How to Get Over Someone You Love (Really)

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

You’re Not “Heart Broken”, You’re “Ego Broken”

Losing someone you love (for whatever reason) is one of the hardest things a human being can go through:

The double-whammy of the loss of a future you imagined and of a cherished connection severed feels like a rupture in the very fabric of your being and – to make matters worse – scientists have shown that heartbreak isn’t just poetic metaphor but actually affects us on a physical level as well as mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually.

If you’re trying to figure out what you can you do after this kind of loss then this article is for you:

It’s about how to pick up the pieces and get moving again in a REAL way so that you don’t simply survive but become stronger, more real, and more whole.

This site is about realness which means it isn’t about dealing in platitudes but about seeing what’s true, releasing what isn’t, and stepping into your actual life instead of your imagined life.

I’m going to hand you the actual ‘secret’ for getting over someone you love and living again instead of feeling broken.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

You get over someone you love by letting the light still shine.

How to Get Over Someone You Love (Really): What We Cover in This Article

You’re Not “Heart Broken”, You’re “Ego Broken”
The Myth of the Broken Heart
The Way to Get Over Someone You Love: Reality, Not Repression
What to Do with the Feelings (and the Body)
Getting Over Someone You Love: The Real Secret
Practical Steps: From Awareness to Action
How to Get Over Someone You Love: The Final Word

The Myth of the Broken Heart

First, let’s dismantle a major myth that holds so many people back:

The truth is that society tells us your heart can be broken and so that you need to get over someone you love because you “have a broken heart”.

This is something that’s deeply ingrained in songs, movies, and day-to-day conversations but it’s a massive misconception because of one simple fact:

What’s real is always real and so your heart – the real you, the whole you – can’t actually be ‘broken’.

This is important to understand because it helps you to see that what many people experience when a relationship ends is not a broken heart, but a broken ego.

Here’s what I mean:

We invest our identity in a relationship maybe more than anything else:

We imagine one person will be “the one” and so we imagine a future with that person. Our ego tells us that “If I’m with you, then I’m safe; then I matter; then my life makes sense” and so it’s only natural that -when the relationship ends – that identity shatters and we find ourselves with all kinds of uncertainty and fear about who we are without the relationship that our identity was rooted in.

In other words, it’s not the ‘heart’ that shatters (which is impossible because, like we said, what’s real is always real) – it’s the ego’s story about who you were, who you were with, and who you were going to become.

The ego’s vision of the future = what we thought the relationship meant and so the moment that vision changes – perhaps once and for all – you feel the shock of loss and this affects your whole system.

This causes you to suffer all the symptoms of heartbreak:

You cling to what was ‘meant’ to be (really, just your old ideas), you cling to the “what if” and the “if only”, etc. etc. etc. but the more you cling, the more you resist reality which is literally always the worst idea because it just causes you to stay in friction, frustration, and then misery because then you’re not living what actually is.

So step one, then, is simple:

Recognise that your heart isn’t broken.

Your heart remains whole but what’s wounded is the ego’s story – the identity, the vision, the narrative that it needed to keep it’s hold over you.

This subtle shift in understanding is foundational to getting over someone you love and actually moving forward.

The Way to Get Over Someone You Love: Reality, Not Repression

Once you see what’s actually going on, you begin to see a way forward:

You learn to deal with it in a real way which means embracing what is, surrendering what was, and CHOOSING what will be (instead of having it ‘chosen’ for you by what your ego is telling you).

Here are three key truths to guide you:

1. There’s a difference between Love and a Relationship

One reason heartbreak hits so hard is because we make a flawed assumption that goes like this:

“If I love someone, I should have a relationship with them“.

That seems logical, but life doesn’t always follow this pattern because you can love someone and not be compatible for a healthy, happy relationship with them – usually due to things like timing, character, life path, or simply because you were projecting a future that wasn’t aligned with what was real because of your own underlying emotional ‘stuff’ (usually, shame, guilt, and/or trauma).

Accepting the distinction between love and relationships is really powerful:

It allows you to still hold the love – the real love you feel that hasn’t gone anywhere but you may be trying to suppress to “get over it” – whilst also seeing clearly that a relationship with that person wasn’t workable (or ‘right’).

When you hold both: “I love you/ I still feel love” and “we couldn’t be relationship-compatible / we weren’t on the same path” – you stop punishing the love and stop fighting a lost future.

Instead, you open yourself to truth instead of illusion.

2. Abundance versus Scarcity Mindset

Heartbreak often comes with the story:

“This was the only one who could make me happy“.

This is an example of ego-driven, scarcity thinking and basically puts you in the position of thinking and acting like:

“If this person is gone, then my happiness is gone”.

(Which means that you turned them into a magical unicorn).

This story just keeps you stuck because you’re waiting for something that already left or retreating into what you already lost.

The real approach is to adopt an abundance mindset instead:

What this means is to realise there are many people out there to love and many people who will love you back. More importantly, it means embracing the fact that there are many possibilities for a relationship that actually works because you have love and compatibility (instead of just one or the other).

This doesn’t diminish the love you felt for the person you’re trying to get over but it also doesn’t imprison you in one (dead) scenario.

Instead, you open the door to new life and new wholeness.

3. Give Up the Quest for “Closure”

Our brains hate open loops and unanswered questions and so they continue to go around in circles seeking ‘answers’ they can never find:

We replay scenes of cherished moments now lost, constantly ask “why?”, hope they’ll call or send a text – it keeps going on and on until we finally believe that loop is ‘closed’ and we have some kind of ‘closure’ about everything that’s happened.

Here’s the truth, though:

‘Closure’ is just a conceptual story built on the assumption that we can know everything about what happened, why it happened, and what should happen next even though we can never know this.

Instead of chasing closure, learn to let go instead:

Accept that it’s over even though the feelings you had for the person are still lingering and the story you imagined about the future will probably no longer happen.

That’s enough ‘closure’ to allow you to move forward:

You don’t need an explanation or a perfect ending – you simply need acceptance.

Accept the end, accept the love you still carry, and accept that you don’t need to do anything with that love – no relationship, no text, no fix.

Just let it be and accept the reality you find yourself in.

What to Do with the Feelings (and the Body)

When a relationship ends, you often react in one of two ways with your feelings and desires:

You do something (send the text, try to rekindle it, etc)

or:
You suppress the feelings (“I’ll bury it, pretend it doesn’t exist”).

Neither one of these approaches serves you because it causes you to RESIST reality and what’s actually going on for you.

The real approach is to OBSERVE:

Let the feelings be; don’t act on them; don’t suppress them.

Instead, let them move through you like guests surfacing at a dinner table – don’t invite them to stay but you don’t ask them to leave either.

You simply notice: “Here’s sadness. Here’s longing. Here’s old hope“.

When you can hold these feelings without acting or burying, you align with reality (what is) rather than resisting it (what you wish was).

It’s also important to recognise the physical element at play:

When love ‘ends’ (not that real love can ‘end’), it isn’t just a mental story – there’s a literal biochemical shift. in your body and so hormones like oxytocin and dopamine drop, the stress hormone cortisol rises, and neural networks linked to physical pain become active when you feel emotional pain.

There’s even a term for one acute physical manifestation: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy (broken-heart syndrome) which where extreme emotional stress momentarily weakens the heart muscle.

In a way it makes sense to treat heartbreak like an addiction:

Your brain and nervous system were wired to that person and that imagined future. Now, you’re detoxing and so you need to regulate your nervous system, return to wholeness, and re-set your baseline.

You will also benefit and star to heal by creating a new vision for your life and devoting yourself to that with real goals and habits.

Getting Over Someone You Love: The Real Secret

Here it is – the secret every heart broken person is looking for and the path to moving on and into realness:

Accept the love (because it’s real), ‘do’ nothing with it (no forced ‘fix‘, no suppression), create a vision for your future, and take real action.

You aren’t distributing your love elsewhere to fill a void – instead, you’re recognising the love, letting it exist, and letting it become a part of you rather than your lost future.

In other words, you’re shifting from an unreal stance of “someone else was my whole world” to a real stance of “my whole world is within me and I choose to expand it”.

You’re not broken but your ego’s shape changed, your story changed, and your path changed.

What remains is your wholeness and your capacity to go deeper into it.

If you want to go deeper than ever into your own realness then read Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.

Practical Steps: From Awareness to Action

Here are concrete steps you can take right now to move through this process based on the framework I use in my coaching containers with clients: Awareness → Acceptance → Action.

Step 1: Awareness (Deconstruct Ego)

Sit quietly and write down how you’re feeling: the love you still hold, the pain of the loss, the identity you had and need to grow through.
Recognise the myth that your heart is broken. Instead, reframe it: your heart is whole but what’s ‘broken’ is the ego’s story of you + them + future.
Notice bodily signs: maybe you can’t sleep, you’ve lost appetite, chest aches, your mind goes in loops. These are real signals from your nervous system that show you you need to become more regulated.
Accept these as part of the process of growing real, not as proof you’re ‘failing’.

Step 2: Acceptance (Integrate the Shadow)

Write a statement that affirms reality: “I accept that this relationship is over. I accept that I still feel love. I accept that I don’t need a relationship with this person to validate that love.“
Meditate or breathe: just observe the sensations of loss and let the feelings come. No acting, no suppressing. Just presence.
Shift mindset from scarcity to abundance by reminding yourself “There are many options for love and what I have lost was not the only way”.
Release the need for closure: write a letter to yourself (not to them) acknowledging that you will likely never get all the answers… and that’s okay. Tear it up or delete it after. Then move on.

Step 3: Action (Trust Yourself and Life)

Visioning: Create a vivid description of your future self and the qualities they embody (e.g. stronger, freer, aligned with truth (your Realness)). What are you doing? Who are you being?
Set goals/habits: pick 3 habits that support that vision (e.g., yoga every morning; journalling; socialising with real friends).
Reset your nervous system: ensure you get enough sleep, eat whole foods, move your body). These help regulate the cortisol/dopamine shifts.
Create new rituals: pick something to mark the end of the old chapter (a symbolic walk, burning a list of old hopes, a day offline) then pick something to mark the beginning of the new (a vision board, a weekly date with yourself, a new hobby).
Social support: connect with friends and have real conversations (you don’t need to perform “fine”). Real talk heals realness.
Time-frame: Don’t rush. Set mini-check-ins (e.g., weekly) where you review how you feel, what’s shifting, and what you’re choosing instead of what you’re losing.

You get over someone you love by letting things fall together instead of apart.

How to Get Over Someone You Love: The Final Word

Heartbreak, when seen through the lens of realness, becomes an invitation not to shrink away from yourself and your life but to GROW REAL:

You’re not defined by the relationship that ended; you’re defined by your willingness to accept what is, love what remains (including yourself), and move into a deeper foundation of truth on which to build your life..

Understand that the pain is real but temporary and so the body will react and the ego will flail as old stories collapse around you.

Even so, your heart – your wholeness – remains intact and so you can and will rebuild… not around someone else, but around your own realness.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to let go of old stories and to find your real life again then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you take real action.

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.

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Real Always Works

You’re Not “Heart Broken”, You’re “Ego Broken”

How to Get Over Someone You Love (Really): What We Cover in This Article

The Myth of the Broken Heart

The Way to Get Over Someone You Love: Reality, Not Repression