by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

You Can Get Lost and Become Unreal When You Believe That Other People Can Make You Feel Whatever Is That You’re Feeling

One of the biggest stumbling blocks that keeps people trapped in unnecessary and (ultimately) unreal suffering, conflict, and fragmentation is the belief that other people can make them feel something.

It’s one of the most common phrases in the world and you might’ve used some variant of it yourself:

“You made me angry”.

“You made me insecure”.

“You made me feel rejected”.

“You made me feel ashamed”.

“You made me feel [whatever]”.

At first glance, it seems kinda obvious that these kind of statements are actually true:

Somebody says or does something, an emotion appears inside us, and so we assume they caused the feeling but – if we stop and look a little deeper – we’ll see that something more subtle is actually unfolding.

It looks like this:

Nobody can truly make you feel anything but what they can do is activate feelings that are already within you.

This might sound like an irrelevant distinction but it actually changes everything because it’s the difference between living as an effect of the world and living as a cause within it.

When we believe people can “make” us feel things at any moment then we hand our power away and become emotionally dependent on external circumstances and start reacting to life instead of actually showing up in it.

Realness begins when we recognise that the world can trigger what’s already inside us but it can’t inject emotions into us from the outside (people can cause us physical pain but this article is about feelings as emotions).

This understanding changes the way we see ourselves, other people, and reality itself.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Nobody can make you feel anything you don't choose to feel.

Nobody Can “Make” You Feel Anything: What We'll Cover in This Article

You Can Get Lost and Become Unreal When You Believe That Other People Can Make You Feel Whatever Is That You’re Feeling

The Difference Between Activation and Creation

Imagine a man arguing with his partner and during the argument she says something along the lines of “You never listen to me”.

Upon hearing this, rage erupts inside him almost immediately, his chest tightens, his voice gets louder, and frustration boils over into a frenetic and vehement outburst:

“You’ve MADE me angry”, he says, and – from his perspective – that’s exactly what happened: his partner said something and anger appeared.

Okay, great – but now imagine another man in the exact same situation.

Same argument. Same words. Same tone. Same circumstances: “You never listen to me”.

This time, however, instead of exploding, he pauses and simply asks her a question like “What makes you feel that way?” or maybe he simply reflects quietly for a moment before responding.

It’s the same external event but a completely different internal reaction because the external event was NEVER the true source of the emotion.

The bottom line is that if it was true that another person could literally create emotions inside us, then everybody would react in exactly the same way to the same stimuli but they don’t:

Some people laugh at criticism, some collapse under it.

Some get angry in traffic jams, others turn the radio up and relax.

Some people hear a certain song and feel grief, others feel nostalgia or nothing at all.

What this means in practical terms is that the external event is only an activation point and what actually emerges depends on what already exists within the individual.

This is why two people can experience the exact same reality and walk away with completely different emotional states.

Your Emotional Reservoir

One of the things that can help us to understand all of this is knowing that we’re all often walking around carrying around an emotional reservoir inside us without even realising it.

This reservoir can have literally any kind of emotion in it:

Unprocessed anger.
Old shame.
Fear.
Resentment.
Sadness.
Abandonment wounds.
Disappointment.
Stress stored in the nervous system.
You name it.

All of it sits beneath the surface waiting for an opportunity to rise into awareness so that it can be processed (accepted and felt so it can either be integrated or released).

Whenever something happens externally, the pressure valve opens, and things star to seep out of the emotional reservoir and into your reaction to whatever external thing is happening:

A partner says something.
A stranger cuts you off in traffic.
A colleague ignores your message.
A song reminds you of your ex.
A film scene unexpectedly makes you cry.
You name it (again!)

In these moments, it can feel as though the outside world is causing the emotion but – in reality – the outside world is simply activating what was already there and you’re being shown what you need to work on in yourself (this is why we can say that “triggers are teachers“).

This helps to explain why certain reactions from people can seem wildly disproportionate to the situation itself:

Somebody forgets to reply to a message and suddenly you feel deep rejection.

Your partner asks a simple question and you become defensive.

A minor inconvenience ruins your entire day.

The external event isn’t the whole story – it’s just touching on something internal and the ‘juice’ that comes out when you get squeezed is showing you what remains unfaced in yourself and your life (usually because it’s hidden in the Shadow Self behind the familiar self-image of Ego).

Many of us spend our whole lives trying to control the world so they don’t have to feel what’s inside themselves (almost always because of unresolved shame, guilt, and/or trauma – the Unholy Trinity) but this never works for long because life will always keep activating us until we deal with what’s actually there.

Living as Effect Instead of Cause

When we believe that other people can “make” us feel things, we unconsciously position ourselves as an effect of life instead of a cause within it (not the Ultimate Cause like God or something – just an agent with free will that can cause things to happen through real action).

This is a powerless and unreal way to live because it means our inner state depends entirely on what happens externally and so things can shift at any second (depending on what’s going on around us):

“If people validate me, I can feel okay”.
“If nobody criticises me, I can stay calm”.
“If life goes my way, then I can have peace”.
Etc. etc. etc.

Thankfully, reality doesn’t work like this because life is unpredictable, we’re all imperfect, relationships bring friction, challenges happen, and disappointment is inevitable – if our emotional state is always dependent on external conditions, then we’ll spend our lives trying to manipulate reality into making us feel ‘safe’ but this is just exhausting and, ultimately, impossible.

(Plus, we’re already safe anyway when we tap into our REALNESS).

Realness begins when we realise that the world is not controlling our inner state as much as we thought it was – yes, people can activate things within us, life can (and will) shake us, and emotions arise but those emotions are signals from within us and not proof that the external world has ultimate power over us.

Seeing things like this (because it’s true – not just because it sounds nice) – is a completely different orientation towards life than what you might be used to.

Instead of asking “How do I stop people making me feel bad?” you can begin to ask “What is this situation revealing about what’s already inside me?”

That question changes the game because it moves us back into responsibility, awareness, and growth and allows you to actually tap into the power of CHOICE.

This Isn’t About Blaming Yourself

After saying all this, it’s important to make something clear which is that understanding this idea does not mean becoming cold, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable.

It doesn’t mean saying things like “Well, you’re responsible for your own emotions” and not being there for people or using this philosophy as an excuse to hurt people without accountability.

The goal isn’t to dismiss emotions but to gain mastery over them and there’s a pretty huge difference between the two – in fact, understanding activation often makes us more compassionate because we realise everybody is carrying unseen pain and unresolved emotional material inside themselves in that “emotional reservoir”).

This allows us to see that when somebody reacts strongly, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re “crazy” or irrational – often, it just means that something deep within them has been touched (just as is true for us if we get ‘activated’).

This understanding allows us to stop projecting absolute power onto other people because of our own feelings of powerlessness and start dealing with our own inner world instead.

Finally, we can be free.

Life Will Keep Showing You What Needs Healing

One of the fascinating things about life is that it continually reveals where we’re fragmented and have opportunities to grow into deeper wholeness.

Here are some common examples:

If anger keeps arising, there’s usually unresolved anger within us.
If rejection devastates us repeatedly, there may be unprocessed shame or abandonment beneath the surface.
If criticism destroys our sense of self, there may be a fragile identity structure (the ego) trying desperately to protect itself.

In short, life exposes what’s already there and this is why the same patterns repeat until we become conscious of them – for example:

Different partner, same emotional dynamic.
Different workplace, same feelings.
Different circumstances, same inner reaction.

In all cases like these, the external details change but the internal emotional ‘stuff’ remains the same until it’s processed and integrated.

We have to stop pretending that the world is endlessly “doing things to us” and start asking what reality is trying to show us about ourselves.

Once you can see what’s happening clearly, you can finally work with it consciously instead of being unconsciously controlled by it.

You can become Aware of it, Accept it, and then take real Action.

(Awareness, Acceptance, and Action works every time which is why I use it to support my coaching clients).

Nobody Can Make You Feel Your Feelings & Reclaiming Your Power

If you want to stop living from the outside-in and start living from the inside-out, then here are some practical steps you can take to start shifting back towards realness:

1. Regulate Your Nervous System

The first step is almost always regulation because when the nervous system is overloaded, everything feels threatening and so a simple comment feels like an attack, a disagreement feels like absolute abandonment, and a setback feels catastrophic.

Regulation helps create enough internal safety for us to actually feel emotions without immediately reacting to them which is a key to being able to integrate the ‘stuff’ in that emotional reservoir.

Some common tools for nervous system regulation:

Breathwork
Sleep
Exercise
Meditation
Yin yoga
Walking in nature
Reducing overstimulation
Spending time away from constant stress and distraction

The goal isn’t to become emotionless but grounded because when you’re regulated, you become less reactive and more responsive which means you stop interpreting every activation as danger so can actually show up.

2. Integrate Your Feelings

Most people resist their feelings instead of feeling them which is what causes so many problems for them:

They distract themselves.
Suppress emotions.
Project onto others.
Numb themselves.
Stay constantly ‘busy’.

The problem with resistance is that resisted feelings don’t disappear – they just stay in the emotional reservoir waiting to be activated again and again.

(Actually, the more we resist, the stronger they tend to get over time).

Integration means allowing yourself to actually feel what’s inside you without running away from it.

Anger.
Grief.
Fear.
Sadness.
Shame.
You name it.

You don’t need to act out on these emotions or to identify with them – you simply allow yourself to feel them fully so they can move through you instead of remaining trapped inside (emotions are “e-motion, energy in motion”).

This is how pressure leaves the system and so the more integrated you become, the less reactive you become because there’s less unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ waiting to erupt when you get ‘activated’.

If you want to go deeper into realness and building flow then check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.

3. Create a Vision for Realness

Creating a foundation that puts you in touch with your essence (your realness) is the first step but you also need a direction for expressing more of this essence in the form of a vision for who you’re becoming.

Realness means moving towards wholeness instead of fragmentation and this requires intention in the form of a vision, goals, and then habits that align with growth instead of self-destruction.

Ask yourself:

What kind of person do I want to become?
How do I want to respond under pressure?
What would it look like to live from truth instead of fear?
What habits strengthen trust instead of fragmentation?

Regulation and integration create the foundation but vision gives your life momentum.

Without vision, people often fall back into old emotional loops because they have no meaningful direction pulling them forward.

Nobody can make you feel what isn't already inside you. When you realise this, you can reclaim your power.

Nobody Can ‘Make’ You Feel Anything: From Reactivity to Presence

The truth is that if you believe other people can “make” you feel things at any moment then you’ll constantly live at the mercy of the world which means that you’ll become hyper-vigilant, defensive, and easily destabilised as you constantly attempt to control external reality so you can feel ‘okay’ internally.

Realness is the opposite because it’s about becoming present enough to recognise what’s actually happening.

This is what we’ve explored in this article:

The world activates.
You become aware.
You feel what’s there.
You respond consciously instead of unconsciously reacting because somebody or something “made” you feel something.

That’s freedom – not because emotions disappear but because you stop being controlled by them.

At the end of the day, nobody can truly make you feel anything – they can only reveal what’s already waiting inside you that you haven’t fully faced in yourself.

Once you understand this, life stops feeling like something that’s happening to you and starts becoming something you can consciously participate in instead.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to start growing real so that you can reclaim your power over yourself and your life then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you take real action.

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness is a book designed to help you look at your life from the inside-out so that you can stop holding yourself back and go get what you really want.

It contains 166 practical ‘Revolutions’ for awareness and over 8,000 Self-Guidance Questions for you to uncover new insight about yourself, the world, and reality that you can translate into action and start building your real life on the realest possible foundation.

Shadow Life is an exploration of the human shadow and the hidden side of our personalities. It looks at the masks we wear, where these masks come from, and how we can take them off.

The book explores how we can better manage our relationships with shame, guilt, and trauma in order to remove the Mask that the world has asked us to wear (and that we forgot we were wearing) so we can live an authentic life with less drama, chaos, or BS whilst we’re still around.

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