Oli Anderson

Hi, I'm Oli Anderson - a Transformational Coach for REALNESS and author who helps people to tap into their REALNESS by increasing Awareness of their real values and intentions, to Accept themselves and reality, and to take inspired ACTION that will change their lives forever and help them find purpose. Click here to read my story about how I died, lost it all, and then found reality.

You Breathe Just Like Me; You Bleed Just Like Me (Creative Status: Episode 70: Dr. Ford Dyke)

Creative Status is a podcast about using creativity as a vehicle for improving your life by deconstructing ego, integrating the shadow self, and designing and manifesting a real life.

Every episode explores how the creative process can help you GROW REAL by moving towards wholeness in yourself by making the unconscious conscious.

Join us on Creative Status for a real conversation with Human Performance Optimization expert, Dr. Ford Dyke, as we explore the foundational truths about life and our relationship with ourselves.

In this thought-provoking conversation, Dr. Dyke introduces the powerful acronym HUMAN—hydrate, unplug, move, aspire, and nourish—as a roadmap to optimize our connection with our bodies and reclaim our authenticity.

Meet Dr. Ford Dyke: Delve into the expertise of Dr. Dyke, whose multidimensional approach integrates years of experience as a Team USA Athlete, Performance Coach, and educator. From high-level executives to elite athletes, Dr. Dyke collaborates globally to optimize human performance and wellbeing.

Return to Your Body: Dr. Dyke emphasizes the importance of returning to our bodies to unlock our full potential. Explore how the HUMAN acronym—hydrate, unplug, move, aspire, and nourish—serves as a guiding light on the journey to self-optimization and authenticity.

Foundation in Truth: Drawing from his roots in the seaside community of Jupiter Beach, Florida, Dr. Dyke reminds us of the elemental truths embodied by nature. Discover how reconnecting with these foundational truths can enhance our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing.

Optimize Your Human Experience: Tune in as Dr. Dyke shares practical insights and actionable strategies to optimize your human experience.

Whether it’s hydration, digital detox, movement, aspirations, or nourishment, discover how small changes can lead to profound transformations in your life.

Creative Status: Where Wellness Meets REALNESS

Join Dr. Ford Dyke and Oli Anderson for an episode that redefines our relationship with ourselves, our bodies, and life itself.

Learn how to transform your life by embracing the HUMAN acronym and returning to foundational truths about life.

This episode is your invitation to treat your body as a temple, not a theme park, and embark on a journey of holistic wellness for REALNESS.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson

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Ford Dyke on LinkedIn: ⁠https://www.linkedin.com/in/ford-dyke/⁠

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Show Transcript: You Breathe Just Like Me; You Bleed Just Like Me

Tapping into your realness through the creative process

Intro

Oli Anderson: Oh, hi there. Oli Anderson here. You’re listening to Creative Status. This is a podcast about using your creativity to improve your life by using it as a vehicle for becoming more real. More real means that you’re more connected to yourself, your body, your mind, your emotions, your soul – if you want to go deep into it – you’re more connected to other people and more connected to life itself, because you’re not resisting life with ego.

You’re actually breaking through the ego and integrating your shadow, the hidden parts of yourself, so that you can have a deep connection to the way that things are. If you do that, then you’re living the philosophy that real always works, and you’re going to be able to get better results from life itself and from the goals that you have. Because where else are you going to be able to get results apart from reality itself?

Today’s interview is with Dr. Ford Dyke. He’s a Human Optimization Specialist, and we’re basically exploring the idea of real always works through the lens of his work, which is about helping people to be more efficient, to optimize their relationship with their bodies and with their minds and the way that they go about life. So he’s well suited to state the obvious for the conversation. Dr. Ford has an amazing acronym that he uses, to help us understand how we can return to some foundational health habits, mental and physical health habits that are going to change our lives, help us to be human in this real always works way.

The acronym is explored in the conversation, but it’s H-U-M-A-N, which stands for “Hydrate”, – which is kind of self-explanatory – “Unplug”, which is about focusing on adequate sleep and getting into good habits with a routine of sleeping and all that kind of thing. M stands for “Move”. We all live sedentary lifestyles, or many of us do, and simple movement can make a big difference in our lives.

“Aspire” is about understanding, that we need aspiration so we can keep growing. One of the main themes of this podcast is that reality keeps changing and evolving, and so if we want to be real, we need to be too. So the aspire thing is super powerful, and then finally, N stands for “Nourish”, bringing it back to some of the, real food stuff that we’ve covered on the podcast, and just an understanding that actually what we put into our bodies is fuel for our bodies. So this is a really good conversation about being real – it’s very practical.

Dr. Ford, thank you so much for your time and your energy and your insight. Everybody else, hope this gives you some value helps you make some tweaks, if need be, so you can be more real. Thanks a bunch. Here we go. Boom.

Interview

Oli: Oh, hi there, Ford. Thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode of Creative Status. We’re going to be talking, I assume, initially, and then we’re probably going to end up somewhere totally different about one of my favourite topics, which is ultimately how we can optimize our humanity and how we can align ourselves with our human nature so that we can get better results from life by aligning ourselves with the philosophy, basically, that real always works.

Exploring human performance optimization as a lever to optimize health and wellness

So that’s what I’m assuming we’re going to talk about but before we get into all that do you feel like introducing yourself, telling people what you do, why you do what you do, and also, if you don’t mind, what you want to get out of this conversation that we’re about to dive into?

Dr. Ford Dyke: Well, first of all, thank you, Oli. I appreciate the introduction. Looking forward to the conversation on your show. My name is Ford Dyke. I wear a bunch of different hats, in no particular order. I’m a professor here at Auburn University in the sports science realm of kinesiology. I also am the director of mindfulness at Auburn, which is an evidence-based platform for performance, health, and well being. And I serve as the performance coach for the Auburn wheelchair basketball team.

As an aside, I also run my own platform called For Humans, that is incorporating human the element itself into the word performance. What I’m hoping to get out of this conversation today is explore human performance optimization as a lever to optimize not only our performance, but also our health and our wellness. Without those facets, I don’t think you can perform at a high level.

Oli: Yeah. So let’s dive right into it. Should we begin by defining our terms? So, when we talk about performance, what do we really mean? Like, I work as a performance coach as well. I call myself a creative performance coach because most of the people I work with are creatives. But what exactly are we referring to when we say we’re helping people to perform?

Is it simply just about getting results, or is it something deeper, in terms of their relationship with themselves and their relationship with life and all that kind of thing? If that’s not cracking this open too much to get going.

Ford: I think the one word definition…the one word answer here is have your audience and your listeners think of the word efficiency. And what I mean by efficiency is being able to perform at your highest level with minimal effort. I think the misconception that a lot of individuals have is performance optimization is only really applicable to elite athletes, when in fact, the reason I’ve incorporated the word human and the element itself into the word performance is because I believe, as a global society, we’ve lost touch with how important we are in that equation to elevate our performance and so perform humans is really all about starting with the basics.

The five elements of H-U-M-A-N hydrate, unplug, move and nourish. And this is not just for elite athletes. I happen to be a performance coach in the athletic realm, but I also work with clients in the military realm, in c suite, executive levels, various facets of performance. I think every single human on this planet performs to some level, and it’s all relative. And while we’re here, which we’re not here for very long, don’t we want to perform at our highest level without sacrificing our health and wealth? That’s not a rhetorical question. I think everyone’s answer to that is, of course, yes.

Oli: Yeah. There’s a theme that always comes up in these conversations about two fundamental approaches to life that people can take. One is where we’re trying to perform and get the results that we want by just forcing everything. So we become outcome-dependent.

We pick some goal that we think is going to give our life meaning and allow us to feel a sense of worth and all that kind of stuff. And then no matter what, we turn into a human doing, where we’re just constantly forcing our will against life, trying to get this result because it becomes the panacea. so we thing that’s going to solve all of our problems.

If we take in that approach and just forcing things, all we end up doing is adding unnecessary tension, which eventually turns to stress. And then we may achieve the goal, but actually we haven’t achieved the ultimate goal, which is to feel good and balanced within our humanity. That’s how I see it. The other side of the coin is where we try to find a sense of flow.

And I think there’s a healthy sense of flow, or a real sense of flow, which is basically when we do everything that we can and then let go of the rest and give it to life, if that makes sense, and we just trust the process to give us what we need. But then there’s another kind of flow where we become so open minded that, our brains fall out, we don’t do any of the work that we need to do, and then we don’t get the results, and then we just end up blaming, I don’t know, external circumstances or whatever it is.

And so I think there’s kind of a sweet spot where we’re flowing by doing what we can, being as real as possible, but then accepting the reality that we can’t control everything. And I suppose that’s the way I like to see things when I’m coaching people, is that if we can align with that flow, then we’re ultimately aligning with the truth about life -and that involves accepting what it means to actually be human.

So I’m throwing loads at you, but how does that align with the work that you’re doing with people? And I guess the lessons you’ve learned by, I guess, helping people reconfigure their relationship with performance?

Ford: First of all, incredibly well said, and I’m glad that you brought up the notion of human doing. I think we forget about the fact that we are organisms, and it takes specific resources and intentions for us to be. Hence why my whole tagline of be human, just be. We get on this wheel and we start running the rat race, and we become doers, and before we know it, we become out of balance. And our bodies don’t thrive when they’re out of balance. We thrive when we’re in balance.

Finding those homeostatic set points, the equilibrium, the equanimity, is truly what leads us to greater vitality, increased performance, more sustainable health and wellness.

So what I work on with clients is starting with those five elements:

All too often, people are dehydrated. They don’t understand the value of simply hydrating with water. So,  for your listeners, a great way to start half of your body weight in terms of ounces per day. At 200 pounds, I require 100oz per day. That’s baseline more. And more often than not, people look at me like, I guess I’m not drinking enough water. I guess I am dehydrated.

Our brains need water. Our heart needs water. Our lungs need water. Our eyes, all of our organs, even our bones, our hair, our skin, our nails, all rely on water. We are water based creatures. Of course, that percentage changes from those early stages of infancy, when we’re about 80% to 85% water. Adulthood, somewhere in the 60% to 70% range. And then as we age and become elderly, somewhere back into that 65, even 55 range.

But through the course of our lives, as we’re interested in performing at a high level, hydration is the first element for a reason. It serves as the foundation. So that’s where I start.

From there, we work into unplug how do we take time to recover? We know the value of restoration, whether it’s active and or passive. Something like sleep, naps, meditation, et cetera. But sleep is a pandemic. Sleep is an epidemic. No one’s talking about it, but it’s a really big problem on our planet. And working through the principles that help get better sleep, both from a quantitative standpoint, but also from a quality standpoint.

Move more, sit less, move more. All too often, humans are sedentary.

Now you come to the fifth. Excuse me, the third pillar, the fulcrum: Move. All too often, humans are sedentary. With sedentary behaviour and physical inactivity, we’re not able to perform at a high level. We must get moving. And notice I’m not saying, Oli, you need to join a strength conditioning gym, a CrossFit gym. You don’t need to become an elite athlete.

All I’m saying is move more, sit less, move more. Something as simple as walking ten minutes a day, three times a day, 30 minutes, 150 minutes a week. It’s small, it’s bite size. It’s really simple, but doesn’t mean it’s easy but it’s the foundation of us as human beings. Aspire, is letter a. Setting, intentions. What is it that you look forward to? What’s on the horizon? How are you going to get there?

Not just goal setting, but what’s the step by step process that you’re able to lay out to ensure that you’re meeting the markers you intend to meet to get to where you want to go? The notion of having your hands on the wheel, understanding that the windshield is a much bigger piece of glass than the rear view mirror. The rear view mirror is something to look in, to reflect on, to use information from the past to help you move forward. But if you continue to look in that rear view mirror, you’re probably going to run into a situation. It’s an analogy for our lives.

And lastly, nourish. I keep food for last because I think we look at it a little bit backwards, especially in developed nations, in global north nations, the notion of diet restriction, limitation, paleo, vegan, all the different options. Keto.

Hey, look, let’s roll it all back and let’s keep an understanding that our bodies require energy. They require energy, they require a battery to support the physiological state. And so where can we start? When I mention diet, all I’m referring to are foods you habitually consume.

So asking yourself as an audience member, what is your diet? What are foods you habitually consume? And we’re not going to change anything. We’re just going to start adding good stuff. We’re going to start making smoothies in the morning. We’re going to start adding fruits and vegetables to our plates, turning our plates 50% colour, allowing ourselves to recognize how we feel. And these basic changes. Oli, H-U-M-A-N. Hydrate, unplug, move, aspire, nourish. That serves as the foundation, that serves as the baseline.

And now we’re able to build awareness of how we start to change, how we start to feel, that then circles back, and each day, each week, month, year, ideally decade into your life, those chapters. Feeling better, performing better, feeling better, performing better, feeling better. Performing better is a sustainable approach to human performance optimization.

How do we balance the being and the doing in a real way?

Oli: Yeah, I love how you’ve simplified what people usually make. Very complex. I think a lot of the time we need things to be complicated as a way of avoiding the basic truths of our life, which are ultimately what you’ve summed up with your acronym around human. That there are foundational things we all need to do with our bodies, and, to some extent, obviously, with our, relationship, with life.

In terms of seeing ourselves as constantly growing and evolving. With the aspire thing, there are foundational things that we need to do to kind of tap into an alignment with reality. And the way that it works, the way that I see it, is ultimately we’re designed in a certain way, where we have the mind body system, and what’s good for the body is good for the mind. The same basic principles which we can get into.

And if you nourish and treat your body in a real way, rather than just been a kind of theme park instead of a temple, then you’re going to be in a very good position to tune into the sense of being that you need to inject into your doing. If your body’s stressed, if your nervous system is just completely erratic and having all kinds of crazy sensations and stuff, then you can be present in life. And if you’re not present in life, then you can’t move towards your aspirations in a real way. And a real way, I think, means that you’re injecting your being first and foremost into your doing.

So you are a human being. You’re still doing things, obviously, because you can’t get anywhere in life without action. But because the being comes first, and your body and your relationship with your body is supporting that being, you can actually ensure that the things that you do do are an expression of your being, rather than something that you’re just doing for the sake of doing it – so you can mask your existential pain and the stress and the tension that you’re carrying in your body without even knowing.

So I suppose to open this up, how do we do that more? How do we balance the being and the doing in this kind of real way that I’m talking about? Because I think ultimately that is the theme that’s kind of emerging here this idea of balance. If you get the being right, you can get the doing right and you can move forward, or you can flow with life and you can become more real, move towards wholeness, as I like to say it, without stressing yourself out unnecessarily. Something like that.

Ford: Without question. And I think you hit the nail on the head. It starts with balance. And with balance, it starts with awareness, understanding that perhaps an individual is out of balance. And the systems that we have in place within our organism are really smart systems. And if we take time to pause for a moment and tune in, our systems will tell us what we need. And this can be seen by way of inflammation, by way of visceral fat mass, by way of arthritis, stiffness, in the knees, the hips, the ankles, the joints.

You see this in skin tone, skin elasticity, hair, nails. There’s a lot of different signals that our body will give off that indicate imbalance. There’s also a lot of signals that our body will give off to indicate balance. But all too often we’ve gotten so far away from our own, intelligence that happens within side of our vessel because we get our frontal lobe in the way.

The frontal lobe is an amazing facet of the brain. It’s the neocortex. It’s the newest portion of the brain, evolutionarily speaking. However, it’s a double edged sword, Ali, and it can get in the way of a lot of really fundamental basic systems, obviously, highly technical, but very straightforward systems that we have as far as our homeostatic set points. The temperature that we’re supposed to be at, the weight that we’re supposed to be at, the satiation versus hunger responses that we’re supposed to be at, the energy versus restoration that we’re supposed to be at.

These get out of balance because the frontal lobe just keeps going more…do instead of be, as you mentioned. And that’s why I think it’s so important to just be, be human and take a step off the wheel for a moment, assess what’s happening and lean into these principles of the five elements.

Oli: I think, in a way, what we’re talking about when we talk about that front part of the brain is our identity. I think for most people, because most people are struggling with human doing instead of human being. They ultimately been driven, like you said earlier, by what’s in the rear view mirror.

They’ve got no vision for the future because unresolved emotional stuff, normally shame, guilt, and in the worst cases, trauma, has caused the kind of inner split or sense of fragmentation, where they end up disowning all kinds of parts of themselves, good and bad. I’ve said this so many times on podcast, but it’s ultimately about something that has shamed them in childhood, causing them to split off from themselves.

When that happens, they create this kind of false, fragmented version of themselves to survive life. And that is ultimately where the human doing side of things comes from, because they’re ultimately filtering everything that happens to them, and that they’re chasing through the ego in an attempt to outrun whatever’s in the rear view mirror, which is actually already gone. They’re just holding onto it because of their trauma and stuff like that.

When we’re filtering life through the ego like that, that’s when we ultimately start to put friction between ourselves and life itself – and if we don’t understand that, that’s when we end up becoming totally dysregulated in relationship to our own bodies. We’re living in the mind instead of the body, which is in the present moment.

And it reminds me of this old Taoist thing. I think it was Taoism. I read it years ago. It said, basically, if you’re hungry, eat. If you’re tired, sleep if you’re thirsty, like drink. But actually these days, because so many of us are, distracted by the world at large with all the social media and all that stuff, but also because we have this filter of the ego that we’ve attached to we eat because we think it’s going to bring comfort, we either drink or don’t drink, because we’re bored or we’re distracting ourselves or whatever it is, and we sleep according to our, I’m going to sound like a Marxist or something, like our sociocapitalistic routine, rather than the rhythms of nature itself.

And all of that, ultimately, is because we’re living conceptually instead of experientially. And I think that’s why the stuff you’re talking about getting back in touch with your body, ultimately, and then moving towards your aspirations once you’ve done that, is a super powerful thing. So in relation to the identity stuff, how do you think that is affecting people’s relationships with their humanity and the kind of balance that we’re talking about?

Ford: I’m glad you bring up the notion of identity, Oli, because it’s really interesting when working with clients, and I hand them a sheet of paper and it says the letter I, space am m. And then just a line. So I am. And I ask them to fill in the blank. And nine times out of ten, typically, people typically will write down the identity of who they are and the occupation that they reside in.

So “I am a student athlete”, “I am a chief financial officer”, “I am a mother”, “I am an F16 pilot”. Whatever. The role that they assign themselves with becomes their identity. And I think what happens is we start to look externally into that space, which disconnects us from those internal processes like we referenced earlier, all of the set points that we have. And what happens then after time?

We’re talking five years, ten years, 1523 decades down the line. We look back at the driver’s seat to go back to the windshield versus the rear view mirror analogy, and we don’t even know where the steering wheel, the accelerator, the brake, the wing mirrors. We’re so disassociated from the vehicle, from the vessel, that we’re not really sure where we’re headed anymore. And we feel like we’re lost. We feel like we’re going in circles. But we become so accustomed to the identity. That’s who we’ve referred to ourselves as. We forget first and foremost, we’re human beings.

So I want to spend time here breaking down the rear view mirror versus the windshield analogy even further. What I mean by that is that as you’re sitting in the driver’s seat of the vehicle, you have your hands on the wheel, you’re looking out the windshield. We spell windshield. W-I-N-D shield. Those first three letters, win is an acronym for “What’s Important Now”.

Not yesterday, not tomorrow, not what happened three weeks ago, not what’s going to happen next year: What’s important now.

What’s important now is not in the rear-view mirror. What’s important now is not in the wing mirrors. It may provide you information about the present moment, meaning reflecting from the past in order to set intention and aspiration for the future. But what’s important now is happening in that windshield. That’s going to allow you to drive the vehicle in the direction that you want to drive it into. If there is an obstruction in the way you can manipulate, you can manoeuvre to go around that.

If you need to speed up a little bit or slow down a little bit, that’s going to allow you to regulate the accelerator versus the brake. But until we assign meaning to what’s important now, in other words, the present moment, we will constantly be searching for information in those wing mirrors and in that rear view mirror. And before we know it, the vehicle is still moving forward, because that’s an analogy for life. We can’t stop time. We can’t speed it up or slow it down. It’s going to constantly move forward.

We become into our elderly age, and we look back and say, what the hell happened? And if you start to observe society as a global unit of organisms, eight plus billion now, as of November 2022, we hit 8 billion with a b. It seems like the large majority of humans don’t have their hands on the wheel. They’re not looking through the windshield. They don’t recognize what’s important now because of the distractions, as you indicated, social media, technology, et cetera. And we’ve become so far detached from that true driver one position.

Oli: I think a lot of this work that we seem to be doing with our clients is showing them that they can take control of that steering wheel and also showing them that what’s important now is something that they have a lot more choice over, than they may initially think. I think a lot of the time, if people are, too attached to these nouns that they identify with, so “I am a whatever”, then it limits what they think is possible.

And so what they are choosing to be of importance is often still a reflection of the past because of their self-limiting beliefs, or just the way that the identity that they’ve attached to is blocking the full expression of who they are, because it’s keeping the shadow self at bay, or all those different things.

And ultimately, if you can help people to reconfigure their identities and to realise that it’s about that constant evolution, it’s about constantly changing and evolving, then they can ultimately decide, “Okay, how am I going to navigate life to work with the change that is out of my control, to get to a place that is aligned with what I do want to control about myself”, if that makes sense.

And I think, again, to go back to the human thing, it all starts with that. And in a way, the balance of human being and human doing comes back to accepting the holistic nature of human beings as being beyond good and bad and being these kind of nondualistic entities.

If you want to say like that, where we’re just a cocktail of all these things, ‘good’, ‘bad’, and anything in between – shades of grey –  and only if you embrace that, are you going to be able to, I suppose, escape from that need that people have to fill the void with all these distractions and everything that we’re talking about.

Being human is about valuing the truth more than anything else.

One thing I’ve really been thinking deeply about recently is just how there’s the void itself, which comes from this disconnection that we’ve kind of alluded to, where people are shamed in childhood and so on and so forth. And so they create this false identity for themselves that they don’t realize is false. They think it’s real because it becomes habitual.

But as they put that out into the world and it dictates what’s important now, they constantly have this kind of restless feeling. And unless they understand, like, your work helps people understand that it’s about returning to their humanity, they’ll try and fill it with all kinds of things. They’ll fill it with all the distractions that are common in the modern world, like alcohol or porn or whatever it is that people decide they need to fill it with. That just makes the situation worse.

And then eventually, all of these things that they’re trying to fill the void with, they become a kind of void within the void because they become like gremlins that need feeding. They get withdrawal symptoms when they’re not scrolling through social media, or they get withdrawal symptoms when they’re not engaging in empty relationships that they just kind of become co-dependently involved with to fill that void inside themselves and all that stuff.

And so being human, ultimately, is about switching your focus from all of these addictive things, I guess, and these distracting things just back to the truth. Like, I don’t know if I’m making that too simplistic, but for me now, that’s really how it seems.

Being human in the realest terms is just about valuing the truth more than anything else. Letting go of those distractions, which are ultimately a substitute for a relationship with the truth, which is why we feel the void in the first place, because we become disconnected. And if we can do that, then we kind of reach a state of humility, if you want to use that word, where we realise, “Okay, I’m a human being, but I’m also a human doing”. And the balance is letting go of control as those two worlds, if you want to say that, kind of collide, I’m really ranting and raving now. I don’t know if I’m making it too convoluted.

Ford: I’m tracking you, Oli. I’m tracking you.

Oli: How does all this, I guess, track for you in terms of the addiction stuff? And just all of those distractions make life way more complicated than it needs to be. And if we can value just our own nature, really like our own realness, then a lot of the problems kind of dissolve and we find that balance that we’re talking about.

Ford: I think what coincides so nicely with your show and with your platform is that word realness. And to go back to the data metric of 8 billion on November 2022, it’s the first time as a planet we hit that number.

Now I think we’re at about 8.1 billion as a collective population. But when you start to think about that number, break it down further. The realness, the truth, Oli, is the fact that 99.99% of us, as an organism, as a homo sapien sapien, is exactly the same. Until the zero 1% of race, colour, creed, sex, national origin, preference, et cetera, starts to express and provide us our uniqueness as individuals, even twins are still individuals.

We’re not robots, we’re not machines, we’re organisms. And to our knowledge, which is kind of weird to say, as a caveat, we are the most intelligent creatures on the planet. I do take that with a grain of salt – but because of the way our brain is structured, which is truly our hardware, if you think about it that way, m the frontal lobe is where the mind resides, and our mind is our brain in action. Now, that’s our software.

But until we align software and hardware, we’re just going to continue to pinball around, to be disconnected. To think that because we have x amount of followers on pick, whatever social media platform is of preference, I have this many followers, I must be disconnected.

In fact, it’s doing the opposite. It’s creating disconnection. And if your audience doesn’t believe me, next time you go into an airport or a subway or a train station, just look around. Look how many people in that facility have their faces inside of a six to seven inch screen, searching, like you’re saying, for the next squirt of dopamine in their brain.

The like, the subscribe, the follow, the comment, the swipe, the endless scroll, when, in fact, life happens. When you pick your head up, when you allow all of your sensory modalities with olfaction, audition, gustatory, tactile, haptic, visual, auditory, all of the different sensations that we have that we’re able to label, in addition to sensations that we’re not even able to understand or describe, that’s where life happens.

Life doesn’t happen with interaction against a touch screen and against an LCD monitor. But that’s, I think, where we’ve gotten it a little bit backwards. And that’s the part that’s a little scary for me. And I understand the value of technology. I understand the value of networking platforms. I mean, hell, this is how we connected onto this call here onto your podcast, is by way of a professional network. Fantastic. But you have intentionality with it – you’re using it with purpose. You’re not using it as an escape from reality.

Oli: It’s exactly that. Technology is like anything, right? It comes down to your intention behind using it exactly like you said. But you can only have a real intention if you have a real vision. And so ultimately it comes down to purpose.

I think ultimately, the main thing that causes human beings to be kind of chasing all these distractions and addictions and feeding the gremlins that arise because of them is because they’ve become detached from inspired action, basically.

Like, I think if we can get in touch with our being in the way that we’ve talked about quite a lot now and then put the being into our doing, then the doing that we are doing, which is a weird sentence…

Ford: I’m with you, though.

Oli: It makes sense, I promise. It’s inspired action instead of just action for the sake of masking or distracting this split within ourselves because of all the shame and the things like that. And if we understand that, then it’s going to align us with our nature.

And I think exactly like you’ve said. If I understood what you were saying properly, there’s 8 billion of us on the planet. That’s a huge number, to state the obvious, but I think sometimes people don’t realize how big that number is. I heard a thing, and I can’t remember it exactly so the numbers I’m about to give are bullshit. But the point is not bullshit.

It was something like, if you count backwards to a million, that doesn’t make sense. If you count to a million, it’ll take you like, ah, three weeks, four weeks, whatever it is. If you count to a billion, it’ll take you like 27 years. And like I said, those numbers are not the exact numbers, but it’s something like that. And there’s 8 billion of us on the planet. That is a crazy amount of people.

But ultimately, even though there are differences in the scenery of our lives, the contingent things that have happened in our experience and, our own individual neurotic patterns and all that kind of stuff, the fundamental structure of being a human being is the same. And if you understand that and you align yourself with it, then you’re more likely to have a healthier relationship with reality.

And if you have a healthier relationship with reality, then you’re not going to get caught up in identity and the illusion of stasis that comes with it. You’re going to be able to let go of identity and to move towards wholeness instead of just fighting for the fragments of sense that you’re holding onto in order to avoid the truth in the first place.

And when you can live like that, I think there is a kind of a natural sense of purpose that arises. You kind of get feedback from your unconscious as it becomes conscious, because you’re not blocking it with all these nouns that people identify with. And the next step becomes clear. And then maybe there’ll be a period where you don’t know what the hell is going on, but you can trust until the next step becomes clear, and then the next one, and then the next one. And you don’t just distract yourself by doing things for the sake of doing things in the way that we’ve been talking about.

And I think this is all linked because you can only really navigate that path if you can navigate uncertainty and if you’re not in touch with your body, because the simple, foundational things you’ve talked about, you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re not hydrated, you’re not nourishing yourself.

All these things you’ve said, if you’re not in your body in a healthy way, then your nervous system can’t handle the chaos and uncertainty of life. And then you freak out. And in freaking out, you become more and more of a control freak. You get more and more attached to that identity that we keep talking about, and then you end up distracting yourself to try and maintain that identity as, the chaos of life just keeps kind of moving around something like that. And so it all ultimately comes back to aligning ourselves with our natural design, but also ensuring that our nervous system can handle the natural stress of life instead of running from stress as though it’s a bad thing. Something like that…

I’ve learned this from doing yoga. I do yoga every day, and I really think it’s just made it so much easier for me to handle stress and to take risks and, to manage uncertainty without feeling like I’m losing myself. Because my body ultimately knows that my identity is secondary to the body itself. If that makes,.

Ford: Something you said earlier, Oli, that you might not even have realised how brilliant it was. You said theme park versus temple. And when we’re in this theme park mentality, how could we find balance? Right?

Dopamine’s through the roof, serotonin’s through the roof, cortisol is through the roof. And yet, when we’re in a temple, we’re quiet, we’re calm, we have equanimity, appreciation, gratitude. We’re able to assess a situation. That’s a brilliant analogy. And I think the universal truth of all of this comes down to a lyric I just reflected on the other day and lead up to our conversation.

The lyric is very simple. It’s out of a song. And he says, “you breathe like me, you bleed like me.” It doesn’t matter your height, your weight, your race, your creed, your sex, your preference, your national origin. It does not matter if you are a human, a homo sapien sapien, if you are that organism, and there’s eight plus billion of us, we all breathe, we all bleed, and it’s exactly the same.

Those are the universal truths of the human experience. So why not take time to optimize the human experience through human performance optimization?

Oli: Yeah, it’s a no brainer, really. I think, there’s an element that people, they fear their own humanity. Like most people that are running around out there in the world as human doings, or as the opposite of that. People that have become too passive. They’re trying to either be more than human, which means they’re basically neurotic. They’re trying to control everything. They’re trying to be big heroes, they’re trying to be omniscient and omnipotent, basically.

Or they’re trying to be less than human, where they basically constantly having an existential crisis, or they think that they don’t have the strength and the power to just handle life, which I think is an illusion. Because if you tap into your realness, then you’re going to have the power, because, like we’re saying, you’re built to deal with life itself, the uncertainty and the chaos and the change and all that stuff.

And so if most people have either been more than human or less than human, or trying to be, and being human is actually this solution to most of their problems, including their spiritual problems, because only, if you embrace your humanity, then you have to embrace your humility in the way that we talk about, which means that you understand that life itself is bigger than you, ultimately, and so you can feel a sense of awe and gratitude and all that stuff.

So if being human is the way forward in a very real sense. What do you think it is that causes people to fear their humanity? Like, is it just a fear of death or is it, I don’t know, just a denial of the responsibility that comes with being in these human bodies. What is going on, in your opinion, with that?

Ford: I think part of the fear, let’s call it, because I do think a lot of projection comes from fear, is as you said, we know as humans because we have a frontal lobe, we have awareness and consciousness and metacognition, that the human experience is a limited experience. There’s a start date and there’s a shelf life, and there’s an end date.

We know our start date. Everyone generally knows their birth date, right, for the most part. But very few of us know our end date. And that’s, I guess, a good problem to have. And it comes down to the whole notion of we’ll live life like every day is your last. I don’t know if that’s feasible, I don’t know if that’s sustainable. But I do understand the premise of that.

And I think what it’s indicating is living in the present moment is the most important space to reside, because that’s truly all we have and we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. And yesterday has already passed. We can’t go back. And just like time, we can’t speed time up, we can’t slow time down, but we have full control of what’s happening in the moment because we have full control of our physiology.

And I think a lot of us, as humans, are uneducated. And what I mean by uneducated is we’ve been misinformed on how important it is to get in tune with our bodies. We’ve been told how to write with handwriting properly, we’ve been taught arithmetic, we’ve been taught how to read, and we’ve been taught science and all the basic principles of history, all great things.

But health science, human sciences, is lacking as a global education platform. And then we look around and wonder why obesity is becoming a pandemic. We wonder why physical inactivity. Wonder why the healthcare industry has become a disease care industry. We wonder if pharmaceuticals rule the world. Well, there’s a lack of education, and it’s a systematic problem that has become systemic.

And it’s quite shocking, it’s quite frightening. But if we’re able to take matter into our own hands, if we’re able to grab the wheel and recognize that what’s important now is in front of us and spend time daily. And it’s not very difficult. It’s keep as simple as possible. But again, it doesn’t mean it’s easy. And being patient with the process, as you mentioned at the outset of our conversation, it is a process from the first inhalation you take as you enter this human experience to the last exhalation that you process as you transition outside of the human experience. Those are your bookends. That is the human experience.

So being aware of that process, which it usually takes about 15 years to become aware. Right. If you think about the first five years, not too aware, the next five, you’re ten, you’re a kid. The next five, you’re 15. Okay, maybe I start to understand what day of the week it is. The next five. Okay, now I’m 20. Cool. Okay, now 25. Working class. Okay, now I’m 30, starting a family. Now I’m 35, 40, 50. Shit, I’m halfway to a century. Uhoh. Right. Midlife crisis, shock, culture shock. Awakening in the mirror. What day is it? How did I get these wrinkles? How did I lose this hair? How did I, how did I.

Oli: How did I. Yeah.

Ford: And before we know it, we’re 55-65-75-80…if we make it that long.

Ultimately, we’re all going to die, and we need to make the most of life.

What m was our life? What was our purpose? What was the experience that we had? Were we so inundated with titles and responsibilities and tasks that we forgot how to enjoy the process? And what I mean by process is the collective experience of being a human on this beautiful planet.

Oli: I was going to ask you for some final words of wisdom and to sum all this up, but I think in a way, you just kind of did. Like, ultimately, we’re all going to die, and we need to make the most of life. And only if you embrace that you don’t know when you’re going to die, are you going to be able to embrace the uncertainty and then actually start valuing your time enough to let go of all the bullshit, basically, and just focus on being present by being present in a way where you know that you could die tomorrow or even today, but that you might not.

And so even though time is limited and life is short, we don’t necessarily need to be, like, hedonistic or anything like that. We can actually just use the present moment to merge the past, present, and future, if that makes sense, by kind of navigating what arises in alignment with our vision.

But only if you know that you’re going to die, really, are you going to face and have the awareness to realize that that is coming. And that’s when you start asking some of these bigger questions, I guess, about the human condition and what it means to truly be human and to accept that humanity and then do something with it. So, yeah, sorry, I got lost there. I was just kind of dreaming in my own words…

Ford: Really good. And I think what’s so cool about it is that you mentioned be human. 8 billion. As we indicated in our conversation today, if you ask any of those individuals, what does it mean to be human? E

very single individual is going to have a different response in all the languages and all the cultures and all the regions of the world. What does it mean to be human? You will have 8 billion different answers. I think that’s the beauty, that’s the power of that word, is we know who we are, so let’s just be who we are.

Oli: Just be. Basically, that sums it all up. Do you have any actual final words of wisdom? Like if you were going to sum all this up, if that’s even possible, how would you do it? And, also, can you remind people of your website and where they can find you if they want to – I don’t know – have a coaching call or anything like that?

Ford: Absolutely. And again, Oli, I appreciate the platform, man, the microphone and the headphones. It’s always a cool opportunity to know different thought processes and experiences that I’ve had. Bouncing you as a mirror has been a lot of fun. So thank you again for having me on your show.

I think to sum this up is what we’ve said: Life is short and why not maximize the opportunity that we’ve been given? It’s a pretty special experience in my opinion. Maybe biased, but I do love the human experience. I’m quite obsessed with it, hence why I’ve gone so deep into this field. People can find me on my website. First name, last name F-O-R-D-D-Y-K-E. It’s forddyke.com.

Also on LinkedIn, of course, I’m an active user. Send me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Schedule a virtual coffee and just discuss potential collaboration opportunities. But Oli, thanks again, man. I really enjoyed this conversation today.

Oli: I appreciate it, Ford. The feeling is more than mutual. This has been like, awesome. So thank you so much. I’ll share all your links and stuff in the show notes, but yeah, thanks, it’s awesome.

Ford: Thank you, Oli.


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Creative Status: Episode 69: Nikki Senior: Evolving Beyond Old Roles & Relationships for REALNESS

Creative Status is a podcast about using creativity as a vehicle for improving your life by deconstructing ego, integrating the shadow self, and designing and manifesting a real life.

Every episode explores how the creative process can help you GROW REAL by moving towards wholeness in yourself by making the unconscious conscious.

Embark on a journey of self-discovery and transformation with Creative Status as we delve into the realm of evolving beyond old roles and relationships for REALNESS.

Join me (Oli Anderson) and Nikki Senior, a seasoned expert in personal growth, as we unravel the intricate dynamics of family systems, patterns, and the transformative power of foundational health habits.

Meet Nikki Senior: Nikki, a guiding force in personal growth, leads us through a personal exploration of family systems and their impact on our adult lives.

Drawing from her wealth of experience, she shares insights on transcending old roles and relationships to embrace authentic growth and realness.

Patterns of Origin: Nikki delves into the patterns ingrained in our family systems of origin, revealing how they can influence our behavior and hold us back in adulthood.

Discover the keys to raising awareness and breaking free from these patterns to embark on a journey of true self-discovery.

Transcending and Growing REAL: Nikki shares practical wisdom on how to cultivate awareness and implement foundational health habits, such as yoga and meditation, as powerful tools for breaking free from limiting patterns and embracing authenticity.

Creative Status: Where Authenticity Takes Center Stage

This episode invites you to implement foundational health habits, and embark on a journey towards authentic growth and realness.

If you’re seeking to transcend the patterns of the past and step into your true, evolving self, then this episode will show you that it’s probably less complicated than you might think to get started.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson

—————————–

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Show Transcript: Evolving Beyond Old Roles & Relationships for REALNESS

This podcast is about using the creative process to become more REAL.

Intro

Oli Anderson: Oh, hi there – Oli Anderson here. You’re listening to Creative Status. If you don’t know, this is a podcast about using the creative process as a vehicle for becoming more real. That basically means that you’re going with the flow of life instead of forcing life and making the unconscious conscious through your creative drives so that you can live a life that is aligned with your true values and intentions and that feels, I guess, more invigorating than the constant friction, frustration and misery that we get if we’re just forcing everything through ego. So that’s that.

If you don’t know as well… My name is Oli Anderson, like I said, a creative performance coach and author. Help people with all these kind of issues in their life and business.

Today’s episode of the show is an interview with Nikki Senior. Nikki is a coach as well and if I was going to sum up this conversation, I would just say that is a really good articulation and summary of why we can overcomplicate life sometimes but if we can bring it back to the basics and build structures and systems into our lives that allow us to just get in touch with ourselves with very simple things, yoga, meditation, all of those kind of things that just bring us back to our baseline being, basically, then we can inject that into our doing and go out into the world and take actions that are going to uncover our souls, so to speak, rather than cover them up with more fragmentation and confusion and all those things that the world likes to get us engaged with.

So, anyway, that was a very rambling introduction. Apologies for that. Nikki, thank you so much for your time. Everybody else, here’s the interview. Thank you so much. Boom.

Interview

Oli: Oh, hi there, Nikki. Thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode of creative status. This is going to be another one of the conversations that I’ve had on this show that could go in all kinds of different directions. I’ll probably go off on all kinds of tangents that are unrelated so apologies in advance…

But before we get into it all, do you feel like introducing yourself, telling people what you do, what you’re all about, and what you want to get out of this conversation that we’re about to have?

Nikki Senior: Hi, Oli Thank you very much for the welcome. Sure, I’m Nikki Senior. I am a mum of two. I’m a coach and trainer for the Mindspan group in England. And, yeah, I guess that’s all there is to know about me right now.

Oli: Okay. I love it. That’s short and sweet. To the point.

So, last time we had a conversation, you shared your story with me, or a little bit about your story, which is ultimately, if I can just dive right into it, that the last few years of your life had been quite challenging. you’d faced some, different trials and tribulations in business and all this kind of thing, and you kind of reached a turning point where it led you to all these kind of different philosophies about psychology and how the human psyche operates and things like that that led you down a path to get some coaching, and now you’re a coach yourself.

And ultimately, I suppose the story that you shared was about how, by understanding human beings and how human beings actually work to a deeper degree, you were able to kind of start putting yourself on a path towards healing, if you want to use that word.

So I’m throwing loads of information at you already, but how did that journey teach you, I guess, to be more human, if that’s a good way to say it, and to operate in the way that we’re designed to operate? That’s a big question to dive into.

Nikki: It is, yeah, I was struggling quite a lot in my business. I was under, quite a lot of pressure from, other people I was connected with through the business, and very much felt like I was under attack all the time. And it was a very difficult. And you’re kind of on the receiving end of lots of conflict and nasty accusations and stuff, and it’s not a very nice place to be. And as a person, I’m quite sensitive to that stuff anyway.

So from my perspective, I constantly just felt that kind of the bad vibes come in my way for want of the better, description. I think going through the kind of healing and the personal development work and really building my resilience. As you read about these topics and you do workshops and coaching and everything else, you begin to learn that people are viewing the world through a lens that’s been created through thousands and thousands of experiences and situations that have happened in their life.

And so if somebody’s accusing you and wrongly of something, or somebody has some bad feelings towards you, it’s not always necessarily about you and who you are. Quite often it’s about what they’ve experienced, and they’re just seeing you through that, like an assumption that you fit the model that they’ve kind of experienced before.

So I think from my perspective, in terms of how did that make me more human? I really stopped to think a little bit about, actually, it’s probably not very nice being in their mind, in terms of, if you’re constantly feeling like somebody’s out to get you or somebody’s doing you wrong, or you’ve got that assumption, actually, that’s quite a negative mindset to be in, and it’s quite challenging for those people as well. So I think I started to have more empathy, rather than just constantly feeling under attack and like I had to defend myself, I started to feel probably more empathy towards those people.

Oli: Wow. Okay. So I wasn’t expecting us to get straight into it to this extent, but I suppose what we’re talking about really is projection, right?

So it sounds like for whatever reason, you found yourself in some kind of a culture – I’m guessing it was kind of a corporate culture where it was maybe a bit…I’m making tons of assumptions, but it was like a dog eat dog kind of world – and because that culture was causing people to be unreal, i.e. inauthentic and kind of disconnected from themselves, there was some kind of a void within them – and the way that they were attempting to fill that void was passing their shame onto other people.

And it sounds like for whatever reason, you became, the vessel, I guess, within that culture that ended up taking on board a lot of this kind of projection. Is that a fair thing to say?

Nikki: Absolutely. The business was a franchise, and in a franchise model, you’re kind of legally connected to other business owners for a long period of time. So it’s a bit like being in a marriage, I guess, in some respects, it’s very hard to get out of it. I think when people are relying on you, it’s very easy to kind of go, “Oh, it’s all your fault. It’s your business model that’s the issue. It’s the things you’ve done for us or haven’t done for us that have caused these things”.

And, ultimately, if there was things going on in their life outside of it, you often felt that, from the communications you had with them.

Oli: Yeah. So ultimately, what we’re talking about, it seems, is the kind of shift that you went through in your relationship with yourself that caused you to be able to kind of protect yourself from other people trying to pass their stuff onto you. And I think this is something I see all the time.

Like if I look at society or just interpersonal relationships in general, a lot of the time all that’s going on is kind of, kind of dramatic games between people’s egos as they try and pass shame onto each other. And there’s just all these different blame games everywhere. And nobody really wants to take responsibility for their own stuff, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And if you’re not aware of that, you either end up, I suppose, falling into some role on the drama triangle where you’re either a victim, you’re the persecutor, or you’re trying to rescue someone who’s been a victim of all this stuff. And it’s all the same thing, people just trying to avoid their own shim.

Now, obviously I’m getting really deep into this and I’m making tons of assumptions, but is that the journey that you’ve been on, ultimately learning to kind of improve your relationship with your own inner stuff, your emotional stuff, your shame and guilt and trauma and all that kind of thing, so that you are more resilient, like you said.

But that resiliency is ultimately about just knowing how to, I guess, stay grounded and stay firm in yourself and not to let other people’s bullshit, pardon my French kind of infiltrate your experience of yourself and kind of shake you from your realness.

Nikki: Are you big brother? Have you had like a camera in our house or something? You literally just nailed it.

Oli: Yeah. There’s a lot of patterns that are just so common to human beings. That’s ultimately what the podcast is about. All my work is about figuring out those building blocks that make up the human experience. And if you understand them, and shame is a big one, you can actually reverse engineer what people have been through really quickly.

But anyway, if that is what you’ve been through, and I suppose the transformational journey you’ve taken yourself on is about stepping away from all that, what were the main lessons?

Let me make it simpler for you, I guess: How did you learn to improve your relationship with your own emotional stuff, shame, etc. so that you are, I, guess, more confident and less likely to be shaken by this external stuff. And then two, how did you allow that stronger foundation within yourself to allow you to have a better relationship with other people in the way that you talked about briefly, really early on, maybe before the recording?

Nikki: Yeah. So just going back slightly, you mentioned the drama triangle, and it’s really interesting because I do feel like I was definitely sat in the victim mentality. for anyone who’s not familiar with the drama triangle, like the pusher, the puller, the rescuer – I 100% was sat in the victim kind, of position there, and often fall into the rescuer, always going out and trying to help other people through issues. It’s kind of like a part of who I am.

But some people say that, and this is, I guess, a bit more on the spiritual side. But some people say our souls come here and there’s, like, a lesson that needs to be learned. And you keep reliving certain situations over and over again until the point that you learn the lesson. I, was in that victim situation, I guess, or mentality for such a long time from my stepdad, who was quite emotionally abusive, when I was a kid, all the way through to my husband’s ex-wife and, managers at work and various other people.

Until I eventually had this situation where suddenly it was like, you cut the head off one, and multiple others appeared, and suddenly there was, like, multiple people in that situation with me. And they were kind of like the, protagonist, I guess. And I was in that victim space. And it took me realizing that there is something either in my behaviour, my energy, there is something in me that is attracting that to me, and having to take some responsibility for that and think, actually, what lesson am I supposed to be learning that I haven’t yet learned so that I can begin to move forward with my life, so that I can kind of stop this cycle of having this role in my life all the time?

And that was probably really powerful for me. So forgiveness, I think, was the lesson I needed to learn, both for the people who I felt have been against me, I guess, or attacking, but also for myself, for any of the.

Obviously, we all have things that we dislike about ourselves, and it was just that forgiveness and self-acceptance that I needed to learn about me. So, hopefully I’ve now ended that whole drama cycle. But you never know.

So I’m sorry. I don’t think that answered your question. But I just wanted to go back to the drama triangle, because when you mentioned it, I was like, this is something that I really recognized in that situation.

Oli: It’s, really interesting what you said about victim mentality in general and, the roles that we end up playing. So I think that roles are one of the main reason that people become disconnected from themselves normally, like you’ve kind of said, it goes back to our family, unit, like the family that we originated from and the roles that we have to play within those systems in order to keep that system going in the way that it’s accustomed to moving and going and all that kind of stuff.

And when we become attached to the role, that’s when we kind of go into hiding, in the sense of we have to disown certain parts of ourselves, like I don’t know. Our strengths and our weaknesses and all kinds of things. And if we’re not aware, then when we get to adulthood, it’s exactly like you said. We’ve got these unconscious blocks because we’ve identified with the role rather than with our realness, with who we really are.

And those unconscious blocks end up just attracting the same situations over and over again or, putting us in the same relationship dynamics again and again and again. And only if we get some new insight, some new learning that’s going to allow us to transcend that role and the truth that, it kind of the relationship with the truth that we have because of that role that we filter everything through.

Only if we get to that point can we transcend the unconscious block and actually free ourselves. And it seems like that’s exactly what you’ve ended up doing, is stepping beyond those roles that you just got used to playing.

So I guess the question there is if that’s all true, because, again, I’m making a bunch of assumptions and you don’t mind. How do you think you ended up stepping into that role of the victim? And what were the benefits of identifying with it, like, in adulthood? Because I think a lot of the time, even though we know the roles are at some level, we know the roles are unhealthy because they keep bringing these, same patterns into our lives, attracting the same dysfunctional relationships, or wherever it is, we kind of fight to keep them in place because it stops us having to face the truth or something like that.

And the truth, initially – I always end up saying this on the podcast – “the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off and make you miserable” because you have to let go of your illusions. And so there’s something like that going on in the journey that you’ve been on, that you’ve shed. And I suppose as you became aware of it and transcended it, that’s when you became free to be able to be who you really are, which is kind of what you’re showing up as now, by the sound of it.

Nikki: Absolutely. So I would say as you kind of go through life, and certainly when you’re a child, obviously, you pick up, don’t you, other people’s opinions and, ways of living. And something that I talk about a lot with my clients is how your beliefs are, like, something you accept to be absolutely true or real, so you never question it.

Obviously, my mum was with my stepdad in the first place, and so a lot of her, she’s quite a powerful woman. and a lot of her beliefs I accepted to be true or real, so obviously took those on as my own. and one of the things I felt or I found very difficult, probably partly as a result of the situation, because it was quite an, argumentative place to grow up.

Obviously, with his personality, forgiveness for me was, like, not…I could kind of move on from things, but I would never forget if somebody had done me wrong so being able to forgive somebody like him who had caused a lot of trouble or actually even learned to be grateful for some of the benefits he brought into my life, that was huge. That was absolutely huge.

And now I can gladly say, hand on heart, people used to say to me that when I spoke about him, my face would change. Like, I’d be angry. You could see it. And I used to be like, yeah, I’d run him over if I saw him. All that angry teenage stuff.

Whereas now I genuinely can say if I saw him, I’d actually thank him for a lot of the good stuff he bought into my life, like teaching me how to manage money and various other things that I just couldn’t see before I 100% couldn’t see it.

So that inability to, really fully forgive somebody and actually be grateful for the things that they have craved in your life, even some of the worst situations that we have, generally when you look back, something good may have come from it – not all of them, obviously, but many of them.

And if you can start to kind of let go of the anger, if you’re freeing yourself, ultimately, you’re doing it for yourself, but let go of the anger, forgive yourself and forgive them and actually find some gratitude for some of the stuff you learned from it or you’ve taken from it afterwards. That was huge for me.

Oli: Wow. There’s two really interesting things that you can kind of elicit from what you just said. The first thing that I never thought of before, but which is really powerful, is a lot of the time when we resist forgiveness, it’s because we’re fighting to keep the roles that we identify with in place.

So a lot of the time, something’s happened in the past, normally, like, in our childhood, whatever it is, and somebody has done something to us that’s caused us to play the victim or to try and be a big hero or whatever it is. And that whole role becomes the filter for our whole relationship with life.

And we need that to stay in place so we don’t have to face all of our underlying emotional stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah. Like I said, the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off and make you miserable. And so, even though, we probably do know at some level that if we can forgive and move on, we’ll have a lot more freedom, we don’t want to forgive because holding on to that resentment actually keeps the role in place, because the role is unreal. It’s just a survival mechanism. And so if we can step into forgiveness, then we step into acceptance.

Forgiveness is acceptance and acceptance is about accepting the reality

And that brings us to the second point, based on what you just said, which is that acceptance and forgiveness are the same thing. I think the previous episode of the podcast before this was about forgiveness, and we said the same thing.

But anyway, forgiveness is acceptance, and acceptance is about accepting the reality. And when we get into accepting reality, it’s about stepping beyond duality and judgment. And so it’s not about somebody being totally good or totally bad, but about accepting that human beings are both. We’re light and dark, we’re shades of grey, however you want to say it.

And so even the worst people in our lives, probably there is some good stuff that has come from that relationship. There is a diamond within the huge pile of shit, and if we can just put our hand in there, we can find that diamond, and we can use that to move forward and keep growing and keep expanding and keep evolving in the way that we need to. And I am saying a lot, I apologise.

I’ve had a lot of coffee… I always do before these podcasts. But how, based on all that, then do we learn to forgive in the way that you’re talking about so that we can be more real and so that we can, I guess, step away from these roles that we’ve just become attached to because of resentment that we’re holding onto and probably don’t even know that we are holding onto it in many cases.

Nikki: So, for me, I was, reading a book, actually, and it was talking about the power of forgiveness. And it was saying, get a photograph of the person, if you can, and really kind of focus on them whilst kind of saying this. I think they called it The Forgiveness Prayer. I’m not religious but, yeah – so it was almost saying, like, “Essentially, I forgive you. Thank you, I love you, and I’m sorry.”

And I remember looking at, well, I didn’t have a picture of my stepdad, but I was like, closed my eyes, visualized him and tried to do this. And I thought, this does not feel good. I do not forgive him. I do not love him. And I’m not sorry.

But then I kind of added bits on the end of it – so it was like, “I forgive you for the hurt that you caused. Thank you for all the lessons that you taught me that were good. I love you because I love every soul on this planet because it’s all connected. And I’m sorry for anything I did that might have made the situation any worse.”

And so that kind of felt a bit less like I was doing something nice for him. Read into that what you will and kind of just enabled myself to learn to let it go and to really focus on, I think, as well. The fact that, again, considering the fact that we all have all these stories and beliefs and everything that go on in our head and we’ve all got our childhood, we’ve come from.

Every person you meet has this whole web of stuff behind them that you’re never going to know or understand fully. And generally we’re all here turning up, doing the best we can with the information and the stuff that we have.

Essentially that’s what he was doing.He was fearful of losing my mum, for example. Fearful that, if I was there, it meant he got less love. So, she might leave him or whatever. From his perspective, it was all coming from a place of fear. And when you start to understand that, it’s like, well, actually, does that make you a bad person or were you just holding on with everything you had and just behaving almost unconsciously and just kind of going through life in the best way you knew how?

And actually that probably was what he was doing. Yeah, it’s a difficult one and obviously it’s very complex in relationships, isn’t it? Especially in some certain situations. But for me, just trying to understand that he was turning up and doing the best he knew how and when I really looked at it objectively, there were some really good things that he brought to my life as well.

So it was trying to kind of focus in on those and, create that forgiveness and I guess almost do like forgiveness affirmations. I don’t like the word prayer. do like forgiveness affirmations around that to kind of get that into my subconscious as well.

Oli:  I suppose it all comes down to that thing. There’s like a saying, “hurt people, hurt people.”

And if you understand that, it does make it so much easier to have empathy and to just step back from all of this just emotional stuff. And the kind of projection that we were talking about at the start of the conversation, it just pollutes society, it’s all over the place. But it’s not because anyone’s to blame. It’s because they’re in pain. And if you understand that, then you can take your own pain out of the equation, I guess by having a stronger relationship with yourself, by just letting go in the way that you said.

So I guess the question now is how did…you’ve kind of alluded to it, but you’ve been through this process of kind of waking up and looking at yourself and stepping back from the roles you were playing and learning to forgive and kind of dissolving some of that core trauma or whatever you want to call it. And now you’re more resilient and your mindset’s changed, do you find that this kind of thing just slides off you like water off a duck’s back now or do you still kind of have some little niggles?

 If you found yourself in the same situation that you were in that you mentioned at the start of the conversation, where you, were working in the franchise and people were breathing down your neck and I guess chasing you for results and blaming you if you didn’t get them or whatever it was, how would you respond to that stuff now?

Nikki: that’s a difficult one. Hopefully I wouldn’t have to now. No. So I think probably less emotionally. Something I learned through that process was actually if you feel emotional or triggered when someone sends you a message or an email, just do not, like, you can acknowledge it by all means, but do not reply to it for 24 hours and go back and read it when you’re feeling calmer.

Because often you can read something and presume it’s got bad intent to it and it’s sometimes not that bad when you actually go back to it with a straight head but I think definitely less emotionally. I would have given a lot less of myself and, I think I was constantly trying to prove, like, the more criticism I got, the more I would try and fulfil what I thought their expectations were.

And actually that didn’t help. It just perpetuated the problem, made it far worse. So I think really just having that faith in myself and just saying, “Actually no, this is what I’ve agreed to give and this is what I’m going to do and that’s that”.

And yeah, hopefully not allow it to get to the point it did. I possibly would have walked away a bit sooner. but that’s in hindsight, isn’t it? But I think you alluded to this yourself. The relationship with yourself is really important. And when your confidence gets hit and when you don’t feel like you’re good enough, or you’re enough for whatever the situation is, you really do have to go back to actually starting to build a relationship with yourself and having that kind of confidence and self-belief, that is a massive core of it to me.

Oli: Yeah, I think that is the foundation of everything. If you don’t have an unconditional self-acceptance, which sounds like crazy to some people because they’re so used to judging themselves and stuff, but if you don’t learn to accept yourself, no matter what, then you’re going to get in trouble, basically, because the opposite of accepting yourself is judging yourself.

Judging perpetuates the shame and the trauma and the guilt and all that kind of thing. And, it just causes you to create this, fragmented version of yourself that you put out into the world to try and hide from that shame which gets you in all these kind of situations that you’re talking about. And I suppose what we’re really talking about is boundaries.

Like, in a way, what you’ve learned by going through this process is to value yourself and then to set and maintain boundaries that protect that value that you now have. And if you can do that, then obviously that’s going to allow you to have better relationships with other people. But it’s also going to allow you to get better results in life, because you’re going to be able to move forward in the way that you want to without letting all of these interpersonal dramas shake you from yourself and cause you to doubt yourself and all that kind of thing.

So if that is true, what have you learned about the boundaries thing in relation to, I guess, just moving forward in the way that you want to? Because I suppose it sounds like as well, you’ve been through this process of looking at your own stuff and how you showed up in relationships and how you could have had more self-worth and then had these boundaries that we’re talking about. But you’re using that resilience. You’ve now got to focus on, I guess, serving people more and contributing more to the world and showing up in a more real way and all that kind of thing. How is that all linked based on what you’ve learned?

Nikki: I think, always making decisions that are in alignment with your core values and actually knowing what those values are is absolutely paramount. And, yeah, I think that’s kind of the key one for me and also trusting your gut feeling, because there were – I’ve said this a million times in my career – I used to do recruitment and I was always like, if you have a bad gut feeling about somebody, do not take them on.

And I ignored that a couple of times in my franchise and I live to tell the tale. So, yeah, I think trusting your gut feeling is a really important one.

The best thing you can do for your life is learn to trust yourself

Oli: Yeah, you’ve opened up a can of worms now because “trust” is one of my favourite words. I always say this, but nearly every episode of this podcast eventually boils down to that.

The best thing you can do for your life, I truly believe now, is learn to trust yourself and learn to trust life. And if you’ve been driven by shame and all these unsavoury emotions that we’ve been talking about, you find that really, really hard to do because you start relying on your head and your conditioning and your desire to control and force life according to that conditioning, rather than just trusting the higher part of yourself, if you want to use that word.

And if you don’t trust yourself, that’s when you start outsourcing that trust to other people. And you get in all these kind of situations that we’ve been talking about. So how has this work you’ve been doing helped you to do that? How have you learned to trust yourself more, but also, by extension, to trust life more?

Nikki: I think one of the main tools I used, was meditation. for me, especially when you’re stressed, if anyone listening to this is in that conflict situation and it’s getting to you or upsetting you, it’s likely that your brain is not turning off much from it – you’re constantly in this cycle of how can I fix things, or there’s this problem, or perhaps even practicing the argument in your head that you’re going to have, or that you might have had. I was a nightmare for that.

So for me, having, a bit of space, doing yoga, doing meditation, really kind of just helped me to quieten what was going on. And it sounds so cheesy, but just to connect back to myself, I hear people saying that all the time, and when you actually get it, it’s like, “Oh my God, this is amazing”.

But it’s just having that space for you. And recently I hadn’t meditated for a while and I did a meditation for like half an hour and it just felt so like, it felt like going home. It was amazing.

And I just thought this is what pulled me through, and also, again, I talk about this a lot, in my job now, but we have so many thoughts going through our heads and when you’re stressed about something, it can be so noisy, and it’s like a freight train with writing down the side that’s just going through your head and you’re just sat there reading every single word. Stop reading – those thoughts are not all true.

And so affirmations again, I felt that they were really icky before. but when I started actually doing affirmations and when that freight train would start, I’d just go, right, stop. Do you know what? I love and accept myself completely. It was a thing I read in Louise Hayes book and it was just the first thing that came into my head one day.

So every time that a freight train would start, I’d just go, stop. I love and accept myself completely, and I would just keep repeating that until I moved on to some of the thoughts and forgot I was doing it. And it really just helped me just to kind of calm things down a bit so I could think a bit more clearly about what was happening.

Yoga and meditation return us to who we really are

Oli: Yeah, you’ve used another one of my favourite words, which is “yoga”. What you just said is it’s all 100% true, and it’s one of those things, what you said about home, like basically returning home to that feeling of just being you.

Ultimately, what we’re talking about is going from, it’s a cliché thing, both not being a human doing and being a human being. And most of us are running around following the promptings of that freight train and the thoughts that it gives us about what we should be doing. That just causes us to false life, and we end up distracting ourselves from our being. And then really simple things like yoga and meditation and climbing a mountain or something, they just return us to who we really are.

And it kind of does sound cheesy because it’s a cliché. I’m one of these people. I’m always going around telling people to do yoga and meditate and get in touch with themselves. And if you haven’t experienced that, it sounds too simple, like, “Okay, I’m just going to do yoga and then I’m going to be in touch with myself, and then all my problems are going to be solved.”

But actually, it is that simple if you consistently experience that feeling of being real, which just means, I think, that we’re connected to life, we’re connected to ourselves, and we taste wholeness and the flow of wholeness, and we put ourselves back in the process of expanding towards more wholeness.

In the simplest possible terms, if we can do that consistently, we’re grounded in our real being. And then all of the decisions that we make about what we’re doing with our life are, connected to that same place as well. And it’s only if we do that can we take inspired action instead of just doing things to appease our ego and our freight train and to distract ourselves from life instead of living life.

And another word that I love – I’m throwing out all my favourite words today – is “dissolution”. Because when you meditate or when you do yoga and you get to the end of the yoga flow and you’re in shavasana or something, then you get this feeling of dissolution, or that’s what I get anyway. And all that means is that that freight train and my identity that rests upon it, it all kinds of melts away, and you’re just there in the moment, and that is all we really need, because that is who we are.

And when you’re in that moment, you don’t have any judgments holding you back. You just accept yourself, and it goes back to this affirmation that you were sharing. I can’t remember what it was. Sorry. But I accept, and I love myself completely. Or whatever you said in that moment, those moments, that’s the only thing you can do.

And if you understand that, then all of this stuff we’re talking about, about the drama triangle and the roles that we play, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it dissolves and it melts away, and then we have a better foundation for living a real life. So I don’t really have a question, but what do you think about everything I just ranted about?

Nikki: Yeah, 100% agree, I think. something I said to my yoga instructor the other night, actually, is, you know, when you spill a drink and you go and get a towel and you go and soak it up, and then you ring the towel out and all the water comes out?

That is how I feel when I’ve been for a yoga session. I feel like a towel that’s emotionally and energetically been wrung out. It just takes all the toxicity and. Sorry. Say that very well. Takes the toxicity, takes all the junk and just squeezes it out of you and you come out and you just feel like you feel Zen. That’s the only way to describe it.

Oli: I’m actually, astounded right now, because, believe it or not, before we started recording the podcast, I spilled a cup of tea all over the place, and I actually have a mangy towel on the floor next to me that needs wringing up. So this is, some kind of synchronicity taking place right now.

Nikki: It certainly is.

Oli: So most people are kind of running around and they’re adding tension to their lives because of all the, pressure that they’re putting on themselves to kind of follow that freight train or to catch up with that freight train. It’s like they’re running after the freight train constantly and living like that.

It just adds tension. And we all need a good wringing out, I guess. And if we can get that ringing out, then we’re going to find this foundation to be able to build our lives. But is that the final step, do you think? Or is it like most of us, if we’re in that, high tension, high stress state and we’re running around like headless chicken, we need to go through the process of basically ringing ourselves out. But then what do we do after that? If there is a next step, where do we go from there?

Nikki: So I’d say two things that just prompted for me. The first one is if you don’t listen when something’s not quite right in your life, then the universe, or your subconscious, or whatever you want to call it, will keep tapping and tapping and tapping and getting louder and louder and louder until eventually you take note.

And whether that’s a physical illness, whether that’s a group of people giving you a load of grief like me, whatever that is, eventually it will get so loud you cannot ignore it. So try and listen a bit earlier. It would be my advice, so you don’t have to go through the, massive breakdown. the second thing I would say is that I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie Shrek.

Oli: Yep. Long time ago.

Nikki: You have. So I don’t know if you remember, but when he’s talking to donkey about, ogres, and he said, ogres are like onions, they have layers. And for me, your personal development, it’s a bit of a weird analogy, I know, but for me, your personal development journey is a bit like peeling an onion.

 Like, you take a layer off and you’re like, oh, I feel good now. It’s all nice and fresh and new and you feel like maybe I’m there now maybe I’m good. There’s always another layer. It’s like an infinitely peeling onion.

So I think as you get to that next stage, once you’ve rung the towel out, then you will get another knock from the universe, your subconscious, whatever else, and that will show you the next thing that you need to work on.

But the process gets far more enjoyable, in my experience, as you go along. Once you’re aware of it, and you can start to recognize those things and those knocks. You do start to deal with it sooner. And, yeah, it just becomes a bit of a game that you play with the universe. Rather than always feeling like it’s kind of happening to you, you can co create.

Oli: Yeah, that’s amazing.

The journey of life is going from fragmentation to wholeness

There’s always another layer of the onion, because we’re talking about wholeness, basically, right. The journey, as I see it, as I’ve said 3 billion times now on the podcast, is we’re going from fragmentation to wholeness.

So something happens in our childhood, like I said, it causes to become disconnected from who we really are. We create a fragmented identity, and then we basically spend the rest of our lives trying to return to wholeness. But because wholeness is just this connection to everything else, we can always go deeper.

And that’s why there’s always another layer of the onion. Because basically what we’re dealing with as we peel these layers away is, our perceptions and our interpretations. And because we’re human beings, we’re fragmented creatures in fragmented bodies, we’re always going to have that, I suppose, veil to some extent between us and pure wholeness. But thankfully, we eventually die and we just become connected to everything. And that’s wonderful.

But, yeah, there’s always another layer to peel with. The thing you said about, if you don’t listen to your unconscious mind, or the universe, or God, or whatever word people want to use, eventually you’re going to have no choice but to listen, because it’s going to scream in your face. There’s going to be some kind of an incident that takes place in your life, or you might get ill, or whatever it is, something’s going to happen that’s going to cause you to face the truth that you’ve been avoiding.

What are the subtle whispers? Or how do we know when life is whispering to us so we don’t have to have it shout in our face? What are some of the signs it might be giving us, if that makes sense.

Nikki: I think, for me, I knew that I wanted to do something purposeful. And, I went from different job to different job, changed industries, changed careers, always kind of looking for, what is this thing? I want to help people. I want to do something useful. I don’t know what that is. And I would get a manager that might be really nasty, or, maybe I wasn’t very good at one thing, or a boyfriend had dumped me, so I’d bugger off to Grand Canaria for six months. Whatever happened.

But I think the bit where I started to notice the knocking was, when things started going wrong in my business, really, and financially, the business was fine from an external perspective, it looked great. Internally, there was a lot of stuff going on between me and these other, people. Had I felt that I was able to just go, do you know what?

I’m going, and I’m going to get rid of this business and go on and do something else, then I would have done. I think the knocks got louder because I didn’t really connect to myself. I didn’t go and do the meditation; I didn’t go and do the yoga until I actually needed those things to help me cope. Had I done those things earlier when I knew things weren’t quite right, perhaps I would have had a bit of an insight to what I wanted to go and do next. But, for me, I didn’t kind of find that stuff until a bit later.

Oli: That’s an amazing point that you just raised. Like most people, they need to flip the script, and so they plod through life feeling, I guess, the void that you talked about. They need more purpose, or they’ve got a restless feeling or an itch for something. They feel that and they think it’s normal, but actually they only feel that because they’re disconnected from themselves.

It’s a distancing from the truth, ultimately. And when things do get too bad, that is when they turn to yoga and meditation and spirituality and whatever to try and solve the problem. But actually, if they do it the other way around and do yoga and so on and so forth as just a default, then they won’t need to fill the void, if that makes sense.

Most people only turn to those things when there’s a need, but actually, if you don’t turn to it, you just use it because it’s going to reconnect you to who you are. Then a lot of this stuff that comes from needing to fill the void, like the quest for purpose and all that kind of stuff, is going to dissipate, it’s going to dissolve. And, I don’t know, that’s something that’s really helped me. It’s just so powerful.

So this has been a very rambling conversation. I have to be honest. This is the first one I’ve recorded in 2024, and I think I forgot how to do podcasts professionally. But I think we covered a lot of good stuff and I appreciate everything that you said. If it’s possible to sum up this conversation, how would you do it?

 Have you got any final words of wisdom for the audience? What’s the main takeaway from all this stuff that I’ve just rambled about and that you’ve, shared your insight around?

Nikki: I think exactly what you just said, actually – I really got goosebumps when you said it was instead of waiting until there’s something to fix, why don’t we start and go the other way around and actually start doing the meditation and all that stuff?

Certainly when we’re younger, we live a party kind of lifestyle, and lots of young people are not doing that. Now, since COVID there’s a lot of kids now who don’t want to drink, don’t want to smoke, all the stuff that we did, probably. I don’t know how old you are, but certainly I did…and so there’s a lot of kids now who are kind of taking that healthy lifestyle.

Well, if you’re doing that or even if you’re not, perhaps you could start to look at trying a bit of meditation. There’s, like, a million videos on YouTube that do guided meditations, and some of them are amazing.

So I would say, yeah, absolutely. Starting from, when things are okay, actually creating that relationship with yourself, it just gives you the resilience. It just helps you. I think my key takeaway to date, generally in life, is we’re always trying to get the next thing, aren’t we?

You get a good job, and it’s like, right, I want to get to the pay rise. I want to get to this; I want to get to that. I want the bigger house, the nicer car. I need to find a partner, I need to have a family, blah, blah, blah, all the way through. And I think it’s very easy to always be focused on the thing you’re trying to work towards.

But coming from a quite old, now – 41 – try and enjoy the journey a bit. Have those goals, try and work towards them. And I would never discourage somebody from that. But actually, rather than stressing about that all the time, just try and be a bit present and enjoy the journey on the way. And the meditation and the yoga and everything else would help with that.

Oli: Yeah, start with the being and then put that into your doing, basically, not the doing to hide from a disconnection from your being or something.

And for, the record, I’m 41 as well, so we’re not that old. I think there’s a few more years left in us, hopefully – where can people find you if they want to work with you or have a conversation or something? Have you got a website or something?

Nikki: I do, yeah. My website is nikkisenior.co.uk and I’m on Instagram and Facebook as NSPerformanceCoach.

Oli: Brilliant. So I’ll share that in the show notes. But, Nikki, thank you so much for this. I’m going to go ring out that towel and, I just appreciate everything you’ve shared. So thanks a bunch.

Nikki: Thank you so much for having me, Oli I’ve really loved it.


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Creative Status: Episode 68: Barbara J Hunt: Forgiveness Made Easy

Creative Status is a podcast about using creativity as a vehicle for improving your life by deconstructing ego, integrating the shadow self, and designing and manifesting a real life.

Every episode explores how the creative process can help you GROW REAL by moving towards wholeness in yourself by making the unconscious conscious.

Embark on a transformative episode of Creative Status as we explore the profound power of forgiveness with the Barbara J Hunt.

A forgiveness specialist, speaker, and bestselling author of “Forgiveness Made Easy,” Barbara brings over 30 years of experience in personal and spiritual development to the forefront.

Join us for a conversation that delves into forgiveness as a catalyst for growth, authenticity, and alignment with truth.

Meet Barbara J Hunt: Discover the wealth of Barbara’s expertise as a mentor, coach, and group facilitator.

Renowned for her bestselling book, Barbara leads online “Forgiveness Field” workshops and courses on mental and emotional wellbeing, fostering healing and transformation.

Forgiveness as a Path to Realness: Barbara shares insights into the transformative journey of forgiveness, unraveling its profound impact on personal growth and alignment with truth.

Explore how forgiveness can be a dynamic force in our lives, paving the way for authenticity and a deeper connection to our true selves.

Creative Status: Where Forgiveness Ignites Authentic Growth

Join Barbara J Hunt and Oli Anderson for an episode that explores the transformative power of forgiveness.

Tune in to navigate the intricate terrain of personal and spiritual development, unlocking the secrets to authentic growth and alignment with truth.

This episode is an invitation to embrace forgiveness as a potent force on the path to becoming more REAL.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson

—————————–

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Show Transcript: Forgiveness Made Easy (for REALNESS)

This podcast is about cultivating acceptance and growing REAL by using the creative process.

Intro

Oli Anderson: Oh, hi there. Oli Anderson here you’re listening to Creative Status. This is a podcast about tuning into your realness, i.e. cultivating a deep, unconditional acceptance for yourself and life and using the creative process as a vehicle for unblocking anything that may be getting in the way of you doing that. today’s episode is an interview about forgiveness. It’s with Barbara J Hunt.

She’s the author of the best-selling book Forgiveness Made Easy, and she also does loads of workshops and stuff like that around helping people to let go of resentment and to move towards acceptance and to forgive people.

This is all really very relevant to stuff that we talk about on the podcast, because ultimately, the only way that you can become real is to cultivate acceptance, because the only thing that you can accept, really, at the end of the day, is reality or the truth. And so if you’re holding on to resentment and you’re not forgiving, then you’re going to have some inner friction, frustration, and misery – and so forgiveness is a super powerful shortcut to releasing a lot of that tension.

This is a really cool interview. There’s lots of good stuff. I must be honest and say that when I was recording it, I had quite a severe case of manful so I may come across as having a bit more brain fog and mental torpor than usual, or maybe not.

Either way, Barbara smashed it – there’s some amazing stuff in here about letting go of resentment and, moving towards acceptance….Won’t say too much, but Barbara, thank you so much for your time and for coming on the podcast. Everybody else, hope this helps you. It’s, a really important topic. Here we go. Boom.

Interview

Oli: Oh, hi there, Barbara. Thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode of Creative Status.

We’re going to be talking about a super important topic that I’ve wanted to do an episode about for a long time, which is forgiveness. That’s your whole thing. You train people to be more forgiving and tell them understand the philosophical, psychological, spiritual implications of being able to do that. Before we get into it, do you feel like introducing yourself, telling people how you ended up doing this kind of work, and also sharing what you want to get out of this conversation that we’re about to dive into?

Barbara J Hunt: Sure. Thanks, Oli. Thank you for inviting me. Yeah, so it’s a bit of a weird thing to get into, actually, forgiveness and it’s almost like, it feels like my calling is to spread the happy word around forgiveness. And I’ve been interested in personal and spiritual development since I was about 15. So for a really long time, and I’ve been curious about effective tools, things that actually work.

So besides all the things like talking therapies and physical body work, somatic therapies, all that sort of thing, and keeping healthy and, well, I’ve been really interested in mental and emotional well-being, and particularly, forgiveness, because it just seems to have the most potency, and we’re already aware of mindfulness, and there’s quite a lot of information about meditation and the benefits of that. And, my vision is that forgiveness will become the next big thing out there.

I’d love to just explore it a bit more, because what I find generally is when I talk to people about forgiveness, the comment that I get most often is, “Oh, I never thought about it like that before.”

So I’m hoping that, you and I can sort of dive deep into the nuances of forgiveness, what it is and what it isn’t and why it matters, and sort of the broader picture, not just why it matters for us individually and for our personal relationships, but in the bigger context, because, oh, my goodness, there’s a big context that needs a bit of help.

Oli: Yeah. Wow. Okay, so let’s just dive right into it.

What do you mean when you say that there’s so much potency in forgiveness?

What do you mean when you say that there’s so much potency when it comes to forgiveness? Because I agree with you:

What I’ve seen when I’m working with people, if they can start working on forgiving themselves and then forgiving others, by extension, is that it just, unblocks so many powerful areas and strengths within that person that they didn’t even know was there.

But what is it, from your point of view, that makes it so potent?

Barbara: It’s really true. I used to work on a retreat for seven years, I worked on a detox retreat. And, I used to think of forgiveness as colonics for the soul, because we were doing colonics for people and they were fasting as well, and we would do deep emotional work -and around forgiveness in particular.

Should we start with the definition of forgiveness that I use? Because that can really help to clarify what we really mean about forgiveness, what it is and what it isn’t. Because I think that in and of itself is sometimes where even before we’re having a conversation about forgiveness, people have switched off because they’re thinking, well, I’m never going to forgive them.

It’s like, you can talk all you like, lady, but I’m not, forgiveness. So this definition comes from one of my first teachers about forgiveness, a guy called K. Bradford. Brown and he created something called the Mortal Life Program. And, they’re still going; they’re still teaching their work. And this is excellent. And he says that forgiveness is the absolute refusal to hold ill will against someone for what they did or didn’t do.

So I’ll say it again, because it’s quite long. Forgiveness is the absolute refusal to hold ill will. So that could be a grudge, a gripe, a grievance, hate, anger against someone for something that they did or didn’t do. And I really love it because it’s very specific and it turns the emphasis away from the thing that happened or the thing that the person did to your absolute refusal to not hate the person for doing it or for not carrying the ill will. So I don’t know if you want to reflect back on that.

Oli: I think another powerful thing about that definition is that it includes what they didn’t do. And I think a lot of the time, the reason that we get so worked up and that we hold grudges in the first place is because we have some m expectation about how other people are supposed to be in the world, how they’re supposed to show up in our lives, how they’re supposed to do things for us that they can’t do.

And, for me, I think that is a big part of the problem, clinging on to those unreal interpretations of people that block us from truly accepting them and seeing them as they truly are in reality. And, it sounds like, if I’ve understood it properly, this definition is just about stepping back from all that stuff so that you’re getting a more solid foundation for seeing clearly something like that.

Barbara: Absolutely. And you’re bang on in terms of our expectations, that saying about today’s expectations are tomorrow’s resentments. Because we have scripts, we want people to know automatically what we’re thinking and feeling and how they should be treating us. And sometimes we tell them, sometimes we don’t, but we still expect them to know. And it’s always that the very big theme is “if you were different, I’d be happy”.

So if you were doing the things or not doing the things, then I’d be happy. And so kind of good luck with that, as in everybody else is doing their own thing. So the only chess piece that we have any control over is ourselves. And that’s we are the ones who need to be taking charge of what do I choose, keep in my heart.

Because the other thing, just very broadly about holding onto a resentment is that it’s kind of a waste of your time and energy, because it doesn’t change anything. The thing has still happened. The person has still done the thing or not done the thing. It’s just, do you choose to keep holding onto it forever, or for however long you want to hold onto it?

Because it doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t matter how hard you resent somebody. I could kind of go, okay, I’m going to resent them really, really hard, especially on Saturdays. It doesn’t make any difference. So then you have to start unpacking. Why do we do it? Why do we prefer to hold on to our resentments than to let them go? And that’s where it gets very interesting.

Forgiveness stops you from holding on to the unreal. And that includes the reality of ourselves and others.

Oli: I think this is where it comes back to the main theme of this podcast, which is, if we simplify life, we’ve either been real or we’ve been unreal. And when we’ve been real, we always have that foundation of acceptance that we’re kind of alluding to. Because the only thing you can really do with reality is accept it. And that includes the reality of ourselves and the reality of other people.

And I think one reason, if not the reason, that forgiveness is such a powerful, powerful thing, is that it stops you from holding on to the unreal. And ultimately, the unreal, I think, is always some ego identity thing that we’ve attached to and then projected out into the world and onto life itself and onto other people, so that we can avoid our own emotional stuff.

And a lot of the time when we’re resentful of people because of our expectations and all the stuff that we were saying, we’re actually fighting to hold on to the illusions that are making us miserable in the first place. And so there’s a kind of effect, I think, from forgiving ourselves and others that allows that whole unreal structure that we’ve built our lives around to just fall down like, a house of cards. And it really is very simple.

It’s just, if you can train yourself, which we’re going to get onto, train yourself to forgive, what you’re actually doing is training yourself to go from a state of non-acceptance to acceptance, and from unreal to real. And then when you’ve got that real foundation, that’s when you can start moving towards wholeness and bring more creativity and joy and all these other amazing things into your life. And so I really think if someone’s struggling, forgiveness is a shortcut to getting themselves back on track, if that makes sense.

Barbara: Yeah, right on. And it’s so potent because it’s the master art of letting go. And if you think about all the other spiritual practices that are out there, like meditation that is a kind of letting go. And death of the ego and forgiveness is the same, but it’s harder because it involves other people.

So I think of it as like the master spiritual practice. But you don’t have to be spiritual to practice it. And that’s another important thing that my, invitation to people is to see it as a mental and emotional health practice. You don’t have to have a faith or a belief about it. You just have to realize what a potent thing it is to be able to do – because ultimately it is about inner mastery. And that’s what you’re talking about.

It’s like being able to see through the illusions of our fabrication about how we think life should be to how it actually is. And one of the major reasons why I think we struggle so hard with forgiving somebody is because we don’t want to feel the grief of what we’ve lost or what was betrayed. And we don’t even talk about that.

We just talk about who’s right and how we’re justified in getting revenge or justice. We don’t go. Actually, what’s underneath here is the painful reality that you’re talking about is sometimes life is really, really kind of, hard to bear. We’re vulnerable and we don’t want to admit it. So having a resentment gives us the illusion of some kind of power or strength.

Oli: The illusions thing is the main problem, I think I always say “the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off and it will make you miserable”. And the reason for that is not because the truth can hurt us in any way. Actually, when we’re talking about letting go, all you can let go of is your illusions – because the only thing you can hold on to is the truth or the real stuff. That never goes anywhere.

And if we’re in a situation where we’re holding a resentment or we’re just resisting life or distorting life because of our resistance, to it, the thing that causes us pain in the way that we’re talking about is trying to hold onto those illusions. Whilst reality is just showing us something else. And I think in relation to forgiveness, that, like you said, is the main reason that forgiveness is so difficult.

Because actually we need our illusions in the short term, to hide from the uncomfortable truth that people aren’t black and white, they’re not good or bad. They’re real. That life isn’t always going to be easy. There’s a lot of uncomfortable things you have to grow through, and blah, blah, blah.

All of those things are really valuable in the long term. But in the short term, when we’re going through it, we try and resist acceptance, which means seeing people as they truly are, which means that we might as well forgive them. And so we get caught up in these kind of ego traps and this kind of state that we’re talking about of non-forgiveness, that just holds us back from the truth, ultimately.

So, if that is how you see it as well, how do we train ourselves to forgive in this way that you’re talking about, where we can face the truth, head on about ourselves and others, and start, I guess, tapping into this power that can be unleashed through forgiveness, which really is just a return to reality, I would say.

Barbara: Yeah, I agree, but it’s a hard return to reality. It’s like giving up an addiction. When you give something up, you haven’t really got anything to show for it. It’s an inner, posture. And what you have is relief or release or freedom, but they’re not. I think we find it hard when we can’t imagine things. And if you ever look up, well, I have looked up images of forgiveness on the Internet.

You get like a pair of hands or some stones with forgiveness written on them or a feather, but we don’t really have an image of it either. So it’s hard for us to understand what is it that we’re trying to not do and I don’t usually talk about unforgiveness. I talk about resentment because when we say, unforgiveness, that’s just like a euphemism for I’m not going to forgive you – as in, I resent you.

And one of the first things we need to do in order to train ourselves to have more of a forgiving attitude in general, is to notice when we’re holding on to our resentments. And that, like any other spiritual practice, means that you have to be really honest with yourself and to notice, what does it feel like when I’m doing that?

And it was funny, actually, I was just noticing today there’s, a kind of a group that I belong to, and there’s one person’s name in there. And I’m thinking, you know what? I’m not completely clean. When I scan through that list, I’ve got something. So she’s going on my forgiveness list. And so I will do my practice, my forgiveness practice. So that’s, again, I teach it like, a practice is something that you do a bit like a yoga practice, or you go to the hygienist every now and then, or you take the bins out every now and then.

 It’s like it’s the work of your heart. You do a little bit of cleansing work on your heart. Since I did that mortal life program many years ago, I’ve kept a list in the back of my journal. And when I’m thinking, oh, actually, I need to do some forgiveness work on that person. Or sometimes it can be a global thing or one of the big players in the world, a decision maker that I don’t agree with.

I do my forgiveness work on those people because I notice myself resenting them. And that doesn’t change anything. They don’t even know I’m resenting them. And so it’s not affecting the world or changing anything. All it’s doing is just making stress in my body. So I would say the first thing that in order to train ourselves to be more aware of what we need to forgive is to, admit to ourselves, our shadow, that we are holding a resentment – judging that person. I’m making them wrong.

I think I’m superior to them, or that what they’ve done is they shouldn’t have done it. And I’ve got a story. And so as soon as you notice, you have to notice first. Then you can start doing the work of undoing it.

Oli: So if we’re going to reverse engineer resentment, what kind of symptoms might somebody notice in their lives? So you’ve alluded to a few of them already. We might realize that we’ve got some hatred for somebody or something like that.

But I think that, because what we’re saying is that forgiveness is ultimately the way back to wholeness, to acceptance, then we can kind of assume that if we’re resentful, then we’re not going to be aligned with wholeness in the sense of kind of evolving and expanding and feeling a sense of flow, feeling connected to life and all those kind of things.

We’re probably going to have the opposite. So we’re going to have friction, we’re going to have frustration; we’re going to have misery. There’s going to be a lot of mental tension because we’re holding on to, interpretations of people because of our own ego stuff and so on and so forth.

Reverse engineering resentments for forgiveness.

Are there any other kind of obvious symptoms where people can, I guess, reverse engineer and say to themselves, “Wow, okay, I didn’t realize, but actually, I’ve got some work that I need to do”?

Barbara: Yeah, all of those things that you said. Definitely there’s a physiological aspect to it. So you might notice tension in your jaw, or just when I read that list of people, tension in my stomach. So you can notice those subtle clues.

But also, when I originally took that training, we were invited to write down all the people that we held any kind of grievance against any little thing or big thing. And this was through the whole of our lives. And it is such a brilliant exercise. So sometimes I lead groups of people called on a forgiveness field.

So basically, we come together, a bit like coming to a dojo or a yoga studio to practice. So we come together online to do some forgiveness work and I invite people to write their list of who they’ve resented and who they might be holding onto a resentment. And then I get them to add up the number of years they’ve been holding onto their resentments.

And, most people have an individual score of over 100. So in a small group of a couple of hundred, you know, like 20 people, there’s over 1000 years’ worth of resentment just amongst us. And that kind of normalizes it. And it means that, yes, you can admit.

So when I actually wrote my first list, I thought, well, I’m going to lower my bar and think pretty much everybody I’ve ever met, like early school friends, siblings, blah, blah. And I got to number 36. And I thought, yeah, probably resent my mum as well, put her name down. And the thing about my mum was I was resenting her for being ill. She had multiple sclerosis from the time I was 15.

So admitting that you resent somebody for an illness, now, what a horrible woman must I be? But actually, what a human woman I am. Because so many other people, as soon as I say that, go, oh, yeah, actually I do too. Or I’ve got elderly parents who need care, or I’ve got this kid who even though we love our kids, sometimes we resent them as well. Shock, horror.

So it’s important for us just to be really honest, because otherwise all the resentment just kind of. It just ends up somewhere else. It gets projected out into what we now have culturally, are these massive divisions, between us of those people, as opposed to my people. That’s the sort of the long disadvantage of not admitting that you’re holding resentments.

And don’t forget, also, culturally, most of our media and stories and movies are not about forgiveness. They’re about revenge. And they’re about how you get one over on the man or how it’s almost like we’re training ourselves for the complete opposite of forgiveness.

Because forgiveness isn’t sexy. It’s not interesting. Like a kind of a really good, cool revenge story. We’re all like, yeah, as opposed to someone’s forgiven somebody. You might be moved, but you’ll just think, “Well, I could never do that”.

Like these amazing, heroic stories of forgiveness. Somebody’s child has been killed, and then they manage to go on and forgive the killer. Just extraordinary stories, which maybe we find hard to relate to because we’re just thinking, well, I still can’t quite get over the fact that my husband won’t put the lid on the toothpaste or whatever. Yeah, we have to be real, Oli, which is what you’re talking about. Be honest about how petty we get.

Oli: There are so many questions I have after this stuff you’ve just shared. First of all, do you think it’s possible to live without resentment? Like, as a human being, can we get to that point where everything just, slides, of us, like water off a duck’s back? Nothing really bothers us anymore because we’re grounded in something true rather than all of these interpretations and so on that lead to resentment. Is that possible, do you think?

Barbara: In theory, yes, but in practice, I mean, I’ve been doing this for more than 30 years. I still get hooked. I still do my practice. But it’s like saying, have you got any spare change? I don’t know. I haven’t finished living my life yet. We don’t know what’s going to happen. So it could be that somebody does something really difficult, like, to a member of my family, or there’s some. I don’t know, a mistake or something that’s made or maybe harm.

Do I then do the same thing? I’m committed to a forgiveness practice. I’m going to choose to do my forgiveness practice every time. Because if you. One of the biggest teachers about forgiveness was Jesus, whose birthday is coming up soon, and he said, 70 times seven. When do you forgive70 times seven. And, so that’s like, every time.

So it is like a practice because you wouldn’t say to somebody, when will you finish doing yoga? It’s a lifelong practice, and the same with meditation. So I feel like forgiveness is in the same area. What I do know as well is from, like, 30 years of practicing, is that it’s still my choice. I still prefer to not carry any resentments, which is why I will write that person’s name down and I’ll do my practice. It doesn’t mean that I’m not unfuckwithable yet.

Oli: Yeah. But I think it is possible to get to that point where we can understand ultimately that we’re all human, basically, right? And so the benefits of forgiving mean that we ultimately forgive ourselves. I think that’s what it comes down to…I think that was going to be my other question.

So, it is possible to forgive everybody, but only if you forgive yourself first. Because if you don’t forgive yourself first, which just means accepting yourself unconditionally and realizing that you’re on a journey towards wholeness that is going to last your whole life, you can always go deeper.

If you don’t do that, that’s when you’re going to get to the point where you’re projecting your resentment or judgment of yourself out onto others so that you can maintain that disconnection within yourself, if that makes sense. And so only if we work on that internal foundation are we going to be able to continue doing this work that you’re talking about of forgiving others as, they inevitably annoy us as we go through life, and they don’t agree with us, or they share different values and different needs and all that kind of stuff.

And so I suppose what I’m doing now is switching the conversation onto our relationship with ourselves. Because do you think most people, I think at, the start of these kind of spiritual journeys, where they need to work on their emotional health and their mental health and the spiritual health, at, the start of the journey, there is a sense of disconnection within themselves, which is adding to the kind of tension that causes them to want to cling on to the illusions that we were talking about at the start of the conversation.

And when they’ve got that inner disconnection, the void, that’s when it’s much harder to be able to just accept other people. And if you accept them, that’s when all of this mental tension and the things we need to forgive slips away.

So I’ve been very long winded and rambling, but ultimately, what I’m saying is, is there a shortcut to forgiveness of others by working on forgiving ourselves for the disconnection that we may have picked up because of childhood trauma and shame and guilt and all those kind of things? If we work on that first, is it going to make the other stuff easier?

Barbara: That’s a really interesting question. Do you know the alternative serenity prayer, which goes, God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change the wisdom to change the one. No, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that it’s me.

So I agree that self-forgiveness is really important. I never say that we have to do it first, because I don’t want to put people off doing any forgiveness work. And sometimes self-forgiveness is the hardest. It’s the one that I find most. I get more people coming to the self-forgiveness classes than to the general ones at the moment, it’s the one that people find the hardest, because you’ve got the least distance between you and you.

At least other people look like they’re out there, whereas you’re with you 24/7 so I wouldn’t be prescriptive and say it’s one then the other. But I agree with you that when you are able to project less on others, that it would be easier to then, I mean, ideally, not being triggered in the first place, not resenting in the first place is the ideal.

So the more inner work that you’ve done on yourself, the more at home you are in yourself, the less you need to do that, because you’re not needing to point score off others. And you can have more of an attitude of live and let live, providing somebody’s not causing harm. And I think that’s another really important thing. Just to say generally, is forgiveness is not about accepting unacceptable behaviour or condoning unacceptable behaviour.

And you do still, if you need to litigate, create clear boundaries or prosecute or whatever, sometimes you have to take radical action to correct something. So amends sometimes do need to be made. But when you have that definition of forgiveness that I’m using, it’s not dependent. My forgiveness is not dependent on whether somebody apologises or makes amends. My forgiveness is on my choice whether or not I hate somebody or carry ill will against them. And that is empowering. And it’s the same with self-forgiveness.

Again, in fact, I was just thinking back to, an email I had from somebody a while ago saying I absolutely cannot forgive myself. And they didn’t say what it was that they were not able to forgive, but that, to me, is a choice. Of course you don’t have to forgive yourself, but it’s usually when you believe that forgiveness means other things, like, I don’t have to make amends, or I wasn’t responsible, or I can’t make amends, or I can’t change it, or if I forgive myself, I might do the same thing again, which is the most common fear. None of those things are true.

Self-forgiveness is, again, it’s just a choice. I choose to not judge myself and beat myself up and hold onto that story. I may have made a mistake. There is something I want to make amends for, or I can’t make amends for, but I’m going to do other things as my choice to mitigate whatever that decision was or thing that I did. And so I think, there’s the inner work, and then also there is the outer work.

And even the same with forgiveness, the way I teach it and work with people one to one, is I get them to do a process in their imaginations, as if they’re having a conversation with the other person – a bit like a gestalt kind of conversation. And, you may then also go to the person and say a small part of that thing. You may have a request, or like in nonviolent communication, you might have an unmet need that you want to say, “Actually, this is something that’s really important to me. Can we have a conversation about it?”

But doing it in almost like the safety of your own mind or with a therapist, means that you then have the opportunity to fully express the resentment that you have to be able to clear your field of it, so that it’s almost like you’re panning for gold. You’re getting clear on what’s really the nub of this, what’s actually the thing that I need to look at. And maybe it’s something I need to look at in myself because it’s something I’m projecting.

The ‘traditional’ advice in society is forgive, but don’t forget.

Oli: What do you think about the forgive and forgetting? So I guess the traditional advice in society is forgive, but don’t forget. So we release people of our resentment and all that kind of stuff. We let them know, but we also let them know that we haven’t forgotten.

 And I suppose that is rational, obviously, so that we don’t fall into the same situation again or the patterns aren’t repeated and that kind of stuff. But the way we’re kind of talking about it, it’s almost as though forgetting about it is actually the next level, if you want to break it down into levels. Because in a way, by forgetting about it, we’re truly getting to that place of acceptance where we’ve been fully present, if you know what I mean.

Like, the past isn’t clouding our view of the person right now. That’s obviously only if we want to continue a relationship with them or something like that. But otherwise, it’s a bit of a random question, but are there benefits to actually getting to that point where we can forget.

Barbara: In a sense, yes, I think so. I’m thinking in particular, like, if somebody has been betrayed in their marriage, you don’t want to keep remembering that. You want to do your work and have a fresh beginning and not constantly be thinking about it. I have had people write to me, even just reading the book and then doing the work by themselves saying, “It transformed my relationship. I’m beginning a new marriage, even though those things happen. You’ve saved me this really kind of amazing, kind of acknowledgment for how powerful it can be to be able to do that piece of work”.

And in my book, I also talk about needing to do it the equivalent of 70 times seven, because sometimes things will come back up again. Even though you might do your forgiveness work on your parents, or I think everybody needs to do forgiveness work on all the early players, even though you might have had a good…I’ve had a perfect childhood. No one’s had a perfect childhood. Nobody had perfect parents. Ask my son, he’ll tell you.

So it’s like, we do the best we can and we carry resentment, and it’s really good to clear those fields. And then if it’s an ongoing relationship, little things. It’s a bit like you don’t just clear your house, you vacuum whenever you have visitors, not just the first time. So it’s like we need to keep doing the work. And I think as a practice, it’s a bit like, again, back to yoga, you get stronger and more flexible.

So with forgiveness, you become more accepting and more able to see, oh, I’m making a story up there, or I’ve just projected my shadow onto that person and take responsibility for it.

So I think the practice of it is literally having it in your field as a practice, this is a relational thing. And I really believe that when we clear up our, inner relationships, this is sort of the longer view and the potential we were talking at the beginning. The potency of forgiveness is if every individual did their forgiveness work, we would be clearing up thousands of years’ worth of resentment, culturally, historically, comically. And I believe that if we’re going to make it as humanity, we have to know how to forgive and we have to be practicing it in order to be able to move past our differences to create a world that works for everyone.

Oli: One m hundred percent agree. How do we flip – I guess the cultural script – or narrative that sees forgiveness as been a weak thing?

Because ultimately what we’re saying, I think, is forgiveness is the way back to acceptance, to reality, and because reality is often going to throw all kinds of uncomfortable truths in our face that are going to cause us to have to let go of our illusions and all that kind of stuff. Facing reality is about strength, ultimately, but a lot of people seem to think that forgiveness is weak.

Like, if you forgive, and I’m not one of these people, for the record, but they seem to think if you forgive, well, you’re a pushover, or you’re just wishy-washy, the world’s telling you what to do. You don’t have this bloodlust for vengeance and all that kind of thing. And so you’re clearly just a weak person, basically.

Like, how do we get people to realize it’s the other way around, that forgiveness is strength, letting go and getting fully in the present so you can kind of have a fresh start with whoever it is that you’ve, had to forgive. That is true strength, because you’re letting go of your weakness, that stops you from seeing the truth about yourself and the truth about them.

Barbara: Absolutely, 100% with you on that. Totally. And I think having conversations like this, that’s my mission. More podcasts so that I can spread the happy news. But also, if you think about somebody like Gandhi or Nelson Mandela, or even the Dalai Lama, you don’t think, “Oh, there’s a weak person”.

These are spiritual masters, and that is where the strength is. It’s like being able to stand literally, in the face of the equivalent of crucifixion and not hate people. That is mastery. I agree with you. It’s incredible strength. It takes strength and, vulnerability to say, I’m going to stand with my heart open in the grief of this thing and not close my heart. I’m going to keep my heart open. And it doesn’t mean that you don’t set clear boundaries.

You do. You say, “This is unacceptable, we want the British out of India”, and you do what you need to do. He was not a wuss. He got stuff done.

So I totally agree. But culturally, we need to promote moral values and moral virtues, rather than, our worship of power and money and prestige with people who, in my humble opinion, have been on my forgiveness list and are not worthy of my aberration, as opposed to people like Gandhi or Martin Luther king, or any of the kind of leaders who change the world through nonviolence.

There’s a story about Martin Luther king where he is actually somebody, goes up to him on stage and hits him. And he says to the guards who rush to kind of intervene, don’t hurt him and that is spiritual mastery.

Oli: How do we get that in, I guess, a culture that is ultimately built on moral relativism? So there’s a kind of spiritual vacuum, I guess. And to state the obvious, and most people try and fill that void with the things you’ve mentioned, money, sex, power, blah, blah, blah. None of those things are going to give them what they really want, which I believe you can only get by reconnecting to the truth, by cultivating acceptance in the way that we’re talking about- and then putting yourself back in the flow of life, where you’re constantly evolving and expanding and all these kind of things.

To do that, you kind of have to realise that we’re not in control of our lives. And you can say it’s God or the universe, or you could just say it’s chaos. Like, none of us as human beings is omnipotent. There’s always going to be something that we have to surrender to, whether it’s just the laws of nature or some illness that creeps up in our lives. Whatever it is, we are not in control of our lives.

And I think when people face that uncertainty and chaos without some kind of spiritual core, that’s when they end up turning to moral relativism. And it becomes about me versus you, them versus us, right versus wrong, and all these kind of things. And that’s when we end up on the path to revenge and thinking that strength is about using our ego, basically, and its will to try and make life conform to us instead of letting go, of all those illusions and then conforming to life and finding that solid foundation of acceptance that we keep talking abou

t. I think moral relativism, this idea that it’s all relative, and my opinion is just as valid as yours, and I’ve got my reality and you’ve got yours, etc. That’s in a strange way, giving people the illusion of freedom, but it’s causing them to actually lose freedom in the long term because it’s making them more egotistical and therefore holding on to resentments and that kind of stuff. So that was a long winded way of going about it.

But how do we bring the kind of truth that you’re talking about back into the world in a world where most people are buying into that kind of relative way of looking at things? Because what we’re talking about really is, I guess, like an absolute truth of some kind. And if you tap into that, then you’ll let go and you’ll be forgiving, and things will be much better.

Barbara: Yeah, I have a bit of an allergy to the “my truth” thing, because my truth can be just my story and my perspective that I am not going to change. Rather than how can I maybe take your perspective, which is one of the things that happens in the forgiveness process that I’ve kind of curated, is you take the other person’s position. A bit like in the old debating societies where you would debate and then you would switch and then you’d debate the opposite, so that you have the opportunity to see things from a different perspective.

I’m seeing the mental health crisis, even the fact that it’s just called a mental health crisis and not an emotional and spiritual crisis.

And I agree with you. I don’t really know how we do it culturally. I’m seeing the mental health crisis, even the fact that it’s just called a mental health crisis and not an emotional and spiritual crisis, for that is what it is.

The fact that we are noticing how unable we are and how unresourced we are to be able to meet the challenges, particularly of life in the 21st century, that we, I think, will be forced onto our knees before we have to make the changes that we could choose to make. There’s a really lovely Hafiz poem that says, “No one can resist a divine invitation that narrows down all our choices to just two”.

You could come to God dressed for dancing or be carried on a stretcher to God’s ward, and that’s it. I really believe that the greater, like you were saying, that whatever it is, the life force itself, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, consciousness is something that we are mostly unconscious of.

And as we’ve become more conscious of it, that it changes us. And that’s irresistible. And we can kind of go the hard way, which is what it looks like, or we can try and head things off the past by waking up as much as we can and doing what we can to free ourselves. Because…I don’t know if you ever played that game called Stuck in the Mud when you were a kid?

Oli: No.

Barbara: And somebody’s it. And then they go around and they tag people, and as soon as you’re tagged, you have to stand with your arms out and your legs apart. And the people who are still free, they run and scramble between your legs and you get free. And then you go and free other people. And, I think it’s like that. It’s like those of us who know the importance of doing the inner work and taking full responsibility for, the way we show up in the world. It’s, like, not really our duty, but our privilege to be able to talk about it and to encourage and support other people to do the same.

Oli: So many amazing things in this conversation. We’re going to have to wrap it up. But if you were going to sum all of this up, if that’s even possible, how would you do it?

So I guess what I’m saying is, have you got any final words of wisdom and can you let people know where they can find you as well? And your book and all these other resources you’ve got?

Barbara: Yes, sure. Thank you. Well, I’ll do the logistic-y things first. So my book is called Forgiveness Made Easy: The Revolutionary Guide to Moving Beyond Your Past and Truly Letting Go. And that’s available on Amazon in all different countries. It’s audible as well as Kindle and printbook. And my website is forgivenessmadeasy.co.uk.

And I do one to one sessions with people. They take 90 minutes if you want to work with me on releasing a big resentment or something that you want support to release. And then I also host online forgiveness fields where they’re kind of group sessions which are obviously more, economically, a good deal, because we’re working together in a group and everybody works with their microphones off so you’re not overheard. But I take everybody through the seven steps of the forgiveness made easy process again in 90 minutes.

So it’s a really great way of practicing. And sometimes I do themes like self-forgiveness or forgive your ex or whatever. So I do themes sometimes, but you can bring anything.

I also have like a link tree, which is just Linktree. And then Barbara j. Hunt. So all of my stuff is just Barbara J. Hunt. And if you put Barbara J. Hunt and the word for it will come up with forgiveness and all of the different resources.

And then the last thing really that I like to say to kind of conclude and hopefully inspire people to do their forgiveness work is that I really and truly believe that we could create a much more beautiful world that our hearts know is possible, as Charles Eisenstein says, and peace starts in your heart.

And if you do your forgiveness work and I do mine, and all of those around us do theirs, that we could create a revolution, like one heart at a time. And to me that is the most exciting potential of forgiveness, is we could genuinely do that because it’s a choice and so if we had everybody, like, we all went into lockdown, we go into a forgiveness lockdown, we would come out into a completely different world.

And what I find so tantalizing is that I know it’s a fantasy, as in it’s probably not going to happen, but it is a potential. We could choose it, don’t. But we could. And so that’s why I feel so excited and lit up by the potential of it.

Oli: That’s amazing. Barbara, thank you so much for this one. It’s been a good one and I appreciate your energy and all that stuff, so, yeah. Thank you so much.

Barbara: Pleasure. Thanks very much for having me. Great conversation.


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Emotional Manipulation & Blackmail: How to Stop Being Played & Stay REAL

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If you don’t read this article, then you’re a terrible human being.

Oh, hi there.

Before we get started with all this, I just want to say that if you don’t read this article, then you’re a terrible human being:

You’re holding back the human race. Your degeneracy and immoral attitude towards life is ultimately ruining society.

And it’s people like you that make life way more difficult than it needs to be.

For the rest of us – the ‘good’ people out here in the world – who are just going about our business being real and so on and so forth….

Oh, wait a second. All of the things I just said were complete horsesh*t. It was my attempt to emotionally manipulate or blackmail you, into reading the rest of this long ass article – that’s because this (emotional manipulation and blackmail) is the theme of what follows.

If you read it, you’re going to become more aware of all of the emotional manipulation going on in the world and in your life, and – more importantly – I’m going to help you to become immune to it by giving you an inoculation, metaphorically speaking, so that you can stop buying into all that bs, stop being manipulated, and live a real life without unnecessary drama and nonsense.

Let’s have at it.

Emotional manipulation involves taking total responsibility for someone else’s feelings.

So before we get into the heavier stuff, let’s begin with a really simple definition of what we mean by emotional manipulation and/or blackmail, which are basically the same thing:

Emotional manipulation and blackmail is any instance of somebody else trying to make you take total responsibility for their feelings, their choices, their expectations, and ideas by turning your feelings against you.

Normally the feelings they’re going to “turn against you” are most likely to be fear, guilt and shame, and they’ll control you by creating some unreal standard of how you should behave, of how you should be, how you should feel.

If you don’t act according to this unreal standard – which is just something that they pulled out of their ass so that they can maintain their ego and not have to change or grow in life – then they’re going to put you on a guilt trip, they’re going to punish you, they’re going to basically make your life a living hell because they want you to take their feelings as your own and be responsible for them, when actually that is total nonsense (because at the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own feelings).

If you have some kind of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ inside you (again, usually SHAME) that makes you take on board that responsibility, then you’re going to get caught up in the cycle of being emotionally manipulated. And if you want to put an end to that, you need to ask yourself why you’re buying into it. That’s what we’re about to do.

So in this article, we’re really just going to explore why you would accept that responsibility for somebody else’s feelings and choices etc., and why you would live up or try to live up to their unrealistic standards that they have just created in order to control you in the first place (so that they can stay the same and they can watch you dance through hoops and do a whole song and dance, trying to please them so they can feel powerful).

Ultimately, that’s what this is all about: a power dynamic. And the only way that you end up giving away your power is by getting detached from your own realness, your own truth about yourself, and starting to believe some unreal nonsense that can only really belong to your ego.

And so if you can step back from your own ego ‘stuff’ and you can start to see clearly again, then you’re ultimately going to be able to stop feeding into other people’s egos, and that’s going to allow the whole house of cards to fall down.

The only reason that emotional manipulation works is because at some level, you’re choosing to be manipulated. And normally, that’s just so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable – i.e. it’s so you can feel the familiar buzz of being who you currently think you, are.

But if you’re being manipulated, then whatever it is that you think you are is unreal.

And so what you need to do is to flip the script, start being real again, and get your power back; when you do this, you remove the power over whoever it is in your life that’s manipulating you with all of this ‘stuff’.

Now, the bottom line, for the record, is that nobody is responsible for their own feelings and choices apart from themselves.

Except maybe in extreme cases, of course – if somebody’s holding a gun to your head, maybe they can coerce you and make you choose something that you don’t want.

But on a day to day basis, we are all responsible for our own feelings and our own choices.

And that means that anytime somebody tries to pass that ownership on to you, instead of owning their own feelings and choices, you have a choice to make:

You can either stop it in its tracks, or you can try and take it because of your own ego ‘stuff’ and your need to feel approval or love or whatever it is that you think you’re going to get by taking it on board.

In that moment – when you have that choice to make – that is where you have the opportunity to step into your power.

Accepting this fact of life – that we’re all responsible for our own choices and our own feelings – doesn’t mean that we should go around purposely trying to upset people or ruin their lives by upsetting them. It just means that if we’ve been real and we’re going about our lives the best way that we can, chasing our values and our true intentions and all that kind of stuff, we probably will upset at least one or two people along the way (purely because we all have different needs and agendas which is totally fine and healthy).

But as long as we’re not doing that intentionally, we don’t have to fall into the trap of being controlled when people are upset with us being on a real path whilst they’re getting worked up over something unreal in their minds – I’m just putting that out there because even though we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, we don’t need to purposely annoy people.

But at the same time, we don’t need to get so worked up and upset if we do upset somebody that we allow ourselves to be manipulated.

Emotional manipulation is basically when people try to make you own things that aren’t yours.

So now I’m going to give you three examples of the most common types of emotional manipulation.

Once you’re aware of these, you’re going to see them all over the place because a lot of people are coming at life from a place of ego and they don’t even know that they’re manipulating other people – it’s just a survival mechanism that they’ve picked up to be able to cope in life and get the results that they think want.

And so a lot of the time it’s automatic. It’s not like people are just evil or anything like that. It’s just something that they do because they’ve always done it.

But anyway, as we already said, emotional manipulation is basically when people try and make you own things that aren’t yours, like their feelings and choices, or when they try and get you to be something that you’re not and that you can never be, because what they’re asking you to be is some unreal thing that they’ve concocted because of their own ego stuff and their desire to keep the ego where it is and to not have to face their own stuff and grow real.

So here’s the three examples:

Example #1: Feelings

The first example of emotional manipulation is the feelings thing. It shows up like this:

Somebody will say to you, “If you don’t watch read this article that I wrote, if you don’t walk my dog, if you don’t, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I’m going to be really upset, I’m going to be really angry, I’m going to kill myself, I’m going to jump off a bridge” or whatever it is.

This is their attempt to persuade you that you are responsible for their feelings and what they do with those feelings.

Now if you’re the kind of person who has been conditioned to please everybody, i.e. you’re a people pleaser or a nice guy, whatever you want to call it, this is going to work on you because the most horrifying thing that you can imagine is making somebody feel negative emotions.

Actually, if you put yourself in the position of being responsible for this person’s feelings, or, even worse, show them that you actually will take responsibility by walking their dog or reading their stupid articles so they don’t jump off a bridge, etc. then you’re actually showing them that they can control you in that way.

When you look around you’ll see that this type of manipulation is everywhere:

It comes from our parents, sometimes it comes from our siblings, it comes from our friends -but at the end of the day, you are not responsible for anybody’s feelings except your own.

So even if they do get upset, even if they’re angry, or whatever then it’s not because of something you could or couldn’t do differently, but because of the choices they’re making about their own feelings.

Even in the absolute worst possible case of them going to jump off a bridge, it’s not because you didn’t walk their dog or whatever; it’s because – at some level – they just wanted to do that, which I know sounds really harsh, but the point is that you’re not responsible for their feelings. And if they try and make you feel that way, well…you just got manipulated.

Example #2: Choices

The second example of how manipulation and blackmail of this type shows up is around choices.

It takes place when somebody makes a choice that’s maybe not the best choice, and instead of taking responsibility for it, they try and find a way to blame you.

So maybe, for example, you go for lunch with a friend and they’re on a diet or wherever it is, and during the lunch, they end up just eating loads of calories and going away from the diet plan that they’re on.

After the meal, they start blaming you:

“Oh, my God, I can’t believe you let me order that on the menu. Like, you know, I’m on a diet and blah, blah, blah.”

Or maybe you got another friend who is trying not to drink alcohol, and, you go out and they have a few pints, and then the next day, well, it’s your fault because you let it happen.

Now, maybe you could have tried to talk them out of it if you so desired, but ultimately, that choice was theirs. And as soon as you let them put you on a guilt trip for the choice that they made, well, again… you just got manipulated.

As soon as you start kind of trying to pacify these kinds of people –  or put an argument forward as to why you let it happen or why you wish you didn’t let it happen or you show that you feel bad about it or whatever – well, congratulations…you’ve just been manipulated again.

Example #3: Being

The third form of this kind of emotional manipulation is sometimes quite subtle, but it’s also very common, and it happens all over the place.

This is the kind of manipulation I’ve already alluded to where somebody pulls an unrealistic standard out of their bee-hind and then they use that standard against you, even though it’s just something that they concocted because of their own ego.

Once they’ve conjured up this standard, they try and use it as a sort of box that they want you to live in so that they can keep you under control and so that they stay the same (they need the box to avoid facing their own ‘stuff’) – ultimately, what we’re talking about here is a kind of control freakery.

We can safely say that these people are control freaks because they’re filtering life through the ego and the only way that their ego can maintain its hold over them is if you voluntarily put yourself in this kind of a box so that they can stay in their comfort zone.

Ultimately, the way that this box takes shape by demanding that you be something that you’re not.

Three really common examples or, areas where this happens are in relationships, friendships and at work.

So, for example, in relationships, your partner might say, “Right, if you don’t remember every single little detail of my life, then you don’t love me” – and ultimately that’s impossible because nobody can remember every single little detail of somebody’s life (and doing so has nothing to do with love but how good your memory is).

As soon as you buy into this idea and trying living up to it as though it’s actual reality, well, you’re putting yourself up for all kinds of guilt trips. They’re going to be able to control you. They’re going to say, “Well, because you don’t remember every little detail of my life and you don’t love me, you’re going to have to walk my dog and you’re going to have to do this, you’re going to have to do that.”

It’s all bs though and it only maintains its hold over you because you choose to let it.

In friendships, they might say something like, “If you don’t lend me £1000 (or whatever) you’re not a real friend” – and the box, ultimately, is shaped by this definition of “a real friend”.

That’s what all of these kinds of thing are about in relation to how you should “be”:

They create a label that is ultimately a mask for all kinds of bs that you can never live up to but that you’re required to live up to in order to receive emotional validation. If you don’t know that you can give yourself this validation then you’ll be ensnared in the trap.

That’s really the whole point of these labels and ‘standard’ from the POV of the manipulator/blackmailer:

You’re not supposed to be able to live up to it because if you can, they’re not going to have anything to moan about and manipulate you with.

Anyway, so, in the ‘friendship’ thing, this kind of manipulation shows up like this:

“If you don’t call me every night and listen to me talk about all my problems nonstop, you’re not a real friend.”

“If you don’t drop all of your plans, you’re not a real friend.”

Basically, the box is the idea of a “real friend” and they can come up with all kinds of highfalutin ideas about what it means to live in that box. But actually, you don’t want to live in the box. That’s the whole point. You want to get out of it.

The third thing is, third example here is at work, your boss might say, “If you don’t work on a Saturday, then you’re not going to get that promotion. You’re not a good employee”, or “If you don’t stay and do overtime, even though it’s not in your contract, then you obviously don’t care about this place, and you’re not part of the family here in the workplace, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”.

It’s all nonsense. They’re saying that you should be a certain thing so that you can live up to their standards and climb into another one of those ‘boxes’.

As soon as you try to be whatever that is, instead of realising that it’s just pure nonsense and refusing to feed into it, then you’ve been manipulated.

In all of these cases, emotional manipulation only works if you let it – whether it’s about taking responsibility for their feelings, their choices, or trying to live up to being some unreal standard just so that their ego can maintain its hold over them, the solution in all cases is the same, and it’s very simple:

Don’t feed into it with your own ego.

The only reason you’d buy into this kind of manipulation is because your ego is causing you to believe something unreal, and so, the solution, as always – because “REAL ALWAYS WORKS” – is to step back, find your realness, and to ground yourself in something true.

And as soon as you do that, you’re no longer pouring gasoline on the fire by allowing your ego to meet their ego.

Now, often if you resist – in fact, usually if you resist – the next level after the initial manipulation is that they’re going to try and punish you:

They might make threats or they might give you the silent treatment. They might call you all kinds of names. They might constantly put you on a guilt trip and try to make you feel bad.

We could fill a whole thick book with examples of the kind of punishment that these manipulators are going to try and enforce upon you if you don’t buy into the manipulation… but in all cases, the solution is the same and it’s simply to just not feed into it.

As soon as somebody gives you the silent treatment, for example, and you start chasing after them and trying to beseech them and get down on your knees and beg that they start talking to you again, all you’ve done is managed to show them that the manipulation is working.

In other words, any attempts to appease them by giving them what they want is only going to make the situation worse.

So let’s take a quick look at how by just being REAL you can give yourself an immunization to the emotional manipulation and black by not feeding it.

Don’t feed the Gremlin.

“Do not feed the gremlin” – this is the lesson to remember next.

The solution to the problem of emotional manipulation is always to find your realness again.

I know that sounds simplistic, but the only way that you can be manipulated is because you had a moment of being unreal that taught whoever is manipulating you how to press your buttons – and if you have a button that can be pressed, it simply means that you have some unresolved shame or guilt – or even trauma (in the most extreme cases) – around something that whenever it’s pressed causes you to react in an unreal way.

The mechanics behind this are simple:

Every time that button is pressed, it’s ultimately just causing your emotions to send your ego kicking into gear – once this has been triggered you’re going to feed into the ego dance between yourself and the manipulator where you’re engaged in the power battle we talked about for being responsible for their feelings, their choices, and being whatever it is that they say you should be – so that they can finally approve of you and make you feel good (when if you focus on being REAL, you can naturally feel good about yourself anyway without them giving you the approval and validation and all that kind of stuff).

And so, what I’m saying is that you need to take the power back by realising that the only person who can press your buttons is you – and you can only do that by facing the underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that is causing those buttons to be ‘pressable’ in the first place.

There are a few strategies here that can help you in relation to these emotional manipulators and they’re all very simple:

The overarching strategy is what I’ve already said:

Don’t feed the Gremlin.

If you realise that somebody is emotionally manipulating you, then the best thing to do is to ignore them. If somebody is giving you the silent treatment, for example, ignore them right back until they cool off and come back.

Let them go off and be silent and brood and do whatever it is that they’re doing – just don’t chase after them. That’s the worst thing you can do.

If somebody is giving you the whole spiel about how if you don’t do a certain thing, then you’re not a “good friend” or a “good lover” or a “good employee” or whatever else, let them think that and don’t be shaken from yourself.

“So be it. Okay, then. I’m not a good lover. I’m not a good friend. I’m not a good employee. Oh, my God, the world is going to crumble around me.”

Not.

(Because the standard that they’re holding you accountable to is not real).

And so, ultimately, this is always the best policy: Just ignore them. Let them get on with it.

Don’t feed the Gremlin.

That will show you that they actually have no power over you – because by ignoring it, you’re kind of going to flip the script.

If they really do care about you, deep down, they’re going to have to come back to you and change the whole dynamic of the relationship by communicating in a different way and looking at how their behaviour is only serving their ego and not the relationship.

If they don’t? Well, remember the sacred mantra:

“Gimme something REAL or GTFO”.

So that’s the ultimate way to avoid the manipulation. Just ignore it and don’t feed that gremlin.

If you got some ego stuff going on, that’s going to be hard. You’re going to have a little voice in your head saying, “Oh, help me Lord, I can’t believe I’m ignoring this person. I’m a bad person”.

Or, you’ll have another niggling voice saying, “Oh, Heaven’s above, what if I am a bad lover? What if I am a bad friend?”

No. That voice is your conditioning but you’ve confused it for your conscience. It’s the ego.

If you’re coming from a place of wholeness and you care about that person and you’re there for them, but you still care about yourself and your own life, that doesn’t make you a bad anything – it means you have healthy boundaries (shock! horror!).

You’re a human being, and there’s no point trying to live up to these UNREAL standards that people create so that they can manipulate you for their own shame-driven reasons (don’t judge them, though, just ignore them and don’t feed the gremlin)!

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This article is based on a transcript from this video on my YouTube Channel.

You can set boundaries or walk away if someone is manipulating you.

The other two things that you can do are:

One, you can just say “No!” and set the boundaries.

Boundaries always begin by saying “No” to the unreal ‘stuff’ and “Yes” to the REAL.

You might have to say it a few times but eventually they’ll get the message…

There’s a famous technique in assertiveness training called the ‘Broken Record Technique’ where you literally just say the same line every time.

So if somebody says to you, for example, “Go walk my dog or I’m going to jump off a bridge”, you can say, “Well, look, I really don’t want you to jump off a bridge because I love you and I care about you, but I’m not going to walk your dog right now because I have to go focus on my own thing and do some yoga or whatever.”

Then they’ll come back at you with more manipulation, “Oh, you don’t love me, blah, blah, blah. You want me to jump off a bridge”.

Just say the same thing (like a broken record):

“Well, actually I really don’t want you to jump off a bridge because I really love you and I think you’re an amazing person. But I have to go do this other thing right now. Sorry about that.”

The other thing you can do is to remember the super ultimate mantra that comes into play in all relationships, which is the one I mentioned above:

“Gimme something real or GTFO”.

If somebody is only ever manipulating you and your attempts to not buy into it or to set boundaries don’t work, then you’re actually allowed to just walk away.

And maybe when you do walk away, they’ll reflect and they’ll realise that they need to change their way of doing things – or maybe you’ll never see them again, but it’s better to be alone than in unreal company.

If you know that and you have an abundance mindset – which means you can understand there are other opportunities out there and that you don’t have to put up with this kind of treatment – life gets way easier and more real as you’ll remove unnecessary drama from your life.

So in the face of manipulation and blackmail you can either:

  1. Ignore it by remembering not to feed the gremlin and so it loses it’s power.
  2.  You can say “No” and set boundaries (which may make things worse depending on the person).
  3. You can just GTFO and go find someone who actually appreciates you and isn’t going to manipulate you.

Three reasons why people may not step into their realness in the face of emotional manipulation:

So I want to finish this article with three main reasons why people may not step into their realness and end this cycle of manipulation that they may have found themselves in.

These are really common reasons, and if you understand them, it’s going to give you that awareness to be able to make that choice to step into something real and not keep going around in circles trying to please somebody who can never ever be pleased.

The bottom line with all this is that manipulators and blackmailers can’t be pleased – they’re a black hole of shame that has consumed them:

They don’t want to be pleased. They want to manipulate you so they can feel powerful – and if you understand that, it’s going to make it easier to step into your realness and be who you need to be.

The first reason that stops a lot of people ending this cycle of emotional manipulation is that they have unresolved shame and guilt themselves (they’re shame-driven people, ultimately, and so they don’t know how to be real because the opposite of realness is ego which is always fuelled by shame).

If you have guilt, you’re going to be really easy to control, because guilt is ultimately just a useless case of some external voice infiltrating our brains and telling us that there’s something wrong with us because we’re not doing this or we’re not doing that (shame, in contrast, is about there something ‘wrong’ with your being itself – always unreal!).

If you’re carrying guilt like this, then you’re ultimately going to have buttons that can be pressed.

And it’s the same with shame:

If you have feelings of worthlessness or that you’re not good enough, it means that you don’t accept yourself and that you’re avoiding something inside your experience of who you are that’s causing these buttons to be ‘pressable’ in the first place. And so actually, the solution is to face those unresolved emotions.

Normally, what happens when people face them, they finally (after years of avoidance) just look at them head on, is they dissolve. It’s the resistance that causes them to linger in the first place. And we resist them by hiding behind our own egos.

As soon as we take the ego out of the equation and we take a good long look at what’s going on inside us, those buttons can no longer be pressed, because the buttons mean that we’re resisting something.

When we turn inwards and we face the truth about who we are, we are going to be way less likely to be ‘manipulatable’, because people will still try and press the buttons, but – like I said earlier – we now realise that the power of the button is in our hands.

That’s the most important thing to remember:

You can only be manipulated if your buttons can be pressed; your buttons can only be pressed if you’re resisting something; the power to face things is always in your hands.

So you can avoid all kinds of external ‘button pressing’ by staying grounded in your realness and by understanding what’s making those buttons ‘pressable’ in the first place.

All you need to do is start finding ways to make whatever you’re resisting dissolve, which always means bringing the truth into our lives, allowing the unconscious to become conscious.

Once you do this, you’ll be free of your own inner fragmentation whilst also being free of the external fragmentation in the form of these relationships where you get endlessly manipulated until you reclaim your power.

The second thing that stops people from staying real – being grounded in their realness in the face of these emotional manipulators, and either ignoring what they’re doing (ignoring the silent treatment, for example, or walking away, or setting a boundary) – is a fear of conflict.

They’re worried that if they go back to being real, then the unreal person in this situation – the emotional manipulator –  is going to do something that the real person, or the person trying to break the cycle, can’t tolerate – or is going to cause them to be in a situation where they feel lonely, or they feel bad about themselves, or whatever it is.

When this happens it’s actually just a sign that you (the person being manipulated/blackmailed in this scenario) don’t have an abundance mindset.

For example, maybe you’re in a relationship and somebody is constantly manipulating you and you’ve tried to set the boundary or whatever it is, and you’re ready to step up – to actually call them out on it – but you’re worried that they’re going to end the relationship if you do.

Well… that’s because you have a scarcity mindset.

An abundance mindset would show you that if they do end the relationship, maybe that’s for the best.

Because why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that’s manipulating you all the time, even after you set boundaries and expressed what’s REAL to you?

It’s the same with a friendship:

If you have a friend who’s always taking the p*ss and trying to send you on a guilt trip or whatever it is…

Maybe, for example, you call attention to it and they say, “Right, that’s it, F you, I’m not your friend anymore” and they disappear.

Is this a ‘bad’ thing or have they just done you a favour?

The same with a job:

Obviously, jobs and our ability to pay the bills and stuff are intertwined – but, at the end of the day, if you tell your boss that you’re sick of this emotional manipulation and he says, “Right, that’s it – you’re fired!”

Well, s/he’s just done you a favour as well – but if you have a scarcity mindset, you’re not going to realise that you can go replace these things – your unreal relationships, ‘friendships’, employment situations, or whatever they are – and because you’re probably replacing them with something better or more REAL, well…it’s nothing to worry about.

It just means some short term discomfort as you rearrange the fabric of your life and go from unreal to real.

The third main reason that stops people from breaking the cycle of emotional manipulation by being real is that they actually have empathy and compassion for the person manipulating them.

Now, empathy and compassion, we all like those things, right?

Obviously, it’s very important to have them.

But in this case of dealing with an emotional manipulator, empathy and compassion are actually your enemies. They just make the situation worse.

For example, if you start telling yourself a story like “this person is manipulating me because they had a difficult childhood”, or “they’re going through a lot of stress at the moment”, or whatever it is, you’re actually making your life more difficult, because by doing that, it’s going to change your thinking and feeling in that way is going to change your behaviour towards the person and you’re going to cave into the manipulations.

In a strange way, the empathy and compassion are just going to make you more easy to manipulate in this kind of scenario.

What you need to do is remind yourself that manipulators are human beings too:

We can have sympathy for them and understand that, “Okay, life is difficult and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”, but we need to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and so if you’re putting them before yourself in this situation, you’re just going to keep being manipulated because you’re showing them that you are going to submit to them and their manipulations.  In other words, the cycle is never going to end.

This doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ person. It just means you may have to be a little bit emotionally reserved so that you don’t give into their ego ‘stuff’ and whatever sob story comes with it because – the moment that you do – you’re giving your power over to them.

None of this is to say that we shouldn’t be compassionate in life – it just means that in this particular case, if you’re too compassionate towards someone that’s manipulating you, you’re just giving them permission to keep doing it.

So that’s ultimately all I need to say for now:

Emotional manipulation is a power struggle. “Power” is the key word because the only way that you can give away your power is by giving into illusions, which means that your ego is in control instead of your realness.

As soon as you do that, you meet the ego of the manipulator with your own ego because of your own unconscious shame and guilt and trauma and all these kind of things, then you’re just going to keep this cycle, this dance of emotional manipulation going by feeding the gremlin.

You can end the cycle at any time by just being real and not feeding into it – but to do that, you have to really be grounded in your realness because the manipulator is going to challenge you:

They’re going to try and make things worse. They’re going to push those buttons more and more and more.

But if you just stay real and you stay grounded, it’s almost impossible to be manipulated.

After reading this (long ass) article you know that there’s people trying to make you responsible for their feelings and their choices – or that they’re trying to get you to be something you never can be.

You’re going to see this all over the place. And it’s not just between people in ‘real’ life:

You turn on the TV, someone’s going to be manipulating you; you’re scrolling through your social media, some influencer is going to be trying to manipulate you – it’s everywhere.

But no matter where you’re experiencing this, it’s always the same:

You’re either being unreal because your ego is feeding into it, or you’ve been real and you can just keep flowing and do your own thing without any of this bs holding you back – making you feel bad, or just getting in the way of living a real life and being who you really are – not who they’re demanding that you to be because of their own ‘stuff’.

Stay real out there,


If you want to grow into your REALNESS then either book a call with me or sign-up for my free 7-Day course in REALNESS and life purpose.

Enter your email to join my mailing list and get the course login and workbook:

Creative Status: Episode 67: Rachel Fell: I Think Therefore I’m Not

Creative Status is a podcast about using creativity as a vehicle for improving your life by deconstructing ego, integrating the shadow self, and designing and manifesting a real life.

Every episode explores how the creative process can help you GROW REAL by moving towards wholeness in yourself by making the unconscious conscious.

Embark on a mind-expanding journey with Creative Status as we unravel the intricate layers of holistic intelligence in an insightful conversation with Rachel Fell.

A coach, consultant, and educator at the crossroads of identity, awareness, and connection, Rachel brings her deep well of experience to the forefront in a discussion that challenges conventional thinking and reframes our ideas about intelligence through the lens of REALNESS.

???? Meet Rachel Fell: Join me (Oli Anderson) and Rachel Fell as we explore the realms of holistic growth.

With a background in organisational leadership, strategy, brand, and communications, Rachel has now dedicated herself to nurturing truly holistic development in her clients – we explore what this looks like in relation to creativity and intelligence in this conversation!

Beyond the Known: Delve into the interconnectedness of evolution, living systems, embodied psyche, and verbal identity—revealing pathways to actualisation and true creativity in a practical way that will change your life (if you want!?!).

Holistic Growth Unveiled: Explore the dimensions of holistic intelligence as Rachel shares her insights on interconnected evolution. Discover how embracing the complexity of living systems and embodied psyche can lead to profound personal and creative growth.

Creative Status: Where Holistic Intelligence Meets REALNESS

Join us for an episode that challenges the boundaries of thought and invites you to embrace holistic intelligence.

Tune in as we navigate the intricacies of interconnected evolution, living systems, embodied psyche, and verbal identity, uncovering pathways to authentic self-realization and true creativity for real human expression..

Stay real out there,

Oli

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Show Transcript: I Think Therefore I’m Not

This podcast is about using the creative process to become more real.

Intro

Oli Anderson: Oh, hi there – Oli Anderson here. You’re listening to Creative Status. If you don’t know, this is a podcast about using the creative process to become more real.

“More real” in this context just, just means that you’re getting out of your own way. You’re aligning yourself with the natural drive that we all have towards wholeness, and you’re ultimately building a foundation for unconditional self-acceptance that will allow you to have a better relationship with yourself, better relationship with other people, and then a better relationship with life as you can live without the unnecessary friction, frustration and misery of clinging to false ideas and concepts and images of ourselves and so on and so forth.

So, if that sounds interesting, you’re in the right place. If it doesn’t, sorry about that and, goodbye, I guess.

Either way, today’s interview is with Rachel fell, who is a coach, consultant, and educator who helps people to move towards holistic growth – for obvious reasons, then, she was in the right place coming, to talk about the issues that this podcast focuses on.

Really, if I was going to sum up this conversation, I’d say it’s about intelligence, reframing what intelligence even is if we look at it through the holistic lens of seeing human beings as systems within systems within systems:

We look at the limitations of thought. We look at how we can be more intuitive. We look at how we can use our intelligence to flow with life instead of holding ourselves back – loads of, really interesting insights and amazing, reframes of what it means to be an intelligent human being here on planet Earth.

So, Rachel, thank you so much for your time and your energy and your intellect and your intuition and all the things that we ended up talking about – and, everybody else, thanks for listening. If this helps you in any way, shape, or form, please leave a review or something so that other people can find the podcast and grow more real, too. Or not. It’s up to you either way. Here’s the conversation. Thanks a bunch. Boom.

Interview

Oli: Oh, hi there, Rachel. Thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode of creative status. We are going to be talking about human intelligence and how it can feed into or detract from, I’m assuming, our creativity and ability to be real and all that kind of stuff. Before we get into it, do you feel like introducing yourself and letting people know what you’re all about, why you do what you do, and what you want to get out of this conversation we’re about to dive into?

Rachel Fell: I’ll give it a shot, thanks so much. It’s great to be here. Yeah. So, my name is Rachel, and I’m a coaching consultant based in the Midwest, US – I work with folks to engage the power of transformation and to step into the unknown, really. And while that sounds quite nebulous, it’s actually pretty specific.

It’s moving into places and spaces, where we can, engage beyond what we think we know. And that really connects to our conversation today, because cognitive only intelligence really seems to be the norm, at this point in human history. And I think there’s just so much more available to us. So, yeah, really excited to explore this with you.

Oli: Yeah. And I think by what you just shared, you’ve cracked this open already. This whole idea of stepping into the unknown, I think, is the thing that shows us the main distinction between cognitive intelligence, as you call it, and real intelligence. And ultimately, it’s not even that new to be talking about this kind of thing.

If we go all the way back to Socrates, he basically said, all I really know is that I know nothing. And ultimately, that sums this all up, because the way that I look at it anyway, is that cognitive intelligence is ultimately conceptual intelligence rather than experiential intelligence. And it’s the illusion of control.

And we love cognitive conceptual intelligence because it’s about facts, it’s about figures, it’s about things that we can hold onto in this crazy, chaotic universe where we’ve all been, what’s, the word I’m looking for, we’ve all been forged, basically. And so stepping into the unknown is actually aligned with reality, because that’s the more chaotic way of doing things.

But ultimately, that involves getting away from concepts and ideas and all that kind of thing. So that’s me cracking this open. What do you think about all that that I’ve just said?

Rachel: Yeah, absolutely. And maybe to add some colour, some flavour, conceptual, but also representational, I think we forget that being human, to be human, is to be a literal time traveller –and so cognition, not just being conceptual, but representational and associative. And the unconscious is really driving the bus here on our experience and the ego. I know you’re a big fan of talking about the ego.

We forget that our very thoughts are the outcomes of lightning fast somatic processes that happen outside of our conscious awareness. And we’re drawing on associations, representations, and concepts. So these thought forms, they’re very complex and they are very associative, and they’re certainly not, let’s say, accurate all the time, if ever. So this invitation to expand our definition of intelligence feels very, aligned with human potential possibility. The expansion of our capacity individually and as a species.

Oli: Yeah. A way that I like to think about what you just said is that there’s a Veiled Veil between human beings and reality at all times. And ultimately, we constantly caught up in a cycle of fragmentation over wholeness. Surprise, surprise, because the ego is created by fragmentation.

But this Veiled Veil, it’s like a double whammy of kind of cognitive distortions. I suppose the first level is the level of perception. So because we’re in fragmented bodies, we perceive everything in a fragmented way, even though reality itself is about wholeness.

Not only that, though, there’s the next level of the veil, where we have our conceptual, cognitive interpretations of what we perceive, which are also limited by our own understanding and our own biases and what we already think we’re going to see and all this kind of stuff. And that limited perception and limited interpretation of life keeps feeding into itself, and it snowballs more and more and more until we ultimately end up creating a point of view to cling to that really has nothing to do with reality.

It’s just a kind of simulacrum that almost maybe kind of makes sense, but only based on our own emotional relationship with ourselves. And so real, intelligence, I would say, is about learning to let go of that and to be able to get away from all the perceived certainty of bodily perceptions and then cognitive interpretations so that we can flow and get into that truth of Socrates, basically knowing that we know nothing, but we sometimes think we do. And that’s actually what causes us to be less intelligent than we could be.

Rachel: Yeah. The slicing and dicing, the impetus to do that is quite real. And I think it’s human. It’s human to taxonomize, to name We’re conditioned inside a very material reductionist paradigm. And I’m not anti-material reductionism. I just don’t think it’s, like, the only way to explore the nature of reality.

So this piece about, kind of releasing the grip on that, it’s a complex conversation, because I don’t know that cognition can actually do that the inclusion of the somatic and really, I feel like this is the appropriate time to bring the nervous system into the conversation –  the nature of intelligence of any species super connected to the nervous system.

And so, what does it do? Can we access this place that you’re speaking about, or this potential and possibility, if we’re in survival mode and everything is either or and we really are needing to be correct or needing to be right, or to have the right answer, to be validated, to be worthy. there’s this collective sort of compression that cognitive. That’s the way I’m saying it. It’s sort of like this need to have the answer. The answer to be right, to slice and dice and to name actually contributes to our collective upregulation and our collective inability to relax into that wholeness. Literally.

Oli: Yeah. I think we can simplify it by saying that survival mode is our natural state, and the reductionistic view of life is a part of that. In fact, a lot of the fragmentary ways of perceiving and thinking that we’re talking about. And the whole reductionist methodology or, worldview is just the brain projected out into the world and then reflected back at itself and using its fragmentary way of thinking to kind of understand what it perceives.

And so it’s basically we’re looking at a reflection on a mirror, and we’re trying to make sense of it instead of understanding where the reflection is coming from in the first place. But that’s getting a bit carried away. But in relation to what we’re saying about survival modes, that’s our default state. When we’re just running according to instinct, we’re running according to fear, we’re running according to the ego.

All of those things, there’s nothing really wrong with them. It’s just the way that we have evolved to survive as fragmentary creatures on a fragmentary planet. And because fragmentation entails a kind of doggy, dog world, let’s say, where everything feeds off of everything else, we need to naturally be in survival mode to be able to have got to this point as a civilization or to just survive as individuals.

 But ultimately, if we only ever run on the autopilot of bodily instincts and fear and the ego and all the stuff that comes from that, and I believe the ego ultimately starts with the body and our relationship with it and how we hold on to emotional stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, if we’re in that survival mode only then we’re never really going to experience life to its fullest.

Because if we’re in survival mode, we’re not present; we’re just acting according to our programming, basically. And it’s the programming that causes the problem. Maybe actually it’s not programming in this case. It’s wiring, our obsolete biological wiring. And it’s obsolete because our, evolutionary environment no longer exists. We live in this crazy world that we now have our obsolete biological wiring is designed to make us just focus on survival.

But life, as I’m assuming as a coach, is also about the thriving part. But you can get to the thriving part by identifying with and attaching to the fragmentary version of yourself that being a survivalist entails. And that’s why it’s about changing your relationship with your own biological wiring and your own social programming.

They’re the two main things that keep us unnecessarily in survival mode and stop us from going into a deeper relationship with wholeness. And personally, I think everyone has tasted wholeness at some stage in their lives. The thing I’m always throwing around as an example is what Abraham Maslow called peak experiences. And peak experiences are just those moments where you feel totally connected to everything around you, i.e. you’re tasting wholeness beyond the object-subject boundary of perceiving things as isolated entities within time, space and causality.

That was probably the most pretentious, sentence I’ve said all week. But ultimately, that’s what it’s about. If you’re in survival mode, you’re seeing yourself as independent in an interdependent world, and you can only thrive when you step into interdependence. That independence, ultimately, is what we’re talking about, is the Veiled Veil of perceiving yourself as been separate from everything else, as interpreting everything that happens to you has been isolated from everything else. And then you perceive the objects of your experience as a subject has been detached from you.

When you have a peak experience, like you’re climbing a mountain, or you’re making love, or you’re riding a motorbike, or wherever it is, you transcend that object-subject boundary, even if it’s just for a second. And you taste wholeness. And when you taste wholeness, I believe and have experienced in my life, that is our true identity. Actually, it’s not about the fragments and the egos and all this stuff.

That sensation of wholeness, of life just being itself and transcending that object-subject boundary, is who we really are. And so if we can understand that, that’s when we can start to live, to get a better relationship with our biological wiring that’s causing us not to be present, and to just act on instinct and to step away from social programming, which is where a lot of our interpretations come from.

So it goes back to the Veiled Veil of perception and limitation. Then we can put ourselves on the path to really using, an intelligence that is rooted in presence. I suppose more than just wiring and programming. So that was a very long winded response.

Rachel: I mean, peak experiences are only available in a specific nervous system state. You cannot fake them.

Oli: No, you can’t, because it’s real. You can’t, fake. Yeah.

Rachel: Right. So you’ve opened about ten different tabs in my brain with that…diatribe. But you cannot fake the funk on what Stephen Porges would know. Ventral vagal and polyvagal theory. But that’s safe and social.

We think of the brain, and earlier in what you were sharing, logic and, rationality and reason, we forget that the brain is actually responsible for that very survival. It’s like this expansion of slowing down, even saying, what do we mean when we say brain? It’s like, well, there’s that prefrontal cortex and the neocortex, but there’s also the limbic system, and there’s also the brain stem, which is, in a lot of ways, the seed of neuroception and the entire nervous system.

The body is one big brain, essentially, one big intelligence. I don’t love to call it machine, but. So we’re being asked to essentially rewire our own neuroception, our own sense of safety, which is no small task, and it requires that we can both be in our human experience and observe it at the same time.

So mapping the self, and mapping our own intelligence, it can start really basic understanding, the state of your own nervous system. If you’re in survival mode, that connection, that nondual connection you’re speaking about, is literally likely not available to you. You can access thoughts that might calm you or bring you into a place where it is available, but it’s literally a function of intelligence.

It comes down to stress and how your body can handle stress

Oli: Yeah, it comes down to stress, ultimately, in relation to what I was rambling about. Survival mode, ultimately, is always, the more you feel the need to survive, the more you you’re driven by that need to survive, the more you’re going to be living in that fragmentary way of being where you’re seeing everything through the lens of independence over interdependence.

And ultimately, it comes down to stress and how your body can handle stress. And obviously, if you’ve got more stress in your life and you’re thinking in this fragmentary way, that’s going to exacerbate that stress, you are going to lean more towards survival mode. You could probably still have some peak experiences. Like, if you think about it, maybe I’m romanticizing it a little bit, right?

But let’s say you’re a caveman. You’re super stressed because you don’t know where your next meal is coming from. You see some, I don’t know, like a sabre tooth tiger or something, and you decide you’re going to go kill it. You kill it and then you’re going to feel that release. Because ultimately, stress is just tension. And then you get the release. And in that leap from tension to release, that’s where these peak experiences normally arise, I find.

And so, there’s a chance that, okay, if you’re predominantly in survival mode, you still will feel these peak experiences. And I think that’s why a lot of the time, ancient people and religions and stuff like that, because ultimately, that was their way of connecting to wholeness.

But in general, yeah, 100%, if you’re in survival mode, then you’re going to be less likely to do that and you need to rewire your nervous system. I think a good example here is trauma.

Trauma is ultimately what I’ve found anyway to be the human experience that causes us to attach to the ego, i.e. The most fragmentary version of ourselves, the most vehemently. Like, we cling to it so strongly when there’s trauma motivating us, because trauma just sends us into survival mode, like you said.

And so we can’t handle any stress, it’s going to trigger us and it’s going to bring the trauma back, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then there’s this really amazing book. I don’t know if you probably have heard of it, The Body Keeps The Score – it’s about trauma.

Ultimately, One of the things it recommends in that book as the best thing for dealing with trauma is yoga. And obviously I’m biased because I just love yoga and it’s helped me in my own life to have some of these peak experiences and stuff like that. But I think the reason that yoga is so powerful for getting you out of that survival mode and starting to move towards thrival mode is that it starts to rewire your immune system, your nervous system, in the way that you’re talking about.

Because ultimately it gets your body prepared to handle stress, the stress of life. And then when your body is more prepared to handle stress, then all of the extra mental friction and things like that are going to be more manageable and they’re going to dissolve so that you can start to get back into this natural flow that I think we all have towards wholeness and ultimately what I think we’re talking about.

I don’t know if I’ve gone on a tangent, really, with the intelligence thing. But what we’re talking about, ultimately, is, like, how survival mode is our default state, but there are things that we can do to facilitate the process of kind of transcending that and the sense of identity and everything that comes with it. So we can put ourselves on the path that we all truly want to be on, which was where we’re feeling that we’re moving towards wholeness.

We get out of a state of forcing things and friction and into more of a flow state. And that involves a certain kind of intelligence which actually comes back full circle, actually, because you can only get into that flow state by knowing that you know nothing, transcending your ideas about how you think you need to survive, or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and trusting life, something like that.

Survival mode is a lack of trust. It always comes back to trust for me now, and it’s something to do with that. Like, real intelligence is your capacity to trust and the qualities and skills that you need to be able to live with that trust, because then that takes survival mode out of the equation, and you’re having less stress and stuff.

You’re mapping full body intelligence when you engage with yoga

Rachel: Anyway, I love what you said about yoga, because the somatic awareness and the mind body connection, that’s what that’s doing. You’re mapping full body intelligence when you engage with yoga. So you’re literally opening physical wholeness in the sense that you are consciously mapping your full body as a body mind.

So whatever practices, there are so many ways to engage somatic intelligence, but that really feels like a very pragmatic step inside of all of this. That’s not be with the felt sense as you move. So I’m curious, when I share that, does that reflect your experience with yoga, that it’s opened a sort of m full body intelligence within you?

Oli: One of the main lessons I got from yoga is that what is good for the body is good for the mind, and it’s because it’s the same system. So if you take the idea of resistance, for example, physical resistance ultimately makes you stronger. That’s the abridged version. But it’s the same with your mind.

Like, we need resistance, that sweet spot of kind of creative tension or whatever you want to call it. We need to push ourselves and stretch ourselves so that we can evolve to the next version, because only if we do that can we find what I call the edge and transcend the current version of our ego. And so it truly is a mind-body system.

And a lot of people forget that yoga is actually, for your mind more than your body. The reason yogis originally started doing all these asanas is so that they could meditate more, because when they were sat in lotus pose all day, they would get stiff and all this kind of stuff, they get back problems. So they started doing physical asanas, asanas, so that they could do more of that.

And obviously, I guess now, as people are going through a yoga flow, they breathe in and breathe out at certain times, and it becomes, basically it’s a moving meditation. And the other reason that yoga has been so important for me, apart from showing me that my mind and my body are the same thing, it’s a system. is that at the end of a yoga session, if I have gone from that state I was talking about earlier, from tension at the start of the session to release at the end when I’m in the final cob’s pose, I have felt one of the, I get a peak experience in the way we’re talking about. I dissolve.

The word I’m always using for this is “dissolution”. I got that word from the yoga teacher Brian Kest, who was on the podcast. But dissolution is the perfect word for it because you’re holding on to all this stuff, your identity and your stress and your ideas and perceptions and blah, blah, blah. If you go through the yoga flow in the right way, then when you get to corpse pose shavasana, you dissolve, your identity dissolves.

You transcend that object-subject boundary I was talking about, you become one. You become one with everything. And it sounds really cheesy, but that’s the only way to describe it. And then obviously, you get up and five minutes later, you’re checking your phone, or you’re thinking about your next thing to do, and blah, blah, blah, the world creeps back in.

But this is why I’m saying, as long as you taste those experiences, those peak experiences, that dissolution, then you can transcend the fragmented identity of stress and the body and survivalistic systems, and you know which direction to move back in. And that feeds into the trust as well, I think.

Rachel: Yeah. What you’re explaining in your experience with yoga is a physiological process dropping down into a different nervous system state. Your brainwaves are lengthening, your literal waveform is more relaxed. So, yes, to really come into this, to speak about this a different way, separation exists inside of wholeness. So where am I now? Is a really powerful question. And if you’re really identified with your separateness.

One thing I do with my clients, this mapping of nervous system states and this sort of self location, it sounds very basic, but it’s incredibly, incredibly powerful because you can see the reflection of your state and your emotions and your thoughts. So your state in Shavasana, your literal physiological state, is one of more connection, interconnection, oneness.

When you’re jacked up and angry or frustrated or identified with your pain, with your trauma, that is a literal physiological state of separation. If we start by mapping, if we start simple, we can shepherd, guide, walk with ourselves into rewiring our sense of safety. And that’s a whole process that the body has to come along for the ride on. You can’t fake it. You can understand all the concepts. You can be, able to explore them existentially, philosophically, with language. But until you actually include your body in the mix, I don’t know how successful one would be at that rewiring.

Oli: Yeah, you just couldn’t do it. You have to experience it. And you can only experience it by really experiencing your body. 100 million% agree. This is why it comes back to intelligence, which is, I guess, what we kind of started talking about. Anyone can read a book about this stuff. Anyone can listen to this podcast, anyone can go on Wikipedia and read about all these convoluted theories and things like that.

But at the end of the day, it is basic. And the most basic thing that we can do is experience things through action. That’s what it all boils down to. And by doing that, you get out of your head, which is just your perceptions and conditioning and blah, blah, blah, and you put yourself back onto this path that you’re constantly being called back to anyway.

But because we lack that trust I keep talking about, and we identify with the survival version of ourselves as a default, it’s very hard for people to be able to take that leap from the mind to the body. And the other thing as well is what we were saying, right?

The body is more linked to nature. It’s more about chaos. And the tendency these days is for us to think that we can overcome nature itself and human nature with our thoughts. And that is reflected in our relationship with knowledge as a culture. It’s all about adding more concepts, more labels, more fragmentation.

But it gives the illusion of control in the short term. It helps to give people a sense of security in the short term, but in the long term, it’s unreal. And it’s going to cause a, wider and wider gulf between who they really can be when they’re thriving, because they’ve got in their bodies and they put themselves back on this path towards wholeness versus who they think they need to be to avoid doing that, even though it’s actually what they crave, because that’s just human, right?

Rachel: I mean, direct experience doesn’t need words.

Oli: Yeah.

Rachel: Direct experience doesn’t need words. Yeah. And words themselves, like, words, are worlds. and they can be beautiful, use them with care. Volume is violence. And more and more and more, it is this movement towards greater separation, greater definition, existential control, human exceptionalism, and cognitive exceptionalism, quite frankly, is what you’re talking about.

So this invitation to, let’s say, zoom out and redefine intelligence feels like just such a. It’s a very useful doorway, I found, because if you slow down and you ask people what they mean when they say intelligence, you’re going to get a wide swath of answers, I found, most of which are very focused on or centred on thoughts and the quality of the thoughts.

And I’ll take it a step further in being correct, being right. And the intelligence of nature is far greater than any one person’s thoughts or the collective thoughts, which is what you’re nodding to. It’s like the intelligence of the body. My God, that’s what AI is trying to replicate.

Oli: Yeah. It’s the idea that thoughts are who we are, and that if we can just create the right combination of thoughts as individuals, then we can be whatever we want to be. We can have whatever we want to have, and we can explain the things that we don’t like about life away. And it’s ultimately about using thought as a substitute for actual intelligence. Because actual intelligence, I think it’s the absence of thought. Actually, maybe not the absence. It’s a detachment from thought.

Rachel: Yes.

Oli: Yeah, I always thought that was wrong. “I think therefore I am”. Ultimately, he should have said, and maybe it’s a mistranslation or something, but the truth is, “I am aware, I am conscious, therefore I am”.

 “I think therefore I am” is actually the problem because we are not what we think. We are not what we think. We think we are what we think because we want to believe that that makes life easier. But actually, and this is why so many people are so bothered about being right and been wrong. It doesn’t matter if we’re right or wrong.

What matters is if we’re flowing in this way that we’re talking about towards thriving instead of just surviving. The only reason we’re so bothered about being right or wrong is because the ego is fuelled by the points of view that we have created to sustain it in the first place. That’s why people get so worked, up about being right and wrong.

There’s a quote by David Bohm was a physicist, and he said, “our opinions are something that we have, not something that we are”. But the problem with our culture is we think that our opinions, our thoughts are something that we are. And so we identify with them. And anytime someone disagrees with us, they’re not just attacking our opinions, our best understanding of the truth in that moment. They’re attacking us personally because we think that we are our thoughts.

And so, actually, the solution, I think, is to step back from thoughts like, “I’m not worried about being right or wrong anymore”. Okay? Right now, I might think this tomorrow, maybe I’ll have learned something new. It doesn’t matter, because the true experience I have of being me is what you said. It is experience. It’s not about how I’m thinking about it. It’s stepping away from all that stuff and, just being.

And it really is that simple. Like, the solution to a lot of these problems that people face is breaking it down to the basics. It’s like you said, your mapping system for different nervous system thing is states. s basic, and it needs to be basic.

Like, actually, all of this, ego attachment to thought and knowledge, conceptual knowledge of facts and figures and theories and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that’s just turned into a kind of edifice that is adding more and more complications to the human experience.

But the only reason we need complications and complexity a lot of the time is because it’s the ego’s way of avoiding the truth. The truth is really simple. Like, we’re moving towards wholeness or we’re not. And we can only do that if we trust. And if we don’t, then that’s when we’re going to try and hide behind this big wall of convoluted theories and concepts and ideas that we don’t really need. That’s the thing, right?

I think in terms of intelligence, is letting go of all this stuff. We don’t need it. You’re not intelligent because you can remember a lot of facts and figures. That’s a memory. It’s memory. It’s not intelligent. So that’s me rambling.

Rachel: I mean, I’m so glad you bring up Descartes. And I had a little giggle when you said intelligence is the absence of thought. Because, this is a little bit of a – well, it’s vulnerable, it’s personal.

So I went through a pretty profound, positive disintegration starting in 2018. And basically, my sub and unconscious would no longer be ignored. It was like a pressure cooker from the inside, and it forced me into the inner world and self-locate, self-relate to really bring the observer online in wholly new ways.

And I’ve never been somebody that’s very, been terribly allegiant to any sort of identity, if I’m being honest. but as part of that whole process of disintegration, call it an existential crisis, call it a dark night of the soul, it was this literal disintegration of the thought forms, the templates, all the meaning that had existed up until then.

Fast forward…I don’t actually experience active thought very much anymore. It’s quite quiet in my inner world, so it’s almost like cognition now acts as like, a support as opposed to it’s not standing on the boardroom table screaming at all the other intelligences trying to take the wheel. It’s not the only player on the team anymore.

It’s an incredible player, but it supports a whole much expanded, let’s say, system wide intelligence. It’s one of many players on the team. And so, yes, when Descartes said that, I talk about that and explore that a lot, and I really wonder if what we’re actually talking about here is a metacognition which awareness. I am aware, therefore I am observer. It’s like, of course I drink coffees, therefore I am.

No words needed. I’m in this forest. I am, “I am” is the core of it but maybe there’s an invitation to think of this more. Like, where is my awareness? Pointed is a question that I come back to, my awareness of my own awareness. And when you talk about autopilot, there it is. There’s another really interesting, very, very basic practice that we can use in our lives to map our own awareness. What are we pointed at?

Oli: That is one of the most important game changers I found for human beings to change their lives. And it’s focus.

“Before you had the dark night of the soul, your cognitive mind was fragmented”

Think about what you just said, right? So in your experience before you had this dark night of the soul, I’m assuming the thoughts were just swimming up from wherever they swim up. There was all kinds of stuff going on in your head. The hamster wheel of thoughts that people have day by day, which is mainly 80% of the same stuff going round and around in their heads, was your normal experience.

And then you went through this dark night of the soul, and after that, you had a more active relationship with your cognitive side. Which means obviously it’s still there, but it’s more like you’re directing it with your focus rather than it directing where your focus needs to be.

Rachel: That’s exactly right.

Oli: Yeah, that’s something I’ve seen a lot. And I think the reason that it happens is it all comes down to the ego again, right? Surprise, surprise. Before you’re dark night of the soul, you were basically living as an unreal version of yourself, which is the ego. That’s just something that happened because of what you’ve been through and like your unconscious intentions, drives and so on and so forth.

We create these versions of ourselves that are fragmented to sound like a broken record. They’re fragmented because the only way we can create that ego, is by disowning parts of ourselves that are very real or trying to hide from them. That’s when it comes down to the shadow self and all that kind of stuff.

The more we ignore the shadow self because we’re living out the ego, the script of the ego and the path that he wants us to be on, which is unreal, the more we’re inviting an eventual dark night of the soul into our lives. And yes, that’s exactly what you’ve been through right now.

When we’re living in that ego state, we are going to have lost control of our minds a little bit. Because the reason I have found that we’re on the hamster wheel of these thoughts going on and on in our, heads without us having any control over it, is because that state of disconnection between our realness and the ego, that state of disconnection means that we have all kinds of unanswered questions. And the brain, in that sense, the cognitive brain, is kind of like a computer you feed a question into it and then it just goes round and around and around trying to answer the question.

A lot of those questions can be answered because they only existing at a level of the ego anyway. And you can’t get closure around them. But whatever the questions are, they’re going to be linked to like “Why am I disconnected?”, “Why do I feel bad?” “Why do I have this restless feeling?”, “ How can I solve this problem?”, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”.

And it goes round and round and round around. But then eventually when you reach this point where the shadow self is screaming in your face that you need to wake up, you hit rock bottom. You have this existential crisis and you go through the dark night of the soul.

And that process of going through the dark night of the soul is actually a process of spiritual purification or whatever phrase you want to use. And by going through that, through the dark night, you realize that a lot of those questions can be answered because they were unreal in the first place.

Or you get a deeper relationship with reality because in a way, that night of the sword shows you what’s actually true and where you were holding yourself back with illusions. And so you get a lot of answers to the questions. And by doing that, the questions that can be answered, and by going through that process, you’ve basically been through Personal Revolution. That’s what I call it, where you’ve gained mastery of your mind, and that’s it. And once you’ve done that, you can change your focus. And it’s exactly what you said. Your mind.

And so that’s the key thing, right? We learn to focus on what’s real. Then that just means, especially if we’ve been through a dynamite of the soul or we’ve started doing yoga or whatever it is that has changed that inner experience, we can focus on things that allow that to grow rather than to keep shrinking away. And that is ultimately, when we’ve put ourselves on the path of stepping away from just being a robot that’s acting for survival to being an actual human being that’s using real human intelligence.

The final lesson is acceptance. If you accept life, you get life.

Rachel: Well, I’d love the opportunity to volley in different language, because the exact same thing. And I find every human being seems to have a different way of. And then to share something like what you mean my own way? I don’t know it in your way, but I know what I mean. I know what you mean in my way.

If I were to add this, the shadow is…The shadow is, the darkness, let’s say, what is beyond our current me in the sense that curious about what people mean when they use words. And the word ego is one I explore with clients a lot because it’s kind of squishy, it’s a little nebulous. It’s like, well, what do you mean when you say ego? Or what do I mean?

And for myself, it puts this, like, ration consciousness, transcend having a self. I mean, we can go into whole exploration of person where Rachel that exists in separation consciousness. But also she is 100% animated by the not self. And the not self is the larger frame. So anyways, ego is sense of self. Do I put the fork in my mouth? Do I put my oxygen mask on first?

Now, if we expand this, it’s like, well, if my sense of self is my thoughts. That’s the issue here. It’s like the expansion into the shadowlands, the invitation or the sub and unconscious to be part of our definition of self. It’s like we’re not running the show. And that really internalizing, playing with, exploring, that is what opened things up for me. So it’s really like what lives in my sub and unconscious. And my shadow is intelligent.

The nature of the shadow is intelligent. It’s not bad or good or wrong. Like letting go of all of these labels. And it’s like, let what is in the darkness, let that intelligence be part of this process. Exactly. And maybe loosen your grip a little bit on needing to name and place and slice and dice and see what happens.

Oli: Yeah. the shadow is real.

Rachel: Yeah, it’s the sub and unconscious nervous system. So if you want to rewire, I mean, if you wire you. Well, learn to work with your triggers you can rewire your own neuroception for sure, but it’s not for the faint of heart.

Oli: And I think the final lesson when you start facing the shadow self is the difference between surviving and thriving in the way that we’re talking about survival is the illusion that it’s all up to you, that you are in control.

Thriving is the acceptance of your dependence on life itself. But at the same time, knowing that you can trust life to take you where you need to go. If you can listen to life, that’s a whole other avenue that we could have opened up, but we’ve run out.

Rachel: Yeah.

Oli: If you can listen to life because you’re not trying to control everything, that’s when you get a real life. Something like, that.

Rachel: Yes.

Oli: The final lesson is acceptance. If you accept life, you get life. But the only thing that stops us is a heightened nervous system, I guess, that is sending us into survival mode instead of trusting.

Well, Rachel, thank you so much for this conversation. I’m going to share all your links and everything in the show notes. This has been a super stimulating one. So thank you for your time and your energy.

I’m going to go do some yoga or something and start thriving

Rachel: Wonderful. Thanks so much.


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Embracing WRONGNESS: How Being ‘Wrong’ Can Set You Right

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Being ‘wrong’ may be exactly what you’re looking for…this article will help you understand why.

Oh, hi there.

In this article, we’re going to explore how being ‘wrong’ is actually a good thing that can free you from the ideas you hold about yourself that are holding you back from life so that you can evolve into your REALNESS and the person that you were born to be

When you truly embrace being ‘wrong’ in this way, you can step into your potential, have better relationships with other people, and feel the sense of tranquillity and peace that comes from letting go of the need to control everything through being ‘right’ all the time.

When you embrace being ‘wrong’ in this way, you’ll find that you’re not constantly forcing life through control freakery and manipulation in an attempt to bend everything to your will, (which is probably wrong anyway) and you can just relax into you true humanity – in other words, you can just allow yourself to be a REAL human being who is limited in understanding and is humble enough to not attempt to be omniscient omnipotent (that’s EGO).

So the short-version of all this is that if you can just get over yourself – sorry to say – and start being ‘wrong’, I can pretty much guarantee that life is going to be way better because you’re going to be aligned with REALITY instead of forcing yourself against it and bringing unnecessary friction, frustration, and misery into your life.

Let’s go.

Socrates: “I know that I know nothing”.

So somebody like me popping up and saying that we should be wrong isn’t actually a new thing. That’s because “there is nothing new under the sun” and the human condition has always been the human condition as long as human beings have been around – and not one of us mortals – in the whole of human history – has ever been right about everything. Ever.

The most famous quote that sums this up is Socrates, the Greek philosopher. He said (quoted by Plato): “True wisdom is knowing that I know nothing.”

That’s a good way to say it. It might be a little bit extreme because we all know a little bit of something. Like, for example, I know that I need a haircut. I know that the weather outside is pretty ‘bad’ right now. So I do know something.

Either way, the point stands that if we think we know everything, then maybe we do know nothing, or we don’t know enough. Because only if you know that you don’t know everything can you truly know something and align yourself with the truth of our life. And so ultimately, I think Socrates was right: Wisdom is knowing that we don’t know everything. Let’s say it like that.

No matter who you are or what you’ve experienced, there’s always more to learn and the things you think you may know could eventually turn out to be wrong so the most REAL approach is to remain open-minded.

What we think we ‘know’ and happen to be ‘right’ about is usually just conceptual ideas and interpretations that we’ve created about life on the best judgments that we have according to the greatest understanding that we have – but because conceptual knowledge is just made of concepts and concepts are not reality itself there’s always going to be limits and we’re never going to be 100% ‘right about things. That’s just the human condition, I guess.

The thing about ‘concepts’ is that can either point you towards reality or away from it – they can never be reality itself (which we can only know through EXPERIENCE, not concepts).

For example, the concept ‘dog’ points to a thing that exists in the world; the concept ‘unicorn’ points to something that just isn’t real, although we can imagine them anyway. The point here is if we’re just trying to interpret life through our interpretations and conceptual knowledge, then we’re always going to be limited.

But for some reason, even though we all often like to believe that wisdom is one of the keys to happiness, we sometimes act in a way where we’re not being wise, according to Socrates’ definition, because we’re acting like we know everything, which is always going to cause problems.

So here’s why:

The bottom line is that human beings can’t know everything. It’s literally impossible because the truth itself is whole but we are fragmented. We’re in fragmented bodies on a fragmented planet, swimming through a fragmented relationship with time, space, and causality – if you want to get into all that.

That means that, by definition, we’re always going to be ‘wrong’ about something – we could even go so far as to say that it’s just our nature to be wrong (and that’s fine…it’s what makes life interesting and keeps us learning and evolving).

And, even if we do just grasp something that seems true through our conceptual understanding, then life just keeps moving anyway, and the STATIC concepts in our head are inherently conflicted with the way that reality is in FLUX all around us. In practical terms, this just means that there’s a very high chance that the concepts we’re using to make ‘sense’ of life are pretty much guaranteed to eventually be out of date, and then we’re just going to be back where we started: being ‘wrong’.

And so, actually, if you’re out there plodding through life like you’ve got everything figured out and that you’re ‘right’ about everything, like I often do, then something has gone horribly wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. And the reason it’s gone horribly wrong is because it is our nature to be wrong about things – and so if we think we’re right about everything, we are literally going against our own realness.

We’re not accepting who we are. We’re not accepting life. We’re not accepting the world. We’ve taken ourselves out of the natural, REAL flow of things – which means that we keep moving, we keep evolving, and, by extension, we have to keep learning. And, that means that we will realise we were wrong and that we can go deeper into understanding the things that we already think we know.

And so if we take ourselves out of that process, we’re actually removing ourselves or distancing ourselves from our humanity and from our realness. And actually, that’s what this is all about:

The best way for human beings to feel ‘good’ is to be aligned with our realness – with our natural flow of constant growth and evolution and movement towards WHOLENESS.

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This article is based on a transcript of this video from my YouTube Channel.

If we stop moving with that NATURAL DRIVE towards wholenes or we stunt our growth and stagnate because we keep putting these conceptual blocks in our own path and try to be ‘right’ about them and defend them, then we’re going to have a really ‘bad’ time.

And so, as per usual, it all comes down to the same old problem:

What is that same old problem?

Well, you guessed it, boys and girls, it’s the EGO.

The ego is the illusion of separation, the illusion of disconnection. And in relation to what we’re talking about, the illusion of stasis, the idea that for some bizarre reason, even though everything that’s real continues to move and ebb and flow and to keep changing, we fight to stay the same.

And the more we cling to that static picture of who we are, what we think the world is, what we think reality is – the more we cling to that – the harder things get for us, because we put in friction between ourselves and life.

But even though it’s hard, so many of us try and cling to this static picture because we don’t want to face all of the ‘stuff’ going on beneath the surface that the natural unfolding and changes in life are going to cause us to face as the unconscious becomes conscious and we have to take a good look at ourselves so we can become whole again.

As a kind of COPING MECHANISM, we create these points of view, these systems of thought – these ideologies – that are ultimately an extension of the ego. And that is actually the main (and perhaps only)  problem.

When people are obsessed with being ‘right’, what they’re actually doing is trying to defend a point of view that they’ve created, which is an extension of the thing that’s causing them to be miserable in the first place (because they think they need for survival).

People always talk about how the ego is a survival thing that we evolved for protection and this is true – it helped us to survive whatever we’ve been through in the past and the emotional pain that we weren’t ready to face at that time. – in addition to this, though, the points of view that we attach to – like our political views and whatever else – are more often than not, if we’re obsessed and fixated with them being ‘right’, an extension of the same old ego.

A point of view ultimately, in this sense, is just the ego’s way of working its way through the world and interacting with the world so that it can maintain its hold over us. And so what I’m saying is that when people are so obsessed with being ‘right’, they’re not actually bothered about the truth; they’re bothered about protecting the ego so they don’t have to change.

This is why it’s important to be wrong and to be open to being wrong, because if you’re not – if you’re going around through life just trying to be ‘right’ about everything – you think that you’re protecting yourself, but actually all you’re doing is protecting the ego, which is the only thing making you miserable in the first place.

And so, paradoxically, perhaps, by being WRONG, you can have some short-term discomfort, sure, but you can also free yourself from this idea, this parasite that has wrapped itself around your psyche and that is holding you back from real life.

So the short version of all that is that the more you need your point of view to be ‘right’, or the more you need other people to believe that your point of view is right – and to come to your way of thinking – the more you’re basically trying to convince yourself that it’s true because, at some level, you don’t actually believe it because it only really exists because of the fundamental state of disconnection within yourself – because of fragmentation, because of the shame, guilt, and/or trauma that have caused you to create a little ego version of yourself and to put that out into the world.

If you understand that, you can realise that, “Okay, if I want to be happy, if I want to feel peace, if I want to be tranquil, blah, blah, blah, I can step back from all that bullshit.

I can be open to the fact that I might be wrong, and I can realise that, actually, all of my opinions and all of my points of view and so on and so forth, they’re not ME or that I am. They’re just something that I have.

And if I can see that, and I can get a better relationship to the truth, then I can solve a lot of problems in my life.”

Because most of the bullshit going on out there in the world, if you look around you, is just people arguing about who’s right and who’s wrong. But it’s all nonsense.

Here’s a little secret about life (if you want to use a dramatic word like secret):

It’s not really a secret, but anyway, this thing that I’m about to share is this: The truth is the truth.

Wow. That’s deep, right?

But what it means is that the truth doesn’t change. Nobody has ever argued about the truth. Nobody can argue about the truth. Throughout all of human history, the billions and billions of dead people – and there are more dead people than living people (just throwing that out there) – but anyway, throughout human history, nobody has ever argued about the truth.

Which may sound weird at first, but when you think about it, the only thing we can argue about is our interpretations of the truth. Our opinions of the truth, our understanding of the truth, none of those things are the truth itself.

None of our attempts to defend the truth have any effect on the truth itself

None of the arguments that we have, nor any of our attempts to defend what we think is the truth – or to shatter other people’s visions of the truth because we disagree with it – none of that stuff has any effect on the truth itself.

And so if you can understand that, the ‘secret’, it actually allows you to kind of step back and to relax because you realise there’s two different levels:

1) There’s the level of fragmentation and all the opinions and the arguments and etc. going on out there in the world. And then there’s: 2) just the truth itself – which is just there truthing along without anything impacting it or anything affecting it. The truth is just the truth – all of these circles we run around in trying to be ‘right’ and to make other people wrong, they have no effect on it whatsoever.

And even if you think you do have the truth, even if you did have the truth, you wouldn’t need to waste time defending it and trying to be ‘right’ about it, because it doesn’t need defending, because nothing can change it, nothing can hurt it, nothing can have any impact on it whatsoever.

You either accept it and you’re happy or you don’t accept it, and then you spend your life arguing about whatever you think is the substitute for it, and then you get miserable. And it’s really that simple.

The truth does not need defending. The truth does not need you going out there running around trying to be ‘right’ about it. All you’re doing is fighting for your interpretations and your ego. But the truth is the truth.

So that was very philosophical. But what does it mean? How do you use this information to be happier in life, to be more real?

Well, it’s really simple:

It just means that you have to stay aware – you have to monitor yourself, so to speak. And anytime you find yourself getting overly emotional and trying to be ‘right’ or trying to persuade other people, well, you’re not actually on about the truth; you’re not trying to bring more truth into the equation – you’re trying to defend your ego.

And if we’re real with ourselves, like we’ve already said, the ego is the main source of all the problems in our life anyway. And so whenever you think that you’re on some kind of a CRUSADE to defend the truth and you’re getting overly emotional about it, well, because the truth doesn’t need defending, and all of your emotional outbursts and so on and so forth have literally zero effect on it, you can step back and you can remind yourself, “Okay, it’s my ego here that I’m actually trying to defend”.

And – maybe, if you’re lucky – that will be enough to make you stfu. So you can actually just breathe again and remember that you’re not going to change anything anyway, because no one cares if you’re ‘right’ apart from you.

This also means that you don’t really need to invest energy in defending your opinions. That’s counterintuitive to some people, because we think the more vociferous we are about our opinions, the more other people are going to come on board and think that we’re ‘right’.

If we we’re driven by underlying shame – which is often what causes us to need the ego to be true in the first place – then we feel like if we can get others to just believe that we’re right, then some of that shame is going to be diminished and we’ll feel better about ourselves.

But, actually, it doesn’t need to be that way – because if you think about it, if you really believe that your opinions are true – if you truly, truly believe it – you don’t care what other people think.

That sounds a bit arrogant, maybe, but you just don’t. It doesn’t matter what other people think though: you’re aware that what you believe is true because you’ve had some experience beyond the conceptual. And so it doesn’t matter if other people say you’re wrong. It doesn’t matter if other people think you’re right. You just know the truth.

And so maybe you’ll put it out there in conversation, and you’ll share it with people, and you’ll have a dialogue and all that kind of stuff – normal human behaviour. But if somebody disagrees, you can either calmly say, “Well, actually, I think this”,  or you can just smile and nod and then go about your life knowing that you’re aligned with the truth anyway, but also knowing that you might not be (and if you’re not, that’s fine, because maybe you’ll learn some other stuff, maybe you won’t).

Either way, there’s no point wasting time arguing about things when you can just be living the truth that you think you found to the greatest extent possible.

A quote that I love throwing out there is by the physicist David Bohm. He has this book called On Dialogue where he says something like, “Your opinions are not something that you are, they’re something that you have.”

They’re not something that you, are. They’re something that you have. And I think that’s a really great quote because it just reminds you to kind of step back.

If somebody is disagreeing with you or saying that your opinion is stupid or that it’s wrong or whatever else, well, that’s fine, because they’re saying it about your opinion, which is just a conceptual idea that you’ve picked up to make sense of life. They’re not saying it about YOU.

If you can remember this and you can take your ego out of the equation, once again, you realise that you actually don’t have to take disagreement or anything like that personally, because what’s real about you is always real: you can’t add to it, you can’t remove from it, because it’s a state of WHOLENESS – and so whether your opinions are aligned with the truth or not, well, it doesn’t matter because you’re still real.

If you need to be ‘right’ all the time, then you just have some kind of a block between you and life. And if you’re open to being ‘wrong’, you can ensure that that block diminishes in its power over you, and then things are just going to be better.

So I just want to put that out there: Your opinions are something that you have, not something that you are. And if you understand that, you can free yourself because you can be wrong, and then you’re going to be aligned with life.

3 ways to align yourself with REAL life by finding your own ‘wrongness’

Here are three things that you can do so that you can align yourself with your own realness by being wrong and using that wrongness to develop a closer relationship to the truth (which sounds weird and paradoxical and maybe like bullshit, but I promise that’s how it works):

The first thing you can do is exactly what we just said: Don’t take things personally.

The only reason you take things personally is because you, are lapsing into control freakery – because you need your ego to be the truth – and any disagreement is basically threatening the scaffolding that your whole ego rests upon and you’re terrified that it’s going to come falling down and you’ll just be like an empty husk of a human being.

But actually, if the ego disappears, you become more real. So anyway, don’t take it personally because it’s just an opinion.

The second thing is to remember that if you’re wrong in life, then it’s going to allow you to learn something new. And if you keep learning, well, ideally, unless you’re fooling yourself, the only thing that you can learn is more about the truth – you can go deeper into it, and then you’re going to have a solid foundation to grow real and it’s just better.

The third thing is just to remember that nothing really matters anyway. If you’re right with your opinions, okay, that’s cool. If you’re wrong, well, that’s fine as well.

But ultimately it’s all just ebb and flow, and we’re all going to die one day anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

So that’s ultimately all I need to say in this article – there is nothing wrong with being wrong.

In fact, there’s actually a lot right with being wrong because by being wrong, you can align yourself more closely with the truth and then – because you get out of the ego – you get into the flow of life, and you keep evolving and expanding in a real way that allows you to be more connected to yourself and have better relationships with other people because you’re not going around in circles arguing about things that they don’t really care about.

At the end of the day, most people are not interested in changing their opinions for all of the reasons we talked about – and so, you can ultimately just release yourself from a lot of the unnecessary friction and stress and nonsense that goes on out there in the world about people being obsessed with being ‘right’, because they think that being right somehow makes them a better person.

It doesn’t, which is weird to hear, perhaps because our whole lives we’ve been learning things in school by rote and things like that – thinking that we have to pass our tests and everything, picking up all these facts and stuff like that.

Obviously, it is better to be ‘right’ if you can be, because then you’ve got, the truth on your side to some extent. But what I’m saying is it doesn’t matter that much – or not as much as everyone makes out – because we can always learn more.

All I know is that I know nothing.

If You Argue With an Idiot, It Makes You an Idiot.

The final thing I suppose I want to say here is that there’s an old saying – I don’t know who said it.

They say “If you argue with an idiot, it makes you an idiot”.

This is just a reminder that if you find yourself out there and somebody comes up to you and they’re trying to be ‘right’ about everything, then don’t argue with them. Just let them think that they are right, because there’s no way you’re going to persuade them otherwise anyway and it’s just going to drive you mad.

It’s going to be a waste of time. And arguing with an idiot makes you an idiot, so it’s kind of a dumb thing to do.

And if you are the idiot – no offense – that’s going out there trying to be ‘right’ about everything….well, ask yourself “Why?”.

The answer is almost always going to come down to the same thing: ego ‘stuff’, underlying shame and a need to control life because you’re scared to leap into the great unknown of uncertainty and find out who you really are.

I hope that helps you if you needed it. I know it might be wrong in many ways. That’s cool. But, hope it helps. If anyone wants to talk to me about any of this stuff or anything else, book a call or click the WhatsApp button on this article and you can send me a message.

Let go and grow real!


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Creative Status: Episode 66: Sean BW Paker: Anti-Humanism in the Arts & Growing REAL

Creative Status is a podcast about using creativity as a vehicle for improving your life by deconstructing ego, integrating the shadow self, and designing and manifesting a real life.

Every episode explores how the creative process can help you GROW REAL by moving towards wholeness in yourself by making the unconscious conscious.

Prepare for a thought-provoking episode of Creative Status as we dive into the complex intersection of art, politics, and truth with writer, artist, and musician Sean Bw Parker.

In “Anti-Humanism in the Arts and Growing REAL,” Sean, a British artist, musician, and writer, leads us through a compelling conversation on how politics can obstruct the creative process, often causing art to become a shield against truth rather than a beacon uncovering it.

In-Depth Conversation: Join me (Oli Anderson) and Sean Bw Parker for a comprehensive discussion on cancel culture, creativity, and freedom of speech.

Explore the intricate psychology behind the left/right divide in modern society, unraveling the complexities that impact our creative expressions.

Navigating Cancel Culture: Sean delves into the challenges posed by cancel culture, exploring its impact on the creative landscape and the broader concept of freedom of speech.

Discover how artists navigate these tumultuous waters, striving to remain authentic while facing external pressures.

Psychology of the Left/Right Divide: Uncover the psychological underpinnings of the left/right political divide and its influence on artistic expression, challenging us to reevaluate our approach to truth and authenticity.

Creative Status: Where Truth Confronts Politics in Art

Join us for a conversation that transcends boundaries, challenging the norms of the creative process.

Tune in as they unravel the intricacies of anti-humanism in the arts, inviting you to question, embrace, and grow REAL in the pursuit of authentic creative expression.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson

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Anti-Humanism in the Arts & Growing Real (Show Transcript)

This podcast is about unblocking yourself from self-hypnosis and social conditioning

Intro

Oli Anderson: Oh, hi there – Oli Anderson here. You’re listening to Creative Status. This is a podcast about growing more real, i.e. unblocking yourself from all of the self-hypnosis and social programming and conditioning that you may have been through in life has caused you to become fragmented and divided within yourself.

That sounds like quite a lot, but we’re chipping away at, it day by day, piece by piece, so it’s not quite as painful as it sounds. The whole idea of the podcast is that the creative process is a vehicle for allowing you to do that, because as you follow your creativity wherever it wants to take you, you’re going to become more human in the sense of being more whole, more connected to life, more connected to the way of things.

That is the theme of today’s podcast interview, talking to Sean B. W. Parker, who is a writer, an artist, and a musician. He writes a lot about cultural politics. So this is the most political episode of Creative Status so far, which, was kind of interesting for me, because normally I don’t talk that much about politics, even though a lot of the crazy, unreal bullshit going on in the world that stops us from being real is political.

So it was quite interesting for me to explore all the stuff that I usually talk about on the podcast through that lens. Ultimately, if I was going to sum this conversation up, we’re talking about how art, ah, ultimately, is about making us more human, or it should be in the ideal sense. It allows us to confront the truth about ourselves, about other people, about the world.

But as the world goes crazier and crazier about identity and attaching to ideas of ourselves or about ourselves instead of the experience within ourselves, we found ourselves in this culture where people are actually kind of scared of the truth, and it causes them to hold back and to hide behind their creations instead of to use those creations to uncover and unmask themselves, so that’s the abridged version. It’s a really interesting conversation.

Sean, I’m really, grateful that you reached out and that we, had this conversation, because it’s made me think about things, more deeply than maybe I would have done. So, Sean, thank you to you, everybody else. Hope you enjoy this episode. It’s probably going to piss some people off but just remember, “The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off and make you miserable”. Love to say that.

Anyway, here we go. Thanks a bunch. Boom.

Interview

Oli: Oh, hi there, Sean. Thank you for joining me on today’s episode of Creative Status. This is going to be one of those episodes I feel that could go all over the place, but we’re going to try and bring it down to earth, I suppose, by talking about humanism in the arts.

Before we get into that, do you feel like introducing yourself, letting people know what you’re all about, and also sharing, if you feel like it, what you want to get out of this conversation that we’re about to embark upon?

Sean BW Parker: Yeah, sure – thanks ,Oli. It’s great stuff. I’m Sean B. W. Parker. I’m a writer, artist, musician, and, I write quite extensively in cultural politics, which is what sort of brings me here, speak to you today and I’m very interested in the subject of anti-humanism. Humanism, what’s being done by council culture to the arts in general right now.

Oli: Wow. Okay, that’s awesome. So let’s get right into it. I was thinking about this before we started recording, and I think ultimately, the greatest art, the realest art, or creativity in general, is something that allows us to be more human. It allows us to express our humanity and all of the good and bad things about that to the greatest extent possible so we can understand ourselves, understand each other, and ultimately accept life to a deeper degree and enjoy this crazy human condition a bit more.

So, for me, humanistic art, or art that supports humanism is about that. It’s about helping us to be more human. But there is a kind of thread within our culture which you’ve just alluded to around cancel, culture and all this kind of stuff that is anti-human in the sense that it blocks that expression. So that’s how I’m seeing this. As we segue into the actual conversation, how is your philosophy aligned with the way that I’ve just kind of tried to sum it up before we dive into it.

Sean: Yeah, well, I completely agree with that, essentially. And there are certain reasons behind that and because of it, which are to do with political strategy and political science, of course, if you point this out these days, you get called a conspiracy theorist or far right or whateveris the slate of the day.

And, that’s the problem, because artists used to be the people to point out these things, but now they’re just chucked into, the parallel universe of, whatever’s going on, which isn’t necessarily a bad place to be. It’s just new territory to be discussed.

Oli: Yeah. So I suppose if we break it down to the simplest components, ultimately, this definition that I’ve given of art, has been something that can help us move towards a closer relationship with ourselves and each other. And life ultimately means that art, or creativity, ultimately is a vehicle for uncovering the truth in our relationship with ourselves and allowing that truth to help us have a deeper, connection to other people.

Because only if you’ve got the truth can you build something that’s real – that’s just a logical thing in my understanding of things. Like, if you don’t have the truth, then whatever you’re building with your life is just floating on some castle in the sky and it’s destined to crumble.

So it seems like there’s kind of a contradiction between that fundamental aspect of creating some kind of creative thing, versus the way that the world is relating to truth. And maybe a simple example is comedy.

I think that the reason comedy is so important is because comedians ultimately tell the truth, or they make jokes that allow us to understand the truth to a greater degree. But because people are so sensitive these days, it seems a lot of comedians are, finding themselves in situations where they can’t just joke about whatever they want to joke about, and they have to pander to the crowd more than they may have used to do.

And even though it seems like in the short term, maybe it’s nice, we should be sensitive and all these kind of things, I personally believe if we take the truth out of the equation or we censor our relationship with the truth, then it’s actually holding everybody back.

And even though I’ve just used comedy as an example, it seems like the culture is becoming truth averse. Like we all want to hide from the truth. It seems collectively, at least, and the art and the creative works that have been produced are kind of reflecting that.

So I’m throwing a lot at you, but if you do agree with that, how do you think we ended up in this situation? And more importantly, I guess, what can we do about it?

Sean: Yeah, well, absolutely. Especially when it comes to comedy – if, music is the highest start to which all others, aspire, as has been said before, which I’m up for, because everybody understands how much that will hit you faster than anything else comedy is meant to be the most honest art form, coming from other human beings truths put in a way which is accessible to as many people as possible, and that is what they’re meant to do.

If you get on a stage in Britain, that’s the one place historically you’ve been able to say anything like speaker’s corner, anything that’s in your mind in a way that you can’t necessarily elsewhere.

The freedom of speech isn’t as absolute as people think, but a comedy stage is. That’s been taken away because of postmodernism, sadly. And because post-modernism starts with subjectivity – “Your truth is the truth, as is mine”.

And we have to get those two not even to agree, but to exist in their own space, which is absolutely fine as long as it’s 8 billion agreements, which isn’t politically, doable. And we’re realizing it now. We’re struggling with it and comedy humour, what’s the term is an injury of the left, unfortunately. I don’t want to put it to left right, too much, but it tends to be on the left.

People say that humour is like a defence against the truth or something. That if you laugh at something, it’s because you’re hiding something which is massively, offensive, really. I’m not taking offense, but you know what I mean. It’s offensive to the nature of humour itself and possibly being English, because we’re incredibly cover everything with humour in order to get by. And that’s just been tossed out with everything else, isn’t it?

Oli: Yeah, I love what you just said about postmodernism. This is something that I’ve realised through quite a lot with the work that I do. So ultimately I ramble and I rave and I say a lot of words, but ultimately, I’m always talking about the same thing. And what I’m talking about is, if we want to be happy in life to the greatest extent possible – I don’t believe true, lasting happiness is possible because something is always going to happen – but, anyway, if we want to feel good, if we want to be content, if you want to move towards our potential and feel like a real human being who is moving towards wholeness, then we need to embrace reality, ultimately, or the truth.

We need a foundation of some truth that is going to, allow us to build on solid ground, ultimately. And to do that, it’s often going to ask us to step away from our ego, away from our way of identifying and all of the fragmented ideas that we have picked up in our relationship with ourselves to try and stay in the same. The truth is that life keeps changing.

And, in relation to what you said about postmodernism, I have found quite a few people over the years have disagreed with me when I’ve ultimately said that the truth just is what it is. There’s an absolute truth.

And the postmodernists, they always argue exactly like you kind of posited earlier that I can have my reality or my truth. You can have your truth that they’re all equally valid, that they’re all equally worthy of respect, and that we basically are allowed to just attach to some interpretation of life that feels right to us, which kind of, of course, is within our rights, but we’re allowed to attach to that and nobody else can disagree with it because if they do, they’re going against, our whole worldview and understanding and blah, blah, blah and it’s deeply offensive.

I think that view is actually holding people back. And when people say that I have my truth and you have your truth, what they’re really saying is I have my interpretation because of my own emotional bullshit. You have your own interpretation because of your emotional bullshit. And we’re both clinging to them so we can try and stay the same.

Ultimately, the truth, I believe, is that there’s three sides to every story. There’s my side, there’s your side, and then there’s the truth itself. And only if we understand that can we transcend or let go of our attachment to our interpretations so that we can keep evolving, and we can keep flowing and we can keep moving with life into a deeper appreciation and deeper relationship with life. If we get caught up in this postmodern view – sorry, I’m rambling loads – but if we get caught up in this postmodern view of just clinging to the interpretations like our whole lives depend on them, then we’re stopping ourselves from actually living a real life.

And to me, the truth is always going to be a threat to our interpretations because the truth itself doesn’t need defending. It just is what it is. Nobody has ever argued about the truth. I say all the time, people can only argue about those interpretations.

And if you’re arguing about it, you basically clinging to it for some underlying emotional reason. And that is ultimately the problem. I think it’s why comedians are having this problem. We’re talking about why art, has become super ideological. It’s because people are trying to defend their little interpretations of life as though it’s the truth itself. And so there’s that inner conflict between clinging to something that’s not actually real and constantly trying to deny the truth, which never goes anywhere by masking it behind identity and all that kind of stuff.

So I’ve just thrown loads of stuff at you. That was my big rant for the day. I think I’ve had too much coffee. But how does that fit into, I guess, the way that you’ve experienced things and the way you’ve seen life.

And again, what can we start doing about it, in your view, to help people realize that actually stepping away from these interpretations and not clinging to little snippets of sense and meaning that we’ve just pulled out of our asses, basically, not clinging to that stuff is actually the way to bring us all together, but more importantly, bring us closer to ourselves so that we can actually do that.

Sean: Well, I think you’ve just, kind of hit on a brilliant solution to people’s angst about the postmodern issues that they’re going through in culture, because it’s sort of killing people, spiritually, and they don’t know that because they’re so basted within it.

You’ve just pointed out post politics and post postmodernism, we obviously need a better term from that. But you’re talking about the truth, and we do know what you mean, because you’ll have some twat who turns around and says, yes, but my truth is more important than, oh, yeah, and you’ll go, no, but he’s talking about the thing he’s talking about not talking about from him.

And once people get the good meaning behind what you’re doing, and I mean that in the terms of it has a purity inside it, you’re not trying to hurt anybody. Once people get that and they get that, you’re talking past politics, which is about accidentally hurting others in favour of your own, principle. You’ve gone beyond that, which is the most positive, beautiful thing you can do.

And that’s language of Russell brands and the Joe Rogan’s and the people that are apparently controversial right now, but they’re not because they’re talking what you basically did in their own styles, aren’t they? But they haven’t even gone to this third truth. It’s beyond that, too. So, you’ve hit the nail on the head, and it would be good if we get other people to hear that a bit more.

The only thing we need to do is uncover the truth and then live the truth

Oli: Yeah. So ultimately, then, let’s break it down into the divide between the left and the right, just in a kind of objective way and how people tend to attach to certain points of view as a way of resisting the truth itself. I really, really, truly believe, and I’ve seen it so many times, in my own life, by coaching clients.

The only thing we need to do, regardless of our political persuasion, is to uncover the truth and then live the truth. But for whatever reason, as we go through life and we pick up emotional stuff and we get programmed by society to stop believing in ourselves and all this kind of thing, we become truth resistant.

And changing our lives as human beings, no matter what we believe, actually is about stepping beyond the beliefs that we’ve picked up and attached to as an extension of our ego identity so that we can start flowing with life in this kind of spiritual way you alluded to, instead of just forcing life through what we think we need to know to feel that false security of identity and ego.

So, this is me kind of riffing, but we need to flesh this out a bit. I think when I look at the left, right divide, the left and the right, ah, are both attached to different interpretations of the truth, but they’re coming into the same truth from a different attachment, if that makes sense.

So what I mean is, in general, the human experience, I think when we’re talking about moving towards the truth, is about transcending an unhealthy relationship with our biological wiring. So nature basically, and with our social programming, so nurture.

So ultimately, to live a real life and to get into this flow of the truth, or whatever you want to call it, we have to walk the bridge between nature and nurture in general. When it comes to left versus right, it seems to me the people on the left are super, super attached to the nurture idea.

They believe that if you can just create the right ideological system, then you can basically shape human beings into being literally anything, a magical unicorn, I don’t know, a fairy, literally anything – because ideologically they believe, or, conceptually, that the nurture, which is always a conceptual thing, non-experiential thing, is always the truth.

I personally think that’s bullshit. I think no concept is fully real. And the more attached you become to a concept, the worse your life is going to be. But that’s how the left seems to me. The right, on the other hand, they’ve gone super deep into the nature thing. I believe that nature does come before nurture because nature sets the tone of our lives and the cards we’ve been dealt and what’s possible physically and biologically and all that kind of stuff.

But at the same time, we can transcend an unhealthy relationship with our obsolete biological wiring. We don’t have to be purely driven by instinct and natural impulses and all that kind of stuff, because we can use our ability to think and use concepts to refine our relationship with that, and to make sure that we’re not just living in the short term, but we’re living in the long term, which means we grow into what wholeness and truth and all that kind of stuff.

And so for me, if I look at the political pantomime that is unfolding in the world, you get people that are attached to one or the other, in a very extreme case, as is now unfolding in the culture as a whole. What I think we need to do is to see that both of those have value, but only if you’re using them in a real way. And a real way, for me, means that you’re taking the information from either nature or nurture to move towards a deeper relationship to truth, the absolute truth that I’m talking about, which is really just the experience of flowing with life, realising that we can’t control everything, m navigating uncertainty and chaos so that we can find that, stronger foundation by letting all of our bullshit ideas fall by the wayside.

So again, I’m ranting at, you. Sorry, it seems like I’m just ranting my way throughout this podcast. But what do you think about that? Is that true? And if so, how do we learn from it?

Because I really think I’m not a centrist, but I think left is bullshit, right is bullshit, and we need something more real, and that involves facing ourselves and becoming very aware of this natural, creative flow that is in all of us towards the truth.

Sean: Yeah, well, I think you’re sort of talking towards what everybody is looking for, and it’s not a rant at all. It’s a very good explanation about, what people actually want without probably being able to verbalise it – it’s post left, right.

If we go to like 150 years ago, 200 with Marx on the left, for example, just for easy examples for people not to dissect too much. And Nietzsche on the right from Friedrich Nietzsche – the individual with Nietzsche versus society of Marx and these two opposing things, industrial revolution and commercial revolution and tech revolution, for good reason, to get the rights of people up to where they have been.

And with the Marxist thing, that hasn’t been a success in many countries and the point is that’s done in the sense that loads of people are out of poverty. Not everybody, but loads. And it’s not a thing you can drive forever. So they decided to spanner it all into identity, to try to give that the same currency as economy.

And it doesn’t, it’s just very dangerous, actually, people didn’t expect it to be as dangerous as it has been, but it’s turned out to be very harmful in the way that you would see the psychology of, the impact that has on people when they put in their X (Twitter) bio, “I’m a, trans lesbian of colour, from Mozambique, and I went through child slavery”.

So is that how you want me to treat you, or shall I treat you as the much more complex human being that you actually are? And so what you’re doing is, trying to go to this universal truth that I think that will be very controversial to the militants out there. But it’s not controversial to me because, I’m a humanist in the pure term. And you’re absolutely right.

A cow isn’t going to understand your version of universal truth, but a person speaking Chinese is, I think. I genuinely think. I don’t know what Mr. Chomsky, who’s also a Marxist, would think about that with his theory of universal grammar. But I think he might be inclined to somewhat agree with you.

Oli: Yeah. So how do we start to move in this direction? Because I really think now that what we’re now talking about is just true. I work in my coaching practice to help people basically come around to this way of thinking. And as soon as they do, they’ve got this more solid foundation that I keep referring to. And they can get better results in relation to whatever path they put themselves on in terms of a vision for their life and all that kind of thing.

But in order to transcend that left right dichotomy – that is unreal – we need to reconfigure quite a lot of things in relation to the way we relate to ourselves. And again, you can bring it back to the standard way that the left and the right tend to think.

So in general, I think those on the left, when they’re getting super extreme about it and been militant, they basically think that the government or society at large, some external body, is responsible for their happiness.

On the other side, the people on the right, they kind of take on board an extreme responsibility. In many cases, they’re super independent. They’re outside the system. They’re responsible for their happiness. That is very true – ultimately, we can’t be happy without taking responsibility for our lives. But in both cases, I think it can become too extreme.

And so if you’re really far on the left and you think that everybody else is to blame for your problems, you’ve basically got a personality disorder, I think because you’re just projecting everything outside, and you don’t have any internal locus of control where you’re guiding your life in alignment with your values and your intentions.

The other side of the coin, though, is if you go too far into taking responsibility for your life. Then you become a control freak. And you’re not disordered necessarily, but you become neurotic. You think you can control everything. So the extreme consequence of both of these views is that you’re detached from reality.

And again, there’s a middle ground which leads to the truth I have found, and it’s where you need both. And so the way that I often describe this is you have to sacrifice yourself to create yourself. And so all that means, or a more simple way, is enemy. You’ve got to make your values valuable to others.

And so ultimately, we’re living in a way where we’re sacrificing ourselves in the sense of finding a way to serve the world that’s aligned with our true values. So, for example, with this podcast, right, like, I value creativity. That’s why I got this podcast. This allows me to create, goals for myself and a sense of purpose where I am making my value of creativity more valuable to other people. So I’m sacrificing myself.

That sounds dramatic, but all I mean is I’m using my time, I’m growing, and so on and so forth. I’m pushing beyond my identity and my ego to just put myself on this path of kind of sharing this kind of stuff. I know that sounds really kind of grandiloquent, but at the same time, I’m creating myself by doing that. And so, I’m not just blaming everybody else for my problems, I’m still taking responsibility for my problems.

But I’m not seeing myself as an independent entity in the world or a super dependent entity in the world. It becomes more about interdependence. And so, for me, interdependence is the way into the truth, because the bottom line is, the truth is about wholeness, and that means we’re all connected to each other.

And so whether you’re on the left or the right, if you see yourself as some ego construct that exists as just a separate thing, the ego is the illusion of separation. I think then you can never get to the truth. And so ultimately, there’s this middle ground – if you want to call it that -where you’re merging the strengths and weaknesses of the human being, the darknesses and the light to become more real. Because ultimately, you mentioned Nietzsche in a way, what Nietzsche said, right? It’s about being beyond good and evil, beyond good and bad, beyond judgment. It’s just real.

If you attach yourself to a judgement, you become unreal

And ultimately, if you’re attached to any of these, political polarities that we’re talking about, you’ve attached to a judgment. And as soon as you do that, you become unreal. So it’s about transcending that by creating a purpose and a path for yourself in order to get there.

Sean: Yeah. Ah, that was an excellent, sentence there: “If you attach yourself to a judgment, you become unreal”. That could be our subtitle. It’s fantastic. Absolutely right.

The problem is that society being the market that it actually is, we think it’s about us as humans and we know we’re mistaken. What we’re doing right now is the art of thought. But society operates on the basis of market, and that is a state of adolescence, because they’ve realized that the rock and roll, spirit of the most profitable things that ever happened. Because you’re getting people in the state of angst and energy and liveliness, which are all great fun and exciting, and it’s good to go through them, which is why I’m pro people being able to take drugs if they want, and I’m anti-censorship.

People should go through all that. And once you have, it’s probably not a good place to stay for your entire life because you’ll die early or you’ll get fucked up, which is worse. So it’s like, your thinking has gone to a place of maturity. There’s nothing wrong with that. And that’s not, the problem that the left attaches to the idea of maturity, because the left thinks that maturity is tired, conservative, stale.

There’s nothing off those thoughts at all. It just means calm balance and a place beyond the extremes. What you could do about it? I mean, what I would do, if I were you, to properly write a book, do a podcast and keep talking to decent people. I think you might be doing that. Keep doing it just as I do in the painting and music and whatnot.

When it comes to the ego, there’s nothing wrong with having an ego the size of Mr. Russell brand or, the Donald Trump. Two massive egos of the world. They’re doing what they do. The problem is with Trump is that he’s still attaching the politics to it, because that’s what he does, that’s his nurture.

Brand seems to be post-addiction, going to his own truth and all that, and angry about the system. I’m not angry about the system. I don’t know about you. I’ve been used to it since I was 17. I know what they’re doing. It’s just really cool that people are now able to discuss it – maybe it’s because I’m in my…I’m not, ah, the fire brand about it. But I don’t think I ever have been.

I’m aware of hypocrisy. I know what they do. It’s just, trying to help other people understand that art at its truest form and people’s love. If you want, like, the conversation we’re speaking now, is that the love of thought and truth?

There’s very little irony in what we’re doing here, because that’s what happens when you talk about reality. And, people have a deep thirst for that. That’s the population of, the popularity of, Mr. M. Lex Friedman, for example, and Stephen Pinker. These kind of, you know, I keep chucking names at you, but it’s only for our listeners to have something to hang it on but these people do actually go towards what we’re talking about, and there’s a huge desire for it, and we’re on the right lines and just sort of keep to it.

Oli: I guess when I think about the systems, I don’t get angry. Like, I agree with what you said. I think the system is just other people. And I know there’s an element where with a kind of hierarchy that there’s a system built around there are going to be people at the top, and then people become more corrupt at the top because there’s nepotism and all that kind of stuff. But in general, society is just other people.

And you can’t be angry at this huge vortex we’ve created of our own unconscious volition. I think all you can do is just see that, like with our individual lives, the situation that we find ourselves in often is just, more often than not, is just a consequence of all the choices we’ve made previously.

And so the system that we have now is ultimately just a consequence of all the choices that we have made collectively throughout human history. And I don’t get angry about that because I think it gives us power. I don’t think we need to go out there and start burning down the Houses of Parliament or have a massive revolution or anything like that. We just need to look at ourselves and to ask ourselves where we’ve been real and where we’re not.

And what I’ve found is, even though I think the world is kind of fucked up and the system is broken in many ways and inspiring, we can still have a good life by being real in the way that I’m talking about, which just means uncovering the truth and then living the truth.

And, paradoxically maybe the more of us that do that individually in our own lives, the more leverage we have over the system collectively, if that makes sense. Because ultimately, when we figure out this stuff out… I’m, making it too complicated.

If you look at the world, it is the Gandhi thing, right? Like “Become the change you want to see in the world”, blah, blah, blah.

Most people, when you say, “Right, what do we need to change about the world?” They’re going to start talking about other people. They’ll say, “Right, well, Donald Trump needs to not be president again, and they need to sort this out and they need to sort that out. And I’m sick of all the leftists, I’m sick of all the people on the right, blah, blah, blah, blah”.

No one ever says, “Well, actually I need to take a deep breath. I need to chill the fuck out, and I need to stop attaching to my views that I think are the truth and to just let go and see what I can learn. I need to shift from a position, of certainty to one of uncertainty”.

Like that is true wisdom, right? All I know is that I know nothing. And if I can align myself with that, then probably I’m going to learn something that is going to make me happier. And then if we go through this process individually, then the world has to become more real.

And so I’m, making it complicated, but my view is if we work on this stuff in our own lives, walking that middle ground, transcending good and bad and judgments and unreality that comes with it, that is our contribution to making the system better in the long term. And obviously, if the system gets really bad, like really bad, like where we’ve got a tyrant or something like that, or like a fascist regime or whatever, that’s just making us all live in fear, then maybe there’s a breaking point where we need to resort to violence.

But ultimately it’s not that bad yet. And I don’t think it will be. And I think as long as people wake up from this slumber of just been so attached to their opinions and just thinking that the bullshit they believe is the truth and wanting everyone else to believe the same bullshit, then the world can change and it’ll probably change quicker than people think. But maybe that’s naive, I don’t know. But I think that’s the most logical thing to focus on because that’s the only thing we have control over, our relationship with ourselves.

Sean: Well, absolutely. I can remember at the end of the last century when I was at university and everyone’s talking about this new strange thing called the interweb. And, what’s going to happen is going to be the information century and China is going to rule the world and, well, okay, that information century it is. And here we are in the middle of it, discovering the new currency and warfare of info, which is what’s going on on X and everything else.

It’s better than bloodshed. I’m going to say that. I’m going to say that quite proudly. I’d prefer to be doing this and having what we’re having than, being a Gaza, for example, right now.

But I was just watching the COVID inquiry, on YouTube earlier on with Boris Johnson, trying to apologise for two years ago without telling the truth. And I had this chat in mind. And it’s like, part of me is going, the poor guy, because he’s just a right brain poet, just floundering in a political position there in Boris.

Everyone’s going, “You bad person. You took us into that place and the country did all…whatever was responsible”.

Your listeners are going to decide for themselves about COVID I’m not going to say anything. It’s like everybody’s got their ideas about the origins, but, the fact that we’re surrounded by lies, and those lies are communicated to us for reasons that we’re not aware of. And we can only, presume because we know about the real politic, which we’ve known about since Machiavelli and the ancient Greeks, what people will do to get things done and whether that’s for us to be a, race slave of humans with our alien overlords, you could never say no about anything.

I can’t see the point in speculating on that right now. But I can see Boris Johnson squirming at the thing because he thought he was entitled to be prime minister because of his own, as you might say, ego. And because  the family nurture of a bunch of competitive Tories, in his family, encouraging him to be that did a couple of years, couldn’t get anything done because kept being stopped. And there he is, square B.

But I’ve also heard him recite the first chapter of the Iliad without a book in front of him in Greek. And it’s the most astonishing thing I’ve ever. You know, people have their goods and their bad and their skills, and that’s where he was happy and good. But for some reason, because of ego, he thought, “I need to be prime minister of England for a couple of years”. That’s the love of art I’ve got coming out at the end of what we’re on about here.

Oli: No, but actually, it’s super relevant, because the consequence of people being super attached to their political views on either side, or any views, actually, about anything, the consequence of being super attached to that stuff is that eventually the attachment starts to weigh you down and it becomes something that you identify with. You get the ego situation that we keep talking about, but if you’ve got the ego hanging over you and holding you back, then there’s always going to be some truth about you hidden within the shadow self.

So, for Boris, as a textbook case, based on what you said, his ego was, for whatever reason, that “I need to be this great prime minister, and he was going to go down in history and be remembered, blah, ah, blah, blah”.

Massive anti-climax for him following that path. But actually, there is, an undercurrent of creativity and poetry and beauty and all these kind of things, even in Boris. And probably, like, if he wanted to follow that thread through and see where it led him, it would lead him to a greater expression of those sides of himself that he’s been denying, because have been hidden in the shadow behind his ego.

And, he would probably get better results because he’d be following something that is organically unfolding within him. And he would be happier as well, because he’s not forcing everything through this, egotistical idea that he’s picked up somewhere along the line and identified with.

And every single person out there who is hiding behind some political view to justify that the current version of their ego and the emotional bullshit that they’re trying to hide from every single one of them has something real like that hiding in the shadows.

That’s the travesty, really, of this, attachment that we have to points of view and information. Information. The reason we love it so much is because it gives us a sense of control. We feel like, “Okay, if we have concepts and theories and ideas, we can understand life”, but actually, life itself is chaotic, is constantly moving, it’s constantly evolving. And we can try and hide from that evolution behind information and points of view, and it will give us some short term comfort.

But in the long term, it’s exacerbating the angst that you’re talking about, because angst is just a gap or an existential void between what’s insiders waiting to come up from the shadows and what we’re actually expressing. And so, again, it comes back to this relationship with ourselves. That is the true solution, I think, to – I don’t want to say world peace,  I don’t think that’s possible – but to a more harmonious world where people are, making sure that the gap between inside, inner, and outer is minimized.

And you can only do that by facing the truth, because for most of us, if we caught up in that ego stuff that we’re talking about, for most of us, in the shadow self is the truth. Our relationship with the truth is buried down there, and it’s always trying to surface. And so what we need to do is stop blocking it. And that applies individually and collectively.

There’s an individual shadow that we all have, but there’s a collective shadow. And actually, collectively, our shadow currently involves human nature, chaos, uncertainty, love, to some extent, joy, blah, blah, blah, blah. All of these things are down there waiting to come up. And one by one, I think we need to work on chipping away and let it re emerge. So Boris is a good.

Sean: You know, you’re kind of hinting towards this place to come, and I think that, if a lot of people aren’t there, then they’re going towards it. Having difficulties in life does tend to hasten this on a little bit. And almost all of us have had these difficulties which do help for absolute. And, the experience that Boris has had there, just for our easy example, would hopefully help him.

Everybody does deserve love, and they do, actually deserve the enlightenment that you’re speaking about as well, because you are talking about enlightenment. And it’s like he deserves that as anybody else does. Whatever they’ve done, Jesus and the John Lennon in me does say that whatever anybody has done, they do deserve that chance of enlightenment, too, and wherever that leads them, heaven, et cetera, who knows?

Oli: Yeah. I’m, so happy you said that, because ultimately, what goes up must come down. That’s what I always say, right?

Like, eventually you can live in all these castles in the sky, hiding behind concepts and illusions. And the ego, which just isn’t a big unreal illusion, you can only take it so far before reality or the truth comes sweeping back in and you lose those illusions. And it’s so true.

Like, in my life and in loads of people, the lives of loads of people I’ve known, hitting rock bottom has been the best thing that ever happened, because it’s exactly like you said, it brings the truth back into your life. When you hit rock bottom, you never lose anything real. You just lose the illusions that you were trying to fight to keep in place before the shit hit the fan.

And so, collectively, let’s say the worst case scenario, like, very dramatic for comedic purposes, I guess. Worst case scenario, society collapses. Everything just goes horribly wrong. And basically, it’s like a big reset button. We go back to ground zero.

When that happens, in this hypothetical example, we would all be asked to face our illusions. And when we do that down there at rock bottom, the only thing we could do is just see the futility of them, let go and start building something real. And the realest truth is, like you said, that we’re all worthy of love. The truth and love are basically the same thing.

Like, truly, that’s just how I’ve seen it. And so anything that keeps you from the truth, keeps you from love. And that’s why so many people are fighting for all these crazy views and opinions that they’ve got. They’re scared to love themselves. They’ve been conditioned to believe that they don’t deserve it. They’re fuelled or driven by shame and guilt and trauma, which is what keeps the ego in place in the first place – and social programming is saying that if you do love yourself is selfish.

But ultimately, whether you fly sky high and see the truth, or you hit rock bottom and you see it, it’s the end result: you’re worthy of love. And if you don’t understand that then you’re going to constantly be running around on the hamster wheel of fighting for all these crazy opinions and judgments that are holding you back from the truth.

Sean: You are correct.

Oli: So I’ve been running and raving at you for 40 minutes already. I feel like this episode should have been a few hours – but how would you sum up what we’ve talked about so far? I suppose, if that’s even possible. What is the main lesson from this conversation? And, if you have a website or something, can you let people know what it is so they can get in touch?

Sean: Yeah, no – much more interesting than how to get my stuff is our little 40 minutes content. It’s just wonderful  our art is the thing, and even Boris doing his Iliad, is his art, and Mr. Trump’s  manipulation of the media, in his way, is his.

And if you can see past your own ego and prejudices into the love that these people are trying to share, because the riches and stuff are not about that – it’s the person that they are. And that can be applied to everybody because these people are only lightning rods, aren’t they? Everyone can see people that they love and hate in them and that’s what they’re there for. There are gestures and, what you’ve been told, what we’ve been heading towards is this third place without any smugness or arrogance or. We’re better than that. It’s just going. It’s a place that you can see coming because this is unsustainable.

And, we’re only living at 75% at best, aren’t we? And we can be up to 95. I’m never going to say 100 because I’m not an absolutist. But we can be definitely to 95% of our capabilities, at least this century. Let’s see what happens, because there is always – I’ve been through terrible shit and I’m sure that you have too and our listeners – so it’s like that is in the pocket and there’s always things to do and as long as you keep your head on and, yeah, great stuff can come out of, the most difficult of circumstances, for sure.

Oli: Wow. So have you got a website or anything that people can go to?

Sean: Oh, yes, yes. Lovely. If people would like to, hit the Google and search Sean BW Parker. “Sean BW Parker”. And get my books there on Amazon – I’ve got the nine books up there of cultural theory and stuff like we’re talking. And, if you’re into the musical bent, then go to Spotify and do the same thing. They can get one of my six or so albums and if they’re into news, they can come to X, Twitter and, Yeah, it’s all under Sean BW Parker. I’ve got the same name everywhere.

Oli: Right, well, I’ll share some of the links in the show notes and a shout out to your music. I was watching it on YouTube. It was awesome. It was like a shoegaze kind of thing or something like that. But I was super into that – so, Sean, thank you so much. This has been a good one. Appreciate your time and, stay real out there, sir. Thank you.

Sean: You too, Oli. Brilliant stuff.


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Sexual Transmutation and Vision: Harnessing Your Inner Fire

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The transmutation of sexual creative energy for REALNESS in life and relationships.

Oh, hi there.

In this short article we’re going to explore the idea of sexual alchemisation or transmutation – what it is and what you can do to make the most of it.

Now, that might sound really pretentious, and quite grandiloquent, but all it really means is that you take your energy, which can be either ‘negative’ or ‘positive’, and you ultimately transmute or transform it so that the energy becomes something that is going to carry you where you need to be in life.

Now, you can actually do this with any kind of emotional, energetic thing that’s going on inside you, but it means that you have to work with it in a REAL way (surprise, surprise – REAL ALWAYS WORKS) – it also means that you need to know where you’re going to be directing those energetic impulses and instincts and so on in the first place.

I’ve seen a lot of people make the mistake of trying to be really mindful, shall we say, with their emotional ‘stuff’, but actually, they don’t have anywhere to send it – so it just ends up causing more problems, because it just ends up ricocheting within their experience of themselves, causing inner friction, and then stopping them from moving forward, because it just exacerbates all of the emotional problems and bullshit and stuff that they got going on inside.

In other words:

Unless we learn to control our creative/sexual energy by channelling it into something real, then it becomes DESTRUCTIVE.

Anyway, a really simple example of what I’m talking about is the idea of sexual transmutation.

Now, “sexual transmutation” really sounds kind of esoteric if you’re not familiar with the term, but all it means is that you hold your sexual energy and you learn to control your sexual energy and to direct your sexual energy so that it doesn’t end up ruining your life.

And all that means, ultimately, is that instead of reacting to it, instead of reacting to any horny impulse or urge that arises within you, you actually learn to kind of stop and to be mindful and, to respond to what’s going on inside of you in relation to how you want the outside of you to eventually look.

Now, I do this all the time in my own life. I’ve been doing this for about ten years. The way that it shows up for me just means that I don’t really jerk off – sorry if that’s too much information for some of you, but, basically, that just means I don’t jerk off, don’t look at porn, any of that stuff.

Instead, I just hold my energy until I’m actually having sex with another human being. Or – if I’m not – well, I’m using that energy as a kind of electric undercurrent, which I direct into all of the things that I’m doing in my life so that I can be more creative, more energetic, more buzzed up, and feel more alive as I’m moving forward and getting where I want to be.

I really think and have found that saving and working with our sexual energy allows us to live in alignment with the unforced rhythms of life itself and to work with it, instead of against it.

Because, actually, one mistake that I think a lot of people make when it comes to these ideas is that they try to control their energy, but they don’t really have a plan for where it’s going – and that makes it a lot harder for them, like I think said, because it just ends up causing you to have all this inner friction and this inner resistance, because you’re just holding all of this ‘stuff’ inside you and you don’t have an outlet for it (this is because we fear the energy and so we hold it without using it).

In other words, once again, without a creative outlet, your energy will destroy your life.  

And so, eventually, you’re just going to drive yourself mad and probably fail in your endeavour to hold on to the sexual energy in the first place.

Of course, you can’t literally hold onto it because it’s always moving. And that’s why you need to do something with it. You need to create something.

And, ultimately, all I want to say here is that you can make life a million times easier and more REAL for yourself if you’re trying to transmute any of the energy inside you – and it doesn’t just have to be sexual stuff:

It can be your anger; it can be your aggression; it can be your drive – i.e. your natural drive to be alive and to experience things.  All of these things and more are in there calling to you and trying to direct your life.

If you stop and pause and treat it as a kind of wild horse that needs to be tamed so you can then ride it wherever you need to be, if you can do that, then you will actually grow as a person exponentially.

Not only will you grow REAL but your life will be a lot better as well, because you’re not just a slave to your body and your drives. You’re taking them where you want to go.

Two Paths to Sexual Transmutation: Vision & Intimacy

There are two ways that you can direct the energy:

One is that you direct it into your life in the way that I was kind of talking about  – that just means you do all the stuff I’ve talked about a million times already on this website and in my books, or in my free course, the Personality Transplant for Realness & Life Purpose, which is that you create a vision for yourself, then you break it down into goals, then you break it down into habits, and then –  every day –  you’re transmuting your energy into the structure that you build around this.

When you do this you’ll find yourself seeing things grow over time and the creative sexual energy is being used as something that serves your life, not just something that pops up in your life, randomly here and there, and which takes you off the path that you want to be on.

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This article is based on a transcript from this video over on my YouTube Channel.

So that’s one way, right? You have a vision, and you move yourself towards it through inspired action day-after-day.

There is one little caveat which is this: you can’t just choose a random vision. You have to kind of go through a process of raising Awareness of who you are, what you truly value, and what you’re all about, how life works, all that stuff.

Accepting yourself unconditionally and then taking inspired Action are the next steps after this Awareness raising (Awareness, Acceptance, and Action works every time).

You don’t just want to take action for the sake of it, because that becomes a distraction – it needs to be inspired action, which means it’s real to you, and it’s going to allow you to move towards wholeness.

Another way of describing the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action is that first you need to deconstruct your ego ‘stuff’ (Awareness).

This just means that you look at your identity and how it’s holding you back. If you want to do that, check out the course I just mentioned, the Personality Transplant. Or check out my book, Personal Revolutions, which is about deconstructing the ego in great detail.

The second step – after you’ve kind of looked at your ego stuff and how that is affecting you – is to see what parts of yourself the ego has been hiding from view.

What we’re talking about here is about Integrating the Shadow Self – the way that this works is you get shamed when you’re younger, or you may feel guilty or traumatised, whatever, and then you create this little box to live in as a reaction to that, the ego.

But when you do that, you disown so many parts of yourself, and you need to bring those parts up and start facing them and accepting them unconditionally before you create a vision for your life if you want that vision to be REAL.

The goals is to bring the Shadow Self to the surface as much as possible and start accepting yourself and life unconditionally – only then you can start designing and building and manifesting (if you want to do that), or creating, a vision for yourself about where you want to go.

If you create the vision before doing those other two steps (Deconstructing Ego/ Awareness & Integrating Shadow/Acceptance), you’re probably going to be chasing something that’s not real, that’s not authentic to you.

And so, they’re three really important steps: Deconstruct Ego, Integrate Shadow, Build a REAL Life.

Either way, you need some kind of a vision, some kind of a direction to move in so that when you’ve got all this creative sexual energy boiling beneath the surface and you’re trying to channel it into your life, you know where it’s going to go – that might be the habits, it might be the goals, might be creating the vision in the sense of refining it, all that kind of stuff.

Sexual Transmutation - Realness Guide
Click here to open up a (free) PDF guide to the ideas shared in this article so you can implement them.

If you’re a single person or you’re not interested in other people, in an intimate way, then that is basically all you need to do – create the vision, etc.

If you’re with another person or you have other people in your life that you are interested in and you’re doing things with, well, you can channel your energy, obviously, into growing more real and more intimate with those people.

And basically what that looks like is obviously having mind blowing, amazing sex where you become one and you’re getting closer to wholeness and all that kind of stuff.

But also it means that on a daily basis, or as often as possible, you and that other person are able to take the energy that’s there and to basically play with it.

Now, how that sense of play shows up is going to be different for everybody. But what that means is that there’s a kind of undercurrent to everything you’re doing that allows you to be spontaneous and the electric charge between you allows you to stay in this process of growing whole and not being held back by all of the fragmentation and bullshit that it’s going to cause the energy to direct you instead of allowing you to direct the energy.

If you’re doing the sexual transmutation thing or you’re trying to better control your energy in general, then if you have a direction to move in, or if you have a relationship to commit to, when it comes to growing in intimacy, it will make it 100 million times easier because you’re not going to create enough friction for yourself, life is going to be awesome, and you’re going to be charged up, pumped up, and electrified.

This is basically how you transmute your sexual energy so you can flow with the rhythms of life instead of forcing your own rhythm and bringing friction, frustration, and misery.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to work on growing real and putting yourself on the path to a life vision that fires you up then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you get moving.

Hacking the Unconscious Mind: A Psychological Hack for REALNESS

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Changing Your Life by Using a Psychological Hack to Work With Your Unconscious Mind Instead of Against It.

Oh, hi there.

In this article, I’m going to give you a psychological hack that will change your life if you implement it.

Why would you need this hack?

Well, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re constantly running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get certain results in life, but those results are forever out of reach, then this hack is going to help you.

It’s going to help you to dig into your unconscious intentions and to step away from the surface level way of seeing and viewing things by helping you to DIG DEEPER so that you can reset or reconfigure what’s going on down in the depths of yourself and allow something real to surface.

Without using this ‘hack’, you’re just going to end up rearranging the furniture on the titanic whilst it still sinks because you’ll only be dealing with the SYMPTOMS, not the FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM (which is always a disconnection from your own realness).

In other words, without this hack you’ll feel like you’re chasing things and making progress but actually you’ll only running on the spot – because the things that you’re chasing are, not something that you want as much as you think you want. They’re just an extension of your ego as you attempt to fill the void (which is the illusion of disconnection).

So why would you want to implement this hack that I’m about to share with you?

It’s quite simple: A lot of people out there in the world – and you may be one of them – find themselves in situations where they’re constantly chasing something and they can never quite find it.

So, for example, maybe you’re chasing your dream relationship; maybe you’re trying to get more money; maybe you have some kind of a goal for your business or whatever it is, and…it just never happens.

A lot of the time we think that the core problem in attaining whatever it is that we want is that there’s some external thing, force or factor out there in the world that is preventing us and holding us back from acquiring or attaining whatever it is.

So, for example, in the case of relationships, we will just say to ourselves something like, “The world is going to hell, everyone’s a degenerate, and there’s only low quality men/women out there and it’s impossible to find a partner. Everyone’s so selfish and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

That’s an example of some externalised bullshit thing, and – if you externalise everything – you take your power out of your hands.

With the ‘money’ thing, maybe it’s the same thing, right?

You’ll say, “Well, there’s some external force out there in the world, the illuminati or whatever, and they’re holding me back from making money. And we live in an economy that’s fuelled by scarcity and yada, yada, yada. And I’m just always going to be poor.”

And so the externalisation of your goal basically puts you in a frame of mind where you’re never going to get it.

But here’s the truth:

Ultimately, the problem is not just the externalisation, but the fact that the externalisation is affecting the results that you get. And the results that you get are always showing you what you are actually choosing at an unconscious level.

This is where this ‘stuff’ gets a little bit offensive to some people but that’s what the truth often does (“The truth will set you free (but first it will piss you off and make you miserable”).

But ultimately, in these two examples that I just picked to pieces, if you can’t find your dream partner – even though you’re telling yourself that’s what you want – there is something going on inside you deep down where your actual, real intention is not to find your dream partner. And we’ll dig into that in a minute.

With the money thing, as, counterintuitive as it sounds – because obviously, we all love money, it makes life meaningful (joke) – if you can’t bring money into your life, well, for some reason, you are choosing not to, even though at the conscious level of the mind and the ego, you’re telling yourself that is your intention.

Actually, the reason these things keep staying out of grasp is because, when you dig into it, you’ll find at some level, you are choosing something else more than the relationship or the money.

The ‘hack’ that we’re about to talk about is about learning to understand that is that we can reverse engineer and figure out our REAL CHOICES that we’re making (unconsciously) by the results that we’re getting.

In other words, we’re going to learn to start looking inside ourselves and saying, “Hang on, what the hell is going on here to cause me to think and to tell myself one thing, but to choose the opposite?”

I’m going to give you some examples.

So, let’s start with some examples of imaginary people that sum up some kind of common ways this shows up in the world.

So let’s say, for example, the first person is an individual called Susie (just pulled that out of my ass):

For the last decade, Susie has either been single or in a bad relationship that didn’t last very long. And, on those long, lonely nights where she sat at home watching Netflix and eating Cheetos, she keeps telling herself that she does want a relationship.

The little hamster wheel in her head keeps thinking about relationships and how good life would be if she could get in a relationship. And then every so often, somebody comes along who seems like they might be a good fit. But as soon as they get involved with each other, Susie starts inexplicably becoming hypercritical and pushing these people away. Or, she can’t help but just focus on their flaws to the extent that she becomes totally turned off.

And then after a couple of weeks, couple of months, whatever is, the relationship kind of dwindles and dies. And poor Susie is back at home watching Netflix with all that Cheeto, dust over her mouth.

So that’s not good, is it?

Or maybe there’s another imaginary character called Bob who wants to start his own business. And he keeps telling himself that he’s going to be really successful. He’s going to do whatever it takes to get this business up and running so that he can make loads of money and support his family or wherever he wants to do.

And, he kind of knows the way forward: he’s created a business plan and a vision, and he’s done some market research and so on and so forth.

But, for some reason, when it’s time to go out there and start talking to potential clients or to communicating with people about his ideas, he always finds something else to do.

For example, maybe he just goes and spends time on social media telling himself that this is “research” or that he’s finding new ways to connect with people or some other BS story.

But ultimately, even though he keeps telling himself every morning when he wakes up that “today is the day” he’s going to actually fix his business and get where he needs to be, he just keeps procrastinating. He never gets anywhere. And even though he’s telling himself the same old story again and again and again, he starts to feel a bit insane because nothing ever changes.

Or what about this final example?

We have an imaginary woman or called Melissa and she’s a little bit overweigh and she doesn’t want to be because it’s taking too much energy – she can’t get up the stairs quite as fast as she used to without getting out of breath; she’s becoming insecure about the way that she looks, and she’s worried that people are secretly judging her as she walks down the street and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So she keeps telling herself that she’s going to go to the gym and she’s going to lose weight, she’s going to watch her diet, and that she’s making a choice for a healthier lifestyle so she can lose some weight and start to feel good about herself but – for some unknown reason -nothing ever changes:

She goes to the gym and she just kind of goes through the motions. She doesn’t really put any effort in or push herself to the edge, so her heart rate doesn’t go up, and she doesn’t burn any calories. And, when she does go home because she’s been to the gym, she ends up stuffing her face with whatever it is – some kind of a food reward that she feels she deserves.

And so six months into this exercise regime, despite this health and fitness program that she’s put herself on, nothing has changed – even though she’s been telling herself, keeps telling herself that she wants to make these changes, she’s just as overweight as she was and so she feels like banging her head against the wall.

What is going on in these examples?

A Mini Psychological Hack for Getting What You Want: Reverse Engineer Your Complaints

So, before we get onto the main ‘hack’, here’s a little ‘mini-hack’ that’s going to show you how to know if you have this kind of issue going on in your life:

The key here is to know that if you keep complaining about something, if you keep lamenting about something, then probably you have this kind of inner conflict that we’re talking about where you’re telling yourself you want something, but for some reason, there is something else going on inside you that is actually causing you to choose either the opposite or something else.

And the reason that complaining is a sign is because, ultimately, if you keep complaining about something, it means you’re keeping a problem in your life but you’re choosing not to solve it.

If you truly become aware of a problem and you truly accept what a problem is, then you will either do something about it and no longer have the problem, or you will just have to accept that it’s a fundamental part of life and reality. And so by going through the process of moving towards acceptance, you’ll no longer have anything to complain about (and, thus, the ‘problem’ dissolves).

And so complaining constantly about the same thing – not finding a relationship, not being able to lose weight, not being able to make money, or whatever it is – complaining constantly and chronically is a sign that your ego is invested in this story about a certain goal and a certain desire but – deep down beneath the surface of yourself – you have an inner conflict that is causing you to choose something else for some reason.

Stop and think about it now for a second:  what are you always complaining about?

The odds are very high that if you’re always complaining about it, then in some weird, backwards way, you’re choosing it, and you need to figure out why, so that you can put yourself on a real path and actually either resolve whatever it is that you’re complaining about or to let it go, because you accept that you don’t really want to change things (which is totally fine, btw).

You Can Reverse Engineer Your Real Intentions for Yourself and Your Life by the Results that You Keep Getting.

So this is where we come on to a deeper exploration of the main psychological ‘hack’ that I promised you at the start of this article:

It’s very simple. And ultimately it’s this:

You can reverse engineer your real intentions for yourself and your life by the results that you keep getting.

Let’s look at the examples we already explored:

If you consistently can’t find a relationship – that’s the result that you’re getting – then it just means that your true, unconscious intention is NOT to be in a relationship at some level – no matter what you’re telling yourself at the level of the ego (your constructed identity and all of the stories that you feed through it about life).

And I know that’s going to piss some people off because, of course, if you’re telling yourself you want a relationship and you’re going out there and you’re getting involved in all kinds of, unsavoury situations with people because you’re “trying to get in a relationship”, then of course you want a relationship.

So I’m probably chatting BS, right?

But no…if you consistently get the result of not getting the relationship that you want, then you’re choosing this result deep down for some reason – and this psychological hack of reverse engineering from the results is going to allow you to free yourself because when you understand why you have that deeper intention for something else then you can flip the script and start changing things.

(This deeper intention could be anything, and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that because it’s unconscious so it’s not really your “fault” or anything, but it is still your desire, your true intention, even though it’s unconscious).

It’s the same with all of these results that I’ve given as example:

If you keep saying that you want to get more money from your business or whatever but it never happens and you’re just running around on the hamster wheel for years and years and years, then you don’t really want that (shock! Horror!) – at some level you have the intention for something else more and you need to dig inside yourself to figure out what that might be.

It’s the same with losing weight or anything (like literally anything):

If you keep telling yourself that you want a certain thing – you want to lose weight in this example now – and it doesn’t happen, then you need to ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really want? I’m telling myself I want to lose weight. But when I dig down into my shadow and to the parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself behind ego, what is actually going on?”

And that is the psychological hack again: 

The results that you get consistently, no matter what you’re telling yourself, actually show you what you are choosing deep down, more than whatever it is that you ‘think’ you want.

And that doesn’t mean that these things are ‘bad’ or that you’re chasing things that you shouldn’t be chasing. It just means that you haven’t actually done any work around inner awareness and acceptance of yourself to see what is actually driving your motivation more than – and that’s the key “more than” – whatever it is that you think you want.

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This article is based on a transcript from this video (check out my YouTube Channel).

If you’re not getting the results that you want then you need to be increase Awareness, cultivate Acceptance, and then take inspired ACTION

So let’s talk quickly about what you need to do once, you become AWARE of this hack – that’s always the first step: Awareness.

I’m always talking about the same thing: Awareness, Acceptance and Action (any transformational journey will require that you walk through these three steps).

If you’re not getting the results that you want, then ultimately you need start by becoming more aware be aware – in this case, of not getting the results you want, it starts by becoming aware of the fact that this is because you are (deep down in the unconscious) choosing something else MORE.

And it doesn’t matter what you’re telling yourself – the little voice in our head is just our social programming, our self-hypnosis, our response to our own emotional bullshit and stuff going on deep down inside ourselves and it’s just a surface level relationship with ourselves…it’s not REAL (“the ego is the opposite of reality”).

But there is a deeper level relationship that we all have – the most real relationship – and it is always driving our lives.

And so if you want to know more about this real relationship, you need to go through that first step that I shared with you of flipping the script and saying to yourself, “Right, these are the results I keep getting. Why might I be choosing that at some level?”

To get to the next level and go through the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action, you simply need to start asking yourself the right questions so that you can dive deep into yourself and really get a grasp of why you in particular – based on what you’ve been through, your life story, who you are, etc. – why you in particular would have some kind of unconscious intention for something else.

So let’s say, for example, in the examples I gave earlier, the first person I think was an imaginary human being called Susie or something like that, whatever her name was,  kept telling herself that she wanted a relationship, but as soon as somebody came along, she would become hypercritical and she would push them away.

And so, just as an example, the story that she’s telling herself about what she thinks she wants, what she thinks she has chosen, is actually being overridden outside of her awareness with a deeper desire she has for freedom, let’s say – because when she was younger her parents were always arguing about little things and so on and so forth, and so she is paranoid about getting in a relationship, that’s also going to be fuelled by that kind of negativity (this is based on her imaginary life story).

So – as a protective barrier – she started getting critical and pushing people away so that she can maintain her freedom and not have to relive that experience from her childhood.

Maybe that’s all bullshit, right? I’ve just literally pulled that out of my ass. But the point is, there is some overriding desire that is driving you more than whatever it is that you keep telling yourself you desire but don’t get.

So in the case of Susie, she actually desires freedom more than a relationship, even though -for whatever reason (maybe because she just wants to fit into society and she thinks it’s what she’s supposed to do) – she keeps telling herself that’s what she wants.

In the example of, Bob, who is working on his business, he keeps telling himself that success is what he really wants:

“Okay, I want my business to succeed so I can provide for my family, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

But deep down, he doesn’t want his business to succeed:

There’s an overriding, desire for that because that’s his unconscious intention and it’s driving his life. And it might simply be because his dad, when he was a kid, was always away at work so Bob felt neglected and unloved and so he doesn’t actually want to replicate that relationship with his own kids.

And so, even though he feels like the best thing to do is to start his own business and to be successful, he actually has a stronger desire to just spend time with his kids. And, so ultimately there’s some kind of an inner conflict, but based on the results that he’s getting, that inner desire, the unconscious intention to simply just spend more time with his kids and not be so busy like a workaholic or whatever, that is actually overriding his choices and the things that he actually decides to do in life.

(Even though, ironically, if he could find a way – in this hypothetical example – to make his business work, then eventually he could spend more quality time with his kids because maybe they’ll have more money so he could pay people to work on his business or whatever)

The point is this (and it’s the same for anybody with this problem):

Even though he’s telling himself one story, there is something going on that is making him choose not to succeed in the way that he is telling himself he wants, and so he ends up writing a totally different story instead.

In the final example Melissa – who keeps telling herself she wants to lose weight and she just can’t do it – well, again, as offensive as it may seem to some people, there is something going on inside her where she is telling herself that she wants to lose weight, but deep down her real intention is not to.

It could be something really simple:

For example, maybe she’s worried that if she, does lose weight, then she’s suddenly going to be more attractive to the opposite sex. And then she’s just going to have loads of guys flinging themselves at her. And she’s actually insecure because she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable because she’s never really been in a relationship or whatever it is.

And so again (in this hypothetical example), her fear has has created an unconscious intention where she wants to be alone so that she actually can choose not to face her vulnerabilities and to grow towards intimacy in a relationship.

These are all just examples, but the point is that there will be something going on inside you exactly like this if you have this kind of problem.

If you’re constantly running around in circles, never getting anywhere and never making any changes in your life, then it’s purely because at some level there is something in you that is causing you to choose NOT to get whatever it is that you think you want – and all you need to do really, to start solving this problem and unblocking yourself, is to raise awareness of what this “something” might be.

If you raise awareness of it, you start to look at it head on. It’ll start to dissolve. But then – more importantly – once you go to awareness, you can accept it. And only if you accept it can you start to truly flip the script by replacing that intention with something real or, modifying the way that you go about ACTING on it.

When you get here, you can increase your odds of getting whatever it is that you think you want by upgrading it to something that you actually want.

Implementation: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action (It Works Every Time)

So, that was a lot of examples but let me quickly conclude and review by exploring a little more about the three-step process that is going to allow you to implement this psychological hack: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

To raise AWARENESS, you need to use the hack that we’ve been talking about, which is, to reverse engineer the real intentions that are driving you and bubbling away beneath the surface of your ego and your relationship with yourself.

Like we said, you can reverse engineer by looking at the RESULTS you keep getting that you don’t want or that you keep complaining about.

If you do this then you can become more AWARE literally right now. That sounds very dramatic but it’s true: become aware that if you keep complaining about things, nothing is changing, then at some m level you are choosing it.

This awareness is the gateway to setting yourself free.

I may be painful in the short term, but – believe it or not (try it and find out!) –  in the long term, it’s going to put you on this path to changing things.

So that’s the first step. Awareness: reverse engineer based on the results you keep getting.

The second step after raising this awareness is that you need to ACCEPT whatever that real intention is.

And so ultimately, all you need to do is to ask yourself the right questions:

“Why might I, me – based on my experience and the things that I’ve been through – why might I have this unconscious intention for not getting what I keep telling myself what I think I want? What do I want even more that I’m actually chasing?”

And the key thing to remember here when it comes to acceptance is that “acceptance” ultimately means you’re going to be uncovering some truth – some reality –  about what’s going on inside you.

And, the thing with truth/reality is the only thing that you can do with it is ACCEPT it. You can’t judge it – if you start judging it, you’re taking yourself out of reality

The reason I’m saying this is because the only thing you need to do with your unconscious intention is to figure out what it is – based on reverse engineering those results – and then accept it without any judgment.

Like I said, an unconscious intention is still your intention, whether you’re initially aware of it or not. But it’s not something that you can judge or blame yourself for or you need to feel bad about.

If you have been saying yourself that you want a certain thing, but there’s something going on inside you that’s actually causing you to choose the opposite of that…well, it’s because of what you’ve been through; it’s because of the story that you’ve already lived and the way that you’re relating to it, based on your shame, guilt and trauma and all your underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that’s caused you to live in a little box (aka the ego).

And so the final point is this: just accept it. That’s all you need to do. Don’t judge yourself, accept it.

Once you have this ACCEPTANCE, then you have a solid foundation so that you can move on to the third stage, which is taking ACTION.

In this case, the action is twofold:

  1. You either need to modify your relationship with the thing that you originally thought you wanted by realising that you’ve got this unconscious block getting in the way and then readjusting the plan that you’re going to implement as you move towards it.
  2. You can replace the unconscious intention with a totally different intention. And all that means is that you ask yourself, “Okay, what do I really want? What is my vision for my life? What are my true values? What are my true intentions? And how do they conflict with what I have just uncovered about myself?”

    And then basically what you need to do is to train yourself – and I’ve got some other articles etc. about that on this site or a free 7-Day Course here – train yourself to think in alignment with the higher intentions and to not let this unconscious ‘stuff’ hold you back when it doesn’t need to.

So that is basically we need to say about this hack and how you can use it:

You look at the results that you keep getting that you don’t want and you find yourself complaining about chronically and consistently with nothing ever changing.

Then you can say to yourself now, “Okay, this is actually a sign that at some level, for whatever reason – and whatever reason that may be is fine – I am choosing not to acquire or to achieve or to attain whatever it is that I keep telling myself I need to be bringing into my life.

On a day-to-day practical level, this hack will and can change the game for you and it’s very simple and will cut out a lot of wasted time and energy because you won’t be running around in circles trying to change things that are out of your control.

The only thing ultimately any of us have power over, is our relationship with ourselves and so if you go through the process of AWARENESS – of understanding, that you can reverse engineer the results to figure out what you’re really choosing –  ACCEPTANCE (of whatever actually has caused you to choose something else or whatever it is that you are choosing instead more than what you think you want), and then ACTION in the sense of modifying your intentions and actions or replacing the unconscious intention with something else, you stand a much higher chance of getting where you want to be in life, feeling good, growing real and having a good time whilst you’re here.

Ultimately, we’re all going to die and so you might as well make sure that what you’re actually spending your time out there in the world running around chasing is something that you really want.


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Creative Status: Episode 65: Jamil Higley: Emotional Intelligence, Trust, and REALNESS

Creative Status is a podcast about using creativity as a vehicle for improving your life by deconstructing ego, integrating the shadow self, and designing and manifesting a real life.

Every episode explores how the creative process can help you GROW REAL by moving towards wholeness in yourself by making the unconscious conscious.

Unveiling Truths: Emotional Intelligence, Trust, & Realness with Jamil Higley

Embark on a transformative journey with Creative Status as we delve into the realm of Emotional Intelligence, Trust, & Realness with Emotional Self-Awareness Coach Jamil Higley.

Join us for a free-flowing conversation where Jamil, a woman on a mission, shares insights from her 20+ years of experience, unveiling the truth about mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

Meet Jamil Higley: On a mission to share the transformational power of emotional intelligence, Jamil, a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC) and Associate Certified Coach (ACC), believes that every individual is an Enlightened FKN Baller™!

She guides people from awareness to action, challenging perspectives and providing tools to shed limiting beliefs.

From Awareness to Action: Jamil shares how emotional intelligence becomes a catalyst for personal transformation.

Discover how awareness evolves into actionable steps, challenging your perceptions of what’s possible and paving the way for a more authentic, REAL existence.

Trust the Process: Uncover the importance of trust in the journey towards mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Jamil explores the delicate yet powerful interplay between trust and self-discovery, inviting listeners to trust the process of unveiling their own truths.

Creative Status: Where Truth Sparks Transformation

Tune in to explore the transformative power of emotional intelligence, the role of trust in self-discovery, and the pursuit of realness for better mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

This episode is your invitation to live authentically and embrace the truths that lead to profound transformation.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson

—————————–

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Show Transcript: Emotional Intelligence, Trust, & Realness

This podcast is about using the creative process to improve your life.

Intro

Oli Anderson: Oh, hi there. Oli Anderson here – you’re listening to Creative Status. This is a podcast about using the creative process as a vehicle for improving your life by allowing it to make the unconscious conscious so you can face yourself fully and remove any blocks between yourself and a deep experience of living life as it is meant to be lived.

That sounds very nice, I’m sure, but we like to try and make it practical. Today’s conversation is an exploration, ultimately, of, the process that we need to go through in order to be able to navigate the kind of thing that I’m talking about.

It’s an interview with Jamil Higley, who is a coach who helps people to develop emotional intelligence. The conversation itself, very free flowing, but we cover a lot of the most important topics, I think, when it comes to this kind of thing, which are beliefs, awareness, acceptance, trust flowing, etc, etc.

Won’t say too much as the conversation’s about to come up, but this is a good one. Jamil, thank you so much for your time. Everybody else, hope you get some value out of this and it helps you to keep moving in the way that you want to. Here we go. Boom.

Interview

Oli: Oh, hi there, Jamil. Thank you so much for joining me on today’s episode of Creative Status.

I have a feeling that the conversation we’re about to embark upon could go literally anywhere, and I think that’s going to be a good lesson in not having expectations and assumptions about things and just going with the flow. So that’s good news.

But before we start doing that, do you feel like introducing yourself, letting people know what you’re all about and what you want to get out of this conversation that we’re about to flow with?

Jamil Higley: I would love to. Can I also want to just comment on that word, expectations? A lesson has come to me very recently that really, we just need to kind of put our expectations on the fire.

Like burn them away, because, when we let go of expectations, what’s left is our truest self. it’s the expectations that create disappointment and frustration and chasing of desire and the avoidance of fear. So, yeah, let’s do away with expectations.

Oli: Let’s burn them. We’ll throw them on the fire.

Jamil: So, yes, an introduction. My name is Jamil Higley, and I’m the face of Alyx Vance in the game Half Life two and in the voice of emotional intelligence.

My passion in life is serving, others in their journey inward to find their truth, to discover that connection that is there for all of us that we keep looking externally for. But it’s really inside of us. And so that job has manifested in the form of leadership and emotional intelligence coaching at, Rice University, which is in Houston, Texas, in the United States.

Oli: Well, that’s amazing. And I think it means you’re in the right place as well, because a lot of what we talk about on this podcast is going from a place where we are conditioned to believe that our lives are not really in our hands, that everything is externalised or predominantly externalised.

But if we go through a process of letting go of our ideas about ourselves and then learning to accept how life really is, then we can kind of see that there’s a lot of internal power shifts we can make involving the expectations, including the expectations thing that you just mentioned. And then we can actually, we live better lives.

So maybe the obvious starting point for this conversation is to pick apart the expectations thing that you kind of shared right at the start. I agree that we should throw our expectations on the fire, but how did you reach this conclusion? And I guess, why are expectations so burn worthy in the first place?

Jamil: Well, I want to do a little bit of time travel to tell you how I got to this point. And, I’m going to try to, I think, weave in this idea and expectations, because the beginning, when I said I’m the face of Alyx Vance and Half Life, too, that’s a meaningful part of this journey.

And that was a place where I had little to no expectations. That was a job I did 25 plus years ago, and I just let it go like it was a few days. A lot of fun work. I did motion capture, I did facial recognition, and, journeyed with Valve, which is a company out of Seattle that produced this game, Half Life, too, and so little to no expectation.

And then we got to 2021 and I had been a coach at that point for about eight years, and someone brought up that this game was still extremely popular, had a huge following and audience, and it was a light bulb moment for me, because at the time, working with university students, I wanted to have a greater impact.

When I coach, it’s one on one. And that matters because that one person I coached and has hundreds of other interactions. So there is impact there, but it’s still limited. There’s one of me, and there are only so many hours in a day. And so when I realised that this character had this great reach, this following of young adults, I thought, this is perfect, because through Alyx Vance, I have a platform to help people again turn inward and know themselves better.

 And so to me, that’s a perfect example of life having a course to which I couldn’t have mapped out a better scenario, in which I could again have a platform to reach more people. And so to me that’s just this manifestation of when you let go and when you stay true to where you’re being called, that opportunities and doors open.

So now my coaching is expanding to include not only gamers who are fans of Alyx, but also having conversation with game developers and studios to ensure that emotional intelligence becomes at the forefront of design rather than an afterthought. So I’m really enjoying that know, again, I’m human, so I have great desire and wishes for what that will look like. But again, if I continue to let go and just, I’m curious and have the next conversation, like this conversation with you, that again, life continues to unfold rather than my trying to orchestrate it all and be in the driver’s seat all the time.

Oli: No, I’ve found something similar in my own life, which is that we can have expectations to some extent. We need a general sense of where we’re going. We can have a vision for what the future might look like. But I found that the more we cling to that vision, the further out of reach it becomes.

The old saying is, “If you chase it, it runs away”. And I think there’s a way of living where we kind of outcome-independent in the sense that we kind of want things, but we can get this internal foundation of realness or peace or whatever you want to call it, where we want them as a kind of gravy.

But the main cause is just our relationship with life and this kind of flow that you’re talking about where serendipity kind of comes into our lives and kind of surpasses the expectations that we have, but only if we have them without having them. And I know that’s a really weird way to say it, but I just mean if we kind of hold them loosely, then it’s almost as though, our expectations are exceeded.

But if we hold onto those expectations too much, that’s when we need to throw them on the fire, even though we don’t realise it, because the more we hold onto them, the less space or room I guess there is for life to come in and to give us more. And I think that is opening this up to this kind of attitude you were kind of alluding to at the start, where it comes down to our internal relationship with ourselves.

And ultimately, I guess the short version, that is, if we have a good real relationship with ourselves, that’s when we can hold these expectations and plans for the future lightly. If for some reason, normally, shame, guilt and trauma, we have an unreal relationship with ourselves, that’s when we try to cling to things too much, and it screws our lives up instead of making them better. Something like that. So this is really just a ramble and a very random conversation.

Jamil: It’s a beautiful conversation. And I think that what you just talked about, the trauma and the pain and expectations, those are all things that take us out of the present moment. So it either our fear of the past coming back to haunt us and those old patterns that pulls us out of the present moment and then our, fear or our desires for the future.

And so it’s really about being in the now. And if you’re not in the now, you miss what’s right in front of you. And so, again, those are those blinders. If we’re holding too tightly to something versus being in flow.

There’s a beautiful metaphor that a bird has to have two wings to fly. There’s no way to fly with one. And so one side of our being is grace and the other is self effort. So if we think that we just need to surrender and not do anything, we’ll have to be completely leaning into grace alone, and we’re not going to end up where we want to be. And then if it’s all about self effort and we don’t create space for grace, then again, we can’t take off, we can’t take flight if it’s all on us.

So it’s that combination of grace and letting go and self effort, having that vision. Right. But also being flexible in that vision and constantly doing the work of bringing ourselves into the now and silencing that chatter, that voice, that’s, ah, always going.

So, that’s kind of where I am in my practice. And I love, I mean, just those moments of helping people slow down long enough to silence, kind of the distracting voice, and instead hear that higher self, that wiser self that knows exactly, what’s next.

Trust is the most fundamental quality that we can train ourselves to develop

Oli: You’re kind of encroaching on my favourite topic now, or the most relevant topic to me in my life, which is trust. And it always comes down to this now, like most of these conversations, because the most fundamental quality that we can train ourselves to develop in order to live a real life and move towards wholeness is trust.

And the analogy you just shared of the birds with grace on one side of its wings on one wing, and then self-control or autonomy on the other, finding that sweet spot so that you can fly is ultimately what it’s all about.

And I often say some people are so open minded that their brains fall out. That is because they have created a misconception of what grace or faith or trust is. And they’ve taken their own responsibility for their ability to respond to life in the moment out of the equation. And they’re just putting it out to the universe to meet all of their needs and all this kind of stuff.

And there’s a saying that I think kind of explains why that’s a fallacy, which is “Why should God do for you what you can do for yourself?”

There’s a whole story that goes around that phrase I’ve heard, but I won’t get into that. And then on the other side, there’s people who are scared to trust because of all their unresolved emotional shame and guilt and trauma and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so as a response to that, that’s when they go into this other side of your analogy where they try and force life through their own expectations, through their own needs and desires and assumptions. But the mistake that they make is they think it’s all up to them, which is a kind of, control freakery.

The sweet spot that I’ve seen work for people and has worked for me, like, amazingly well. Now, in my own life is the middle ground that you’re talking about, where you do your best, ultimately, and then you forget the rest in the sense that you hand it over to God or the universe or whatever.

And by doing your best and forgetting the rest, that’s when you can flow, towards these expectations and your vision by holding it loosely. And you’re holding it loosely because you know that it’s not all in your hands anyway. And that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s in the hands of life as well. And if you trust life to take hold of it with you, then you’re going to get where you want to be.

The ego can distort our view of reality.

But I guess my question for you is, now we’re getting into this is, how do we get in that sweet spot? What does it look like? How have you learned, I guess, in your own life to live in that way where you’re flying like a bird instead of being weighed down by one wing, being heavier than the other?

Jamil: Well, I’m flattered that you think that I figured that out. And it’s very humbling. I just went through, as I shared with you earlier, before we started recording some pretty significant shifts in consciousness.

Just in the past, let’s call it even five days, where I was in a season in my life where I had absolute. What I thought was absolute clarity and conviction and was on a path. I honestly had created this story that every single door was opening for me because I was doing the right thing. And then to have that turned upside down again.

The humility and the humbling moment of, like, oh, as human, my view of what’s happening is just a fraction of the truth. And so I think that it’s an ongoing work that’s happening. And I think that, I guess, in a way, to champion what you and I do as coaches, I think one way to get closer to that balance, that ability to fly, is having a team.

I mean, it’s not something that you can do on your own. It is an inward journey, but it’s also one where you have to be in dialogue, have conversations that challenge the assumptions that you’ve made because all of us are living out of our past lived experiences, and when we do that, our vision is clouded.

So, as a coach, our job is to ask questions and to make people uncomfortable. And it’s in those uncomfortable moments that we start to weed our garden of what’s toxic and what’s not serving us. But it was reasonable and adaptive when we were children, right? And so it’s like, from our adult higher selves, being able to say, okay, there’s grace here, because this is how I’ve done things in the past, because it’s what was necessary for survival, and it’s no longer serving my highest purpose, my highest good, and who I need to be, not only in relationship to myself, but to other people and to the world.

Oli: How does this sense of who we think we are feed into this? So, if I understand what you’re saying, a lot of how we condition to survive is ultimately what informs our sense of identity.

I always call it the ego, but ultimately, I think the ego, because it was formed in the past and we’ve become attached to it because we think it’s who we are and life has changed around us.

The ego is ultimately, it’s just outdated software. And the consequence of having this outdated software is two main things. It causes us to distort our view of the truth of life as it currently is, because we have distorted assumptions, like you said, of ourselves, the world, and reality.

But because we feel like we need the ego to be secure, we also resist the truth – so we end up distorting and resisting our relationship with the only thing that is going to be able to allow, us to kind of fly in the way that we were talking about, where we’ve got that balance between controlling what we can control, but then just letting go and accepting and trusting life with the other stuff.

And I guess my question is, have you noticed anything there in your life, or you work with your clients about the distortions and the resistance that stop us from truly flying? Which is a very big question.

Jamil: Yeah, I know you’re asking a question, but I also think that you’re sharing profoundly as well. So the way that you’re articulating that is helpful. And I think our job is to just bring that query forward. So that’s what you’re asking your clients.

What I’m asking my clients all the time is to kind of look at that distortion and peel back to get to what’s really true. And again, that humility of what’s true in this moment perhaps won’t be true when you have that next layer peeled back. That’s all about learning, and it’s never black and white in my opinion.

It’s funny, I was just speaking at this conference, m in Toronto on mental health and gaming, and, I threw out the opportunity for a Q&A at the end. And lots of people, I mean, we’re so solution oriented, versus process oriented. And we are so like, “Well, how do I get this person to realize that they need to work on their emotional intelligence? How do I get this person to be, kinder or more considerate? Because they’re assertive to the point that it’s pushing other people away”.

And so it was interesting for me to be on the other side of the podium trying to answer questions. And I found that no matter what, it was like, well, where are you in this? Why do you need this person to change? How is it that you can interact with them in a different way? What are the expectations that you have of them? Why do you have those expectations? That mirror is in front of us.

So I think anytime that we’re triggered, anytime that, we’re challenged, we have an emotional response, whether it’s not even just in the negative column, right, but in the ecstatic column of joy and love, what is the mirror for us? What part of ourselves is being revealed? But either we need to take out of that shadow space and put more light on it, or, maybe even in that column.

And, again, I don’t even want to label things as good or bad. They’re all necessary experiences. But in the column of quote unquote good. How do I stay in flow with that? How do I create more space for that? Ah, alignment that creates resonance in our lives? How do you do it? How do you help shepherd people through that journey of discovery?

Oli: Yeah, so sorry. I was just thinking about what you’re saying, and, I’ll get onto it. Like, in answer to your question, I think it’s really simple. I think we make life so complicated, but when we’re making it complicated and complex, it’s because at some level, we want it to be complicated and complex so that we don’t actually have to take that leap from externalising everything to look at our inner relationship with ourselves and how it’s affecting the results that we’re getting in life.

And think about what people are always looking for, like, as a coach, they’re always looking for clarity, or they’re looking for answers, or they’re looking for certainty or whatever it is. All of these things are just code words for the truth. That’s all anyone’s really looking for, the truth.

And I think – at the simplest level – that is all we actually need to keep in mind. We have to uncover the truth to the best of our ability, and then we have to live that truth to the greatest extent possible for where we are right now. That’s it. It’s super, super simple.

And if you understand that, you can start to reverse engineer what’s really going on inside us because of the results that we’re getting consistently, that we don’t want, because we’re avoiding some truth because of that distortion and resistance we’re talking about. And I’ll get onto that in a second. Or we can simply start to figure out the steps that we’re avoiding that are going to move us towards the truth instead of away from it.

I think, like I said, it’s very simple. We’re all different. We’re all unique. We all have different experiences. We’ve all got different things that we’re dealing with. But the fundamental structure of the human experience is the same for all of us. And it’s simply going from a state of fragmentation in adulthood, which is just over identifying with the ego because of emotional stuff and social programming and all that kind of stuff.

It’s going from that fragmented state back to a state of wholeness. And because wholeness and truth are ultimately the same thing, it’s just that understanding what’s stopping people from moving towards the truth. The process I use in my coaching practice is the same, that this podcast is built around awareness acceptance and action deconstruct the ego. That’s awareness. Start to accept the shadow self, to embrace the things that we’ve been avoiding about ourselves in life, and then take action that’s aligned with that.

That is as simple as it gets. But it works, because by taking action that is aligned with the truth, you start getting results and evidence that show you, all of the unreal things you’ve been thinking about yourself, which are the only things making you miserable, are not real. And then the whole house of cards starts to fall down, and you can start to flow more.

So, there was something that you said. What were you saying before you asked me that question?

Jamil: Sorry, I don’t remember. I will share with you, though. So you prompted me, a memory. I worked with a client yesterday, and it was our last session, and we were wrapping up, and I was like, I always ask, what is your biggest takeaway? And it’s just this ecstatic moment for me when you watch someone get it. Correct me if your experience is different. You’re referring to the truth. And then I want to say, well, what is the truth? And then my answer to that is that you are enough.

Oli: Yeah.

Jamil: And that’s the truth for every single person. It doesn’t matter if I’m coaching a 17 year old male student from Taiwan or a 65 year old, female who’s retiring. We’re all struggling with this idea of, like, am I enough? And am I worthy? And the answer is, yes, you are.

However, we’re always seeking these externals for validation. And so it’s the intellect that goes back to, it’s the grades, it’s the pay cheque, it’s the title, it’s the house, it’s the man, it’s the woman. It’s all of those things, because we want those things to tell us and to validate and say, you’re enough.

But really, if you can truly plug into that truth inside of yourself, then everything else, kind of like you can glide into life in the right next step, because you’re attuned to that truth, that core, that, yes, I am enough. And all of those external, it’s just like I feel it in my shoulders right now, talking about it like we’re carrying such a heavy load.

And when you put all that down and you’re no longer having to do and to be something other than yourself, to take up space, to know that you’re worthy, then there’s just, like, a deep breath. I get to just simply be here. Now.

Oli: This is why we can say it’s simple. Like, what you’ve just shared is the ultimate truth. Like, everybody is worthy, everybody is enough. But for whatever reason, in their early childhood years, they pick up some external judgment that introduces shame into the equation.

Jamil: They have humans as parents.

Oli: Yeah.

Jamil: Right. And so that’s what’s being modelled to them, because those are broken people, too.

Oli: Yeah. But as soon as that shame is internalised, there’s a disconnect to some people. This sounds like an oversimplification, but this is truly why I believe. Now, shame is always a sign that you are disconnected from the truth. It’s that simple. And it’s a sign that you’re disconnected from the truth – because the only thing you can do with the truth is accept it.

That’s the only way you can have a healthy relationship with it. You can try and explain it away. You can try and resist it. Okay, that’s an unreal relationship with the truth. But if you want a real relationship with the truth, then you have to accept it. It’s really that simple.

And because, there’s a version of us that exists in truth, let’s say if we want to be happy, then we have to stop judging ourselves. We have to step away from that shame because it’s not real. It’s an illusion. And when people get it, like you were saying, all they’re doing is letting go of the illusions and returning to the truth, which is that they exist beyond judgment, that they can accept themselves.

There’s the old saying that the hippies, I think, used to use in the 70s or whenever it was: “Love is God is Truth”. That’s basically it. They’re all the same thing.

Like, if you truly love somebody else, you have to accept them, which means you see the truth about them. If you truly love yourself, you have to accept yourself, because you’ve seen the truth about yourself. If you truly love life, you have to accept it. Love and acceptance are the same thing, and you can only accept the truth. And so that is why the simplest way to live a good life is what we said: uncover the truth and live the truth.

And coaching, the only reason that it works, and it does work, is because it’s helping people to see that, to get the clarity where they’ve been distorting their relationship with the truth and holding themselves back from that feeling that you’re talking about, which is “I’m enough”.

The only reason I always say, if somebody is judging themselves, if someone’s beating themselves up, if they hate themselves, it’s because they’ve not been real. All those judgments, etc. are just an externalised idea, standard concept, whatever that they are using against themselves.

But it is literally impossible to not like yourself when you’ve been real. And so, this is why I say you can reverse engineer things like if people are anxious, depressed, constantly judging themselves and feeling guilty and ashamed, and blah, blah, blah, they’ve become disconnected from the truth. And, that’s how simple it is.

Jamil: My spiritual journey has been what it’s been, so I’ve kind of, come in and out of my faith. And within the Christian context, I definitely struggled with the word “sin” and that we are sinful. However, once it was explained to me as sin is anything that is a disconnection from God or creator, I think that that is the denial of, love.

So if you have judgment and if you have shame, then you are denying the truth that you were made perfectly as you are, and that you are an extension of the divine. And so to be in shame is to not be in alignment with your creator.

So, again, the traditional verbiage around that is that therefore you are sinful. But we are all disconnected. And so the quest is to continue to lean into that truth and that connection. As you said, “Love is God is Truth” – and, again, you think about neuroplasticity and creating new neuropathways within our clients.

We’ve got these well-worn pathways that say “I’m shameful”, “I’m not enough”, “Life is a struggle”. “Life is hard”. And so you’re helping people create, a positive feedback loop. And again, I love this idea of Love is God is Truth. And so if they continue to tap into that, then it opens your eyes up to everything that’s around you. Whereas before, we’re talking about having these blinders holding on to things tightly versus that trust that comes with being in the here and the now, knowing that you’re loved and taken care of.

Oli: Yeah.

Jamil: And again, as I say all of this, I need to hear it. I don’t have this dialled in. It’s not like I live on cloud nine. I struggle daily. I’m learning to integrate breath and stillness and saying over and over, even the saying within my consciousness of be here now or be in the seat of consciousness, hear this ongoing rambling voice inside.

Even that is not totally being in it because I’m still observing and, noticing, but I know it brings me closer, and it’s a discipline m that we’re all called to undertake. And it’s freaking hard work.

Oli: Yeah, it’s the hardest way because we’re going against that.We’re going against, our programming, but we’re going against the bad habit of the ego.

The ego is a habit like anything else.

The ego is a habit like anything else, right? We get addicted to it because it helps us to hide from our shame in the short term. I think most addictions are about that, just running away from shame. And you can’t just turn it off overnight unless you have a big epiphany and you become enlightened or something. It’s a practice.

You have to train yourself to see how it operates, the ego, and to shift your focus into a more real intention and real way of being that’s carrying you towards the truth instead of the distortion and resistance that the ego wants to point you in the direction of. So keep its hold over you.

And, this is why I think some people can struggle with, how can I describe it, putting themselves on a spiritual path. Because they do daily meditation and they do affirmations and all this kind of stuff. And, that can help you, but, actually, at the same time, you don’t need it.

And the reason I say that is all of those things, all of those rituals are just about training ourselves to point us in the direction of that trust. And you can trust without those rituals, because you’re not reacting to life because of the ego stuff. You’re responding to it moment by moment.

Those rituals – I think if you look at your intention as to why you’re doing it – that will tell you if it’s carrying you towards the truth in the way that we’re talking about, or if it’s just giving you a kind of false sense of security. And what I basically mean is…how can I explain this simply?

If you’re only meditating because you think there’s something wrong with you, for example, then every time you do it, you’re aware of that intention and you’re actually reaffirming your state of disconnection. If you are trying to manifest a billion dollars, let’s say, and you start, I don’t know how people do it. You write down the thousand times every morning that you want a billion dollars. Your intention for that is to escape the feeling of scarcity that you’re secretly been driven by.

And it’s ultimately about knowing that, like, what is your intention? Are you driven by fear? Basically the simplest terms, the cliché terms, are you being driven by fear or love? By a, need to escape your current relationship with yourself or the trust that life is going to kind of enter the space, if you can make the space, and then you can start to let go of yourself a little bit.

And so this is why I think so many people get caught up in bullshit, pardon my French, on the Internet, about how the law of attraction works and all this kind of stuff. I think the law of attraction does work, but ultimately it only works if you’re aligned with God’s will or universal conscious will or whatever word people want to use. And, that is about the trusting. Again, I don’t know if I’m explaining this adequately.

Jamil: I love what you said about when you’re, quote unquote manifesting or law of attraction. And again, if it’s around something like money, the root really is that you need to work on that scarcity piece. And if you’re able to let go of scarcity, it doesn’t matter if you have $100 in the bank, $100,000 in a bank.

But the root problem or the root opportunity, for growth is around that scarcity mindset. I think that we are always going for the carrot and that the carrot is a distraction. And I think that those practices can become crutches, that it is, both and so there’s something around discipline. There’s something around slowing down and quieting that voice that certain disciplines, like meditation, bring you. But that meditation is not the answer.

Oli: Yeah, exactly. We can train ourselves not to worry. Ultimately, I suppose that’s a shortcut to what I was trying to express. If you’re only doing all these different, gratitude rituals and manifestation rituals and praying to God and whatever else people do, if you’re only doing that because you feel you’re not enough and your life isn’t enough and you want something from life, you’re trying to bring more into your life, then you’re wasting your time, basically.

Jamil: Yeah. You’re reinforcing the negative.

Oli: You’re reinforcing the negative. So if you want to do those rituals, fine. But actually, I found the best thing to do, to somehow connect with life and make it work, is just to stop worrying about life. It’s kind of what we’re saying at the start. Like, you know what you want and you have a vision for yourself, but you’re not overly attached to it because of unrealistic expectations and so on and so forth.

And you don’t worry. Like, trust basically means that, right? You don’t worry. And if I’d heard myself say this, like, five years ago, I would have thought I was a lunatic, but I have basically trained myself now not to worry about anything. And it’s just made so much space for me to just be responsive in the moment instead of having the same old hamster wheel of thoughts playing round and around in my head. And that is ultimately it.

When you see that the truth is that uncover the truth and live the truth, part of that is seeing, a big part of that is seeing the grace  side of your bird’s wing, which is that it’s not all up to you. And the only reason we worry, really, is because we think it is up to us.

The only reason people do those rituals and everything is because they think if they take control and if they do the right thing, then the universe is going to give them what they want, basically. But actually the universe is just life, and life wants to give you life just for the sake of living, if you know what I mean. It’s grace in that traditional definition from Christianity, actually. Like, you don’t have to do anything except go with it. And, that’s unconditional love.

Jamil: We make everything conditional, but it really is tapping honestly.

Oli: Unconditional love is God is truth. That’s same thing again. And so if we see ourselves as that and we accept ourselves, then we just increase the odds of being what we need to be and, not worrying about whether we are or not anyway. And then everything’s amazing. So ultimately, I think we’ve just figured out the human condition and life is on, and it only took us 38 minutes or something.

Jamil: Yeah, we need to bottle this up again. The gift of being a coach is that I have the privilege and the honour of having these conversations daily because I need the reminder myself. Again, I don’t want anyone to think that I’ve got it all figured out.

It’s just such a gift to have this conversation with you. And even my clients who are figuring things out, they shed light on the places that I still need to grow. It truly is a two way street. I do have a true set of skills that I bring to the table, active listening and deep questioning and things like that. And that took time to develop and refine.

But again, I’m a humble human on this planet, observing and experiencing life. And so, when people allow me to join them on their journey, that is a gift, because I get to see myself in a different light. And then when I see them have breakthroughs, when I see them shift their awareness, I know that that’s possible for me too – so they expand my worldview and they expand what I see as being possible when I am able to assist them in that process, because I don’t have any answers for anyone else. I just help people find their own answers.

And you can’t force that upon an individual. It really is in their own timing and in their own experiences. And the revealing that happens, that’s divinely orchestrated for that individual. So that could happen at twelve, that could happen at 40 –  it could happen at 78.

There’s no right or wrong to when or how those come. And they can come in those moments and then go away. And then you’ve got to put on your hiking boots and journey some more, and explore some more. You’ll have that next level of consciousness and awareness, and shifting, and growth and connection and loss and grief and joy and all of it.

And that’s where I think, ah, emotions are so important. And why that’s a big piece of my practice too, is that emotional self-awareness. Most of us, go through life being somewhat emotionally anaemic, at least in our vocabulary. And so expanding what it is that we are witnessing and having words around it, which is the beauty in knowing multiple languages, right, is that you have more ways to describe what you’re seeing, which expands your view of what’s happening and so, yeah, I love helping people kind of enrich the way that they see what’s going on and see that our emotions also are.

You can have two dozen different feelings in a single day and not attaching to strong laid any one of them, but allowing feelings like experiences to flow through us and to inform us such a big piece of what I do as well.

Oli: That’s amazing. And I think it’s just a reminder that it all leads back to the truth. Like ‘good’ emotions, ‘bad’ emotions, in quotes. It’s all just part of the process is what you said. This process is constantly unfolding. We can always go deeper into it. And every interaction we have actually, like what you said about coaching is the main reason I love being a coach.

Every interaction is an opportunity to invite more truth back into our lives. And people are always talking about these aha moments. That’s how it shows up a lot of the time. We just bring it in inside by creating the conditions for people to be what they are – which means that acceptance is introduced into the equation and then the truth in the way that we’re talking about. And it frees people. It’s really that simple.

So we didn’t know where we’re going to end up; we didn’t really know what we’re going to talk about, but it’s been a good one. Like, I’m really happy that we did this.

Have you got any final words of wisdom? No pressure if you don’t, but how would you sum this up? And can you let people know where they can find you if they want to talk to you as well?

Jamil: Yeah, well, just touching on the very last thing that you said, which we didn’t delve into, but I do think it’s the final piece of this puzzle. So moving from awareness to action to freedom, I think that’s kind of where this journey is taking us, is to a place of freedom again, we’re never complete. I don’t think those are my final words, but I would just say that’s where I’m landing right now in this moment is from awareness to action to an opportunity to have more freedom.

Oli: Yeah.

Jamil: And then where to find me? let’s see, I’m on LinkedIn. So Jamielle Higgley. And, also I have a website, and that’s my first and last name, jamilhigley.com. And, through that website, there’s a portal to request a query call -because I love engaging in these conversations. T

hey truly do feed me, feed my soul. And so anyone who wants to reach out and have a conversation and perhaps dig deeper.

Oli: Brilliant. Well, I will share all your links in the show notes. I’m holding, my tongue so I don’t open up a whole avenue of rambling and start us off again. But that was amazing. And, I just really appreciate your time and how this has just flown by, so.

Jamil: And again, I feel like you are setting a standard of engagement and the amount of information and wisdom that you share freely, on YouTube and social media, I think that that’s truly a gift. And I appreciate that’s how you’re showing up and that you’re just out there giving and engaging in these conversations that pull people in and help them in their journey.

So I appreciate you. I appreciate you reaching out to me and inviting me to be in this conversation with you. And again, hopefully that we’re like, sparks, any spark, other sparks. And then out of that comes this beautiful fire that’s not destructive. Going back to our original analogy of what do we throw on the fire, right? But that out of the ashes, when we burn away, what’s untrue? That we uncover our truest selves.

Oli: Well, thank you for that. And even though I said I wouldn’t crack this open anymore. I always think what’s real is always real. And so anything that you can throw on the fire is not real anyway. And it’s just going to leave what was supposed to be there.

And I think that to summarise this whole thing “The truth is going to set you free, but first it probably will piss you off a little bit or make you miserable”, because you have to let go of the things you think you need, like your expectations and stuff like that. So, Jamil, I’m going to stop talking, but thank you so much. This has been awesome, and I really appreciate you once again.

Jamil: Yes, I appreciate you too.


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