by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
How to Stop Self-Sabotage and Get on Track With Your REAL Life
Self-sabotage can be one of the most frustrating and insidious forces in a man’s life – it’s like constantly hitting your head against the same brick wall and expecting things to change but they never do.
The cycle always unfolds in the same way:
Just when you’re making progress, something drags you back into an ‘old’ way of being that you’re consciously trying to outgrow – an old habit, a bad decision, a ‘pull’ towards comfort and self-destruction instead of the drive towards stretching yourself and creating something real.
To make things even worse, most men don’t even realise they’re doing it because they identify with the symptoms of their sabotage instead of seeing that it’s something unreal in them pulling them off the path they really belong on.
This quick article will break down exactly how men sabotage themselves, why it happens, and – most importantly – how to stop it.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
The Dance Between the Ego and the Shadow: Why Self-Sabotage Happens
To understand self-sabotage, we need to look at the unconscious battle happening within every man (and every human being, for that matter):
On the surface our relationship with ourselves and life is the Ego – the part of you that has goals, ambitions, and a self-image to uphold (though these goals, ambitions, and self-image are often unreal because they’re driven by shame and not as an expression of who you really are in truth).
Beneath this, lurking in the darkness of whatever you’ve disowned about yourself to ‘fit in’ and be ‘acceptable’ within the world, is the Shadow Self – the part of you that carries all the things you reject, fear, and repress about the truth of yourself, the world, and reality.
Most men think they’re making conscious choices in life, but the truth is something different (that’s worth remembering):
Unconscious intentions always triumph over conscious desires.
For example:
You might want to succeed, get fit, be disciplined, or build a great relationship, but if there’s an unresolved wound in your Shadow – one that believes you’re unworthy, weak, or destined to fail, for example – that deeper belief will override your conscious will every time and so you will never get the results you keep telling yourself you ‘want’ (because like we just said: unconscious intentions always triumph over conscious desires – write that down and remember it because it can change your life).
This is one of the main reasons why many men repeat toxic cycles, fall into destructive habits, and struggle to break free – they aren’t just fighting ‘bad’ habits; they’re fighting a hidden part of themselves that is actively working against them because they haven’t faced it and integrated it.
Knowing this can help you to see that self-sabotage isn’t random:
It’s the result of an internal war between the Ego (who you think you are) and the Shadow (who you really are but refuse to accept).
The more you ignore your Shadow, the more it controls you beyond your conscious control and you’ll wonder why this keeps happening (like Carl Jung said: “Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it fate/God”).
If you want to stop self-sabotage, you have to stop rejecting the parts of yourself that are creating it in the first place which means that you need to integrate the Shadow, bring your unconscious fears into awareness, and stop pretending they don’t exist.
Only then can you move forward without tripping over yourself.
The Ways Men Unknowingly Self-Sabotage
1. Procrastination: The Most Common Form of Self-Sabotage
Every time you put something off, you reinforce the idea to your unconscious mind that you are not capable – this just strengthens your unconscious intention regardless of what you ‘think’ or tell yourself at the conscious level. Procrastination is self-betrayal disguised as ‘waiting for the right moment.’ The truth, however, is that the ‘perfect’ time never comes. You act now or you don’t act at all (but it’s way easier when you know what’s going on at the level of your Shadow and not just your Ego).
2. Addictions and Escapism
Porn, junk food, video games, mindless scrolling – men destroy their potential by numbing themselves to life and avoiding reality (which is what we always need to face to get the best results in life). Escapism feels good in the moment, but it steals your energy, focus, and drive in the long-term. If you’re constantly escaping, ask yourself: What am I running from? and then start running towards something REAL instead.
3. Perfectionism: The Fear of Taking Imperfect Action
Many men think they need to ‘be ready’ before they start something, but that’s just unconscious fear talking and weighing them down. Perfectionism is procrastination in disguise – instead of aiming for ‘perfect,’ aim for ‘progress’ and start taking real action TODAY. Start with just one real thing and watch how quickly you can start to build momentum.
4. The Fear of Success is Self-Sabotage
It sounds ridiculous, but many men sabotage themselves because they’re actually afraid of what will happen if they succeed. Success comes with responsibility, expectations, and the unknown – all of which are a ‘threat’ to the Ego and the familiar ways of seeing ourselves, others, and life itself. Fear of stepping into that power keeps them small and causes them to keep shrinking away from what they really want (because their unconscious intention to stay the same outweighs their conscious desire to ‘succeed’).
5. Staying in Weak Social Circles
Who you spend time with will either elevate you or drag you down and many men sabotage their potential by surrounding themselves with people who reinforce their weaknesses instead of challenging them to grow. If your social circle normalises mediocrity, self-destruction, or avoidance, it’s only a matter of time before you follow suit. If you tell yourself that you want to be a stronger version of yourself but keep hanging around with people you don’t respect or that are weak then your unconscious intention is to not respect yourself and to treat your own weakness as the status quo.
6. Playing the Victim
Blaming your upbringing, past failures, or external circumstances keeps you powerless because it causes you to identify with a static image of yourself instead of tuning into the process of evolving and growing real. When you see yourself as a victim, you hand over control of your life to everything outside of you. Real men take ownership – of their choices, their mindset, and their destiny and know that this all starts by tuning into the power that’s within them (identifying as a victim usually means that we fear this inner power because we know it’s going to disrupt our lives….even though we really want to change them).
7. Ignoring Their Health
Your mind and body are connected as one system. If you don’t take care of yourself physically, you’ll struggle mentally. Many men sabotage themselves by eating garbage, avoiding exercise, and neglecting sleep – then wonder why they feel like failures. If you keep making poor choices like this then you’re literally signalling to your unconscious mind that you don’t care about yourself. Then you wonder why you’re not getting where you know deep down you want to be?
How to Stop Self-Sabotage and Get Out of Your Own Way
1. Face Your Shadow and Accept Your Flaws
Instead of pretending you don’t have insecurities, fears, or weaknesses, own them and start being REAL with yourself. Your Shadow only has power over you if you reject it (and there’s a lot of ‘good’ things about you down there too – it’s not just ‘bad’ qualities or wounds but your joy, your ability to trust life, and your real emotions). The moment you acknowledge your self-sabotaging tendencies, they lose their grip and you can start moving in a real way again.
2. Take Relentless Action (Even When You Don’t Feel Like It)
Real action is the antidote to sabotage – the more you act, the less room you give fear, doubt, and self-destruction to take over because when you take action you get EVIDENCE that all of your unreal beliefs about yourself are exactly that: unreal. Discipline isn’t about feeling ready – it’s about doing what needs to be done regardless of how you feel and reminding yourself what you really want.
3. Upgrade Your Environment
If you’re surrounded by people who reinforce self-sabotaging behaviours, you’ll never escape them. Level up your social circle and choose to be around men who hold you accountable and push you to be better. If you’re stuck with a bunch of ‘losers‘ then you’re just increasing the odds of becoming one yourself (by telling your unconscious mind that it’s okay to be one and then getting frustrated because – at the level of the conscious mind – you tell yourself you want the complete opposite). Do the work.
4. Develop a Non-Negotiable Routine
Structure is freedom. Having a strong daily routine – one that includes training, good nutrition, productive work, and time for self-reflection – creates momentum and keeps you on track. Figure out a set of habits that will support you to be the man you want to be daily and then stick to it (you’ll see your growth compound over time in all areas).
5. Get Comfortable with Discomfort
Growth is uncomfortable because it means letting go of ego and facing the shadow ‘stuff’ -if you avoid discomfort, you stay stagnant which is an unreal state (because real life keeps moving). The greatest men in history weren’t the most talented; they were the ones who leaned into difficulty and trusted themselves in life instead of running from it all and distracting themselves.
Conclusion
Self-sabotage is not random. It’s not bad luck. It’s not something that just ‘happens’ to you.
Instead, it’s a direct result of your relationship with your own Shadow and the unconscious intentions you hold about yourself. If you don’t address these intentions, you’ll just keep tripping over the same patterns, making the same mistakes, and watching your potential slip through your fingers whilst being bewildered and wondering why this keeps happening.
If you do the work – if you face the Shadow, take action, and start making decisions from a place of realness instead of fear – you’ll break free and start living a life that you can be proud of.
The choice is simple and it’s yours:
Keep sabotaging yourself or start taking responsibility for your future?
Stay real out there,
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