by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Our inner relationship with ourselves and connection to truth either causes us to become stuck or to keep flowing.
Welcome to this article where we’re going to discuss the war against the self and how our inner relationship with ourselves and our connection to the truth either keeps us flowing with life or causes us to become stuck. I will ultimately address some uncomfortable truths about why we do become stuck. This stems from inner friction and fragmentation that split us from who we truly are.
When we become split from ourselves at the most fundamental level, we end up experiencing various symptoms that cause us to become stuck. The main problem is that we identify with these symptoms, and by doing so, we exacerbate the problem because we’re dealing with identity. There is a chance that this article might upset some people. That is not my intention. I am coming from a place of love and ultimately trying to help people get moving again.
I have truly found and believe that we are here to keep evolving, flowing, and moving towards wholeness. This sense of connection to ourselves, the world, and reality is crucial. If we’re not moving with that natural drive towards wholeness, then there is almost always a mental or conceptual issue we are identifying with that causes us to hesitate and hold back unnecessarily.
In this video, I want to go over some of those symptoms so that if you are dealing with this problem, you can clear the path, start moving again, and find your real life:
Understanding this little problem of being ‘stuck’ ultimately comes down to understanding the Shadow Dance.
As with almost everything in the human condition, understanding this problem of being stuck ultimately comes down to understanding the shadow dance. That’s what I call it. You might not have heard me talk about this before; it’s the dance between the ego and the shadow.
The ego is basically the fragmented conceptual version of ourselves that we have created as an image in response to whatever we’ve been through in the past. It’s a reaction to the shame, guilt, and trauma that we have ultimately not been able to face yet. The shadow consists of all the things that we have disowned, hidden, or sent into exile because of that aforementioned shame, guilt, and trauma. The shadow and the ego are constantly battling for dominance in our lives.
Most of us cling to the ego because it comes with the illusion of control and stasis—that is, the illusion of things staying the same and not moving, when actually life is always moving. So you can see there’s an inherent contradiction between the way we relate to ourselves and life itself: the illusion of separation and independence. The shadow is actually much more real. It’s all the real things that we’ve sent into hiding because the world and ourselves are not ready to face them yet.
If we become stuck, it’s almost always because we cling to the ego version of ourselves and we’re not allowing the shadow to move and resurface in the way that it needs to so we can become integrated. When we block the shadow from re-emerging, we just end up creating a barrier between ourselves and life. So we can’t move in the direction that we need to. All of the symptoms that we’re about to talk about ultimately come back to this idea: we have identified with the illusion of control, order, and stasis, instead of the reality of chaos, growth, flow, and the real version of who we are when we align with the truth as we uncover it, live it, and breathe it.
If you have any of the symptoms that we’re about to discuss, then there’s a very high chance that at some level, you are blocking yourself from facing yourself and some of that shadow stuff that is bubbling beneath the surface, trying to get your attention. The way to become unstuck is to figure out exactly what that might be and then give it a direction to move in by developing a vision for yourself. This vision should involve qualities, skills, goals, intentions, emotions, or whatever it is that is waiting to come up to the light of consciousness.
The key ingredient, or the thing that unifies all of these symptoms, is that they treat changeable things as static. Ultimately, they’ve all fallen for the illusion of stasis or are treating fragments as the whole. This is basically the biggest mistake human beings can make: taking a trivial thing and treating it as the whole of life itself, identifying with it as though it encompasses everything about us or is an obstacle that stops everything from moving in the way that it needs to.
You’re either moving with life because life is always moving, or you’ve created some conceptual idea that is causing you to stop moving in the way that you need to. It’s all about removing those conceptual blocks so you can experience yourself and life. Then you can feel good because you’ll be flowing instead of forcing and resisting.
Let’s move on to the symptoms:
The first symptom that keeps us attached to the ego is an unreal relationship with our own emotions.
If you recognise any of these, you ultimately need to raise awareness of yourself, accept yourself, and then take action.
The first symptom that keeps us attached to the ego, thereby keeping the shadow at bay, is treating fragments as the whole. Another way to say this is treating the impermanent as permanent. The most common example of this is our emotions. As the saying goes, emotions are “energy in motion.” They are supposed to keep flowing and moving. As long as you don’t block them, they will eventually pass, and you will learn whatever you need to learn from them.
The problem arises when we’re trying to keep the shadow at bay and don’t want anything to be moving. If things keep moving, the shadow will inevitably surface. If we’re not ready to face it because we know it will cause the ego to dissolve or change form, this will cause us problems. In such cases, we don’t treat emotions as temporary, impermanent things. Instead, we fall into the trap of identifying with them and treating them as permanent aspects that define us as a person.
We label ourselves with the emotions. We don’t just have anger; we are anger. “I am angry.” We don’t just feel depressed, sad, or happy and then let these emotions pass. We become that emotion and identify with it. By doing so, we don’t allow it to pass, and we become more entrenched in the ego and the illusion of stasis. This stops the natural flow, and we wonder why we’re stuck.
The solution is to not identify with the emotions. Step back from them and feel them. It’s very important to feel them. I’m not suggesting that you ignore your feelings. All emotions need to be felt—that’s the only way you’re going to get rid of them. But if you identify with them, put them on a pedestal, or treat the fragment as the whole, you’ll end up stuck and causing problems for yourself.
The second symptom of the Shadow Dance is that you don’t embrace power of CHOICE.
The second symptom of the Shadow Dance, and a sign that the ego is winning, is the reluctance to accept and embrace the power of choice. Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own lives. We can make choices that empower us to move in the direction we want. However, if we accept that we have this power and that our current situation is undesirable, it means we have to accept that our past choices led us to where we are now. Many people become more stuck because they don’t want to acknowledge that their choices brought them to their current situation. They resist making different choices that could change their trajectory, especially if they’ve been making choices that aren’t authentic or grounded in their true selves.
The key issue here is the interplay between the ego and the shadow. If our choices have led us to an undesirable place, it’s likely because those choices were made from an ego-driven foundation, not a place of authenticity. This results in making unreal choices that produce unreal outcomes, which is why we end up stuck. To move forward, we need to forgive ourselves for past choices. These choices were likely the best we could make at the time, given our knowledge and experiences. Forgiving ourselves allows us to face the shadow issues that influenced those choices, unblock our energy, and start moving again. Without self-forgiveness, we create a box for ourselves, avoiding emotions and staying stuck.
The third uncomfortable truth is that we are often so accustomed to having problems that we don’t know who we are without them. When things are okay and we could move forward by taking real action, we often look for more problems instead. This happens because we are used to identifying with the ego version of ourselves that deals with problems. This search for problems distracts us from doing the real work that would help us grow and integrate our shadow self, thereby dissolving our current ego and aligning more with reality.
If you find yourself feeling strange or not yourself when you don’t have a problem, it’s likely an automatic reaction based on past experiences. Stepping away from this pattern and focusing on the foundation of truth in your life can help you take actions that move you away from problems. This process brings the real you to the surface, allowing you to flow with life instead of creating unnecessary problems.
Another common symptom of being stuck in the shadow dance is seeking guidance from friends or professionals like coaches or therapists but not actually taking their advice. This behaviour reinforces the ego’s hold by validating the excuses and reasons for staying stuck. A typical manifestation of this is the “yeah, but” game. This involves dismissing every solution with a “yeah, but” response, which serves to reinforce the ego’s illusion of stasis and avoid confronting the shadow self.
If you find yourself frequently saying “yeah, but” and never actually making changes despite discussing your issues, it’s likely because you want your ego’s version of reality to remain true. This behaviour prevents you from becoming who you truly are.
Lastly, a common occurrence when we’re stuck is having flashes of insight or epiphanies about how things really are and what actions to take. However, instead of embracing these insights, emotional resistance and expectations about how life should be kick in, leading to sulking rather than action. This resistance to moving forward with newfound understanding is another way the ego keeps us stuck.
To overcome this, we need to act on our insights, accept the reality of cause and effect, and embrace the necessary steps to achieve our goals.
So you’re here, and you want to be there. This is the effect, and the journey there is just cause – cause and effect. That’s how things work in the deterministic universe we find ourselves in. If you understand that, you can actually work with it. However, a lot of people, when they realize these fundamental truths, do get the insight but then start to think about how unfair it is. They don’t think it’s fair that they have to do the work. They don’t think it’s fair that we’re responsible for our lives. They don’t think it’s fair that we can make choices. They don’t think it’s fair that the same universal laws apply to everybody. In a strange way, this means that life is kind of meaningless because the universe doesn’t really care about us, and so we’re all alone in the world and we’re all just going to die.
It doesn’t matter if you think it’s fair or not. Embracing these truths and working with them is how you are going to move forward. But actually, a lot of the time, people have inner child stuff going on. This means there’s a part of them that still wants life to be like it was when they were younger, where all their needs were met by their parents or the universe or some force bigger than them. Anytime they get reminded that it’s about them taking responsibility for themselves, making choices, and using these universal laws like cause and effect to move through life, they start sulking because they think it’s not fair.
If you keep finding yourself saying that it’s not fair, this is not fair, that’s not fair, and you’re stuck, it’s a good sign that you need to accept reality rather than resisting it or distorting it. Resistance and distortion always come back to the same thing: ego. If you find yourself saying that life is not fair when what you’re really talking about is just the way life is, it’s beyond fair and unfair. It just is what it is. The way forward is to accept it so you can move with it, dissolve that ego, or at least reconfigure it and go to the next level, allowing the shadow to come to the surface.
The final symptom that I want to talk about in this article is EMOTIONAL TURBULENCE.
The final symptom I want to discuss in this article is that when we’re locked in the shadow dance and overly attached to the ego, we’re blocking that natural flow. This results in a lot of emotional turbulence, with many highs and lows. From time to time, we find something that distracts us from being stuck, but it only distracts us at the level of the ego. This means we find something that allows us to feel like our ego is the truth. For that short period, while it lasts, we feel amazing. This is usually due to a short-term distraction that often becomes an addiction, which is a topic for another video.
While we’re distracting ourselves, we feel like everything is working out and the things we’re telling ourselves at the level of the ego are the truth. For example, we might find one thing we think is a panacea for all our problems. It could be anything: our business, a relationship, or even drugs. We find something to put our energy into, alleviating the tension of inner disconnection and blocking the shadow from resurfacing. While this tension is being released, it feels amazing. But what goes up must come down. Eventually, because we’re only rearranging the furniture on the Titanic while it sinks, reality comes crashing back in. When it does, we crash down from the temporary high of whatever we were chasing, back to reality, losing the illusions that kept us in that ego place.
If you find yourself going through cycles where something makes you feel amazing for a short time, and then you crash back down to square one, repeating the cycle, it’s a sign that you’re looking for things that allow you to stay stuck in the ego. To get out of this cycle of emotional turbulence, you need to start facing that shadow stuff, so you can bring the real you to the surface and build on a solid foundation instead of a castle in the sky destined to crash down to reality.
These were the main symptoms, or some of the most common symptoms, of being stuck because you’re blocking your shadow from resurfacing. If you have this problem, one thing that can crack things open for you is finding something bigger than just yourself or your idea of yourself (the ego) to start giving yourself to. This can be anything, but as long as it’s one thing you focus on, it will take you away from the complexity and confusion that the ego brings, giving you a singular focus that draws you out of yourself.
Some examples are a higher power, a cause, your family, or a set of values. Anything that causes you to give yourself in service allows the real you to surface. This involves asking yourself who you need to become to serve in the way you want to serve. If you figure out who you want to become, you can start acting in alignment with that version of yourself, bringing those qualities to the surface. There are many strengths, goals, intentions, values, and emotions within you waiting to come to the surface, making you unstuck.
If you can find a way to serve others while bringing these qualities up, you’ll kill two birds with one stone and live the real life you want to live. It will feel amazing because you’ll be flowing with life instead of against it, no longer locked in this box.
That was an article about freeing yourself from the war against the self—just a dramatic way of saying freeing yourself from blocking yourself at the level of the ego and the shadow. We all need an ego because it helps us survive, but if you become stuck, you become overly attached to a specific version of yourself, probably one you don’t even want to be that attached to. If you notice you’ve become stuck, the way forward is to stop treating the fragments as the whole, detach from the symptoms we discussed, and realize those symptoms are not you. They’re a by-product of a fundamental disconnection from yourself and the natural flow and drive towards wholeness always trying to express itself from within you.
If you can understand that, you can free yourself, start moving again, and there will be no war against the self. You’ll feel a sense of peace because the peace of realness is what happens when you uncover and live the truth.
So that was the video. I hope it helped you. If you are stuck, you can become unstuck by facing the reality of yourself, the world, and reality. If anyone wants to talk about this stuff, you can book a call on my website, Olianderson.co.uk. Talking is just a way of exploring things and figuring out if you can move forward, which of course you can. I hope that helps.
Peace to you and take care,
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