Solution-Focused Living for REALNESS: Switching Focus from Problems to Solutions

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Life Philosophy/Coaching/Mindset/Personal Revolutions/Psychology

Stop Complaining, Start Solving: Embracing a Solution-Focused Life

As somebody once said, “Life is one damn thing after another” – if you’re here on Planet Earth living a human life then problems are inevitable.

Life – in all its messy, unpredictable glory – serves up a seemingly endless buffet of challenges for everyone and they just keep coming:

You might feel like you’re carrying the heaviest burden, but the truth is, if your problems disappeared tomorrow, others would surely take their place. There’s no escape. This is the human condition.

The question, then, isn’t whether you’ll encounter problems – it’s how you’ll choose to face them. Are you gonna be REAL or UNREAL?

If you’re feeling stuck in the swamp of complaints, regrets, and self-pity, it’s time to step back, reframe your perspective, and adopt a solution-focused worldview.

In this article, we’ll explore why problems are universal, how rumination keeps you trapped in ego, and why focusing on solutions is the only way out and back to reality.

Everyone Has Problems – You’re Not Special

Let’s start with a hard truth: your problems aren’t unique.

Sure, the specifics might differ, but every human being on this planet has their own struggles, disappointments, and battles. Life isn’t a Hollywood movie where everyone else is living happily-ever-after while the universe conspires against you. It just feels that way when you’re stuck in a cycle of self-pity because of ego and a F.E.A.R (“False evidence appearing real”) of leaving the comfort zone.

These days, we often wear our problems like badges of honour – as if they set us apart from others or make us more interesting somehow. But constantly airing your grievances, wallowing in how ‘unfair’ life is, or playing the victim doesn’t make you special. It just makes you insufferable.

Here’s the truth: the universe didn’t single you out and poop on your breakfast trolley. There’s just poop everywhere. Everyone is navigating the messiness of life, whether they talk about it or not (and some definitely talk about it more than others).

Instead of using your struggles to justify self-pity or demand sympathy, try using them as a bridge for empathy. Everyone you meet is carrying their own invisible load, whether they show it or not. Understanding this can make you more compassionate – and less tempted to bore people with endless complaints.

More than that, it allows you to start shifting away from your problems instead of just focusing on them and allowing them to grow bigger and bigger (what we focus on grows so if we become obsessed with our problems, they just grow – this is why it’s better to focus on the solution and what we actually WANT).

The Trap of Emotional Attachment to Problems

Emotions are a natural and essential part of being human. Over the course of your life, you’ll experience everything from euphoric highs to crushing lows, and that’s perfectly normal. But here’s the problem: when you identify with your struggles – when you let them define you – they become much harder to overcome because you become ENMESHED with your emotions instead of letting them pass (and emotions are e-motion, energy in motion – they will pass if you let them).

Think about it:

How often do you find yourself stuck in a mental loop of “Why me?”, “How could this happen?”, or “What if things had gone differently?”

These questions might feel productive in the moment – because we often trick ourselves into thinking that worrying about something is the same as doing something about it – but they’re really just emotional quicksand. They keep you stuck in the past, blind to the opportunities of the present, and paralysed about the future.

The more you fixate on your problems, the heavier they become, and the more likely they are to linger; your mental baggage weighs you down, leaving you too encumbered to take meaningful steps forward. Life is precious, and every second spent dwelling on something unchangeable is a second wasted because worrying doesn’t change a single thing.

Why a Solution-Focused Worldview Works

Here’s where the shift happens: instead of focusing on the problem, focus on the solution.

A solution-focused worldview is about acknowledging that problems are a natural part of life, and then breaking them down into manageable pieces. It’s not about denying your emotions or brushing your struggles under the rug – it’s about facing them, processing them, and refusing to let them define you (and, really, they can only define you if you RESIST because – as Carl Jung said – what you resist persists).

Step 1: Accept the Reality of Problems

The first step is to accept that life is inherently messy – problems will arise, no matter how well you plan or how carefully you tread. Instead of railing against this reality, embrace it. Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity – it means making peace with the fact that problems are part of the deal so you can stay ACTIVE.

Step 2: Separate What You Can Control from What You Can’t

Not all problems are created equal. Some are within your influence; others aren’t. The trick is learning to differentiate between the two. Worrying about things you can’t control is like trying to row a boat with a sieve – it’s exhausting and pointless.

Instead, focus your energy on the aspects of your problems that are within your control. Break them down into smaller, actionable steps – a daunting challenge becomes far less intimidating when it’s divided into manageable pieces.

Step 3: Embrace and Process Your Emotions, But Don’t Stop There

Your feelings are valid, but they’re not the whole story. Acknowledge the emotions that come with your struggles – grief, anger, frustration – but don’t let them have the final word. Feel them, process them, and then move forward by transmuting the energy into the solution.

Step 4: Take Action

Here’s the most important part: do something. Action is the only cure for anything. You can’t think your way out of a problem – you have to act your way out. Even small, imperfect steps can lead to progress, and even the ‘wrong’ action will eventually teach you something (even if it’s just a better strategy) because action is always connected to reality beyond the ideas in our heads.

Progress, Not Perfection

It’s tempting to wait for the ‘perfect’ moment, the ‘perfect’ plan, or the ‘perfect’ circumstances to address your problems but perfection is an illusion and waiting for it will only keep you stuck.

Progress doesn’t happen all at once – it happens incrementally, one step at a time so keep taking the steps.

Think of it like climbing a mountain:

You don’t get to the summit in a single leap – you take one step, then another, then another. Some steps are harder than others; some might feel like setbacks. But as long as you keep moving, you’re making progress.

When you focus on your problems, you become too overwhelmed to take even the next small step; when you focus on the solution, you eventually find a way up the mountain.

Life Is Unfair – Be Fair Anyway

Life isn’t ‘fair’ (though this applies to all of us which is equal, at least).

It never has been, and it never will be. Some people start with more advantages, others face greater challenges and we all have our own FATE (the cards we’ve been dealt) to contend with. But fairness isn’t the point – how you respond to life’s unfairness is what matters so you can find your DESTINY (the choices you make about the cards you’ve been dealt).

When you’re dealing with your own struggles, it’s easy to forget that everyone else is fighting their own battles too – but they are. Some people suffer in silence; others wear their pain on their sleeves but no one is immune to hardship because life is hard for all of us at one time or another.

The best thing you can do is to be fair – to yourself and to others. Don’t let your struggles harden you as you cling more and more to the EGO. Let them soften you and make you REAL. Let them make you more empathetic, more understanding, and more determined to find solutions so you can keep building flow.

The Takeaway: Problems Are Inevitable, Solutions are a RAL Choice

Problems are a given. They’re part of the human experience.

How you respond to them is entirely up to you.

You can choose to complain, wallow, and let your struggles define you or you can choose to embrace a solution-focused worldview – accepting your problems, processing your emotions, and taking REAL action to move forward.

The universe didn’t single you out. There’s poop everywhere. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay stuck in the mess. Start solving. Start moving. And start living.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number sixteen in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

The Truth About Flow & REAL VISION: Are You in the ‘Flow’ or in Your Comfort Zone?

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Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Trust

Stop Hiding in Your Comfort Zone and Start Living Your REAL LIFE

Life is full of paradoxes and one of the trickiest is the idea of being “in the flow”.

For many of us, this concept has become a sort of golden ticket – a way to justify staying comfortable, avoiding risk, and refusing to face the challenges that come with REAL growth.

The truth is a bit more, nuanced though:

More often than not, what we call “flow” is just a convenient cover for F.E.A.R (“False evidence appearing real”) and stagnation.

If you feel stuck and want to start changing your life, it’s time to take a hard look at what flow really means:

It’s not about aimlessly floating through life, waiting for things to just ‘happen’ – it’s about stepping up, taking responsibility, and learning to respond to reality as it unfolds. Real flow is active, not passive, about being a CAUSE in your life instead of just an EFFECT; it requires direction, action, and the courage to adapt when things don’t go as planned.

In this article, we’ll break down the illusions that keep people stuck, explore what flow actually is, and show you how to use it to transform your life.

Comfort Zones Disguised as Flow

Many of us like to think we’re in the flow when, in reality, we’re just stuck in our comfort zones and the outdated identies of EGO. This is an uncomfortable truth, but it’s one we need to face if we want to grow REAL.

The comfort zone is a seductive place:

It’s safe, predictable, and free of the discomfort that comes with failure or uncertainty. The bottom line is that othing grows in the comfort zone – we are designed for a little healthy stress and tension and so avoiding it by staying comfortable just holds us back and hinders us.

Basically, the comfort zone is a stagnant pool, not a flowing river and – while it might feel nice to stay there – it’s ultimately a slow form of self-sabotage that eventually brings friction, frustration, and misery.

To make matters worse, the Ego often dresses up our avoidance and fear of change and growth with fancy language.

We tell ourselves things like:

“I’m just leaning into my divine feminine right now.”
“I’m working on being more open-minded.”
“I need to let go of left-brain logic and embrace my creative, right-brain side.”

These concepts aren’t inherently bad – there’s always value in balance, openness, and creativity but, more often than not, we use them as excuses to avoid taking action. They become rationalisations for staying comfortable and avoiding the hard work of facing reality.

Here’s a simple litmus test: if you’re not stepping out of your comfort zone and moving towards something meaningful, you might feel ‘safe’ and like everything is under your control but you’re not in the flow.

You’re just stuck.

What Flow Really Means

So, what does it actually mean to be in the flow?

The truth is that flow isn’t about drifting aimlessly or passively “going with the flow” without having any choice in the matter or making decisions about where you’re flowing to.

Real flow is dynamic, purposeful, and responsive.

At its core, it requires two things:

A REAL Vision – You need a direction to flow in (otherwise you’re being so open-minded your brain will fall out). Without a vision, you’re like a boat without a rudder – tossed around by the currents, but never making meaningful progress and just being an EFFECT of life, not a CAUSE.

Your vision doesn’t have to be perfect, but it needs to give you a sense of where you’re headed and it needs to reflect your real VALUES and INTENTIONS more than it reflects ego or some external idea of what you ‘should’ be doing with yourself.
Responsiveness – Flow isn’t rigid (to state the obvious). It’s about being open to the feedback that reality gives you as you move towards your vision. Sometimes, reality will show you a better way to get there. When that happens, you have to be willing to adapt and change course. Sometimes, you’ll learn that you need to do something completely new or different. When that happens, you have to be willing to take the lesson and growing more REAL instead of clinging to ego.

Think of flow like a river: the water has a destination – the ocean – but its path is anything but straight. It twists and turns, responding to obstacles and carving out new paths when necessary. That’s what real flow looks like and the attitude we need to bring to our lives if we want to flow in a real way.

Why Fear Keeps You Stuck

One of the biggest barriers to finding real flow is fear:

Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of uncertainty. These fears are natural, but they often manifest as resistance instead of acceptance and – instead of facing that resistance head-on – we rationalise it.

For example:

“I’m not starting that business because I need to wait for the right moment.”
“I’m not approaching that person I’m interested in because I’m focusing on myself right now.”
“I’m not pursuing my vision because I don’t have it all figured out yet.”

These excuses feel comforting in the moment, but they’re just fear dressed up in logical-sounding language that keeps us in our comfort zone and in the Ego/identity that this comfort zone was built for.

Remember: F.E.A.R often stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

When you break it down, most of the things you’re afraid of aren’t as catastrophic as they seem. Failure isn’t the end of the world – it’s a lesson. Rejection isn’t fatal – it’s a redirection. Uncertainty isn’t a reason to stop – it’s an opportunity to grow in TRUST and acceptance.

The only way to overcome fear is to face it and the only way to face it is to take action. I see this all the time with my coaching clients – they take REAL action and their UNREAL fear dissolves (and all the stories and beliefs that were rooted in it). It’s amazing to see and another reminder that REAL ALWAYS WORKS.

The Danger of “Going with the Flow” Without a Vision

Let’s quickly talk about the phrase “go with the flow” – it’s a popular saying, but it’s often misunderstood.

If you “go with the flow” without a clear vision, you’ll end up drifting aimlessly; you’ll be carried along by the currents of life, going wherever they take you. This might feel easy in the short term, but it’s a recipe for dissatisfaction in the long run because to truly feel REAL and alive we need to play an ACTIVE role in our lives.

On the flip side, if you resist the flow – clinging to rigid plans or refusing to adapt – you’ll end up frustrated and exhausted because you’ll be fighting a battle that it’s impossible to win.

The key is to STAY REAL by striking a balance:

Have a vision, but remain flexible. Take action, but stay open to feedback. Flow isn’t about control or passivity – it’s about responsiveness and being PRESENT in the process of life as it happens.

How to Use Flow to Change Your Life

If you’re ready to stop hiding in your comfort zone and start creating real change, here’s how to use flow as a tool for real growth:

1. Get Clear on Your Vision

What do you want? This is the first question you need to answer. Your vision doesn’t have to be perfect or grandiose, but it needs to give you a sense of direction.

Think about the areas of your life where you feel stuck. What would progress look like? What’s one step you can take to move closer to that vision?

2. Take Action

Flow requires movement. Once you have a vision, take action towards it – don’t wait for the perfect moment or for everything to feel “right.” Start where you are, with what you have and keep learning along the way.

Remember, action doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be consistent and you have to consistently learn from what it teaches you.

3. Face Failure with Courage

Failure isn’t a sign that you’re off-track – it’s a sign that you’re learning. Every setback is an opportunity to adapt and refine your approach so instead of fearing failure, embrace it as part of the process.

This is how you actually KEEP FLOWING – you shift your attitude from a focus on the goals or the destination and stay actively alive in the PROCESS by being present and real.

4. Stay Responsive

As you move towards your vision, reality will give you feedback. Sometimes, it will confirm that you’re on the right track. Other times, it will show you a better way. Be willing to adjust your course based on what you learn and to keep responding to what unfolds (instead of reacting which is always ego and old patterns).

5. Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Growth and comfort don’t coexist – like we said, we all need that healthy stress and tension that allows us to grow (just like our muscles grow against healthy resistance, so does the mind and soul).

If you want to change your life, you have to be willing to get uncomfortable – this might mean having difficult conversations, taking risks, or facing fears you’ve been avoiding. We can make this so much easier for ourselves by remembering that there’s a difference between emotional discomfort and actual danger…If it’s just emotional discomfort then we can GROW through it.

Flow and Growth: The Path to Realness

At the heart of this process is the idea of realness (check out my book Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness to go deeper):

Realness is about aligning with reality – at the levels of yourself, the world, and reality itself (in WHOLENESS). It’s about letting go of illusions, facing your fears, and taking responsibility for your life.

Flow is a tool that helps you navigate this journey – it’s not about drifting aimlessly or clinging rigidly to plans. It’s about finding the balance between direction and adaptability, between action and response, between dynamism and stillness.

When you embrace flow in this way, you’ll find that life starts to move in ways you never thought possible. You’ll grow stronger, more resilient, and more connected to the world around you as you become more REAL.

Conclusion: Use the Flow to Grow

If you’re feeling stuck, it’s time to stop hiding in your comfort zone and start moving.

Flow isn’t about staying safe or avoiding challenges – it’s about stepping into the unknown with courage and purposeful ACTION.

Remember: you can’t flow without a vision and you can’t grow without stepping out of your comfort zone. Use the flow to grow real by flowing in a real way.

Stay real out there,

Building Flow: Finding Realness in Wholeness

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Creativity/Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Shadow Life/Yoga

All Paths Lead to the Same Place: THE FLOW of WHOLENESS

Everybody is in their own flow, but it’s all flowing toward the same truth: wholeness.

This is a deceptively simple idea that captures the essence of what all effective helping and healing professions ultimately aim to achieve:

Whether through therapy, coaching, ‘spiritual’ guidance, or whatever else, the journey always leads back to a state of flow – a natural alignment with reality, where wholeness becomes both the destination and the path.

What is Flow?

Flow is often described as a state of effortless action – think of an artist immersed in their craft or an athlete performing at their peak; these are moments where action feels seamless, intuitive, and deeply satisfying.

But REAL flow is more than a temporary state of heightened productivity – it’s the process of aligning with reality. It’s a way of moving with life rather than against it, surrendering to what is rather than resisting or forcing what isn’t.

In my life and coaching philosophy of Realness, flow represents a state of living in truth; realness is about stripping away the layers of distortion and resitsance – false beliefs, learned patterns, and ego-driven narratives – that keep us in a shame-fuelled state of fragmentation and a false need to FORCE life (so we can keep hiding from ourselves and avoid the Shadow Self).

When we let go of these barriers, we reconnect with a deeper sense of self – our REALNESS – that is whole and unified. This process of uncovering and integrating our truth is what it means to build flow.

Building Flow: A Universal Path

Flow isn’t something that just happens to us; it’s something we build by learning to overcome the patterns and habitual ways of thinking, being, and doing that keep us from it… At frist this takes a little effort but – as we integrate and LET GO – it becomes effortless and REAL.

Ultimately, building flow requires Awareness, Acceptance, and Action—the three pillars of Realness and the main stages of transformation that I walk my coaching clients through (though it’s not a linear process – more of a spiral that we can go deeper and deeper into).

These stages guide us from a place of fragmentation to a state of wholeness:

Awareness: Recognising the obstacles to flow within ourselves. These can be emotional blockages, mental distortions, physical resistance, or anything else UNREAL that we need to let go of.
Acceptance: Embracing what we find without judgment. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means acknowledging reality as it is so we can work with it rather than against it. Only then can we BUILD in an effective way.
Action: Taking intentional steps to align with reality. This might involve healing practices, lifestyle changes, or simply letting go of control and trusting the process as we move towards our VISION.

As we build flow, we begin to experience life differently:

Challenges feel less like insurmountable obstacles and more like opportunities for growth, relationships become more authentic as we drop our projections and meet others in their own flow; most importantly, we start to feel a deeper connection to ourselves, others, and the world around us as we get into reality and out of our heads.

Guiding Others Into Flow

One of the most beautiful aspects of being in flow is that it naturally inspires others to find their own flow too:

When we’re aligned with reality, we stop forcing and start flowing and this shift in energy has a profound effect on the people around us. Instead of projecting our fears, insecurities, or expectations onto others, we create space for them to explore their own truth.

In my coaching practice, I’ve seen this time and again:

Clients who initially struggle with resistance – whether it’s resistance to their emotions, their circumstances, or themselves – begin to become more open as they build flow. This is never something I can force upon them; all I can do is guide them toward the conditions that allow flow to emerge (by asking the ‘right’ questions or helping them to accept things that are emerging from the Shadow Territory etc.).

Whe this happens, it’s kinda like watching a river break free from a dam. Their momentum builds, and suddenly they’re not just surviving – they’re thriving. They’re no longer UNREAL (stuck in ego) but REAL (taking action and flowing as their authentic selves).

What I love about this process (from a totally selfish point of view) is that it continually reinforces my own flow. Witnessing others reconnect with their wholeness reminds me of the interconnected nature of life. It’s a humbling and deeply fulfilling experience that underscores a simple truth that I try to live by these days:

I’m in wholeness, and wholeness is in me.

The Science of Flow and Wholeness

Flow isn’t just an airy-fairy ‘philosophical’ concept; it’s backed by science.

Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who coined the term “flow state,” found that people in flow experience heightened focus, creativity, and satisfaction. Neurologically, flow is associated with a state of transient hypofrontality, where the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for self-criticism and overthinking and many other fragmented ‘ego’ type ways of engaging with life) quiets down.

This allows us to get out of our own way and to actually experience the reality of PRESENCE.

Similarly, the concept of wholeness aligns with what researchers in psychology and neuroscience describe as integration:

When different parts of the brain and body are working harmoniously, we experience greater well-being and resilience. Practices like mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and somatic exercises are all ways to foster this integration and build flow because they ensure that our conscious and unconscious mind are pointing in the same direction instead of tearing us apart into deeper fragmentation and the Void.

Lessons From Nature

Nature offers countless examples of flow in action and shows us just how REAL it is:

Rivers don’t force their way to the ocean; they follow the path of least resistance. Trees grow in harmony with their environment, adapting to sunlight, water, and soil conditions. Even animals instinctively move in flow with the rhythms of nature, responding to seasonal changes and ecological dynamics.

As humans, we often lose this connection to natural flow – our minds get caught up in shoulds and shouldn’ts, fears and fantasies. But the more we align with reality – the way things truly are – and accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS the more we reconnect with the flow that underpins all of life.

Practical Steps to Build Flow

So that all sounds very nice but how do we make it practical?

Well, if you’re feeling ‘stuck’ or like you’re ready for your next level, then here are a few tangible ways to start building flow in your life:

Slow Down: Take time to pause and notice what’s happening within and around you. Stillness creates space for awareness and slows down your mind and nervous system. This allows you to actually be present instead of just reacting to your own physiology etc.
Let Go of Control: Practice surrendering to situations instead of forcing outcomes. Trust that life will unfold as it needs to. Most of life is beyond our control and so most attempts to control the uncontrollable are just the EGO trying to keep it’s hold over us (which is the main problem as it causes fragmentation and keeps us from wholeness…where the flow is).
Tune Into Your Body: Use breathwork, yoga, or other somatic practices to release physical tension and reconnect with your body’s natural rhythms. If you’re new to this kind of thing then I really recommend YIN YOGA – this is a very slow and meditative form of yoga that’s designed to help your body release and integrate whatever it needs to work on.
Embrace Discomfort: Growth often requires stepping outside your comfort zone. Learn to view challenges as opportunities to deepen your flow. Look for ways to STRETCH yourself daily – whether it’s more intensity with your workouts, a slightly bigger goal for yourself, or doing something new that will encourage you to let go of old patterns and develop new ones.
Surround Yourself With Realness: Seek out people, environments, and practices that support your alignment with truth. A famous mantra that I often use for myself (from my book Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World) is “Gimme something REAL or GTFO” – learn to discern the real from unreal and to continuously shift into making choices for wholeness (REAL) over fragmentation (unreal).

Flow as a Collective Journey

Ultimately, everyone is in their own flow, but all flows lead to the same truth: wholeness.

This is what unites us, even in our differences – by building flow within ourselves, we contribute to a larger collective flow – a movement toward greater REALNESS, connection, and harmony.

Keep doing two things and you’ll probably be all right:

Uncover the truth
Live the truth

Keep building your flow, and remember: “I’m in wholeness, and wholeness is in me” – it’s not just a mantra; it’s a way of living that transforms not only your life but the lives of everyone you flow with.

Stay real out there,

Trust the Process: Focus on the Path towards Wholeness

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Creativity/Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Shadow Life/Trust

Focus on REALITY changes the game and changes your life.

We live in a world obsessed with OUTCOMES even though outcomes are something we have the least amount of control over.

The truth is, the only real process – he one that underpins everything in life – is the natural drive towards wholeness. This isn’t some abstract concept or spiritual fluff; it’s a profound principle that is constantly unfolding at all levels: within ourselves, in our relationship with the world, and in our connection with life itself – it’s the guiding thread that weaves through the human experience, whether we recognise it or not.

Despite this, so many of us struggle to align with this process. Why?

Because we resist it. We distort it. We get our EGO involved and lose FOCUS.

We do this because we lack trus – trust in ourselves, trust in the world, and trust in life itself. At the root of all this mistrust is the Ego in avoidance of the Shadow Self and an unreal need to cling to control, certainty, and comfort.

But here’s the liberating truth: when we let go of this resistance and tune into the process, life starts to flow again.

(Because, truth be told, it’s always flowing).

Wholeness: The Destination That’s Already Here

Let’s break it down. What do we mean by “wholeness”?

Wholeness is the state of being fully integrated, where all parts of ourselves – mind, body, emotions, and spirit – work in harmony and interdependence with life itself.

It’s the feeling of being at peace with who we are, where we are, and the journey we’re on…but it’s not just an internal phenomenon: Wholeness also plays out in how we relate to the world around us and how we engage with life’s larger rhythms.

This drive towards wholeness is natural. It’s always at work, like a river carving its way through the landscape. The only thing that blocks it is our own EGO RESISTANCE – our refusal to flow with life as it unfolds. And this resistance, more often than not, stems from fear, pride, and the Ego’s desperate need to control the uncontrollable so we can keep our Shadow Self at bay and keep up the illusions that we’ve been hypnotising ourselves with since childhood (usually).

The great irony of life (perhaps) is that wholeness isn’t something we have to achieve. It’s already within us, waiting to be uncovered. The process is about clearing away the layers of resistance, distortion, and mistrust so we can allow this natural state to emerge.

When we do this we can accept that WHAT’S REAL IS ALWAYS REAL and truly get into a state of unconditional self-acceptance.

The Way Into Real Life

So, how do we align with this process? How do we stop resisting and start flowing?

The answer is surprisingly simple, though not always easy: learn to keep your focus on the process.

When you stay locked into the process, distractions lose their power. The noise of your ego and the world fades into the background and you can slip into a relationship with REALITY.

In this (natural) state, the things that once seemed like insurmountable obstacles begin to dissolve. This isn’t about rigid discipline or forcing yourself to stay on track. It’s about cultivating a mindset that welcomes everything as part of the journey.

Welcoming Everything Like a Guest

One of the most powerful ways to align with the process is to adopt an attitude of radical acceptance. This means welcoming everything – yes, literally everything – that life throws your way as though it were a guest.

Whether it’s an emotion, a challenge, or a change, treat it as something that’s here to teach you, to move you closer to wholeness:

In Yourself

Start with your inner world. Thoughts and emotions will rise and fall like waves. Some will feel ‘good’, others ‘bad’, but – instead of labelling or resisting them – simply welcome them. Ride the reality waves without judgement.

For example, if fear arises, don’t push it away or pretend it’s not there. Instead, get curious. Ask yourself, “What is this fear trying to tell me? What can I learn from it?”

The same goes for joy, anger, sadness, or any other emotion. Each one is part of the process, guiding you towards a deeper understanding of yourself.

The more you learn to TRUST THE PROCESS like this, the more you’ll start to see that anything temporary is just a wave but the REAL you is the ocean itself. Let the waves pass and keep going deeper.

In the World

The same principle applies to the external world. Life is full of obstacles – delayed plans, difficult people, unexpected setbacks. But what if, instead of seeing these things as barriers, you treated them as invitations to grow?

Imagine every obstacle as a custom-designed lesson ‘sent’ to you by life itself. It’s not there to punish you; it’s there to teach you (and you can always learn to be more real or more accepting of reality).

Often, the greatest breakthroughs come from the most challenging situations. Wholeness is always on the other side because you can only unlearn the things that keep you from it (and you can only LET GO of something unreal).

So, the next time you encounter a roadblock, resist the urge to complain or give up. Instead, ask yourself, “What is this trying to show me? How can I use this to move forward?” – you’ll always find an answer (if you LET GO of any ego resistance).

In Life Itself

Finally, embrace the ever-changing nature of life. Nothing stays the same, and that’s a good thing. Change is what keeps the process alive, what keeps us growing and evolving as we move towards more and more wholeness.

Instead of resisting change or trying to control it, learn to move with it. This doesn’t mean passively accepting everything that happens, but rather engaging with life’s rhythms in a way that shows you more TRUTH about yourself.

For example, if a dream or goal you’ve been chasing suddenly feels out of reach, don’t see it as the end. See it as part of the process. Trust that life is leading you somewhere – even if you can’t see the destination yet.

If you choose to keep cultivating ACCEPTANCE then those reality waves will always bring you what you need as the process keeps doing its thing.

Vision and Goals: Tools, Not Traps

This brings us to an important point: the need to have a REAL VISION. In fact, it’s necessary. Setting goals gives us direction and helps us align our efforts. But here’s the catch: don’t get lost in the goal.

When we become overly fixated on the outcome, we lose sight of the process. We start measuring our worth by what we’ve achieved instead of how we’re growing. And ironically, this fixation can actually slow us down.

The better approach?

Set your vision, choose your goals, and then let them go.

In other words, once you’ve done the WORK to determine what your goals are, take your focus off of the goal itself and keep your focus on the PROCESS of moving towards it. This keeps you outcome-independent and allows you to stay REAL and enjoy the journey instead of being defined by it (which always leads to EGO).

Short version: Focus instead on process of moving towards your goals, more than the goal itself. Trust that if you stay aligned with the process, everything else will unfold as it’s meant to, because you’ll be PRESENT in life (where things happen) – not your ideas about it.

The Process Is Always the Way

Ultimately, the process is all we have. It’s where life happens. The destination is an illusion – a fleeting moment that quickly gives way to the next process.

When you focus on the process, you’re no longer at the mercy of external outcomes. You’re no longer chasing happiness, success, or fulfilment somewhere ‘out there’ – instead, you’re living it, moment by moment, as it unfolds. This is a much more REAL approach.

Here’s another beautiful part: when you stay present with the process, those external outcomes often take care of themselves. You grow into the person who’s ready to receive them, not because you forced it, but because you flowed with it.

You still have to do the WORK and take ACTION but you take your ego out of your action so you can act in a pure way (or as the Taoists say in their concept of wu-wei: you can act without acting).

Gratitude: The Glue That Holds It Together

Finally, to truly embrace the process, cultivate gratitude. Not the kind of gratitude that’s dependent on things going your way, but the kind that welcomes everything – even the hard stuff, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – as part of the journey.

Be grateful for the emotions that arise, even the uncomfortable ones, because they’re showing you where you need to grow. Be grateful for the obstacles, because they’re teaching you resilience. Be grateful for the changes, because they’re keeping you alive and engaged with life.

Gratitude doesn’t mean you have to enjoy every moment. It means recognising the value in every moment, even the ones that stretch you to your limits.

When you can get to this place, then you ACCEPT life no matter what which means that you truly LOVE it. This allows you to stop resisting and to just be in the process of moving, flowing, and growing in that real way.

Conclusion: Trust the Process

At its core, life is a process of moving towards wholeness. This process is always unfolding, whether we realise it or not – the only question is whether we choose to align with it or resist it.

When you stay focused on the process, you free yourself from the endless chase for external validation. You learn to trust yourself, the world, and reality itself. In doing so, you tap into a deeper flow – a sense of ease and alignment that makes even the hardest moments feel purposeful.

So, welcome everything like a guest. Stay curious, stay grateful, and most importantly, stay focused on the process. It’s always the way forward.

Stay real out there,

Build Flow: The Power of Moving with Life

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Personal Revolutions/Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology

The only constant in life is change but we can use it to build flow and grow REAL.

Nothing is static in human experience. Everything flows.

At first glance, this truth may seem unsettling. After all, so much of our lives are spent seeking stability – a steady job, a permanent home, fixed relationships, a firm sense of self…but the fact is that the world, and everything in it, is in a constant state of flux (even if reality itself is WHOLE and therefore remains absolute in truth).

From the mightiest mountains to the smallest cells in your body, everything is in motion: change isn’t just inevitable; it’s the very fabric of existence.

Resisting this truth doesn’t preserve stability – it creates suffering:

When we cling to the illusion of stasis, we find ourselves stuck, forcing life to fit a shape it simply cannot hold but – when we embrace flux – we open ourselves to the flow of life, discovering not only freedom but also the potential for growth, transformation, and REAL living.

The Fragility of Permanence

Take a moment to look around you:

The walls of the room you’re sitting in may seem solid, immovable, unchanging. Yet, over time, they’ll crumble – the bricks will erode, the paint will peel, and what seems permanent now will eventually be dust. The same is true for the people in your life: they’re constantly evolving towards wholeness – mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Even the grandest structures of the Earth – towering mountains, vast forests, endless oceans – are slowly shifting and changing with the passage of time. It’s just the way it goes so we might as well go with it instead of trying to cling to static ideas and interpretations about things that we picked up somewhere in the past.

When we look at the world around us at face value, caught up in our minds and emotions, things can appear to be permanent or lasting… after all, our lives are but a blink in the vast expanse of time.

But permanence is an illusion. Nothing in the phenomenal world remains fixed.

This realisation can feel uncomfortable because we’re wired to crave certainty and in many ways our identity (ego) depends on it. We want to know who we are, where we’re going, and what tomorrow will bring. But treating life as though it’s static – clinging to the notion that things should remain as they are – sets us up for conflict. It forces us into a battle with reality – one we’re destined to lose.

The Problem with Stasis

Why do we cling to stasis? Because it feels safe and comfortable. The ego – the mental construct we identify with as “Me” – craves predictability and consistency; it builds a self-image based on fixed roles, beliefs, and patterns:

“I am this kind of person.” “I believe in these ideas.” “My life should look like this.”

These narratives give us a sense of control, a comforting illusion that we understand the world and our place in it…they also allow us to resist and distort our underlying emotional ‘stuff’ and the shame, guilt, and/or trauma that makes us want to avoid reality and choose ego in the first place.

But reality doesn’t care about our narratives:

It flows, shifts, and transforms, regardless of our attempts to hold it still and – when we cling to stasis – we create tension.

Think of it like trying to stop the flow of a mighty river; you can dam it, block it, or try to divert its course, but the water will eventually find a way to flow.

Similarly, when we resist the natural flux of life, we create blockages – internally and externally. These blockages manifest as frustration, anxiety, and a sense of being stuck. The longer we resist, the more ‘stuck’ we get, and the more likely we are to become miserable and depressed.

When we force life to fit a static mould, we cut ourselves off from its natural rhythms – instead of growing and adapting, we stagnate; instead of flowing with the current, we exhaust ourselves swimming upstream.

If we want to find our REAL life and the energy that comes with it, then our best strategy is to just LET GO.

The Freedom of Flux

So what if we let go of the illusion of stasis and embraced the fluidity of life?

To do this, we must first recognise the flux in ourselves…

You are not the same person you were a year ago – or even yesterday. Every experience, every conversation, every fleeting moment leaves its mark. You are a process, not a product. A journey, not a destination.

This is a liberating truth and will always lead to REALNESS (because that’s the only place things can lead to). When you embrace your fluidity, you free yourself from the need to cling to outdated roles, beliefs, or self-images. You realise that who you are today doesn’t have to define who you’ll be tomorrow. You’re allowed to change your mind, to evolve, and GROW REAL.

Shedding the Skin of Stasis

To truly flow with life, you must be willing to shed your skin. This means letting go of what no longer serves you because you have learned that it’s UNREAL – whether it’s an old belief, a stagnant relationship, or a self-image you’ve outgrown.

Letting go can be difficult. The ego clings to familiarity – even when it causes suffering – but holding on only keeps you stuck. Think of a snake that refuses to shed its skin. It becomes trapped, unable to grow, suffocated by its own resistance to change.

The same is true for us. When we refuse to let go, we stifle our growth. But when we embrace flux, we create space for new possibilities. We allow ourselves to be reshaped by life, to learn, to adapt, to become.

The Art of Building Flow

Living in alignment with flux requires a shift in mindset – here are some principles to guide you:

Recognise the Illusion of Stasis
Understand that nothing is truly permanent in our human experience (only the truth itself which we are constantly moving towards a deeper understanding of) The sooner you accept this, the less you’ll suffer when things inevitably change and you have to let go of the unreal and move towards the real.
Observe Without Clinging
Practice observing life and experience – your thoughts, emotions, circumstances – without attaching to them. When you see something as a passing wave rather than a fixed reality, you can engage with it more freely. Always remember that experience is just experience – it only becomes a problem when you cling to it (or your ideas about it).
Be Willing to Adapt
Like water flowing around rocks, learn to adapt to life’s changes. Flexibility is not weakness; it’s a sign of strength and resilience. It takes strength to let go but the more you let go, the stronger you get.
Let Go with Grace
Whether it’s a role, a relationship, or an identity, recognise when it’s time to let go. Holding on too tightly only creates tension and this tension creates friction in your life. On a long enough timeline firction turns to frustration and frustration leads to misery. Happiness is often found in letting go and moving with life as it moves through us.
Embrace Growth
Literally each and every phase of your life offers an opportunity to grow. Whether you’re the novice or the teacher, the confident or the uncertain, lean into the lessons life is offering you. This allows you to keep: 1) Uncovering the Truth, 2) Living the Truth – and, the more you do that, the more REAL life will get.

The Dance of Masks

Throughout your life, you’ll wear many masks. Today, you might be the student, absorbing knowledge and experience. Tomorrow, you might step into the role of teacher, sharing what you’ve learned. One day, you might feel certain and secure; the next, you might feel lost and unsure.

These shifts aren’t failures – they’re part of the dance of life. Each mask serves a purpose for a time, but none of them defines you. When you cling to a mask, you limit yourself. But when you wear it lightly, knowing you can change it when the time comes, you free yourself to fully inhabit the present moment.

Stasis vs. Flow: The Choice We Face

When we cling to stasis, we FORCE life and nothing forced can ever be real:

We try to control outcomes, fit ourselves into predefined roles, and resist the natural ebb-and-flow of existence. This leads to frustration, exhaustion, and a sense of being stuck in the Void because we end up being disconnected from who we really are and what life really is.

But when we embrace flux, we FLOW:

We align ourselves with the rhythms of life, moving with its currents rather than against them. This doesn’t mean we’re passive. On the contrary, flowing with life requires AWARENESS, the courage to ACCEPT life, and a willingness to engage with change by taking ACTION.

(Awareness, Acceptance, and Action – it works every time! Book a call if you’re interested in coaching).

Embracing the Fullness of Life

Flux is not something to fear – it’s something to celebrate. It’s the source of growth, transformation, and possibility. When you accept the fluid nature of life, you free yourself from the need to cling, to control, to resist.

You stop fighting the river and start swimming with it – you discover that life, in all its unpredictability and impermanence is beautiful and you realise that by flowing with it, you become more REAL- not fixed or rigid, but authentic, alive, and fully present.

In this state, you’re no longer stuck – in fact, it’s impossible to be stuck. You’re no longer forcing life; you’re growing, adapting, and experiencing all that life has to offer. You’re moving with the natural flow of your own existence towards wholeness and embracing its fluidity with grace and acceptance.

That’s what makes you REAL.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number twelve in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Your Core Problem: Fragmentation and Transformation

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Coaching/Creativity/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Shadow Life

Transforming your life isn’t about dealing with symptoms but the fundamental problem of fragmentation.

One thing I’ve seen so many times when coaching people is that when people set out to transform their lives, they often focus on the symptoms, not the root issue that creates the desire for transformation in the first place.

It’s as if they’re trying to tidy up a leaking roof by mopping the puddles on the floor without ever looking up and seeing what’s causing the puddles in the first place. That’s unfortunate because even though the puddles may be what annoy us, they aren’t the real problem – they’re just a consequence.

This is improtant because many of the frustrations, dissatisfactions, and struggles we face in life are just like those puddles: symptoms of something deeper and more fundamental.

This article is a quick exploration of what that root cause the heart of it all looks like – in many ways, we can say that there is really just one problem that people are dealing with and it’s far simpler than you might imagine (though, not always easy to solve): a fundamental split from our own realness.

This split – this sense of fragmentation – disconnects us from the truth and clarity that every single one of us has access to before the world gets its hands on us and we start self-hypnotising ourselves with limiting beliefs and BS because of this… Before life starts teaching us who we ‘should’ be, what we ‘must’ do, and how we ‘ought’ to think and SHAMES us if we go against these conceptual ideas.

Over time, our relationship with ourselves becomes polluted, and instead of confronting that, we hypnotise ourselves into continuing to believe the lies we’ve been told (this is when we start to think we’re the ego and not who we actually are in our REALNESS).

Sound familiar? If you’ve ever looked at your life and felt an underlying unease, like something is ‘off’ even when nothing major is wrong, this might resonate with you. The solution isn’t chasing external fixes or rearranging surface-level details; the solution is to address the split itself.

Two Critical Levels of Fragmentation

The effects of this fundamental disconnection or fragmented split show up on two main levels:

1. The Level of Inner Experience

Let’s start with the internal:

Anxiety, depression, dread, and those gnawing feelings of discontent that seem to follow you around like a shadow – an itch that can’t be scratched or feelings of being stuck or just restless – these aren’t problems in and of themselves. They’re symptoms. They’re the alarm bells, not the fire.

When we’re detached from our core realness, our inner world becomes a battlefield. We feel fragmented, out-of-sync with ourselves – cut off from the natural flow of life.

This disconnection breeds all the emotional turbulence that we often mistake for the main problem. In reality, those feelings are simply signals – a flashing red light trying to point us back to where the true issue lies. If we learn to listen then we can start the journey home; if we keep ignoring the signs, then things just snowball until we crack (and have a “Dark Night of the Soul” or something like that).

Your core REALNESS – your sense of being fully alive and aligned with what’s true – is like a tuning fork. When you’re in harmony with it, you resonate with clarity and ease. When you’re not, that resonance gets distorted, and the dissonance shows up as anxiety, dread, and a lack of peace.

The solution then is simple: if you don’t feel calm and safe then you need to start shifting back into realness and away from the split that makes you feel unreal.

2. The Level of Projections

If the first level is the internal battlefield, the second level is where that battle spills out into the world around us:

Often (though not always), the things we see in the world that frustrate or irritate us – the things we wish we could change in others or in our circumstances – are just mirrors of the inner split and fragmentation within our own relationship with ourselves. They reflect back to us the disowned parts of ourselves that we’ve buried, repressed, or denied.

This is what Carl Jung famously called the ‘Shadow Self’ It’s the unconscious part of ourselves that we don’t want to look at, so we project it onto others and the world around us. Maybe you get frustrated at someone for being ‘too arrogant,’ but deep down, it’s because you’ve disowned your own desire to step into your power. Maybe someone’s laziness drives you up the wall, but it’s because you’ve buried your own need to rest and recharge.

Though it might seem like it because of how we perceive things in this state, the world isn’t actually the problem but what’s going on inside us is:

Most of the time, we’re annoying ourselves in a roundabout way, using the world as a convenient stage on which to act out our inner drama and to keep avoiding the TRUTH in ourselves that’s waiting to be faced.

Of course, it’s important to clarify that not everything is a projection: Sometimes, bad things just happen- life throws curveballs that are out of our control. But often, our resistance to life’s ups-and-downs only makes things worse because we’re so caught up in blaming the external that we miss the opportunity to work on the internal.

The Cure: Own It

So, what’s the solution to all of this? How do we heal the split and move from fragmentation to wholeness?

It starts with one radical yet simple principle: ownership:

1. Own Yourself

At the level of inner experience, owning yourself means taking full responsibility for everything you’re feeling – the ‘good,’ the ‘bad,’ and the downright uncomfortable.

When you feel anxiety, for example, the natural instinct is to resist it. You might distract yourself, try to suppress it, or blame it on something external. But as the saying goes, what you resist persists (Carl Jung again!) Resisting those feelings only strengthens them, keeping you locked in a loop.

Instead, what if you just owned them? What if you accepted those feelings and WELCOMED them as part of your experience, without trying to change or fix them? When you own your experience, you dissolve the tension that resistance creates. You stop fighting against yourself and start moving towards integration – you allow the emotions to go where they need to go, following the principle that “emotions are e-motion, energy in motion” (it’s only when we resist or block this motion that we get problems and projection).

Owning yourself isn’t about passivity or resignation. It’s about recognising that your inner world is your responsibility, and the sooner you stop running from it, the sooner you can begin to transform it.

2. Own Your Projections

At the level of projections, ownership means recognising when the ‘problem’ you see in the world is actually a reflection of something within you (even if it’s not always a projection it’s worth assuming it is when you meet problems so that you can free yourself from anything unreal you’re carrying).

This isn’t easy to do – it requires humility and brutal self-honesty. But the moment you take ownership of your projections, you reclaim your power. You stop being a victim of external circumstances and start taking charge of your own growth.

Here’s a practical example: Let’s say you’re constantly annoyed by a colleague who always seeks validation. Instead of fixating on their behaviour, ask yourself: Is there a part of me that craves validation too?

Chances are, the answer is yes. By owning that part of yourself, you can start to integrate it, and once it’s integrated, the external trigger will lose its power over you and you’ll be FREE to keep moving towards your real life.

Resistance vs. Flow

At its core, the process of ownership is about moving from resistance to flow.

Resistance is what keeps us stuck in fragmentation; it’s what happens when we fight against our feelings, blame the world for our problems, and cling to the idea that transformation is something external.

Flow, on the other hand, is what happens when we embrace what is – when we stop resisting and start owning our experience by giving up ‘blame games’ and start taking responsibility. In other words, when we align ourselves with reality. And in that alignment, transformation happens naturally because there is a NATURAL DRIVE TOWARDS WHOLENESS at all times (which means we naturally pull ourselves away from the split of inner fragmentation when we trust and let go).

The truth is, you don’t have to ‘force’ yourself to transform: Transformation is the natural result of living in harmony with yourself and the world around you. It’s what happens when you stop fighting against life and start living in sync with it.

Transformation Through Realness

Ultimately, the journey of transformation is a journey back to your realness. It’s about peeling away the layers of illusion, distraction, and denial that have kept you disconnected from your core.

It’s not about ‘fixing’ yourself – you’re not broken. It’s about remembering who you are beneath the noise:

Beneath the anxiety, the projections, and the resistance lies a deep well of truth and clarity that’s always been there, waiting for you to return to it: WHOLENESS.

Transformation isn’t about adding something to your life; it’s about stripping away what doesn’t belong. It’s about owning your experience, dissolving your projections, and letting go of the need to control or resist what’s unfolding.

Real Transformation Starts Here

The short-version of all this is simple: if you’re ready to transform your life, stop just dealing with the symptoms. Stop rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic whilst it appears to sink and start addressing the split.

Ask yourself: Where am I disconnected from my realness? What feelings am I resisting? What projections am I clinging to?

The answers won’t always come easily, but that’s okay:

Transformation isn’t a quick fix – it’s a lifelong process of owning, integrating, and growing. But the beauty is, the more you align with your core realness, the more life begins to flow.

No more fighting; no more pretending. Just realness – and that, in the end, is the only place where true transformation begins.

Stay real out there,

Nervous System Regulation for Realness: Finding Your Natural Rhythm

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Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Psychology/Trust

The Real You is Often Hiding Behind an Unreal Relationship with Your Nervous System

Most of us think we know what we want: a bigger house; a promotion; the approval of people we don’t even like – but have you ever stopped to question whether what you think you want is really your own REAL desire or if it’s just a distorted signal from a dysregulated nervous system?

Here’s the truth: when your nervous system is out of balance, your perceptions are skewed, and so is your relationship with reality.

A dysregulated nervous system sends ‘You’ into overdrive, making you chase things you don’t need and to avoid things you should confront. This just serves to disconnect you from the natural rhythm of life, leaving you stressed, fragmented, and further away from your real self than it’s healthy to find yourself.

The good news, though, is that you can change this if you want!

When you take steps to regulate your nervous system, you don’t just feel better – you see better. You start to perceive reality more clearly, free from the distortions of stress, fear, and avoidance and the illusory internal and external ‘threats’ that appear to follow you everywhere. Instead, you can start to see and experience your own natural rhythm – the one that connects you to realness, balance, and growth at all times

Let’s explore how to find that rhythm – and why it matters more than you think:

Why a Dysregulated Nervous System Distorts Your Reality

The nervous system is your body’s command centre. It regulates everything from your heartbeat to your mood and is constantly scanning your environment for safety or threat.

But when it’s out of balance – overwhelmed by chronic stress, unhealthy habits, or unresolved emotions – it gets stuck in a loop of survival responses.

A dysregulated nervous system can trap you in two extremes:

Hyperarousal (Sympathetic Dominance): You feel constantly on edge, reactive, and driven by a need to do more in order to deal with the ‘threats’ you perceive everywhere (including inside yourself as you fear facing your own emotional ‘stuff’).

This can lead to impulsive decisions, overthinking, and chasing external validation to calm the chaos within (and a bunch of mental and phsyical symptoms). Essentially you go into FIGHT or FLIGHT mode and stay there.
Hypoarousal (Parasympathetic Shutdown): You feel detached, numb, and stuck. Instead of confronting reality, you avoid it through distractions like binge-watching, overeating, or scrolling endlessly on social media. Essentially, you go into FREEZE mode and stay there.

Neither state allows you to engage with life as it is. Instead, they create a distorted perception of reality – where your desires, thoughts, and actions are shaped by stress and avoidance rather than truth and a sense of being PRESENT with it.

Finding Your Natural Rhythm: The Key to Realness

When your nervous system is regulated, you move into a state of balance where both your sympathetic (activation) and parasympathetic (rest) systems work together.

This is your natural rhythm and it looks like this:

Healthy Activation: You feel energised and focused, with a clear direction to move toward.
Inner Peace: You experience a sense of rest and trust, even while taking action.

In this state, you stop chasing illusions or running from discomfort. Instead, you start living in alignment with what’s real.

How to Regulate Your Nervous System

Regulating your nervous system isn’t a one-time fix; it’s a process of consistent, focused action over time.

Here are some practical steps to help you get started:

1. Exercise: Moving the Energy

Physical movement is one of the most effective ways to regulate your nervous system. Exercise releases stored tension, balances your hormones, and creates a natural rhythm for your body to follow.

Whether it’s yoga, running, or weightlifting, find a form of movement that aligns with your goals and values. The key is to approach it with intention, not as a punishment or escape.

2. Learn to Breathe

Your breath is the bridge between your body and mind. When you consciously control your breathing, you send signals to your nervous system that you’re safe, which helps deactivate survival responses.

Try this simple exercise: Inhale for a count of seven, hold for four, exhale for eight, and repeat. Over time, this practice helps you find calm and clarity.

If your breath is calm then your nervous system has to be calm too…

3. Let Emotions Flow

Unprocessed emotions create blockages in your mind-body system, keeping you stuck in survival mode. The more you suppress or avoid them beause you think they’re a ‘threat’, the more fragmented you become.

Instead of resisting your emotions, let them move through you. Journaling, therapy, or even a good cry can help release what’s been trapped.

The key to remember is that many of the threats perceived by a dysregulated nervous system are just emotional discomfort, not actual physical danger.

4. Manage Your Thoughts

Negative or distorted thinking feeds a dysregulated nervous system. Start by becoming aware of your inner dialogue – are you catastrophising, overgeneralising, or judging yourself harshly?

Practice reframing your thoughts. Instead of thinking, “I’ll never get it right,” try, “I’m learning as I go.” Over time, this shifts your mental state from resistance to acceptance.

I have a free tool that will help you with this: The Hamster Wheel Thought Log

5. Create a Vision

Having a vision gives your nervous system a direction to move toward. It creates a sense of purpose and activates healthy levels of sympathetic energy. It also stops you focusing on the PAST (where many (mis)perceived threats come from).

Ask yourself: What kind of life do I want to create? What values do I want to embody? Write down your vision and take small, consistent steps toward it every day.

I have a free 7-Day course that can help with this: The 7-Day Personality Transplant.

Avoiding the Trap of the Void

When your nervous system is dysregulated, you risk falling into what can only be described as the Void. This is the state of living disconnected from your real self, where you:

Distract yourself with short-term dopamine hits (sugar, social media, endless entertainment).
Avoid reality by numbing out or overthinking.
Feel stuck in patterns that don’t serve you but feel too overwhelming to change.

The Void is seductive because it offers temporary relief from discomfort. But it comes at a cost: You lose touch with your natural rhythm and create a fragmented inner relationship where the real you becomes a ‘threat.’ This stress then projects outward, distorting your perceptions of the world and others.

The only way to escape the Void is to face reality as it is. This means regulating your nervous system, letting go of illusions, and choosing realness over avoidance – moment by moment.

The “Unforced Rhythms of Grace”

Finding your natural rhythm isn’t about forcing yourself to be calm or productive. It’s about aligning with the unforced rhythms of grace—the balance between effort and ease, action and rest, doing and being.

When you operate from this rhythm, you:

Take inspired action without burning out.
Rest deeply without guilt or avoidance.
Move through life with a sense of flow and trust.

This is the state where you’re fully present and engaged with reality, no longer at the mercy of distorted perceptions or survival responses. It’s where you find your real life.

Closing Thoughts

Your nervous system is the foundation of how you experience the yourself, the world, and reality itself. When you regulate it, you reconnect with your natural rhythm and see reality for what it truly is – you stop chasing illusions and start creating a life that aligns with your realness.

So, ask yourself: Are you living in the real rhythms of grace, or are you stuck in the Void?

Every choice you make – to exercise, breathe, feel, think, or act – either moves you closer to your real self or further away. Choose wisely, and trust the process.

Your real life is waiting.

Stay real out there,

The Realness of Flux: Thriving in the Process

Published on

Creativity/Coaching/Life Philosophy/Mindset/Personal Revolutions/Psychology

Real life is always moving – move with it to grow REAL.

The human experience is one of perpetual movement. Beneath every concept or label we assign to events- happiness, success, failure, or even misery – there lies an invisible yet undeniable truth: these outcomes are not singular, isolated happenings but the cumulative results of ongoing processes.

To understand life more fully and align ourselves with reality, we must shift our perspective from viewing life as a series of disconnected events to embracing it as a continual process.

This shift in mindset is transformative. When we begin to see ourselves as active participants in a dynamic flow, rather than passive recipients of random events, we unlock a world of possibility and TRUTH. In this article, we’ll explore why this distinction between process and event is not only crucial but deeply empowering, particularly when it comes to crafting a meaningful, value-driven life.

Events Are Illusions; Processes Are Real

In a world enamoured with instant gratification, we are often led to believe that ‘success’ or ‘failure’ occurs in a single moment:

A standing ovation, a lottery win, or even losing your job can feel like isolated events. But these “events” are merely the visible peaks of the processes that have been shaping them for weeks, months, or even years.

Take the concept of ‘success’ as an example. Let’s say your goal is to write a novel. If you spend your evenings scrolling social media or binge-watching old sitcoms, you are not contributing to the process required to achieve your goal. Success doesn’t miraculously arrive on your doorstep; it is earned through small, consistent actions that align with your vision. Similarly, ‘failure’ isn’t a singular moment of misfortune – it’s often the cumulative result of neglect, distraction, or misalignment with one’s purpose.

What’s crucial to understand here is that no single event will change your life. At best, an event can catalyse a shift, but lasting transformation comes from the processes you consciously cultivate conistently over time. This is why real growth involves treating life as an ever-evolving journey rather than a series of destinations and taking REAL ACTION every day.

The Process-Driven Life: Two Types of “Busy”

Every moment of your life represents an opportunity cost, a decision between one of two types of ‘busy’:

Distracting yourself from reality.
Actively working to create something real.

The first type of busy is rooted in avoidance, ego resistance, and distortion. You may fill your days with tasks, errands, or entertainment, but if these activities don’t align with your deeper values and purpose, you are merely treading water and keeping yourself where you don’t want to be. The second type, however, involves dedicating your time and energy to a process that brings you closer to your authentic self and goals and – as a consequence – your REALNESS.

Your Personal Revolution begins when you choose the second type of busy. This doesn’t mean working relentlessly without pause, but rather ensuring that your daily actions are intentional and aligned with your long-term vision for wholeness. Every choice you make either contributes to or detracts from your real life.

Processes Shape Your Mindset

Thinking in terms of processes doesn’t just influence your actions; it also reshapes your thoughts and beliefs. A process-oriented mindset encourages resilience and adaptability. When things don’t go as planned, you don’t need to abandon your goals; you simply need to adjust your approach based on what you’ve LEARNED.

This mindset also helps you cultivate what psychologists refer to as an internal locus of control – the belief that you are responsible for shaping your own life and that you’re a CAUSE more than an EFFECT. By focusing on the processes you can control, you move away from a reactive, victim-like stance and towards a proactive, empowered and REAL way of being.

For example, if you’re striving for ‘happiness’, recognise that happiness isn’t an event you can arrive at, like a train pulling into a station. It’s the result of an ongoing process – choosing actions, habits, and thoughts that align with your values and bring fulfilment. The same applies to creativity, success, or any other ideal you might aspire to embody.

Navigating Two Key Processes: Necessary and Symbolic

To live a process-driven life, it’s helpful to understand that your existence unfolds across two overlapping realms: the Necessary and the Symbolic.

1. The Necessary Process

This process encompasses the immutable aspects of life – the cards you’ve been dealt and the constraints of reality. These might include your genetics, upbringing, or external circumstances. While you can’t change these factors, you can choose how to respond to them.

For example, ageing is part of the Necessary Process. You can’t stop the clock, but you can engage in processes that maximise your health, vitality, and quality of life within the bounds of time.

2. The Symbolic Process

This process involves the ideals, values, and aspirations that give your life meaning. It’s the realm of potential, where you can influence your future by aligning your actions with your vision.

The challenge is to bridge these two processes: to accept the unchangeable realities of the Necessary while striving to bring the best of the Symbolic into being. When you strike this balance, you align yourself with realness – the ability to live authentically and meaningfully within the flow of life.

Real Life Is a Process, Not an Event

One of the most liberating truths about reality is that everything is in flux. Nothing is static. Happiness, success, or creativity aren’t fixed destinations; they exist along a continuum, constantly changing as you move through life.

This means you are already whatever it is you aspire to be and become – you just need to amplify it and close the gap through action. For example, if you want to become ‘successful’, recognise that you already embody the potential for success. Every step you take in alignment with your goals brings you closer to that reality. The key is to keep moving and learning.

Here’s the bottom line: if you’re not moving, you’re not being real. Stasis in the human experience is an illusion (though what’s real is always real), often created by the Ego’s desire to cling to comfort and certainty. Life, by its very nature, is a process of becoming. The more you embrace this, the less you’ll feel trapped by the illusion of stasis and our attachment to concepts.

Turning Up the Volume on Realness

To thrive in a process-driven life, you must dedicate yourself daily to actions that align with your values.

This involves:

Clarifying your vision. What do you truly want to create or achieve? Define your goals in a way that reflects your deepest values.
Committing to consistent action. Break your goals down into manageable steps and haits and take deliberate action every day.
Adapting to change. Life is dynamic, and so are you. Be willing to adjust your process as circumstances evolve.

Remember, realness isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. It’s about narrowing the gap between where you are and where you need to be, moment by moment.

Process Thinking in Practice: A Case Study

Let’s say your goal is to improve your fitness. If you view fitness as an event – something you’ll achieve after a single workout or diet plan – you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. But if you see it as a process – a lifelong commitment to movement, nutrition, and self-care – you create the conditions for lasting success.

The same principle applies to relationships, creativity, or personal growth (or literally anything else): when you focus on the process rather than the outcome, you free yourself from the pressure of instant results and allow for organic, sustainable progress.

The Beauty of Becoming

Ultimately, thinking in terms of processes rather than events helps you align with the reality of a world in flux. It teaches you to embrace the journey so you can enjoy it rather than fixating on the destination and feeling ‘bad’ abou things.

Life itself is a process, and every moment presents an opportunity to contribute to its unfolding into realness.

So, what are you waiting for? Dive into the process of becoming more real. Take deliberate action, adapt to change, and keep moving forward. The world will move with you – or without you. The choice, as always, is yours.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number eight in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Enough is Enough: Dancing with the Unreal

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Life Philosophy/Coaching/Mindset/Psychology/Trust

You Won’t Grow Real Until You Realise It’s All Become Unreal

Have you ever been so deeply invested in something – a relationship, a job, an idea, a vision – that you ignored every sign it wasn’t working? You poured everything into it, convinced that if you just worked harder, stayed up later, or gritted your teeth for long enough, it would all come together.

Spoiler alert: it didn’t. And you were left with a creeping sense of unease, frustration, and maybe even the empty, restless feeling of the VOID. If this sounds familiar, then congratulations – you’ve danced with the unreal.

Here’s an uncomfortable truth that eventually hits most of us if we’re lucky: you won’t grow real until you have a moment of reckoning where you realise it’s all become unreal.

The Trap of “It’s All Up to Me”

When we stop trusting – whether it’s trusting ourselves or life itself and the natural flow of events – we fall into a dangerous delusion. We believe it’s all on us. Every decision, every outcome, every hurdle must be conquered through sheer force of will. Sounds noble, doesn’t it? Except it isn’t. It’s ego.

This “me against the world” mentality isn’t a sign of strength; it’s a subtle symptom of mistrust. It’s a mindset that quietly disconnects us from reality and ushers us onto a path that’s totally unreal.

Why? Because when we think it’s all up to us, we stop listening to the subtle guidance life offers. We lose touch with our intuition and promptings from wholness itself – those quiet nudges that point us toward what’s actually aligned with our realness.

Instead, we push forward, forcing outcomes to serve our ego’s agenda rather than our realness and -because strength can only come from something REAL – that means that we’re making ourselves weaker by forcing instead of flowing and letting go.

The Journey of Forcing

In the beginning, this forcing can feel productive. You might even mistake it for inspiration. You’ve got drive, ambition, hustle! But there’s a difference between inspiration – that natural spark that flows effortlessly – and the sweat-drenched slog of willpower-driven perspiration.

The problem is, many of us confuse the two:

We take the inspiration that initially motivated us and, somewhere along the way, replace it with pure effort and force of will. We condition ourselves to associate progress with stress, struggle, and exhaustion. And because we’ve invested so much in walking this path, we become blind to the fact that it’s taking us nowhere.

This is where the sunk cost fallacy creeps in. We think, “I’ve come this far; I can’t stop now”, or, “If I just push a little harder, it’ll all pay off”.

So, we double down. We ignore the signs that life and TRUTH are nudging us in a different direction. We stop listening to ourselves and life because we don’t trust either.

The end result? We bang our heads against the same metaphorical wall, again and again, convinced that persistence will somehow make things work but it never can because force is always unreal and we can only get results in reality.

The Itch That Can’t Be Scratched

Living in this state is like having an itch you can’t scratch. No matter what you achieve or how hard you try, there’s a nagging sense that something is missing. It might show up as frustration, stress, or even a low-level existential dread.

Some people stay in this cycle their whole lives (what Thoreau called “Lives of quiet desperation”). They keep forcing, chasing, and striving, waiting for a breakthrough that never comes. Others burn out, defeated by the constant stress and pressure of carrying the world on their shoulders.

But for a lucky few, something clicks. They get the message. They realise that the wall they’ve been banging their head against isn’t real. In fact, it never was. That’s when they can finally say “Enough is enough” and start making some REAL changes.

The Moment of Realisation

I’m speaking from experience here. I used to be a wall-banger extraordinaire. Every day, I’d throw myself into my goals, thinking that if I just pushed hard enough, I’d break through. But all I got in the end was frustration and a growing sense of dissatisfaction.

Then, one day, it hit me: there was no wall. The only thing I was banging against was myself – my own resistance, my own mistrust, my own unwillingness to let go. My own EGO.

That moment of realisation was both humbling and liberating. I saw that all my effort, all my forcing, wasn’t making life better; it was making me miserable. And the only way forward was to stop. To let go.

Letting Go and Trusting

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means releasing the need to control everything and trusting that life has its own rhythm, its own flow. It’s about recognising that real growth doesn’t come from forcing; it comes from allowing things to happen and making them work in aligment with our real vision.

When you let go, you create space. Space for clarity, for inspiration, for alignment. You start to notice the signs and signals you missed before because you were too busy pushing. You reconnect with yourself and with life.

This isn’t always easy. Trust requires vulnerability. It asks you to surrender the illusion of control and embrace the unknown. But here’s the paradox: the more you let go, the more life tends to work out. Not always in the way you expected (because those expectations were often just ego anyway), but often in a way that’s far better.

Getting Real

Realness isn’t something you achieve by force. It’s something you uncover by peeling back the layers of ego, fear, and resistance. It’s about stepping off the path of ‘should’ and onto the path of TRUTH.

When you stop forcing and start trusting, you align with what’s real. You stop living in service of the ego – with its endless demands and insecurities – and start living in service of your REALNESS of being.

And here’s the beautiful thing: when you’re real, life gets real too. You meet the right opportunities, relationships, and experiences not because you’re chasing them, but because you’re ready for them.

The Courage to Mix Things Up

Let’s be honest: admitting you’re on the wrong path is hard. It takes courage to stop, reassess, and pivot. But staying on an unreal path just because you’ve invested time and energy into it is even harder.

If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, or disconnected, take a step back. Ask yourself: Am I forcing this? Am I listening to myself and life? Am I chasing an idea of ‘success’ that isn’t even mine and has nothing to do with my real values?

Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is let go of what’s not working and trust that something better will take its place.

It’s Way Better

Trusting life doesn’t mean you won’t face challenges. It doesn’t mean everything will magically fall into place without effort or real action. But it does mean you’ll stop wasting your energy on things that aren’t aligned with your realness.

When you trust, you step into a creative state of wholeness. You stop reacting to life and start co-creating with it. You find flow, ease, and a sense of purpose that no amount of forcing can ever replicate.

So…if you’re still banging your head against the wall, maybe it’s time to pause and ask yourself: Is this real? Or am I just caught in the illusion that it’s all up to me?

Let go. It’s way better. And trust me, real life is waiting on the other side.

Stay real out there,

Victimhood to Responsibility: Taking the Wheel

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Life Philosophy/Coaching/Mindset/Personal Revolutions

Letting Go of ‘Victimhood’ and Growing REAL

Your cat died. My kidneys failed. The neighbours got burgled. The wind knocked over a tree, and now your car’s a write off. Life, in its unfiltered glory, can be a mess.

As the old saying says: “Shit happens”.

Deal with it.

Okay, maybe that’s a touch melodramatic (you can keep the violins), but here’s a reality check: everybody has problems. Your bad day doesn’t cancel someone else’s struggles, just as their hardships don’t erase yours. The truth of life is simple: adversity and struggle are universal – the great levellers, something that unites us all. But what separates us is how we choose to respond.

…and here’s another kicker: no one is coming to save you.

Before you get defensive, let’s unpack this. There’s a huge difference between being a victim of circumstance and choosing to live in the mindset of victimhood.

Yes, bad things happen – sometimes (often) through no fault of our own. But what comes next? That’s where responsibility, empowerment, and the very essence of your personal power come into play – in other words, your REALNESS.

Victimhood: The Loop of Powerlessness

Labelling yourself as a ‘victim’ may feel like a comforting balm in the short-term. You get sympathy, attention, maybe even a sense of moral high ground. But here’s the unspoken truth: victimhood is a trap, and a selfish one at that.

Why? Because when you act as though your problems take precedence over everyone else’s, you’re effectively saying: “My pain matters more than yours” and you end up getting lost to your EGO (which makes all problems worse).

It’s an unintentional but insidious form of narcissism. You’re not just asking for support; you’re demanding others shift their focus away from their lives to validate your struggle. Over time, this mindset doesn’t just alienate others – it robs you of agency. Every time you dwell on the unfairness of your situation, you’re giving your power away to the very thing you feel oppressed by and you become more and more unreal.

Let’s not sugarcoat it: victimhood is disempowering. It’s reactive. It tells the world – and yourself – that you’re at the mercy of circumstances beyond your control. It turns life into something that happens to you, rather than something you actively play a role in creating (though you can’t control everything but you can do your best and accept the rest).

But what if you could flip the script?

Responsibility: The Creative State

Here’s the secret to transforming your life: responsibility is freedom.

Yes, even when things seem unfair. Responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. It doesn’t mean pretending bad things didn’t happen. It means recognising that, while you can’t always control what happens to you, you can control your response.

Responsibility is creative. It’s proactive. It’s REAL. It’s the mindset that asks, “What can I do to move forward?” rather than, “Why me?”

(And – if you didn’t know – life is always moving forward so you might as well choose to move with it towards wherever you’re going).

Let’s take a deeper dive:

Stop seeking sympathy. Every time you hunt for another dose of “poor you” validation, you’re reinforcing your own sense of powerlessness. Sympathy might feel ‘good’ in the moment (in a weird way), but it doesn’t solve anything. In fact, it often keeps you stuck. Instead, try focusing on UNCONDITIONAL SELF-ACCEPTANCE. Acknowledge your pain as a signal that something needs to change, but don’t wallow in it and make it worse.
Don’t wear your problems like a badge of honour. Having problems doesn’t make you noble. Handling them with courage, grace, and determination does. When you focus on overcoming challenges rather than basking in them, you not only empower yourself but inspire others to do the same.
Shift your focus to solutions. Here’s a hard truth: nobody else is going to fix your life for you. But the good news is, you’re not powerless. There’s almost always something you can do – however small – to start changing course and putting yourself on a different path. You don’t have to try and ‘fix’ everything – you just have to LET GO of the things that stop you TRUSTING yourself and life to get where you need to be (and, in this case, that’s all of the underlying emotions and patterns that lead to ‘victimhood’).
Embrace gratitude – even for your problems. This might sound absurd, but think about it: if you didn’t have the problems you’re currently dealing with, you’d likely have others. And they might be worse. The challenges you face today are shaping you, testing you, and teaching you something. Find the lesson, and you’ll find the strength to keep moving forward – at the end of the day, you can only ever learn the same thing: to let go of the fragments and to find the WHOLE of yourself and life.

The Myth of the World’s Cruelty

Most of the problems we face aren’t because the world is “out to get us.” More often than not, they’re just the by – products of existing in an unpredictable, chaotic universe and then projecting our own ‘stuff’ out onto that chaos. Trees fall. Cars break down. People make mistakes. This isn’t punishment – it’s life.

The ‘meaning’ that we project onto these events (because of underlying shame, guilt, and/or trauma usually) can make life seem like a punishment. What it actually means, though, is that we’re punishing ourselves by holding onto something unreal.

Of course, that’s not to say ‘bad’ things don’t happen at the hands of ‘bad’ people. But even in those moments, how you choose to respond defines whether you stay trapped in victimhood or rise into your power.

Victimhood says, “Why is the world doing this to me?” Responsibility says, “What can I do about it?”

This doesn’t mean denying your pain or pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It means refusing to let your pain define you.

The Paradox of Responsibility

Maybe it’s ironic but responsibility can feel like a burden, but it’s actually a gift. Taking ownership of your life – even the messy, unfair, chaotic parts – sets you free. It reminds you that, no matter how bad things get, you always have a choice.

The Blessing and the Curse of Autonomy: Realising that your life is in your hands is both terrifying and liberating. It’s terrifying because there’s no one else to blame. But it’s liberating because it means you hold the power to change things.
Resilience Through Ownership: When you stop waiting for someone to save you and start taking action – even in small, incremental steps – you build resilience. And resilience is what allows you to face life’s curveballs without falling apart.

The Trap of Escapism

Victimhood is often an escape strategy that makes problems wors. It’s easier to blame external circumstances than to confront the hard truth: life is difficult, and there’s no escaping that. But here’s the thing – accepting this truth is strangely comforting. When you stop resisting the reality of challenges, you free up energy to actually tackle them.

As the old saying goes, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.”

Choosing responsibility over victimhood doesn’t eliminate pain, but it does eliminate unnecessary suffering.

Moving Forward

So, where does this leave you? If you’ve been stuck in the cycle of victimhood, don’t despair. Recognising the pattern is the first step towards breaking it (Awareness, Acceptance, and Action – works every time!).

Here’s a simple exercise to get started:

Identify one area of your life where you feel powerless.
Ask yourself: What can I do to change this, even slightly?
Take one small action today. It doesn’t have to be big. The important thing is to start.

Remember: responsibility isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. It’s about taking ownership of your life, one step at a time…that’s how life unfolds for all of us.

Final Thoughts

Nobody’s saying life is easy. It’s messy, unpredictable, and sometimes downright brutal. But it’s also beautiful, filled with opportunities to learn, create, and GROW REAL.

When you embrace responsibility, you reclaim your power. You stop being a passive participant in your own life and start shaping your relationship with reality and your life as a whole – in doing so, you not only improve your own experience but inspire others to do the same.

So, the next time life knocks you down, remember: you’re stronger than you think. And while no one is coming to save you, that’s okay. Because you’ve got this.

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number six in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness