by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Are you driven by something REAL or are your strings being pulled by SHAME?
We all know that feeling when we’re not quite ‘ourselves’ – when something inside seems to pull the strings and motivate our actions, making us behave in ways that feel out of character or against the grain of who we know we can truly be.
Sometimes this kind of thing is just a momentary lapse, but for many of us, it’s a constant, underlying tension or restlessness – like we’re on autopilot, reacting to life from a place of emotional compulsion, rather than our capacity to make authentic, self-directed choices.
If you’ve ever found yourself caught up in compulsive habits or unhealthy cycles of behaviour – chasing validation, seeking approval, or acting out of fear or defensiveness – you might be dealing with what I call a ‘Shame Puppet’.
This is something that can affect all of us , whether we’re aware of it or not – and the only way to truly escape its grip and take control of our lives is by reconnecting with our TRUTH and GROWING REAL so that we can dissolve our underlying shame and get into the present moment of our lives as they actually are (not as we sometimes misperceive them to be because our ‘strings’ are constantly being tugged).
Let’s dive into what it means to be a Shame Puppet, why it happens, and most importantly, how you can break free and return to your REALNESS and the life that you’re meant to be living.
What are Shame Puppets?
Imagine a puppet with strings attached to its limbs, controlling its every move: the puppet doesn’t make choices for itself – it’s simply reacting to the strings being pulled and doing what it’s ‘told’ to do.
In a similar way, when we’re caught in the web of shame, we become like those puppets – we react to life not from a place of free will or authenticity, but from a place of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. This makes us act out of compulsion rather than choice and it can affect our whole lives and the way that we SHOW UP (or don’t) whilst we’re here.
The root cause of this ‘puppetry’ is SHAME – that deep, gnawing feeling that something is fundamentally ‘wrong’ with us.
Whether it’s a result of past trauma, societal pressures, or even childhood experiences, shame tells us that we’re not ‘good enough’, that we don’t deserve love, success, or happiness and so – in an attempt to compensate for this feeling of inadequacy – we begin to act in ways that feel safer; chasing external validation, playing the victim, seeking attention, or inflating our sense of self.
These behaviours, though they might temporarily soothe our pain and bring a kind of RELEASE to the TENSION of being unreal, are ultimately addictive – they offer us a quick, fleeting sense of relief but never truly address the root cause.
In fact, the more we act out of shame, the more we become entrenched in the very patterns that keep us stuck and go deeper and deeper into the Void of being unreal.
Why Do We Become Shame Puppets?
The journey to becoming a Shame Puppet often begins early in life:
Maybe it’s through experiences of rejection, neglect, or criticism that cause us to feel disconnected from our true selves and our REALNESS. Or perhaps it’s messages from family, society, or school that reinforce the idea that we’re not ‘good enough’ unless we prove our worth through external accomplishments.
Over time, this disconnect from our true nature creates a split – a void where our real self should be as we create a false version of ourselves to ‘hide’ from the shame and to send many very real ‘parts’ of who we are into the Shadow Territory. This creates a void and a constant sense of inner conflict as the Ego we’ve created to survive the world battles our realness in the form of our Shadow Self (this is the great Shadow Dance between Ego and Shadow).
To try and feel a sense of ‘peace’ or safety, we desperately attempt try to fill and fill the void with external things: attention, validation, achievements, or even the approval of others.
The problem is, no matter how much we chase these things, they can never fill the void because the take us further and further away from the only thing that can ‘fill’ the void: the TRUTH which is what we became disconnected from and which led to our sense of SHAME in the first place (really, shame is just a disconnection from the truth)..
The more we try to compensate for our shame, the more fragmented we become, which just exacerbates the problem – we’re constantly reacting to life, and pulled by strings that we don’t even realise exist.
This emotional fragmentation, this separation from the truth of who we are, leaves us living in a state of disconnection, where we’re on autopilot, following patterns of behaviour that we don’t fully control.
We might even look back on our actions and wonder, “Why did I do that?” – but the answer is simple: our shame was pulling the strings.
The Cycle of Addiction and Compulsion
Shame-driven behaviour is addictive because it helps us to escape all of the feelings that come with the void opened up by the inner split.
Just like any other addiction, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, or even attention-seeking, the initial high feels good because it brings a temporary release, a momentary sense of being ‘seen’ or ‘validated’ (and this seems like it fills the void – if only just for a moment).
Unfortunately, that feeling quickly fades, and we find ourselves chasing it again – the more we chase it, the less satisfaction we get, and the more frantic the pursuit becomes, as we go deeper and deeper into addictive behaviours (chasing that temporary release we got when we first discovered the behaviour in question).
Take, for example, the need for approval:
In the short term, getting attention or praise feels wonderful but, over time, the more we rely on external validation, the more disconnected we become from our own sense of self-acceptance (which means embracing the TRUTh about ourselves).
It reaches the stage, where we start to feel as if we can’t exist without that validation and so the strings of shame just tug and pull on us even harder.
The cycle intensifies as we try to fill that void but the problem is it’s a bottomless pit. Nothing will ever be enough to ‘fill’ it, because the only thing that can heal that void is reconnecting with the truth of who we are and becoming the void by accepting that it only exists as a sign that we’ve disconnected from the truth about ourselves, the world, and reality.
External validation can never replace our internal sense of ‘worth’; only self-acceptance can do that.
Breaking the Strings: Returning to the Truth
So how do we cut these puppet strings and GROW REAL?
The answer is simple, though not always easy: we must reconnect to the truth.
Truth is what we are in our deepest essence0 – the ‘part’ of us that is whole, complete, and unshaken by external circumstances. The truth is the real version of you, the one you were before shame and fear took hold and asked you to walk a path of puppetry instead of presence.
The process of cutting the strings of shame starts with Awareness:
We need to become aware of the patterns that have been pulling our strings, the ways in which we react to life instead of responding to it, and to recognise the compulsive behaviours and thought patterns that keep us stuck in the cycle of shame.
Once we become aware of these patterns and Accept them, we can begin to take Action to change them.
(Awareness, Acceptance and, Action work every time – this is why I always walk my coaching clients through this transformational process).
The first step is almost always learning to respond to life, instead of simply reacting to it – this is where practices like meditation, yoga, and mindfulness come into play: by being present in the moment and cultivating stillness and flow instead of running around and forcing everything (through the mind which is controlled by the puppet strings), we can start to break free from the autopilot mode and make conscious choices.
Practical Steps to Cutting the Strings of Shame
- Get Clear on Your Values
To start cutting the strings of shame, it’s crucial to get clear on your values. What truly matters to you? Is it creativity? Freedom? Health? Humour? Happiness? These values are the compass that will guide you back to your REALNESS. When you know what you stand for, you can begin to build a vision for your life based on those values and to make conscious CHOICES in the moment. - Create a Vision for Your Life
Once you’ve identified your values, it’s time to create a vision for your life. This vision should align with your REAL self, not the version of you that’s driven by shame or external validation. Ask yourself: who do you want to become? What kind of life do you want to live? How does this vision align with your core values? - Set Goals and Break Them Down into Habits
Now that you have a vision, it’s time to break it down into actionable goals. But don’t stop there – create daily habits that support those goals and dedicate yourself to them (almost) daily. Small, consistent actions will help you stay on track and reinforce your commitment to your real self and make a big difference over time (the example I always use is writing: if you write just 100 words a day, that’s 700 in a week, and you could write a whole book in a year – just by taking a small step each day and engaging in the process of your real life). - Shift from Reacting to Responding
The key to breaking free from shame is learning to respond to life, rather than react to it. When you feel the pull of shame or compulsion, pause and ask yourself: What is the real, authentic response here? This takes practice, but over time, you’ll train yourself to respond consciously, rather than acting on autopilot. Check out the free Thought Log on this website which is designed to help you do this (and which works – I’ve seen it with loads of clients now and also use it every day in my Flow Builder Journal). - Embrace the Growth Process
Moving from the ‘shame puppet’ version of yourself to the ‘real you’ is a journey. You’re going to encounter challenges, and old patterns may surface but this is all part of the growth process. Be patient with yourself, and remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. If you fall down, get up again. As long as you keep your vision in mind and take real action, you’ll get where you need to be. - Take Responsibility for Your Choices
Responsibility is about making conscious choices that align with your vision for your life – every time you’re tempted to fall back into old habits, remind yourself of who you’re becoming. You have the power to CHOOSE your response, and each choice brings you closer to your REAL self.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Freedom
Ultimately, breaking free from the strings of shame is about returning to the truth of who you are – it’s about letting go of the false beliefs that keep you trapped in compulsive, reactive behaviour and embracing the freedom that comes from living in a REAL way.
As you move through this process, remember: the journey isn’t always easy (as you fight old social conditioning and even biological impulses), but it’s worth it.
By reconnecting with your values, creating a vision for your life, and learning to respond rather than react, you can start cutting the strings that have been holding you back.
The real version of you is waiting to emerge, and when you allow that to happen, you’ll find a freedom that you never thought possible:
You’ll find your REALNESS!
If you’re ready to stop being a Shame Puppet and start living the life you were meant to live, get in touch. I work with clients to help them reconnect with their real selves, create a vision for their life, and take the necessary steps to bring it to life. Together, we’ll break the strings and unleash your REALNESS.
Stay real out there,
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