by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
You Are What You Do So Make Sure You’re Doing Something REAL to Get the Results You Really Want in Life
There’s an old quote that’s been attributed to various people that says something like “Don’t tell me what you value. Show me your calendar and your bank statement and I’ll tell you what you value“:
It’s one of the simplest truths you’ll ever hear but it’s also one of the hardest to swallow because it reminds us of one of the harsh facts of life which is that:
If you want to BE something then you have to DO the things that get results and make that something REAL.
That sounds almost insultingly obvious yet people seem to forget this simple truth about life and get lost in all kinds of mental and emotional complexities and complications.
Let’s look at getting results and becoming what we want to become in the simplest possible terms:
Want to be a baker? Bake. Want to be a writer? Write. Want to be a coach? Coach people. Want to be an entrepreneur? Start a business. Want to be an actor? Act.
It all sounds and looks so simple when you break it down like this (not that “simple” means “easy”) but I’ve met countless people over the years who genuinely tell me they want to become a writer, coach, musician, entrepreneur, artist, teacher, speaker, creator, or [whatever else you can think of] but years later they’re still introducing themselves as an aspiring version of the person they wanted to become.
The dream survives, the identity lingers, but the action never really begins.
If you can relate to this at any level, then this article is for you because it’s for anybody who’s had a long-term goal sitting on the shelf of their mind for months or years whilst wondering why life never seems to change.
The answer isn’t that you’re lazy, that you’re ‘broken’, or even – in a lot of cases – that you’re simply just incapable:.
More often than not, it’s because the goal has become something that supports your IDENTITY rather than something that transforms your REALITY and – until that changes – nothing else will.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Getting Results in Life: What We'll Cover in This Article
- You Are What You Do So Make Sure You're Doing Something REAL to Get the Results You Really Want in Life
- The Difference Between Concept (Idea) and Reality (Results)
- Why We Stay Stuck & Never Get Results
- The Process of Growing Real and Actually Getting Results in Life
- Give Yourself Permission to Be Terrible
- Stop Waiting to Feel Like the Person and Start Getting Results
- Reality Always Wins: Getting Results by Staying REAL
The Difference Between Concept (Idea) and Reality (Results)
Many of us confuse who we need and imagine ourselves to be with who we actually are:
This doesn’t mean that your imagination, dreams, and vision aren’t important (of course they are) – just that none of these things are going to get results for you if they only exist at the level of concept and mental representations.
We can say this because, at the end of the day, your present day reality is created through the choices you make and your behaviours which means that it comes down to what you choose to DO with yourself and your time, energy, and attention whilst here on good ol’ Planet Earth.
Again, we can look at this by breaking it down to the simplest level:
You don’t become a runner because you own expensive trainers but because you actually RUN.
You don’t become a guitarist because you bought a guitar but because you PRACTISE and learn how to use it.
You don’t become a writer because you tell people you’re writing a book but because you actually WRITE one.
[Insert an infinite list of more examples here].
Without reminding ourselves of basic facts like these then we can fall into the trap of accidentally creating identities that only exist in concept.
This often show up in the type of language we use:
- “I’ve always wanted to…”
- “I’m planning to…”
- “One day I’ll…”
- “I’m thinking about…”
- “I’d love to…”
- Etc. etc. etc.
These types of sentences often feel productive because they allow us to imagine a future version of ourselves that meets our unresolved emotional needs but, unfortunately – once again – imagination without action becomes just fantasy.
This is ‘bad’ news for our long-term happiness because fantasy comes with the unfortunate habit of making us feel as though we’re progressing when we’re actually standing perfectly still and not connected to REALITY in any way, shape, or form.
One of the reasons that so many of us eventually feel inauthentic and unreal is because – deep down – we know that there’s a gap between the person we’re presenting to the world and the person we’re actually being:
This gap hurts and brings you into the Void – not because you’re failing but become you’ve become divided and fragmented within yourself and life and so one part of you knows who you could become in your REALNESS whilst the other part keeps living as something else (ego, the opposite of reality).
Why We Stay Stuck & Never Get Results
If you keep telling yourself that you want to become something but you never actually start doing it then there’s usually something deeper going on.
Let’s quickly explore some of the most common reasons:
1. F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real)
Fear in the service of the ego rarely arrives announcing itself or with any kind of instinctual ‘jolt’ (like if you see a poisonous spider or something) – instead, it disguises itself as logic and will try to hold you back in all kinds of ways that seem like they make ‘sense’:
- “I’ll wait until I know more”.
- “I need another qualification”.
- “The timing just isn’t right”.
- “What if people judge me?”
- “What if I fail?”
- Etc. etc. etc.
In reality, what’s actually going on behind this ‘logic’ is that you’re projecting imagined outcomes into an uncertain future and treating mere possibilities as guaranteed facts.
This is just F.E.A.R: “False Evidence Appearing Real”.
The ego loves this because its primary job isn’t helping you grow but to help you remain psychologically ‘safe’ and to stay with what’s familiar (even if it’s making you miserable).
This goes against reality itself because growth requires uncertainty even when the ego prefers certainty so you can stay “the same”.
Your REALNESS asks a different question which is “What’s actually true right now?” – usually, the answer is surprisingly simple:
You need to take some kind of REAL ACTION.
2. Procrastination and Shame
Procrastination is another reason that we hold back from doing what we need to do to become who we know we can be:
Many people believe that procrastination is about poor discipline but – more often than not – it’s actually about unresolved SHAME.
In the case of taking the kind of action we know we need to take, shame often shows up as a variation on the following question:
“What if I actually try… and discover I’m not good enough?”
This possibility feels unbearable to a shame-driven person because they’re biggest fear in life is that their shame (the core belief that “I’m not good enough as I am”) is actually true.
This is why instead of risking confirmation of that fear, you never really begin and instead you just keep preparing, researching, planning, thinking, talking, “getting ready”, or anything else besides actually going into DOING mode.
Ironically, this often just creates the exact kind of identity you’ve been trying to avoid because every day you delay acting on your own realness, the shame – which is just a disconnection from truth – grows in power over you.
This is why I like to say to my coaching clients that “Action is the only cure for anything” (not perfect action, just real action) – because it always connects you back to reality and shows you something that can help you grow beyond your shame and back into realness.
3. Your Unconscious Intentions Are Stronger Than Your Conscious Desires
Here’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through coaching that can really change your life if you ‘get’ it:
People often have a conscious desire to do something whilst simultaneously carrying an unconscious intention NOT to do it.
For example:
- Consciously, you want to write but unconsciously writing means being criticised.
- Consciously, you want to coach but unconsciously, coaching means responsibility.
- Consciously, you want to build a business but unconsciously, success feels dangerous because nobody in your family has ever had it.
- Etc. etc. etc.
The lesson to remember is that the unconscious intention always wins – not necessarily because it’s stronger but because it operates beneath your awareness.
There’s also almost always an emotional payoff to staying stuck that the unconscious latches onto to keep you emotionally ‘safe’ (because your nervous system has confused emotional discomfort – which you can always handle – with actual physical danger).
Some examples of these ‘payoffs’:
- Maybe remaining an “aspiring writer” protects you from rejection.
- Maybe never launching your business protects you from failure.
- Maybe never coaching means nobody can tell you that you aren’t very good at it.
The unconscious intention keeps you ‘safe’ and stops unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ – usually, the Unholy Trinity of shame, guilt, and/or trauma – from being triggered (at least temporarily until you make it conscious…if you ever do!).
4. You Love the Image More Than the Reality
This one stings because it shows us what we might be hiding from ourselves and life.
It goes like this:
Sometimes we don’t actually want the thing as much as we want the identity attached to the thing.
- Being seen as a writer.
- Being seen as spiritual.
- Being seen as an entrepreneur.
- Being seen as creative.
- Being seen as successful.
- Being seen as [whatever].
In all cases like these, the self-image associated with our conscious goals becomes more attractive than the activity itself and so we never get anywhere because – once again – we’re living in a kind of fantasy and not reality.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth, then:
If you hate writing (for example), then you probably don’t really want to be a writer as much as you want people to think you’re a writer (because it makes you look ‘smart’ or whatever you think you need to be to overcome your shame and finally be accepted).
Again it comes back to the simple truth:
Real writers write, real coaches coach, real musicians practise, real entrepreneurs solve problems, real [whatever] do [whatever they need to do]…EVEN WHEN NOBODY IS WATCHING.
The image is a by-product – not the point.
5. The Goal Isn’t Actually Yours
Finally, there’s something that happens more often than we tend to realise which is that you absorbed somebody else’s dream and started to really believe it was your own.
Maybe your parents wanted it because they were living vicariously through you, maybe friends admired it and so you kept going with it, maybe social media glamorised it, society rewarded it, or whatever else, but – somewhere along the line – you inherited a goal that never actually belonged to you in the first place.
If this is the case, then no wonder you can’t motivate yourself because all you’re doing is trying trying to force yourself towards somebody else’s destination.
The solution isn’t becoming more disciplined but to become more honest with yourself first and foremost:
Do you actually want this or do you simply like the version of yourself you imagine people would admire if you achieved it?
That’s a very different question.
The Process of Growing Real and Actually Getting Results in Life
Once you’ve explored some of the reasons for holding back and not doing what you say you need to do above then you might have a little more clarity.
Clarity alone isn’t enough, though, because you also need a process for acting on it, making things happen, and getting results.
This is why I always come back to the three stages of transformation that I use in my coaching containers with clients:
Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
Most people skip straight to some kind of ‘Action’ before doing the inner work of ‘Awareness’ and ‘Acceptance’ which is why they often build lives that still don’t feel right or real.
If you’re struggling to act at all then this process can also help you get out of your own way:
Awareness (Deconstruct the Ego)
Start with some basic questions about how your identity is blocking your progress:
How is my identity interfering with reality?
Is my ego asking me to chase something that isn’t really for me in the first place?
Am I demanding perfection before I’m allowing myself to begin?
Am I protecting an image instead of allowing real growth?
Awareness means seeing yourself clearly without excuses or judgement – just honesty!
Acceptance (Integrate the Shadow)
Once you’ve become aware of what’s happening, then resist the urge to fight it and lean into Acceptance instead:
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or surrendering in a weak way – it just means giving up your resistance to reality so you can stand on a more solid foundation (actually, the most solid foundation).
Look honestly at what you’re avoiding:
What emotions are you refusing to feel?
What part(s) of yourself have you rejected?
What failures are you terrified of repeating?
Your shadow self isn’t your enemy – it’s simply the parts of yourself you’ve stopped acknowledging.
Integration gives you your energy back so you can start acting in that real way we’ve been talking about.
Action (Trust Yourself and Life)
Only after you’re Aware of yourself and life on a foundation of Acceptance does Action become genuinely real
Real action isn’t forcing but about participating in the flow by doing your best and letting go of the rest – this means that you do what you CAN do and let life do what you CAN’T do.
You don’t control outcomes (because you can’t) and instead you focus on your willingness to show up and this allows you to get into a state of TRUST:
Trust isn’t believing everything will work out exactly how you planned but knowing that you’ll be able to respond in a REAL way to whatever happens.
That’s all you need.
Give Yourself Permission to Be Terrible
The final step is giving yourself permission to SUCK (or, at the very least, to be terrible:
This is where a lot of dreams quietly die a sad and unreal death because people refuse to begin unless they can begin perfectly which really just means that they never begin.
The way around this is to actively and consciously allow yourself to be imperfect whilst you learn by doing:
- Your first cakes might be awful. Bake them anyway.
- Your first coaching sessions might be awkward. Coach anyway.
- Your first business might lose money. Build it anyway.
- Your first articles might make you cringe. Write them anyway.
- Your first acting performance might include forgotten lines and shaky confidence. Act anyway.
Nobody starts a journey into their potential as the finished product and so the beginner always looks like a beginner which is the whole point:
Competence grows out of repeated imperfection at the level of action – not repeated thinking about things.
Perfectionism is simply fear wearing expensive clothes because of underlying shame – it might sounds respectable or even intelligent but it’s just procrastination with better branding.
If you want to start flowing with life and building in a real way then check out Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.
Stop Waiting to Feel Like the Person and Start Getting Results
One of the biggest misconceptions about change is that you first become confident and then you finally think yourself into the magical place where you’re ready to act.
In reality, it works the other way around which means that:
You act and then confidence slowly appears.
Identity follows behaviour far more reliably than behaviour follows identity and so you don’t wait until you ‘feel’ like a writer but you allow writing to make you into one.
You don’t wait until you ‘feel’ entrepreneurial but you build something and become an entrepreneur.
You don’t wait until you feel courageous – courage emerges because you acted whilst afraid.
In short:
The doing comes first and the identity catches up later.
Reality Always Wins: Getting Results by Staying REAL
One of the many the beautiful things about reality is that it doesn’t care what labels you’ve given yourself – instead, it simply responds to what you repeatedly do.
If you bake every week…you’re becoming a baker.
If you write consistently…you’re becoming a writer.
If you coach people…you’re becoming a coach.
You become something not because you declared it but because you embodied it and this is what Realness has always been about: living in alignment with reality instead of fantasy by closing the gap between who you say you are and who your actions reveal you to be.
Stop asking yourself what you want to become and start asking yourself a much simpler question:
“What would somebody who already is that person do today?”
Then go and do exactly that – not tomorrow or when you ‘feel’ ‘ready’ but TODAY because at the end of the day, reality only recognises one thing:
You are what you repeatedly do – not what you repeatedly say you’re going to become.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re really ready to start embodying the truth about who you know you can become then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you start taking real action.
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
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