by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
What is Sexual Polarity in Relationships and Why is It Important?
This is a quick article about why sexual polarity sometimes dies in relationships but – before we dive into that – let’s quickly clarify what we mean by polarity:
In the context of relationships, polarity refers to the magnetic interplay of opposing but complementary energies.
Some ways that this is commonly described are as the pull between the masculine (yang) and the feminine (yin), the active and the receptive, the assertive and the surrendered, or in terms of many other opposites. We all embody in varying degrees with biological males tending to have more masculine energy and biological females tending to have more feminine energy (seeing as that’s how nature generally made it so we can keep on propagating the species).
This kind of healthy and real polarity is what creates attraction, intimacy, and deep connection and is the force that allows us to come together in a way that feels exciting, dynamic, and true.
When polarities – whether masculine/feminine, yin/yang, or assertive/receptive – are in motion, they create the spark that draws people together and keeps the relationship moving towards deeper wholeness and realness.
Without this interplay, relationships can feel stagnant or disconnected, and intimacy can start to fade until it dwindles completely.
Now that we’ve set the stage, let’s explore why polarity dies in so many relationships and how we can bring it back to life.
What We Cover in This Article
- What is Sexual Polarity in Relationships and Why is It Important?
- The Myth of 50:50
- The Shadow of the Ego: Why Polarity Dies
- The Dead Bedroom and the Frustration That Follows
- Authentic Relationships: Growth Into Intimacy
- David Deida, Yin & Yang, and Shiva & Shakti
- How to Restore Sexual Polarity in Your Relationship
The Myth of 50:50
When it comes to relationships, we’re often sold the idea that a ‘healthy’ partnership is a perfect balance of equality (“50-50” is the common phrase we like to use)
Here’s the thing, though: no relationship is truly 50-50 when it comes to polarity.
If both partners were to share equal energy, the result wouldn’t be a dynamic, thriving connection but would instead be boredom and stagnation.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that partners aren’t equal in worth or respect in a 50:50 kind of way – just that true intimacy can’t grow if both are operating from the same frequency and there is no movement or growth. In order for there to be any kind of interplay – which is what polarity creates – the energies need to dance and shift so that they can create some kind of spark.
Polarity, the dance between opposing but complementary energies, then, is essential to attraction, growth, and intimacy.
But when this natural force fades, it can lead to a “dead bedroom” type of scenario where the excitement is gone and frustration starts to take its place.
Once this stage is reached, the relationship begins to feel disconnected, lacking the realness and vibrancy that once defined it.
So, how did it all go wrong, and more importantly, how can we restore that dynamic spark?
Let’s dig a little deeper to find out:
The Shadow of the Ego: Why Polarity Dies
The short-version is that polarity in relationships starts to fade when both partners resist growth:
When we get too attached to ideas about who we think we are and lock ourselves into rigid ego roles, these roles – rooted in fear and control freakery – prevent us from expressing our full, authentic selves (including our real sexual energy). Instead of embodying the flow of our natural essence, we hide it away in the shadow territory of our unconscious mind and the disowned ‘parts’ of ourselves.
If you don’t know already, the shadow self is a psychological concept where we bury ‘parts’ of ourselves that don’t fit with our self-image, often out of shame or fear of rejection.
It’s this buried energy that blocks the authentic attraction and connection needed to sustain true intimacy. This means that when people cling to a stagnant, ego-based version of themselves, they effectively turn off the magnetic force that keeps the relationship alive.
Without polarity, the relationship becomes flat, and the sexual and emotional connection withers.
This is completely unnecessary because all we need to do to rebuild the connection is to start being REAL again.
The Dead Bedroom and the Frustration That Follows
When polarity dies, it’s not just the physical intimacy that’s affected – there’s a deep emotional frustration that grows for both partners.
This is the feeling of being ‘stuck’ and of no longer experiencing the exciting pull or dynamic connection that once brought you together. Both partners might feel frustrated in this situation – not because they don’t love each other, but because they don’t know how to feel real with each other anymore. This is purely because he energy is stagnant and – when energy isn’t moving – neither is the connection.
This frustration might manifest in physical ways, like the infamous “dead bedroom” where physical intimacy has become a rare occurrence, or in more subtle ways, like emotional distance, resentment, or apathy.
However it shows up, the the core issue remains the same:
When sexual polarity fades, so does the authenticity that allows for true connection.
Authentic Relationships: Growth Into Intimacy
What makes authentic relationships different is that they’re about growth towards more wholeness: specifically, in this case, growth into intimacy.
This isn’t just about sharing experiences or memories; it’s about evolving together, moving deeper into each other’s worlds, and becoming more vulnerable, real, and even exposed (but unconditionally accepted).
Sexual polarity is a key driver for this growth process as a whole:
It’s the interplay of energies – the dance between masculine and feminine, between assertion and surrender – that allows us to release unreal fragmentation and move closer to who we truly are in wholeness.
In other words, polarity helps strip away the ego’s distortions, creating a deeper, more grounded intimacy.
We can think of it like this:
When the masculine energy asserts itself and the feminine energy surrenders, the coming together of these polarities creates a powerful, dynamic force that creates something neither energetic polarity could create on its own.
It’s a force that draws out what’s real and strips away what’s not and so the relationship becomes a living organism that evolves, growing deeper into realness with every interaction.
David Deida, Yin & Yang, and Shiva & Shakti
Now, you may have heard about David Deida, whose work on sexual polarity and masculine/feminine energy has become the foundation for much of today’s conversation around intimacy:
Deida suggests that men and women have distinct energies – masculine and feminine – and that the interplay between these energies is essential for sexual and emotional fulfilment. Unfortunately, Deida’s work often gets oversimplified with the internet cult that is spiritual bullsh*ttery and so what’s missing from many interpretations of his teachings is the understanding that polarity isn’t about rigid roles or ‘performing’ masculinity or femininity but instead about embodying the true essence of these energies, allowing them to flow, evolve, and interact in ways that create dynamic attraction.
The same principles of polarity can be found throughout history in yin and yang – the ancient Chinese philosophy that represents the complementary forces of opposites. In this school of thought, Yin (feminine) and yang (masculine) are not static or fixed; they are dynamic, ever-changing forces that need each other to maintain balance.
Similarly, in the Vedic traditions of Shiva and Shakti, we see the dance of the divine masculine (Shiva) and the divine feminine (Shakti). This ancient wisdom shows us that polarity is not about dominance, but about mutual respect and the active flow between energies as COMPLEMENTARY forces – i.e. forces that need each other to reach the full expression of their realness.
Again, it’s not about rigid roles but about a dynamic, ongoing exchange that drives intimacy and connection as everybody involved grows more real.
How to Restore Sexual Polarity in Your Relationship
Now that we understand why polarity dies in relationships, we can start to bring it back to life.
Here’s how:
1. Reclaim Your Authentic Energy
Start by reconnecting with your own masculine or feminine essence:
For men, this might mean grounding firmly into your purpose, building confidence by taking real action, and learning to embody your sexual energy by developing presence.
For women, it might involve embracing your sensuality, intuition, and the power of surrender.
Whatever it is, don’t hide behind ego-based roles and choose to get in touch with the energy you really are.
2. Let Go of the Ego’s Grip
The ego wants control, but authentic intimacy requires surrender to the truth itself:
Allow your partner to lead when it’s their time and allow yourself to surrender to the flow of the relationship.
This might be uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve been stuck in patterns of control or living up to a certain (unreal) image of yourself but true intimacy requires vulnerability and trust which means letting go of the masks and allowing the polarities to interact freely.
3. Cultivate Emotional Vulnerability
Real intimacy grows when we’re willing to show our actual emotions (eww, I know, right?):
Start having deeper, more authentic conversations (a real conversation can change your life, after all) – share your fears, desires, and joys without judgment or fear.
Polarity thrives when both partners feel emotionally safe enough to reveal their true selves and both step up to be real.
4. Embrace the Dance of Masculine and Feminine
Finally, don’t fall into the trap of static roles:
Embrace the flow.
Sometimes the masculine leads, sometimes the feminine surrenders, and sometimes the energies shift (though there will be a dominant pattern for masculine and feminine that usually prevails).
Keep the dance alive by being present, flexible, and willing to allow the energies to shift based on what’s actually happening in reality – not what you think needs to happen in your head.
In the end, polarity is about allowing the natural interplay of energies to flow and that’s it.
It’s not about fixing yourself or your partner into rigid roles, but about creating space for growth, intimacy, and realness.
Let the reality waves take you where you need to be and then be there.
Stay real out there,
P.S. f you’re interested in coaching and you’re ready to be the realest version of yourself for yourself and your family and friends, then book a free call with me and start taking real action.
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