by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Chasing Anything In An Unreal Way Just Takes You Away From Your Realness
There’s a strange paradox at the heart of modern masculinity:
On the one hand, men are told to “be confident”, “have game”, and to “go after whatever or whoever they want” but on the other, many are silently driven by an inner emptiness that no amount of attention, conquest, or validation can truly satisfy.
(This inner emptiness is what I call (the Void).
One of the most common expressions of this inner split is the endless chase – whether it be chasing money, sex, power, or anything else that we’ve somehow convinced ourselves will fill the void and allow us to feel real again.
This article is for the men who chase women – thinking that somehow managing to ‘conquer’ enough of them will ever be enough to make the void go away.
This is a potent topic because chasing women is a vital part of the male experience and – for this reason – is a sort of twisted rite of passage.
Even though it’s perfectly ‘natural’ – and indeed a ‘good’ thing if done in a real way – the ‘chase’ is also something that becomes unreal when it’s fuelled by culture, peer pressure, shame, and the desperate hunger to feel like “a man” when we hand it over to the ego.
Beneath the surface, this version of the natural chase has very little to do with women and everything to do with the man who’s playing it and the inner relationship they have with themselves.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Men Who Chase Women: What We Cover in This Article
- Chasing Anything In An Unreal Way Just Takes You Away From Your Realness
- My Story: From Chaser to Realness
- The Real Reason Behind the Chase
- The Addiction to the Chase
- The Cost of Chasing Women
- Practical Steps to Stop Chasing Women & to Start Living Your Real Life
- Final Words: Real Men Don’t Chase Women – They Create Something Real
The Illusion of the Chase
A lot of men are driven by a pressure to prove themselves as ‘men’:
Whether this is from biology, peers, social media, internalised beliefs about masculinity, or a complicated cocktail of all of these and more, there’s an unconscious script running that often says:
If I can sleep with lots of women, I’m worthy.
So – without really stopping to ask themselves what they really want in there realness, they chase, they hook up, and then they move on. Rinse and repeat (all the while, remaining untouched by real intimacy).
Let’s be clear because I don’t wanna put anybody on the opposite path (which is just as unreal):
If you’re a man, then women are a GOOD thing – a very good thing, in fact. One of the best.
This article isn’t about demonising desire or pretending sex isn’t enjoyable but if you’re hoping that women will fill the hole inside you, then you’re in for a rude awakening because the only thing that can fill the Void is truth.
Trying to find purpose, self-worth, or identity through chasing women (or anything else for that matter) is a race you can never win – not because of women themselves, but because what you’re chasing can’t be found outside yourself.
My Story: From Chaser to Realness
When I was younger, I lived in that same loop:
I deep down thought the number of women I could sleep with equated to how ‘manly’ or ‘cool’ or ‘whatever’ I was. Over the years, I even entered relationships where I was expecting my partners to fill the void in some way (though I didn’t know that’s what was going on for me at the time)…deep down, I was looking for something they could never give me because didn’t know myself, let alone know what I wanted and really had to give in return.
As you might imagine, these relationships lacked depth and so they they were never truly real or intimate. – if anything it was more about role: I was the ‘boyfriend’ and she was the ‘girlfriend’ and so we’d do stuff together and hang out and even live together.
The truth is that we often had completely different values because we had both gone into the relationship not being as real as we could’ve been. Of course, I can only talk about that really from my own experience and so it’s probably more fair to say that it wasn’t them (in the sense that there was anything ‘wrong’ with them). It was me being disconnected, avoidant, and unaware of the shadows of myself (which are always needed to be brought to light if we want to have any chance of being real).
Eventually, I started facing myself after life forced me to do so and I was given the opportunity to sit with the Void instead of trying to seduce my way out of it. Over the years, I did the work: shadow work, emotional regulation, semen retention, nervous system healing; I found purpose, grounded myself, and I stopped running.
These days I’m not out there ‘chasing’ things like a lunatic but the connections I have are deeper than ever because they’re more real and more intimate (which it turns out is what I was looking for all along).
The Real Reason Behind the Chase
Here’s the truth:
The urge to chase has nothing to do with women – it’s not about their beauty, their energy, or their desirability but about the boy inside the man who hasn’t healed.
Sure, our evolutionary biology drives a certain instinct. And yes, sex is great. But when chasing women becomes your identity, you’ve lost control because you’ve become mastered by your ego.
In this case, the ego tells you that seducing women makes you ‘better’ than other men – more alpha, more worthy, more powerful. It tricks you into thinking you’re getting somewhere and that you’re really something, when really, you’re just avoiding yourself because of underlying SHAME.
Shame is the root wound that causes human beings to identify with the ego in the first place:
It tells you that you’re not ‘enough’ and so you go on an endless chase to prove that you are – “Look how many women I’ve slept with” we’re talking about in this article but it can literally be anything.
Whatever it is, it will never be enough because shame is never satisfied and can only ever want more.
The Addiction to the Chase
A potentially brutal truth here is the fact that men are only addicted to chasing women because they have no real purpose:
They haven’t claimed a vision, set meaningful goals, or developed habits that grow them into integrated men who have a solid grounding in themselves and their lives.
Stuck in this purposeless state, they substitute purpose with pleasure:
The thrill of going from stranger to seduction becomes their only excitement but – because it’s just a cheap and basically empty high (except for a bit of sexual release) like fast food for the soul – eventually, it leaves you sick and being acutely aware of the fact that you need something deeper and more real.
In extreme cases, this addiction leads to deceit both of themselves and the women they chase:
These kinds of addicted men start wear a persona – a lie – to attract women. They pretend to be more successful than they are; they flaunt money they don’t have; they act ‘nice‘ when all they want is sex and they really couldn’t care less about the women they’re chasing outside of that.
This is manipulation that turns women into targets and eventually even turns you into someone even you can’t trust (because you know what you’re really doing).
The Cost of Chasing Women
When you’re stuck in this cycle, you stop growing and become more-and-more unreal:
You’re distracted from your realness and so you miss the moment when the ‘right’ woman comes – not because she isn’t there, but because you’re not (because you’re hiding in that void behind your ego).
Worse still, you start to feel hollow because ultimately unreal sex doesn’t mean much anyway:
The validation fades and you’re still left with you – a man disconnected from his soul and unable to feel fulfilled because he lacks real purpose.
Chasing women turns them into objects into goals to be conquered rather than souls to be known an that’s not love – it’s projection.
A projection of what?
A projection of your own lack of love for yourself that’s causing you to live an unreal life instead of your real one.
Check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you’re ready to stop chasing the unreal and start living in a real way.
Practical Steps to Stop Chasing Women & to Start Living Your Real Life
So how do you stop chasing women and start becoming real?
Here are some practical steps to help you begin to change your trajectory:
1. Ask Yourself: What Am I Really Looking For?
Is it approval? Validation? Power? A sense of self-worth?
Get radically honest with yourself – even if the truth is painful it’s also liberating because it will show you the way towards a real foundation that you can build on.
2. Become the Void
Stop trying to fill the emptiness and start listening to it:
The Void is not a flaw – it’s just a signal that you’re being unreal and need to make some changes.
It shows you where you’re still fragmented and disconnected and where you have some opportunities to start being more whole within yourself.
When the void shows up, sit with it, breathe into it, and let it teach you.
3. Semen Retention
Try retaining for at least 30 days so that you can get some control of your instincts (instead of having them control you).
Better yet, make it a lifestyle (unless you’re in a real, intimate relationship – and even then there are things you can do to keep going if you choose).
You’ll gain clarity, energy, and the power to choose connection over compulsion.
This article goes into this in a lot more detail: Semen Retention Benefits: How this Ancient Practice Can Help You Grow More Real
4. Reconnect with Purpose
What are you here to build?
What do you want to create?
Where are their opportunities for you to step up and lead?
Your real purpose is always connected to service and growth and about making your values valuable to others.
Start small with goals, daily habits, and structure that ground you in reality.
Check out my free 7-Day Course if you want to start designing a real purpose for yourself: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose
5. Regulate Your Nervous System
If your body is dysregulated, your instincts will override your wisdom and you’ll act according to your feelings way more than your principles.
Learn breathwork, move your body, and get support from a coach like me so you can start to heal your emotional baseline.
Final Words: Real Men Don’t Chase Women – They Create Something Real
You don’t need to chase women to be a man but you do need to face yourself:
Sex is good and women are good but they’re not the ultimate thing that will give your life a sense of real meaning – that title belongs to truth.
When you stop playing the ‘chase’ game, you start living the real life because when you stop chasing, you start becoming and when you stop proving, you start loving for real.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to stop chasing and you’re ready to start growing real and living with purpose then book a free coaching call with me and I’ll help you shift focus (and keep you accountable).
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