by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Blame is always unreal and just makes life harder.

Life is full of interactions and challenges, some pleasant and others decidedly less so. But have you ever stopped to consider your role in shaping these situations?

This isn’t about self-flagellation or endless guilt trips; it’s about recognising a liberating truth: we contribute to our circumstances and – once we accept this – we open the door to real growth, learning, and transformation.

Contribution and blame are two sides of the same coin, yet they lead us down vastly different paths – one REAL and one unreal: while blame keeps us stuck in defensiveness, contribution empowers us to step into the driver’s seat of our lives.

The Subtle Art of Contribution

If taking responsibility means recognising that life is inevitably messy and that we control how we respond to it, contribution is about seeing how we played a role in creating the mess in the first place.

This doesn’t mean we’re at fault for everything bad that happens to us – life is far more complex and complicated than that – but it does mean that our actions, choices, and attitudes are often part of the equation.

Let’s break this down with a few scenarios:

You’ve had a heated argument with a friend. While their behaviour might seem unreasonable, did you perhaps say something inflammatory or fail to communicate your feelings earlier, allowing resentment to simmer?
You’re stuck in an elevator with a dead phone battery. Did you ignore that low-battery warning all morning? Or choose to skip the stairs because you were in a rush?
You’re facing a serious health issue. Genetics and luck certainly play a part, but maybe your lifestyle choices – diet, exercise, stress – have contributed to the situation as well.

Even in situations where we feel like pure victims of circumstance, examining our contributions can be surprisingly enlightening because – ultimately – from one moment to the next we’re making CHOICES and these choices build up over time and CONTRIBUTE to whatever we’re experiecing right now.

Maybe we didn’t directly cause the event, but did we ignore warning signs, avoid making a decision, or resist change when it was needed?

If we’re not where we currently want to be then it’s because we didn’t contribute in the REAL way we needed to by making the CHOICES that would take us there – being aware of this can help you get where you ultimately want to be going: your REAL life.

Contribution as a Superpower

Here’s the thing: assuming we contribute to our circumstances isn’t about self-blame—it’s about empowerment.

Blame is paralysing and always a consequence of EGO. It traps us in a reactive mindset where we spend energy pointing fingers or defending ourselves because of underlying shame, guilt, and/or trauma.

Contribution, on the other hand, shifts the focus to something far more productive: what can I learn from this and what can I do differently next time?

When we embrace contribution, we take ownership of our role in life’s dramas without drowning in shame. It’s a mindset that says, “I am not powerless and I am capable of change.” This subtle shift can transform not only how we deal with life’s difficulties but also how we relate to the people around us.

Why We Resist Contribution

So, if contribution is so powerful, why don’t we default to it more often? Blame is easier and it helps us to avoid our inner emotional ‘stuff’. It’s as simple as that.

Blame protects our ego which always only exists because of something insides ourselves we have a fear of facing (usually because of the great Shadow Dance between the Ego and Shadow Self). When something goes wrong, our knee-jerk reaction is often to defend ourselves (or, more accurately, the image of ourselves that keeps the ego in place).

After all, if we admit we’re partially at fault, it means we might have made a mistake. And if there’s one thing the ego can’t stand, it’s being wrong. We prefer to rewrite the story in a way that paints us as innocent bystanders, victims, or even heroes.

This defensive instinct is deeply ingrained. Human beings like to think of themselves as rational decision-makers who consistently make good choices. Blame threatens that comforting illusion, while contribution challenges us to admit that we’ve been less-than-perfect. And, let’s be honest, nobody likes to be reminded of their imperfections (even though that’s what will set them FREE in the end because it leads to humility).

But here’s the thing: avoiding responsibility for our contributions doesn’t make the problem go away. It only ensures that we’ll keep repeating the same mistakes, locked in a cycle of frustration and stagnation and always being lost in the VOID instead of living our real lives.

The Magic of Owning Your Contribution

When we stop resisting and start exploring how we’ve contributed to a situation, something incredible happens: we gain clarity. Instead of wasting time defending ourselves or fixating on what others did wrong, we can channel that energy into something constructive like our real vision, goals, and habits.

This approach works wonders in relationships:

When conflicts arise, our default reaction is often to justify our behaviour or shift the blame to the other person. But what if, instead, we paused and asked, “How did I contribute to this?”

For example:

Did I fail to express my needs clearly?
Did I dismiss their feelings or act insensitively?
Did I bring unresolved issues into the interaction?

Asking these questions doesn’t mean letting the other person off the hook for their behaviour – it simply shifts us into a collaborative mindset where we’re focused on finding solutions rather than assigning blame.

In a reality where we’re all interconnected, our contributions shape the dynamic of every relationship we’re in. Recognising this can lead to deeper connections and more meaningful interactions.

Contribution in Practice

Curious how to start applying this mindset in your own life? Here are a few practical steps to explore your contributions:

Pause and Reflect
When something goes wrong, take a moment to breathe before reacting. Ask yourself, “What role might I have played in this situation?”
Separate Contribution from Fault
Remember, acknowledging your contribution doesn’t mean taking all the blame (because ‘blame’ is always unreal). Life is a shared experience, and multiple factors are usually at play.
Ask for Feedback
In conflicts with others, be brave enough to ask, “How do you think I contributed to this?” This can be a humbling but eye-opening exercise.
Learn and Adjust
Use what you’ve discovered to make better choices in the future. View each situation as an opportunity to grow, rather than a verdict on your character.
Forgive Yourself
Recognising your contributions can bring up feelings of regret or shame. Let those feelings go. You’re human, and the fact that you’re reflecting and learning is a victory in itself that will eventually dissolve shame and lead to REALNESS.

Contribution and the Interconnectedness of Life

At its core, the concept of contribution is about recognising our interdependence. We’re not isolated islands drifting through life – we’re part of a vast, interconnected system where our actions ripple outward, shaping the world around us. This is both a responsibility and a gift.

When we adopt a mindset of contribution, we stop seeing life as something that happens to us and start seeing it as something we co-create. This doesn’t just make us more effective individuals – it also makes us better partners, friends, and community members. By owning our contributions, we inspire others to do the same, creating a ripple effect of accountability and real growth.

The Dance of Contribution

Think of life as a dance:

Each interaction, each situation is a choreography of countless contributions. Sometimes we lead; sometimes we follow. Sometimes we step on toes. But it always takes two to tango.

By focusing on how we contribute to the dance, we become more attuned to its rhythm. We learn to move with grace, adapt to unexpected steps, and – most importantly – enjoy the dance for what it is: a beautiful, messy, shared experience towards wholeness.

So the next time you find yourself in a tough spot, resist the urge to point fingers. Instead, ask yourself: “What part of this dance was mine?” The answers might surprise you – and they might just set you free (even if it does piss you off at first).

Stay real out there,

*Based on ‘Revolution’ number seven in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

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Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness is a book designed to help you look at your life from the inside-out so that you can stop holding yourself back and go get what you really want.

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