind of a weak expression of your own nature?

Well, whether it’s self-induced because of the emotional stuff or if it’s social conditioning, the problem is the same: The problem is that your shadow self is not getting an outlet for expression. And normally when I’m coaching people, what I find is there will be some goal in their life, some calling from the unconscious mind that needs to be made conscious, that is going to allow the shadow to become more ‘embodied’, shall we say, in the lives of the person in question.

Normally, that goal is going to be some creative thing because the creative process, ultimately, is the process of allowing the unconscious to become conscious, for us to deconstruct the ego, i.e., raise awareness of how we’re holding ourselves back with social conditioning and self-limiting beliefs and all that stuff, so that we can allow integration of all those parts that we disowned by creating the ego in the first place (in other words, we can integrate the shadow).

If you look inside yourself, or if you just ask yourself honestly, there will probably be something that you want to do that you’re avoiding. It’s going to be some creative thing.

Creative in this context is just anything that is going to bring you back to the present moment and make the unconscious conscious. It might be like a business idea that you’ve had. It might be a literal creative project, like some kind of a musical thing or an artistic thing or whatever it is. There’ll be something that you’re called to do, but you’re holding back on it because of the ego and the way that it talks to you and causes you to believe you have to be this limited version of yourself.

What you need to do is to create a vision for moving forward with whatever that is. And as you do move forward with it, you will basically learn to deprogram yourself from trying to control everything with the ego stuff and to get into this more fluid, chaotic way of being that your true nature actually asks you to work with. But because you’re moving in alignment with a vision, you’re going to have a sense of order and chaos, and you’re going to bring them together.

If you can do that well, you will move forward in life in the way that you want to move forward – you’ll be doing things that are authentic to you. But more importantly, you’re going to bring these qualities that you’ve been hiding from yourself back to the surface. You’re going to bring them into balance by merging order and chaos with the vision and the more chaotic stuff that’s kind of motivating that vision. And you’re going to get where you want to be.

And so that’s kind of a roundabout way of finishing this article, I guess. But what I’m saying is, if you can find something from your shadow that you can start acting on and you can turn it into a vision within the wider context of your life, then you’re going to either solve this problem or at least start solving this problem. because you’re going to not be living as an idea, but you’re going to be living as an experience of yourself and your nature going to come to the surface.

You’re not just going to be nurturing yourself, nurturing with the ego stuff, and you can be more real in your own NATURE.


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Law of Attraction / Manifestation Explained (An Introduction to the Law of Attraction for REALNESS)

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Demystifying the Law of Attraction so you can get REAL results.

This mini-course is about how you can use the law of attraction to get REAL results.

Oh, hi there – Oli Anderson here. Welcome to this mini-course about The Law of Attraction for Realness.

Ultimately, what we’re going to be talking about here is how you can use the law of attraction to get results and to change your life in the way that you might want to.

We’re going to try and do this in a real way which means that we’re going to look at how reality actually works, how human beings actually work and we’re going to have a no bullshit policy basically so that we can avoid a lot of the misconceptions that people have about this stuff and ultimately just get to the nitty gritty – so you can start using this in a very quick way if you haven’t been using it, or to start using it in a real way if you’ve tried using it and haven’t got results yet.

By the end of this you’ll have a better understanding of what the law of attraction really is. You’ll understand how your relationship with yourself ultimately affects your life and you’ll be moving towards some kind of a vision for yourself and your life that gets you pumped up and excited because it’s going to be real and you’ll also know that you have a lot more control over that than you may have initially been led to believe.

This mini-course has six modules.

So I’m going to get right into it. This little mini-course has six modules. So this is just so you know what’s coming up.

We got: 1) An introduction to Law of Attraction. That’s what this article is. We’re going to talk about 2) Mindset and Beliefs that either allow you to get results from the law of attraction or not. We’re going to do some 3) Creative Visualization stuff. We’re going to talk about 4) Inspired Action and then we’re going to look at 5) Gratitude and Appreciation and then we’re going to look at 6) Maintaining Momentum.

It’s all leading up to this idea of maintaining momentum which ultimately just means that you’re going to make some lifestyle changes and you’re going to basically improve your relationship with yourself by improving your relationship with reality.

And then you’re going to get better results because you’re not creating friction or distortion and resistance, which is what we’re going to talk about in this course ultimately.

Your inner vibe will affect your outer world. No question.

So I’m going to get right into it. This is the first module. It’s basically just an introduction to the law of attraction. But it’s not an introduction to the law of attraction as it might have been sold to you before. It’s an introduction to it in a real way.

And ultimately – what that means – is that we’re looking at this definition, a real definition of the law of attraction.

People love to make things more complicated than they actually are. I believe that the reason we make things so complex is because of our egos and the ego needing complexity to be a thing so that we can basically maintain the ego in its current form and then avoid our, emotional, stuff and all this kind of thing.

The simplest definition of the law of attraction is ultimately this: It means that whatever vibe you put out into the world is what you’re going to get back. That’s it. There’s so many things out there that make this so complicated, and they’re all ultimately just metaphors about this same thing, which is, that your inner vibe will affect your outer world.

Now, to what extent that actually might be is up to you to decide. Like some people think your inner state will completely, 100 million% affect everything in your outer experience. Some people might think that it just affects it a little bit. Whatever.

Either way, this law is a natural law that is true and is real and applies to all of us. And so once you start working with it and embracing it – and you start seeing changes in your life because you’ve been using it – then you can decide to what extent you want to go with this. But ultimately, your vibe affects what you get. And, we can call this for simplicity, the Boomerang Effect.

What you throw out there is going to come back to you in some way, shape or form. This is just the natural law of life. Not everybody likes to accept it, because in my opinion, they’re filtering life through their ego and maybe their life sucks. And so they don’t want to take responsibility for their thoughts and say to themselves, “Oh, okay. This crappy situation that I have found myself in is actually a reflection of this crappy relationship inside my head that I have with myself”.

We’ll get into all that but, right now, this is what we are now defining the law of attraction as:  “what you throw out there is what you’re going to get back”. And so if you want to improve your life, you need to start throwing out things that are more real, more true, more whole, and all of the other things that we’re about to talk about in this little mini-course.

The short version of understanding this is that if you put something real into life, you will get something real out of life. And conversely, if you put something unreal into life, you’ll get something unreal out of it.

If you’re familiar with my work – you’ve read my books or whatever – well, you’ll have heard me talk about everything ultimately boils down to wholeness or fragmentation. Wholeness means you are connected to yourself, you’re connected to the world, you’re connected to reality because you’ve raised your awareness and you accept things and blah, blah, blah. And so you’re putting the real version of you ultimately out into the world.

The opposite of that – the opposite of wholeness – is fragmentation. Fragmentation means you’ve created a little idea in your head that’s caused you to be disconnected from life itself. And that means that you’re being unreal because you’re always connected to life, whether you know it or you don’t know it. Whether you’re conscious of it or you’re unconscious of it.

And so when you’re fragmented in that way, you’re caught up in your ego, false identity. You put that out into the world, it motivates the things that you do, and your life ends up being unreal.

So in relation to the law of attraction, if you can be real with yourself, well, you’re going to put something real out into life and then you’re going to get something real back. Because of the Boomerang Effect: what you throw out there is always going to come back to you. That is a natural law.

The other thing about this law of attraction thing is because it’s a natural law, it’s always working beneath the surface of our lives, whether we know it or not. And so that means that all of us are always using the law of attraction; we’ve been using it our whole lives. And whatever we have right now in our lives ultimately is massively, massively, massively inspired by that inner relationship or impacted by the law of attraction is a natural law.

We all use it all the time – the only thing is that most of us have been using it unconsciously, without awareness. This course is about changing that so that you can use this natural law, the law of attraction, consciously.

That’s basically all you need to really pick up from this course. Most people are using it unconsciously. It applies to us all. If you want to improve your life, you need to accept it and be aware of it, of course, but then work with it instead of against it. That means making conscious choices, knowing that it’s a real thing and basically managing your inner relationship with yourself, then with life and everything else – so that when you throw these ‘boomerangs’ out, you’re throwing something real and then that is going to come back to you.

One thing that people don’t like about this is that it means – because the law of attraction is always working – that your life right now is a product of what you put out in the past.

So whatever is coming back to you, today, basically, at this particular period of your life where you’re doing this course, whatever is coming back to you is a product of the boomerangs that you’ve thrown out before.

Now, obviously not everybody wants to hear this, especially if their life sucks. And, I can understand that, I guess. But the thing is, this is actually a very powerful thing or empowering thing because it means that you have so much more choice over the future than you may initially have been led to believe.

If your life sucks and you keep focusing on that, well, you’re just going to keep putting out the same old BS and you’re going to keep getting the same BS back because of the boomerangs you’re throwing. I.e. the same boomerangs you’ve been throwing for however many years because of your conditioning and the voices in your head that you’re hypnotizing yourself with.

If you can understand that, if you start throwing out different boomerangs today, more real ones, then eventually the external world is going to catch up with that, and start throwing real stuff back at you, then you realise that we all have a lot of power over our lives. It’s a very amazing, very liberating thing.

A Quick History of The Law Of Attraction.

Here’s a quick history of the law of attraction. Just so you know what we’re talking about and the context that we found ourselves in:

It’s been around since ancient times. And, the reason it’s been around since ancient times is because it’s a natural law. Gravity has been around forever. We may have only discovered it when that apple fell on Isaac Newton’s head, but it was still there before that. It’s the same with the law of attraction. It’s a natural law. And so every human being in the history of human history has been using this law either unconsciously or consciously.

It got popular in the 19th century with the new thought movement: authors like Neville Goddard and Napoleon Hill popularized it. Napoleon Hill wrote that famous book, Think, And Grow Rich.

The Law of Attraction became even more popular with the release of the Secret in 2006 – based on, the work of Abraham Hicks. And then ever since then, there’s just been a load of bullshit and marketing nonsense: Online influencers on Instagram selling all these different techniques and offering it as a panacea to every problem in life.

And it can help you a lot. But ultimately, most of those people are just trying to sell things and it’s not complicated. People need things to be complicated for their own egos and so they can sell things to people that are confused. But basically, this is where we are.

It’s a very controversial concept. The reason it’s controversial is because you can’t prove it objectively. Like even me talking about it now, it might sound like bullshit to some people because I’m basically saying, “Okay, if you change your inner state, then your outer world is going to reflect that and everything can be hunky dory and amazing and beautiful”, but you can’t prove it scientifically because we’re dealing with the inner workings of the mind and our connection to everything else.

The only way you can really find out if the law of attraction works is to start using it.

Science likes to kind of isolate things and break them down and so on and so forth. And it works. It’s all about falsifying things and testing things. That’s awesome. But we’re dealing here with subjective experience and the only way you can really find out if this works is to start using it.

Personally, I didn’t used to believe in the law of attraction. I was very rationally minded individual. I thought that we needed peer reviewed studies for everything and blah, blah, blah. But then I actually started using it and getting results and having all these inexplicable things happen to me. And, now I will never doubt it ever.

But again, don’t just take my word for it. You need to basically start using these principles yourself and you will just see that reality is way more interesting and intricate and intense than we may have been led to believe – basically, reality is controversial.

That’s why I think a lot of people, have an issue with this: the law of attraction means that we can take full responsibility for our lives. Not everybody likes that.

So anyway, it’s controversial. I acknowledge that. I know that by talking about it, some people are going to have an issue. That’s fine. I’m just talking from personal experience and sharing what’s worked for me. And basically that’s that.

There’s a quote from Jesus in the Bible. I’m not like a religious fruitcake or anything like that, but ultimately it’s this:

“Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened unto you.” – Matthew 7:7

Now that sounds very, dramatic. And of course, this can be taken completely out of context. You could think that the law of attraction just means that you have to ask for something and then basically that’s it. You don’t have to do anything else.

I believe this quote is true, but it’s not quite as, easy as some people might make it sound or seem. You still have to take action and you still have to do the inner work so that the things you are asking for, seeking and knocking on the door to find are real.

The reason that the law of attraction doesn’t work for a lot of people is because they’re coming from an egotistical place. And so it’s the thing that we just said: unreal in leads to unreal out and so they don’t get the results that they want or they end up miserable.

YouTube player
This article is based on a transcript of this video taken from my The Law of Attraction for Realness mini-course.

Some common misconceptions about the law of attraction.

We’re going to talk about this in more detail as we go through the course.

Like I just said, you still need to take action. There’s a lot of bullshit out there that just makes people believe they can just do nothing and all of their dreams will come true. Life doesn’t work like that. You still need to take action and show the world and reality and life and God or whatever it is that you believe in.

This is another misconception: You need to show that you’re serious and you need to take inspired action – which is what we’re going to talk about you have chosen most of the things in your life. But that doesn’t make you God.

There’s so much bullshit out there where people are telling themselves that they’re God, “I’m God, I can control everything”. No, you are the creation. The law of life is the creator. We have all been created by reality itself. And you can call that God or whatever you want to call it.

We did not create everything. We did not create the law of attraction. So if you were a God you would be able to use the law of attraction to get rid of the law of attraction. That isn’t ever going to happen. And so there’s so much bullshit out there which is just ego again because the ego is the illusion of control where people use this stuff to actually make their spiritual problems a lot worse. And so if you start to believe that you’re a God and all that, you’re just going to cause problems for yourself. So that’s a misconception.

Finally. You can only really use the law of attraction with things that are real. That’s why I already said “Real in, real out”.

If you try and get something unreal with the law of attraction you’ll either get it and you’ll be totally miserable because what goes up comes down or you just won’t get it. And then you’ll be frustrated and you’ll think that the law of attraction doesn’t work.

So a lot of this stuff is about going through the process of removing the unreal things inside yourself and unlearning those things so that you can be more real. We’re going to talk about this a lot: Distortion and Resistance – but ultimately the problem for most people is that they ask for things that they really want but then they distort their intentions and desires with ego resistance.

We’re going to talk about this more in the next module, but ultimately you need to know this:

People, think you can just ask and receive, but if you have distortion and resistance, which is always ego, then this stuff is not going to work. And so again, it’s about using the law of attraction to find something real, hold onto it and that’s it.

All we’re doing here is being real, as real as possible and ego resistance is just anything that causes to avoid awareness and acceptance and the natural laws of reality so we can take inspired action. That’s it.

The main thing that causes people to get into ego is shame, guilt and trauma. So this is going to come up a little bit, but basically this is why the inner work is so important.

If you have ego problems, then you have emotional problems and so you need to work on the inner stuff before you’re going to get the outer results. And a lot of people try this without doing the inner work and so they don’t get the results or things get worse for them and they just tell themselves that this is bullshit.

But the reason it seems like bullshit is because they’re coming at it from an unreal point of view. The inner state is the key.

That’s basically what we need to learn in this course: The main thing you need to do is manage your inner state so it’s aligned with the real things that you want. This just means unlearning a lot of the bullshit and conditioning you picked up in life and dissolving into your realness.

You also need to manage your relationship with yourself so you don’t distort your relationship with REALITY worry and fear and doubts.

What we’re trying to do here to make this work and the main point of this little course is you’re trying to get to an inner state where you have a sense of equanimity, you feel good, everything is amazing and then you can start trying to manifest and all that kind of stuff.

Write down a list of things you want to attract in your life.

So that is the end of this first little mini module. If you want an exercise to do so you can kind of integrate this, well, here it is:

Write down a list of things that you want to attract in your life. It could be anything: Material possessions, experiences, personal qualities. A classic way to do this in coaching is to think about what you want to be, what you want to do and what you want to have.

Once you’ve done that, reflect on why these things are either real to you or unreal. If they’re real you’ll know why. If they’re unreal then scrub them off the list and don’t even worry about it. You need to find something real that you want to move towards.

So that is the end of this first module. I will see you in the next one and I hope that has given you a good overview of where we’re going with this!


If you’re interested in the full mini-course then you can get more information by clicking here.

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