by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
The Dark Night of the Soul is a Process of Purification into REALNESS
There comes a point in may of our lives where something ‘breaks’ (or ‘collapse’ or [however you want to say it]) and we’re asked to face ourselves and life:
I don’t necessarily mean on the surface – not in a dramatic, cinematic way where it can all fit into a neat narrative when you get to the other side of it – but underneath because the fundamental structures that once held everything together begin to loosen, distort, or crumble entirely.
When we find ourselves in this place, what used to feel meaningful now feels hollow, what used to feel certain now feels questionable, and what used to feel like ‘You’ begins to feel strangely unfamiliar and unreal.
This is what has historically been called The Dark Night of the Soul – or La noche oscura del alma – a term first coined by St John of the Cross more than 500 years ago.
The ‘good’ news is that far from being a sign that something has gone ‘wrong’, the Dark Night of the Soul is actually evidence that something is starting to go ‘right’ for a change:
In the language of REALNESS, it can be seen as the process of moving from fragmentation and shame back into wholeness and truth – in other words, it’s the dismantling of everything unreal so that remains can finally stand rooted in reality itself.
Here’s the problem, though:
Most people don’t understand what’s happening when they enter this phase so they resist it, misinterpret it, or try to escape it and in doing so, they prolong their suffering.
This article is here to change that and help you break on through to the other side.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
What the Dark Night of the Soul Really Is
At its core, the Dark Night of the Soul is a process of purification – not in a moral or religious sense, but in a deeply existential one:
It is the stripping away of illusion and the burning off of everything that isn’t aligned with truth.
In REALNESS terms, it’s the movement from:
- Fragmentation → Wholeness
- Shame → Truth
- Ego → Reality
It goes without really needing to be stated that this isn’t exactly a gentle process and this is because the things being stripped away are often the very things we’ve built our identity or self-image on:
- Relationships
- Status
- Beliefs
- Roles
- Narratives about who we are and how life ‘should’ be
- Etc. etc. etc.
Before I ever came across the term “Dark Night of the Soul”, I called this process a “Personal Revolution” based on some ‘stuff’ that I went through in my own life that caused me to drop my old perceptions and update my mental software so I could see something more real.
A “revolution” is exactly what it feels like because the whole process is just about reality swelling up so strongly in your life that you can no longer avoid it:
The illusions you’ve been living in stop working, he ego loses its grip, and you’re forced – whether you like it or not to confront yourself and your own shadow.
It’s not about facing the version of yourself you’ve curated as a kind of performance in life but about the actual truth (which is why our natural tendency is to try and hide).
Why The Dark Night of the Soul Feels So Painful
The pain of the Dark Night of the Soul doesn’t come from truth itself (which can never hurt you) – instead, it comes from losing what we thought was true but wasn’t and attempting to hold onto it.
Most of us unknowingly build our lives around ‘good’ things that we treat as ULTIMATE things:
None of these things are inherently ‘bad’ but when treat them as being the ultimate source of our sense of self and allowing ourselves to feel alive then they become fragile foundations that put us in a risky position for sustaining a healthy relationship with ourselves and life.
What this means is that when reality starts to dismantle the things we’ve treated as the ‘ultimate’ and shows us their true value then it feels like everything is falling apart…because, in a sense, it is.
What’s actually happening during times like this is that false foundations are being removed so that a real one can be uncovered and built upon and that requires going through the fire and burning away anything unreal so that only the ‘gold’ can remain (the real ‘stuff’).
The Three Stages of the Dark Night of the Soul (Through the Lens of REALNESS)
Although everyone’s experience is unique, the Dark Night of the Soul tends to unfold in three broad stages that are universal:
1. Descent: The Cracks Begin to Show
The Descent is where it all starts to unravel and so you begin to notice that the structures of your life – like the beliefs, identities, and systems you’ve relied on – aren’t as solid as you thought.
Some things you might experience at this stage include:
- A loss of meaning or direction.
- Emotional numbness or overwhelm.
- A sense of disconnection from life.
- Questioning everything you once believed.
In short, what used to feel certain now feels shaky and what used to feel fulfilling now feels empty because you’ve entered the beginning of a crisis of meaning.
In REALNESS terms, this is where you start to realise that your life hasn’t been built on truth and wholeness but on ego (false identity) and fragments.
The ‘good’ news is that once you see that, you can’t unsee it which means you’ve reached the point of no return (which means if you keep going you’ll get to the other side of the Dark Night of the Soul and be more complete and grounded in yourself and your own life).
This stage can be confusing because nothing has fully collapsed yet but you can feel it coming – it’s a bit like standing on a structure that’s beginning to crack beneath your feet and knowing that you won’t be able to get away in time to avoid cracking too.
2. The Stripping: Rock Bottom and the Death of Illusion
If you allow the process to unfold, the Descent leads into the most intense phase: The Stripping.
This is where everything unreal begins to fall apart and, yes – it’s often where people hit rock bottom (which believe it or not is better than staying ‘stuck’ in an endless Descent).
That rock bottom can take many forms – for example:
- The breakdown of a relationship.
- Loss of a career or identity.
- Emotional collapse.
- Existential despair.
However it shows up for you, the external event is not the point because the main point is always to see what’s being revealed which is that the ‘ultimate’ things that you were relying on can no longer hold you and that it’s time to switch things up and put your relationship with yourself and life first.
This is where idols get exposed, illusions dissolve, and false beliefs lose their power…and it hurts – sometimes deeply.
It hurts because the ego doesn’t go or change form without a fight and so it resists, clings, and tries to maintain the old structures or replace them with new distractions and distortions from the truth.
This is why many people get stuck in this stage for years (or even longer) – because they fight the process and try to hold on to the unreal things that are being ‘taken’ (really, they’re just being shown to be unreal).
Here’s the truth that will get you through The Stripping, though:
The pain isn’t in the stripping but in the resistance.
When you cling to what is unreal, you create friction but when you breathe and let it fall away, you create space.
This stage isn’t about ‘fixing’ your life but about allowing what is false to fade away.
3. Ascent: Rebuilding on Truth
If you allow the stripping process to complete itself and carry you back to reality then something eventually starts to shift and you begin to see things clearly again.
Things start to look very different:
You’re no longer seeing through the lens of ego, fragmentation, or illusion but you’re seeing and leaning into something TRUE.
This is the beginning of the Ascent and so finally:
- You reconnect with life in a real way.
- You begin to embody truth rather than chase it.
- You build your life on what is stable instead of what’s temporary (i.e. on something whole instead of fragmented).
You’ll find a sense of presence that wasn’t there before and you’ll develop the strength to stop forcing things so you can get in the flow:
At this stage, you’re no longer trying to control reality in order to confirm with the ego that you identified when you first started to the Descent because you’re aligned with your REALNESS.
Coming through the Dark Night of the Soul like this makes you unshakeable – not because life becomes easy but because you’re no longer rooted in things that can be shaken.
What REALNESS Adds to This Understanding
The traditional framing of the Dark Night of the Soul is powerful but understanding all this in relation to your REALNESS makes it practical because it gives you a lens to understand exactly what’s happening and how to move through it.
At its core, REALNESS is about:
- Seeing reality clearly.
- Letting go of what isn’t true.
- Living in alignment with what is.
What this means is that when you’re in the Dark Night of the Soul, the question becomes:
“Where am I holding onto something that isn’t real?“
Understanding this is ‘the work’ that will carry you through the process because it will help you to identify and release the unreal (and to integrate anything real in the Shadow Self that you were initially hiding from).
Practical Steps for Moving Through the Dark Night of the Soul and Growing REAL
The Dark Night of the Soul isn’t just something to understand conceptually but something to live through and to actually experience.
Here’s how to actually navigate it:
1. Radical Awareness: Tell the Truth
Start by being brutally honest with yourself about what’s actually happening:
- What in your life feels misaligned?
- What are you pretending is okay when it isn’t?
- Where are you relying on something external for your sense of self?
Awareness is always the first step to REALNESS because you can’t change what you can’t see.
2. Acceptance: Stop Fighting the Process
This is where most people struggle because they (quite naturally, really) want the growth without the discomfort.
Unfortunately, the Dark Night of the Soul doesn’t work like that and so there absolutely will be some emotional discomfort (which is fine as you can handle it because it’s not physical danger).
At this stage, you might want to ask yourself:
- What am I resisting right now?
- What would it look like to let this unfold?
Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity – it just means not adding extra suffering through resistance.
3. Let Go: Release the Unreal
The core of the process is learning to LET GO of anything unreal.
For example:
- Identities that no longer fit.
- Beliefs that no longer hold up.
- Attachments that are rooted in fear or validation.
This can feel like loss but it’s actually liberation because every unreal thing you release creates space for something real to (re)emerge.
4. Stay With Yourself: Face the Shadow
The Dark Night will bring you face-to-face with parts of yourself you’ve avoided – A.K.A. your shadow self.
To get through the Dark Night of the Soul, you need to face the shadow and meet it instead of running from it:
- What emotions are you avoiding?
- What patterns keep repeating?
- What truths have you been unwilling to face?
Integration happens when you stop rejecting ‘parts‘ of yourself that are real and are never going to go anywhere.
5. Take Real Action: Build on a Foundation of Truth
As you move into the Ascent phase, your actions need to reflect your new level of awareness and acceptance which means that it won’t be ego-driven or force action but REAL ACTION.
This might mean:
- Making difficult decisions.
- Changing direction.
- Letting go of old paths
It always means SHOWING UP in your own life and taking the steps that will move you into deeper wholeness.
Check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you want to go deeper into finding your realness and making life your ‘ultimate’.
The Gift on the Other Side of the Dark Night of the Soul
The Dark Night of the Soul is one of the most difficult processes a human being can go through and there’s no way to really sugar-coat that side of it.
Despite this, it’s also one of the most valuable things we can ever experience because what you gain on the other side can never be taken from you and will always serve you.
We’re talking about things like:
- Clarity
- Wholeness
- Inner stability
- Connection to truth
You stop chasing, stop pretending, and stop building your life on things that can collapse.
Instead, you become rooted, real, and unshakeable.
The Final Word: The Dark Night of the Soul
If you’re in the Dark Night right now, it might not feel like it but you’re not being punished – you’re being refined.
Life is stripping away everything that isn’t true so that you can finally live in alignment with what is and – if you trust the process and let it take what it needs to take – you won’t just get through it but will come out the other side as someone who no longer needs to fear losing anything.
You’ll simply lose some ‘stuff’ that was never real in the first place and make space for the realness to remain.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re in the thick of it and you want to start ascending and growing real then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you find your roots again.
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