by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Non-duality and Real Growth: Letting Go and Staying in the Flow
If you’re a man who feels pulled between the hunger to achieve and the whisper of something deeper, then keep reading:
This is a totally ‘normal’ conflict that many men feel inside themselves in a world that often feels like it’s going ‘mad’ or has somehow become too far removed from what it really means to be a real human being in the first place.
When many of us become aware of this inner restlessness or the call of the Void, we start to ask questions and to determine what we really want from life. This raising of awareness is always the first step to any transformational journey but without any clear experience of something REAL along the way, we can just end up stuck in a kind of strange middle ground – craving stillness and peace but also craving ‘success‘ and dynamism.
When we’re ‘stuck’ between these poles we start to wonder if we’re losing our minds – especially as we start to become aware of the gap between who we think we are (ego) and who we actually are in our realness. This can often lead to us a decision-point where we’re faced with either letting go of the familiar identity that we’ve been filtering life through up until this point and taking a leap of faith or simply holding on and pretending that everything is fine (even though these old identities will just bring more friction, frustration, and misery the more we cling).
What holds a lot of people back at this stage – from taking that leap of faith into a deeper relationship with reality – is being aware of the ego and the possible benefits of ‘transcending’ it but fearing that if they do they’ll somehow become soft, passive, or irrelevant and lose all of the things that make them ‘them’.
This article is about the twist that a lot of us can miss: true non-duality doesn’t kill your drive. It purifies it.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
What We Cover in This Article
- Non-duality and Real Growth: Letting Go and Staying in the Flow
- What Is Non-Duality and Why Does It Matter?
- So… What Is the Ego Then?
- The Trap of the Spiritual Bypass
- Realness: A Path Through the Middle and into Non-Duality
- Non-Duality Isn’t Passivity – It’s Power
- From Vision to Wholeness: Non-Duality Made Actionable
- The Discipline of Presence
- Practical Integration: A Roadmap for Non-Duality and Realness
- Final Word: Truth Dissolves Ego and Non-Duality is Reality
What Is Non-Duality and Why Does It Matter?
At its simplest, non-duality simply means “not two” – at its core, it points to the idea that everything is already whole even though it often appears to be fragmented and populated with entities and objects that are separate and independent from one another.
In other words, everything is whole (even if we don’t perceive or interpret things that way because of our fragmented bodies and brains:
Even though it might ‘look’ like it, reality isn’t split into ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘me’ and ‘you’, ‘success’ and ‘failure’ or any other judgements we might ascribe to things. Those are all just mental distinctions that we use to function in the world and relate to it.
Instead of these ‘default’ approach, non-duality is the recognition that behind the labels, the posturing, and the inner battles, there is only this – life itself, unfolding. Always. In one big relationship having a relationship with itself as a set of interconnected systems within systems within systems.
For a lot of men, this can be a radical and uncomfortable idea because it goes against the way we’re both biologically wired and socially conditioned to define ourselves by opposition and assertion: be strong, not weak; win, don’t lose; dominate, never submit.
Non-duality says that all of that this is just an egoic structure – a house built on sand as we project our own fragmentation out into the world around us and experience something that isn’t really even ‘there’.
So… What Is the Ego Then?
The ego isn’t some evil entity you need to “kill” (as people like to say they’re going to do). You can’t kill it, anyway, because it’s not real in that way – it’s just a set of fragmented ideas and sensations that we bought into for a little while based on whatever it is that we think we’ve been through.
Think of it like a filter between you and reality:
It’s your conditioning, your beliefs, your biological programming, and your emotional scars – all wrapped up in a story about who you are, what the world is, and what life is.
It’s not inherently ‘bad’ (that would be a dualistic judgement) – in fact, it’s a useful operating system for helping us to survive and to navigate life. The problems arise when you mistake the filter for the whole view – when you look at the windscreen and get confused, instead of looking through it at the road ahead.
In short, the more identified you become with this filter, the more fragmented your experience becomes.
This is why the ego leads to suffering:
Not because it’s wicked but because it’s blocks our view of life and causes us to attach to the fragments of ourselves instead of growing through them into wholeness.
At the end of the day, life itself is whole and so – when you move through life from a place of ego-attachment – you’re trying to live a whole life through a fragmented lens which is impossible and just inevitably leads to unnecessary friction.
This friction starts as irritation, builds into frustration, and eventually collapses into misery.
The Trap of the Spiritual Bypass
Many men try to dissolve the ego by simply trying to convince themselves that they don’t have one:
They watch some ‘spiritual‘ videos online, read a few books, and then attach the concepts that they’ve picked up to their identity – instead of actually experiencing them – and start speaking in non-dual jargon and hope it fixes the inner tension that comes from not taking that leap into the unknown.
They churn out the catchphrases like “there is no self” and that “everything is just awareness” while secretly still raging at their ex, feeding addictions to validation, or numbing out on porn in an attempt to fill the Void that’s still defining their relationship with themselves and life.
The bottom-line with this kind of thing is that spiritual bypassing is just ego in disguise.
Real spirituality doesn’t avoid the world (or anything else, for that matter) – it’s about facing the truth head on and then riding through the mess that comes from whatever was stopping us from facing it in the first place. It’s about integrating every shadow, every pattern, every wound – not denying them.
And the only way you can start to integrate like this is by accepting that you have an ego in the first place (and that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that because it’s not about ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but REAL).
Realness: A Path Through the Middle and into Non-Duality
The philosophy I explore in my books and use in my coaching containers with clients is REALNESS and realness is about truth. It’s also about recognising the tension between the ego and the shadow – the part of you you’ve pushed away and sent into hiding in order to maintain an image (ego) that’s ‘acceptable’ to the world around you.
Most men try to project a strong ego in order to avoid facing their shadow (even though facing it is what will set them free) but this just creates a deeper split and an increased sense of fragmentation.
The way back to wholeness is always through Awareness, Acceptance, and Action:
- Awareness (Deconstruct Ego): See the pattern. Name the filter. Notice when you’re trying to control the uncontrollable, hide from yourself, or win some imaginary competition that really doesn’t matter.
- Acceptance (Integrate Shadow): Let what is, be. Don’t resist reality because you’ll only lose. Own your flaws, your desires, your mess. Embrace your real opinions and the ways of the world that may initially be uncomfortable (because they don’t align with the ideals that your ego rests upon).
- Action (Trust Yourself and Life): From this clarity, act. Let your action come from alignment with the whole, not the scramble of ego. Learn to take action that’s yours to take and let go and trust life to handle the rest in times of uncertainty.
Non-Duality Isn’t Passivity – It’s Power
One of the biggest myths men carry is that dissolving the ego will make them weak but the complete opposite is true: the ego is weakness because it’s illusory and the only power we can ever have comes from what’s REAL.
When you stop reacting from ego, you stop wasting energy because you stop resisting life and start accepting it (which alleviates the friction, frustration, and misery that ego eventually brings).
When you’re not fragmented inside, your actions become clean, clear, and impactful because they’re inspired by something whole.
In this state, drive becomes devotion:
You don’t hustle to be seen; you create because it’s real. You lead not to dominate, but to serve. You train your body not out of fear, but love, respect, and the intention to express more life and feel more alive. You set goals not to feel worthy, but because you already are and you want to revel in it.
This is what it means to be in the world but not of it.
From Vision to Wholeness: Non-Duality Made Actionable
The danger of goal-setting from the ego is that it always moves the finish line because it’s caught up in outcome-independence and so you’ll never feel like you’re ‘enough’.
When you act from that place of REALNESS, beyond duality, your vision shifts:
You aim not to fill a hole, but to express wholeness.
Here’s how you can start to do that:
- Vision: What would your life look like if it flowed from truth and wholeness instead fear and fragmentation? Real vision arises when you start to ask yourself “What wants to come through me?“
- Goals: Make them real, measurable, and rooted in contribution. They should stretch you but not enslave you as they carry you towards your vision.
- Habits: These are your anchor to reality: Choose habits that bring you back into presence, back into the now, back into your body, and that help you to grow into the version of yourself that’s aligned with your vision.
The Discipline of Presence
Most men think discipline is about ‘forcing’ things but real discipline is about presence:
It’s about being here and to remain unshaken, no matter what arises. From this place, you can choose aligned action – not because you’re ‘proving’ something but because you already are something: a man plugged into the whole.
The world will still throw fragmentation at you and so your nervous system will still get triggered here-and-there but, every time you return to realness, you dissolve a bit more ego. You reclaim a bit more energy. You start flowing with life instead of fighting it.
And that? That’s non-dual.
It’s REAL.
Practical Integration: A Roadmap for Non-Duality and Realness
Here’s how to bring this down from the clouds and into your real, day-to-day life:
1. Daily Awareness Practice
Spend at least 10 minutes a day in stillness:
Ask yourself: What am I believing right now that is creating resistance?
Breathe. Observe. No ‘fixing’. Just notice that ego filter and how your identity is distorting your life.
2. Shadow Work Journal
Every week, write about what ‘triggered’ or activated you in some way: Go deep.
What fear or unmet need is behind it? What part of your ego was being defended? What is it time to let go of? What is it time to accept?
3. Choose Real Goals
Check your goals and figure out if they’re motivated in ego or in something real. Essentially, you wanna make sure that your goals serve growth, not approval (or any other unreal strategy for filling the Void).
4. Create Flow Habits
Build 3 daily habits that anchor you into presence:
- Breathwork or cold showers to reset your nervous system.
- Resistance training to stay grounded.
- Time in nature to remind you of the whole.
5. Commit to the Dance
You’re not trying to be perfect; you’re not trying to become enlightened by next Tuesday; you’re just dancing with life and observing it as it unfolds.
Sometimes you’ll flow, sometimes you’ll fall but realness is always in the return so commit to it.
As the old Japanese proverb says: “Nanakorobi yaoki” (七転び八起き) “If you fall down seven times, get up eight”.
Final Word: Truth Dissolves Ego and Non-Duality is Reality
There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting to build, achieve, or impact the world – in fact, the world probably needs more men who do that from wholeness.
But you can’t bypass your way there:
You have to face your filters, you have to stop fighting reality, and you have to let go of the image of the man you think you should be so you can finally be the one you are.
That’s non-duality: not an escape but a return.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re interested in tapping into your real drive and taking action and you think that coaching might be for you, then book a free call with me and get moving.
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