Mummy Issues in Men and Women: The Basics and What to Do

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

What can happen when your relationship with your mother gets messed up?

When people talk about “Daddy Issues” there’s an almost casual familiarity to the term – as though we all instinctively just understand what it ‘means’ and how it can show up for people (especially when people are out there engaging in ‘Fatherless behaviour’).

On the other side of the coin, when it comes to “Mummy issues,” the conversation often falls silent. This silence does not reflect a lack of relevance; rather, it highlights an underexplored realm of human experience (or maybe just one that we’re scared to talk about and explore in more detail).

The bottom line is that Mummy issues – or the emotional complexities and struggles stemming from one’s relationship with their mother – manifest in a variety of ways, often subtly but with profound impact that can send people hurtling into the Void and cause them to live lives of ‘quiet desperation’.

Unlike the archetype of “daddy issues” that tends to focus on absent or emotionally unavailable fathers, mummy issues delve into an area laden with societal taboos, emotional ambivalence, and conflicting expectations.

Motherhood, after all, is idealised in many cultures. Mothers are seen as the ultimate nurturers and caregivers, yet the reality is that not all mothers fit this ideal because no human is ideal and we all bring our own ‘stuff’ to the table.

Far from being, the angels that we might see on 1950s TV shows, many mothers are actually neglectful, critical, overbearing, or simply just emotionally unavailable (because of whatever they’ve been through: “Hurt people hurt people”). These dynamics create ripple effects that shape our behaviours, relationships, and sense of self well into adulthood by causing us to send very REAL parts of ourselves into hiding and also to affect how we can or can’t express what’s true about ourselves.

In this article, we’ll unpack what mummy issues are, how they show up differently in women compared to men, and, most importantly, what can be done to address these challenges. This journey takes us through the trifecta of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, offering a roadmap for healing and growth so that – by the time you’ve finished reading – you’ll know some practical steps to move forward and start growing real.

If you wanna talk about any of this ‘stuff’ then book a call with me to go deeper.

What Are Mummy Issues?

At their core, mummy issues arise when the bond between a mother and her child is disrupted or fraught with emotional difficulty. This disruption could stem from many factors: emotional unavailability, criticism, neglect, enmeshment, or even overbearing control.

When a mother is unable to meet her child’s emotional or physical needs in a healthy way, the child often compensates by developing patterns of behaviour and beliefs that persist into adulthood and bring all kinds of friction, frustration, and misery.

In general, these compensatory patterns frequently fall into two categories: over-identification with the mother’s traits and behaviours, or rebellion against them. Both responses are rooted in the unmet needs of the child and the coping mechanisms developed to navigate a complex maternal relationship.

For women, mummy issues often involve a rejection of their own femininity. The mother’s critical gaze or unmet emotional needs can leave daughters feeling that their feminine qualities are inadequate or burdensome. Conversely, men with mummy issues may deny or suppress their masculinity, as a reaction to the maternal relationship or in an attempt to win maternal approval.

These patterns can leave individuals feeling disconnected from their authentic selves, trapped in behaviours that don’t serve them, and causing to create an EGO version of themselves that keeps the REAL version of who they are locked in the SHADOW TERRITORY.

Symptoms of Mummy Issues

The symptoms of mummy issues are as varied as the people who experience them – for women, they can often show up in the following ways:

Over-mothering others: Many women with mummy issues report an overwhelming need to nurture and care for others. This compulsion to ‘mother’ can stem from a lack of nurturing received during childhood. Often this shows up as an overwhelming and COMPULSIVE desire to take care of people and ‘mother’ them in a ways they feel they never received.

This can be draining and also lead to the feeling of being taken advantage of (because nobody ‘mothers’ them back). This pattern often leaves these women feeling exhausted and unfulfilled, as their own needs remain unmet (which can just make them feel even more SHAME and less self-acceptance).
Difficulty setting boundaries: Women with mummy issues often struggle to say no or establish emotional boundaries. They may feel compelled to prioritise others’ needs over their own, driven by a subconscious desire to avoid conflict or rejection.
People-pleasing and self-worth issues: A recurring theme is the need to constantly prove their worth. This creates a cycle of over-apologising, avoiding confrontation, and feeling like a burden.
Emotional disconnection: Some women experience difficulty connecting with their own emotions, often rooted in childhood experiences where emotional expression was discouraged or punished. This is often because of the way emotions were SHAMED in childhood: for example, many young girls are told that their emotions are manipulative or over-the-top and so as adults they close down and be guarded around themselves and others.
Complexities in female friendships: Many women with mummy issues struggle to trust other women, particularly older women who remind them of their mothers. This often results in a lack of close female friendships or a constant fear that these friendships will dissolve. This makes sense as if the ‘closest’ women in their lives doesn’t ‘like’ them then why would they expect others to?

For men, mummy issues often manifest differently:

Over-reliance on maternal figures: Some men with mummy issues may unconsciously seek out motherly partners or authority figures, looking for the nurturing they lacked in childhood. This leads to unhealthy romantic relationships where they’re not looking for a partner but for a substitute mother figure.
Suppression of masculinity: Men with mummy issues often feel uncomfortable with traditional expressions of masculinity, either avoiding them altogether or overcompensating in an effort to prove themselves. This also happens with daddy issues in men.
Emotional dependency or avoidance: Men with unresolved mummy issues may either become overly dependent on their partners or avoid intimacy altogether, fearing emotional entanglement.
Difficulty asserting independence: An overbearing or controlling mother can leave men feeling unable to make decisions or assert themselves confidently in adult life. This leads to them attracting overbearing partners which just exacerbates their SHAME and inner turmoil.

The Roots of Mummy Issues

Understanding the roots of mummy issues requires us to examine the societal and familial dynamics that shape the mother-child relationship. Mothers often carry the weight of societal expectations to be everything to everyone: loving, nurturing, patient, self-sacrificing, and endlessly supportive.

When these expectations collide with the reality of a mother’s own emotional struggles, mental health challenges, or unmet needs, the results can be damaging for the child (like we already said: “Hurt people hurt people”).

Furthermore, generational patterns play a significant role. Many mothers unconsciously pass down their own unresolved traumas and behaviours to their children. A mother who was criticised by her own mother may unknowingly become critical of her daughter. Breaking these cycles requires conscious effort and self-awareness, both on the part of the mother and the adult child.

Breaking Free: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action (It Works Every Time)

Healing from mummy issues is not about blaming your mother or erasing her influence. It is about recognising the impact of the relationship, understanding how it has shaped you, and taking steps to reclaim your authentic self.

The process can be summarised in three key stages: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action (the three stages in any transformational journey – I use this with my coaching clients all the time):

1. Awareness

The first step is to become AWARE of the patterns and beliefs that stem from your relationship with your mother. Journaling, therapy, and self-reflection can help you identify behaviours that no longer serve you.
Ask yourself:

Do I feel compelled to mother others at the expense of my own needs?
Am I uncomfortable expressing emotions or asserting boundaries?
Do I seek approval from others, particularly maternal figures?
How do I feel about my femininity or masculinity?

By shining a light on these patterns, you can begin to understand their origins and their impact on your life.

2. Acceptance

Acceptance involves acknowledging your feelings without judgment. It’s okay to feel anger, sadness, or grief about your experiences. Accepting these emotions allows you to process and release them.

This stage also includes understanding your mother’s humanity. She may have been doing the best she could with the tools and experiences she had and was probably being driven by her own shame, guilt, and/or trauma because of her own bringing (not that this is an excuse but it can help you understand how you ended up where you did).

Again, acceptance doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour; it means releasing the need for her to be different in order for you to heal. Recognise that you have the power to define your own path, regardless of your mother’s actions or limitations but always accept that it is what it is so you can build something real with what you find.

3. Action

The final step is to take action to break free from old patterns and build healthier habits – this might include:

Setting boundaries: Learn to say no and prioritise your own needs without guilt. Practice small acts of self-care and self-assertion daily.
Seeking coach: A trained coach can help you navigate complex emotions and develop strategies for moving forward and ACTING in a REAL way (which is the best way to undo your unhelpful programming – book a call with me to explore this).
Cultivating self-compassion: Replace self-criticism with kindness. Remind yourself that your worth is not tied to your achievements or others’ approval.
Building healthy relationships: Focus on developing relationships that are based on mutual respect and trust. Surround yourself with people who support your growth and well-being.
Exploring femininity or masculinity: If you feel disconnected from your core enegry, explore ways to reconnect and bring your sexual polarity out of the shadows and back to the light.

Moving Forward

Mummy issues are a complex and deeply personal subject, but they are not insurmountable; by cultivating Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, you can begin to untangle the threads of your past and weave a future that feels REAL and fulfilling.

Remember, healing is not a linear journey but a spiral and you can always go deeper (including into Awareness, Acceptance, and Action):

There will be setbacks and challenges, but every step you take towards understanding and embracing yourself is a step towards your wholeness. Through this process, you reclaim not only your sense of self but also your capacity to live a life that is grounded in truth, connection, and inner peace.

Stay real out there,

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