by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Why People Really Get Addicted & How to Break Free
Addiction is often portrayed as a moral failing, a lack of willpower, or a chemical imbalance and – though this may be true in some cases – it’s never the full story:
The truth is that popular culture loves these narratives because they’re simple, neat, and comforting but the reality and the deeper truth of addiction is far more profound, far more human, and far more hopeful:
What you need to know if you’re dealing with addictive tendencies is that addiction is never random and it’s never truly about the substance, the drink, the shopping spree, or the compulsive scrolling that might appear on the surface (or whatever else you might be ‘addicted’ to).
This is because – at its core – addiction is always about escaping the tension of being unreal.
When you strip it down, addiction is the symptom of a much deeper issue:
A disconnection from truth.
Until you understand this, any attempt to ‘fix’ an addiction is like trying to empty a flooded basement without turning off the tap.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Addiction 101: What We’ll Cover in this Article
- Why People Really Get Addicted & How to Break Free
- The Void: Where Addiction Lives
- The Tension That Drives Addiction
- Substitutes for the Truth
- Shame is Always the Core Problem
- The ‘Gremlin’ Effect
- Addiction: The Path Forward
- The Reward: From Tension to Flow
- Addiction 101: A Practical Summary
The Void: Where Addiction Lives
To understand addiction, we first need to understand the world where it originates – a place I call the Void:
The Void isn’t a physical location but a psychological and spiritual state that arises when we’ve become disconnected from the truth which basically means that shame has quietly whispered that who we are, in our rawest, most authentic form, isn’t acceptable.
Shame is always the original fracture and it’s the subtle – often hidden – sense that something about us is ‘wrong’:
When we pick up this kind of shame and become internally fragmented, we stop facing reality as it is and so we stop accepting ourselves. Instead, we start living as a character, an ego, playing unreal roles within the dreamworld of the Void.
The problem with playing a character is simple:
Reality resists and it’s where we need to root ourselves if we want to get real results in our lives (which is why I like to say that real always works).
In short, life doesn’t bend to the ego and so when we’re coming from this unreal place then our relationships, work lives, health, and even our own minds start to push back against us and attempt to course correct us back onto a real path.
This endless mismatch creates an inner tension – a kind of gnawing discomfort or sense of friction between the person we’re pretending to be and the truth of who we actually are.
The Tension That Drives Addiction
So many people live in the Void, unaware of the tension that courses beneath their day-to-day lives because of their attempts to treat the unreal as being real:
They wake up, go through the motions, distract themselves, and try to “be okay” with endless performances of ego but, underneath, the tension is always there and getting tighter – like a tight wire waiting to snap.
This tension is compounded when we try to control life in order to suppress our shadow self – the parts of us we’re not ready to face yet so that we can keep the ego in place and keep up the familiar act (even if we know deep down it’s not even what we really want).
In this state, we become perfectionists, micromanagers, or hyper-protective, constantly battling the very impulses and emotions we’re trying to avoid and so all of this friction intensifies the discomfort of being disconnected from truth.
Most people don’t realise that this tension isn’t just another case of “life sucks and then you die” – it isn’t the result of circumstance, luck, or bad upbringing, for example.
What it actually is is a projection of inner fragmentation – or, in simpler terms: the discomfort they feel isn’t external; it’s internal, and it comes from living out of alignment with reality and with themselves.
Substitutes for the Truth
Here’s where addiction enters the story:
When the tension of being unreal becomes unbearable, the ego searches for release (and so understanding cycles of tension and release is one way to start mastering addiction).
Unfortunately, it doesn’t go straight to the truth to deal with this tension – because facing the truth feels too painful and is a threat to the illusions of the ego anyway.
Instead, it finds a substitute for the truth, something that temporarily relieves the tension without really changing anything fundamental (i.e. the core shame that led to the void in the first place):
These substitutes can be literally anything: alcohol, drugs, porn, shopping, power, money, or even endless scrolling on social media – the specific substitute literally doesn’t matter. What matters is the dynamic: the ego finds something that mimics the feeling of connection, presence, or relief, and it latches onto it for short-term RELEASE from all that TENSION that the ego brings in the first place.
This is why the first few times (or so) that someone uses a substitute, there’s a buzz – which they might think is due to some power within the substitute itself but which is really just a release of tension.
What’s important when it comes to understanding addiction is that the sensation feels like solving a problem – almost like fixing the unfixable – and so it creates a powerful, deceptive association.
The brain essentially thinks: “Ah, this works…it’s helping me escape the void“.
(Though it might not phrase it like that exactly because it probably doesn’t even know what the ‘Void’ is).
This would be great if it wasn’t for the fact that this kind of relief is temporary because it comes from something EXTERNAL instead of a real, INTERANAL shift or transformation.
This means that the void is still there (because the fundamental problem of shame is still there) and so -over time – the buzz fades and we’re back to square one.
When this happens, the ego, desperate for relief, escalates intensity, frequency, or quantity and this is why in many cases, physical dependence develops.
This means that the person is no longer just trying to escape the void – they’re also fighting withdrawal and adding a second layer of tension to their experience.
Shame is Always the Core Problem
If you didn’t get the memo yet, then here’s the key insight:
The real issue is never the substance (or chosen substitute for the truth): the real issue is shame which is always a disconnection from truth.
Short version: shame is the hidden wound that fuels the tension that drives the ego to seek substitutes and that keeps people trapped in cycles of addiction.
Shame isn’t just guilt or embarrassment – it’s the sense that something about us is unacceptable at a core level:
It’s the whisper that we aren’t enough, that reality is too harsh, or that we must cover up our imperfection and -until shame is recognised and addressed – no amount of self-control, therapy, or detox will permanently solve the problem.
The ‘Gremlin’ Effect
Once the substitute takes a hold over somebody, then it often develops a life of its own:
When the unreal parts of us take on a life of their own like this, I call it a Gremlin:
A Gremlin in this case is the part of the mind that insists you need the addictive substance or behaviour, even when you don’t….it lies, deceives, and it generates anxiety, cravings, and rationalisations so that you keep up your dependency on whatever substitute for the truth you’re addicted to.
Understanding the Gremlin is essential to overcome your addiction and move forward because addiction isn’t weakness but the result of a survival strategy gone awry (as I like to say to my coaching clients: It’s a normal reaction to a F’d up situation).
In short, the ego used a substitute to temporarily relieve tension, the body adapted, and so a Gremlin was born. Now, the mind is caught between two forces: the underlying shame that wants release and the Gremlin that insists on the substitute.
This is why addiction can feel so conflicting and difficult to overcome: you’re not at war with whatever you’re addicted to – you’re at war with the different parts of yourself.
Addiction: The Path Forward
Breaking free from addiction in a real way essentially requires a two-step approach: starving the Gremlin and dissolving shame.
1. Starve the Gremlin
This is the first, practical step:
Stop feeding the addiction.
Remove the substitute that created the dependency in a structured and mindful way:
- Identify the behaviours or substances that you’ve relied on for release.
- Create clear boundaries or systems to remove access.
- Prepare for cravings and urges and recognise them as the Gremlin speaking, not as truth about who you are or what you actually need.
- Replace compulsive behaviours with neutral, stabilising habits that make you feel more REAL and grounded in yourself (e.g., walking, journaling, cold showers, exercise).
Starving the Gremlin weakens its influence, but it doesn’t address the root cause of shame – that comes next:
2. Dissolve Shame
Shame dissolves when we reconnect with truth which basically means that we return to a state of ACCEPTANCE about ourselves instead of JUDGEMENT (the ego is just a judgement against the self that prevents us from being who we are in our REALNESS):
This is not abstract but a practical, step-by-step process involving three main areas: your mind, your body, and your vision.
1) Manage Your Thoughts
Your mind is the arena where shame lives and so, to dissolve it, you can start to train yourself to notice and refocus your thinking patterns so you’re moving towards reality and not away from it:
- Observe thoughts without judgment – for example, a thought like “I’m weak” is just a mental event, not a fact.
- Use reframing techniques to replace judgment with curiosity – for example, “I’m struggling” becomes “I’m noticing a pattern and can learn from it“.
- Practice gratitude and self-compassion to counteract self-condemnation.
By managing thoughts, you reduce the mental tension that fuels the ego’s craving for substitutes.
My free Thought Log tool can help you with this: Hamster Wheel Thought Log
2) Regulate Your Body and Nervous System
Shame is held not just in the mind but in the nervous system and so addiction often escalates when the body is stuck in chronic stress or sympathetic dominance (which means you’re stuck in fight-or-flight mode so can never feel SAFE).
Regulating the body restores balance:
- Breathing Exercises: Slow, deep, diaphragmatic breathing to activate the parasympathetic nervous system can help and so can training yourself to nose breathe.
- Movement: Yoga (especially yin yoga), resistance training, walking, or any activity that reconnects you with your physical presence will help you to become more embodied.
- Somatic Awareness: Noticing tension in your muscles, posture, and breathing and releasing it consciously is a small thing you can do that can make a massive difference.
In short: when your body feels safe and regulated, the need for external release diminishes because you have less of inner tension driving you.
I do a free yin yoga class online every three weeks – you can get more information here: Dissolution Hour (Free Online Yoga)
3) Create a Real Vision for Growth
Finally, learning to fill the void with something real will change your life forever.
I don’t mean a fantasy or another substitute that’s just an extension of the ego but a vision grounded in reality and aligned with your true self:
- Set meaningful goals that connect you with your values.
- Take consistent, real action toward growth without aiming for perfection, just real progress.
- Engage in activities that provide a sense of purpose and flow.
This step is essential because without a real vision, the Gremlin will just find another substitute.
With a vision, life itself becomes the release, and the tension of being unreal naturally dissolves.
My free 7-day course will get you on track to finding your real vision and acting on it: The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose
My book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace has a chapter on addiction that will take you even deeper into understanding yourself and freeing yourself.
The Reward: From Tension to Flow
When you starve the Gremlin and dissolve shame, you return to truth and step out of the Void.
This means that you finally stop playing the character and start living as yourself and so the tension that once drove addiction begins to dissolve and life becomes less about escape and more about engagement.
This is what I call flow – being fully present, aligned with reality, and in harmony with yourself so that addiction no longer has a foothold because the underlying disconnection has been addressed.
Addiction 101: A Practical Summary
If you’re struggling with addiction, the steps forward are deceptively simple but deeply transformative:
- Recognise the Dynamics: Understand that addiction is a substitute for the truth and that the real problem is underlying shame.
- Starve the Gremlin: Remove the addictive substance or behaviour, replace it with stabilising habits, and prepare for cravings (whilst knowing that they’re not ‘real’ – just old conditioning and dependency).
- Dissolve Shame: Through thought management, nervous system regulation, and creating a real, grounded vision for growth.
- Reconnect with Truth: Step into reality, engage with life, and allow flow to replace tension.
It’s not an easy journey because facing your shame, relinquishing the substitute, and embracing truth takes courage.
Nevertheless, it’s the only way to genuinely break free from addiction and reclaim your life.
Remember: the thing you’re addicted to was never the problem. It was a temporary release of the friction caused by disconnection and so the solution is always the same:
Return to truth, dissolve shame, and live as fully in reality as you possibly can.
Once you do, the Void loses its power, the Gremlin becomes silent, and life itself becomes your source of satisfaction, purpose, and joy instead of a blackhole that consumes you.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to starve your Gremlins and to find a sense of real vision then book a free coaching call with me and I’ll help you to take action and start reclaiming your life.
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