by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Control Freakery is What Happens When a Shame-Driven Person Makes Somebody Else Believe that They’re In Control of Themselves
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re being slowly suffocated in a kind of emotional clingfilm? Everything looks shiny on the surface, but underneath, there’s a strange asphyxiation setting in.
Welcome to the world of the control freak.
They might come bearing flowers, compliments, and passionate attention – quoting Rumi and talking about cosmic connections – but, soon enough, the mask slips, the drama begins, and before you know it, you’re second-guessing yourself, apologising for things you didn’t do, and wondering if there’s something ‘wrong’ with you and asking yourself when you lost your spark.
Let’s be real: control freaks are everywhere.
They can be found in romantic relationships, friendships, families, work dynamics, and even spiritual communities. This means that spotting them early is a life skill we all need if we want to protect our peace and keep ourselves in the flow instead of banging our heads up against a brick wall.
What really drives this kind of control freakery? Why are they so invested in orchestrating everything and everyone around them? Why do they have to be ‘right’ about everything all the time? Why can’t they just learn to loosen up and enjoy life?
This article will answer all of these questions and more so you can smell control freakery a mile off and then do something about it (without being a control freak, of course).
Let’s dig a little deeper:
The Psychology Behind Control Freakery and Control Freaks
At the heart of control freakery lies one thing: shame.
Not the healthy kind that reminds you to apologise if you knock over someone’s cappuccino and then disappears – no, this is a deep, toxic and unresolved shame that tells someone they’re fundamentally unworthy, unlovable, and unsafe at the very level of their being.
Control freaks feel this kind of toxic shame to a much higher degree than the average person and the worst thing that they can imagine is having to actually face this shame (which is unfortunate because facing it is what makes it eventually dissolve).
This being the case, they project it onto others – desperately trying to manage their environment and the people in it to avoid triggering the shame lurking in the shadows.
It’s not so much about the people they try to control but about their fragile ego:
To keep the ego intact – which is what is keeping them from facing the shame – they need control, they need power…and they need you to play along.
That’s ultimately what control freakery is all about: making sure the narrative supports their ego so they don’t have to face the shame that hides behind it.
Red Flags: How Control Freaks Hook You In
There a number of common tactics that control freaks use to hook you in and make you easier to control (normally by getting you addicted to their good graces and then withdrawing their attention so that you’ll do their bidding in order to get it back).
Here are some common red flags to look out for:
1. Love Bombing
In the early stages, a control freak can be intoxicating (because you haven’t realised they’re trying to control you yet):
Think candlelit dinners, intense eye contact, grand declarations, and 47 texts before lunchtime – you’re their soulmate. You’ve changed their life. You’re special.
Unfortunately, this isn’t actually love – it’s just control in a glittery dress:
It ‘works’ because love bombing creates emotional dependence fast and you can end up giving them a sense of control before you realise what’s actually going on.
2. Gaslighting
Ever walked away from a conversation feeling like your brain was on backwards?
That’s gaslighting.
It’s when they deny, distort, or reframe reality to make you doubt your memory, perception, or sanity.
Control freaks use gaslighting as a weapon because it keeps you disoriented and easier to manipulate.
Suddenly, you’re the one apologising when they were out of line (because you started to believe their narrative instead of the actual truth).
3. The Chase and Withdraw Cycle
These people often operate like emotional fishermen:
First, they throw the line out with attention, flattery, and desire – then, once you bite, they pull back.
This is commonly known as the “push-pull game”.
This intermittent reinforcement keeps you addicted as you keep hoping for the warm version of them to return, not realising they’re controlling your emotional rhythm in order to get whatever it is that they want from you (which will always be to support their ego and to keep that shame at bay).
4. Control Masquerading As Care
If you bring attention to their control freakery, they’ll say it’s because they “worry about you” or they “just want what’s best” but what they really want is your COMPLIANCE.
“Are you really going to wear that? You look so much better in blue”.
“I don’t think you should hang out with them. They don’t really support you”.
“I’m just looking out for you. You overthink everything”.
It sounds like concern, but it’s really an attempt to dominate your choices and the way that you identity (which, again, will always be an identity that supports the narrative their ego needs to keep its place in their lives).
5. Victimhood Olympics
Control freaks are rarely self-aware – if you call them out, they might collapse into martyr mode:
“Oh, I’m the bad guy again,” or “I can never do anything right“.
By flipping the script like this, they avoid accountability and make you feel like the villain.
All this is is emotional manipulation dressed up as self-pity.
6. Micromanaging and Hypercriticism
Whether it’s your schedule, your tone of voice, or how you stack the dishwasher, control freaks need to have a say about it and what they usually say will be that there’s something ‘wrong’ about the way you’re doing whatever you’re doing.
This is hardly ever about the actual issue and is almost always about their own inner chaos being projected onto you (so they don’t have to face that shame).
In other words, it’s just more projection because by fixing your ‘flaws’ they can avoid facing their own and actually growing real.
7. Silent Treatment and Withholding
This is emotional manipulation 101:
When control freaks don’t get their way, they might go quiet, withdraw affection, or make you work for their attention. This is because they think you’re ‘hooked’ (which you might be) and that you’ll start dancing to their tune again to get another breadcrumb of affection from them.
This passive-aggressive strategy keeps you in emotional limbo, unsure of what you did ‘wrong’ and desperate to fix it.
This desperation is what they feed on because without it their control freakery wouldn’t have any power over you. This is why cultivating an abundance mindset is one of the ways to overcome these kinds of control freaks and to go and find healthier relationships instead (see this article for more about abundance mentality: The Abundance Mindset: Don’t Chase It, Attract it).
Why You Get Pulled In
If you’ve ever found yourself drawn to a control freak, don’t beat yourself up:
Often, it’s because they mirror something familiar from childhood – a parent who made love conditional, or a caregiver who only approved of you when you behaved a certain way.
These dynamics tap into your attachment wounds – the part of you that wants to be chosen, seen, and loved ends up tolerating manipulation because it feels like home.
But that doesn’t mean it’s healthy – it’s just familiar and something that your ego has found itself being built upon.
The Shadow Dance
In Jungian terms, we all have a shadow self – the unconscious parts of us we’d rather not admit to:
Control freaks are locked in the shadow dance: projecting their fear, shame, and inner chaos onto others to avoid facing it in themselves.
The thing is that if you stay in this dance, you’ll just end up losing your own rhythm. Their need for control becomes your daily chaos.
Practical Tips: How To Protect Yourself
1. Don’t Get Hypnotised By Intensity
Intensity is not intimacy – just because someone is expressive and attentive doesn’t mean they’re emotionally safe. Take your time and watch for consistency.
2. Trust Your Gut
If something feels off, it probably is. Your nervous system often knows the truth before your brain does. If you feel drained, confused, or like you’re walking on eggshells, pay attention because this is your body’s way of telling you that the control freak in your life is a threat and not a person you can be safe and real around.
3. Name What You See
Bring the behaviour into the light. “I noticed that when I said no, you gave me the silent treatment which seems disrespectful to me”. If they deflect or attack, that tells you everything you need to know.
4. Set Boundaries Early
Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re doors with locks. If someone resents your boundaries or tries to bypass them, they’re showing you they’re not safe and that they’re own ego is more important than the relationship.
5. Refuse The Guilt Bait
Control freaks love using guilt to manipulate and to make you feel obliged to buy into their game:
Don’t bite. You’re not responsible for someone else’s emotions, expectations, or unhealed wounds (though that doesn’t mean hurt them on purpose – just that facing them is their responsibility).
6. Don’t Try To Fix Them
You can offer compassion but you can’t do their inner work for them. Trying to save or change a control freak often backfires and pulls you deeper into their web. In fact, trying to ‘fix’ or ‘rescue’ people might be one of the reasons that you keep getting locked in this dynamic in the first place.
7. Seek Support
Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or a brutally honest friend, get someone in your corner who can help you stay grounded and see things clearly so you can create a solid strategy for overcoming the unhealthy effects of control freakery.
8. Walk Away If You Need To
Sometimes the healthiest choice is distance. You’re not cruel for walking away from manipulation – you’re just keeping it REAL.
A sacred mantra I like to use when it comes to relationships is “Gimme something real or GFTO”.
Final Thoughts
Control freaks are not inherently evil. Most are just scared, shame-driven people trying to manage their inner turmoil by managing the world. around them.
But that doesn’t mean you should let them manage you.
Your peace, your power, and your clarity matter – you weren’t born to be someone else’s coping mechanism but to be the REALEST possible version of yourself.
Stay aware. Stay grounded. And always, always choose connection over control – especially when that means choosing it within yourself.
Stay real out there,
If you keep finding yourself in relationships with control freaks then you probably need to work on some of your own ‘stuff’ – if you’re interested in coaching, then book a free call with me to get started.
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