If you don’t read this article, then you’re a terrible human being.
Oh, hi there.
Before we get started with all this, I just want to say that if you don’t read this article, then you’re a terrible human being:
You’re holding back the human race. Your degeneracy and immoral attitude towards life is ultimately ruining society.
And it’s people like you that make life way more difficult than it needs to be.
For the rest of us – the ‘good’ people out here in the world – who are just going about our business being real and so on and so forth….
Oh, wait a second. All of the things I just said were complete horsesh*t. It was my attempt to emotionally manipulate or blackmail you, into reading the rest of this long ass article – that’s because this (emotional manipulation and blackmail) is the theme of what follows.
If you read it, you’re going to become more aware of all of the emotional manipulation going on in the world and in your life, and – more importantly – I’m going to help you to become immune to it by giving you an inoculation, metaphorically speaking, so that you can stop buying into all that bs, stop being manipulated, and live a real life without unnecessary drama and nonsense.
Let’s have at it.
Emotional manipulation involves taking total responsibility for someone else’s feelings.
So before we get into the heavier stuff, let’s begin with a really simple definition of what we mean by emotional manipulation and/or blackmail, which are basically the same thing:
Emotional manipulation and blackmail is any instance of somebody else trying to make you take total responsibility for their feelings, their choices, their expectations, and ideas by turning your feelings against you.
Normally the feelings they’re going to “turn against you” are most likely to be fear, guilt and shame, and they’ll control you by creating some unreal standard of how you should behave, of how you should be, how you should feel.
If you don’t act according to this unreal standard – which is just something that they pulled out of their ass so that they can maintain their ego and not have to change or grow in life – then they’re going to put you on a guilt trip, they’re going to punish you, they’re going to basically make your life a living hell because they want you to take their feelings as your own and be responsible for them, when actually that is total nonsense (because at the end of the day, we’re all responsible for our own feelings).
If you have some kind of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ inside you (again, usually SHAME) that makes you take on board that responsibility, then you’re going to get caught up in the cycle of being emotionally manipulated. And if you want to put an end to that, you need to ask yourself why you’re buying into it. That’s what we’re about to do.
So in this article, we’re really just going to explore why you would accept that responsibility for somebody else’s feelings and choices etc., and why you would live up or try to live up to their unrealistic standards that they have just created in order to control you in the first place (so that they can stay the same and they can watch you dance through hoops and do a whole song and dance, trying to please them so they can feel powerful).
Ultimately, that’s what this is all about: a power dynamic. And the only way that you end up giving away your power is by getting detached from your own realness, your own truth about yourself, and starting to believe some unreal nonsense that can only really belong to your ego.
And so if you can step back from your own ego ‘stuff’ and you can start to see clearly again, then you’re ultimately going to be able to stop feeding into other people’s egos, and that’s going to allow the whole house of cards to fall down.
The only reason that emotional manipulation works is because at some level, you’re choosing to be manipulated. And normally, that’s just so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable – i.e. it’s so you can feel the familiar buzz of being who you currently think you, are.
But if you’re being manipulated, then whatever it is that you think you are is unreal.
And so what you need to do is to flip the script, start being real again, and get your power back; when you do this, you remove the power over whoever it is in your life that’s manipulating you with all of this ‘stuff’.
Now, the bottom line, for the record, is that nobody is responsible for their own feelings and choices apart from themselves.
Except maybe in extreme cases, of course – if somebody’s holding a gun to your head, maybe they can coerce you and make you choose something that you don’t want.
But on a day to day basis, we are all responsible for our own feelings and our own choices.
And that means that anytime somebody tries to pass that ownership on to you, instead of owning their own feelings and choices, you have a choice to make:
You can either stop it in its tracks, or you can try and take it because of your own ego ‘stuff’ and your need to feel approval or love or whatever it is that you think you’re going to get by taking it on board.
In that moment – when you have that choice to make – that is where you have the opportunity to step into your power.
Accepting this fact of life – that we’re all responsible for our own choices and our own feelings – doesn’t mean that we should go around purposely trying to upset people or ruin their lives by upsetting them. It just means that if we’ve been real and we’re going about our lives the best way that we can, chasing our values and our true intentions and all that kind of stuff, we probably will upset at least one or two people along the way (purely because we all have different needs and agendas which is totally fine and healthy).
But as long as we’re not doing that intentionally, we don’t have to fall into the trap of being controlled when people are upset with us being on a real path whilst they’re getting worked up over something unreal in their minds – I’m just putting that out there because even though we’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, we don’t need to purposely annoy people.
But at the same time, we don’t need to get so worked up and upset if we do upset somebody that we allow ourselves to be manipulated.
Emotional manipulation is basically when people try to make you own things that aren’t yours.
So now I’m going to give you three examples of the most common types of emotional manipulation.
Once you’re aware of these, you’re going to see them all over the place because a lot of people are coming at life from a place of ego and they don’t even know that they’re manipulating other people – it’s just a survival mechanism that they’ve picked up to be able to cope in life and get the results that they think want.
And so a lot of the time it’s automatic. It’s not like people are just evil or anything like that. It’s just something that they do because they’ve always done it.
But anyway, as we already said, emotional manipulation is basically when people try and make you own things that aren’t yours, like their feelings and choices, or when they try and get you to be something that you’re not and that you can never be, because what they’re asking you to be is some unreal thing that they’ve concocted because of their own ego stuff and their desire to keep the ego where it is and to not have to face their own stuff and grow real.
So here’s the three examples:
Example #1: Feelings
The first example of emotional manipulation is the feelings thing. It shows up like this:
Somebody will say to you, “If you don’t watch read this article that I wrote, if you don’t walk my dog, if you don’t, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I’m going to be really upset, I’m going to be really angry, I’m going to kill myself, I’m going to jump off a bridge” or whatever it is.
This is their attempt to persuade you that you are responsible for their feelings and what they do with those feelings.
Now if you’re the kind of person who has been conditioned to please everybody, i.e. you’re a people pleaser or a nice guy, whatever you want to call it, this is going to work on you because the most horrifying thing that you can imagine is making somebody feel negative emotions.
Actually, if you put yourself in the position of being responsible for this person’s feelings, or, even worse, show them that you actually will take responsibility by walking their dog or reading their stupid articles so they don’t jump off a bridge, etc. then you’re actually showing them that they can control you in that way.
When you look around you’ll see that this type of manipulation is everywhere:
It comes from our parents, sometimes it comes from our siblings, it comes from our friends -but at the end of the day, you are not responsible for anybody’s feelings except your own.
So even if they do get upset, even if they’re angry, or whatever then it’s not because of something you could or couldn’t do differently, but because of the choices they’re making about their own feelings.
Even in the absolute worst possible case of them going to jump off a bridge, it’s not because you didn’t walk their dog or whatever; it’s because – at some level – they just wanted to do that, which I know sounds really harsh, but the point is that you’re not responsible for their feelings. And if they try and make you feel that way, well…you just got manipulated.
Example #2: Choices
The second example of how manipulation and blackmail of this type shows up is around choices.
It takes place when somebody makes a choice that’s maybe not the best choice, and instead of taking responsibility for it, they try and find a way to blame you.
So maybe, for example, you go for lunch with a friend and they’re on a diet or wherever it is, and during the lunch, they end up just eating loads of calories and going away from the diet plan that they’re on.
After the meal, they start blaming you:
“Oh, my God, I can’t believe you let me order that on the menu. Like, you know, I’m on a diet and blah, blah, blah.”
Or maybe you got another friend who is trying not to drink alcohol, and, you go out and they have a few pints, and then the next day, well, it’s your fault because you let it happen.
Now, maybe you could have tried to talk them out of it if you so desired, but ultimately, that choice was theirs. And as soon as you let them put you on a guilt trip for the choice that they made, well, again… you just got manipulated.
As soon as you start kind of trying to pacify these kinds of people – or put an argument forward as to why you let it happen or why you wish you didn’t let it happen or you show that you feel bad about it or whatever – well, congratulations…you’ve just been manipulated again.
Example #3: Being
The third form of this kind of emotional manipulation is sometimes quite subtle, but it’s also very common, and it happens all over the place.
This is the kind of manipulation I’ve already alluded to where somebody pulls an unrealistic standard out of their bee-hind and then they use that standard against you, even though it’s just something that they concocted because of their own ego.
Once they’ve conjured up this standard, they try and use it as a sort of box that they want you to live in so that they can keep you under control and so that they stay the same (they need the box to avoid facing their own ‘stuff’) – ultimately, what we’re talking about here is a kind of control freakery.
We can safely say that these people are control freaks because they’re filtering life through the ego and the only way that their ego can maintain its hold over them is if you voluntarily put yourself in this kind of a box so that they can stay in their comfort zone.
Ultimately, the way that this box takes shape by demanding that you be something that you’re not.
Three really common examples or, areas where this happens are in relationships, friendships and at work.
So, for example, in relationships, your partner might say, “Right, if you don’t remember every single little detail of my life, then you don’t love me” – and ultimately that’s impossible because nobody can remember every single little detail of somebody’s life (and doing so has nothing to do with love but how good your memory is).
As soon as you buy into this idea and trying living up to it as though it’s actual reality, well, you’re putting yourself up for all kinds of guilt trips. They’re going to be able to control you. They’re going to say, “Well, because you don’t remember every little detail of my life and you don’t love me, you’re going to have to walk my dog and you’re going to have to do this, you’re going to have to do that.”
It’s all bs though and it only maintains its hold over you because you choose to let it.
In friendships, they might say something like, “If you don’t lend me £1000 (or whatever) you’re not a real friend” – and the box, ultimately, is shaped by this definition of “a real friend”.
That’s what all of these kinds of thing are about in relation to how you should “be”:
They create a label that is ultimately a mask for all kinds of bs that you can never live up to but that you’re required to live up to in order to receive emotional validation. If you don’t know that you can give yourself this validation then you’ll be ensnared in the trap.
That’s really the whole point of these labels and ‘standard’ from the POV of the manipulator/blackmailer:
You’re not supposed to be able to live up to it because if you can, they’re not going to have anything to moan about and manipulate you with.
Anyway, so, in the ‘friendship’ thing, this kind of manipulation shows up like this:
“If you don’t call me every night and listen to me talk about all my problems nonstop, you’re not a real friend.”
“If you don’t drop all of your plans, you’re not a real friend.”
Basically, the box is the idea of a “real friend” and they can come up with all kinds of highfalutin ideas about what it means to live in that box. But actually, you don’t want to live in the box. That’s the whole point. You want to get out of it.
The third thing is, third example here is at work, your boss might say, “If you don’t work on a Saturday, then you’re not going to get that promotion. You’re not a good employee”, or “If you don’t stay and do overtime, even though it’s not in your contract, then you obviously don’t care about this place, and you’re not part of the family here in the workplace, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”.
It’s all nonsense. They’re saying that you should be a certain thing so that you can live up to their standards and climb into another one of those ‘boxes’.
As soon as you try to be whatever that is, instead of realising that it’s just pure nonsense and refusing to feed into it, then you’ve been manipulated.
In all of these cases, emotional manipulation only works if you let it – whether it’s about taking responsibility for their feelings, their choices, or trying to live up to being some unreal standard just so that their ego can maintain its hold over them, the solution in all cases is the same, and it’s very simple:
Don’t feed into it with your own ego.
The only reason you’d buy into this kind of manipulation is because your ego is causing you to believe something unreal, and so, the solution, as always – because “REAL ALWAYS WORKS” – is to step back, find your realness, and to ground yourself in something true.
And as soon as you do that, you’re no longer pouring gasoline on the fire by allowing your ego to meet their ego.
Now, often if you resist – in fact, usually if you resist – the next level after the initial manipulation is that they’re going to try and punish you:
They might make threats or they might give you the silent treatment. They might call you all kinds of names. They might constantly put you on a guilt trip and try to make you feel bad.
We could fill a whole thick book with examples of the kind of punishment that these manipulators are going to try and enforce upon you if you don’t buy into the manipulation… but in all cases, the solution is the same and it’s simply to just not feed into it.
As soon as somebody gives you the silent treatment, for example, and you start chasing after them and trying to beseech them and get down on your knees and beg that they start talking to you again, all you’ve done is managed to show them that the manipulation is working.
In other words, any attempts to appease them by giving them what they want is only going to make the situation worse.
So let’s take a quick look at how by just being REAL you can give yourself an immunization to the emotional manipulation and black by not feeding it.
Don’t feed the Gremlin.
“Do not feed the gremlin” – this is the lesson to remember next.
The solution to the problem of emotional manipulation is always to find your realness again.
I know that sounds simplistic, but the only way that you can be manipulated is because you had a moment of being unreal that taught whoever is manipulating you how to press your buttons – and if you have a button that can be pressed, it simply means that you have some unresolved shame or guilt – or even trauma (in the most extreme cases) – around something that whenever it’s pressed causes you to react in an unreal way.
The mechanics behind this are simple:
Every time that button is pressed, it’s ultimately just causing your emotions to send your ego kicking into gear – once this has been triggered you’re going to feed into the ego dance between yourself and the manipulator where you’re engaged in the power battle we talked about for being responsible for their feelings, their choices, and being whatever it is that they say you should be – so that they can finally approve of you and make you feel good (when if you focus on being REAL, you can naturally feel good about yourself anyway without them giving you the approval and validation and all that kind of stuff).
And so, what I’m saying is that you need to take the power back by realising that the only person who can press your buttons is you – and you can only do that by facing the underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that is causing those buttons to be ‘pressable’ in the first place.
There are a few strategies here that can help you in relation to these emotional manipulators and they’re all very simple:
The overarching strategy is what I’ve already said:
Don’t feed the Gremlin.
If you realise that somebody is emotionally manipulating you, then the best thing to do is to ignore them. If somebody is giving you the silent treatment, for example, ignore them right back until they cool off and come back.
Let them go off and be silent and brood and do whatever it is that they’re doing – just don’t chase after them. That’s the worst thing you can do.
If somebody is giving you the whole spiel about how if you don’t do a certain thing, then you’re not a “good friend” or a “good lover” or a “good employee” or whatever else, let them think that and don’t be shaken from yourself.
“So be it. Okay, then. I’m not a good lover. I’m not a good friend. I’m not a good employee. Oh, my God, the world is going to crumble around me.”
Not.
(Because the standard that they’re holding you accountable to is not real).
And so, ultimately, this is always the best policy: Just ignore them. Let them get on with it.
Don’t feed the Gremlin.
That will show you that they actually have no power over you – because by ignoring it, you’re kind of going to flip the script.
If they really do care about you, deep down, they’re going to have to come back to you and change the whole dynamic of the relationship by communicating in a different way and looking at how their behaviour is only serving their ego and not the relationship.
If they don’t? Well, remember the sacred mantra:
“Gimme something REAL or GTFO”.
So that’s the ultimate way to avoid the manipulation. Just ignore it and don’t feed that gremlin.
If you got some ego stuff going on, that’s going to be hard. You’re going to have a little voice in your head saying, “Oh, help me Lord, I can’t believe I’m ignoring this person. I’m a bad person”.
Or, you’ll have another niggling voice saying, “Oh, Heaven’s above, what if I am a bad lover? What if I am a bad friend?”
No. That voice is your conditioning but you’ve confused it for your conscience. It’s the ego.
If you’re coming from a place of wholeness and you care about that person and you’re there for them, but you still care about yourself and your own life, that doesn’t make you a bad anything – it means you have healthy boundaries (shock! horror!).
You’re a human being, and there’s no point trying to live up to these UNREAL standards that people create so that they can manipulate you for their own shame-driven reasons (don’t judge them, though, just ignore them and don’t feed the gremlin)!
You can set boundaries or walk away if someone is manipulating you.
The other two things that you can do are:
One, you can just say “No!” and set the boundaries.
Boundaries always begin by saying “No” to the unreal ‘stuff’ and “Yes” to the REAL.
You might have to say it a few times but eventually they’ll get the message…
There’s a famous technique in assertiveness training called the ‘Broken Record Technique’ where you literally just say the same line every time.
So if somebody says to you, for example, “Go walk my dog or I’m going to jump off a bridge”, you can say, “Well, look, I really don’t want you to jump off a bridge because I love you and I care about you, but I’m not going to walk your dog right now because I have to go focus on my own thing and do some yoga or whatever.”
Then they’ll come back at you with more manipulation, “Oh, you don’t love me, blah, blah, blah. You want me to jump off a bridge”.
Just say the same thing (like a broken record):
“Well, actually I really don’t want you to jump off a bridge because I really love you and I think you’re an amazing person. But I have to go do this other thing right now. Sorry about that.”
The other thing you can do is to remember the super ultimate mantra that comes into play in all relationships, which is the one I mentioned above:
“Gimme something real or GTFO”.
If somebody is only ever manipulating you and your attempts to not buy into it or to set boundaries don’t work, then you’re actually allowed to just walk away.
And maybe when you do walk away, they’ll reflect and they’ll realise that they need to change their way of doing things – or maybe you’ll never see them again, but it’s better to be alone than in unreal company.
If you know that and you have an abundance mindset – which means you can understand there are other opportunities out there and that you don’t have to put up with this kind of treatment – life gets way easier and more real as you’ll remove unnecessary drama from your life.
So in the face of manipulation and blackmail you can either:
- Ignore it by remembering not to feed the gremlin and so it loses it’s power.
- You can say “No” and set boundaries (which may make things worse depending on the person).
- You can just GTFO and go find someone who actually appreciates you and isn’t going to manipulate you.
Three reasons why people may not step into their realness in the face of emotional manipulation:
So I want to finish this article with three main reasons why people may not step into their realness and end this cycle of manipulation that they may have found themselves in.
These are really common reasons, and if you understand them, it’s going to give you that awareness to be able to make that choice to step into something real and not keep going around in circles trying to please somebody who can never ever be pleased.
The bottom line with all this is that manipulators and blackmailers can’t be pleased – they’re a black hole of shame that has consumed them:
They don’t want to be pleased. They want to manipulate you so they can feel powerful – and if you understand that, it’s going to make it easier to step into your realness and be who you need to be.
The first reason that stops a lot of people ending this cycle of emotional manipulation is that they have unresolved shame and guilt themselves (they’re shame-driven people, ultimately, and so they don’t know how to be real because the opposite of realness is ego which is always fuelled by shame).
If you have guilt, you’re going to be really easy to control, because guilt is ultimately just a useless case of some external voice infiltrating our brains and telling us that there’s something wrong with us because we’re not doing this or we’re not doing that (shame, in contrast, is about there something ‘wrong’ with your being itself – always unreal!).
If you’re carrying guilt like this, then you’re ultimately going to have buttons that can be pressed.
And it’s the same with shame:
If you have feelings of worthlessness or that you’re not good enough, it means that you don’t accept yourself and that you’re avoiding something inside your experience of who you are that’s causing these buttons to be ‘pressable’ in the first place. And so actually, the solution is to face those unresolved emotions.
Normally, what happens when people face them, they finally (after years of avoidance) just look at them head on, is they dissolve. It’s the resistance that causes them to linger in the first place. And we resist them by hiding behind our own egos.
As soon as we take the ego out of the equation and we take a good long look at what’s going on inside us, those buttons can no longer be pressed, because the buttons mean that we’re resisting something.
When we turn inwards and we face the truth about who we are, we are going to be way less likely to be ‘manipulatable’, because people will still try and press the buttons, but – like I said earlier – we now realise that the power of the button is in our hands.
That’s the most important thing to remember:
You can only be manipulated if your buttons can be pressed; your buttons can only be pressed if you’re resisting something; the power to face things is always in your hands.
So you can avoid all kinds of external ‘button pressing’ by staying grounded in your realness and by understanding what’s making those buttons ‘pressable’ in the first place.
All you need to do is start finding ways to make whatever you’re resisting dissolve, which always means bringing the truth into our lives, allowing the unconscious to become conscious.
Once you do this, you’ll be free of your own inner fragmentation whilst also being free of the external fragmentation in the form of these relationships where you get endlessly manipulated until you reclaim your power.
The second thing that stops people from staying real – being grounded in their realness in the face of these emotional manipulators, and either ignoring what they’re doing (ignoring the silent treatment, for example, or walking away, or setting a boundary) – is a fear of conflict.
They’re worried that if they go back to being real, then the unreal person in this situation – the emotional manipulator – is going to do something that the real person, or the person trying to break the cycle, can’t tolerate – or is going to cause them to be in a situation where they feel lonely, or they feel bad about themselves, or whatever it is.
When this happens it’s actually just a sign that you (the person being manipulated/blackmailed in this scenario) don’t have an abundance mindset.
For example, maybe you’re in a relationship and somebody is constantly manipulating you and you’ve tried to set the boundary or whatever it is, and you’re ready to step up – to actually call them out on it – but you’re worried that they’re going to end the relationship if you do.
Well… that’s because you have a scarcity mindset.
An abundance mindset would show you that if they do end the relationship, maybe that’s for the best.
Because why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that’s manipulating you all the time, even after you set boundaries and expressed what’s REAL to you?
It’s the same with a friendship:
If you have a friend who’s always taking the p*ss and trying to send you on a guilt trip or whatever it is…
Maybe, for example, you call attention to it and they say, “Right, that’s it, F you, I’m not your friend anymore” and they disappear.
Is this a ‘bad’ thing or have they just done you a favour?
The same with a job:
Obviously, jobs and our ability to pay the bills and stuff are intertwined – but, at the end of the day, if you tell your boss that you’re sick of this emotional manipulation and he says, “Right, that’s it – you’re fired!”
Well, s/he’s just done you a favour as well – but if you have a scarcity mindset, you’re not going to realise that you can go replace these things – your unreal relationships, ‘friendships’, employment situations, or whatever they are – and because you’re probably replacing them with something better or more REAL, well…it’s nothing to worry about.
It just means some short term discomfort as you rearrange the fabric of your life and go from unreal to real.
The third main reason that stops people from breaking the cycle of emotional manipulation by being real is that they actually have empathy and compassion for the person manipulating them.
Now, empathy and compassion, we all like those things, right?
Obviously, it’s very important to have them.
But in this case of dealing with an emotional manipulator, empathy and compassion are actually your enemies. They just make the situation worse.
For example, if you start telling yourself a story like “this person is manipulating me because they had a difficult childhood”, or “they’re going through a lot of stress at the moment”, or whatever it is, you’re actually making your life more difficult, because by doing that, it’s going to change your thinking and feeling in that way is going to change your behaviour towards the person and you’re going to cave into the manipulations.
In a strange way, the empathy and compassion are just going to make you more easy to manipulate in this kind of scenario.
What you need to do is remind yourself that manipulators are human beings too:
We can have sympathy for them and understand that, “Okay, life is difficult and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”, but we need to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and so if you’re putting them before yourself in this situation, you’re just going to keep being manipulated because you’re showing them that you are going to submit to them and their manipulations. In other words, the cycle is never going to end.
This doesn’t make you a ‘bad’ person. It just means you may have to be a little bit emotionally reserved so that you don’t give into their ego ‘stuff’ and whatever sob story comes with it because – the moment that you do – you’re giving your power over to them.
None of this is to say that we shouldn’t be compassionate in life – it just means that in this particular case, if you’re too compassionate towards someone that’s manipulating you, you’re just giving them permission to keep doing it.
So that’s ultimately all I need to say for now:
Emotional manipulation is a power struggle. “Power” is the key word because the only way that you can give away your power is by giving into illusions, which means that your ego is in control instead of your realness.
As soon as you do that, you meet the ego of the manipulator with your own ego because of your own unconscious shame and guilt and trauma and all these kind of things, then you’re just going to keep this cycle, this dance of emotional manipulation going by feeding the gremlin.
You can end the cycle at any time by just being real and not feeding into it – but to do that, you have to really be grounded in your realness because the manipulator is going to challenge you:
They’re going to try and make things worse. They’re going to push those buttons more and more and more.
But if you just stay real and you stay grounded, it’s almost impossible to be manipulated.
After reading this (long ass) article you know that there’s people trying to make you responsible for their feelings and their choices – or that they’re trying to get you to be something you never can be.
You’re going to see this all over the place. And it’s not just between people in ‘real’ life:
You turn on the TV, someone’s going to be manipulating you; you’re scrolling through your social media, some influencer is going to be trying to manipulate you – it’s everywhere.
But no matter where you’re experiencing this, it’s always the same:
You’re either being unreal because your ego is feeding into it, or you’ve been real and you can just keep flowing and do your own thing without any of this bs holding you back – making you feel bad, or just getting in the way of living a real life and being who you really are – not who they’re demanding that you to be because of their own ‘stuff’.
Stay real out there,
If you want to grow into your REALNESS then either book a call with me or sign-up for my free 7-Day course in REALNESS and life purpose.
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