by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Why Chasing Success Leaves You Empty (and What to Do Instead)

Well, it’s the 21st century and we’re all still playing a rigged game where there seems to only be one rule:

Chase success.

Get the car, get the house, get the perfect partner, get the clout, get the curated life, post it all online, wait for a few ‘likes’ to come in, and then repeat.

Maybe this feels good here-and-there – but only very briefly until the Void creeps back in – and then it’s back to the same old hamster wheel of rinsing and repeating because we don’t know any other way even though something feels… off.

Ever wondered why that is?

‘Success’, as it’s sold to us and we’re conditioned to believe in it, is usually just an endless ego-feeding loop (but, unfortunately, the ego is unreal and so are the results that we get when we’re motivated by it):

This loop promises meaning, fulfilment, happiness but more often than not it just delivers burnout, comparison, and a creeping sense of existential dread.

So let’s pause the hustle-and-bustle for a moment and ask ourselves a better question.

What if the problem isn’t that you haven’t succeeded yet but that you’re chasing the wrong thing?

What if there’s another way?

Let’s dig deeper because this article will show you that there is:

Real success comes from being significant.

Success vs. Significance

There’s a quote attributed to leadership coach John Maxwell that says:

“Success is when you add value to yourself. Significance is when you add value to others.”

And right there, ladies and gentlemen, we have a truth bomb:

Success can be satisfying in the short-term for sure – it feels good to hit goals, get the recognition, and check things off the vision board.

Sadly, this feeling rarely sticks:

The buzz fades. The bar shifts, and suddenly, you’re back on the treadmill wondering why you don’t feel better.

When we aim for significance, on the other hand, our goals, ambitions, and the outcomes we achieve are planted with much deeper roots because they emerge not from the ego’s hunger for applause, but from our REALNESS.

When you come from this place, you know that you’ve added something real to the lives of others and that – by doing so – added something real to your own.

It’s about the difference between a short-term shot of dopamine at having achieved some goal for the sake of itself versus a long-term flow of understanding that comes from doing that changes you and the world around you (by making yourself and the world a little bit more real).

Real Fulfilment Comes From Interdependence

There’s a reason volunteering boosts your mental health or why people often find joy not in buying something, but in building something that helps someone else.

Being significant to others makes us feel significant to ourselves.

Even Jesus said that it’s more blessed to give than to receive.

This is not the same as people-pleasing or approval-seeking – it’s a deeper truth about how we’re wired as social, relational, interdependent creatures.

The illusion of the isolated, hyper-successful lone wolf is just that – an illusion because nobody ‘succeeds’ without having other people involved in some way, shape, or form.

You are not a silo, you’re a system and the more aligned you are with the reality of this, the better your outcomes – not just materially, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

This idea sits at the heart of the REALNESS philosophy I coach and live by. It’s all about integration and the growth towards wholeness instead of the fragmentation that comes with ego.

We can’t be whole without embracing our connection to others at the deepest level – without acknowledging that we’re not independent but interdependent.

When you can understand that you can see the difference between ‘success’ and ‘significance’.

Significance Is Realness In Action

Significance is what happens when your values become valuable – not just to you, but to the people around you (as it says in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness: “Make your values valuable to others“).

When we consciously live like this and design a vision around making our values more valuable to the world around us, our gifts become an act of service. Your authenticity becomes impact, you stop trying to be ‘special’ and instead become useful by solving problems that only you can solve or helping people to grow based on whatever you might have been through in your own life.

This is when something strange might start to happen:

People start to notice. Because now, you’re relevant to them and their lives.

You’re significant because you’ve taken the focus of yourself and your ego.

Here’s an unfiltered truth that can change your life forever if you grasp it fully:

No one cares about your feelings, your ambitions, or your talents unless they connect to something they care about.

That’s not cynicism but the beautiful reality. Your inner world is valuable to you (to state the obvious) but its true value becomes real when it resonates outward, echoing through other people’s needs, struggles, and desires.

In other words, your ego doesn’t make you significant. Your impact does.

And, like we said, that comes from your realness.

Meaning Is Manufactured, Not Mined

Let’s go philosophical for a second and ask one of the timeless questions that human beings have been asking themselves forever:

“Is life inherently meaningful?”

Arthur Schopenhauer certainly didn’t think so. He argued that if life had intrinsic meaning, we wouldn’t feel boredom which is just an experience of life without anything going on.

When you think about it, boredom is a signal to remind us that without goals, connection, or direction, life can feel painfully empty. In other words, that without a purpose or vision then life will always seem meaningless.

(Unless we’re totally enlightened or something, of course – then we can transcend the mundane emptiness of living out our lives in duality and cause-and-effect).

This is because ‘meaning’ isn’t out there waiting to be discovered like some buried treasure – instead, it’s manufactured. It comes from how you relate to the world, how you engage with others, and what you CHOOSE to build with your time here.

The Mount Fuji Problem

Let me illustrate with a story:

When I lived in Japan, I used to be obsessed with Mount Fuji. From a distance, it’s absolutely stunning – literally iconic, symmetrical, snow-capped and mysterious. But the closer you get, the more you realise it’s… well, a pile of ash. An inspiring pile of ash, sure, but still. Ash is ash.

Once you climb it, you realise that the real beauty is no longer the mountain – it’s the view from either the distance or from the top.

This is an exact illustration of what happens with ego-driven goals:

From afar, they look perfect but the closer you get, the more you see the cracks and realise that they can never fill that Void inside you. In fact, by the time you reach them, you’re already thinking about what’s next. Meaning dissolves, the horizon moves, and you’re back on that hamster wheel.

It’s not the goal that gives life meaning but engaging in the process of building flow as you move towards the goal and the growth and giving embedded in the journey toward something bigger than you.

The Mona Lisa Principle

The same principle applies to art too:

The Mona Lisa is breath-taking until you stand nose-to-canvas and all you can see is cracked paint. The point isn’t to be the Mona Lisa. The point is to see the art in the broader picture. When you’re too close, you miss the real beauty.

That’s the trap of ego-led success: it’s a painting viewed from an inch away. You need perspective. You need connection.

And that’s why you need to aim for significance instead of just ‘success’.

Awareness → Acceptance → Action

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Okay, this hits… but now what?”, then my coaching framework might be able to help you take it up a notch or two.

These three steps will always take you deeper into whatever transformation you’re working on in your life (book a call with me if you’d like to see how you can apply this to whatever you’re working on right now):

1. Awareness (Deconstruct Ego)

Notice where your life is being driven by ego-based ideas of success:

What are you chasing and who told you it mattered?

Who are you trying to impress?

Are your goals an expression of your wholeness or an attempt to run away from some void?

2. Acceptance (Integrate Shadow)

Own the fact that success (as defined by others) may not fulfil you and that there’s probably something more REAL waiting inside you to be unleashed.

Having different standards to society isn’t ‘failure’ – it’s freedom. It means you’re waking up.

Accept that fulfilment requires a new orientation towards realness, service, and connection and start uncovering the emotional and mental blocks that might be keeping you from this.

3. Action (Trust Yourself and Life)

Shift your direction and start taking REAL action:

Ask yourself:

How can I add value to someone else today?
How can I make my values valuable to others?
Where can I contribute instead of only ever consuming?
.

You don’t need to be a monk or a messiah to live meaningfully. You just need to matter -to someone, somewhere, in some way that echoes beyond you and is real and authentic to who you truly are.

Why This Matters Now

We live in an age of disconnection and fragmentation:

Everyone’s “connected” but few feel really ‘seen‘ in their wholeness. We’re all surrounded by talk of success but starving for shared purpose. We celebrate influencers, but rarely ask what they’re influencing us towards (hint: it’s usually ego and spiritual bullsh*ttery).

What we really need is a recalibration and a return to realness.

The greatest leverage point we all have here is to let go of the self-importance of isolated success and to choose the realness of interdependence.

Practical Ways to Move from Success to Significance

Ready to take this from theory to practice? Here are five ways to start right now:

1. Audit Your Goals

Write down your top three goals. For each, ask:

Who does this benefit?
What need am I meeting for myself and others?
Would this still matter if no one praised me for it?
What values are embodied in this?

If your goals are mainly ego-driven, recalibrate and step into your realness.

2. Do One Significant Thing Each Day

This could be mentoring someone, solving a problem for a client, checking in deeply with a friend, or simply sharing something honest and helpful. Make it a habit to be there for others in some way.

3. Flip Your To-Do List

Instead of “What do I need to get done today?” ask:

“What value can I add today?”

The energy behind those questions is radically different and so are the results.

4. Spend Time With Real People Who You Can Be Real With

Avoid echo chambers of ego and insecurity and seek out people who hold you accountable to your real values and who remind you of who you are beneath the image.

Remember that iron sharpens iron and find ways to sharpen yourself for significance.

5. Work With Someone Who Can Guide You Back to Realness

This isn’t a solo journey and transformation doesn’t happen in isolation – we’re all interdependent, after all.

It happens in dialogue, in relationship, in commitment to change.

If you’re serious about rewiring your life towards significance and wholeness so that you can grow real, then you may initially need support.

That’s what I do. And if this article spoke to you, we should probably talk.

Significance will come to you when you make your values valuable to others.

Final Thoughts

Success might look good on paper but significance feels better in your bones.

Stop climbing mountains made of ash and start building bridges that last – the world doesn’t need another shiny version of success. It needs more people becoming real and – from that realness – creating a life that actually means something.

Stay real out there,

I can help you to build a life that feels real – book a call with me to get started.

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number thirty in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.

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