The Ego and the Shadow Self are In Constant Conflict: This is the SHADOW DANCE
Most of us are living what Thoreau described as “Lives of quiet desperation” – this is because we’re ‘living’ and acting out a version of ourselves that is, at best, a fragmented fraction of who we really are in wholeness:
We wear masks, we suppress certain parts of ourselves, and we become tangled in a never-ending dance between who we think we are (Ego) and who we’ve buried in the Shadow Territory (the real self we abandoned along the way because of shame, guilt, and/or trauma – check out Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World to go deeper).
This dance – which I like to call the Shadow Dance – is the internal struggle that stops us from fully stepping into our REALNESS – those most alive and purpose-driven version of who we actually are in TRUTH.
If you feel restless, ‘stuck’, or just generally full of friction and frustration – because things never seem to go ‘right’ – then here’s the uncomfortable truth that will ultimately ‘save’ you (help you get back on the track towards wholeness):
Everything you truly want, everything that would you feel whole, everything that would bring you back to a sense of deep alignment, is hidden in the SHADOW TERRITORY.
Let’s dig a little deeper:

How We Lose Ourselves in the Shadow Dance
Let’s break it down to understand how we end up in this situation:
- We are born real and connected to wholeness.
As children, we don’t overthink our actions – we just are. We express freely, feel deeply, and move through life without the weight of self-judgement or societal expectations. - Something happens that causes us to feel shame.
It could be trauma, rejection, criticism, or simply an experience that makes us believe that who we are isn’t fully acceptable and causes us to feel SHAME (the most common cause of this inner split). At that moment, fragmentation begins and we start to act, feel, and/or think as other than we actually are in TRUTH. - Parts of us get sent into hiding.
Maybe we were told we were “too much” or “too sensitive” or “too wild” – whatever the case, we start suppressing these real parts of ourselves (both ‘good’ and ‘bad’), locking them away in the Shadow Territory where they remain unseen but never go anywhere because what’s real is always real. - We create a mask to survive.
In response to this fragmentation, we construct an identity – an ego– that is shaped by external approval rather than internal truth. We become what we think we need to be to fit in, to be loved, to stay safe. - We identify with the mask, and the Shadow Dance begins.
At this point, we’ve forgotten that the mask is just a survival mechanism. We think it’s who we really are. Underneath, though, there’s always a tension – a friction between the ego we show the world and the shadow self we’ve rejected.
This dance between ego and shadow is exhausting and can totally derail our lives – it keeps us playing small, living half-truths, and wondering why we feel unfulfilled, stuck, or disconnected from life.
The reason is simple: we are disconnected from life and so we need to find our way back so we can close the Void.
Why We Fear Our Shadow Self (Even Though It Holds Our Freedom)
Most of us avoid our shadow because we assume it only contains pain, shame, and darkness and, while those things might be buried in there, they’re not the full story. In fact, our greatest gifts are also locked away in the shadow:
- Our creativity (suppressed because we were told it wasn’t practical)
- Our real emotions (buried because they were “too much”)
- Our authentic desires (hidden because they didn’t fit into the expectations placed on us)
- Our power and energy (diluted because it made others uncomfortable)
- Our connection to God, truth, and flow (ignored because we prioritised external validation over inner knowing)
- Our ability to TRUST ourselves and life and get the REAL results we want (ignored because we grew up in a cynical world and trust is seen as being impractical).
- Etc. Etc. Etc.
Everything we yearn for in life – passion, depth, meaning – is waiting for us in the shadows but to access it, we need to stop protecting the ego’s illusion of safety and start trusting the process of real integration.
Here’s how you can start to do so:
Breaking Free: How to Step Out of the Shadow Dance
How do we stop running from our realness and reclaim the unlived life we abandoned along the way?
1. Recognise When You’re ‘Protecting’ the Ego
The ego’s job is to keep us comfortable and so it avoids anything that threatens its identity (this is why certain events can ‘trigger’ or ‘activate’ people). The problem is, real growth is uncomfortable and so if we only listen to the ego, we’ll never evolve.
The short-version is that the ego takes us out of reality because it’s the opposite of reality. If we want results, then we need to flip this on its head because the only place we can get results is…reality.
Start paying attention to when you’re defending yourself, making excuses, or resisting change – more often than not, these are moments when the shadow is knocking at the door and you’re refusing to answer because you’re not making conscious choices but being prompted by the old conditioning of ego.
Ask yourself:
- Am I avoiding something because it challenges who I think I am?
- Am I afraid of stepping into something bigger but, ultimately, better for me?
- Am I staying small because it feels ‘safer’ despite what I know I really want?
2. Reclaim the ‘Parts’ of You That Were Sent into Hiding
What did you love as a child but abandon as you grew up? What aspects of yourself have you suppressed out of fear of judgement?
A powerful exercise: Make a list of qualities, desires, and interests that you’ve ignored or denied then, ask yourself:
- Where did this suppression start?
- Who does this suppression benefit (if it’s not ‘You’ then you need to make a change and grow real)?
- What would happen if I allowed this ‘part’ of me to resurface?
- How can I start integrating this into my life again by taking REAL ACTION?
For example, if you used to be wildly creative but shut it down because it wasn’t ‘practical’ or ‘useful’, then start creating again – not for external success or validation but simply because doing so is REAL to you.
3. Merge Past, Present, and Future into One Flowing Reality
True integration happens when we bring together who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming into one seamless, flowing experience of REAL life.
- The past: Instead of avoiding old wounds, integrate them – face them, process them, and see them as part of who you are in wholeness rather than a reason to remain fragmented.
- The present: Live moment to moment, responding to reality as it unfolds instead of reacting from old patterns which are always EGO.
- The future: Use your vision as a compass – not something to obsess over, but something that creates a healthy tension that pulls you forward while keeping you in flow.
When we do this, we stop being at war with ourselves and can stop the Shadow Dance from pulling us to pieces – instead, we move with life rather than against it.
4. Let Go of the Fear and Just Trust the Process
Everything we’re looking for is on the other side of letting go:
Letting go of old identities, letting go of ego-driven fears, letting go of the belief that staying safe is more important than being real (though, paradoxically, your REALNESS is the safest thing in the universe).
If you keep letting go, then eventually you’ll find the TRUTH – this is a fact. If you don’t feel stable within yourself, then it means there’s something to let go of that’s keeping you from your REALNESS. Letting go in this way takes TRUST but you will always find what you want in the end.
Despite popular misconceptions, trust of this kind isn’t passive – it’s an active surrender to the process of unfolding. The more we trust, the more we flow; the more we flow, the more we reclaim the energy we’ve buried in the Shadow Territory and can start to live our real life.
This also brings more energy because we no longer have to keep fighting reality and feeding into our illusions (ego) – and the more energy we reclaim, the more alive we become.

Final Thoughts: Living the Life That’s Really Yours
Your REAL, unlived life isn’t lost – it’s just waiting for you in the shadows. The version of you that feels whole, powerful, creative, and deeply connected is still there, beneath the layers of ego and F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).
The choice is always there: stay ‘safe’ in the illusion or step into realness.
Stay real out there,


Check out Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World to go much deeper into the Shadow Dance and what you can do about it.