Posts related to coaching and coaching philosophy so you can get RESULTS and live a better life.

Hacking the Unconscious Mind: A Psychological Hack for REALNESS


Changing Your Life by Using a Psychological Hack to Work With Your Unconscious Mind Instead of Against It.

Oh, hi there.

In this article, I’m going to give you a psychological hack that will change your life if you implement it.

Why would you need this hack?

Well, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get certain results in life, but those results are forever out of reach, then this hack is going to help you.

It’s going to help you to dig into your unconscious intentions and to step away from the surface level way of seeing and viewing things by helping you to DIG DEEPER so that you can reset or reconfigure what’s going on down in the depths of yourself and allow something real to surface.

Without using this ‘hack’, you’re just going to end up rearranging the furniture on the titanic whilst it still sinks because you’ll only be dealing with the SYMPTOMS, not the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM (which is always a disconnection from your own realness).

In other words, without this hack you’ll feel like you’re chasing things and making progress but actually you’ll only running on the spot – because the things that you’re chasing are, not something that you want as much as you think you want. They’re just an extension of your ego as you attempt to fill the void (which is the illusion of disconnection).

So why would you want to implement this hack that I’m about to share with you?

It’s quite simple: A lot of people out there in the world – and you may be one of them – find themselves in situations where they’re constantly chasing something and they can never quite find it.

So, for example, maybe you’re chasing your dream relationship; maybe you’re trying to get more money; maybe you have some kind of a goal for your business or whatever it is, and…it just never happens.

A lot of the time we think that the core problem in attaining whatever it is that we want is that there’s some external thing, force or factor out there in the world that is preventing us and holding us back from acquiring or attaining whatever it is.

So, for example, in the case of relationships, we will just say to ourselves something like, “The world is going to hell, everyone’s a degenerate, and there’s only low quality men/women out there and it’s impossible to find a partner. Everyone’s so selfish and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

That’s an example of some externalised bullshit thing, and – if you externalise everything – you take your power out of your hands.

With the ‘money’ thing, maybe it’s the same thing, right?

You’ll say, “Well, there’s some external force out there in the world, the illuminati or whatever, and they’re holding me back from making money. And we live in an economy that’s fuelled by scarcity and yada, yada, yada. And I’m just always going to be poor.”

And so the externalisation of your goal basically puts you in a frame of mind where you’re never going to get it.

But here’s the truth:

Ultimately, the problem is not just the externalisation, but the fact that the externalisation is affecting the results that you get. And the results that you get are always showing you what you are actually choosing at an unconscious level.

This is where this ‘stuff’ gets a little bit offensive to some people but that’s what the truth often does (“The truth will set you free (but first it will piss you off and make you miserable”).

But ultimately, in these two examples that I just picked to pieces, if you can’t find your dream partner – even though you’re telling yourself that’s what you want – there is something going on inside you deep down where your actual, real intention is not to find your dream partner. And we’ll dig into that in a minute.

With the money thing, as, counterintuitive as it sounds – because obviously, we all love money, it makes life meaningful (joke) – if you can’t bring money into your life, well, for some reason, you are choosing not to, even though at the conscious level of the mind and the ego, you’re telling yourself that is your intention.

Actually, the reason these things keep staying out of grasp is because, when you dig into it, you’ll find at some level, you are choosing something else more than the relationship or the money.

The ‘hack’ that we’re about to talk about is about learning to understand that is that we can reverse engineer and figure out our REAL CHOICES that we’re making (unconsciously) by the results that we’re getting.

In other words, we’re going to learn to start looking inside ourselves and saying, “Hang on, what the hell is going on here to cause me to think and to tell myself one thing, but to choose the opposite?”

I’m going to give you some examples.

So, let’s start with some examples of imaginary people that sum up some kind of common ways this shows up in the world.

So let’s say, for example, the first person is an individual called Susie (just pulled that out of my ass):

For the last decade, Susie has either been single or in a bad relationship that didn’t last very long. And, on those long, lonely nights where she sat at home watching Netflix and eating Cheetos, she keeps telling herself that she does want a relationship.

The little hamster wheel in her head keeps thinking about relationships and how good life would be if she could get in a relationship. And then every so often, somebody comes along who seems like they might be a good fit. But as soon as they get involved with each other, Susie starts inexplicably becoming hypercritical and pushing these people away. Or, she can’t help but just focus on their flaws to the extent that she becomes totally turned off.

And then after a couple of weeks, couple of months, whatever is, the relationship kind of dwindles and dies. And poor Susie is back at home watching Netflix with all that Cheeto, dust over her mouth.

So that’s not good, is it?

Or maybe there’s another imaginary character called Bob who wants to start his own business. And he keeps telling himself that he’s going to be really successful. He’s going to do whatever it takes to get this business up and running so that he can make loads of money and support his family or wherever he wants to do.

And, he kind of knows the way forward: he’s created a business plan and a vision, and he’s done some market research and so on and so forth.

But, for some reason, when it’s time to go out there and start talking to potential clients or to communicating with people about his ideas, he always finds something else to do.

For example, maybe he just goes and spends time on social media telling himself that this is “research” or that he’s finding new ways to connect with people or some other BS story.

But ultimately, even though he keeps telling himself every morning when he wakes up that “today is the day” he’s going to actually fix his business and get where he needs to be, he just keeps procrastinating. He never gets anywhere. And even though he’s telling himself the same old story again and again and again, he starts to feel a bit insane because nothing ever changes.

Or what about this final example?

We have an imaginary woman or called Melissa and she’s a little bit overweigh and she doesn’t want to be because it’s taking too much energy – she can’t get up the stairs quite as fast as she used to without getting out of breath; she’s becoming insecure about the way that she looks, and she’s worried that people are secretly judging her as she walks down the street and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So she keeps telling herself that she’s going to go to the gym and she’s going to lose weight, she’s going to watch her diet, and that she’s making a choice for a healthier lifestyle so she can lose some weight and start to feel good about herself but – for some unknown reason -nothing ever changes:

She goes to the gym and she just kind of goes through the motions. She doesn’t really put any effort in or push herself to the edge, so her heart rate doesn’t go up, and she doesn’t burn any calories. And, when she does go home because she’s been to the gym, she ends up stuffing her face with whatever it is – some kind of a food reward that she feels she deserves.

And so six months into this exercise regime, despite this health and fitness program that she’s put herself on, nothing has changed – even though she’s been telling herself, keeps telling herself that she wants to make these changes, she’s just as overweight as she was and so she feels like banging her head against the wall.

What is going on in these examples?

A Mini Psychological Hack for Getting What You Want: Reverse Engineer Your Complaints

So, before we get onto the main ‘hack’, here’s a little ‘mini-hack’ that’s going to show you how to know if you have this kind of issue going on in your life:

The key here is to know that if you keep complaining about something, if you keep lamenting about something, then probably you have this kind of inner conflict that we’re talking about where you’re telling yourself you want something, but for some reason, there is something else going on inside you that is actually causing you to choose either the opposite or something else.

And the reason that complaining is a sign is because, ultimately, if you keep complaining about something, it means you’re keeping a problem in your life but you’re choosing not to solve it.

If you truly become aware of a problem and you truly accept what a problem is, then you will either do something about it and no longer have the problem, or you will just have to accept that it’s a fundamental part of life and reality. And so by going through the process of moving towards acceptance, you’ll no longer have anything to complain about (and, thus, the ‘problem’ dissolves).

And so complaining constantly about the same thing – not finding a relationship, not being able to lose weight, not being able to make money, or whatever it is – complaining constantly and chronically is a sign that your ego is invested in this story about a certain goal and a certain desire but – deep down beneath the surface of yourself – you have an inner conflict that is causing you to choose something else for some reason.

Stop and think about it now for a second:  what are you always complaining about?

The odds are very high that if you’re always complaining about it, then in some weird, backwards way, you’re choosing it, and you need to figure out why, so that you can put yourself on a real path and actually either resolve whatever it is that you’re complaining about or to let it go, because you accept that you don’t really want to change things (which is totally fine, btw).

You Can Reverse Engineer Your Real Intentions for Yourself and Your Life by the Results that You Keep Getting.

So this is where we come on to a deeper exploration of the main psychological ‘hack’ that I promised you at the start of this article:

It’s very simple. And ultimately it’s this:

You can reverse engineer your real intentions for yourself and your life by the results that you keep getting.

Let’s look at the examples we already explored:

If you consistently can’t find a relationship – that’s the result that you’re getting – then it just means that your true, unconscious intention is NOT to be in a relationship at some level – no matter what you’re telling yourself at the level of the ego (your constructed identity and all of the stories that you feed through it about life).

And I know that’s going to piss some people off because, of course, if you’re telling yourself you want a relationship and you’re going out there and you’re getting involved in all kinds of, unsavoury situations with people because you’re “trying to get in a relationship”, then of course you want a relationship.

So I’m probably chatting BS, right?

But no…if you consistently get the result of not getting the relationship that you want, then you’re choosing this result deep down for some reason – and this psychological hack of reverse engineering from the results is going to allow you to free yourself because when you understand why you have that deeper intention for something else then you can flip the script and start changing things.

(This deeper intention could be anything, and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that because it’s unconscious so it’s not really your “fault” or anything, but it is still your desire, your true intention, even though it’s unconscious).

It’s the same with all of these results that I’ve given as example:

If you keep saying that you want to get more money from your business or whatever but it never happens and you’re just running around on the hamster wheel for years and years and years, then you don’t really want that (shock! Horror!) – at some level you have the intention for something else more and you need to dig inside yourself to figure out what that might be.

It’s the same with losing weight or anything (like literally anything):

If you keep telling yourself that you want a certain thing – you want to lose weight in this example now – and it doesn’t happen, then you need to ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really want? I’m telling myself I want to lose weight. But when I dig down into my shadow and to the parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself behind ego, what is actually going on?”

And that is the psychological hack again: 

The results that you get consistently, no matter what you’re telling yourself, actually show you what you are choosing deep down, more than whatever it is that you ‘think’ you want.

And that doesn’t mean that these things are ‘bad’ or that you’re chasing things that you shouldn’t be chasing. It just means that you haven’t actually done any work around inner awareness and acceptance of yourself to see what is actually driving your motivation more than – and that’s the key “more than” – whatever it is that you think you want.

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This article is based on a transcript from this video (check out my YouTube Channel).

If you’re not getting the results that you want then you need to be increase Awareness, cultivate Acceptance, and then take inspired ACTION

So let’s talk quickly about what you need to do once, you become AWARE of this hack – that’s always the first step: Awareness.

I’m always talking about the same thing: Awareness, Acceptance and Action (any transformational journey will require that you walk through these three steps).

If you’re not getting the results that you want, then ultimately you need start by becoming more aware be aware – in this case, of not getting the results you want, it starts by becoming aware of the fact that this is because you are (deep down in the unconscious) choosing something else MORE.

And it doesn’t matter what you’re telling yourself – the little voice in our head is just our social programming, our self-hypnosis, our response to our own emotional bullshit and stuff going on deep down inside ourselves and it’s just a surface level relationship with ourselves…it’s not REAL (“the ego is the opposite of reality”).

But there is a deeper level relationship that we all have – the most real relationship – and it is always driving our lives.

And so if you want to know more about this real relationship, you need to go through that first step that I shared with you of flipping the script and saying to yourself, “Right, these are the results I keep getting. Why might I be choosing that at some level?”

To get to the next level and go through the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, you simply need to start asking yourself the right questions so that you can dive deep into yourself and really get a grasp of why you in particular – based on what you’ve been through, your life story, who you are, etc. – why you in particular would have some kind of unconscious intention for something else.

So let’s say, for example, in the examples I gave earlier, the first person I think was an imaginary human being called Susie or something like that, whatever her name was,  kept telling herself that she wanted a relationship, but as soon as somebody came along, she would become hypercritical and she would push them away.

And so, just as an example, the story that she’s telling herself about what she thinks she wants, what she thinks she has chosen, is actually being overridden outside of her awareness with a deeper desire she has for freedom, let’s say – because when she was younger her parents were always arguing about little things and so on and so forth, and so she is paranoid about getting in a relationship, that’s also going to be fuelled by that kind of negativity (this is based on her imaginary life story).

So – as a protective barrier – she started getting critical and pushing people away so that she can maintain her freedom and not have to relive that experience from her childhood.

Maybe that’s all bullshit, right? I’ve just literally pulled that out of my ass. But the point is, there is some overriding desire that is driving you more than whatever it is that you keep telling yourself you desire but don’t get.

So in the case of Susie, she actually desires freedom more than a relationship, even though -for whatever reason (maybe because she just wants to fit into society and she thinks it’s what she’s supposed to do) – she keeps telling herself that’s what she wants.

In the example of, Bob, who is working on his business, he keeps telling himself that success is what he really wants:

“Okay, I want my business to succeed so I can provide for my family, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

But deep down, he doesn’t want his business to succeed:

There’s an overriding, desire for that because that’s his unconscious intention and it’s driving his life. And it might simply be because his dad, when he was a kid, was always away at work so Bob felt neglected and unloved and so he doesn’t actually want to replicate that relationship with his own kids.

And so, even though he feels like the best thing to do is to start his own business and to be successful, he actually has a stronger desire to just spend time with his kids. And, so ultimately there’s some kind of an inner conflict, but based on the results that he’s getting, that inner desire, the unconscious intention to simply just spend more time with his kids and not be so busy like a workaholic or whatever, that is actually overriding his choices and the things that he actually decides to do in life.

(Even though, ironically, if he could find a way – in this hypothetical example – to make his business work, then eventually he could spend more quality time with his kids because maybe they’ll have more money so he could pay people to work on his business or whatever)

The point is this (and it’s the same for anybody with this problem):

Even though he’s telling himself one story, there is something going on that is making him choose not to succeed in the way that he is telling himself he wants, and so he ends up writing a totally different story instead.

In the final example Melissa – who keeps telling herself she wants to lose weight and she just can’t do it – well, again, as offensive as it may seem to some people, there is something going on inside her where she is telling herself that she wants to lose weight, but deep down her real intention is not to.

It could be something really simple:

For example, maybe she’s worried that if she, does lose weight, then she’s suddenly going to be more attractive to the opposite sex. And then she’s just going to have loads of guys flinging themselves at her. And she’s actually insecure because she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable because she’s never really been in a relationship or whatever it is.

And so again (in this hypothetical example), her fear has has created an unconscious intention where she wants to be alone so that she actually can choose not to face her vulnerabilities and to grow towards intimacy in a relationship.

These are all just examples, but the point is that there will be something going on inside you exactly like this if you have this kind of problem.

If you’re constantly running around in circles, never getting anywhere and never making any changes in your life, then it’s purely because at some level there is something in you that is causing you to choose NOT to get whatever it is that you think you want – and all you need to do really, to start solving this problem and unblocking yourself, is to raise awareness of what this “something” might be.

If you raise awareness of it, you start to look at it head on. It’ll start to dissolve. But then – more importantly – once you go to awareness, you can accept it. And only if you accept it can you start to truly flip the script by replacing that intention with something real or, modifying the way that you go about ACTING on it.

When you get here, you can increase your odds of getting whatever it is that you think you want by upgrading it to something that you actually want.

Implementation: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action (It Works Every Time)

So, that was a lot of examples but let me quickly conclude and review by exploring a little more about the three-step process that is going to allow you to implement this psychological hack: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

To raise AWARENESS, you need to use the hack that we’ve been talking about, which is, to reverse engineer the real intentions that are driving you and bubbling away beneath the surface of your ego and your relationship with yourself.

Like we said, you can reverse engineer by looking at the RESULTS you keep getting that you don’t want or that you keep complaining about.

If you do this then you can become more AWARE literally right now. That sounds very dramatic but it’s true: become aware that if you keep complaining about things, nothing is changing, then at some m level you are choosing it.

This awareness is the gateway to setting yourself free.

I may be painful in the short term, but – believe it or not (try it and find out!) –  in the long term, it’s going to put you on this path to changing things.

So that’s the first step. Awareness: reverse engineer based on the results you keep getting.

The second step after raising this awareness is that you need to ACCEPT whatever that real intention is.

And so ultimately, all you need to do is to ask yourself the right questions:

“Why might I, me – based on my experience and the things that I’ve been through – why might I have this unconscious intention for not getting what I keep telling myself what I think I want? What do I want even more that I’m actually chasing?”

And the key thing to remember here when it comes to acceptance is that “acceptance” ultimately means you’re going to be uncovering some truth – some reality –  about what’s going on inside you.

And, the thing with truth/reality is the only thing that you can do with it is ACCEPT it. You can’t judge it – if you start judging it, you’re taking yourself out of reality

The reason I’m saying this is because the only thing you need to do with your unconscious intention is to figure out what it is – based on reverse engineering those results – and then accept it without any judgment.

Like I said, an unconscious intention is still your intention, whether you’re initially aware of it or not. But it’s not something that you can judge or blame yourself for or you need to feel bad about.

If you have been saying yourself that you want a certain thing, but there’s something going on inside you that’s actually causing you to choose the opposite of that…well, it’s because of what you’ve been through; it’s because of the story that you’ve already lived and the way that you’re relating to it, based on your shame, guilt and trauma and all your underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that’s caused you to live in a little box (aka the ego).

And so the final point is this: just accept it. That’s all you need to do. Don’t judge yourself, accept it.

Once you have this ACCEPTANCE, then you have a solid foundation so that you can move on to the third stage, which is taking ACTION.

In this case, the action is twofold:

  1. You either need to modify your relationship with the thing that you originally thought you wanted by realising that you’ve got this unconscious block getting in the way and then readjusting the plan that you’re going to implement as you move towards it.
  2. You can replace the unconscious intention with a totally different intention. And all that means is that you ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really want? What is my vision for my life? What are my true values? What are my true intentions? And how do they conflict with what I have just uncovered about myself?”

    And then basically what you need to do is to train yourself – and I’ve got some other articles etc. about that on this site or a free 7-Day Course here – train yourself to think in alignment with the higher intentions and to not let this unconscious ‘stuff’ hold you back when it doesn’t need to.

So that is basically we need to say about this hack and how you can use it:

You look at the results that you keep getting that you don’t want and you find yourself complaining about chronically and consistently with nothing ever changing.

Then you can say to yourself now, “Okay, this is actually a sign that at some level, for whatever reason – and whatever reason that may be is fine – I am choosing not to acquire or to achieve or to attain whatever it is that I keep telling myself I need to be bringing into my life.

On a day-to-day practical level, this hack will and can change the game for you and it’s very simple and will cut out a lot of wasted time and energy because you won’t be running around in circles trying to change things that are out of your control.

The only thing ultimately any of us have power over, is our relationship with ourselves and so if you go through the process of AWARENESS – of understanding, that you can reverse engineer the results to figure out what you’re really choosing –  ACCEPTANCE (of whatever actually has caused you to choose something else or whatever it is that you are choosing instead more than what you think you want), and then ACTION in the sense of modifying your intentions and actions or replacing the unconscious intention with something else, you stand a much higher chance of getting where you want to be in life, feeling good, growing real and having a good time whilst you’re here.

Ultimately, we’re all going to die and so you might as well make sure that what you’re actually spending your time out there in the world running around chasing is something that you really want.

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Unlocking Your Core Values: A Guide to Living Your REAL Life


What your REAL core values are and how to live them.

Let’s talk about values:

I’m a coach. Coaches love talking about values, and that’s because values are so important – if you know what your values are, you can translate them into action or – if you want to go even deeper – a sense of purpose. When you do this, your life is going to be in alignment with who you really are.

So in this article, I’m going to show you a process that you can go through so that you can figure out what your values actually are because a lot of people are actually just running around on autopilot, living out values that aren’t even theirs. They’re just values that they picked up from society or from their parents or from the government, or from aliens in outer, space or whoever the hell it is.

And so you might need to do a little bit of inner work – which sounds painful, but it isn’t – a little bit of work, let’s say, to figure out what you actually think and feel and value so that you can start to design things in a way that is going to make your life more real, you more aligned in general, and is going to allow you to go deeper into experiencing the amazing feeling of being real because you’ll have tapped into your realness and you’ll be doing something with it -instead of just running around on autopilot.

So if that sounds good, keep reading because you’re probably going to learn some stuff about yourself. And all human beings like to learn things about themselves – after all, that’s one of our defining characteristics as a species.

What are core values and how do you define them.

Here we go. So let’s begin with a definition of what core values even are like. It’s one of these words that we’ve all heard, “values, values, values”. It’s all over the place. But what the hell are values anyway?

The simplest definition that I can come up with is that ‘values’ are just things that matter to you. But when we say “things” here, we actually mean abstract, intangible qualities. We’re not talking about things like material things in the world, although you can value those things, but that doesn’t mean that they’re your values.

Actually, your values are the intangible qualities behind the things. So let’s say, for example, you’re dreaming of getting a Lamborghini. I always use that example. Maybe subconsciously I want to get a Lamborghini. I don’t have one because I’m not rich. But anyway, let’s say you want to get a Lamborghini. That is not one of your values. You can find Lamborghinis valuable, but your values are actually the thing behind your desire to get the Lamborghini.

And if you dig into it, ask yourself why, it’ll boil down to certain things like ‘freedom’ (an intangible quality). You’ve got a picture in your head of you buzzing around in this Lamborghini, driving like a maniac and listening to Limp Bizkit (that’s what I’d be doing) -and that feeling of freedom that you envisaged is actually the value that is pulling you in that direction.

Maybe as you’re driving around in this Lamborghini, people are going to be looking at you and they’re going to think you’re like an amazing, sexy, successful person. And there’s a value there probably around ‘status’ or feeling ‘significant’ or something like that – and you could go on all day looking at the goal behind the goals which is always a value and that is going to show you who you really are ultimately and what you’re actually  looking for in life.

Now, the important thing here is that when you understand it’s not just about the surface level details of the things, but the abstract, intangible qualities that matter to you beneath the things that you think you are chasing, then you also have the added benefit of being able to detach from the external goal and to start building things on that real foundation of the inner qualities that you’re actually seeking.

If  you realize that, “Okay, by chasing this Lamborghini and listening to Limp Bizkit and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I’m actually chasing freedom”, well, you can still decide to keep chasing the Lamborghini if you want, or you can step back and you say, “Okay, right now I don’t have enough money in my bank account to go out and buy a Lamborghini and listen to Limp Bizkit – but there are many other ways that I can bring freedom, my core value of freedom, into my life.”

And, then you can make a list. You say, “Right, okay, I’m going to go fishing on the canal right now, or I’m going to go for a hike, or I’m going to quit my job just because, why not?”

Etc. You could go on forever. But the point is, if you understand the goal behind the goals – which is always a value based thing – then the goal is still important. But you can be outcome-independent in your approach towards it. And you can also realize that there are many, many other ways for you to get the things that are truly important in your life into your life.

And that is why it’s so important to understand what values are and how you can go about bringing them into your day to day existence. So, the definition, just to keep this clear, is that your core values are intangible qualities or abstract qualities that matter to you and that are driving the goals that you are out there chasing.

Let’s keep going.

Your core values shape and colour your whole life.

This is getting interesting. So what we’ve learned so far is that our core values are very important. That’s kind of stating the obvious, because, as I said, we all know values are important. But they’re more important than we may think, actually, because they’re constantly driving the decisions that we make about our lives and what we want, the choices that we make about who we, are, how we show up, the relationships we get in, the goals that we chase, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Values basically shape and colour your whole life. And so if you’re not consciously aware of the values that you  hold and the reasons behind the things that you’re chasing and trying to bring into your life, then you  risk making a life for yourself that is not a true representation of your REALNESS are and what’s actually possible you in your true potential.

Now, this comes down to something that I’ve said many times. This whole site, if you don’t know, is about growing REAL.

If you put something real into your life, i.e. In this case, real values, then you’re going to get something real out. If you put something unreal into your life, then you’re going to get something unreal out.

And, we all want the real stuff, whether we know it or not. Because if we feel restless, frustrated, depressed, like there’s more to life, that we have a void, that we feel empty, or we need to rebel against the world or whatever it is, it means that we have been putting unreal values into our lives and so the current state of our lives is quite unreal.

And so if you want to make life feel deeper, if you want to make it feel like you’re more connected to it, then you need to make sure that the values that are driving your life are actually yours. And that’s why this is really important.

Some examples of core values.

So now I’m going to give you an overview about how you can figure out what your values are. You might need to reading and do some writing, or you could just read the whole thing and then you’ll figure it out.

Either way, the point is that if you actually sit down and do this – especially if you’ve never done anything like this before – then you’re going to be able to figure out what your values are, and then you can go start bringing the real stuff into your life by putting something real into it, instead of just running around on autopilot, filtering everything through the ego, and then getting something unreal.

So let’s start, with some examples from somebody really interesting. In this case…me!

My values, I have decided and determined after doing some of this work are health. And so I try to exercise every day, do yoga, go hiking on weekends. That’s one of my values. So I feel good when I do those things. Creativity is another – which is why in my coaching business, I work with a lot of creative people. And, my podcast, Creative Status, is about the creative process, because I just love creativity, so I need it in my life. And so that’s why I’ve made some choices about what to do with my business and what my podcast should focus on. I find those things very satisfying now because my values are embodied.

Freedom is another core value. If I don’t have freedom, I go mad and I get depressed – like all human beings, tbh – and that is why I have my own business. I don’t have some boss breathing down my neck, getting me to do spreadsheets and all that kind of bullshit that they make you do. That is the worst thing in the world for me. And so by, realising that that is my value and making choices around that value, I now feel good. It’s actually amazing.

Figuring out your values is quite simple. You say to yourself, “Okay, I value this”, and then you start acting on it. Life improves. You can trust me, because I’ve experienced this myself and seen my clients experience it too.

A final value is humour. I try to value humour because I like to think I’m an amusing person. But, I don’t know, there is a chance that I just think I’ve been funny when actually I’ve been annoying.

Who knows? But it’s one of my values, and it’s why I don’t take myself too seriously with these my writing or in anything else that I do, because I think, ultimately, life is just one big joke without a punchline. And so if you take it too seriously, you’re always going to lapse into being unreal. And ultimately, that is why I say these stupid things and I like to joke around with people in real life and, have relationships where people can have banter and so on and so forth. It’s very important to me.

Maybe you’re a humourless individual, that’s fine. Like, we don’t all have to share the same values. That’s one of the good things about values. They belong to us and we can define them as we choose to define them.

When defining your core values, you need to define them on your own terms.

When you’re defining your values, so in my case, the ones I’ve just said shared health,- freedom, creativity, and  humour –  what those words mean to me, because these are my values, is important.

If you say, “Well, actually, ‘health’ doesn’t mean doing yoga every day and going hiking, because if you do yoga every day, you’re putting your body through too much of [whatever bullshit thing someone might say]”, that’s fine.

But for me, doing yoga every day and going hiking embodies my value of health. That’s what health means to me: looking after myself to the greatest extent possible, my mind and my body, which is what yoga does. And then that’s fine.

Creativity means (to me, again) working on creative projects, duh. It means being present enough to make my unconscious conscious and blah, blah, blah. I won’t talk about that too much. But the point is, once you’ve understood the word, or once you’ve uncovered the word that encapsulates your value, well, the only definition that it really needs to meet is yours, because we’re talking about your values.

There’ll probably be overlap between my definition and your definition but the little nuances are, the things that are going to make it truly yours.

So just remember once you’ve figured out your own values, you need to define them on your own terms so you can truly make them yours. Let’s figure out how you can do that.

Any transformational journey involves three stages: Awareness, Acceptance, and (inspired) Action

If you find yourself on any kind of transformational journey in life, you’re ultimately going to end up walking through three stages, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. This is something I talk about all the time because I use that in my coaching practice.

Ultimately, Awareness, Acceptance, and Action are going to take you from where you are now to where you want to be. And it’s no different when it comes to your values and figuring out what they are and then translating them into action or a sense of purpose or whatever you want to do with them.

Now, Awareness is always the first starting point of these transformational journeys because it ultimately just means asking yourself different questions to the ones you normally do.

If you ask yourself different questions to what you usually do, then you’re going to get insight and you’re going to uncover some new truth or some reality that you may have been avoiding because of ego resistance or distortion or simple ignorance – or whatever it is – and you’re going to have a stronger foundation on which to build your life.

And when it comes to values, it’s exactly the same thing. If you want to take yourself through, a values elicitation exercise, which is what coaches like to call these things, then it starts with simple questions.

Although there are actually thousands of values elicitation exercises, I like to use two really simple questions which are kind of related. But if you ask them and answer them honestly and then reverse engineer the answers to figure out what values are embodied in said answers, you can actually learn a lot.

So the two questions are basically the same question in two different ways:

  1. When have you felt most alive or best in life?
  2. When have you felt least alive or worst in life?

Now, answering both is recommended, but just for the sake of brevity, I’ll start with the first question.

You can start to figure out what your core values are by asking the right questions.

When have you felt best or most alive?

In my case, a simple answer to that question goes like this (“Simple”. Simple is, okay):

I’ve felt best and most alive when I’m out in nature hiking. I didn’t mention it earlier, but nature is also one of my core values. But anyway, when I am out in nature hiking, I feel totally present, totally alive, totally connected to all of life around me. And I feel free. I feel totally free. And I’m also doing things which I feel like are, making me healthier. And so just in that simple example of hiking in nature, two of my values become really clear – if I look at the experience, not the concept of it, of hiking, the experience.

What do I feel in that moment? I feel free. I feel healthy and I feel alive. And so if I can take that as being a benchmark for how I want to feel all the time, I can say, “Okay, I value health, I value freedom. How else do I bring these Values into my life when I’m not out there hiking – just going about my day to day business or designing my lifestyle?

“Well, okay, I’m going to make sure I have freedom in my business, freedom in relationships. Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom. How do I bring that into my life?”

And so, if you can answer those simple questions, one, the other, or both, then you can do the same thing: you can start to figure out what your core values are. Now, if you need some inspiration, because obviously we’re dealing with abstract concepts here. Abstract qualities

There’s a big list of values here. Or, if you want to take it up a notch, I have a free course, a seven day course called the Seven Day Personality Transplant System, Shock For Realness And Life Purpose. Long ass title.

The first module of the course is about death and how you can use your time to make sure that you make real choices around your values. And the first exercise for day one of the course is about going through this big list of values and then prioritising what yours are so you can boil it down to your core five values. So you can do that or you can answer those questions.

The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose is a complete course with 158-page workbook for deep diving into your ‘stuff’ and growing REAL.

Either way, you don’t have to do loads of work. You just have to raise awareness, ask yourself the right questions and then say, “Okay, these are my values. Now what am I going to do with them?”

Let’s talk about that now.

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This article is based on a transcript from this video.

What to do with your core values once you’ve figured them out.

 Once you’ve raised awareness of your core values, you need to actually accept the value and then take action on it. Awareness, Acceptance, and Action – it’s always about these three things.

Accepting your values means basically that you’re going to commit to them. If you don’t commit to them, then you’re just going to kind of let the world push you around and you’re going to compromise on the quality of your lifestyle and all that kind of stuff. And you’re not going to get the values that you need to be brought into your life on a consistent basis. So you need to accept them, which is about committing to them – basically saying, “Oh, okay, this truly is my value and so I’m going to do something with it”.

Then you need to take action. Taking action means that you change your values or translate your values into goals. So let’s keep it simple. If you value ‘freedom’ and your life right now doesn’t really have that much freedom because you’ve got a job that you don’t like and, your relationship, for whatever reason, is kind of toxic or whatever it is (because in this imaginary example, you’ve got unhealthy boundaries, blah, blah, blah). You basically feel that there’s no freedom in your life.

Or let’s take another example, ‘creativity’. You realise that you value creativity because the time you felt most alive was when you were painting a picture or something. And so you’re like, “Okay, I need to bring more creativity into my life. But right now, there’s lack of it.”

Once you’ve committed to that value, because you acknowledge that it is a real part of who you are, you need to act on it and turn it into a goal. So all that means is you come up with something specific that you want to do with it.

Remember the Lamborghini example right at the start where we said it’s the goal behind the goal that makes the real difference.

Maybe you think, “Okay, I want to bring more freedom into my life. My job sucks, so I’m going to quit my job right now.”

It might not be time to quit your job, although you can still put yourself on the path to eventually quitting if you’re truly committed to that value instead. Maybe a better thing to do right now is to find something like hiking or yoga or whatever it is. I’m just using my own examples because I’m so self-cantered but, basically, you need to find something that is going to bring more freedom into your life until you’re ready to quit your job and bring creativity and freedom into your life to a greater degree.

Maybe it just means you set yourself a goal: Painting a picture at least once a week. Keep it simple. None of this needs to be complicated but the point is, the more that you accept those values and commit to them, the more likely you are to act on them once you figure out what the goal looks like. And, day by day, your life is going to become much more real.

Because, as I said earlier:

 Real in, real out; unreal in, unreal out.

And so if you start acting on the real stuff, with real goals based around your values, then your life is going to become much better.

You can do values elicitation work in a real way or an unreal way.

So the final thing I want to say is that – as with anything else in life – you can do this values elicitation work in a real way or an unreal way.

Real means, ultimately, that it’s putting you on the path towards wholeness. Wholeness, for simplicity, means a connection to yourself,  a connection to other people, and a connection to life itself. And you can only have that connection if you’re willing to face the truth.

The opposite of that is, fragmentation. Fragmentation means that you are divided within yourself and you’re identifying with a false version, aka the ego, because of underlying emotional stuff, shame, guilt and trauma, and because of social conditioning from the world telling you that you don’t deserve to live your real values, or that you’re not good enough to live your real values or any other bullshit like that.

Now, when it comes to values, we can fall into the trap that I kind of talked about at the start of the video, where we value surface level things that we think are going to fill the void within us rather than finding the things within us that have been denied and putting them out into the world.

That’s a really subtle distinction, but it makes a big, big difference in your life. And the way that I normally describe it to my clients is that you’re either running towards something real or away from something unreal.

You want to be running towards something REAL – which means you figured out the true values within you that are aligned with wholeness and the journey towards growth and expansion that we’re all on  (because everything in real life is changing and evolving).  If we’re not on track with that, if we’re not moving with it, then we’re always resisting and distorting our relationship with life behind ego (running away from the unreal because the ego is always an attempt to hide from unreal emotions).

If you can figure out the values that are aligned with that journey towards wholeness – that natural drive that we all have – then you’re going to put yourself in a better position to grow REAL.

These kind of values are things like truth, because without the truth, you’re not going to be able to really dive inside yourself and find anything truly of value. Creativity, because we’re all creative when we’re real, and creativity allows us to stay curious and work with uncertainty and keep moving, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, etc.

What I’m saying is there are some values that support your growth, other values that you only really value because you’re disconnected within yourself, because of underlying emotional stuff – usually shame, guilt and/or trauma. The second type (unreal) is going to show up as, things that actually seem attractive to the ego side of you, but they’re going to stop you from growing.

And that’s things like valuing money for the sake of money, not the goal behind the goal that I was talking about earlier with the Lamborghini example, where money is going to give you freedom, it’s going to allow you to give more, it’s going to allow you to do, the things you’ve always wanted to do and get experiences.

If you just value money for the sake of it, probably there’ll be some egotistical thing going on inside you where you think, “Okay, if I have money, then I’m going to fill the void inside myself”, which won’t happen (well… maybe in the short term, but it will be short-lived)

Or maybe you think,  I’m going to feel superior to other people, which is going to help me deal with this feeling of shame, blah, blah, blah.” The point is, there are real values that are going to make you real. There are unreal values that are going to make you feel okay in the short term, but they’re not really going to change anything. And so that is why you need to go through this process. I’m talking about of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

Remember that if you become aware and accept and act on something real, you get real out. And if you put something unreal in because you’re not being real with yourself, you’re just going to get unreal back.

That’s how life works. And so if you can figure out your real values, act on them, life gets a lot better. You’ll feel good, and you’ll ultimately end up where you need to be, whether you get the surface level goals that you think you need or not, because you know that the goal behind the goal is always a real value.

Join my mailing list if you want regular tips and insights about growing real and becoming more aligned with your creativity.

You’ll get access to my 7-Day Personality Transplant Video Course (with an exclusive 158-page workbook) when you sign up:

Your problems aren’t your problems.


The problem is NEVER the problem (but REAL ALWAYS WORKS)

This is a bold claim but one thing I’ve learned from my own journey and from coaching people is that the problems we think we have at the start of a transformational period in our lives are NEVER the actual problems.

(In other words: many of the issues we think we’re dealing with when we go into the process are revealed to have been unreal by the time we’re done – assuming the process has made us more REAL).

They sure might look like problems and may even be experienced as problems but actually they’re (almost) always SYMPTOMS of the same core issue in some way: a DISCONNECTION FROM OUR REALNESS.

This is especially true of problems that lingerany time they do you can be pretty sure that you’re clinging onto some kind of misperception or misinterpretation for the sake of keeping your ego/identity where it is (so you don’t have to face your emotional ‘stuff’ in dealing with things).

The problem (if you can even call it that) is an attachment to the unreal ‘stuff’ – for whatever reason – instead of a focus on the real.

Really, this is just a matter of ‘sense’ (whatever that is):

-If you really knew what a problem is then you would do something about it and no longer have a problem.

-If it lingers then it’s either just an inevitable facet of reality (“it is what it is, man”) and you’re actually just struggling to ACCEPT things or you want to cling to something unreal because it benefits you in some (usually emotional) way.

I know that sounds simplistic and complexity is very popular in relation to this personal growth ‘stuff’. It’s probably also offensive to some people too but I’m definitely not saying that when we’re in touch with our realness that it’s some sort of magical panacea – just that, when we unlearn the things keeping us from our realness, we can stop wasting time distracting ourselves trying to find ‘solutions’ to problems that really only exist in our minds alone.

Let’s break it down a little – here are the kind of things that people come to me with and the way these ‘problems’ show up for them with various SYMPTOMS.

Here’s a list of the symptoms people experience when disconnected from their realness and then the symptoms of these symptoms (just to add a little complexity for those of us that love such things):

Lack of Purpose: Feeling directionless, demotivated, and uncertain about life goals.

Unfulfillment: Lingering dissatisfaction, lack of enthusiasm, and emotional restlessness.

Disconnected Relationships: Feeling emotionally distant, struggling to communicate feelings, and experiencing loneliness.

Stagnation in Career: Lack of creativity, feeling unchallenged, and limited career growth.

Fear of Vulnerability: Avoiding sharing feelings, hesitating to express needs, and guarded interactions.

Emotional Restlessness: Mood swings, moments of anxiety, and difficulty finding emotional equilibrium.

Lack of Work-Life Balance: Constant stress, neglecting personal needs, and feeling overwhelmed.

Self-Doubt: Second-guessing decisions, feeling inadequate, and lacking confidence.

Relationship Struggles: Frequent arguments, difficulty understanding each other, and emotional distance.

Identity Crisis: Feeling lost, unsure of who he is, and questioning personal values.

Procrastination: Delaying important tasks, feeling guilty about productivity, and added stress.

Imposter Syndrome: Feeling like a fraud, attributing success to luck, and downplaying achievements.

Lack of Emotional Expression: Difficulty showing affection, bottling up feelings, and emotional detachment.

Limited Personal Growth: Fearing change, avoiding challenges, and missing out on learning opportunities.

Social Isolation: Few social interactions, feeling out of touch, and experiencing loneliness.

Regret and Guilt: Dwelling on past mistakes, feeling guilty about missed opportunities, and ruminating.

Unresolved Past Traumas: Triggered emotional responses, anxiety, and avoidance behaviours.

Comparison Trap: Constantly comparing to others, feeling inferior, and negatively affecting self-esteem.

Lack of Joy: Rare moments of happiness, feeling numb, and difficulty finding enjoyment.

Loss of Passion: Losing interest in hobbies, feeling uninspired, and lacking enthusiasm.

When you’re UNAWARE (and the first step to changing your life is always ‘Acceptance’) that the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM is always a sense of disconnect from your realness then the standard way of trying to handle these challenges is to choose one of the symptoms and focus on it.

Not only does this ignore the fundamental law that “WHAT WE FOCUS ON GROWS” (thus making things worse in the long run) it also causes us to be distracted from reality itself. 

Because reality is the only place where we can ever find any kind of solutions (again, just a matter of ‘sense’ – where else can we actually expect to get results besides reality?) this DISTRACTION just prevents us from getting what we really want (to be back in touch with our realness – even if we don’t know that consciously).

One way that I’ve seen this distraction show up for people (who become increasingly frustrated with themselves and life) is that they become SYMPTOM HOPPERS (just made that term up but it does the job).

Because they don’t get the RESULTS that they want (feeling good and like life is meaningful), they go through periods in their lives where they choose one of the above symptoms (or the symptoms of the symptom) and dedicate themselves to it for a short period (until they don’t get the results they want and so they move onto the next thing and then the next thing ad infinitum).

So, for example, maybe they’ll spend some time trying to get their creativity back (which they trick themselves into thinking is a cause of their career stagnation); or maybe they read some book about how ‘comparisons are odious’ and so they view their lives through a frame of not comparing themselves to others for a few weeks until it wears off and they move onto the next thing (because the frame was only CONCEPTUAL, not EXPERIENTIAL); maybe they’ll come up with a theory that if they can just stop procrastinating then all their problems will be solved and so they become extra disciplined for a few weeks (but don’t feel any better because they’re not DOING ANYTHING REAL because they didn’t get in touch with their realness FIRST).

All of these things are examples of “rearranging the furniture on the Titanic whilst it sinks” – they’re just ways of playing with the surface level details of our lives, externalising everything, and confusing ourselves by giving ourselves the illusion of growth and momentum whilst paradoxically staying the same at the same time.

You can save yourself years of friction, frustration, and misery by learning to focus on your REALNESS first and foremost.

When you do that all of these other symptoms take care of themselves because you’re not making the unreal CHOICES that lead to their perpetuation.

If this has spoken to you and you want some help with this ‘stuff’ then in touch by either booking a call or sending me an email or message. I’ve seen people get really fast results once they simply shift their focus to the REAL things instead of distracting themselves with SYMPTOM HOPPING and rearranging that furniture on the Titanic.

Join my mailing list if you want regular tips and insights about growing real and becoming more aligned with your creativity. You’ll get access to my 7-Day Personality Transplant Video Course (with an exclusive 158-page workbook) when you sign up:

Roadblocks: What to Expect When You Start Changing Your Life


This is quick post about what to expect when you start to step up and change your life.  It’s about the common roadblocks that you’ll probably face and what you can DO about them in order to ensure that they don’t hold you back (or, even worse, turn you off making the changes you want).

I worked with enough people over the years to notice that there are common patterns and problems that you’ll have to deal with when you’re on this journey and – just like anything in life – it’s never as simple or easy as it first seems (which is always a good thing, actually, as it helps you to grow more real more deeply).

As always “knowledge is power” (if you actually use it) and gaining an awareness and acceptance of these challenges will help you be better equipped to deal with them via continuous, focused action.

One thing that you can do to make life ‘easier’ for yourself is to expect these roadblocks or stages on your own path and not to feel ‘bad’ or to take them personally when you meet them – it’s never a personal thing at all: it’s just human beings being human beings and trying to cling to what they already know.

There are a few levels to this but they ultimately unfold in a fairly ‘logical’ sequence when you step back and look at things. As always, it all starts with your relationship with your SELF and then unpacks itself outwards from there.

If you didn’t have this roadblock ‘map’ then you might think it was just a simple case of deciding that you want to change your life then going out there and doing it (wouldn’t that be nice?).

Unfortunately, because we share the world with other people and their EGOs things almost always become more complicated than they need to be (and when you add our relationship with our OWN ego to the mix things get even more complicated).

The ‘good’ news is that because most of these roadblocks are just EGO ‘stuff’ then they’re not real and so you can train yourself to ignore them and go out there and keep doing your thing and growing real.

You will hopefully recognise yourself in some of these stages and be able to figure out where you are and where you’re going.

Here we go:

Stage 1:  The relationship with SELF

I’ve written about this a lot in my books and on this site already but it’s worth repeating here so you know what to expect.

The first stage of changing your life is waking up to an UNREAL relationship with yourself that’s holding you back from the life that you really want to be living.

It ultimately unfolds itself through a three step process: Awareness, Acceptance, & Action.

No matter who you are or what kind of transformation you’re trying to make in your life, this applies to all of us.

It essentially goes like this:


In the very early stages you start to become AWARE of the fact that your life needs changing in some way.

How this happens and what it looks like can be different for everybody but in general you’ll be aware of a feeling of dissatisfaction and a RESTLESSNESS that permeates everything you do.

Maybe your job isn’t as exciting as you thought it would be when you were younger or you relationships feel EMPTY; maybe you can’t sleep at night because you’re constantly thinking about things that aren’t good enough or that are missing.

Many people live like this for YEARS – because society has conditioned them to believe that this is how life is supposed to be and that we’re just supposed to do what we’re told and get what we’re given.

As time passes, people will become more and more aware of what they DON’T want (a certain kind of job, certain kind of relationships, etc.) and this will eventually get so bad that they need to shift into start asking themselves what they DO want.

This is when we tend to start asking some of the difficult questions about life:

“What do I want to do before I DIE?”

“What do I really VALUE?”

“Who is the REAL ME”?


Again, these questions will be different for all of us but the basic function of them is to raise our awareness about what we actually want from life instead of what we don’t want (which we currently have in these early stages).


Normally, the weight of living an UNREAL or inauthentic life will get too much to bear and people reach some kind of ‘crunch’ point.

In this crunch point they realise that the version of themselves they’ve been living as is unreal and is actually just a product of their conditioning and the beliefs they’ve picked up that life is something that just happens (not what they MAKE HAPPEN).

When the levels of AWARENESS get high enough or when things get ‘bad’ enough, people will go into this next stage of ACCEPTANCE.

It’s here where they find themselves on a TURNING POINT and decide that enough is enough.

Maybe they’re sick of being a certain version of themselves (being a people-pleaser, for example) or maybe they’re sick of not knowing their true potential or just being told what to do all the time.

Whatever it is, they eventually get to a stage where they have enough awareness about the gap between how things are and how they actually want them to be and they have also accepted that they actually need to DO something about it.

This is when people actually start to make CHANGES in their lives instead of just going through the motions – they accept that they want to BECOME a different version of themselves with a different lifestyle.

They have accepted their vision for the future more than what they have in the present and the make a COMMITMENT to going out there and getting it.


This is when people actually start taking ACTION – this normally is broken down into creating a VISION, breaking it down into GOALS, and then creating DAILY HABITS to support momentum towards making it happen.

Because there is an inner battle between the ‘Old’ self and the ‘Real’ self that is trying to emerge there will be a few false starts and relapses into old ways of being but in general – if the person is motivated enough – then they’ll keep chipping away at it and getting the results they want.

Success here really depends on how addicted the person is to their old IDENTITY and the lifestyle that they built with it – if they have a growth mindset then and a relatively healthy relationship with their own underlying emotional ‘stuff’ (shame, guilt, and/or trauma) then it should be relatively straightforward.

If they have more of this emotional ‘stuff’ then they can still make changes but it will be harder.

Stage 2:  The WORLD gets involved:

This is where things start to get complicated because other people become involved.

What a lot of people don’t realise when they start changing their lives is that we’re all connected and so your change will affect the people close to you as well  (even though it doesn’t really need to).

The short version of this is that other people have got used to you being a certain ‘Old’ version of yourself and their relationship with themselves will be ‘threatened’ by your transformation (because their ego is dependent on you playing a certain ROLE).

Of course, some people will support you (the REAL ONES) so they won’t become roadblocks.

Those who don’t support you will throw the following obstacles in your path, though:

They’ll tell you you’re crazy

The first thing they’ll do is try to minimise your likelihood of success by telling you that you’re crazy.  Alternatively, they might tell you that you’re being unrealistic, that you’re deluding yourself, or that the odds of you succeeding to do whatever you’re trying to do are minimal.

All you need to know here is that these people aren’t actually talking about YOU but are telling you (unconsciously) about how they see themselves.

Probably, there is some dream or change that they have neglected in their own lives and they’re trying to HIDE from it.

They don’t want you getting started with your dreams because it will remind them that they could actually be achieving theirs (which they have emotional and/or ego resistance to actually doing).

The solution is to IGNORE them and keep going anyway.

They’ll tell you it won’t last or you just got lucky (etc.)

Eventually, you’ll start building some momentum and getting RESULTS – maybe you’ll lose some weight, maybe you’ll start getting clients in your business, or making progress on that book (or whatever else you’re doing).

In these early stages, though, people that want you to doubt yourself will know that you’re still pretty early on and will believe that they can make you DOUBT yourself.

They’ll essentially try and minimise the significance of the results that you have got because they don’t want you to believe that you can keep getting these results REPEATEDLY.

They’ll say you just got lucky or that things like “the first few pounds are always the easiest” (etc.).

Essentially, they want your results to not seem that special so they can keep telling themselves the BS story about themselves not needing to make changes in their own life.

Again, the solution here is to IGNORE them and to keep doing what you’re doing (because it’s obviously working no matter what they say).

They’ll try and make you feel guilty or to test your confidence in yourself

When you push through and KEEP getting results, your self-belief will increase and you’ll start to feel GREAT about yourself (as you should after all the hard work you’ve been doing).

At this stage, your DOUBTERS will know that they can’t make you doubt the results because you get them too frequently – their strategy now will turn to making you doubt YOURSELF.

If you still have a lot of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ at this stage then you’ll be more likely to listen to them.

The short-version is that they’ll say things like:

“Who do you think you are?”

“You think you’re special/better/whatever”

“You’ve changed”.


These are all variations on the same theme which is that they want to make you feel GUILTY and they want to use that guilt so you’ll go back to the ‘Old’ version of you.

This isn’t actually because they love the old version or anything like that but because they could CONTROL the old version and it didn’t make them feel threatened by triggering their own denial of the real version of themselves (which they’re not ACTING on).

The solution is to remember that guilt is a useless emotion that is only ever used by external sources to try and control you in some way.

You have done nothing wrong so keep going and let these miserable people get on with their miserable lives.

They can’t say anything because you’ve actually done it – at this stage they’ll either wake up and change their own lives or they’ll leave yours.

If you keep pushing through and doing your thing then eventually it becomes clear – even to Doubters – that you’re not going to waver.

You will reach your goal – whatever it was – and will have grown into the person you needed to BECOME to do so.

At this stage, the doubters won’t be able to say anything (though they might try initially because of the anger the feel etc.)

If you’re lucky, they might see you as an inspiration and WAKE UP to their own power to change their lives and get things done.

If not, then you’re only option now is to WALK AWAY and to let them walk their own path whilst you keep walking yours.  There is no point clinging to fake or unreal relationships at this stage – you’re more REAL than you once were and you can bring in REAL relationships as a result of your transformation.

Go smash the next big goal!

If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

Sign up for my mailing list if you want to stay in touch (you’ll get access to the 7-Day Personality Transplant for uncovering your life purpose):

Life is Like a Game of Cards: How to Win


Understand the game to win the game.

This is a quick post about the game of life and how you can increase your odds of ‘winning’ it.

Even though it’s a quick post it’s going to help you understand a few really important things:

  1. What it actually means to ‘win’ life in this context.
  2. The type of cards you have at your disposal in the ‘game’.
  3. How you can best play these cards in order to increase your odds of getting where you want to be in life.

Here we go:

What it really means to ‘win’ or be successful in the game of life.

There are literally millions (if not more) of quotes already online about what the true meaning of ‘success’ is – most will agree that it’s not just about having a certain number in your bank account or driving a Lamborghini but about something deeper (though money and Lamborghinis can definitely DENOTE success).

For the sake of simplicity here we can say that ‘success’ just means that you’re living in a way that’s aligned with a vision that you CHOSE YOURSELF around your true values and intentions and that nobody is making you do things that you don’t really want to do or can’t tolerate (because they serve this wider vision).

This vision will be different for everybody – hence ‘success’ or ‘winning’ ultimately being subjective – but in this context the way that you win the game is that you find a way to keep growing real, make the majority of your own decisions about your life, and that you feel you’re actually spending the majority of your TIME (the most valuable thing you have) doing something that you either enjoy or that is meaningful to you because it moves you in the direction you CHOOSE your life to be going in.

Here’s what this all looks like:

It’s probably easier to understand if you look at this by comparing winning and losing in these terms:

Vision: When you’re winning, your life is either about moving towards or enjoying whatever vision you have for yourself; when you’re losing, then most of your time, energy, and attention is spent in the service of somebody else’s vision at the cost of not feeling that alive or enjoying life.

Values: When you’re winning, your life is an extension of your values (‘truth’, ‘freedom’, ‘creativity’, whatever is relevant to you); when you’re losing, you find yourself in a VACUUM where the world is not a reflection of your values at all (probably the opposite of your human values the more your loss of the ‘game’ snowballs).

Intentions: When you’re winning you CHOOSE what to do so you can act in alignment with your intentions; when you’re losing, then your intentions don’t matter because you end up being TOLD what to do.

The short-version is just that ‘winning’ means you’re living YOUR life instead of somebody else’s.

The three types of ‘cards’ in life and how to win.

There are three types of cards that pop up in life as we try to move towards ‘winning’ (living our own life by CHOOSING to align ourselves with our real vision, values, and intentions):

Deterministic Cards: Which are cards you have been dealt by life and can’t change.

Psychological Cards: Which are cards that are a product of your current mindset. These cards can be changed – or at least upgraded – as you learn to align your mindset with REALITY.

Social Cards: These are the cards that are played against you by the WORLD – in other words, you might have an idea about how you want to play your cards as a whole but society might have other plans.

Here’s a bit more of an explanation of each type:

Deterministic Cards

The Deterministic Cards are the ones that you’ve been dealt by life whether you like it or not. Some of these cards are dealt to you from birth and are just the things about your life that you can’t change because they’re INEVITABLE.

Some of these cards are dealt to ALL of us (which at least makes the game fair) – for example, the fact that we’re all gonna be DEAD one day, that we can’t control everything, that we will sometimes make mistakes, etc.

Other Deterministic Cards might be specific to you and you alone – an illness that you were born with, certain trials and tribulations that you may face as you’re growing up, your parents, the place you were born in and your economic circumstances.

Either way, the majority of these cards come down to our BIOLOGY and the laws of PHYSICS which are always beyond our control –  ultimately, they’re just part of the mechanical, deterministic process of how nature and life operate at the most fundamental level.

These cards are essentially just the “IT IS WHAT IT IS” ones that are completely out of your control due to the randomness of life shuffling the deck before you even came into existence.

Other Deterministic Cards will be dealt to you as you go through life and there’s nothing you can do about them: maybe you’ll lose your job, you’ll get sick, somebody you care about will pass away, etc. – none of these things are ‘personal’ but they will be dealt to you as you keep playing the game and trying to ‘Win’.

How to ‘play’ to win: To make the most of your Deterministic Cards you need to work towards ACCEPTING them.

Only through acceptance can you prevent yourself from causing unnecessary problems for yourself that distract you from the game itself.

Once you’ve accepted, you will realise that – even though these cards can’t be changed – each one of them contains both a LESSON and an OPPORTUNITY that will allow you to move towards your personal vision and ‘winning’ the game.

To make the most of these cards you need to take yourself through that process: Accept what you’ve been dealt, look for the lesson and opportunity, and then move towards your vision in a stronger position because of this.

Anything other than acceptance will cause you to LOSE the game because it will take you out of reality and that always creates friction, frustration, and then misery.

Psychological Cards

The Psychological Cards change as you look at them.  Ultimately, they are the ‘cards’ you’ve acquired as a result of your ATTITUDE towards life and your own relationship with yourself, the world, and reality.

The caveat with these cards is that you can’t play them until you’re ready and you’re only ready when your mindset is aligned with reality itself.

Ultimately, your mindset will affect whether or not you are able to ACCEPT your Deterministic Cards and then what you CHOOSE to do with them.

If you have an unreal mindset then you will not be able to see the lessons and opportunities that are available to you because of the cards you’ve been dealt – nor will you be able to be ACTIVE in your approach to life and moving towards your vision.

You can ‘pick up’ a new Psychological Card any time you push yourself through your comfort zone and test your assumptions about yourself, the world, and reality by taking ACTION.

When you do this you acquire new ‘Insight’ which allows you to get a better understanding of life and what’s possible within it – this insight unlocks your real self from any unreal or limiting beliefs that might have been holding you back from your vision and all of the amazing things that are possible for you.

The short-version here is that if you have a GROWTH MINDSET then you will continue to pick up new Psychological Cards that make it easier to see a way forward, make real choices, and win the game.

If you have a STATIC or PASSIVE mindset then you will be unable to see a way forward and will increase your odds of losing the game.

How to ‘play’ to win: Playing to win here means understanding that the cards you hold at the level of your own psychology are often FLUID and so you can increase your odds of winning the game by learning to change these cards.

Ultimately, you do this in a way where you understand that you can live your life to keep learning and growing and that by doing this you will acquire new insight, become stronger in yourself, and be able to make BETTER CHOICES about your Deterministic Cards and whatever else arises on your way to realising your vision (including the limits society tries to impose on you – see below).

Social Cards

Finally, there are the Social Cards – in the context of the game these are the cards that tell you what you’re ‘allowed’ to do or what you ‘should’ do with the ones you already have.

Like the Deterministic Cards, these can pop up at any time as you go through the game – however, unlike the Deterministic Cards, the social ones are often not something that are inevitable or inescapable as part of reality itself.

In many cases, the Social Cards are actually presenting ILLUSORY BARRIERS that inexperienced players will see as actual barriers to their progress.

For example, maybe you’ve been dealt the Deterministic Cards of being born a certain sex but Social Cards are dealt in your community (or whatever) that say that your desire to move towards your vision in a certain way (because of your Psychological Cards and the CHOICES you’ve made) is not ‘allowed’, ‘appropriate’, or something that you ‘should’ do as a man/woman/whatever.

If you have a weak mindset (because you haven’t picked up enough Psychological Cards that benefit you) then this Social Card and the associated ‘social pressure’ will stop you from doing what you actually WANT to do with your other cards and prevent you from winning the game.

How to ‘play’ to win: Social Cards will be dropped on you by all kinds of external sources as you move towards your vision (and one reason the game is hard because some of these cards will be dealt by people close to you or that you care about).

The way that you ‘win’ against these cards is by testing them to see if they’re actually presenting obstacles that are REAL (i.e. Deterministic and so you can only ACCEPT them) or if they’re just something that people in your world want you to believe are real so that they can win the game and you can lose.

Distinguishing the validity/power of the Social Cards is easier as you work on your own mindset and acquire more Psychological Cards.

Conclusion: Play To Win

Now that you understand the different cards you’ll be dealt by life (and the other people you’re sharing it with) you should be better equipped to stay real and move on your own terms.


If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

Sign up for my mailing list if you want to stay in touch (you’ll get access to the 7-Day Personality Transplant for uncovering your life purpose):

If you want to find your own real life, start moving towards unconditional acceptance, and finding a sense of purpose then check out this 7-Day Course that you can start right now:



Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About The Truth but Were Afraid to Ask


The Biggest Problem Most People Have is that People Believe What They Want to Believe

One of the biggest problems in the world is the pervasive myth that we can believe whatever we want to believe because there are multiple ‘realities’.

According to this myth, reality is – ultimately – whatever the hell you want it to be and so everybody can live in their own ‘reality’, defined only by the limits of their own imaginations and beliefs.

By this definition all beliefs are equally valid, my ‘reality’ and your ‘reality’ are worthy of equal respect and are equally true – even if I decide to believe that I’m a unicorn and you should give me all your attention and energy – and we all need to tolerate each other’s beliefs without question because questioning such personal things as ‘reality’ is offensive and can upset people’s feelings.

This article concerns itself why this myth isn’t just BULLSHIT but also why it’s causing all kinds of unnecessary confusion and conflict in the world.

We will also explore exactly what it is to cause people to want to ‘believe’ in their ‘own reality’ in the first place and how you can IMPROVE YOUR LIFE by learning to step back from this instinctual, ego-driven tendency to run away from your own emotions – especially shame – instead of running towards reality in truth.

In short, we’re going to open up a can of worms that will help you to separate belief from actual TRUTH (or, more accurately, a truthful way of living) so you can stop holding yourself and others back with attachments to mental constructs, belief systems, and points of view that may help you in the short-term but which can only ever hinder you in the long-run.

If you feel like the world is going ‘mad’ or that people are putting more and more clown makeup on each day as the world becomes more absurd then there’s a good chance what you’re about to read will help you make ‘sense’ of things.

Here we go:

The Thing that People Usually Call ‘Reality’ or ‘Truth’ is Actually Just ‘Interpretation’.

When people say that this is “My truth” or this is “My reality” what they actually mean is that this “My interpretation”.

Actually, even in most cases of people simply talking about reality or truth, they’re also talking about the same thing: their interpretations of these things.

This is a subtle distinction but it’s important because truth and reality are actually OBJECTIVE (factual, basically) and interpretations are SUBJECTIVE (clouded by a person’s own experience and sense of themselves).

A story that I always use to demonstrate this when I’m coaching people or whatever is the story of ‘The Blind Men and the Elephant’ which is from the Upanishads or somewhere (which goes to show just how long the distinction between reality and interpretations has been causing problems in the human experience).

The story itself is pretty simple:

As the name suggests, it involves a bunch of blind men and an elephant.

Because they can’t see what they’re looking at – a metaphor for how we all naturally perceive and interpret reality incorrectly because of our limited human capacities – they all start to argue about their INTERPRETATIONS of the reality of what stands before them (the elephant).

For example, the guy who is standing near the trunk and gets hold of it, starts to argue that what they’re dealing with is a snake; the guy that’s holding one of the elephants legs starts to argue that they’re dealing with a tree trunk; the guy who has hold of the tusks begins to argue that they’re dealing with some kind of strange weapon (or whatever).

The point of the story is that all of them are dealing with the same underlying REALITY but because of their own individual vantage points – like our own life experience etc. and literal positions in time and space – they all come up with different INTERPRETATIONS about the same fundamental thing.

These interpretations have NO EFFECT whatsoever on the FACT that there is only ONE REALITY (the Elephant) but because they all come up with their own interpretations by focusing on the fragments instead of the whole they end up causing CONFLICT.

An interesting thing here is that it’s not the reality itself that caused this conflict and confusion – it’s the attachment that the blind men have to their INTERPRETATIONS and their conviction that these interpretations are the ONLY CORRECT interpretations.

This is interesting because it helps us to understand that the truth itself is beyond conflict because IT JUST IS WHAT IT IS.

The only thing that causes problems in our lives is our INABILITY or UNWILLINGNESS to accept this truth by stepping away from our own beliefs and interpretations.

In life itself, things work in the same way:

There is only the TRUTH (or reality in my view) as a WHOLE and it’s the same truth for all of us.

The thing that causes problems in our lives is that we all see this truth to differing degrees based on how willing we are to face it (which may be difficult sometimes as the truth is the truth regardless of what we ‘like or ‘dislike’ about it).

The question now becomes if the truth is the truth then why do we WANT to BELIEVE in something else?

Understanding this can help you to GROW REAL and live a life that’s aligned with who you really are and truly want to be.

To understand it you need to understand a common law of the human experience:

People Believe What They Want To Believe

There is an important difference – as we’ve hopefully just seen – between our interpretations of the TRUTH and the actual truth.

Our interpretations aren’t the ‘thing-in-itself’ (i.e. the TRUTH) – they’re just the CONCLUSIONS we come up with after perceiving whatever’s out there in reality and then interpreting these perceptions in the light of whatever STORIES and NARRATIVES we want to believe about life.

I often call  this set of fragments and confusions between ourselves and the truth ‘The Veiled Veil’ – that sounds fancy but all it means is that there is a twofold veil between us and the truth because of the way human beings ‘work’:

First, there is the veil of perception – i.e. what we literally perceive because of our bodies and the way they let information in (which is always limited because our bodies are fragmented and reality/truth is WHOLE).

Second, there is the veil of CONCEPTUAL interpretation – where we try to make ‘sense’ of the things we perceived in relation to the beliefs we already have and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, the world, and reality (which are conclusions that have already been fed through the VEILED VEIL).

Anyway, maybe that seems a little complicated but all it means is that the interpretations we have are made up of BELIEFS that are almost always informed by UNREAL information: unreal perceptions (i.e. not aligned with the actual TRUTH) and unreal interpretations (that we CREATE because of whatever we have going on inside ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves and want to believe in).

The long and short of all this is that there is an important distinction between our BELIEFS and the TRUTH.

Some beliefs might be more ‘real’ than others – in the sense that they may ‘point’ more closely to the truth than others – but in general NO belief is completely true because they are just FRAGMENTS of the truth as a WHOLE.

Now, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with this – it’s just how things work: We need beliefs to make sense of the world and to interact with others (and ourselves to some extent).

The problems start to arise when we treat our beliefs as being the TRUTH and act like we’ve got everything figured out. When we do that we just end up causing unnecessary friction for ourselves and remove ourselves from the flow of life that is necessary for us to keep growing real and moving into life more deeply.

The other problem is that by acting like our beliefs are the actual truth we also invite unnecessary CONFLICT with others into our lives… For example, in cases when our interpretations of the elephant are different to somebody else’s but we both need to be ‘right’.

If beliefs cause all these problems – when treated as the truth – then why do we become so attached to them?

That brings us on to the fundamental law of human nature that we talked about: PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE.

If beliefs are not reality or truth – which can’t be chosen because they just ‘are’  – then they are something that we have CHOSEN.

We didn’t just wake up one day and find these beliefs magically embedded in our heads – they’re something that we have decided to CHOOSE as a response to whatever it is that we’ve been through in life and what we want from life further down the line.

When you understand this you can ask yourself why ‘You’ or the people in your life believe the things that they do – if they’re just running on ‘autopilot’ you can bet your bottom dollar that they’re CHOOSING the beliefs that they have for one of two main reasons:

1:- To avoid some emotional ‘stuff’ within themselves (shame, guilt, and/or trauma).

2:- TO try and run towards some illusion they need to be true about life so they can keep telling themselves some STORY they want to believe about themselves, the world, and reality as a whole.

In many ways these  two motivating factors are interrelated (and go back to the unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ like shame) but the bottom line is that PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE to avoid the truth about life (because when you’ve been ‘away’ from the truth for a while – not that it ever goes anywhere – then the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off and make you miserable).

Let’s explore these two aspects of ‘People believe what they want to believe’ in a little more detail:

We Choose Our Beliefs Because of Our Emotional Relationship With Ourselves

The best thing we can do for our long-term self-interest is to accept the TRUTH and to work with it. If we can do that then we have a better awareness of ourselves, the world, and reality and will be able to act on this awareness to get better RESULTS.

Those ‘results’ will be different in the context of everybody’s life, depending on what it is they’re trying to achieve with their lives.

No matter what, though – no matter who you are or what you’re trying to do – the one thing that we all have in common is that the only place where we can get results in the first place is the same for all of us: REALITY.

Or as I say all the time, “REAL ALWAYS WORKS”.

That being said, it makes RATIONAL sense to try and ensure that our beliefs are as closely aligned with reality in truth as possible.

The problem is that – for a lot of us – this may involve going through the short-term pain of giving up some of our illusions and aligning ourselves with the truth again.

Because most of us don’t want to feel ANY pain and would rather stay in our comfort zones this means that we defend the familiar beliefs and patterns we’re used to against the truth(even in cases where they’re making us miserable because we don’t get any results).

This is where the emotional ‘stuff’ comes in:

The MAIN reason that people choose to keep believing things that go against the truth is because choosing to believe the truth instead will cause them SHORT-TERM emotional pain.

Actually, it’s not ‘the truth’ that causes this problem for them – because being aligned with truth feels ‘good’ (as you’re flowing with life and living in a creative and authentic way).

No, the thing that causes this pain is the LOSS of illusions that have been ‘protecting’ us from our unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ like shame, guilt, and trauma.

It goes like this:

-We have difficult emotions that we don’t want to face so we create a version of ourselves and a BELIEF SYSTEM to go with this version that explains these feelings away.

-Because this belief system is designed to explain away something that actually exists (the feelings) it is UNREAL from the outset.

-When the truth comes along (however that might be) it threatens the foundation of the unreal belief system by letting reality back in.

-Once reality is back in the picture, we can either FIGHT against it (a battle we can never win) – which will just cause anxiety and unnecessary tension – or we can start to face it.

-If we ‘face’ the reality/truth then we end up removing the unreal belief system and the EMOTIONS we were trying to hide resurface.

It’s not ‘The Truth’ that caused the emotional turmoil – it’s the shattering of the beliefs that were trying to hide unresolved ‘turmoil’ that was already there (and probably got worse by being avoided for a period of time).

As a general rule – general because we can become REAL and wake ourselves up from sleepwalking through life – most of the beliefs that people have are a product of their emotional relationship with themselves.

If they feel ‘bad’ about themselves – consciously or unconsciously – they will become more RIGID with their beliefs because they need to believe that certain things are true so they can keep avoiding their emotional ‘stuff’ (which will be DISSOLVED if shared with others or simply embraced anyway).

People who are RIGID like this are not open to any disagreement because they’re not willing to learn (because that threatens the belief system they created).

If you look at the world around you – especially online – you’ll see that there are all kinds of people rigidly attached to certain belief systems and defending them like their lives depend on it.

Like we already said, the TRUTH is beyond any conflict – it’s only the interpretations that cause problems. These people arguing rigidly online aren’t defending the truth but their interpretations… Hopefully, you now understand why – because they need it to be true so they can keep avoiding their feelings about themselves (as shame-driven people).

If people have a HEALTHY relationship with themselves and their emotional ‘stuff’ then they aren’t DRIVEN by shame (etc.) but instead live in a way that lets them keep going more deeply into the TRUTH about themselves, the world, and reality and DISSOLVING their shame.

These people are easy to spot because they are not RIGID about their belief systems and are ready to grow and keep evolving (though they may still have CONVICTION about their values, intentions, and principles).

Ultimately, this is the difference between being OPEN or being CLOSED – if you’re open, then you’re willing to let the truth in and change your opinions so you can grow and evolve; if you’re closed, then you’re unwilling to let the truth in and simply want to stay the ‘same’ (for the reasons we talked about).

People Need Stories to Give Themselves Hope.

When it comes to certain situations or expectations about the future, people – especially shame-driven ones – will believe what they want to see, not the actual truth about life.

Again, this comes back to their relationship with themselves because their underlying ‘stuff’ affects the things that they think they want or need from life.

If somebody feels ‘bad’ about themselves, for example, they might think that what they need is a relationship with somebody (just an example). This will affect both their PERCEPTIONS and INTERPRTATIONS of what’s in front of them.

A simple example of this is unrequited or one-sided ‘love’:

Sometimes, if somebody is particularly lonely, desperate, or feels that they can’t love themselves they will perceive themselves as being ‘in love’ with somebody and also perceive that somebody else as being in love with them too (even when they’re not).

A similar example is when somebody is horny and they have a crush on somebody (who in this example isn’t interested in them in return) and so they start to look for ‘signs’ that the other person is interested too.

In both of these cases, the person in question has a NEED that’s driven by their emotional or physical relationship with themselves and they WANT the truth to be a certain way.

When they fall into this cycle they start telling themselves a story about how the other person (in this hypothetical example) feels the exact same way… It’s not because the other person actually does feel the same way but because the person telling themselves the story wants reality to be that way.

Other examples of people WANTING to believe bullshit stories like this often revolve around avoiding reality in the form of HARD WORK:

The short version of this is that when people set themselves ‘difficult’ goals they often start to become disillusioned by all of the hard work involved and so they start to believe in ‘MAGIC BULLETS’ that can take them out of the law of cause and effect and get them IMMEDIATE RESULTS (i.e. results that don’t involve work).

If you look around you’ll see this stuff everywhere:

-Business gurus online selling people a SHORTCUT to getting million dollar clients overnight.

-Weight loss products that will help you lose weight FAST with minimum EFFORT.

-Astrology reports (or whatever) that will give you all the answers you need RIGHT NOW.

There are a million different variations of these kinds of thing but the reason there’s so many isn’t because they actually get results or have anything to do with the TRUTH but because people WANT TO BELIEVE in these products to tell themselves the story that they don’t have to do the work required to get actual results (and so they buy these products and send themselves on a wild goose chase that just makes things worse in the long-run).

Finally, another example of where this ‘story’ thing shows up is when people are giving you advice:

Almost always – especially with unwarranted advice, at least – they aren’t telling you anything about the actual TRUTH but they’re telling you how they want to see the world.

If you’re trying to do something ambitious, for example, and somebody gives you the ‘advice’ that it can’t be done they’re not advising you but telling you how they WANT it to be. Probably if you dig into their past it’ll be because they already gave up on their ambitions and have some shame around it.

I could write about this all day but what I want you to get from this is that most of the stated beliefs out in the world aren’t the truth but a RESPONSE to it. That response is always motivated by some emotional ‘stuff’ and if you want to stay TRUE TO YOURSELF you need to know this so you can check yourself and others.

What To Do: Stay TRUE.

The only way not to fall into the BELIEF TRAP is to remember that beliefs are just beliefs but the truth is the truth.

There’s a quote by the physicist David Bohm that I’ve been throwing around for years:

“Your opinions are something that you have, not something that you are.”

We need to become familiar with this idea if we want to keep growing and evolving beyond  the limitations of our identities and the belief systems that we have CHOSEN because of them.

This starts by learning to understand how beliefs are formed in the first place, how they’re distinct from THE TRUTH, and how we identify with things because of our own emotional ‘stuff’ in order to keep telling ourselves certain stories.

If you want to move forward with some of this stuff then keep TESTING your beliefs.

Ask yourself questions; make sure you know how you reached certain conclusions. More importantly, be open to CHANGING YOUR BELIEFS because if you’re so convinced that they don’t need to change then you’re just keeping yourself from the thing that you actually want: THE TRUTH.

If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

Sign up for my mailing list if you want to stay in touch (you’ll get access to the 7-Day Personality Transplant for uncovering your life purpose):

If you want to find your own real life, start moving towards unconditional acceptance, and finding a sense of purpose then check out this 7-Day Course that you can start right now:

‘How do I sort my life out?’: Awareness, Acceptance, & Action


How To Sort Your Life Out

If you’re trying to change or sort your life out then this article will offer you an effective structure that you can walk yourself through.

It’s universal enough to apply to all of us (literally) but also fluid enough to be able to allow you to make sure that you’re truly working on your own terms and in the context of wherever you happen to be internally (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc.) and externally (your life situation at present).

It’s a process that I’ve refined over the years as a result of writing my books and thinking about this kind of ‘thing’ (human growth and getting RESULTS in a REAL way) but also from practically applying it as a structure to the relationships I’ve had with my coaching clients:

Awareness -> Acceptance -> Action

Before we get started though, you need to know about ‘The Gap’:

The Gap: Letting Your Goals Change You

The ‘process’ that we’re talking about is the process of CLOSING THE GAP between where you currently happen to be (whether you know it or not) and where you ‘think’ you want to be in the future (which may change as you take action, move forward, and learn more about yourself, the world, and reality).

The fact that it deals with something as contextual as ‘The Gap’ is what makes the process so universal – no matter who you are or what you’re trying to achieve in life you WILL find yourself standing at one side of ‘The Gap’ between the current version of yourself and the next.

The key point that needs to be made here is that – if you’re doing it ‘right’ – then by the time you’ve got to the other side of ‘The Gap’ then you’ll be more REAL as a result of doing the necessary work to raise your awareness, work on your strengths, and to allow some of the hidden ‘parts’ of yourself to emerge from the SHADOW of yourself as you use your creativity to change your life.

This is one of the biggest ‘secrets’ about moving forward in life and getting REAL results: the goals that mean the most and change your life for the better are the ones that TURN YOU INTO A DIFFERENT PERSON – a version that’s always more REAL.

Here’s a fancy diagram from the 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness and Life Purpose that shows what we’re talking about:

All of this is a roundabout way of saying that the goals that will have the biggest impact on your life are the goals that will CHANGE YOU(for the better by allowing the REAL you to emerge).

The first step towards changing your life (or just ‘sorting’ it out) is to commit to allowing this change to take place. If you don’t, then you just end up BLOCKING things with your ego (and the fear, pride, and desire that beg you to keep seeing yourself in a certain unreal light) and you won’t get the RESULTS that you want.

It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re trying to do – ‘The Gap’ applies to everybody (purely because of how time, space, and the law of cause and effect applies to all of us here on good old planet Earth).

Your basic task is to figure out what’s on the other side of The Gap (and to make sure it’s something REAL so you’re not wasting your time), ask yourself what’s stopping you from getting there (and doing something about it), and then asking yourself “WHO DO I NEED TO BECOME?” in order to get there (which almost always involves cultivating new QUALITIES (or allowing them to re-emerge) and developing new SKILLS).

As you go about doing the work of closing ‘The Gap’ you can make your life a lot easier by following the universal path of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

I call this a ‘path’ as ultimately it’s a linear process that builds on itself but – in truth – you can always go deeper into reality and so you will continually uncover new layers of yourself as you move forward that will bring new insights and fuel for growing REAL.

The other thing, of course, is that once you get to the other side of one ‘gap’ you ultimately realise that you’re at the starting point of another one – this is just the nature of life and being a human being: you can always go deeper and nothing really ever ends (until you die at least and even then it’s debatable).

Everybody’s path is different but the building blocks are the same.

Even though all of our lives are ‘different’ because we’re all dealing with our own ‘stuff’ and have experienced life in our own unique ways, the building blocks and the underlying structures of our lives are all the SAME.

This is what makes the human experience the human experience. I’ve talked about it already on this site and in my books but the short-version is that we are all born WHOLE, become fragmented by the world and its conditioning, and then go through a process of waking up and becoming more or less WHOLE (REAL) again (if we’re lucky and/or do the work – some people spend their whole lives being FRAGMENTED/UNREAL because they get too caught up in their IDEAS about themselves and the world).

It goes like this:

Stage 1: Childhood (wholeness) – In which we are still relatively ‘unconditioned’ by the world and its fragments and are free and spontaneous in our REALNESS.

Stage 2: Unreality (fragmentation) – In which we have become conditioned by the world and hypnotised by our own emotional ‘stuff’ to believe that we’re something other than what we really are (and so we do things like end up in the WAGE CAGE, detach from our true purpose, don’t know how to have meaningful/intimate relationships, etc.).

Stage 3: Realness (wholeness) – In which we start to do the work of facing our emotional ‘stuff’, bringing our SHADOW LIFE to the surface, expressing who we really are in the world, moving towards our true potential, and shifting into a way of being and doing that is more REAL (not everybody CONSCIOUSLY makes it to this stage but everybody can).

What this specifically looks like in the context of your life will be different to what it has looked like in anybody else’s – for example, the goals you set yourself or the obstacles you’re facing will be different (along with a million other things like your personal skills, qualities, story, etc.).

The biggest GAP that most of us will ever cross is the one between Stage 2: Unreality and Stage 3: Realness but even once that’s crossed life will still be a series of gaps that need to be traversed in order to make the most of it and keep growing real.

This is where Awareness, Acceptance, and Action comes in:

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action are the full package

Awareness, Acceptance, and Action will give you everything that you need as you go about the process of closing ‘The Gap’ in your own life.

Whatever you’re trying to achieve or wherever you’re trying to go they will SERVE you on your journey.

Here are some simple definitions:

Awareness: Means gaining insight of anything that will expose the gap between yourself and reality.

All this ultimately means is that you take yourself through a process of exploration so that your understanding of real and unreal increases and that you become AWARE of ‘the Gap’ by becoming aware of what ‘reality’ actually is (or isn’t).

Acceptance: Means removing your judgement of whatever it was that caused you to CHOOSE this gap between yourself and reality.

What this ultimately means is that something caused you to keep choosing an UNREAL LIFE in the first place. Usually, this is because we have learned to JUDGE certain parts of ourselves as being ‘unacceptable’ and sent them into the SHADOW TERRITORY (to use language from the book ‘Shadow Life: Freedom from BS in an Unreal World’).

Acceptance is the process of flipping the script and removing judgement and its impact on our lives (Acceptance is the opposite of judgement because the only thing you can do with reality is ACCEPT it – your judgments don’t affect it in any way).

Action: Is kind of self-explanatory but just means DOING whatever it takes to close the gap by unblocking yourself and taking action.

Without taking ACTION things will continue to change around you (that’s just how life is) but you won’t make the kind of progress that you want to be making.

The short-version is this:

Awareness: Increases your understanding of REALITY.

Acceptance: Working to stop JUDGING reality.

Action: Actively working WITH reality.

The final point to be made here is that you need ALL THREE – this is because they build on each other and are interconnected.

If you only (or predominantly) focus on one of the stages then this is what ends up happening:

Only Awareness –  You become self-obsessed and nothing ever changes and the gap between you and reality gets wider (you just need enough awareness, not total).

Only Acceptance – You become passive and life just becomes something that happens to you.

Only Action – You become controlling and don’t take the right actions or get results because you lack understanding (that you get from Awareness and Acceptance).

This is why you need to take yourself (or if you need further support get in touch about working one-on-one) through all of the stages one after the other.

Here’s some practical stuff you can DO at each stage:

What you can DO at each level in order to improve your life

Ultimately, the only ‘rule’ about what to do at each of these levels is this: “Whatever works” – it’s your life and your ‘stuff’ that you’re dealing with.

As long as you understand the FUNCTION of each phase (as explained above) you can use your creativity to keep moving forward and closing ‘The Gap’.

Here are some ideas and principles for each stage:


At the ‘Awareness’ stage you need to be doing anything that increases your awareness of REALITY by helping you to either see where you’re blocking your view (because of illusions etc.) or by acquiring new knowledge (about how life works – not just trivia for the sake of ‘knowing’ things).

Some things you’ll need to do:

Asking the right questions: Learning to expand your awareness of yourself, the world, and reality by testing your CURRENT ASSUMPTIONS and seeing what’s real and what’s not.

Being present: Learning to see how you’re holding yourself back from the present moment (where you always find reality).

Exploring the reasons behind your ‘goals’: To make sure that the life and version of yourself you perceive on the other side of ‘The Gap’ is aligned with your true VALUES and INTENTIONS.

Becoming AWARE of your true vales and intentions in the first place: Which are often hidden beneath decades of conditioning and BS (which you also need to become aware of).

Testing your thoughts, values, and beliefs: Making sure that you haven’t just picked up a value and belief system from the world arbitrarily and that it’s actually aligned with the real you (a great starting point is figuring out your REAL values and seeing if they’re in your life)

Seeing how you’re blocking self-expression: Maybe you have certain sides of yourself or points of view (etc.) that you keep finding yourself holding back. You need to be AWARE of this so you can ensure that they get expression on the other side of ‘The Gap’.

Becoming aware of how life actually works: Uncovering and taking the relevant RED PILLS so that you don’t have any illusions or BS holding you back in the areas of health, wealth, and relationships (and life in general).  For example, you may need to become aware of the fact that you’ll be DEAD one day and so your time, energy, and attention are the most valuable things you have.

Deconstructing your ego: You need to start understanding that the main thing holding you back is your EGO – i.e. the image you created of yourself in order to hide from your unresolved emotional ‘stuff’. You need to be AWARE of how this SHOWS UP in your life and how it’s holding the REAL you back (normally by making you passive and resisting ACCEPTANCE and ACTION – the next stages).

In short: Anything you can do to increase your understanding of yourself, the world, and reality.


As we said, ‘Acceptance’ is about moving towards a life without judgement of REALITY (because you can’t judge reality as it just is what it is). This applies to the levels of ourselves, the world, and reality itself.

This stage builds on the ‘Awareness’ stage because as you start to increase your awareness and uncover a better understanding of reality you will find yourself RESISTING because of your own ego ‘stuff’ and your conditioning from the world in general.

Only if you ACCEPT reality based on what you’ve become AWARE of can you ever hope to DO anything real with it.

Some practical things you can do:

Looking at the ego versus the shadow: If you can understand the relationship between your ego and the SHADOW parts of yourself that your ego has been CREATED (by you) in order to hide then you will gain a better understanding of what causes you to JUDGE reality instead of accepting it.

Understanding why you want to believe certain illusions: The main reason you JUDGE reality is because you want to believe in something else (the standards that your judgements are based on) – when you’ve increased your AWARENESS you’ll start to see that you were believing in FALSEHOODS.

When you ask yourself honestly WHY you chose to believe these things you’ll learn to start accepting the parts of you that you were hiding from by doing this.

Unblocking your emotional ‘stuff’: There are exercises, activities, and things that you can do to start facing your hidden emotional ‘stuff’ (almost always shame, guilt, and trauma or some cocktail of the three). Whatever this looks like in the context of your own life is up to you but the key point is that by letting your emotional stuff ‘out’ you will better be able to ACCEPT and flow with reality.

Looking at the way we think and how it reflects a lack of self-acceptance, etc.: Again, building on the AWARENESS you keep cultivating, you can start to look at how your thought patterns either reflect self-acceptance or self-judgement.

Like we keep saying acceptance is the opposite of judgement and so if you find that you’re constantly judging yourself with a harsh inner critic (for example) then you will need to ACCEPT that you have some stuff going on that is keeping you from reality.

In short: ANYTHING that helps you to move towards more acceptance of yourself (especially), the world, and reality and  that stops you from JUDGING what’s real (because that’s irrational).


Action is the most self-explanatory stage – it simply means taking all of the learning you acquire in the Awareness and Acceptance stages and making sure that you act in a REAL way without judgement.

Some practical things you can do:

Create a vision based on what you’ve learned about yourself, the world, and reality: This is the first stage of action – creating a real vision based on the AWARENESS you uncovered and a true ACCEPTANCE of yourself in reality.

This vision is essentially a picture of what the other side of ‘The Gap’ will look like. The more clarity you have here the better (whilst not forgetting that you can change this vision whenever you like and as you keep learning and moving forward).

Setting concrete goals: Once you’ve got the vision you can start breaking it down into GOALS. For example, maybe your vision involves writing a book – you can set specific goals to write a certain number of words by a certain deadline, etc.

Sorting out your habits: Looking at the ONGOING HABITS you’ll need to be able to get where you need to be by taking action every day. For example, with the ‘writing a book goal’ your habit might need to be ‘Write at least 500 words per day’.

Understanding your values and translating them into goals and behaviours: Making sure that the ACTION you take is aligned with your real values (and intentions) so that you’re actually doing something REAL and not just doing things for the sake of your ego as a way of avoiding your shadow.

Developing the skills and qualities that will let you become the person you need to BECOME to close the gap: This will be different for everybody but it basically means knowing who you need to BE in order to get what you want.

The qualities you need to develop might be things like “assertiveness”, “confidence”, “risk-taking” but it could be literally anything based on your vision for yourself and who you need to STRETCH INTO to get there (because the qualities are already in you – you just need to turn up the volume by stretching yourself).

SKILLS will also be different depending on your vision but – for example – might be things like copywriting, video editing, gymnastics etc. It literally could be anything but you need to be AWARE of it and to ACCEPT it if it’s real so you can start taking ACTION and doing it.

In short: Action is about doing whatever it takes to BECOME that person that’s on the other side of that gap waiting for you.

Final lesson: it’s CIRCULAR and so you will always be able to go deeper as you keep learning.

In short, this is a process that never really ends and you can always go deeper but if you understand the specific stages and what’s needed then you can get better RESULTS and live a better life.

To repeat the short-version:

Awareness: Increases your understanding of REALITY.

Acceptance: Working to stop JUDGING reality.

Action: Actively working WITH reality.

You need ALL THREE of these stages to close that gap and to get the life you want to be living.

It might not be easy but it’s always worth it and you’ll always be more REAL by the time you’ve finished.


If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

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The ‘F It’ Moment: How to Stop Being Intimidated by Life


Stop being intimidated

One of the biggest problems I see people having to deal with when I’m coaching is that they’ve become INTIMIDATED by life.

This can show up in all kinds of different ways but the impact of having this problem is always the same: it stops them from taking the kind of ACTION they really want to be taking and from getting all of the amazing benefits that only action can bring.

In my own life, I struggled with this problem when I was younger and I’d been conditioned to stop believing in myself by various unhealthy influences in my life.

It was only when I really reached BREAKING POINT in my late teens and realised that the ideas in my head were stopping me from getting the RESULTS that I wanted from life that I was able to have a breakthrough moment of thinking “F it” and just decided to do whatever the hell I wanted (and disappeared to Japan).

That might sound a little reckless but – in retrospect – when you’ve been locked in your own MIND for however many years and then projected the mental cage outwards into the world around you then having a “F it” moment can be the only way out.

In fact, when things get serious enough and you resist reality for long enough – by NOT ACCEPTING YOURSELF – then eventually you’ll reach that crossroads where the only two options are to either keep resisting in a futile attempt to try and stay the same or to step up and say “F it” and then do something that might actually change your life and set you free.

These days I’m not intimidated by life at all and it’s because I put myself on a path of going out there and actually FIGURING OUT FOR MYSELF who I am and what I’m capable of (and not judging my own self-worth based on the results that I got) instead of letting the world TELL ME who I am and believing it without any real thought.

I could probably have never put myself on that path – or would’ve at least taken a lot longer to get there – if I didn’t reach that point of just saying “F it” and going out there and getting over my fear of truly LIVING.

If you find yourself being intimidated by life then the way out is REALITY but before you find it you might have to find yourself saying “F it” so that you can step outside of your programming and just going out and taking ACTION (the only real ‘cure’ for anything – especially the cure for a life lived from behind a mental cage).

This article will help you understand what that means and what you can do to start feeling truly ALIVE again.

Here we go:

Symptoms of Being Intimidated by Life

When we become intimidated by life we either STOP taking action completely or we only take the actions that are within our comfort zone and so won’t STRETCH us or show us the EDGE of our ideas about ourselves.

When this happens, we just end up living an inauthentic or UNREAL life where we ultimately play the role of a pawn in somebody else’s chess game (some boss we don’t even care about, some domineering partner or family member, or simply our ideas about ‘society’ as a whole).

The most common place we end up when we’re intimidated like this is the WAGE CAGE (i.e. some ‘job’ that you found yourself in because you forgot you could actually CHOOSE your own life if you stepped up and focused on the real stuff).

In short, we end up in this UNREAL STATE because by giving into intimidation we end up giving up our ACTIVE POWER and then listlessly floating along through life without any direction.

The way back to reality is to recognise the symptoms of living in this unreal manner, saying “F it”, and then getting back on track to finding our REAL LIVES again.

If you’ve become intimidated then you’ll probably suffer from some or all of the following symptoms:

Passive Mindset

When you become intimidated by life you’ll develop an UNREAL MINDSET that stops you from taking action.

This might show up in a variety of ways but the most common are things like negative thinking (which is almost always a way of trying to justify not taking action), ‘excusitis’ which is just a fancy way of saying that you’ll constantly come up with EXCUSES not to do what needs to be done, and self-limiting beliefs that tell you there’s something fundamentally ‘wrong’ with you or the world so there’s no point even trying.

All of these ways of SEEING and interpreting ourselves, the world, and reality just cause us to try and avoid acting in the world as a way of staying in our comfort zone (where we often don’t even want to be anyway because we’re miserable there as a result of resisting REALITY).

All of this is really caused by being INTIMIDATED by the perceived consequences of taking action and the emotions we’ll have to face by doing so (regardless of if we ‘fail’ or ‘succeed’).


As a result of not taking ACTION, you will probably become restless and irritable. This is simply because you know that there’s more to life but your intimidation has stopped you from going out and getting it.

When you don’t ACT, then you don’t let your unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ (shame, guilt, and/or trauma) heal itself in the way that it needs to and instead you ‘block’ the healing process behind the static beliefs that are stopping you from acting in the first place.

This causes inner friction and frustration that is experienced as RESTLESSNESS.  This is really just the DESIRE of your real self – which you’ve become detached from – screaming to be expressed in the world (and the only way you can do that is by becoming AWARE of the real ‘stuff’, ACCEPTING what’s true, and then ACTING on it).

Never Speaking Up

Intimidated people are scared of the TRUTH and for that reason they refuse to speak up and share the truth as they see it.  A big part of this is because they literally fear the truth itself because it would show the futility of their PASSIVE way of thinking and being in the world.

On a perhaps simpler level, people who are INTIMIDATED by life are almost always shame-driven individuals who have a feeling that they’re not good enough following them around like a ghost (which it is…a ghost of the past) and so they don’t want to risk ‘rocking the boat’ with their opinions or ideas in case somebody disagrees with them (which to the shame-driven individual is something that triggers all kinds of unsavoury emotions).

For this reason, when people have become intimidated by life they rarely – perhaps even never – share with others what they really think, feel, or want to do for fear of being rejected (not realising that by not sharing they’ve already REJECTED THEMSELVES).

Negative Thinking

We spoke about this above as a symptom of having a PASSIVE MINDSET (which all intimidated people eventually develop). Just to clarify a little more, negative thinking is ultimately just a form of UNREAL PESSIMISM that come from somebody trying to DEFLECT life at all costs by trying to explain it away.

That might sound a bit technical but all it means is this:

When people are intimidated it’s almost always because they have unresolved SHAME that causes them to feel like they’re not good enough in some way.

In order to try and hide from this shameful feeling (which is never real, always something they’ve picked up from outside of themselves and then taken onboard as a judgement that they continue to hypnotise themselves with), the intimidated person will concoct a POINT OF VIEW of life that justifies the story they’re telling themselves so that they can try to HIDE from their shame instead of dissolving it (by taking action).

This UNREAL POV is always negative because negativity always explains away action.

In practical terms, it just means that the intimidated person will always look on the (unreal) dark side of things in order to find reasons not to do the things that will actually free them (and you can always find a million reasons not to do things if you set your mind on doing that).


Another thing that intimidated people will do to avoid taking action is to procrastinate.

In simple terms, all that means is that they will focus on taking actions that feel like they’re doing something but that are actually a distraction from the REAL stuff they could be doing that will make a  big difference to their lives.

For example, I know a few coaches that would benefit from organising and having SALES CALLS but because they’re worried that they’ll be rejected or even that they’ll be successful and actually have to coach somebody they instead procrastinate by playing around on social media all day or doing other unimportant things that are their ‘hobbies’ but won’t really get them anywhere.

These tasks allow them to tell themselves the story that they’re ‘busy’ and doing things whilst also (conveniently) avoiding the things that would get them where they want to be (with the cost of having to push through their comfort zones and face themselves and other people).

Not Taking the Actions You Really Want To Take

In short, then, when you’re an INTIMIDATED person, you might be ‘busy’ in the sense that you’re constantly doing things but you probably won’t be doing the things you really want to do because you’re AFRAID of having to face yourself at some level.

Some people can spend their whole lives wasting time on distractions and busyness for this reason. If you realise you have this problem as you’re reading this then the question becomes: “What are you going to DO about it?”

Maybe it’s time to say “F it” and do some of that stuff you’ve been putting off that could change your life?

Being Outcome-Dependent Instead of Outcome-Independent

I’ve already spoken about Outcome-Independence a lot on this site (because it’s so important). If you haven’t read the main article and you’re unfamiliar with the term, then all it means is that you can live in one of two ways:

-1: Outcome-dependence (Unreal): Where your levels of self-acceptance are CONDITIONAL and affected by the outcomes you get as you go through life.

-2: Outcome-independence (Real): Where you “do your best and forget the rest” but your levels of self-acceptance are UNCONDITIONAL and not affected by the outcomes you get.

In other words, with outcome-dependence you NO LONGER feel ‘good’ about yourself if you fail to get the results you want whereas if you’re outcome-independent then you still feel good even if you ‘fail’ as you know you can pick yourself up again, learn what needs to be learned, and either try again or ACCEPT some reality that can’t be changed.

When we’re INTIMIDATED by life, we end up putting our goals on a pedestal – because we think they’ll fill the void inside ourselves (that can only be filled by ACCEPTANCE OF REALITY) – and so we inflate their importance to the extent that we become INTIMIDATED BY THE THINGS WE WANT.

Again, this comes back to our relationships with ourselves because if we become a shame-dissolving person instead of a shame-driven one it becomes a lot easier to say “F it” and go out and chase our goals in an outcome-independent way.

Imposter Syndrome

If an intimidated person actually does manage to overcome themselves and take ACTION without working on their emotional ‘stuff’ then they find themselves in a position where they feel like a fraud (Imposter Syndrome).

This is ultimately because there ends up being a gap between the way that they show themselves to the world and the SHAME that they still feel as they used action as a vessel to try and run from it instead of dissolving it.

When this happens, the intimidated person ends up being worried about being ‘found out’ (i.e. having the world reveal itself to agree with the skewed distortions of their shame).

This just adds a whole new layer of intimidation that they have to deal with because they have to find new ways to keep ‘hiding’ themselves so that they won’t be exposed as a shame-driven individual.

In reality, they could just say “F it” and keep doing what’s worked for them to get them where they are but they’re so afraid of being “found out” that they take everything too seriously to see clearly.

General Lack of Confidence

Perhaps it goes without saying, but when people become intimidated by life, they lack confidence.

This is usually for two reasons that build on each other:

-1: They keep telling themselves a story about why they can’t/shouldn’t/best not take the ACTION that they want to take (and because practise makes perfect this causes them to miss out on their own potential).

-2: Because they don’t take this action, they end up not getting results (which just reinforces the unreal story they’re telling themselves).

Once you’ve stopped taking action and you end up believing that the consequences of not taking action are WHO YOU ARE then you end up in a self-perpetuating loop that causes your confidence to dwindle.

The longer you stay in this loop the worse things can get. It’s so bad that some people spend their whole lives on this hamster wheel, going around in circles and ruining their own lives.

A shortcut to getting out of it is to realise how bad things have become, have an “F it” moment, and go out there and start ACTING again (which as you build momentum and get results will increase your confidence).

Anxiety and/or Depression

If you don’t solve the problem of intimidation then you increase your odds of becoming anxious and/or depressed. This doesn’t mean that all anxiety and depression are caused by being intimidated but it does mean that a lot of it is.

The short version is this:

Anxiety will enter your life when you create a FALSE IMAGE of yourself in an attempt to hide from your intimidation instead of pushing through it and see what’s actually REAL.

This false image just causes problems because you’ll use it as a FILTER to try and avoid reality and avoiding reality will constantly add friction to your life (which is experienced as ‘anxiety’).

Depression enters your life when you’re so intimidated that you stop MOVING. This is a consequence of developing the passive mindset mentioned above – when you start to see and think in this way then you just end up taking yourself out of action, away from any sense of purpose, and experiencing live at the level of existence alone (instead of thriving in life).

In both cases, you need to learn to say “F it” so you can start moving in a more REAL way again.

How You Became Intimidated

If you recognise the above symptoms in yourself then there’s a good chance you’ve become intimidated by life (that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re living in constant fear but it means the limits of your fear are ripe for exploration).

This means that at some level you need to say “F it” and to start taking the right kind of action again so that you can get RESULTS from life that are REAL to you.

It might be helpful to know how you ended up being intimidated in the first place (if you look at kids, for example, they have to be TAUGHT to be intimidated by life – that means in your own case it’s something that you had to learn. The good news is that if you LEARNED it then you can also UNLEARN it).

Here are some of the most common reasons for becoming intimidated by life:

Basically, you got sent into your HEAD somehow.

The short-version of what happened is that you got sent into your HEAD for whatever reason and decided to identify with it and stay there.

Normally, this is because in our early years we are made to feel ASHAMED or GUILTY in some way (or in the most extreme cases, TRAUMATISED) and it causes us to think ourselves into a fragmented version of ourselves that disowns certain emotions and desires.

For example, maybe you had a high school teacher who insulted your artwork and so you created a ‘version’ of yourself that has no interest in artistic pursuits.  The original interest is still down there – in the Shadow Territory – but you create a mental image of yourself that denies it.

This is just a hypothetical example but the point is that something happens that sends you into your head and your INTIMIDATION is just your ego’s way of keeping you there.

You might’ve listened to OTHER PEOPLE instead of yourself.

The only person who can live your life for you is…YOU.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where people will attempt to give us all kinds of unwarranted and unreal advice about how we ‘should’ live our lives.

More often than not, this advice is usually just passed on from one INTIMIDATED person to another and so it just ends up doing more harm than good.

If you listen to this advice then you’ll end up being intimidated and not listening to your own REAL VOICE which knows there’s nothing to be intimidated by.

You compared yourself to others (usually the highlight reel).

We can become intimidated – especially in the age of (anti)social media – when we look at the lives other people are portraying themselves to be living and compare ourselves and our lives to what we see.

The problem – as the old saying goes – is that when we do this we’re comparing our behind-the-scenes footage to their highlight reels. This can end up making us feel that we’re not “good enough” (that shame again) and this stops us from taking action (which, ironically, would get us where we want to be).

The solution is to realise that you can’t be compared to other people because you’re living your own life and you’ve had your own experiences which have made you the UNIQUE person that you are right now.

Comparing yourself to others is just a way of NOT ACCEPTING YOURSELF (because of the unresolved emotional ‘stuff’) and this prevents you from accepting who you are and then expressing it with your ACTIONS.

You lost your balls somehow (but you can get them back)

The super short version? Something has happened to you that’s caused you to lose your BALLS and to overthink every little detail of your life instead of ACTING on it.

You can get your balls back but you need to unlearn all of the BS that’s stopping you from recognising the truth about life: that the only person with any POWER over your life is YOU.

You let your ‘protective’ emotions like anger be turned against you (often into depression or sentimentality).

Sometimes, emotions that help us protect ourselves and to define healthy boundaries in our lives are ‘shamed’ or belittled by ‘guilt’ (in an attempt to control us) and so we develop an unhealthy relationship with them. The most common emotion that this happens with is ANGER.

When we disown our anger then it doesn’t ‘go’ anywhere – it just becomes something that we stop expressing. Because we have a mental ‘block’ that stops us expressing it externally, our anger simply TURNS AGAINST US and will be experienced as a hypercritical inner voice that constantly judges us, etc. eventually leading to a lack of action and then DEPRESSION.

Alternatively, we may also end up being overly sentimental about things because we end up experiencing everything through the FILTER of depression that a detachment from our healthy emotions can cause (and because a lack of anger can stop us from moving forward with our PURPOSE).

When we end up in this situation, we end up being intimidated by life because we think that we lack the strength to handle it (when, actually, we’re just hiding this strength from ourselves).

You let your interpretation of the past skew your vision of yourself in the present.

In short, if you’re intimidated by life in the present then you have a DISTORTED interpretation of the past and who you have become because of it.

What this might look like is different for everybody but it will usually involve you writing some kind of STORY for yourself to try and live out that DISOWNS vital parts of yourself because of shame, guilt, and/or trauma.

If you want to be REAL again and to stop being intimidated by life then you need to start writing a REAL STORY (or more accurately unlearning the BS story that stopped you expressing the real story in the first place).

This will probably mean FORGIVING YOURSELF at some level so that you can let go of the beliefs you picked up that caused you to be intimidated in the first place.

A short cut to doing this? You guessed it: you have to learn to say “F it”.

How To Stop Being Intimidated.

So how do we bring this all together and get life moving again? It’s simple in theory but not always in practice (which is the core problem).

The short answer is that you need to start talking ACTION.

The main SYMPTOM of the PROBLEM of being intimidated is that you stop taking REAL ACTION and then your life ends up being some unreal thing that you don’t want it to be.

You could spend the rest of your life trying to figure out exactly why you became intimidated in the first place (and maybe after reading the above list you have some basic idea) but the bottom line is that it doesn’t matter THAT MUCH.

If you want to REVERSE the symptoms of being intimidated then you need to start taking some kind of ACTION in your life.

More than that, you need to start taking REAL action so that you’re not just distracting yourself from the REAL version of yourself and making the problem worse (by being busy for the sake of being busy and procrastinating, etc.).

What this means in the context of your own life might be different to what it means in anybody else’s life but probably there is some ‘thing’ that you’ve wanted to be doing for a while but keep finding BS reasons (really EXCUSES) to put off doing.

If you can think of something like that then you’ve just given yourself as starting point.

All you really need to do now is to say “F it” and START doing it.

It’s either that or keep being intimidated and living an unreal life for the rest of your days.


If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

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Goal Setting for Creative People


How To Get Results and Stay Creative

This is a relatively short but post but it will make a BIG difference to your life if you act on it.

It’s going to walk you through a simple but effective process of goal setting that will help you to get a big picture overview of your life or creative project, start to refine a VISION that keeps your passion ignited, and to make sure that the things you’re doing are actually REAL to you.

A lot of creative people hate setting goals because it makes them feel like they’re restricted in some way.  That can be true if we CHOOSE goals that are unreal to us or that we have to force ourselves to do but the bottom line is that – if you want to get RESULTS – then you need to find a way to FOCUS on the things that will take you where you need to be whilst also supporting and nurturing your creativity with DISCIPLINE and CONSISTENCY.

At the end of the day, the only thing standing between you and the life that you want to be living is the CHOICES that you make about how you spend your time right now in the present.  These choices will affect the ACTIONS that you take and the actions that you take (or don’t take) will close the gap between where you are now and where you want to be in the future.

Here’s a process for setting goals without feeling like you’re killing your creativity – you’ll start to see almost immediate results if you start making changes to your life based on what you learn here about the actions you need to take.

You’ll probably benefit from grabbing a piece of paper and a pen to help you make the most of this.

Here we go:

Stage 1: Open Up the Vision

The first step in this process is getting a big picture overview of all the things you want from your life/creative project/whatever you’re working on.

In other words, you can use this process to look at your life as a whole or you can use it in relation to something more specific (like writing a book or creating a new work of art etc.).

Either way, the first step is to OPEN UP THE VISION by coming up with as many ideas as possible for whatever it is that you’re trying to set goals around.

This means pushing your creativity to the LIMITS and seeing how many different ideas you can come up with.

Here’s what you need to do at this stage:

-If it’s something general like your life, then you can use Be/Do/Have. This is a pretty famous idea used in the coaching world but it simply means writing down three columns and listing as many things as possible that you want from life in each area.

For example:

Be: “I want to BE rich/famous/stronger/healthy/whatever”

Do: “I want play the piano/write a novel/start a business/whatever”

Have: “I want to have a new car/a partner/a killer body/a dog/whatever”

In this first stage, the idea is to not hold yourself back with your thoughts about what’s possible or not – you need to be AUDACIOUS and to just be honest with yourself about the things you INTEND to bring into your life if there’s nothing stopping you(including yourself).

-If it’s a specific creative project that you’re working on then you need to figure out as much as you can about what this project MEANS to you and what EFFECT you want it to eventually have on people.

For example, if you’re writing a novel or something then you need to figure out exactly what it means to you and how you might translate this meaning into the right story. You need to write down as many ideas as possible for using this creative project to become a vessel for the kind of meaning you want to put into it.

You also need to think about the EFFECT or IMPACT you want it to have on people – for example, maybe you want them to feel inspired,  connected to you, sad, happy, or whatever else.

Use your creativity to flesh out the VISION for your creative project but – either way – by the time you’re done you should have an understanding of what the project means to you and how this meaning can be translated into something that IMPACTS people in the way that you want it to.

In short, the first step to setting goals as a creative person at this stage is to let your imagination run wild and to create a BROAD VISION for yourself.

Don’t stop writing until you’ve run out of ideas.

Stage 2: Refine the Vision

You started with a BROAD vision for the things that you’re interested in doing. The next step is to start reducing the items on your list by finding out what’s actually aligned with your REAL values, beliefs, and intentions versus what’s just something that seems ‘nice’ but isn’t necessarily that real for you right now.

For each of the things you put on your Open Vision List from Stage 1 you need to answer the following questions:

-1: What are my reasons for wanting to DO this?

-2: Would the REAL ME do this?

If your reasons for wanting to do whatever you’ve listed are unreal then you need to either remove that ‘goal’ from your list or to try and find a way to make it more real.

‘Unreal’ in this context means that the goals are either there because you think they’re going to fill some kind of void inside yourself, because they came from ‘other’ people and aren’t actually your goals, or anything else that’s going to stop you from growing in a way that’s aligned with your highest values and intentions.

The second question is a little ‘intuitive’ but all it really means is that you ask yourself whether the most real or authentic version of you would do the thing in question – if you feel like it’s a ‘No’ then there’s no point doing it because the whole point of setting goals is so that you can move towards a more REAL version of yourself in the long-term.

By the end of this stage you should have list of goals that are DEFINITELY something that will benefit your life and make you more real because you know that you have GENUINE reasons for wanting to do them and that they’ll make you more REAL yourself as you move forward and take action.

Stage 3: Categorise Your Goals

At this stage, your list of goals should be a lot shorter than it was but you’ve still been able to go through a CREATIVE PROCESS of making sure that the goals you’ve chosen are something that will make a big difference in your life.

The next stage is to get some clarity about how you’ll start to carry out these goals.  What this means is that you need to CATEGORISE them so that you can start to make a strategy for dealing with them (and actually getting RESULTS).

There are four different categories that we’ll be working with: Ongoing Goals, Short-Term Goals, Medium-Term Goals, and Long-Term Goals. In each of these categories, you need to give yourself a goal that’s SPECIFIC and has a DEADLINE.

It works like this:

Ongoing Goals – things you will do every day (or most days). If you have something vague on your list like ‘get fit’ then you’ll need to probably create a SPECIFIC ongoing goal here (e.g. workout for 30 minutes every day).

Short-Term Goals – things that will take a week to a month. E.g sort out your website, reach out to a specific person on social media, etc.

Medium-Term Goals – things that will take between a month and a year. For example, reaching a target weight or making a certain amount of money etc.

Long-term Goals – things that take more than a year to complete. For example, moving to another country, writing a book (maybe – some people might take less than a year), etc.

If you’re working with a creative project, then you’ll need to look at how the overarching vision fits into these categories. For example, maybe your goal is to “write a book” it might look like:

Ongoing Goals: Write every day, edit, research.

Short-Term Goals: Finish the next chapter by next week, have three chapters written by the end of the month.

Medium-Term Goals: Finish the first-draft six months from now, find some beta readers, etc.

Long-Term Goal: Publish the book and become a bestseller, etc.

Whether it’s your life or your creative project, you’ll benefit from being aware of what goals you have at each of these levels and what you need to DO and WHEN in order to make your vision actually a reality.

Stage 4: Motivation Check

At this stage, it’s probably going to look like you have a LOT of stuff to do.

To stay motivated you might want to make sure to remind yourself of why these goals are important to you. All this means is that you do a final check-in about your overall vision and make sure that it SELLS ITSELF to you.

The main question to answer for each of your goals is “What does achieving this goal mean to me?”

By answering that question, you’ll be giving yourself a reminder of WHY you want to do this in the first place as well as all of the benefits, etc. that you’re going to get from moving towards and then achieving these goals overall.

Stage 5: Create a To-Do List

The final step is to get into the HABIT of keeping a To-Do List and then making sure you actually DO the things that are on it. How rigid you are about this depends on you, but I would personally recommend sitting down every morning (or whenever you start work) and writing down a list of tasks that you need to achieve each day.

Because you’ve already categorised your goals in Step 3 you’ll know what you need to be doing EVERY DAY but you’ll also know what you’re working towards as well.

Of course, as you move forward and start taking action you might uncover some new goals that are important to you and you might learn about yourself and realise that some of the things you’re chasing aren’t as important as you thought.

This is totally fine and healthy and just proves that your goals are there to SERVE YOU and your growth, not an end-in-themselves that you just chase blindly for the sake of it.

Either way, the To-Do List reminds you that the only way to get where you want to be – your REAL LIFE or to see that CREATIVE PROJECT become a real thing in the world – is to take ACTION.

Go get it.


If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

Sign up for my mailing list if you want to stay in touch (you’ll get access to the 7-Day Personality Transplant for uncovering your life purpose):

If you want to find your own real life, start moving towards unconditional acceptance, and finding a sense of purpose then check out this 7-Day Course that you can start right now:


The Loop: What You Have Now Is What You Once Wanted (Whether You Know It Or Not)


You Always Get What You Want

More often than not, the things that you have in your life now are the things that you once wanted for yourself.*

Though you might not realise it – or may even be trying to hide from it – the current state of your life and the situations that your life is comprised of are the CONSEQUENCE of all the CHOICES you made in the past.

These choices will be affected by all kinds of different factors:

-Your underlying emotional ‘stuff’.

-What you’ve been conditioned to believe is possible.

-What you’re trying to hide from about yourself, the world, or reality.

-The relationships in your life (which you’ve also CHOSEN to stick around in or not).

-Your general way of thinking (‘negative’, ‘positive’, or REAL, etc.).

-Etc. Etc.

Either way, however you may have happened to end up thinking about life, these thoughts will always affect the way that you go about making CHOICES in life, and the end result will always be the same:

If you made REAL CHOICES – i.e. choices that are based on your authentic values and intentions rather than just your instinctual programming or social conditioning – then your life will predominantly be REAL too and reflect this.

If you made UNREAL CHOICES – i.e. choices that were rooted in your EGO or your fears about yourself, the world, and reality that caused you to HIDE your true values and intentions from yourself – then you’re life will predominantly be UNREAL too and reflect this.

A simple PRINCIPLE of life that applies to us all (and that we’ve mentioned before on this site and in my course the 7-Day Personality Transplant):

If you put real in, you get real out; if you put unreal in, you get unreal out.

It’s pretty simple, but a lot of the time we forget this or we think we are being real (even though we’re not getting the results that we want – the only sure sign that we’re actually acting in a real way: we’re either at peace because we ACCEPT life or we’re at peace because we’re getting the RESULTS we want).

This article is about how it sometimes takes current reality a little time to catch up with the beliefs we’re putting into the world but how almost ALWAYS, the things we have in our lives now are simply a reflection of how we used to THINK about life and how those thoughts affected the actions we took.

You need to know this and to ACCEPT it so that you can start making better choices RIGHT NOW so that you stand a better chance of living a life you want to be living further down the line.

Here we go.

*Obviously, this doesn’t apply to everything in your life as some things are completely out of our control (‘acts of God’ like natural disasters, people dying, illness, etc.) and so this isn’t one of those solipsistic posts about how we completely create our own reality like some kind of omnipotent being (if you’ve read my books you know I think that’s BS and a lot of the ‘spiritual’ philosophies out there that that say that ‘stuff’ are just selling people what they want to believe, not the truth).

Emotional ‘stuff’ leads to assumptions leads to belief systems leads to thoughts leads to actions leads to emotional ‘stuff’.

You need to understand that the way you feel, think, and do things when you’re running on autopilot is circular and builds on itself.

If you don’t step back and take control of this process (by growing REAL, the whole point of everything discussed on this site), then you just end up getting caught in the THE LOOP and feeling that you’re powerless and have no control over your life because you forget that: 1) you have a CHOICE, and 2) what you currently have is the CONSEQUENCES of those choice.

Here’s how things unfold for most of us when we don’t step up and take control:


Here’s an example of how this might show up in your life if you’re not aware of your ability to make a CHOICE to change something at ANY of these different levels (a good thing because you can CHOOSE to change the area that’s easiest for you personally and still break the cycle of ‘The Loop’):

You have some underlying emotional ‘stuff’ like shame.

This shame causes you to make the fundamental assumption that you’re just not ‘good enough’.

This fundamental assumption causes you to create a kind of ‘people pleaser’ belief system where you survive by putting the needs of others before your own (so it doesn’t trigger the shame you’re trying to avoid).

This ‘people pleaser’ belief system cause you to have unreal thoughts about yourself – for example, that you can’t do the things that you’re really interested in doing in life because it might upset people or they’d disagree with your choices (for example).

That causes you to take actions that keep you in your comfort zone and to avoid your edge for fear of upsetting others or stepping up and pushing through your own emotional ‘stuff’.

The fact that you’re being passive and not taking the real actions you want to be taking (i.e. because you’re not aligned with your true values and intentions) causes you to feel more shame and so your CHOSEN actions (or lack of action) just causes you to PERPETUATE your emotional ‘stuff’ instead of healing it.

The cycle continues.

The interesting thing here (imo) is that 1) most of us aren’t AWARE that we’re involved in this cycle of ‘The Loop’ and so it just keeps repeating and we get more deeply entrenched in our lives as a CONSEQUENCE of being on the hamster wheel, and 2) because we’re not AWARE of it we don’t realise how much CHOICE we have to change our lives for the better.

We can change our lives by changing the cycle (or, more accurately, starting to change the cycle so we can get different RESULTS from life – as the old quote says “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results).

For example:

We can CHOOSE to change the level of our emotional ‘stuff’ by doing some introspective work and figuring out what’s going inside of ourselves, meditating, talking to others about our ‘feelings’ (often just talking will dissolve shame, etc.), working out emotions through our creative art, etc.

We can CHOOSE to change our fundamental ASSUMPTIONS about ourselves, the world, and reality, by doing exploratory work, digging deeper into the way that we see things through introspection or journaling, etc. and seeing what PATTERNS emerge.

We can CHOOSE to change our BELIEF SYSTEMS by actively continuing to learn new things, putting ourselves in difficult situations, chasing new experiences that push us through our EDGE, testing the validity of our beliefs and the conclusions we’ve made about ourselves, the world, and reality by philosophical enquiry, etc. etc.

We can CHOOSE to change our THOUGHTS by learning to see when our thoughts are too negative, understanding when we’re held back by LIMITING beliefs, paying attention to our inner monologue and the language we use (maybe it’s passive and unreal – for example, always about how we will “try”, “always” or “never” do certain things, etc.).

We can CHOOSE to change our ACTIONS by learning what our REAL VALUES are and translating them into goals, we can act on our REAL INTENTIONS by making sure that we know what they are (by digging beneath the surface or our social conditioning, etc.), we can create a VISION for ourselves based on the real version of ourselves we want to become (instead of who we think we are right now because of false beliefs and BS), etc. etc. etc.

In short, there’s absolutely LOADS we can choose to do if we want to change our lives for the better and get out of the passive cycle of just UNCONSCIOUSLY CHOOSING to have each of these levels feed into each other as part of a cycle of negatively based on how we might ‘feel’ about ourselves.

Whatever life you’re living right now is a CONSEQUENCE of how you’ve engaged with this cycle in the past.

To paraphrase what we said above:

If you’ve been real at all or some of these levels your life will now be more real than if you’d be unreal.

Unreal in, unreal out; real in, real out.

If you start WORKING to change your relationship with yourself at these levels then you will eventually see that your life becomes more real down the line (it won’t change overnight because you need to wait for reality to catch up – this is called the REALITY LAG).

The Payoff of ‘Negative’ Consequences

Because we make a CHOICE about how we interact with ourselves at each of the levels on this cycle – even if we just choose to let things unfold on their own terms by doing NOTHING – then we can say that the life we have right now is whatever we actually WANTED for ourselves.

This applies just as much to the ‘positive’ things we have in our lives at present as well as the ‘negative’.

For example:

Maybe we have a crappy job that we hate right now and we’re stuck in the WAGE CAGE – we might have CHOSEN this because it reinforces the negative assumptions we have about ourselves as not being good enough (in the example given above) and so we don’t have to change or can prove ourselves ‘right’ on an unconscious level.

Maybe we can’t find a relationship despite telling ourselves we want one – we might have CHOSEN this because unconsciously we fear that a relationship will cause us to change our THOUGHTS about ourselves and that would mean having to face our emotional ‘stuff’ (that those thoughts only exist to keep us avoiding in the first place).

Maybe we have our own business and we’re constantly busy taking action but never get RESULTS (no sales or whatever in this context) – this might be because we have decided to only focus on the EASY actions (like doing spread sheets all day or whatever) so that we don’t have to do the stuff that would actually push us through the EDGE to the next level (like networking or making sales calls or whatever).

You could come up with all kinds of examples but the basic point is that we choose to keep acting in ways that keep the cycle of THE LOOP going so that we can avoid growing through our comfort zone and facing the fundamental emotional ‘stuff’ that has been shaping our life since day one.

What You Can Do: How to Break the Cycle and Escape the Loop.

To start breaking this cycle and to start getting different CONSEQUENCES then you need to change your patterns at each level (though because they’re all connected then just changing in one area will make a difference in all the others).

I’ve already given some examples above but the abridged version at each level:

Emotional ‘Stuff’: You need to start DISSOLVING your shame (etc) instead of being DRIVEN by it.

Assumptions: You need to actively work to replace unreal assumptions (“I’m not good enough”, for example which is never real because it involves a judgement) with REAL assumptions (which are designed to promote self-acceptance which is REAL – for example, “I am capable of succeeding just as much as anybody else”, “I can handle whatever happens”, “Nothing can stop me being real”, etc.).

Belief Systems: You need to replace belief systems that hold you back or make the world seem like a place where good things can’t happen to you with a belief system that supports your GROWTH.

Thoughts: You need to learn to step back from your thoughts, realise that they’re not ‘You’, and to condition yourself to never give into negative thoughts that stop you from acting on your true values and intentions (such as inner criticism etc.).

Actions: You need to make sure that you actually do ACT (because action is the only thing that will get you where you want to be), but you also need to make sure that you increase AWARENESS of what’s real (about yourself, the world, and reality), that you ACCEPT your true goals, and that the ACTION you take is not just a distraction from your emotional ‘stuff’ that keeps this unreal cycle going.

In your own life, you’ll know which one makes the most sense for you to experiment with and make the most progress but I think that the ‘easiest’ way to start making changes is to change our approach to taking ACTION.

This is because if we CHOOSE to act on a vision for the highest, most real version of ourselves then the rest will kind of fall into place as the RESULTS we get from taking real action shows the futility of feeling ‘bad’ about ourselves, negative thinking that stems from this, and so on.

I’ve actually seen it quite a lot in the coaching relationships I have with people: once clients start taking real action and ACTING in a way that’s congruent with who they want to BECOME (not just who they fear they are right now) then they start to build momentum and collect EVIDENCE that goes against the foundation of feelings and thoughts that are rooted on an unreal relationship with any emotional ‘stuff’.

The short-version of what this looks like is that you need to start running towards something REAL instead of just trying to run away from the unreal stuff (that comes from your emotional ‘stuff’ and the emotions it gives you about yourself).

The steps that will put you on this path are quite simple:

  1. Figure out your true values and intentions for your life by digging into how your life would be different if you weren’t HOLDING BACK.
  2. Turn this into a VISION for the future version of yourself and what your life would look like if you could realise this vision.
  3. Ask yourself who you need to BECOME to make that vision a reality (i.e. what skills and qualities would you have).
  4. Figure out what GOALS you need to dedicate yourself to in order to close the GAP between where you are now and that highest vision.
  5. Go out there every day and start DOING what needs to be done to close that gap.

Like I said, that’s a very simple process but it will be harder to actually do in real life (instead of just on the screen or wherever you’re reading this).

Coaching can help you with this (*cough*) but so can just being DISCIPLINED and realising that if you do have a struggle along the way then it will be a struggle at one of the levels shown on the cycle above.

If you can figure out which and start attacking it then you can unblock yourself and get going again.

Either way, once you start making a shift, your life will make a shift too and eventually the life you’re living will be a CHOSEN consequence of being REAL, not just a passive consequence of being UNREAL and getting lost on the hamster wheel of THE LOOP.

Go get it.


If this story inspired or helped you then please share it with others! 🙂

Sign up for my mailing list if you want to stay in touch (you’ll get access to the 7-Day Personality Transplant for uncovering your life purpose):

If you want to find your own real life, start moving towards unconditional acceptance, and finding a sense of purpose then check out this 7-Day Course that you can start right now:


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