Mindset

Posts about cultivating a REAL mindset so you can get better RESULTS from yourself and life.

‘Divine’ Masculine and Feminine: Embracing Your REAL Nature?

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Finding a REAL Balance of Your Natural Energy

For the last couple of years (at least), the concepts of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine have been gaining traction in ‘spiritual’ and self-development circles, often accompanied by a sense of urgency – or even frantic, ego-driven obsession.

How come? What’s behind this cultural fascination with these archetypes?

A potentially bold take is this: most people start diving into the world of the Divine Masculine and Feminine not because they feel connected to their nature, but because they don’t and feel that they’re deeply LACKING in some way.

This is because our society as a whole has been too focused on assuming that everybody is ‘equal’ (which they can be in many ways) but making the mistake of assuming that ‘equal’ means ‘the same’.

This has confused the natural boundaries between the two sexes and this has left many people confused and sent them into hiding (in other words, the dominant sexual polarity of many people has gone into the SHADOW TERRITORY).

This has led to a situation where men and women are often trying to compensate for a perceived lack of masculinity or femininity in themselves, often driven by shame, insecurity, or social conditioning.

Before we get too lost in the abstract, let’s explore what these terms – ‘Divine Masculine’ and ‘Divine Feminine’ – actually mean, why they’re so misunderstood, and how to embrace them in a way that’s authentic, liberating, and aligned with your REALNESS.

What Are the Divine Masculine and Feminine?

The Divine Masculine and Feminine represent complementary energies present in all things – they’re not strictly about gender or biology but about archetypal qualities that exist within everyone (though, biological men usually have more ‘masculine’ and biological women have more ‘feminine’).

  • Divine Masculine: Think of structure, action, logic, direction, and the ability to protect and provide. The masculine is like the steady riverbank that gives the rushing water its shape.
  • Divine Feminine: This is flow, intuition, creativity, nurturing, and receptivity. The feminine is like the water itself – dynamic, free, and life-giving.

These two forces are often compared to yin and yang in Taoist philosophy: opposing yet interconnected, dependent on one another for balance and harmony. Similarly, in Hindu mythology, they’re represented by Shiva (the masculine principle of stillness and consciousness) and Shakti (the feminine principle of energy and creation).

This all seems pretty simple but – in a world obsessed with homogenising people and erasing differences for F.E.A.R of not being ‘virtuous’ enough – many of us have lost with these energies within ourselves (this shows up in all kinds of ways including mummy and daddy issues).

When that happens, the result is confusion, shame, and a desperate attempt to ‘fix’ what feels broken but which is (actually) just hidden from view.

SHAME: The Fear of Not ‘Enough’?

A lot of people become obsessed with the Divine Masculine and Feminine because they feel disconnected from these energies. This often stems from:

  1. Social Conditioning
    Modern culture tends to downplay differences between masculine and feminine energies, focusing instead on making everyone “equal” in a way that often translates to “the same”.

    While equality is important (when possible), this homogenisation can create confusion about how to express our unique qualities. Masculinity and femininity become caricatures in this context – superficial traits like “being tough” or “being nurturing” instead of deeper, natural energies.
  2. Shame
    Many people carry shame about not being “masculine enough” or “feminine enough”. Men might fear they’re too sensitive, while women might fear they’re too assertive. This shame drives them to overcompensate, often leading to inauthentic expressions of these energies.
  3. Mental Blocks and Shadow Work
    As Carl Jung famously said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate”. When we fear our own REAL nature – whether it’s our masculine drive or feminine intuition – it’s usually because of unresolved shadow work. The Ego resists what it doesn’t understand, creating mental blocks that keep us from embracing our full selves and keeping the REAL version of who we are hidden in the Shadow Territory of our unconscious mind.

When Obsession Replaces Authenticity

Here’s the funny thing about the modern obsessoin with ‘Divine’ Masculine and Femine:

Istead of reconnecting with their natural energy, many people turn the volume all the way up, trying to embody the most exaggerated version of what they think they’re missing. This is purely because they’re SELF-INFLATING because of the SHAME they feel about how the perceive their embodiment of these energies:

  • A man who fears he’s not “masculine enough” might throw himself into hyper-masculine behaviours- bulking up at the gym, being overly stoic, or aggressively pursuing success.
  • A woman who fears she’s not “feminine enough” might overemphasise her appearance, avoid assertiveness, or force herself into traditional caregiving roles.

This is what happens when we try to filter our natural energy through concepts rather than letting it flow freely. The result is a performance rather than authenticity – a mask rather than realness. Ego over the TRUTH.

The Role of Age and Conditioning

This struggle often becomes more pronounced with age. As people grow older, they notice that others don’t treat them the way they used to – men may feel they’re no longer seen as powerful or desirable; women may feel they’re no longer admired or appreciated, for example.

What’s really happening, though, isn’t about the world “treating” you differently – it’s about you being different. The conditioning and expectations you’ve absorbed over time may have distanced you from your natural energy. And when you’re disconnected from yourself, others will mirror that disconnection.

The good news? You can change this by reconnecting with your true nature and GROWING REAL.

The Path Back to Balance: Yin, Yang, Shiva, and Shakti

To reconnect with your Divine Masculine and Feminine, it’s helpful to look at the wisdom of Yin and Yang or Shiva and Shakti.

These principles show us that balance is key – and balance doesn’t mean sameness. It means embracing the interplay of opposites which are in ALL of us:

  1. Yin and Yang
    • Yin (feminine energy): darkness, receptivity, intuition, and flow.

    • Yang (masculine energy): light, action, direction, and structure.

    Yin and Yang are not rivals – they are partners that COMPLEMENT each other. Too much Yang without Yin leads to burnout and rigidity; too much Yin without Yang leads to stagnation and chaos. True harmony comes from their dance, where each supports and enhances the other.
  2. Shiva and Shakti
    • Shiva represents stillness, awareness, and the unchanging essence of consciousness.Shakti represents movement, creativity, and the dynamic energy of life.

    In Hindu philosophy, Shakti brings Shiva’s potential into form, while Shiva provides the container for Shakti’s energy. One cannot exist without the other – they are two sides of the same coin that COMPLEMENT each other (again).

This balance is a reflection of what we should strive for within ourselves and in our (romantic) relationships: a harmonious relationship between our masculine and feminine energies.

Practical Steps to Reconnect with Your REAL Nature

If you feel disconnected from your Divine Masculine or Feminine, don’t overthink it (because it has nothing to do with thinking and concepts but with actual BEING and EXPERIENCE) – the solution isn’t to become a caricature of these energies but to reconnect with what’s already inside you.

  1. Embrace Your Differences
    Stop trying to be the same as everyone else – whether you naturally lean more masculine, more feminine, or a mix of both, honour your unique expression. Remember, the miracle of divinity lies in being REAL and this means embracing your differences and respecting the similiarities.
  2. Let Go of Shame
    Shame around your masculinity or femininity isn’t yours to carry – it’s a product of conditioning, not truth. Acknowledge it, but don’t let it define you. The bottom line is that the world NEEDS masuline men and feminine women.
  3. Tune into Your Natural Rhythms
    Pay attention to your body, emotions, and instincts. Masculine energy thrives in discipline and action; feminine energy thrives in rest and flow. Both are essential – find the balance that works for you. Even a masuline guy who is in YANG energy all the time will occasionally need some YIN energy to bring himself back to centre (I do this with my workouts, for example – I always go pretty YANG with my weights but then follow with some YIN yoga to bring myself into being ROOTED).
  4. Shadow Work
    Explore the fears and insecurities that block you from embracing your true nature. What parts of yourself have you rejected or suppressed? Bring them into the light with compassion and allow them to be RECLAIMED as part of who you are. So many men I’ve worked with have initially been suppressing their MASCULINITY, for example – when you get it out of the SHADOW TERRITORY, real life can start taking place.
  5. Express Freely
    Drop the concepts and masks. Stop trying to ‘act’ masculine or feminine because of some spiritual bullsh*ttery you saw on social media and simply be yourself. Your authenticity is what makes you divine (REAL) so start by becoming AWARE of where you are, ACCEPT it and then take ACTION from that place instead of some concept you picked up somewhere (Awareness, Acceptance, and Action work every time – book a call and I’ll walk you through it).

Divine Masculine and Feminine in Real Life

To ground this in reality, consider these examples:

  • A man embracing his Divine Masculine might set boundaries with kindness, protect those he loves, and take decisive action towards his goals. He isn’t afraid of vulnerability because he knows it strengthens his ability to lead. He doesn’t need to ‘explain’ himself or justify himself for thinking what he’s thinking, feeling what he’s feeling, and doing what he’s doing. He just IS – rooted in his being.
  • A woman embracing her Divine Feminine might trust her intuition, create beauty in her environment, and nurture relationships with empathy. She isn’t afraid of assertiveness because she knows it strengthens her capacity to care and she knows that there’s a lot of STRENGTH that comes from being REAL.

Both are powerful, and neither is limited by rigid roles or stereotypes – they are simply expressions of nature itself, flowing freely without fear or shame.

(There is NO SHAME in nature – look at the animals).

The Bottom Line: Accept, Express, and TAKE REAL ACTION

The Divine Masculine and Feminine aren’t abstract ideals to strive for – they’re energies already within you, waiting to be embraced (because what’s real is always real). The more you accept yourself without fear or masks, the more naturally these energies will flow without you having to ‘think’ about it or create some FILTER of what it means to try and live through (that’s ego).

Basically: Stop filtering your nature through concepts and conditioning. Instead, let the dance of Yin and Yang, Shiva and Shakti, guide you back to the balance of being REAL.

Accept who you are, express what you find, and let your realness be what it is.

Stay real out there,

Get Closure: Fill in the Blanks with REALNESS

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When You Don’t Know What’s Going On, CHOOSE Something REAL

Most of the things you don’t know don’t matter.

Think about that for a second:

How much time do we waste agonising over unanswered and unanswerable questions, overanalysing someone else’s behaviour, or spinning stories to explain things that are, quite frankly, unknowable?

When you don’t have all the answers, your brain will fill in the blanks – it’s part of how humans are wired: we find ourselves in an open loop and our minds try to close them.

Here’s a lesson, though: what you fill those blanks with can either serve you or sabotage you.

This is where understanding REALNESS comes into play:

Life isn’t about being ‘perfect’ or knowing it all; it’s about living in alignment with what’s real – real in your relationship with yourself, real to the world, and real in terms of moving towards wholeness.

When you don’t know something, the most real thing you can do is choose beliefs that support your growth, rather than letting your mind run wild with assumptions that hold you back and cause you to doubt yourself or get lost in F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”).

Let’s explore how to stop defaulting to destructive projections and start filling the blanks in ways that keep you real, grounded, and growing so you can stay in the FLOW of your REAL life.

Projection: The Lens That Warps Reality

Imagine this: you’re walking down the street, and someone you know passes you without saying hello – maybe they even seem to avoid eye contact or they scuttle off in a suspicious manner.

What’s your first reaction?

  • “Did I do something wrong?”
  • “Do they hate me now?”
  • “Why are people always so rude to me?”

Sound familiar?

This spiral is what happens when your brain takes the raw data (they didn’t say hello) and starts filling in the blanks with your own emotional baggage. Carl Jung call this projection and pointed out that much of what we see in the world is affected by this phenomenon: “Perception is projection” – your tendency to see your own fears, insecurities, or assumptions reflected in the world around you.

Here’s the truth: most of the time, their behaviour has nothing to do with you but your INTERPRETATION of it is affected by whatever is going on inside you (when you get SQUEEZED, the JUICE that comes out shows you what’s what about your inner world).

Maybe they were distracted, having a bad day, or didn’t even see you but, instead of considering these neutral explanations, we tend to reach for interpretations that reinforce our own insecurities. Why? Because it’s easier for the brain to assume the worst than to sit with uncertainty and ride through it and TRUST life to be real.

The Problem with Projections

Projection isn’t just inaccurate – it’s exhausting and eats into your ENERGY.

Here’s why:

  1. It activates your “stuff.” When you assume someone’s behaviour is a personal slight, it taps into old wounds, insecurities, and fears. Instead of responding to reality, you’re reacting to your own emotional baggage and the need of the EGO to avoid underlying shame, guilt, and/or trauma and keep the SHADOW SELF at bay.
  2. It creates unnecessary drama. By assuming the worst, you start treating the situation as though your story is true. This can lead to awkwardness, conflict, or even sabotaging relationships – you don’t ‘see’ what’s actually there but an extension and reflection of your F.E.A.R about yourself.
  3. It wastes your energy. Every second spent ruminating over “why they did what they did” is a second you could’ve used to build something meaningful – your vision, your goals, your habits, and your REALNESS.

The REALNESS Response: Fill in the Blanks Wisely

Here’s the deal: when you don’t know why someone acted a certain way and you can’t find out (or don’t want to ask), you have two choices.

  1. Default to a destructive projection (“They ignored me because I’m unworthy.”)
  2. Consciously fill in the blanks with something that serves you.

The second option is an approach that’s more REAL – it’s not about being delusional or ignoring reality but about recognising that uncertainty is an invitation to choose your beliefs wisely (because all beliefs are CHOSEN anyway and the TRUTH is beyond belief).

The Three-Step Process to Fill in the Blanks

  1. Pause and recognise the gap.
    When you catch yourself making assumptions, take a step back. Ask yourself, “Do I actually know why they acted this way, or am I guessing?” If the answer is “I don’t know”, congratulations – you’ve identified the gap.
  2. Choose a belief that serves you.
    If you can’t know the truth, why not choose a story that empowers you? For example:

    • “Maybe they’re ignoring me because they’re shy, not because I’m unworthy.”

    • “Maybe they’re being rude because they had a bad day, not because I’ve done something wrong.”“

    • Maybe they didn’t respond to my text because they’re busy, not because they hate me.”

    These beliefs don’t have to be the truth (because you don’t know the truth) – they just have to keep you moving forward without dragging you down so you can get out of your head and back into the PROCESS of living your actual, real life.
  3. Act in alignment with your REALNESS.
    Once you’ve chosen a belief that serves you, act in alignment with your REAL VISION for your life. If you assume the best, you’ll naturally respond with kindness, confidence, or neutrality – behaviours that align with wholeness and growth and allow you to keep being spontaneous and moving instead of holding back and hesitating because of some mental block.

What If You’re “Delusional”?

Some people might say, “Isn’t this just being a little delulu (delusional)?”

And the answer is: not if you’re staying grounded in reality to the greatest extent possible (which, of course, means being honest with yourself).

The key is to balance optimism with REALNESS – don’t invent stories that completely detach you from reality (“They didn’t say hello because they’re secretly a spy avoiding detection!”).

Instead, choose explanations that are plausible and empowering (and remember that the idea is to just fill in the blank so your brain can stop scratching for answers and you can MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE).

Here’s an example:

  • Delusional belief: “They ignored me because they’re an incognito spy working for the government.”
  • Realistic and empowering belief: “Maybe they were distracted but their behaviour doesn’t define my worth so whatever.”

The point isn’t to sugarcoat reality or live in a fantasy world surrounded by magical unicorns – it’s to avoid unnecessary suffering by choosing beliefs that help you grow, rather than keeping you stuck.

Their Behaviour Speaks About Them—Not You

One of the most liberating truths you can embrace is this: other people’s behaviour is a reflection of them, not you.

  • Someone being rude? That’s about their mood, their struggles, or their patterns – not your worth.
  • Someone ignoring you? That’s about their priorities, distractions, or personality – not your value.

When you stop taking everything personally, you free yourself to live authentically – your energy shifts from obsessing over “why they did what they did” to focusing on your own growth and goals.

What you focus on grows and so redirecting your brain to where it can actually make a difference (instead of those unanswerable questions) can be the biggest gamechanger of all.

Practical Exercises to Stay Real

  1. The “Pause and Reframe” Exercise
    Next time someone acts in a way you don’t understand, pause before reacting. Ask yourself:
    • “Do I actually know why they did that?”“Is there another explanation that’s more empowering?”
    Reframe the situation with a belief that serves you, then act on it and keep moving.
  2. The Gratitude Flip
    When faced with uncertainty, practise gratitude for the opportunity to grow. For example:
    • “I’m grateful for the chance to practise not taking things personally”
    • “I’m grateful for the opportunity to choose my beliefs consciously”

      Basically: everything that happens – even the ‘bad’ stuff or the ‘difficult’ people we encounter are a LESSON in being more real in ourselves.
  3. Do a THOUGHT LOG to stay real.
    There’s a free tool you can download on this site that helps you to TRAIN YOURSELF to catch you unreal thoughts and pivot into focusing on the REAL ‘stuff’ instead. Do this daily for at least thirty days and you’ll get much better at filling in those blanks with something that actually serves you.

    Enter your email and I’ll email it to you right away:

The Bottom Line: Stay Real, Stay Free

Most of the things you don’t know don’t matter and you can get closure by accepting this- what does matter is how you choose to interpret the world when the answers aren’t clear.

When you stop projecting your fears and insecurities onto others, you free yourself to live in alignment with your REALNESS and – when you consciously fill in the blanks with beliefs that serve you – you turn uncertainty into an opportunity for growth.

Next time someone ignores you, acts rudely, or leaves you wondering what’s going on, take a breath.

Remember: their behaviour speaks about them, but your beliefs speak about you. Choose beliefs that keep you moving towards wholeness and don’t let anything unreal or unknown stop you in your tracks.

Stay real out there,

Solution-Focused Living for REALNESS: Switching Focus from Problems to Solutions

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Stop Complaining, Start Solving: Embracing a Solution-Focused Life

As somebody once said, “Life is one damn thing after another” – if you’re here on Planet Earth living a human life then problems are inevitable.

Life – in all its messy, unpredictable glory – serves up a seemingly endless buffet of challenges for everyone and they just keep coming:

You might feel like you’re carrying the heaviest burden, but the truth is, if your problems disappeared tomorrow, others would surely take their place. There’s no escape. This is the human condition.

The question, then, isn’t whether you’ll encounter problems – it’s how you’ll choose to face them. Are you gonna be REAL or UNREAL?

If you’re feeling stuck in the swamp of complaints, regrets, and self-pity, it’s time to step back, reframe your perspective, and adopt a solution-focused worldview.

In this article, we’ll explore why problems are universal, how rumination keeps you trapped in ego, and why focusing on solutions is the only way out and back to reality.

Everyone Has Problems – You’re Not Special

Let’s start with a hard truth: your problems aren’t unique.

Sure, the specifics might differ, but every human being on this planet has their own struggles, disappointments, and battles. Life isn’t a Hollywood movie where everyone else is living happily-ever-after while the universe conspires against you. It just feels that way when you’re stuck in a cycle of self-pity because of ego and a F.E.A.R (“False evidence appearing real”) of leaving the comfort zone.

These days, we often wear our problems like badges of honour – as if they set us apart from others or make us more interesting somehow. But constantly airing your grievances, wallowing in how ‘unfair’ life is, or playing the victim doesn’t make you special. It just makes you insufferable.

Here’s the truth: the universe didn’t single you out and poop on your breakfast trolley. There’s just poop everywhere. Everyone is navigating the messiness of life, whether they talk about it or not (and some definitely talk about it more than others).

Instead of using your struggles to justify self-pity or demand sympathy, try using them as a bridge for empathy. Everyone you meet is carrying their own invisible load, whether they show it or not. Understanding this can make you more compassionate – and less tempted to bore people with endless complaints.

More than that, it allows you to start shifting away from your problems instead of just focusing on them and allowing them to grow bigger and bigger (what we focus on grows so if we become obsessed with our problems, they just grow – this is why it’s better to focus on the solution and what we actually WANT).

The Trap of Emotional Attachment to Problems

Emotions are a natural and essential part of being human. Over the course of your life, you’ll experience everything from euphoric highs to crushing lows, and that’s perfectly normal. But here’s the problem: when you identify with your struggles – when you let them define you – they become much harder to overcome because you become ENMESHED with your emotions instead of letting them pass (and emotions are e-motion, energy in motion – they will pass if you let them).

Think about it:

How often do you find yourself stuck in a mental loop of “Why me?”, “How could this happen?”, or “What if things had gone differently?”

These questions might feel productive in the moment – because we often trick ourselves into thinking that worrying about something is the same as doing something about it – but they’re really just emotional quicksand. They keep you stuck in the past, blind to the opportunities of the present, and paralysed about the future.

The more you fixate on your problems, the heavier they become, and the more likely they are to linger; your mental baggage weighs you down, leaving you too encumbered to take meaningful steps forward. Life is precious, and every second spent dwelling on something unchangeable is a second wasted because worrying doesn’t change a single thing.

Why a Solution-Focused Worldview Works

Here’s where the shift happens: instead of focusing on the problem, focus on the solution.

A solution-focused worldview is about acknowledging that problems are a natural part of life, and then breaking them down into manageable pieces. It’s not about denying your emotions or brushing your struggles under the rug – it’s about facing them, processing them, and refusing to let them define you (and, really, they can only define you if you RESIST because – as Carl Jung said – what you resist persists).

Step 1: Accept the Reality of Problems

The first step is to accept that life is inherently messy – problems will arise, no matter how well you plan or how carefully you tread. Instead of railing against this reality, embrace it. Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity – it means making peace with the fact that problems are part of the deal so you can stay ACTIVE.

Step 2: Separate What You Can Control from What You Can’t

Not all problems are created equal. Some are within your influence; others aren’t. The trick is learning to differentiate between the two. Worrying about things you can’t control is like trying to row a boat with a sieve – it’s exhausting and pointless.

Instead, focus your energy on the aspects of your problems that are within your control. Break them down into smaller, actionable steps – a daunting challenge becomes far less intimidating when it’s divided into manageable pieces.

Step 3: Embrace and Process Your Emotions, But Don’t Stop There

Your feelings are valid, but they’re not the whole story. Acknowledge the emotions that come with your struggles – grief, anger, frustration – but don’t let them have the final word. Feel them, process them, and then move forward by transmuting the energy into the solution.

Step 4: Take Action

Here’s the most important part: do something. Action is the only cure for anything. You can’t think your way out of a problem – you have to act your way out. Even small, imperfect steps can lead to progress, and even the ‘wrong’ action will eventually teach you something (even if it’s just a better strategy) because action is always connected to reality beyond the ideas in our heads.

Progress, Not Perfection

It’s tempting to wait for the ‘perfect’ moment, the ‘perfect’ plan, or the ‘perfect’ circumstances to address your problems but perfection is an illusion and waiting for it will only keep you stuck.

Progress doesn’t happen all at once – it happens incrementally, one step at a time so keep taking the steps.

Think of it like climbing a mountain:

You don’t get to the summit in a single leap – you take one step, then another, then another. Some steps are harder than others; some might feel like setbacks. But as long as you keep moving, you’re making progress.

When you focus on your problems, you become too overwhelmed to take even the next small step; when you focus on the solution, you eventually find a way up the mountain.

Life Is Unfair – Be Fair Anyway

Life isn’t ‘fair’ (though this applies to all of us which is equal, at least).

It never has been, and it never will be. Some people start with more advantages, others face greater challenges and we all have our own FATE (the cards we’ve been dealt) to contend with. But fairness isn’t the point – how you respond to life’s unfairness is what matters so you can find your DESTINY (the choices you make about the cards you’ve been dealt).

When you’re dealing with your own struggles, it’s easy to forget that everyone else is fighting their own battles too – but they are. Some people suffer in silence; others wear their pain on their sleeves but no one is immune to hardship because life is hard for all of us at one time or another.

The best thing you can do is to be fair – to yourself and to others. Don’t let your struggles harden you as you cling more and more to the EGO. Let them soften you and make you REAL. Let them make you more empathetic, more understanding, and more determined to find solutions so you can keep building flow.

The Takeaway: Problems Are Inevitable, Solutions are a RAL Choice

Problems are a given. They’re part of the human experience.

How you respond to them is entirely up to you.

You can choose to complain, wallow, and let your struggles define you or you can choose to embrace a solution-focused worldview – accepting your problems, processing your emotions, and taking REAL action to move forward.

The universe didn’t single you out. There’s poop everywhere. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck in the mess. Start solving. Start moving. And start living.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number sixteen in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

The Truth About Flow & REAL VISION: Are You in the ‘Flow’ or in Your Comfort Zone?

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Stop Hiding in Your Comfort Zone and Start Living Your REAL LIFE

Life is full of paradoxes and one of the trickiest is the idea of being “in the flow”.

For many of us, this concept has become a sort of golden ticket – a way to justify staying comfortable, avoiding risk, and refusing to face the challenges that come with REAL growth.

The truth is a bit more, nuanced though:

More often than not, what we call “flow” is just a convenient cover for F.E.A.R (“False evidence appearing real”) and stagnation.

If you feel stuck and want to start changing your life, it’s time to take a hard look at what flow really means:

It’s not about aimlessly floating through life, waiting for things to just ‘happen’ – it’s about stepping up, taking responsibility, and learning to respond to reality as it unfolds. Real flow is active, not passive, about being a CAUSE in your life instead of just an EFFECT; it requires direction, action, and the courage to adapt when things don’t go as planned.

In this article, we’ll break down the illusions that keep people stuck, explore what flow actually is, and show you how to use it to transform your life.

Comfort Zones Disguised as Flow

Many of us like to think we’re in the flow when, in reality, we’re just stuck in our comfort zones and the outdated identies of EGO. This is an uncomfortable truth, but it’s one we need to face if we want to grow REAL.

The comfort zone is a seductive place:

It’s safe, predictable, and free of the discomfort that comes with failure or uncertainty. The bottom line is that othing grows in the comfort zone – we are designed for a little healthy stress and tension and so avoiding it by staying comfortable just holds us back and hinders us.

Basically, the comfort zone is a stagnant pool, not a flowing river and – while it might feel nice to stay there – it’s ultimately a slow form of self-sabotage that eventually brings friction, frustration, and misery.

To make matters worse, the Ego often dresses up our avoidance and fear of change and growth with fancy language.

We tell ourselves things like:

  • “I’m just leaning into my divine feminine right now.”
  • “I’m working on being more open-minded.”
  • “I need to let go of left-brain logic and embrace my creative, right-brain side.”

These concepts aren’t inherently bad – there’s always value in balance, openness, and creativity but, more often than not, we use them as excuses to avoid taking action. They become rationalisations for staying comfortable and avoiding the hard work of facing reality.

Here’s a simple litmus test: if you’re not stepping out of your comfort zone and moving towards something meaningful, you might feel ‘safe’ and like everything is under your control but you’re not in the flow.

You’re just stuck.

What Flow Really Means

So, what does it actually mean to be in the flow?

The truth is that flow isn’t about drifting aimlessly or passively “going with the flow” without having any choice in the matter or making decisions about where you’re flowing to.

Real flow is dynamic, purposeful, and responsive.

At its core, it requires two things:

  1. A REAL Vision – You need a direction to flow in (otherwise you’re being so open-minded your brain will fall out). Without a vision, you’re like a boat without a rudder – tossed around by the currents, but never making meaningful progress and just being an EFFECT of life, not a CAUSE.

    Your vision doesn’t have to be perfect, but it needs to give you a sense of where you’re headed and it needs to reflect your real VALUES and INTENTIONS more than it reflects ego or some external idea of what you ‘should’ be doing with yourself.
  2. Responsiveness – Flow isn’t rigid (to state the obvious). It’s about being open to the feedback that reality gives you as you move towards your vision. Sometimes, reality will show you a better way to get there. When that happens, you have to be willing to adapt and change course. Sometimes, you’ll learn that you need to do something completely new or different. When that happens, you have to be willing to take the lesson and growing more REAL instead of clinging to ego.

Think of flow like a river: the water has a destination – the ocean – but its path is anything but straight. It twists and turns, responding to obstacles and carving out new paths when necessary. That’s what real flow looks like and the attitude we need to bring to our lives if we want to flow in a real way.

Why Fear Keeps You Stuck

One of the biggest barriers to finding real flow is fear:

Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of uncertainty. These fears are natural, but they often manifest as resistance instead of acceptance and – instead of facing that resistance head-on – we rationalise it.

For example:

  • “I’m not starting that business because I need to wait for the right moment.”
  • “I’m not approaching that person I’m interested in because I’m focusing on myself right now.”
  • “I’m not pursuing my vision because I don’t have it all figured out yet.”

These excuses feel comforting in the moment, but they’re just fear dressed up in logical-sounding language that keeps us in our comfort zone and in the Ego/identity that this comfort zone was built for.

Remember: F.E.A.R often stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

When you break it down, most of the things you’re afraid of aren’t as catastrophic as they seem. Failure isn’t the end of the world – it’s a lesson. Rejection isn’t fatal – it’s a redirection. Uncertainty isn’t a reason to stop – it’s an opportunity to grow in TRUST and acceptance.

The only way to overcome fear is to face it and the only way to face it is to take action. I see this all the time with my coaching clients – they take REAL action and their UNREAL fear dissolves (and all the stories and beliefs that were rooted in it). It’s amazing to see and another reminder that REAL ALWAYS WORKS.

The Danger of “Going with the Flow” Without a Vision

Let’s quickly talk about the phrase “go with the flow” – it’s a popular saying, but it’s often misunderstood.

If you “go with the flow” without a clear vision, you’ll end up drifting aimlessly; you’ll be carried along by the currents of life, going wherever they take you. This might feel easy in the short term, but it’s a recipe for dissatisfaction in the long run because to truly feel REAL and alive we need to play an ACTIVE role in our lives.

On the flip side, if you resist the flow – clinging to rigid plans or refusing to adapt – you’ll end up frustrated and exhausted because you’ll be fighting a battle that it’s impossible to win.

The key is to STAY REAL by striking a balance:

Have a vision, but remain flexible. Take action, but stay open to feedback. Flow isn’t about control or passivity – it’s about responsiveness and being PRESENT in the process of life as it happens.

How to Use Flow to Change Your Life

If you’re ready to stop hiding in your comfort zone and start creating real change, here’s how to use flow as a tool for real growth:

1. Get Clear on Your Vision

What do you want? This is the first question you need to answer. Your vision doesn’t have to be perfect or grandiose, but it needs to give you a sense of direction.

Think about the areas of your life where you feel stuck. What would progress look like? What’s one step you can take to move closer to that vision?

2. Take Action

Flow requires movement. Once you have a vision, take action towards it – don’t wait for the perfect moment or for everything to feel “right.” Start where you are, with what you have and keep learning along the way.

Remember, action doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be consistent and you have to consistently learn from what it teaches you.

3. Face Failure with Courage

Failure isn’t a sign that you’re off-track – it’s a sign that you’re learning. Every setback is an opportunity to adapt and refine your approach so instead of fearing failure, embrace it as part of the process.

This is how you actually KEEP FLOWING – you shift your attitude from a focus on the goals or the destination and stay actively alive in the PROCESS by being present and real.

4. Stay Responsive

As you move towards your vision, reality will give you feedback. Sometimes, it will confirm that you’re on the right track. Other times, it will show you a better way. Be willing to adjust your course based on what you learn and to keep responding to what unfolds (instead of reacting which is always ego and old patterns).

5. Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Growth and comfort don’t coexist – like we said, we all need that healthy stress and tension that allows us to grow (just like our muscles grow against healthy resistance, so does the mind and soul).

If you want to change your life, you have to be willing to get uncomfortable – this might mean having difficult conversations, taking risks, or facing fears you’ve been avoiding. We can make this so much easier for ourselves by remembering that there’s a difference between emotional discomfort and actual danger…If it’s just emotional discomfort then we can GROW through it.

Flow and Growth: The Path to Realness

At the heart of this process is the idea of realness (check out my book Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness to go deeper):

Realness is about aligning with reality – at the levels of yourself, the world, and reality itself (in WHOLENESS). It’s about letting go of illusions, facing your fears, and taking responsibility for your life.

Flow is a tool that helps you navigate this journey – it’s not about drifting aimlessly or clinging rigidly to plans. It’s about finding the balance between direction and adaptability, between action and response, between dynamism and stillness.

When you embrace flow in this way, you’ll find that life starts to move in ways you never thought possible. You’ll grow stronger, more resilient, and more connected to the world around you as you become more REAL.

Conclusion: Use the Flow to Grow

If you’re feeling stuck, it’s time to stop hiding in your comfort zone and start moving.

Flow isn’t about staying safe or avoiding challenges – it’s about stepping into the unknown with courage and purposeful ACTION.

Remember: you can’t flow without a vision and you can’t grow without stepping out of your comfort zone. Use the flow to grow real by flowing in a real way.

Stay real out there,

Realness for Entrepreneurs, Artists, and Creators: Real Need vs Self-Interest

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Moving Beyond Ego to Create Real Value

This is one for the entrepreneurs, artists, and creators out there…

We’re often told that the key to a meaningful life is to “do what you love”. It sounds like pretty sage advice in many ways – after all, who wouldn’t want to build a career or lifestyle around their passions?

However, this romanticised notion often neglects a crucial reality: loving what you do doesn’t guarantee that others will find value in it.

If what you ‘love’ provides no solution to a real need in the world, your efforts may amount to little more than self-gratification and a mere extension of the EGO rather than anything REAL.

The short-version is focusing solely on personal passion without considering its relevance to others is ego-driven, and in the long run, it leads to stagnation and the creation of ‘meaningless’ work.

This article explores why aligning your passions with real needs, rather than ego-fuelled self-interest, is the key to creating meaningful impact and finding fulfilment in both personal and professional pursuits. When you understand this ‘stuff’ it can help you to do what you do better and to reach more people in the process.

It all comes down to the timeless mantra (on this website and in my books anyway): REAL ALWAYS WORKS.

The Ego’s Trap: Why ‘Doing What You Love’ May Not Be Enough

The ego loves the idea of self-expression for the sake of itself. This is because it thrives on the applause, validation, and approval of others for its very existence.

Motivations like these, however, are often short-lived because they are rooted in the desire to reinforce our self-concept instead of an actual experience of who we really are in our REALNESS. When we pursue what we love purely for personal gratification, without considering whether it meets a real need in the world, we risk creating something that is ultimately self-serving and hollow. This is because we’re only looking at it through the lens of illusory independence and separation rather than the deeper level of INTERDEPENDENCE (i.e. everything is connected to everything else).

Take, for instance, the idea of starting a business or creative project purely with the motivation of showcasing your talents or express your (self-professed) ‘genius’:

You may find a small audience who appreciates your novelty, but if your product or service doesn’t address a real problem or fulfil a genuine desire, it’s unlikely to create lasting value. The sad truth is that most people don’t care about your self-expression as much as you do – unless it connects to their lives in some REAL way.

This doesn’t mean that your passions are irrelevant – it simply means that they must be refined, reshaped, and aligned with the needs of others if they are to have any real significance ‘out there’ in the world. If it comes from a REAL place in yourself and you can find a way to make it REAL to others, then, ultimately, you’ve found the sweetspot.

Needs vs Self-Interest: Understanding the Difference

There’s an important distinction between self-interest and need:

Self-interest is what your ego wants others to want or need.

It’s about imposing your vision onto the world in the hope that others will recognise your brilliance and applaud it. Real need, on the other hand, is about stepping outside yourself to ask: What do people truly need or desire, and how can I serve them based on what’s REAL about me?

This distinction is critical in all areas of life that involve human relationships (so most of them!):

Self-interest centres around you – your ambitions, your preferences, your identity. Real need centres around others – their struggles, their challenges, and their aspirations.

To create real value, you must shift your perspective from self to service.

From Self-Gratification to Service: How to Find the Intersection of Passion and Need

You don’t have to abandon your passions to meet real needs – instead, you need to find a way to refine them so they can become valuable to others. This process requires brutal honesty and a willingness to let go of your ego-driven attachments but it’s worth the time and effort.

Here’s how you can start:

1. Ask What You Can Offer

Instead of asking, “What do I want others to want from me?” ask, “What can I offer that solves a problem or fulfils a need?”

This subtle shift in mindset transforms your actions from self-serving to service-oriented.

For example, if you’re a painter, don’t just paint what you love and expect the world to care – instead, think about how your art can evoke emotions, tell stories, or address cultural or societal themes that resonate with others. How do you want your work to make people more REAL?

2. Experiment and Adapt

Finding where your passions align with real needs is not a one-time exercise; it’s an iterative process. Experiment with different modes of delivery, listen to feedback, and be willing to adapt.

For instance, if you’re a writer, try different formats – blogging, novels, social media posts, or essays – and see what resonates most with your audience. Pay attention to the needs and desires they express and refine your work accordingly. Learn to listen out for their problems and then talk about this in your work (and help to start solving them).

3. Talk to People

True value emerges from genuine connection…

Talk to people, ask questions, and seek to understand their pain points and aspirations. This is the only way to ensure that what you offer is rooted in reality rather than your ego’s assumptions about people based on your own needs and projections.

4. Look at Yourself Objectively

Brutal self-honesty is essential. Take a hard look at your motivations. Are you creating something to feed your ego, or are you genuinely trying to make a difference (remembering the only true difference is helping people grow into a more REAL version of themselves)? The ability to distinguish between these two drivers is a hallmark of realness in whatever work you do.

The Paradox of Value: Giving Up to Gain

It may seem counterintuitive, but the more you let go of your ego-driven desires, the more fulfilling and impactful your work becomes. Why? Because focusing on meeting real needs allows you to transcend the limitations of self-interest and tap into something far bigger.

By aligning your passions with the needs of others, you create a feedback loop of value. The more value you provide, the more appreciation and fulfilment you receive in return – not as a primary goal, but as a natural by-product of putting some realness out into an unreal world.

Take the example of a musician who loves experimental jazz:

While this niche may not have mass appeal, the musician could adapt their passion by teaching others about improvisation, creating relatable content, or collaborating with artists in other genres. In doing so, they find ways to meet needs while staying true to their passion.

The Ego’s Resistance to Realness

Letting go of self-interest is no easy feat. The ego thrives on clinging to a fixed identity, even when that identity no longer serves you or others. It resists change because change threatens its sense of control and causes the SHADOW SELF to start emerging (which threatens the very foundation that the ego rests upon).

Clinging to your ego always comes at a cost – it keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-gratification, disconnected from the world around you. True freedom comes from recognising this resistance and choosing to move beyond it.

Start by questioning the narratives your ego tells you:

  • “I have to stay true to my art, no matter what.”
  • “If people don’t appreciate my work, it’s their problem, not mine.”
  • “Success means being recognised for my brilliance.”

These narratives are often illusions that prevent you from evolving. Replace them with questions like:

  • “How can I make my art more meaningful and REAL to others?”
  • “What value can I provide that people genuinely need?”
  • “How can I grow and adapt to better serve the world?”

Freedom in the Gap Between Passion and Need

Freedom exists in the gap between pursuing your passions and meeting real needs of people you can serve in a REAL way; it’s about finding the sweet spot where your deepest values align with the desires and struggles of others. This balance is the essence of realness – a way of living and working that is both authentic and impactful.

Living in this gap requires constant self-awareness and adaptability. You must be willing to let go of the outdated and ‘static’ (seeming) self-concepts of ego and embrace the ever-changing realities of the world around you in your own REALNESS. It’s not about abandoning your passions but about refining and reshaping them to create something truly valuable and interdependent.

Conclusion: Real Need is the Path to Real Value

The journey from self-interest to real need is a journey from ego to realness. It’s a journey that requires brutal honesty, adaptability, and a commitment to serving others.

By shifting your focus from “What do I want?” to “What do others need?” you open the door to creating lasting value. You align your passions with purpose, transcend the limitations of self-gratification, and find fulfilment in the act of service.

In the end, the applause, appreciation, and approval you seek will come – not as the main goal in an attempt to fill the Void, but as the natural by-products of living in alignment with real need.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number fifteen in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Humility: The Path to Realness and Liberation

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Humility isn’t about feeling ‘bad’ but about facing truth to feel ‘good’.

Humility gets a bad rap….For many, it conjures images of self-deprecation, grovelling, or feeling “less than” in some way.

But REAL humility isn’t about feeling ‘bad’ or small – it’s about a healthy acceptance of your limits so you can feel ‘good’. It’s about recognising your place in the grand, interconnected web of existence and letting go of the pretences and false narratives that hold you back from living authentically and away from the Ego.

Humility, in this sense, isn’t just a virtue; it’s a necessity for REALNESS. And REALNESS, as you might know, is all about uncovering the truth and living in alignment with it – because reality always works and nothing else can or ever will.

A lot of the philosophies and religions that preach humility end up twisting it into a tool for shaming people into submission. This isn’t humility; it’s manipulation.

Let’s explore why humility is vital for liberation, why shame has no place in it, and how embracing humility can help you reconnect with your authentic self and the flow of life to GROW REAL.

What Humility Really Means

At its core, humility is about acceptance – accepting yourself, your life, and your limits without judgement (because judgement is the opposite of acceptance). It’s not about putting yourself down or pretending you’re less capable than you are – it’s about seeing yourself as you truly are (as much as that’s possible), without the resistance or distortions of ego-driven narratives like the victim mentality or the hero complex.

  • The Victim Mentality says, “I’m powerless. Life is happening to me, and I can’t do anything about it”.
  • The Hero Complex says, “I’m invincible. I can control everything and everyone around me”.

Both of these approaches to life are illusions caused by the EGO and both take you away from the truth.

Real humility is the middle ground: no more than human, no less. Just you, as you are – flawed, limited, and yet deeply connected to something much larger than yourself and capable of amazing and beautiful things.

When you embrace this perspective, you stop fighting reality; you let go of the constant need to prove yourself or protect yourself and in that letting go, you find freedom.

Humility and Wholeness

We’re not really living a real life if we’re not moving towards a deeper sense of WHOLENESS in some way – and humility is essential for wholeness. Whether you call it truth, liberation, God, or something else – this wholeness is the ultimate goal of any spiritual or personal growth journey.

Unfortunately, this is where many spiritual traditions get it things distorted and confused:

Instead of guiding people toward wholeness, they end up using humility as a way to impose shame. They say things like:

  • “You’re a sinner” (as though this is a final destination and there’s nothing you can do about it – even the word ‘sin’ etymologically just means to “miss the mark” and go off track…not to be fundamentally flawed).
  • “You’re unworthy” (as this is impossible as we’re all ‘worthy’ of something).
  • “You need to earn your place in the universe” (when we already have one and just need to ACCEPT it and build something with it).

This kind of messaging doesn’t liberate people or free them to experience their REALNESS; it enslaves them to the EGO and makes them become stuck and passive.

This is because shame creates fragmentation. It makes you feel like there’s something inherently ‘wrong’ with you, something you need to hide or fix before you can be whole. It causes you to become SPLIT within yourself and then to project this split outside yourself so the world becomes fragmented too.

The truth is is that the path to wholeness isn’t about adding or ‘fixing’ anything. It’s about letting go – of shame, of ego, of all the things that stop you from being humble and real so that you can integrate your Shadow and become whole again (and flow with the natural drive towards wholeness that’s unfolding in you at all times).

As paradoxical as it might sound, humility isn’t about making yourself smaller – it’s about dissolving the barriers that separate you from the truth of who you are so that you can accept life, see that you can’t control everything, and learn to surrender and accept that getting where you want to be is about working with life as a whole and learning to TRUST.

Humility Without Shame

So, how do you embrace humility without falling into the trap of shame? Here are a few key distinctions:

  1. Humility is acceptance, not judgment.
    Humility means accepting your limits, but it doesn’t mean judging yourself for having them. It’s recognising that being human comes with constraints – physical, mental, emotional – and that’s okay. You’re not supposed to be perfect, nor can you be all ‘good’ or all ‘bad’ – you’re just real.
  2. Humility is freedom, not submission.
    True humility doesn’t mean bowing down to others or giving up your power. It means freeing yourself from the need to constantly prove your worth, whether to yourself or anyone else. It’s also about embracing the FREEDOM that comes from accepting that life is BIGGER than ‘You’ and your ideas about yourself – when you embrace this you can let go and surrender to life and work with it, instead of against it.
  3. Humility is connection, not isolation.
    When you’re humble, you stop seeing yourself as separate from the world and life around you. You realise that you’re part of something much larger, and this realisation dissolves the barriers that shame and ego create. You let go of the illusions of separation and stasis and you can grow into who you were made to be as a whole.

The Ego vs Humility

One of the biggest obstacles to humility is the Ego because the ego is the opposite of reality (to quote my book Personal Revolutions). The Ego thrives on comparison, control, and separation. It wants to be either “better than” or “worse than” because both positions reinforce its sense of identity.

But humility doesn’t play the Ego’s game – it doesn’t put you above or below anyone else. It simply allows you to be REAL (which is beyond comparison but also not separate or isolated because in reality and wholeness everything is connected).

When you stop fighting to maintain the Ego’s illusions, something remarkable happens: you start to feel at peace with yourself, the world, and reality itself.

This is why humility is so vital for REALNESS:

REALNESS is about aligning with the truth, and you can’t do that if you’re stuck in the ego’s distorted narratives. You need to let go of the ego’s need to hide behind labels like ‘victim’ or ‘hero’ etc. and face reality as it is.

You can’t be humble and avoid reality because reality always humbles us by asking us to step away from ego (the main if not only source of problems).

Practical Steps to Cultivate Humility

If humility is the path to wholeness and liberation, how do we walk it?

Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate humility in your everyday life:

  1. Acknowledge Your Limits
    Take an honest look at your strengths and weaknesses. What are you good at? What are your blind spots? By recognising your limits, you free yourself from the pressure to be something you’re not (ego).
  2. Let Go of Comparison
    Stop measuring yourself against others. Whether you’re comparing your achievements, appearance, or anything else, comparison only feeds ego and creates unnecessary suffering.
  3. Practise Self-Acceptance
    Remind yourself daily: “I am enough as I am”. This doesn’t mean you stop striving for growth, but it does mean you stop attaching your worth to external outcomes or approval and helps you to stop being SHAME-DRIVEN and to get into being real instead.
  4. Be Present
    Humility thrives in the present moment. When you’re fully engaged with what’s happening right now, you’re less likely to get caught up in ego-driven narratives about the past, present, or future.
  5. Serve Others
    One of the best ways to dissolve the ego is to focus on helping others. Not from a place of martyrdom or superiority, but from a genuine desire to contribute to something beyond yourself. When you look for ways to serve others, you instantly take the focus off your ideas about yourself and can become connected to the world around you in a real way.

Humility in Action

To bring all of this to life, let’s imagine two people facing a challenging situation – say, a major career setback:

  • Person A is stuck in a victim mentality. They blame their boss, the economy, or bad luck. Their frame is, “This shouldn’t be happening to me” and they resist reality at every turn.
  • Person B approaches the same situation with humility. They acknowledge their limits (“I couldn’t control the company’s decision to downsize”) and take responsibility for what they can control (“What’s my next best step?”).

Person A stays stuck, while Person B grows. Why? Because humility allows them to align with reality and take constructive action.

Final Thoughts

Humility isn’t about feeling ‘bad’ or small. It’s about letting go of the Ego’s need to control or judge and embracing yourself – and life – as it truly is.

When you’re humble, you’re no longer trapped by shame or fear – you stop hiding behind illusions and start living in alignment with the truth and this is where real freedom lies.

Let go of the victim mentality. Let go of the hero complex. Let go of the dogmas that shame you into submission and find ACCEPTANCE instead. True humility isn’t about becoming less; it’s about becoming one – with yourself, with life, and with the flow of reality in wholeness.

Stay real out there.

Frame: Maintaining a Relationship with Reality

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Whose Frame Are You Living In?

Life gets a lot easier when you slow down and flow with your own FRAME.

This is a pretty simple idea, yet it holds profound implications for the way you can navigate relationships, society, and even your own sense of self.

When you start paying attention to your own ‘Frame’ – your unique interpretation of reality – you’ll realise how often you unconsciously surrender it to someone else, and how much this subtle surrender can shape our happiness, choices, and the results we get in life.

What Is a Frame?

In this context, a frame is your personal filter or interpretation of reality:

It’s the way you see and make sense of the world, shaped by your beliefs, experiences, and emotions. You can think of it as a kind of mental and emotional lens through which you interact with life.

What’s important to know is that frames aren’t fixed – they’re fluid and we often switch between one frame and another without even realising it. This is especially true when we’re interacting with others -partners, colleagues, society at large – whose frames might dominate or influence our own if we’re acting on autopilot and not paying attention.

The short-version of why this is important is that – when you lose control of your frame – you essentially hand over the reins of your emotional and mental reality to someone else. Their interpretation becomes your truth, and that’s where the trouble begins and your sense of self (EGO, in this case) gets enmeshed with the world around you.

This can just lead to you getting lost to the Void.

Unreality: The Trap of Living in Someone Else’s Frame

A lot of people are miserable and fail to get the results they want in life purely because they’ve given up control of their own frame. Why does this happen?

The answer often boils down to F.E.A.R – “false evidence appearing real.”

Unreal fear convinces us to accept interpretations of reality that don’t serve our growth or goals.

For instance:

  • In relationships, fear of conflict or rejection might lead you to adopt your partner’s perspective, even if it clashes with your core values.
  • In society, fear of standing out or being judged based on society’s ‘frame’ might cause you to conform to social norms that don’t align with your true self.
  • In work, fear of failure might push you to chase someone else’s idea of success, ignoring what truly fulfils you.

Over time, living in someone else’s frame can leave you feeling disconnected, drained, and stuck – you might achieve external success but feel hollow inside. Even worse, you might struggle to achieve anything at all because your decisions are rooted in a reality that isn’t even yours and so your thoughts and actions become more and more unreal.

Reality vs Interpretation

It’s crucial to remember: reality is always reality, but interpretations vary. Reality is what it is but how we interpret this is-ness is affected by our own inner experience of ourselves and what we’re willing to face about life – this creates interpretations that shape our frames.

For example, two people might face the same challenge, such as losing a job. One person’s frame might interpret this as a devastating failure, while the other sees it as an opportunity to start fresh. The reality of losing a job doesn’t change, but the interpretation determines the emotional response and subsequent actions.

The difference between our CHOICE for one frame or another comes down to our unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ (shame, guilt, and/or trauma, usually) and what’s going on inside ourselves. When we get squeezed, the juice often reveals what’s inside us…

Anyway, when we unconsciously adopt someone else’s frame, we start living in their interpretation of reality. This is a ‘problem’ and can lead to UNREALITY because their interpretation might not even align with truth – or with what’s best for us.

Reclaiming Your Frame

The way to undo this programming is simple but not always easy: slow down and pay attention to whose frame you’re in at a given moment.

Slowing down is essential because we often get caught up in the rush of life, reacting to external pressures without pausing to reflect – this creates the perfect environment for other people’s frames to dominate.

Slowing down allows you to:

  1. Check in with yourself: Are your current thoughts, emotions, and decisions aligned with your truth, or are they influenced by someone else’s interpretation and ideas about how something ‘should’ be?
  2. Cultivate awareness: Notice when you’re slipping into someone else’s frame – this might happen in subtle ways, like agreeing to something you don’t really want or suppressing your feelings to avoid conflict.
  3. Re-centre your frame: Remind yourself of your own goals, values, and reality. Ask, “Does this serve my growth and in a REAL way?”

Frames in Relationships

In intimate relationships, frames become even more dynamic:

When there’s true presence and connection, the boundaries between frames dissolve, creating a shared frame of mutual understanding and wholeness (in other words: more presence, less frame).

These moments of intimacy are powerful but outside of these moments of deep connection, maintaining your own frame is essential for your sanity and individuality. Even in the healthiest relationships, there will be times when your partner’s frame clashes with yours. Without awareness, it’s easy to unconsciously get sucked into their interpretation of reality and to lose your own rootedness.

For relationships to function well, there needs to be mutual respect – a collective or tribal frame where both individuals maintain their authenticity while finding common ground. This respect ensures that neither person dominates the other’s reality, allowing the relationship to thrive as a partnership rather than a power struggle. You can only get to this point by KNOWING and having CONFIDENCE in your own frame so that it doesn’t get shaken without your permission.

Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Frame and Get REAL

If you find yourself living in someone else’s frame more often than you’d like, here are some practical steps to reclaim your own:

  1. Slow Down: Build moments of stillness into your day – whether it’s through meditation, journaling, or simply taking a walk without distractions. Slowing down creates space for reflection and recalibration and allows you to get back in touch with your own real core (so your frame can be ROOTED in something real and not something external).
  2. Ask Questions: When faced with a decision or conflict, ask yourself: “Is this really the truth, or am I acting based on someone else’s expectations or fears and their interpretation of things/frame?”
  3. Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your needs and values to others. This helps you stay anchored in your frame while fostering mutual respect. The easiest way to start setting boundaries is to say “NO” to anything unreal and “YES” to anything real.
  4. Practise Presence: Be fully present in your interactions. This doesn’t mean abandoning your frame but rather engaging with others without losing yourself by knowing where your frame ends and theirs begins.
  5. Reflect Regularly: Take time to review your day and notice moments where you might have slipped into someone else’s frame. Awareness is the first step to change. Keeping a journal (like my Flow Builder) can help with this for sure.

Flowing With Your Own Frame

Ultimately, life becomes easier and more fulfilling when you learn to flow with your own frame. This doesn’t mean rejecting other people’s perspectives altogether – it means being grounded enough in the truth to engage with others from a place of REALNESS rather than F.E.A.R (“false evidence appearing real”).

When you’re in your frame, you’re no longer at the mercy of external interpretations. You make decisions that align with your values and goals, leading to better results and deeper satisfaction. And because you’re not projecting your fears onto others, your relationships improve too – creating space for genuine connection and mutual growth.

Final Thoughts

Reality is always reality and it always works. The facts don’t change, but the frames we adopt can make life much harder – or much easier – than it needs to be.

By slowing down and reclaiming your frame, you take back control of your emotions, your choices, and your life.

So, whose frame are you living in? And is it time to flow back into your own?

Stay real out there,

Building Flow: Finding Realness in Wholeness

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All Paths Lead to the Same Place: THE FLOW of WHOLENESS

Everybody is in their own flow, but it’s all flowing toward the same truth: wholeness.

This is a deceptively simple idea that captures the essence of what all effective helping and healing professions ultimately aim to achieve:

Whether through therapy, coaching, ‘spiritual’ guidance, or whatever else, the journey always leads back to a state of flow – a natural alignment with reality, where wholeness becomes both the destination and the path.

What is Flow?

Flow is often described as a state of effortless action – think of an artist immersed in their craft or an athlete performing at their peak; these are moments where action feels seamless, intuitive, and deeply satisfying.

But REAL flow is more than a temporary state of heightened productivity – it’s the process of aligning with reality. It’s a way of moving with life rather than against it, surrendering to what is rather than resisting or forcing what isn’t.

In my life and coaching philosophy of Realness, flow represents a state of living in truth; realness is about stripping away the layers of distortion and resitsance – false beliefs, learned patterns, and ego-driven narratives – that keep us in a shame-fuelled state of fragmentation and a false need to FORCE life (so we can keep hiding from ourselves and avoid the Shadow Self).

When we let go of these barriers, we reconnect with a deeper sense of self – our REALNESS – that is whole and unified. This process of uncovering and integrating our truth is what it means to build flow.

Building Flow: A Universal Path

Flow isn’t something that just happens to us; it’s something we build by learning to overcome the patterns and habitual ways of thinking, being, and doing that keep us from it… At frist this takes a little effort but – as we integrate and LET GO – it becomes effortless and REAL.

Ultimately, building flow requires Awareness, Acceptance, and Action—the three pillars of Realness and the main stages of transformation that I walk my coaching clients through (though it’s not a linear process – more of a spiral that we can go deeper and deeper into).

These stages guide us from a place of fragmentation to a state of wholeness:

  1. Awareness: Recognising the obstacles to flow within ourselves. These can be emotional blockages, mental distortions, physical resistance, or anything else UNREAL that we need to let go of.
  2. Acceptance: Embracing what we find without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means acknowledging reality as it is so we can work with it rather than against it. Only then can we BUILD in an effective way.
  3. Action: Taking intentional steps to align with reality. This might involve healing practices, lifestyle changes, or simply letting go of control and trusting the process as we move towards our VISION.

As we build flow, we begin to experience life differently:

Challenges feel less like insurmountable obstacles and more like opportunities for growth, relationships become more authentic as we drop our projections and meet others in their own flow; most importantly, we start to feel a deeper connection to ourselves, others, and the world around us as we get into reality and out of our heads.

Guiding Others Into Flow

One of the most beautiful aspects of being in flow is that it naturally inspires others to find their own flow too:

When we’re aligned with reality, we stop forcing and start flowing and this shift in energy has a profound effect on the people around us. Instead of projecting our fears, insecurities, or expectations onto others, we create space for them to explore their own truth.

In my coaching practice, I’ve seen this time and again:

Clients who initially struggle with resistance – whether it’s resistance to their emotions, their circumstances, or themselves – begin to become more open as they build flow. This is never something I can force upon them; all I can do is guide them toward the conditions that allow flow to emerge (by asking the ‘right’ questions or helping them to accept things that are emerging from the Shadow Territory etc.).

Whe this happens, it’s kinda like watching a river break free from a dam. Their momentum builds, and suddenly they’re not just surviving – they’re thriving. They’re no longer UNREAL (stuck in ego) but REAL (taking action and flowing as their authentic selves).

What I love about this process (from a totally selfish point of view) is that it continually reinforces my own flow. Witnessing others reconnect with their wholeness reminds me of the interconnected nature of life. It’s a humbling and deeply fulfilling experience that underscores a simple truth that I try to live by these days:

I’m in wholeness, and wholeness is in me.

The Science of Flow and Wholeness

Flow isn’t just an airy-fairy ‘philosophical’ concept; it’s backed by science.

Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who coined the term “flow state,” found that people in flow experience heightened focus, creativity, and satisfaction. Neurologically, flow is associated with a state of transient hypofrontality, where the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self-criticism and overthinking and many other fragmented ‘ego’ type ways of engaging with life) quiets down.

This allows us to get out of our own way and to actually experience the reality of PRESENCE.

Similarly, the concept of wholeness aligns with what researchers in psychology and neuroscience describe as integration:

When different parts of the brain and body are working harmoniously, we experience greater well-being and resilience. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and somatic exercises are all ways to foster this integration and build flow because they ensure that our conscious and unconscious mind are pointing in the same direction instead of tearing us apart into deeper fragmentation and the Void.

Lessons From Nature

Nature offers countless examples of flow in action and shows us just how REAL it is:

Rivers don’t force their way to the ocean; they follow the path of least resistance. Trees grow in harmony with their environment, adapting to sunlight, water, and soil conditions. Even animals instinctively move in flow with the rhythms of nature, responding to seasonal changes and ecological dynamics.

As humans, we often lose this connection to natural flow – our minds get caught up in shoulds and shouldn’ts, fears and fantasies. But the more we align with reality – the way things truly are – and accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS the more we reconnect with the flow that underpins all of life.

Practical Steps to Build Flow

So that all sounds very nice but how do we make it practical?

Well, if you’re feeling ‘stuck’ or like you’re ready for your next level, then here are a few tangible ways to start building flow in your life:

  1. Slow Down: Take time to pause and notice what’s happening within and around you. Stillness creates space for awareness and slows down your mind and nervous system. This allows you to actually be present instead of just reacting to your own physiology etc.
  2. Let Go of Control: Practice surrendering to situations instead of forcing outcomes. Trust that life will unfold as it needs to. Most of life is beyond our control and so most attempts to control the uncontrollable are just the EGO trying to keep it’s hold over us (which is the main problem as it causes fragmentation and keeps us from wholeness…where the flow is).
  3. Tune Into Your Body: Use breathwork, yoga, or other somatic practices to release physical tension and reconnect with your body’s natural rhythms. If you’re new to this kind of thing then I really recommend YIN YOGA – this is a very slow and meditative form of yoga that’s designed to help your body release and integrate whatever it needs to work on.
  4. Embrace Discomfort: Growth often requires stepping outside your comfort zone. Learn to view challenges as opportunities to deepen your flow. Look for ways to STRETCH yourself daily – whether it’s more intensity with your workouts, a slightly bigger goal for yourself, or doing something new that will encourage you to let go of old patterns and develop new ones.
  5. Surround Yourself With Realness: Seek out people, environments, and practices that support your alignment with truth. A famous mantra that I often use for myself (from my book Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World) is “Gimme something REAL or GTFO” – learn to discern the real from unreal and to continuously shift into making choices for wholeness (REAL) over fragmentation (unreal).

Flow as a Collective Journey

Ultimately, everyone is in their own flow, but all flows lead to the same truth: wholeness.

This is what unites us, even in our differences – by building flow within ourselves, we contribute to a larger collective flow – a movement toward greater REALNESS, connection, and harmony.

Keep doing two things and you’ll probably be all right:

  1. Uncover the truth
  2. Live the truth

Keep building your flow, and remember: “I’m in wholeness, and wholeness is in me” – it’s not just a mantra; it’s a way of living that transforms not only your life but the lives of everyone you flow with.

Stay real out there,

Your Primal Self: Human Order and Universal Order

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Learning to balance the real and unreal to find your primal self.

Human existence is a peculiar balancing act.

We live at the intersection of two overlapping realities: the Human Order, a world constructed of symbolism, culture, and social agreements, and the Universal Order, the raw, chaotic, and necessary laws of nature that underpin existence itself.

For most of us, navigating this gap between these two worlds is an unconscious struggle:

We wake up, scroll through our phones, go to work, pay our bills, interact with others, and move through life adhering to a complex web of cultural norms. Yet beneath the surface, our animal nature – the drives and instincts shaped by millions of years of evolution – is never far away.

This tension, the pull between NECESSITY and SYMBOLISM, is not just external. It lives within each of us. It shapes our thoughts, our behaviours, and the very fabric of our daily lives. To truly live authentically, we must understand and embrace this duality instead of suppressing it – only then can we TRANSCEND it and become REAL by embracing the PRIMAL SELF.

The Gap Between Two Orders and the Primal Self

The Human Order is a symbolic construct defined by our collective EGOS. It’s made up of the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, how we should behave, and what is valuable. These stories create culture, economics, politics, and all the systems we rely on to live in large, organised groups. While this order provides stability, structure, and opportunity, it often comes at the cost of disconnection – from nature, from others, and from ourselves.

The Universal Order, by contrast, is the domain of nature’s immutable laws. It is chaotic, unsympathetic, and untamed, operating without concern for human sentiment. It’s the raw world of survival, competition, and biological necessity, where creatures fight for resources and where the laws of nature reign supreme.

Our lives, therefore, are caught in the crossfire. We’re animals living in a human-made cage of symbols. And while this cage has allowed us to build skyscrapers, create art, and explore the stars, it can also alienate us from the deeper, primal truths of who we are.

The Inner Struggle: Necessity vs Symbolism

To complicate matters further, this conflict isn’t just societal – it’s deeply personal.

Within each of us, there’s an ongoing war between our natural impulses and the social contracts we’ve internalised.

Our bodies are still wired for survival in a primal world; we crave connection, food, sex, and movement; we’re built to respond to danger, to seek shelter, to protect our loved ones. But these instincts are constantly being shaped and suppressed by the Human Order: the expectations to sit still, behave politely, perform roles, and live within the confines of socially acceptable behaviour.

It’s no wonder, then, that so many people feel disconnected or in conflict with themselves. Our natural impulses are often at odds with the symbolic dictates of modern life and – when we suppress these impulses too rigidly or for too long – the result can be anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of being out-of-sync with reality.

Finding Happiness in the Tension

The key to navigating this tension lies not in choosing one order over the other, but in seeing ourselves as the bridge between the two. Happiness, or at least a deeper sense of fulfilment, begins when we stop fighting this duality and start integrating it.

It’s about embracing both the symbolic and the necessary parts of life. It’s about recognising that while we are cultural beings, we are also animals with biological needs and instincts. Finding this balance requires both awareness and acceptance so we can take REAL ACTION without being held back by obsolete biological wiring or social programming that has nothing to do with reality.

Accepting Your Inner Animal and Finding the Primal Self

A large part of this journey involves reconnecting with your primal self. This doesn’t mean abandoning modern life or reverting to some romanticised “noble savage” ideal. It means acknowledging your instincts, emotions, and desires as natural and valid parts of who you are.

For example:

  • If you feel anger or sadness, don’t suppress it because society tells you these emotions are “unattractive.” Instead, explore what these feelings are telling you and let them flow in a healthy, constructive way by channeling them into your REAL VISION.
  • If you feel the urge to move, to run, to shout, or even to howl at the moon if you’re feeling fancy (and it won’t harm anyone), why not? Allow yourself to feel alive.
  • If your body craves rest or nourishment, listen to it instead of overriding it with cultural ideals about productivity or diet fads.

By honouring your animal instincts, you reconnect with the Universal Order and create space for REALNESS to emerge.

Understanding the Symbolic Cage

At the same time, we must also understand and respect the Human Order. Culture, after all, is what allows us to coexist in communities. It’s what enables us to build relationships, share knowledge, and create meaning. The symbolic world is not inherently ‘bad’ – it’s just incomplete when taken alone or it effaces our realness.

The trick is to remain aware of the ways in which cultural norms and expectations influence your behaviour. Are you suppressing your true self because you’re afraid of what others might think? Are you conforming to societal standards at the expense of your own well-being?

Freedom lies in the ability to consciously navigate the symbolic world while staying true to your natural instincts. It’s about being aware of the stories you’re living by and choosing which ones to keep and which to let go.

If the stories are REAL, then your life will become real; if they’re unreal, your life will become unreal.

(This is why I always like to say “Gimme something real or GTFO”).

Freedom in the Gap

Real freedom exists in the gap between mastery of your biology and understanding your cultural programming. It’s not about swinging wildly from one extreme to the other, but about finding harmony between the two.

This doesn’t mean you should reject all social norms or abandon politeness – it simply means being honest with yourself about what you need to feel alive and fulfilled.

For instance:

  • You don’t have to stop using a knife and fork, but you can allow yourself to enjoy food with the enthusiasm of someone who truly savours it.
  • You don’t have to yell or cry in every moment of frustration, but you can give yourself permission to express your emotions honestly and without shame.

A large part of finding realness is about rejecting the hyper-neuroticism of modern life – the endless striving for perfection, control, and validation – and reconnecting with the truth of who you are: a human being who bleeds, breathes, loves, and sometimes breaks things.

Choosing Realness Over Fabrication

The ultimate goal is to live authentically, to integrate both the Human Order and the Universal Order into a cohesive whole. This means recognising the fabricated nature of many cultural constructs while still finding value in them. It also means embracing the messy, animalistic side of life without fear or shame.

This isn’t an easy path. It requires a willingness to look at yourself honestly and to question the stories you’ve been living by but the reward is a life that feels real – one where you’re not constantly at war with yourself or the world around you because you’ve overcome the ego and the world by extension.

Escape from Modern Neuroticism

Much of the anxiety and disconnection that characterises modern life stems from our failure to navigate this duality. We’ve become so enmeshed in the symbolic world that we’ve lost touch with the universal one. We prioritise productivity over presence, appearance over authenticity, and convenience over connection.

The way out is knowing that by recognising the tension between the Human Order and the Universal Order, and by consciously working to bridge that gap, we can free ourselves from the neurotic patterns that hold us back.

Conclusion: Embrace the Whole

There’s no shame in being connected to the animal world – we are creatures of the earth, shaped by millions of years of evolution.

But we are also beings of culture, capable of creating meaning and beauty…to deny either side of this duality is to live a fragmented life.

The way forward is to embrace both the necessary and the symbolic, the universal and the human. By doing so, we can find a sense of balance, authenticity, and freedom that transcends the limits of either order alone.

So, howl if you need to. Dance like no one’s watching. Live with your feet on the ground and your head in the clouds. And, most importantly, refuse to be afraid of who you are.

Realness lies in the integration of all that you are – not just the parts you’ve been told to show.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number fourteen in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Trust the Process: Focus on the Path towards Wholeness

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Focus on REALITY changes the game and changes your life.

We live in a world obsessed with OUTCOMES even though outcomes are something we have the least amount of control over.

The truth is, the only real process – he one that underpins everything in life – is the natural drive towards wholeness. This isn’t some abstract concept or spiritual fluff; it’s a profound principle that is constantly unfolding at all levels: within ourselves, in our relationship with the world, and in our connection with life itself – it’s the guiding thread that weaves through the human experience, whether we recognise it or not.

Despite this, so many of us struggle to align with this process. Why?

Because we resist it. We distort it. We get our EGO involved and lose FOCUS.

We do this because we lack trus – trust in ourselves, trust in the world, and trust in life itself. At the root of all this mistrust is the Ego in avoidance of the Shadow Self and an unreal need to cling to control, certainty, and comfort.

But here’s the liberating truth: when we let go of this resistance and tune into the process, life starts to flow again.

(Because, truth be told, it’s always flowing).

Wholeness: The Destination That’s Already Here

Let’s break it down. What do we mean by “wholeness”?

Wholeness is the state of being fully integrated, where all parts of ourselves – mind, body, emotions, and spirit – work in harmony and interdependence with life itself.

It’s the feeling of being at peace with who we are, where we are, and the journey we’re on…but it’s not just an internal phenomenon: Wholeness also plays out in how we relate to the world around us and how we engage with life’s larger rhythms.

This drive towards wholeness is natural. It’s always at work, like a river carving its way through the landscape. The only thing that blocks it is our own EGO RESISTANCE – our refusal to flow with life as it unfolds. And this resistance, more often than not, stems from fear, pride, and the Ego’s desperate need to control the uncontrollable so we can keep our Shadow Self at bay and keep up the illusions that we’ve been hypnotising ourselves with since childhood (usually).

The great irony of life (perhaps) is that wholeness isn’t something we have to achieve. It’s already within us, waiting to be uncovered. The process is about clearing away the layers of resistance, distortion, and mistrust so we can allow this natural state to emerge.

When we do this we can accept that WHAT’S REAL IS ALWAYS REAL and truly get into a state of unconditional self-acceptance.

The Way Into Real Life

So, how do we align with this process? How do we stop resisting and start flowing?

The answer is surprisingly simple, though not always easy: learn to keep your focus on the process.

When you stay locked into the process, distractions lose their power. The noise of your ego and the world fades into the background and you can slip into a relationship with REALITY.

In this (natural) state, the things that once seemed like insurmountable obstacles begin to dissolve. This isn’t about rigid discipline or forcing yourself to stay on track. It’s about cultivating a mindset that welcomes everything as part of the journey.

Welcoming Everything Like a Guest

One of the most powerful ways to align with the process is to adopt an attitude of radical acceptance. This means welcoming everything – yes, literally everything – that life throws your way as though it were a guest.

Whether it’s an emotion, a challenge, or a change, treat it as something that’s here to teach you, to move you closer to wholeness:

In Yourself

Start with your inner world. Thoughts and emotions will rise and fall like waves. Some will feel ‘good’, others ‘bad’, but – instead of labelling or resisting them – simply welcome them. Ride the reality waves without judgement.

For example, if fear arises, don’t push it away or pretend it’s not there. Instead, get curious. Ask yourself, “What is this fear trying to tell me? What can I learn from it?”

The same goes for joy, anger, sadness, or any other emotion. Each one is part of the process, guiding you towards a deeper understanding of yourself.

The more you learn to TRUST THE PROCESS like this, the more you’ll start to see that anything temporary is just a wave but the REAL you is the ocean itself. Let the waves pass and keep going deeper.

In the World

The same principle applies to the external world. Life is full of obstacles – delayed plans, difficult people, unexpected setbacks. But what if, instead of seeing these things as barriers, you treated them as invitations to grow?

Imagine every obstacle as a custom-designed lesson ‘sent’ to you by life itself. It’s not there to punish you; it’s there to teach you (and you can always learn to be more real or more accepting of reality).

Often, the greatest breakthroughs come from the most challenging situations. Wholeness is always on the other side because you can only unlearn the things that keep you from it (and you can only LET GO of something unreal).

So, the next time you encounter a roadblock, resist the urge to complain or give up. Instead, ask yourself, “What is this trying to show me? How can I use this to move forward?” – you’ll always find an answer (if you LET GO of any ego resistance).

In Life Itself

Finally, embrace the ever-changing nature of life. Nothing stays the same, and that’s a good thing. Change is what keeps the process alive, what keeps us growing and evolving as we move towards more and more wholeness.

Instead of resisting change or trying to control it, learn to move with it. This doesn’t mean passively accepting everything that happens, but rather engaging with life’s rhythms in a way that shows you more TRUTH about yourself.

For example, if a dream or goal you’ve been chasing suddenly feels out of reach, don’t see it as the end. See it as part of the process. Trust that life is leading you somewhere – even if you can’t see the destination yet.

If you choose to keep cultivating ACCEPTANCE then those reality waves will always bring you what you need as the process keeps doing its thing.

Vision and Goals: Tools, Not Traps

This brings us to an important point: the need to have a REAL VISION. In fact, it’s necessary. Setting goals gives us direction and helps us align our efforts. But here’s the catch: don’t get lost in the goal.

When we become overly fixated on the outcome, we lose sight of the process. We start measuring our worth by what we’ve achieved instead of how we’re growing. And ironically, this fixation can actually slow us down.

The better approach?

Set your vision, choose your goals, and then let them go.

In other words, once you’ve done the WORK to determine what your goals are, take your focus off of the goal itself and keep your focus on the PROCESS of moving towards it. This keeps you outcome-independent and allows you to stay REAL and enjoy the journey instead of being defined by it (which always leads to EGO).

Short version: Focus instead on process of moving towards your goals, more than the goal itself. Trust that if you stay aligned with the process, everything else will unfold as it’s meant to, because you’ll be PRESENT in life (where things happen) – not your ideas about it.

The Process Is Always the Way

Ultimately, the process is all we have. It’s where life happens. The destination is an illusion – a fleeting moment that quickly gives way to the next process.

When you focus on the process, you’re no longer at the mercy of external outcomes. You’re no longer chasing happiness, success, or fulfilment somewhere ‘out there’ – instead, you’re living it, moment by moment, as it unfolds. This is a much more REAL approach.

Here’s another beautiful part: when you stay present with the process, those external outcomes often take care of themselves. You grow into the person who’s ready to receive them, not because you forced it, but because you flowed with it.

You still have to do the WORK and take ACTION but you take your ego out of your action so you can act in a pure way (or as the Taoists say in their concept of wu-wei: you can act without acting).

Gratitude: The Glue That Holds It Together

Finally, to truly embrace the process, cultivate gratitude. Not the kind of gratitude that’s dependent on things going your way, but the kind that welcomes everything – even the hard stuff, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – as part of the journey.

Be grateful for the emotions that arise, even the uncomfortable ones, because they’re showing you where you need to grow. Be grateful for the obstacles, because they’re teaching you resilience. Be grateful for the changes, because they’re keeping you alive and engaged with life.

Gratitude doesn’t mean you have to enjoy every moment. It means recognising the value in every moment, even the ones that stretch you to your limits.

When you can get to this place, then you ACCEPT life no matter what which means that you truly LOVE it. This allows you to stop resisting and to just be in the process of moving, flowing, and growing in that real way.

Conclusion: Trust the Process

At its core, life is a process of moving towards wholeness. This process is always unfolding, whether we realise it or not – the only question is whether we choose to align with it or resist it.

When you stay focused on the process, you free yourself from the endless chase for external validation. You learn to trust yourself, the world, and reality itself. In doing so, you tap into a deeper flow – a sense of ease and alignment that makes even the hardest moments feel purposeful.

So, welcome everything like a guest. Stay curious, stay grateful, and most importantly, stay focused on the process. It’s always the way forward.

Stay real out there,

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