by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Why Acceptance and Adaptation of Psychological Patterns Beat Wishful Thinking Every Time
Human beings are pattern-spotting machines:
This is actually one of the main reasons we’ve survived this long as a species without getting collectively eaten, poisoned, or wiped off the face of the earth.
Our brains have evolved to detect patterns in nature, in people, in circumstances, and even in life itself so that we can act quickly and efficiently when needed:
You see those stripes over there in the bushes? Don’t stick around – it might be a tiger (though, probably not if you live in the UK). Notice the same cloud formations before a storm? Time to head for shelter.
This ability has been so finely tuned over millennia that it’s become our default operating system:
We trust patterns because they keep us safe but, still, in the modern world, many of us ignore them – especially when it comes to our relationships, our daily routines, and our personal growth.
Why? Because patterns don’t always tell us what we’re ready to hear.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Psychological Patterns: What We’ll Cover in this Article
- Why Acceptance and Adaptation of Psychological Patterns Beat Wishful Thinking Every Time
- The Beauty and the Burden of Psychological Patterns
- When Ego and Wishful Thinking Get in the Way
- Accept and Adapt: The Two-Step Strategy for Dealing With Psychological Patterns
- Real-Life Examples of Pattern Recognition
- Why Psychological Patterns and Pattern Recognition Matters
- Practical Steps: How to See, Accept, and Adapt to Patterns
- Psychological Patterns: The Final Word
The Beauty and the Burden of Psychological Patterns
Let’s start with the obvious which is that patterns are there to help us navigate life in a real way:
When reality consistently repeats itself, it’s usually giving us a message but the trouble is that sometimes we’d rather listen to the voice of wishful thinking than to the actual data unfolding in front of our faces.
This can cause all kinds of unnecessary problems in our lives:
Take relationships, for example – if you notice that every time you meet with a certain friend, they dominate the conversation and never ask about you, that’s not a one-off – it’s a confirmed pattern.
Even though you’ve already started to become aware of this pattern, however, it might be the case that instead of accepting that this person is relentlessly self-centred, you might find that it’s easier to try and convince yourself that “This time they’ll be different”, or that “This time they’ll listen”…only to end up finding yourself shocked and frustrated when they don’t.
This kind of shock and frustration is always unnecessary because the pattern was there all along.
Of course, the brain isn’t perfect and so, occasionally, it overreaches – this is where conspiracy theories, superstition, and seeing ‘signs’ everywhere even when there aren’t any come in:
This doesn’t mean that conspiracy theories can’t be true, superstition doesn’t exist for a reason, or that signs can’t be real – just that the mind sometimes find patterns where none exist (what psychologists call apophenia).
In general, though, when something shows up repeatedly and consistently, we’re better off believing it than fighting it because it’s showing us something about actual REALITY worth paying attention to.
When Ego and Wishful Thinking Get in the Way
So why do we ignore patterns that are pointing us towards a better understanding of something real (especially when – if you read this site regularly – you know that real always works):
Well, the two biggest culprits are wishful thinking and ego:
Wishful thinking is seductive because it whispers that maybe, just maybe, this time will be different and so we cling to our illusions because reality can feel harsh and we have some underlying emotional ‘stuff’ that causes us to be avoidant of it.
This is why things like admitting that someone will never change or that a situation will always be the same takes away our fantasy of control and so we would rather resist in the face of evidence to the contrary (in the form of those repeating patterns).
Ego, on the other hand, tells us we’re special:
That our willpower or our effort will somehow bend reality to suit us – for example, “If I just try harder, they’ll respect me” (even though you have enough evidence that you’re dealing with somebody who doesn’t really even respect themselves deep down) or “If I keep showing up early, eventually the doctor will see me on time” (even though you’ve seen hundreds of times already that such a thing is never gonna happen).
In short, ego resists reality because reality doesn’t flatter it and flattery is what the ego needs to maintain its hold over us.
Both wishful thinking and ego set us up for frustration, resentment, and wasted time, and – even worse -they always disconnect us from the very thing that could actually help us grow more real:
The Truth.
Accept and Adapt: The Two-Step Strategy for Dealing With Psychological Patterns
When we notice a pattern, we have two things that we need to do about it:
- Accept it
- Adapt to it
The only other alternative is to keep rejecting reality and to keep bashing our heads against the wall (spoiler: the wall always wins).
Acceptance doesn’t mean defeat – it just means recognising things as they are.
Adaptation means adjusting our approach to make the best of the reality we’ve just accepted.
Together, they form a sane and sustainable way of dealing with life and the patterns that it presents us with.
Real-Life Examples of Pattern Recognition
To bring this down to earth, here are a few examples from my own life and coaching practice:
1. The Perpetually Late Hospital
I’ve got a regular hospital appointment that I have to attend weekly and, without fail, they’re late. Always. Not just once or twice every so often – literally always.
Despite me knowing this, against all the evidence, I’ve found myself for whatever reason telling myself that, “This time will be different. This time they’ll run on schedule“, and so I naively show up early thinking that something magical will have taken place and then…what happens?
I wait. And wait some more. And then I sit there wasting my time and kicking myself for ignoring the pattern.
The reality is revealed in the pattern: they are late.
The acceptance is: they will always be late – no matter what I do.
The adaptation is: I turn up later instead. Sanity restored.
2. The Self-Centred Friend
We all know someone who can talk about themselves until the cows come home and then maybe even talk a little more for good measure.
If we don’t recognise that pattern, then we’ll keep expecting a different kind of interaction and keep being disappointed because we’re living in fantasy over reality.
The real move is to accept that it is what it is and this is who they are (because people don’t change unless they want to).
The way that we can adapt is to either adjust expectations (don’t look for deep listening from them) or limit time with them because as the sacred mantra goes: “Gimme something real or GTFO“,
3. The Shadow Within
Patterns aren’t just external – they live inside us too:
Maybe you carry an image of yourself as unshakeably strong, because the ego doesn’t want to admit to vulnerability but if the pattern of your emotional life shows that you do feel deeply and often, then ignoring that truth only creates distance from yourself (which just leads to all kinds of problems and a life in the Void).
Acceptance here is about facing your shadow: admitting the ‘parts’ of you that don’t fit the polished self-image that your ego thinks you need to hold onto. Adaptation is using that self-knowledge to grow in realness instead of hiding from it.
Why Psychological Patterns and Pattern Recognition Matters
Ignoring patterns isn’t just inconvenient – it’s damaging because it creates unnecessary friction in our relationships, eats away at our time, and undermines our equanimity.
Every time we deny reality, we fragment ourselves a little more and become more distanced from the REAL life we could and should be living.
When we embrace patterns, on the other hand – when we actually believe what reality is showing us and work with it instead of against it – then we save ourselves energy, sanity, and disappointment and gain clarity about how to move forward.
If you want to change your life, it isn’t about controlling every detail or bending people to your will but about recognising patterns, accepting them, and adapting wisely.
If you want to go deep into realness and flow then Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will help you take yourself there.
Practical Steps: How to See, Accept, and Adapt to Patterns
Here are some practical steps to bring this into your daily life:
1. Spot the Psychological Pattern
- Keep a journal of repeated experiences.
- Ask yourself: Has this happened more than twice? If yes, it might be a pattern. If it’s more than three times then pretty much definitely.
- Notice your emotional responses – frustration often points to ignored reality and opportunities to grow more real.
2. Question the Fantasy
- When you expect something to be different, pause and gather yourself in your body instead of just your head and all of its illusions and expectations.
- Ask: Is this expectation based on evidence or on wishful thinking?
- Recognise when your ego is trying to ‘win’ against reality and ground yourself back in your realness.
3. Accept the Truth
- Say it out loud: “This is how it is / It is what it is“.
- Drop the judgement and remember that acceptance isn’t resignation but clarity.
- Remember: reality doesn’t care about your preferences so they have zero effect on it.
4. Adapt Your Behaviour
- If someone is always late, plan accordingly or decide if you even want to meet them in the first place.
- If a friend is always self-absorbed, either adjust expectations or limit time with them.
- If you notice a personal pattern (anger, fear, avoidance), face it honestly and use it as a guide for growth.
5. Build a Pattern-Positive Mindset
- Instead of resisting reality, look for the opportunities within it.
- Ask yourself: How can I move with this pattern instead of against it?
- Treat adaptation as a skill: every adjustment you make is a victory over unnecessary suffering and aligns you more closely with reality so you can flow with life in a more real way.
Psychological Patterns: The Final Word
The point of all this is simple but powerful:
Consistent repeated patterns don’t lie.
If something keeps showing up in your life, pay attention and don’t waste your sanity trying to pretend it’s not there or fall into the trap of wishful thinking or letting your ego convince you that reality will bend to your will.
Instead, choose the healthier path:
Accept what is, adapt to it, and grow stronger into a stronger foundation of realness in the process.
In the end, fighting patterns means fighting reality and reality always wins.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to grow real and build a solid foundation for yourself and your life so you can take real action then book a free coaching call with me and I’ll help you get moving and keep you accountable.
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.
This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).
Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness is a book designed to help you look at your life from the inside-out so that you can stop holding yourself back and go get what you really want.
It contains 166 practical ‘Revolutions’ for awareness and over 8,000 Self-Guidance Questions for you to uncover new insight about yourself, the world, and reality that you can translate into action and start building your real life on the realest possible foundation.
Shadow Life is an exploration of the human shadow and the hidden side of our personalities. It looks at the masks we wear, where these masks come from, and how we can take them off.
The book explores how we can better manage our relationships with shame, guilt, and trauma in order to remove the Mask that the world has asked us to wear (and that we forgot we were wearing) so we can live an authentic life with less drama, chaos, or BS whilst we’re still around.
The Flow Builder Journal has everything you need to make the next 21-weeks of your life a turning point.
It has monthly, weekly, and daily (morning and evening) check-ins, tools and reflections to keep you in the zone and keep you flowing with zest and momentum.
If you want to get unstuck and grow REAL then check it out.
Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.
Join the 7-Day Bare Ass Minimum (BAM) Challenge and start to implement foundational health habits and a powerful life vision only a week from now.
