by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
The Class A Drugs of Applause, Appreciation, and Approval are Keeping You From Your REAL Life
Imagine for a second that somebody offered you a drug that gave you a brief rush of relief, made you feel valuable for a few moments, distracted you from your inner emotional ‘stuff’ like shame, guilt, and/or trauma (the Unholy Trinity), but then left you feeling even emptier than before you took it.
Chances are that you’d probably recognise it as dangerous or at least a ‘bad’ idea because you’d have figured out that if you keep taking it then sooner or later your whole life would revolve around getting your next hit.
Okay, so far so good, but here’s an uncomfortable truth:
Many of us are already addicted – not to cocaine or heroin or even alcohol but to something that society actually encourages us to pursue:
Applause, Appreciation, and Approval – the Class A Drugs of modern life.
Of course, there’s nothing inherently ‘wrong’ with any of these things because human beings naturally enjoy being appreciated etc. and genuine recognition can be healthy, beautiful, and deeply connecting.
The problem starts when we mistake these things for the answer to some of life’s much deeper questions:
- When applause becomes the thing that tells us we’re ‘worthy’.
- When appreciation becomes the thing that proves we’re ‘lovable’.
- When approval becomes the thing that convinces us we’re finally ‘enough’.
At this point, you’re no longer enjoying these experiences in a real, human way but you’ve become ADDICTED to them and addictions always come at the price of your time, energy, and attention (the greatest assets you have in this life).
Some of us spend our hold adult lives pouring these precious assets into chasing validation from the outside world – never realising that they’re running on a treadmill that never actually goes anywhere:
This article is about understanding why these Class A drugs have such a powerful grip on us, why they can never truly satisfy us, and how to give up the addiction so you can grow REAL instead.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Applause, Appreciation, and Approval: What We'll Cover in This Article
- The Class A Drugs of Applause, Appreciation, and Approval are Keeping You From Your REAL Life
- Where Addiction Actually Comes From
- The Invisible Addiction Nobody Talks About
- Drug Number One: Applause
- Drug Number Two: Appreciation
- Drug Number Three: Approval
- The Root of Every Addiction
- Learning to Flip the Script
- The Realness Path Out of Addiction
- Say No to 'Drugs' & Grow Real Instead
Where Addiction Actually Comes From
In the philosophy of Realness, addiction isn’t defined by substances alone but by the type of relationship that we have with something:
The short version is that addiction happens whenever we give up everything for one thing because we’ve convinced ourselves that this one thing can finally fill the Void and give us a sense of peace or escape in life.
The Void is what happens when we become disconnected from the truth about ourselves because – instead of living from truth – we somehow started to live from shame (really, just a disconnection from the truth) and became fragmented instead of whole.
When we’ve picked up this kind of shame then we allow it to persuade us that certain very real ‘parts’ of ourselves are unacceptable and so we create a false image of ourselves (the ego) to manage our relationship with ourselves, the world, and reality itself by pushing everything we can’t or aren’t willing to face down into the shadow self.
Now that we’re engaged in the Shadow Dance – a battle between the ego and the shadow self – then we’re constantly divided within ourselves and this division creates constant inner tension where it feels like something is missing, we’re never quite ‘enough’, and that we have to keep endlessly searching and striving for some way to feel complete or ‘normal’ again.
Really, it’s only natural that we want relief or a RELEASE from this tension and so we start looking for substitutes for the truth so we can feel whole again (not knowing that this is what we’re really looking for and that the truth is the only antidote to shame and the Void).
These substitutes can pretty much be anything based on what we think they can do for us:
- Some people find shopping.
- Others find alcohol.
- Some become obsessed with work.
- Others with sex.
- Status.
- Money.
- ‘Success‘.
- Control.
- Perfection.
- Etc. etc. etc.
To be frank, it doesn’t really matter what the object of desire is because the psychology underneath it all is exactly the same:
You’re trying to use something temporary to solve an eternal problem.
The sad truth is that every addiction offers a release from the tension of the Void but only briefly and the high it brings isn’t the genuine fulfilment of returning to REALNESS but is simply a temporary escape from tension.
What this means is that as soon as the high disappears (which it always will), then the tension returns – usually even stronger before and so you just end up seeking another hit.
And another. And another. Round and around you go.
The only way out of the loop isn’t to find a better ‘substitute’ but to return to the truth itself because only truth can dissolve the Void.
Everything else merely distracts you from it.
The Invisible Addiction Nobody Talks About
The Class A drugs of applause, appreciation, and approval work in exactly the same way as any other addiction – the only difference is that you’re not addicted to chemicals, material things, or feelings etc. but you’re addicted to interpersonal feedback.
Basically, you’re addicted to what other people reflect back to you and so every compliment becomes a hit, every ‘like’ on social media becomes a proof that you exist, and every “well done”, every round of applause, every “I’m proud of you”, every nod of approval, or whatever else you can think of all serve to briefly quieten the tension inside so that the power the Void has over you fades.
The problem is that once your hit has faded then you need another one and then another one and the another one and so the merry-go-round ride never really ends as you don’t quite know how to get off.
This explains why there are people with (hundreds of) thousands of followers out there that still feel invisible, why successful actors still feel insecure, why CEOs keep chasing promotions, why influencers obsess over engagement statistics and other ‘Vanity Metrics‘, or why somebody can receive ninety-nine compliments and spend the entire evening thinking about the one criticism.
The addiction isn’t to success:
It’s to RELEASE.
Drug Number One: Applause
Applause feels amazing (probably because it triggers evolutionary signals in the brain that have been seeking to belong) which is why theatres have curtain calls, sporting events end with cheering crowds, and why social media has ‘likes’, followers, subscribers, hearts, shares, and endless notifications.
There’s absolutely nothing ‘wrong’ with applause if it’s a by-product of you doing something REAL with yourself and your life but if the applause is the main reason why you’re doing what you’re doing then it can end up turning into one of those ‘Class A Drugs’ that we keep talking about.
The truth is really pretty simple:
If all you receive is applause, then you’ve received nothing of lasting value.
Noise disappears almost as quickly as it arrives which is why today’s viral sensation becomes tomorrow’s forgotten post or today’s standing ovation becomes next week’s silence.
Despite this fact, countless people organise their entire lives around collecting these tiny bursts of external recognition and fooling themselves into thinking that eventually it’s going to somehow fill the Void for them.
This just puts them on a path where they’re constantly chasing quick ‘highs’ rather than a sustained buzz of putting themselves in the zone and doing something real:
Instead of creating something meaningful, they create something noticeable.
Instead of asking “What’s true?”, they ask “What gets attention?”
The result is a world full of performance instead of presence and with no real connection to anything of substance and real value.
Drug Number Two: Appreciation
Appreciation is particularly sneaky and insidious because it often disguises itself as kindness and virtue:
Of course, helping people is wonderful, generosity is generally a ‘good’ thing, service is extremely important if it’s done in a real way, and compassion improves the world as a whole but our MOTIVES and INTENTIONS matter even more.
This is important because, sometimes – not always – people aren’t helping because they genuinely want to serve but because they want that little hit of appreciation that comes with it so that they can feel like they’re overcoming the Void.
This creates fascinating behaviour that you’ve no doubt witnessed yourself:
- People filming themselves giving money to homeless people.
- People making sure everyone knows about their charitable work.
- People creating victims they can rescue.
- People exaggerating problems because solving problems makes them feel important.
- Etc. etc. etc.
In all of these types of cases, the shame-driven ego quietly whispers something along the lines of “If people appreciate me, then I must be valuable” and this is exactly why some people become exhausted from constantly ‘rescuing’ everybody around them:
They’re not simply serving others to be real – they’re feeding an addiction.
What’s ironic is that genuine service usually becomes much easier once you stop needing appreciation because now you’re helping for their benefit…not yours.
Drug Number Three: Approval
Finally, we come to perhaps the most potent ‘Class A’ drug of them all: Approval.
The addiction to Approval is so strong because it begins in childhood which is where most of us learned – without anybody consciously intending it or being to ‘blame‘ – that love was conditional.
(Nobody to blame because your parents etc. were most likely just doing the best they could and trying to deal with their own emotional ‘stuff’).
It always starts with messages about how we need to show up in order to be what the world needs us to be (instead of what we actually are):
- Be good.
- Be clever.
- Be quiet.
- Be successful.
- Calm down.
- Don’t be angry.
- Don’t cry.
- Don’t disappoint us.
- Etc. etc. etc.
Essentially, we were conditioned over and over again until we started performing – not because performance was natural but it because it felt ‘safer’ than just being present.
Because of this conditioning, we became experts at reading rooms, experts at pleasing people, experts at anticipating expectations, and experts at becoming whoever we thought we needed to become.
Years later – now that we’re ‘adults‘ – nothing has really changed besides the audience:
We’re still performing – only now it’s our boss, our partner, our online audience, our clients, society, the internet, or the imaginary sense that we’re constantly being ‘watched’!
The tragedy is that this kind of performance prevents presence because you can’t simultaneously express yourself and monitor whether everybody approves of your expression.
Approval addiction also causes people to dedicate their lives to goals they never actually chose for themselves in the first place:
- Careers.
- Relationships.
- Lifestyles.
- Beliefs.
- Entire identities.
They don’t ‘choose’ these things because they’re REAL but because somebody – usually Mummy and Daddy, originally – will finally give them the approval they’ve been craving since childhood (spoiler: they won’t so you might as well just do what’s real).
The Root of Every Addiction
What do the Class A drugs of applause, appreciation, and approval all have in common?
Well, just like literally any other addiction, they feed on shame which is really just a disconnection from TRUTH.
Like we said, when we disconnect from truth, we identify with the ego and the shadow self goes underground and into ‘hiding’ (though it never really disappears because what’s real is always real).
When we’re fragmented like this, we end up spending our lives trying to convince ourselves that we’re worthy instead of (re)integrating so that we can KNOW we are.
Every clap of applause now says:
“You exist”.
Every compliment of appreciation now says:
“You’re enough”.
Every hint of approval says:
“You belong”.
This ‘high’ high might last a few minutes or hours but, eventually, we’re back where we started because the truth is that shame can NEVER be healed externally:
It’s an internal problem with an internal solution which is to return back to REALNESS.
Learning to Flip the Script
Recovery from your addiction to the Class A Drugs of applause, appreciation, and approval begins the moment you stop living from the outside-in and shift back to living in a real way from the inside-out.
Most people organise their lives by asking questions like like this:
“What do people want from me?”
“What will make them happy?”
“What will impress them?”
“What gets rewarded?”
Realness still aims at serving and showing up for others but it starts with a different question:
“What is true?”
Everything changes when you begin living from the inside-out and starting with the truth first and foremost because instead of chasing validation to fill the Void in the form of applause, appreciation, and approval you simply express something TRUE:
Instead of performing, you become present; instead of managing impressions, you cultivate realness – ironically, this often leads to deeper relationships, more meaningful work, and even greater appreciation that’s actually genuine.
The difference, though, is that these things become side-effects of the real action you’ve taken and not the main objective of everything you do.
If you want to build a solid foundation in your relationship with yourself and life then check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.
The Realness Path Out of Addiction
Like every journey back to truth or transformation in life, the journey to overcoming addiction to the ‘Class A Drugs’ follows three stages:
1. Awareness (Deconstruct the Ego)
It all begins by noticing where you’re seeking your next hit
You can do this by asking yourself:
- What do I desperately want people to notice about me?
- What criticism terrifies me the most?
- What would I stop doing if nobody ever praised me again?
- What do I keep postponing because somebody might disapprove?
Don’t judge yourself – just observe yourself and understand that Awareness shines light on the machinery of the ego and that once you can see it, it begins losing its grip.
2. Acceptance (Integrate the Shadow)
The parts of yourself that crave approval usually aren’t ‘bad’ – they’re simply frightened because you’ve disowned them and never done anything REAL with them.
Perhaps you’ve hidden:
- Your creativity.
- Your anger.
- Your tenderness.
- Your ambition.
- Your vulnerability.
- Your playfulness.
- Your weirdness.
- Your sensitivity.
- Your [whatever].
Whatever you’ve disowned to gain acceptance from others has become part of your shadow and they only way to ‘recover’ is to start bringing them back to the light.
It’s not about destroying these parts but about welcoming them home because wholeness returns as fragmentation dissolves.
3. Action (Trust Yourself and Life)
Truth isn’t just something you understand mentally and conceptually but something that you embody and this begins by taking actions that express your essence instead of your self-image.
Start taking the action that you know is yours to take – not because it makes ‘sense’ but because it’s REAL:
- Publish the article because it’s true.
- Start the business because it matters.
- Say no when you mean no.
- Say yes when you mean yes.
- Create because you love creating.
- Help because you genuinely care.
- Speak because something real wants to be spoken.
Whatever it is, don’t do it because you’re hoping somebody claps but because every REAL action weakens the addiction whereas every performance strengthens it.
Say No to ‘Drugs’ & Grow Real Instead
When you give up the Class A drugs of applause, appreciation, and approval then life becomes much richer:
You enjoy applause without needing another round, you enjoy appreciation more because you no longer depend on it, and you enjoy approval without sacrificing your realness to receive it.
The short-version is that when you build your life upon truth instead of temporary hits of validation, then you actually become present in yourself and your life and you can stop wasting your precious time, energy, and attention trying to earn permission to exist.
You realise that your purpose was never to collect applause, manufacture appreciation, or perform for approval but simply to express something REAL.
This is how you leave the Void, how shame dissolves, and how the addiction finally ends once and for all because you can stop living from the outside-in and start living from the inside-out.
Real life doesn’t begin when everybody finally applauds you but when you no longer need them to.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to flip the script and start living a life that feels real and aligned with your potential then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you find your zone of realness.
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
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Shadow Life is an exploration of the human shadow and the hidden side of our personalities. It looks at the masks we wear, where these masks come from, and how we can take them off.
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The Flow Builder Journal has everything you need to make the next 21-weeks of your life a turning point.
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