by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Introduction: The Silent Struggle of Modern Men

There’s a deep, unspoken pain carried by many men in the world today – an invisible burden that leaves them feeling lost to the Void, disconnected, and uncertain of their place both within themselves and within the universe as a whole.

Some call it a “crisis of masculinity” or simply just a “sign of the times” but – at its core – it’s something much deeper: the masculine wound.

This ‘wound’, formed through shame, the absence of strong (i.e. REAL) male role models, and a cultural shift that fears and suppress natural masculine instincts has created a generation of men who don’t know who they are or what they stand for because it’s made them believe that they can’t choose to express what’s real about themselves.

This isn’t about nostalgia for outdated roles or some reactionary longing for the past but about realness and the truth is very simple:

When a man is disconnected from his real nature, he struggles; he second-guesses himself, avoids responsibility and real growth, and either becomes overly passive and listless and rolls over or overcompensates with aggression and by grandstanding as a kind of caricature of what it means to be ‘a man’.

This wound is why so many men feel lost and end up living those “lives of quiet desperation”…but like any wound, it can be healed if you have the courage to face it.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The masculine wound means we didn't face our shadow.

What is the Masculine Wound?

The masculine wound isn’t just one thing; it’s a collection of unresolved pain, conditioning, and unmet needs that distort a man’s sense of self.

It can manifest in all kinds of symptoms (all of which are caused by the same fundamental problem: disconnection from the truth about oneself in one’s realness):

A lack of confidence in one’s own decisions and abilities and so lacking vision and discipline around REAL ACTION.
Fear of responsibility and commitment and so never seeing anything to completion and not being able to have REAL RELATIONSHIPS.
People-pleasing tendencies or excessive aggression and so not being able to cultivate REAL INTIMACY.
Disconnection from healthy masculine traits like strength, discipline, and purpose and so not being able to dedicate oneself to a REAL PURPOSE.
Shame around natural masculine energy, often reinforced by societal narratives so not being able to be REAL WITH ONESELF.
A deep sense of aimlessness or feeling like life lacks meaning and so not being able to live a REAL LIFE.

For many men, this wound is inflicted early:

They grow up without strong male role models (and so they end up with ‘Daddy’ Issues) or in environments that reject masculinity as something ‘toxic’ rather than something that needs to be developed.

Many fathers were absent – either physically or emotionally – and, as a result, many boys had no guidance on what it means to be a man and find themselves just kind of ‘wandering’ through life like lost sheep looking for a shepherd (and not realising that they can step up and be their own because there is always a leader inside them waiting to step up and shine light on the way forward).

The Root of the Masculine Wound: Shame and Suppression

At the heart of the masculine wound is always the enemy of realness: shame.

Shame is always that thing that keeps a man disconnected from the truth, forcing him into an identity that isn’t his own and that sends important and real parts about himself into hiding (in what I like to call the Shadow Territory).

In fact, we can go so far as to say that shame is just a disconnection from the truth.

This shame is often internalised in all kinds of ways but here are some common examples:

If a man was raised in an environment where expressing his strength was seen as aggressive or undesirable (often because his own father fears this), then he suppresses it (or has it suppressed through violence).
If he was made to feel inadequate by his father, teachers, or peers, he internalises that feeling and doubts himself in every area of life moving forwards.
If he grew up with no clear guidance on what it means to be a man, he wanders through life aimlessly, trying to figure it out on his own while battling an internal war of insecurity and doubt (especially in a world that fears and demonises masculinity – even though it was masculinity that built it).

This shame leads to a fragmented identity (the Ego) that serves as a mask for all of the hidden ‘parts’ of who we are in our realness (the Shadow Self):

When hiding behind the Ego like this, men become either passive, approval-seeking ‘nice’ guys who fear confrontation and suppress their own needs or they swing to the other extreme and become arrogant, overcompensating, and emotionally closed off – both of which are just different masks hiding the same deeper pain underneath: shame.

To heal the wound, you need to start taking you mask off (book a coaching call with me to get started).

The Father Wound and Its Impact

A major contributor to the masculine wound is the father wound (aka ‘Daddy’ Issues) – the pain caused by an absent, weak, or overly critical father figure.

This is because when a father is absent, weak, or overly-critical it signals to the child that they are ‘less’ than somehow. This signal turns to shame and the rest is history.

Of course, this isn’t about ‘blaming’ fathers – they were doing the best they could (usually) with what they had and according to their own wounds and emotional ‘stuff’ and so the bottom line is that many men simply didn’t have the tools to lead their sons properly.

But the result is still the same: a man without guidance struggles to find his path.

If a man’s father was absent or weak, he often:

Seeks external validation because he never internalised his own worth and so tries to ‘outsource’ it to other people.
Struggles with confidence because he never saw a model of strong, stable masculinity, and doesn’t know to act or be real in the world.
Fears failure and responsibility because no one taught him how to handle adversity and he constantly judges himself under the weight of the shame he carries.

The Consequences of the Masculine Wound

When a man doesn’t heal his masculine wound, he lives in a state of avoidance and frustration because he can’t ACCEPT life (because then he would have to face the truth about himself and dissolve the shame he’s unconsciously identified with). He knows, deep down, that something is ‘off’ – but he doesn’t know what.

The signs are everywhere:

Lack of drive and ambition – He becomes a man without a real vision or purpose and drifts through life never feeling any flow.
Struggles in relationships – Without a strong masculine core, relationships lack masculine-feminine polarity, leading to either resentment or co-dependency and a lack of real intimacy in romantic relationships.
Chronic indecision – Because he doubts himself, he can’t commit fully to anything and so he never gets anywhere real…just where the world TELLS him to go.
Addictions and distractions – He numbs himself with porn, video games, social media, or substances rather than face his pain and grow real again (by facing the truth and dissolving that shame – see my book Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace which talks about this in detail).
Fear of confrontation – He avoids difficult conversations and situations, weakening his presence and his capacity to grow in truth (instead of shrinking away from it and never changing anything).

This isn’t how men were meant to live – it’s completely UNREAL. And the worst part?

The longer a man avoids healing this wound, the more it controls him and drives everything that he does and all of the RESULTS he does or doesn’t get in his life.

How to Heal the Masculine Wound

1. Face the Truth Head-On
Healing starts with radical and unconditional acceptance:

Stop pretending the wound isn’t there and recognise the patterns in your life that stem from avoidance, fear, and shame.

What have you been running from? Where are you making excuses? Only by facing these questions can you start to change and start running towards something REAL instead.

2. Develop a Strong Relationship with Real Masculinity
This doesn’t mean playing a role – it means developing the skills and qualities that make men strong, grounded, and purpose-driven.

For example (there are many, many more):

Discipline – Show up every day and do what needs to be done.
Courage – Speak the truth and take action despite how you might ‘feel’ about it (focus on what you want instead).
Integrity – Align your words and actions and stick to your word and your principles.
Self-reliance – Build confidence by handling your own problems and taking responsibility for what’s yours (and learning to let go and trust life when need be).

3. Heal the Father Wound
If your father was absent, weak, or critical, recognise that you can reparent yourself by learning to master your mind and cultivate the kind of qualities the man you want to be embodies.

You can also find strong male mentors – whether in real life, through books, or communities – that embody what you want to become.

Stop waiting for the father you never had and become the man you need and want to be.

(Again, you can book a call with me if you want help with this).

4. Get Your Body and Mind Right
A simple fact about life is that a weak body leads to a weak mind:

One of the fastest ways to start healing is to strengthen your body and regulate your nervous system:

Lift weights and get lean – Strength training builds not just muscle, but resilience.
Get strong and flexible – Throw some power yoga in the mix too and stay mentally and physically strong and flexible.
Eat real food – Your diet affects your testosterone, energy, and mental clarity so eat for dominance of yourself and your goals.
Practice breathwork and meditation – These help regulate your nervous system and reduce anxiety which allows you to stay unshakeable as you move through life.
Get off porn and dopamine hijacks – Stop numbing yourself and start facing reality by getting into the natural rhythms of your life and body (semen retention is always a good starting point).

5. Cultivate Brotherhood
Men are not meant to go through life alone because we are tribal creatures:

Find a group of men who push you to be better – whether through a mentorship, a gym community, or a strong friend group, you need to be around other men who hold you accountable and challenge you so you don’t lapse into the BS that your wounds have been showing you (because your wound is not the real you).

The only way to heal yourself is to stop running away and face the masculine wound

Conclusion: Step Away From the Masculine Wound and Into Your Realness

Healing the masculine wound isn’t just about ‘fixing’ yourself – it’s about returning to your natural state of REALNESS.

Masculinity is never a problem but shame, suppression, and avoidance always are.

Stay real out there,

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.