by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Resentment Can Hold You Back From Your REALNESS…Here’s How To Overcome It
One of the most difficult things to deal with when it comes to relationships with other human beings here on Planet Earth is resentment.
For the purpose of this article, resentment refers to the lingering feelings of anger, bitterness, or even hatred towards a person because of how they’ve shown up in the past and – perhaps more importantly – how they’ve made us feel about ourselves.
Resentment is the grudge we carry, often long after the moment has passed – a kind of sticky, emotional residue that refuses to dissolve.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth that not everybody is ready or willing to accept:
If you want to grow REAL, then you can’t just ‘manage’ resentment – you have to deeply understand it because resentment isn’t just about them…it’s also feedback about you.
I don’t mean this in a ‘blaming‘ sense but in a revealing one because resentment shows you where your ego has been threatened, where your sense of control has been challenged, and where reality has refused to bend to your expectations.
If you can learn to read this kind of feedback properly, then resentment stops being a burden and starts becoming a doorway back into flow, truth, and wholeness.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Overcoming Resentment: What We'll Cover in this Article
- Resentment Can Hold You Back From Your REALNESS…Here’s How To Overcome It
- Where Resentment Really Comes From
- The Cost of Maintaining the Ego & Suppressing the Shadow Self
- When Control Meets Reality
- The Ego & Resentment: A Simple Example
- What Resentment Is Really Doing
- The Role of “Idols” in Resentment
- Are There Actually ‘Bad’ People?
- Letting Go of Resentment: The Path Back to Realness
- 1. Acknowledge the Resentment (Without Justifying It)
- 2. Ask the Real Question
- 3. Identify the Idol / Unicorn
- 4. Feel What You’ve Been Avoiding
- 5. Let the Identity/Ego Collapse (Where It Needs To Because It’s Holding Onto Something UNREAL)
- 6. Re-enter the Flow
- The Final Word: Overcoming Resistance
Where Resentment Really Comes From
Before we can talk about overcoming resentment, we need to understand the human condition a little more clearly so we can set the context of what’s going on:
At the risk of oversimplifying something complex, we can say that most people are operating with at least two versions of themselves:
1. The Ego
This is the version of you that you present to the world – it’s your identity, your self-image, and your story about who you are.
It’s the part of you that gives you a set of labels to live by that give you a sense of security in the world:
- “I’m successful”
- “I’m a good person”
- “I’m strong”
- “I’m in control”
- Etc. etc. etc.
The ego isn’t inherently bad because it serves the function of helping you to navigate the world.
Unfortunately, it’s also selective, fragile, and heavily invested in maintaining a certain image instead of aligning you with actual REALITY.
2. The Shadow Self
This is name for all of the hidden ‘parts’ of you that don’t fit the ego’s narrative:
It contains everything that has been pushed out of awareness because it contradicts the identity/ego you’re trying to maintain and so it essentially includes anything you’ve labelled as ‘bad’ or ‘unacceptable’ – like insecurity, jealousy, fear, and shame – but also things that might actually be very ‘good’ but nevertheless inconvenient, like vulnerability, softness, or a desire for connection.
The shadow self isn’t unreal – in fact, it’s actually more real than the ego because it’s WHOLE and not FRAGMENTED…it’s just been exiled and doesn’t get to show up as often as it needs to.
The Cost of Maintaining the Ego & Suppressing the Shadow Self
Most people are unconsciously committed to maintaining their ego at all costs because underneath the surface, exist feelings they don’t want to face like shame, guilt, and/or trauma (the Unholy Trinity) along with fear and other unresolved emotional pain.
If these feelings were allowed into awareness, the current version of the ego wouldn’t be able to survive in the same way and so we suppress the shadow and double down on the ego.
We try to stay in control, we try to filter life through our identity/ego, and we try to make reality conform to our expectations – in doing so, we buy into three major illusions:
- Control – the belief that we can dictate outcomes and always get the results we want when we want them.
- Independence – the belief that we exist in isolation from everybody and everything else.
- Separation – the belief that we are fundamentally disconnected from others and life itself.
In the short term, this can feel empowering because it makes us feel like a GOD in our own lives (in the sense of being omnipotent and omniscient) but – in the long-term – it juts creates friction because none of it is actually real.
When Control Meets Reality
Understanding everything we’ve just said can help us to start seeing where resentment begins to form and it all comes back to seeing how the EGO needs us to keep avoiding reality.
Basically, when you’re filtering your life through the ego, you only really feel ‘good’ when:
- Things go your way.
- People validate your identity.
- Reality reflects the image you have of yourself.
- Etc. etc. etc.
The unfortunate problem is that other people in the world around us are all doing the exact same thing because they also have egos to maintain, control systems to help them do it, and self-images they’re trying to get the world to buy into.
What this means is that, eventually, your system is going to collide with theirs – not because anything has gone ‘wrong’ but because you’re not actually independent and isolated like the ego needs you to believe… you’re actually INTERDEPENDENT.
“Interdependence” means that your life will inevitably include people and situations that:
- Show you that you’re not fully in control.
- Refuse to see you the way your ego needs to be seen.
When this happens, the ego feels threatened because the shadow self gets triggered, and so resentment starts to kick in.
The Ego & Resentment: A Simple Example
Let’s say your ego is built around being a high-performing, results-driven person – what they used to call a “Type A” identity (I used to be one of these people before I woke up so I’m writing from experience).
When you’re like this, you pride yourself on taking action for the sake of being busy (not because it’s REAL), getting results (as a way of filling the Void), and being ‘productive’ (as a distraction) and living like this as much as possible is how you maintain your sense of self.
Now imagine you’re in this ‘Type A’ state and then you meet someone like a parent, a colleague, or a partner who isn’t impressed with what you’re doing or doesn’t validate your achievements in the way you think you ‘deserve’ – they might even criticise you or dismiss what you’re doing.
Suddenly, something gets triggered – not just irritation but something MUCH deeper.
This is because what they’ve done is challenge your identity and shown shown you that:
- You’re not in complete control of how you’re perceived.
- Your achievements don’t guarantee validation.
- Your sense of self is more fragile than you thought.
This shows you that your ego’s whole control strategy is actually flawed and this just brings the shadow closer to the surface (and all of the insecurity, doubt, and needs for approval that keep us in ego instead of integrating it and growing real).
Instead of seeing that this is what’s going on, the default human tendency is to externalise it and then RESENT them.
What Resentment Is Really Doing
Resentment, then, is ultimately a defence mechanism that allows you to avoid confronting what’s been triggered inside you by projecting the problem outward.
Instead of asking “What is this showing me about myself?”, you unconsciously decide “They’re the problem” and so – as long as you hold onto that story – you can keep your ego intact.
The cost of this is that resentment keeps you stuck, disconnected from your (real) self and lie, and keeps you in friction with reality.
In other words, it keeps you from growing and integrating the hidden ‘parts’ of yourself (in the shadow self) so you can become more whole.
The Role of “Idols” in Resentment
Another piece of the puzzle is that – if you look closely at your resentment(s) – you’ll often find something sitting on a pedestal.
This “something” is something that you believe will “save” you (from your own disconnection to yourself and life in the Void) and something your ego has decided is essential to your identity because it’s taken a ‘good’ thing and turned it into an ULTIMATE thing.
These are what they used to call idols (you can also call them unicorns) and they might include:
- Money
- Status
- Power
- Intelligence
- Attractiveness
- Being ‘right
- Being admired or respected
There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of these things – like we said, they’re often ‘good’ things but the problem is when you attach your sense of self to them and treat them like the ULTIMATE then anyone who threatens those things…threatens you.
And that’s where resentment grows.
For example:
- If your identity is built around being intelligent, you’ll resent people who make you feel stupid.
- If your identity is built around being attractive, you’ll resent those who overlook or reject you.
- If your identity is built around success, you’ll resent those who don’t acknowledge the things you think make you successful.
In each case, the resentment isn’t just about the other person but about your attachment to the ‘idol’ and what you think it can do for you (because you became detached from the things that can give you what you really want which are hidden in the shadow self).
Are There Actually ‘Bad’ People?
Let’s be clear, though: this doesn’t mean there aren’t people in the world who behave badly and that it’s always about you and your shadow ‘stuff’.
There are definitely (unfortunately) people who lie, manipulate, neglect, and harm others and, sometimes, anger is an appropriate reaction to these types of people (because anger is the “dignity emotion” that helps you protect yourself and the things you care about).
What this means is that boundaries are necessary in life and, sometimes, distance is the right choice…
…but resentment is something different because it LINGERS and so you carry it further down the path than you need to which just keeps you emotionally tied to a situation long after it’s over.
If you find yourself dealing with resentment, then it means you’re holding on when you don’t need to so it’s worth asking “What am I refusing to let go of?” because, often, it’s not just the person – it’s the identity that got threatened which is the problem.
Letting Go of Resentment: The Path Back to Realness
If resentment is rooted in ego and control, then overcoming it isn’t about forcing forgiveness or pretending everything is okay but simply about returning to reality by letting go of what isn’t real.
What this ultimately means is reintegrating what’s been pushed into the shadow so that you don’t get ‘triggered’ because of your self-image (ego) and idols.
Here’s how you can start doing this in a practical way:
1. Acknowledge the Resentment (Without Justifying It)
The first step is honesty with yourself about what you’re actually feeling (most of us have a gap between the ego and the shadow because we don’t feel our feelings).
Don’t dress it up, spiritualise it, or pretend you’re “above it” – that’s all EGO so just admit the raw facts of the situation so you can start moving on:
“I feel resentment towards this person”.
Acknowledging this alone creates space but the key is knowing that you don’t need to immediately justify it to yourself or make excuses about why you resent the person in question etc.
Justification keeps the focus externalised which is part of the problem so, instead, just stay with the feeling.
Let it be there.
2. Ask the Real Question
Once you’ve acknowledged the resentment, then you can start to dig a little deeper into what’s going on.
A great question at this stage is simply?
“What has this person shown me about myself?”
(Not in a self-blaming way but in a curious way)
Look for things like:
- Where your sense of control was challenged.
- Where your identity or self-image felt threatened.
- What emotion got triggered underneath the anger.
3. Identify the Idol / Unicorn
“What did I need to be true in this situation in order to feel okay?”
The answer to this question will usually point to an idol which will be something like:
- “I needed them to respect me”.
- “I needed to be seen as successful”.
- “I needed to be right”.
- Etc. etc. etc.
Once you see it, you can question it and see if whatever it is is really the ‘thing’ that defines you or if it’s just something the ego has clung to.
(Hint: the only ULTIMATE is your relationship with life itself).
4. Feel What You’ve Been Avoiding
Underneath resentment, there’s almost always a more difficult emotion that we’ve been trying to avoid.
The most common ones are:
- Shame
- Guilt
- Trauma
- General hurt
- Rejection
- Fear
The ego resists these feelings because they threaten its structure but these feelings are part of your reality and if you don’t feel them, you can’t integrate them.
(“You gotta feel it to heal it”).
Instead of staying in the story about the other person, make the CHOICE to bring your attention back to your body and feel what’s there without trying to ‘fix’ it or to escape from it.
This is where real processing of emotions actually happens (“process your emotions” sounds complicated but it just means that you FEEL YOUR FEELINGS and let them move through you because emotions are “e-motion, energy in motion”).
5. Let the Identity/Ego Collapse (Where It Needs To Because It’s Holding Onto Something UNREAL)
This is the part most people avoid because it feels like losing something but what you’re actually losing is a false layer (and you can’t lose anything REAL anyway).
If your resentment is tied to an identity like being “the successful one”, “the smart one”, “the strong one”, or the “[whatever] one” then letting go of the resentment means letting that identity soften.
This doesn’t mean that it has to disappear completely (you probably have a lot of good qualities enshrined within this identity worth holding on to) but it does mean loosening the grip.
When you let go like this your FREEDOM becomes available to you again and you can act in a responsive and not reactive way.
If you’re ready to start facing your shadow self and growing into your realness then check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.
6. Re-enter the Flow
When you’re no longer trying to control how everything looks, feels, or turns out then you’re actually FREE to engage with life again without friction, force, or the constant need for validation.
You move from:
- Control → Participation
- Ego → Reality
- Resistance → Flow
In this REAL state, resentment doesn’t have anything to hold onto and so you can just be whatever it is that you are.
The Final Word: Overcoming Resistance
Resentment feels powerful, justified, and even feel protective but – in reality – it’s a clear signal that something in your inner world is out of alignment with what’s real.
The short-version is that it’s showing you where you’ve:
- Clung to control.
- Attached to identity.
- Avoided feeling something deeper.
If you’re willing to listen to this signal instead of fighting it or feeding it then it can guide you back to wholeness because – at the end of the day – realness isn’t about being in control but about being in truth.
And the truth doesn’t need resentment to survive.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to let go of your resentments and start growing REAL then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you shift gear and take real action.
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