by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Life Lessons From 18 Years On Dialysis
If you don’t already know, I was diagnosed with kidney failure when I was 25 and now I’m nearly 43 – it feels kinda weird to write that as the time has flown by quicker than it makes sense but here we are and it is what it is.
About two years into the dialysis ‘journey’, I had a transplant that went horribly wrong and – long story short – left me needing loads of blood transfusions. That’s why I’m still on dialysis today – because I’ve developed antibodies from the transfusions which makes it hard to find a matching kidney (normally on dialysis they don’t give you blood transfusions for this reason but they’re the reason I’m still alive today so no complaints here).
Anyway, before we get into the “life lessons from health challenges” thing, lets get one thing straight from the get-go: this isn’t a sob story – if you’re looking for some nice, inspirational fluff about how I “bravely battled” kidney failure with a stiff upper lip and a gratitude journal, then you’re probably you’re in the wrong place.
This is a story about realness.
Not the Instagram kind – though I am on there lol – but the the kind that applies to all of us – the kind of realness that’s often buried underneath all of the noise, but always there (because, like I enjoy saying, what’s real is always real):
The only difference for me is that dialysis turned the volume up. Way up. It shoved me right up against the boundaries of death and fragility so I could see clearly what most people spend their lives avoiding. It showed me what life is and helped me make better decisions about how to make the most of it.
Because that was me: invincible, arrogant, a bit of a prick if I’m honest – I was living in Tokyo, modelling, teaching, running on ego and adrenaline, and thinking that I’d live forever.
Well…until I collapsed:
My kidneys had packed up. Completely. Zero function. And just like that, I was launched into a reality where every decision mattered – not just some spiritual, airy-fairy idea of “the present moment” but a very literal understanding that life is fragile, time is short, and everything is borrowed.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Life Lessons from Health Challenges: What We’ll Cover in this Article
- Life Lessons From 18 Years On Dialysis
- Life on the Edge (aka Everyone’s Reality, Just Louder)
- Health Is Wealth (And Most People Are Skint)
- Acceptance Isn’t Giving Up – It’s Where Peace Starts
- Strength Is Built in the Dark
- You’re Stronger Than You Think
- Death Is the Greatest Teacher
- Opportunity Cost and the Dialysis Chair
- We Need Each Other
- Don’t Put Your Faith in False Idols
- Listen to Your Body, Then Push It
- Real Connection Doesn’t Come From Perfection
- Don’t Become Your Condition
- Final Thought: It Was All a Gift
Life on the Edge (aka Everyone’s Reality, Just Louder)
The thing about dialysis (as with many other long-term health conditions) is that it doesn’t show you a different reality – it just turns up the volume on actual reality.
It does this by holding you right over the edge of where most people spend their lives trying not to look and then sticking some matchsticks under your eyelids so you have no choice but to gaze upon it all (that’s a metaphor – not some weird medical treatment).
When you’re that close to the boundary between life and death, things become clear. Starkly so.
And what I saw as I gazed into the abyss is this:
We’re all dealing with the same stuff. Shame. Guilt. Trauma. Fear. Uncertainty. A sense that time is running out.
Most people just drown it out with distractions but dialysis stripped all that away and made me look head-on.
Health Is Wealth (And Most People Are Skint)
Before dialysis, I thought success was about making money and being a total ‘somebody’; after dialysis, I realised all of that is irrelevant if your body’s falling apart.
The bottom line is that your health is your baseline:
No six-pack required (though I’ve totally got one so whatever) – just the energy to get out of bed and do something meaningful that’s aligned with your actual purpose.
Now, nearly 18 years into this, I’m healthier than I was in my 20s – not because I’m some wellness monk, but because I learned the basics and I’ve been disciplined and consistent with them:
- Exercise is medicine.
- Movement regulates your nervous system.
- If you don’t use your body, it will turn on you.
Every single person can improve their quality of life with the basics – especially when you’ve got a purpose to plug into.
It honestly amazes me when I see people not on dialysis wasting their health and not doing all of the amazing things it allows them to do if they can get off the couch and get focused.
Acceptance Isn’t Giving Up – It’s Where Peace Starts
When I was first diagnosed, I was furious and sank into a depression.
It felt unfair. It was unfair (so I thought – now I realise it’s beyond ‘fair’ or ‘unfair’ and it just IS).
The lesson I eventually learned was that the suffering wouldn’t and couldn’t stop until I stopped resisting what was actually happening (instead of getting caught up in my ideas about it and what it all ‘meant’).
The short-version is that most of my pain wasn’t coming from dialysis itself – it was coming from my refusal to accept that this was happening and that I’d have to live differently now.
The moment I accepted the truth (the “is what it is” of the situation), something strange happened: I found peace.
I started working with life instead of trying to bully it into submission and, it turns out, life responds way better that way.
Strength Is Built in the Dark
I’ve had some grim, dark nights of the soul along this path- no denying that:
Early on, I wanted to give up because I had to face every single fear I had about death, weakness, rejection, shame – the full house.
Once I dealt with my own bullshit and felt what needed feeling and let go of my outdated ideas about myself then on the other side of that was peace. Not fluffy, cloud-nine, angel-on-a-cloud peace. Real, grounded, solid peace (the type that surpasses all understanding).
It’s was the kind of peace shows up when you’ve got nothing left to prove and nothing to hide because you’ve stripped everything unreal away. That’s when you find out who you really are and you realise that sometimes God shakes us to see if there’s anything eternal about us.
You’re Stronger Than You Think
People often feel sorry for me when they find out I’m on dialysis and dealing with “health challenges”:
They assume I’m barely functioning, surviving on hope and suicide hotlines as I teeter on the edge of another health crisis (that they’ve imagined in their heads).
They don’t realise I do intense workouts every day – probably more than they do in a whole month.
They don’t know that I hike mountains, lift heavy weights, or coach people through their own transformations.
They see a label but I see myself and – the more they spend time with me – the more they get to see me too.
Health conditions – or any human struggle, actually – always looks harder from the outside but when you’re in it, you just get on with it.
Because you have to.
And in that process, you meet a version of yourself you never knew existed:
One who’s resilient as hell because they’re REAL as f*ck.
Focus on What You Can Do
The fastest way to become a victim is to obsess over what you CAN’T do.
I see it all the time:
People with ‘perfect’ health and endless opportunity, paralysed by their limitations and making excuses about why they can’t change things or become ‘unstuck’.
Meanwhile, I’m here writing books, coaching clients, training daily, and travelling to other countries – all while hooked up to a machine three times a week (not to brag or whatever but just to show you that being ‘stuck’ is in your mind).
It’s not because I’m ‘special’ or stronger than average – it’s because I had my eyes opened to reality and so I decided to focus on what I could do.
There’s always something. No matter who you are or what your situation is.
Death Is the Greatest Teacher
I’ve sat on the edge of death many times. It honestly no longer scares me. Not because I’m brave, but because I understand what it’s trying to say:
Make the most of your time, energy, and attention whilst you’re here.
That’s all we really have and the most valuable assets at our disposal – you can’t waste it on waiting, whining, or wishing things were different.
Every day, I act. I create. I connect. Because I know it could all end tomorrow.
And weirdly, that truth makes life richer and takes you deeper into it, not worse.
Opportunity Cost and the Dialysis Chair
I wrote my first book about all this ‘stuff’ (Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness) in a dialysis chair. No joke. Three times a week, four hours a session – that’s twelve hours of what most people would call ‘lost’ time.
In REALITY, it’s only lost if you give it away. It’s actually an opportunity. To read. To write. To reflect. To be.
If you learn to shift your mindset, you’ll start seeing the same opportunities in your life:
On the train. In traffic. While washing dishes. What could you build with your lost time?
There’s something real waiting in the shadows to get out of you. I can guarantee it.
We Need Each Other
Even though I’m coming across as fiercely independent in much of this article, there is no way on earth (or beyond) that I would’ve made it this far without other people:
Other patients sharing stories. My mum showing up again and again. Friends who reminded me that I’m still me.
Realness doesn’t mean going it alone – in fact, being real is what makes connection possible and embracing the fact that we’re not independent beings but INTERDPENDENT ones.
The moment you stop pretending because of ego ‘stuff’ and just let yourself BE, then people show up in unexpected ways.
That’s love and it’s worth more than a ‘cure’ which is why I don’t regret anything I’ve been through.
Don’t Put Your Faith in False Idols
Before my failed transplant, I thought a kidney transplant would be the end of all my problems – it was the promised land.
When I got one, it failed. Spectacularly. So much so that it nearly killed me (at least now I have a cool story about how I died twice on the operating table and went into a coma afterwards).
The lesson is clear:
Don’t put all your hope in one solution. One person. One outcome. One anything.
Realness means letting go of your idea of what should happen and working with what is -t hat’s when life gets good and you can put the TRUTH before anything else.
Listen to Your Body, Then Push It
Your body’s always telling you something but most people just aren’t listening.
Over the years, I’ve learned to tune in – and then test the limits…I know when I’m at my peak. I know when to rest. But I never treat myself like I’m fragile.
That’s a mindset, not a fact.
Push yourself. Respect yourself. Balance the two.
It’s not complicated. It just takes adding awareness to the equation and subtracting ego from it.
Real Connection Doesn’t Come From Perfection
You can still have amazing relationships with a health condition (despite what you might think if you’ve got one or might’ve heard if you don’t).
The key?
Drop the victim energy and be real because REAL ALWAYS WORKS.
Own your reality without letting it define you.
People respond to truth – not performance or self-pity.
Just you, as you are. That’s how intimacy starts and how love grows.
Be There for People and Be a Blessing When You Can
Want to stop suffering in your own life?
Stop focusing on yourself. Seriously.
Visit a mate in hospital. Call someone who’s struggling. Give somebody a chance. Smile at the person next to you in the waiting room. Start a conversation.
When you get out of your own head and into someone else’s world, your problems shrink.
Not because they disappear but because you remember you’re not alone and that we’re all humans dealing with human things (and you can’t compare the extent of what that might be).
Don’t Become Your Condition
Big one:
I am not a “dialysis patient” – I’m just somebody who goes to dialysis.
I am not my illness but a man who happens to sit in a dialysis chair twelve hours a week.
As soon as you make your struggle your identity, you lose the plot.
I’ve seen people do this so many times and it never ends well. Don’t do it.
Be a human being first because that’s what you are.
Always.
Final Thought: It Was All a Gift
Nearly two decades of dialysis has taught me more than any book, teacher, or degree ever could because it brought me to realness, stripped away everything unreal, and left me with something pure:
Time. Energy. Attention.
I understand now that how you use those three things is your life and – whether you’re hooked up to a machine or not – this truth applies to you too.
So here it is: Stop bullshitting yourself. Stop waiting. Stop hiding.
Live like your life depends on it.
Because it does.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If this article resonated with you and you’re interested in coaching the book a free call with me and I’ll get you moving right away.
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