by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

REAL always shines in its own way but UNREAL is always clouded with the same darkness: SHAME.

There’s a reason why the REAL ones shine in a way that makes them unforgettable…their glow is unique, a light they’ve cultivated by stepping fully into who they are and embracing WHOLENESS instead of splitting themselves into imaginary fragments.

In contrast, the UNREAL ones – the people trapped in the shadows of their own shame – blend into sameness, their brilliance clouded by the same universal darkness of being disconnected from who they really are and living out their lives in the VOID.

The difference lies in the choice (or lack thereof) to confront UNRESOLVED SHAME:

Realness comes from facing and dissolving it, while unreality is born from avoiding it.

And, here’s the thing: shame doesn’t ask for permission to hold you back; it just takes over, wrapping you in fear, disconnection, and stagnation until you either wake up and reclaim your life or remain stuck in its grip.

But what does this mean in practice?

Why does shame have so much power to dim our light?

And how can we break free to let the realness shine through?

Let’s take a look and see what we can learn:

Shame: The Architect of the Unreal Self (EGO)

Shame is insidious. It’s not a loud, dramatic force; it’s a quiet, suffocating presence that convinces you to shrink away from the world. When shame takes root, it builds what can only be described as “the house that shame built” – a house of lies with walls constructed from false beliefs about who you are, what you’re capable of, and how the world sees you.

Living in this house means disconnecting from your realness. Your nature, your gifts, your relationship with truth – these are the first things to go. You lose sight of your purpose and vision because shame tells you they’re not worth pursuing. And so, instead of shining, you dim yourself to fit in, to avoid judgment, or to escape the unbearable idea that you’re somehow not ‘enough’.

Here’s the cruel irony: everyone living in the house that shame built ends up holding back and hestitating in the same way:

Their avoidance of realness leads them to follow the same patterns of hiding, fear, and control freakery – they become frozen, paralysed by the thought of stepping out of their comfort zone and letting their true selves be ‘seen’ (despite this being what they truly want deep down inside themselves).

Frozen by Fear

Shame thrives on F.E.A.R – it creates a web of “false evidence appearing real” that convinces you to stay small. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of not being perfect – these are the weapons shame uses to keep you trapped behind an idea of yourself instead of an experience of the real thing.

But what are we really afraid of?

At its core, it’s the fear of returning home to ourselves and connecting to something whole instead of just the fragments that shame has asked us to identify with (for a sense of false security).

Deep down, we know that breaking free from shame requires us to confront the parts of ourselves we’ve avoided for so long. It means letting go of the comfort of the unreal and stepping into the discomfort of authenticity and returning back to REALNESS.

This fear freezes us – we become stuck in ego-driven behaviours:

Control freakery: Trying to micromanage life to avoid uncertainty (which always triggers shame if we don’t know how to fill the Void with wholeness instead of fear).
Comparison: Measuring ourselves against others instead of focusing on our own real gifts and realising that in truth their is no way to compare (because what’s REAL is beyond comparison).
Negativity: Resenting others who seem freer or more authentic (because we’re projecting our own UNREALITY onto them).
Doubt: Constantly questioning our worth and abilities (because shame makes us externalise our self-acceptance instead of just embracing it and being rooted in something TRUE – shame, ultimately, is just a disconnection from TRUTH).

It’s exhausting, isn’t it? But here’s the ‘good’ news: shame can only hold you back for as long as you let it.

The Thaw: Taking Real Action

The antidote to shame is simple but not easy: real action (book a call with me to start taking it).

To break free from the house that shame built, you have to thaw yourself out, step by step, and re-engage with life.

Real action is about moving toward what’s true for you, even if it scares you. It’s about facing the discomfort of uncertainty, of making mistakes, of being ‘seen’ as you truly are. But every step you take in this direction chips away at the walls of shame and brings you closer to your realness – instead of being shame-driven, you can become shame-dissolving and then totally free.

Here are some ways to start thawing out:

Embrace Vulnerability
Shame feeds on secrecy and silence. The more you hide, the stronger it becomes. But when you share your truth – your fears, your struggles, your dreams – you strip shame of its power. Vulnerability is an act of courage and it’s also the key to connection with others and modelling healthy and REAL relationships with yourself, the world, and reality itself.
Stop Judging Yourself
Judgement is the opposite of acceptance and you can only accept the TRUTH (the opposite of shame). Every time you judge yourself, you reinforce the belief that you’re not enough – instead, practise self-compassion. Acknowledge your flaws without letting them define you and see yourself as being ‘real’ which is always beyond judgements of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Embrace all parts of yourself and the EGO that shame created for you has to change form and free you to move with life instead of against it.
Own Your Choices
Shame loves to keep you in a state of passivity, waiting for permission or external validation. Real action means taking responsibility for your life. What do you want? What steps can you take today to move closer to it? Create a vision, break it down into goals, and create the habits that will take you there. Check out my free 7-day course with 158-page workbook to get started.
Challenge Unreal Beliefs
The house that shame built is full of lies. Start identifying the stories you’ve been telling yourself—“I’m not talented enough”, “People will judge me”, “I don’t deserve this” -and challenge them. Are they really true, or are they just the voice of shame trying to keep you small? Many of your thoughts are unreal (if you’re stuck) and a reaction to your shame rather than anything real – if you train yourself to catch unreal thoughts and switch focus to something REAL you’ll change your life (check out the free thought log on this site which is designed to help with this).
Reconnect with Your Purpose
Realness shines brightest when it’s aligned with purpose. What makes you come alive? What do you feel called to contribute to the world? Start taking small steps toward this vision, even if it feels daunting. Figure out your values and try to make your values valuable to others through action – day-after-day, you’ll take another step into wholeness and the fragments of shame will dissipate.

The Glow of Realness

When you thaw out and start taking real action, something incredible happens: you get your glow back.

Realness has a magnetic quality. It’s not about perfection or having it all figured out; it’s about being unapologetically yourself and living your REAL life. When you step into your own light, you give others permission to do the same – your uniqueness becomes your strength, and you stop comparing yourself to others because you realise that no one else can shine in the way you do (and you accept them because you can’t shine like they do).

Contrast this with the unreal ones, still trapped in the house that shame built:

Their sameness isn’t a coincidence – it’s a product of their disconnection from the TRUTH about themselves and life. When you’re hiding behind shame, you can only mimic the patterns of others – but when you’re real, you create something entirely your own by just allowing what’s true to express itself through you and not BLOCKING it with the EGO that only exists because you got shamed somewhere down the line.

From Stuck to Flow

One of the biggest shifts that comes with breaking free from shame is the transition from being stuck to being in flow.

Shame creates stasis. It keeps you frozen, unable to move forward because you’re too afraid of what might happen. Realness, on the other hand, allows you to embrace flux – the natural state of life. When you’re real, you stop forcing life and start flowing with it, and – in this state of flow – you become adaptable. Challenges don’t paralyse you; they become opportunities to learn and grow. You stop clinging to outdated identities and allow yourself to evolve.

Life becomes less about control and more about creativity and TRUTH.

The Power of Letting Go

Ultimately, breaking free from shame is about letting go:

Letting go of the need to be perfect.
Letting go of the fear of being judged.
Letting go of the stories that have kept you small.

When you let go, you make space for something new: your real self. And when you’re real, you shine in a way that no one else can.

So, if you’re feeling stuck, ask yourself: How is shame holding me back? Fear? Unreal expectations? Something else?

When you’ve figured out your answer, take one small step toward realness. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s worth it.

Stay Real

The bottom line is simple: the world doesn’t need more unreal people hiding behind the same darkness – it needs more real ones, shining in their own light and bringing some of that light to an increasingly dark world.

When you step into your realness, you inspire others to do the same; you become a beacon of what’s possible – a reminder that life is meant to be lived fully, not from behind the walls of shame.

Stay real out there,

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.