by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
You Won’t Grow Real Until You Realise It’s All Become Unreal
Have you ever been so deeply invested in something – a relationship, a job, an idea, a vision – that you ignored every sign it wasn’t working? You poured everything into it, convinced that if you just worked harder, stayed up later, or gritted your teeth for long enough, it would all come together.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t. And you were left with a creeping sense of unease, frustration, and maybe even the empty, restless feeling of the VOID. If this sounds familiar, then congratulations – you’ve danced with the unreal.
Here’s an uncomfortable truth that eventually hits most of us if we’re lucky: you won’t grow real until you have a moment of reckoning where you realise it’s all become unreal.
The Trap of “It’s All Up to Me”
When we stop trusting – whether it’s trusting ourselves or life itself and the natural flow of events – we fall into a dangerous delusion. We believe it’s all on us. Every decision, every outcome, every hurdle must be conquered through sheer force of will. Sounds noble, doesn’t it? Except it isn’t. It’s ego.
This “me against the world” mentality isn’t a sign of strength; it’s a subtle symptom of mistrust. It’s a mindset that quietly disconnects us from reality and ushers us onto a path that’s totally unreal.
Why? Because when we think it’s all up to us, we stop listening to the subtle guidance life offers. We lose touch with our intuition and promptings from wholness itself – those quiet nudges that point us toward what’s actually aligned with our realness.
Instead, we push forward, forcing outcomes to serve our ego’s agenda rather than our realness and -because strength can only come from something REAL – that means that we’re making ourselves weaker by forcing instead of flowing and letting go.
The Journey of Forcing
In the beginning, this forcing can feel productive. You might even mistake it for inspiration. You’ve got drive, ambition, hustle! But there’s a difference between inspiration – that natural spark that flows effortlessly – and the sweat-drenched slog of willpower-driven perspiration.
The problem is, many of us confuse the two:
We take the inspiration that initially motivated us and, somewhere along the way, replace it with pure effort and force of will. We condition ourselves to associate progress with stress, struggle, and exhaustion. And because we’ve invested so much in walking this path, we become blind to the fact that it’s taking us nowhere.
This is where the sunk cost fallacy creeps in. We think, “I’ve come this far; I can’t stop now”, or, “If I just push a little harder, it’ll all pay off”.
So, we double down. We ignore the signs that life and TRUTH are nudging us in a different direction. We stop listening to ourselves and life because we don’t trust either.
The end result? We bang our heads against the same metaphorical wall, again and again, convinced that persistence will somehow make things work but it never can because force is always unreal and we can only get results in reality.
The Itch That Can’t Be Scratched
Living in this state is like having an itch you can’t scratch. No matter what you achieve or how hard you try, there’s a nagging sense that something is missing. It might show up as frustration, stress, or even a low-level existential dread.
Some people stay in this cycle their whole lives (what Thoreau called “Lives of quiet desperation”). They keep forcing, chasing, and striving, waiting for a breakthrough that never comes. Others burn out, defeated by the constant stress and pressure of carrying the world on their shoulders.
But for a lucky few, something clicks. They get the message. They realise that the wall they’ve been banging their head against isn’t real. In fact, it never was. That’s when they can finally say “Enough is enough” and start making some REAL changes.
The Moment of Realisation
I’m speaking from experience here. I used to be a wall-banger extraordinaire. Every day, I’d throw myself into my goals, thinking that if I just pushed hard enough, I’d break through. But all I got in the end was frustration and a growing sense of dissatisfaction.
Then, one day, it hit me: there was no wall. The only thing I was banging against was myself – my own resistance, my own mistrust, my own unwillingness to let go. My own EGO.
That moment of realisation was both humbling and liberating. I saw that all my effort, all my forcing, wasn’t making life better; it was making me miserable. And the only way forward was to stop. To let go.
Letting Go and Trusting
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means releasing the need to control everything and trusting that life has its own rhythm, its own flow. It’s about recognising that real growth doesn’t come from forcing; it comes from allowing things to happen and making them work in aligment with our real vision.
When you let go, you create space. Space for clarity, for inspiration, for alignment. You start to notice the signs and signals you missed before because you were too busy pushing. You reconnect with yourself and with life.
This isn’t always easy. Trust requires vulnerability. It asks you to surrender the illusion of control and embrace the unknown. But here’s the paradox: the more you let go, the more life tends to work out. Not always in the way you expected (because those expectations were often just ego anyway), but often in a way that’s far better.
Getting Real
Realness isn’t something you achieve by force. It’s something you uncover by peeling back the layers of ego, fear, and resistance. It’s about stepping off the path of ‘should’ and onto the path of TRUTH.
When you stop forcing and start trusting, you align with what’s real. You stop living in service of the ego – with its endless demands and insecurities – and start living in service of your REALNESS of being.
And here’s the beautiful thing: when you’re real, life gets real too. You meet the right opportunities, relationships, and experiences not because you’re chasing them, but because you’re ready for them.
The Courage to Mix Things Up
Let’s be honest: admitting you’re on the wrong path is hard. It takes courage to stop, reassess, and pivot. But staying on an unreal path just because you’ve invested time and energy into it is even harder.
If you’re feeling stuck, frustrated, or disconnected, take a step back. Ask yourself: Am I forcing this? Am I listening to myself and life? Am I chasing an idea of ‘success’ that isn’t even mine and has nothing to do with my real values?
Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is let go of what’s not working and trust that something better will take its place.
It’s Way Better
Trusting life doesn’t mean you won’t face challenges. It doesn’t mean everything will magically fall into place without effort or real action. But it does mean you’ll stop wasting your energy on things that aren’t aligned with your realness.
When you trust, you step into a creative state of wholeness. You stop reacting to life and start co-creating with it. You find flow, ease, and a sense of purpose that no amount of forcing can ever replicate.
So…if you’re still banging your head against the wall, maybe it’s time to pause and ask yourself: Is this real? Or am I just caught in the illusion that it’s all up to me?
Let go. It’s way better. And trust me, real life is waiting on the other side.
Stay real out there,
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