by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

The Only Barrier to Real Intimacy is Shame but Lingering Shame is Always Unreal

Most people think that struggles with intimacy are about communication skills or finding the ‘right person but they’re not:

The real obstacle is shame and how shame hides itself behind the mask of ego.

When shame isn’t dealt with, it doesn’t just sit quietly in the background – instead, it builds an entire false self around it (the ego). This false self is a version of you that doesn’t show too much, doesn’t risk too much, and certainly doesn’t let anyone in too close because it’s worried that if any of these things happen then the ‘real’ you will be seen and the shame will become too much to bear.

This is why we can say that the ego is the main block to intimacy:

Because intimacy – real intimacy -demands being seen but the ego keeps blocking the view.

Really, it’s not rocket science: you can’t be seen if you’re too busy putting on a show.

In this article, we’ll unpack how shame works, how it hides behind ego, and what to do if you want real intimacy instead of just playing relationships on ‘easy’ mode but never really being satisfied (because the only thing that can satisfy us in relationships is real intimacy).

Let’s dig a little deeper:

Intimacy is always more difficult when shame is involved.

Shame: Disconnection From the Truth

When you’re in your realness – connected to the truth about who you are, what the world is, and how reality works – shame has no power over you.

This is because shame can only exist when there’s a break between you and the truth itself.

This is exactly what the story of Adam and Eve is really about:

They weren’t ashamed until they ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil – until they became self-conscious, divided and stuck in the judgement that comes from stepping away from wholeness and entering the unreal realm of fragmentation.

The shame didn’t come from being inherently ‘bad’ – it came from being disconnected from the truth of who they were and their true nature.

In many ways, the same thing happens today:

We disconnect from our realness (by buying into unreal ideas).
We judge ourselves based on some external standard (aka ‘The world’ which is never reality).
We feel not ‘enough’ because we have ‘knowledge’ that we don’t need.
We create a persona to cover it up (just like Adam and Eve did with their fig leaves).

This persona is the ego and all of the goals that we end up chasing because of it – i.e. the things we pursue because we think they’ll somehow be able to fill the Void that only the truth itself can fill (because the disconnection from truth it’s what’s causing the void in the first place).

Once we’re locked into this persona system and begin to attach to and identify with it, it becomes very difficult to let people get close because they would have to meet you, not the persona.

And that feels risky and we don’t think we can handle such risk (again, because we became disconnected from the truth).

The Illusion That Keeps Shame Alive: Judgement

Shame doesn’t survive on its own – it relies on judgement to keep reminding it why it’s ‘supposed’ to exist in the first place.

This is because judgement creates the illusion of duality – right/wrong, worthy/unworthy, acceptable/unacceptable, etc.

Without this illusion, shame has no oxygen and so it can’t keep it’s hold over us.

The irony, of course, is that most of the time, the harshest judge against you is yourself:

You’re the one keeping shame alive by measuring yourself against impossible standards and then going back into hiding when you fall short.

When you get stuck in shame cycles like this, you believe there’s something about you that disqualifies you from being truly loved and so you cling even more vehemently to ego in order to compensate.

The problem is, ego doesn’t want real connection – it wants control.

Two Types of People: Shame-Driven vs Shame-Dissolving

If you zoom out and look at human behaviour, you can pretty much divide people into two groups (based on how the react or respond to their own shame):

Shame-Driven People:

These people built their personalities around avoiding shame:

Every decision – relationships, careers, image, conversations, whatever -is filtered through ego.They don’t want to be seen; they want to be approved of.

Shame-driven people might seem confident, successful, even charming but underneath it’s all about maintaining the mask.
Shame-Dissolving People:

These people are in the process of coming back to realness:

They’re integrating the shadow, letting go of false images, and learning to live in the truth.

They aren’t perfect – no one is – but they are willing to be seen as they really are, without filtering every move through the question: “How will this make me look?”

The difference is whether a person is reacting to shame or starting to take the mask of and dissolve it.
Unfortunately, most of the world is still reacting to it which is why things just seem to get weirder and weirder and become increasingly unreal.

Why Most Relationships Feel Shallow

A lot of modern relationships aren’t built on real connection – they’re built on an unspoken agreement:

“I’ll pretend to be what you want if you pretend to be what I want.”

That’s why:

People feel lonely even when they’re in relationships.
People get bored and restless even when nothing is ‘wrong’.
People keep chasing ‘better’ – a better partner, better spark, better communication – but can’t explain why it still feels hollow.

The problem isn’t the relationship:

The problem is that the real you and the real them never showed up.

When ego is driving the bus, no matter how good things look on paper, intimacy is impossible because intimacy requires realness and the ego is allergic to being seen.

Practical Signs You’re Still Letting Shame and Ego Run the Show

Let’s be specific:

If shame and ego are still running your life (even subtly), it often shows up like this:

You edit yourself in conversations, trying to say the ‘right’ thing (instead of expressing whatever it is that you really think).
You’re scared to bring up real feelings because you might seem too much or that you’ll be rejected in some way (and that you won’t be able to handle this rejection because your ego depends on approval and acceptance).
You’re more focused on whether people like you than whether you actually like them (and you even want people you don’t like to like you).
You chase people who validate the image you want to believe about yourself (and find those who tell you the truth or offer you opportunities to grow offensive and/or repulsive).
You feel exhausted after socialising because maintaining the mask is tiring (because it always takes energy to be unreal whereas our realness charges us up).

None of this makes you a bad person – it just means you’re still operating from the belief that you have to earn love by performing instead of just being real.

The good news is that you can shift it because you can always come back to your realness.

How To Actually Build Real Intimacy (Without Forcing It)

Step 1: Get Honest With Yourself First

You can’t expect other people to see the real you if you’re still hiding from yourself so start asking:

Where am I pretending or hiding?
What am I afraid people would see if I stopped performing?
What’s the real story behind the way I show up?

Step 2: Choose to Lead With the Truth

This doesn’t mean oversharing or turning every conversation into a therapy session – it simply means showing up as you are, not the polished version you think people want to see.

For example:

If you don’t know something, admit it.
If you’re nervous, say so.
If you’re upset, be willing to talk about it instead of pretending you’re fine.

Step 3: Stop Chasing Approval

Real intimacy can’t be achieved – it can only be received:

If you have to perform for someone’s affection, that’s not intimacy – it’s a transaction and it’s totally unreal.

Instead of chasing validation, focus on building relationships where you can be real from the start. They’re the relationships that will last (because what’s real is always real).

Step 4: Let People Reveal Themselves

Remember that not everyone deserves access to your real self:

Trust is earned — not in grand gestures, but in small consistent moments where it’s safe to be seen.

If someone judges, mocks, or manipulates when you’re real, that’s feedback to move on and find something real instead.

(The sacred mantra will always serve you: “Gimme something real or GTFO“).

Intimacy is about being known and knowing in return.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, shame isn’t some mysterious force that randomly infects people – it’s simply what happens when we disconnect from the truth and build a life around hiding instead of being real.

The ego was built to protect you in the short-term but it’s not who you are in the long-term.

The way home is always the same:

Uncover the truth.
Live and breathe the truth.
Choose realness over performance – even when it feels uncomfortable.

When you do, intimacy stops being a battlefield and starts being what it was always meant to be:

A meeting of two real people in wholeness, without shame, without masks, and without fear.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.