by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Co-regulation is the Key to Mutual Growth into Realness in Relationships
One of the most common things that happens on a ‘healing’ journey is that one person in a relationship begins to wake up.
What this basically means is that they start doing the ‘work’:
They start looking at their shadow self, regulating their nervous system, taking real action, and learning to live from truth instead of ego. None of this means that they’re trying to become ‘perfect’, just that they’re trying to grow REAL…and that changes everything.
This is all great (to state the obvious) but, sometimes, the person they love isn’t on the same page yet and so they might still be caught in the same old patterns like reacting, shutting down, or trying to control outcomes instead of being present with life.
This doesn’t mean they’re “less evolved”, “not good enough”, or anything like that but what it does usually mean is that their nervous system is still running on survival mode while the other person’s has started to settle into regulation.
This is important to know because when one partner’s nervous system is regulated and the other’s isn’t, the relationship can start to feel uneven:
One person is grounded, present, and calm but the other is in sympathetic dominance – fight, flight, or freeze – which means they’re living from what I call their “Sympathetic Personality”: the version of them that’s reactive, defensive, or disconnected from realness.
This Sympathetic Personality isn’t who they really are – it’s just their body’s temporary way of trying to protect them from danger but the problem is that when one person is in this state, and the other isn’t, the relationship can start to lose its flow.
That’s where co-regulation comes in and that’s exactly what this article is about.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Co-regulation: What We’ll Cover in this Article
- Co-regulation is the Key to Mutual Growth into Realness in Relationships
- What Is Co-Regulation?
- The Ego and the Nervous System
- My Own Experience with Co-Regulation
- Co-Regulation Activities to Deepen Connection
- How to Make Co-Regulation a Habit
- The Bigger Picture: Co-Regulation as a Path Back to Wholeness
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is what happens when two nervous systems synchronise and help each other to get into a natural state of presence as they both move toward safety and balance.
It’s something we’re designed to do as human beings – as in it’s literally wired into our biology:
For example, babies co-regulate with their parents through touch, gaze, and sound and as adults we do it through presence, tone of voice, breath, movement, and alignment.
In the context of our relationships this is so important because when two people are co-regulated, they create a container of safety that allows them to relax and connect more deeply.
From that safety, intimacy can grow naturally which is what all relationships are ultimately about.
This is extremely important if you want a healthy, real relationship because without safety, there can be no intimacy.
If one person’s nervous system is stuck in a state of threat, they’ll constantly be scanning for danger, both internally (at the level of their own unresolved emotions) and externally (how they perceive their partner or the world around them).
In short, if they’re stuck in that Sympathetic Personality, their system will interpret closeness as a potential risk rather than an opportunity for connection.
All of this points us towards a very simple fact:
If you want a relationship that flourishes – one that’s alive, open, and full of real intimacy rather than patterns of protection – you need co-regulation.
The Ego and the Nervous System
The more dysregulated our nervous system becomes, the stronger the grip of the ego:
This is because the ego thrives on control, fear, and the illusion of separation.
All of this is the mind’s way of keeping us safe when our body doesn’t feel safe but – when we start creating regulation in the nervous system – the ego doesn’t need to run the show anymore.
Instead, we can relax, we can feel, and we can let go of needing to ‘win’, ‘fix’, or ‘prove’ anything as we instead choose to start participating in the natural flow of life, together.
Co-regulation, then, isn’t just about calming down and feeling ‘relaxed’:
It’s about creating the conditions for truth and connection to emerge as two people enter the same real rhythm in the same field of presence so they can accept themselves and each other as they really are.
My Own Experience with Co-Regulation
Every Saturday night, my girlfriend and I do Yin Yoga together (if you don’t know Yin Yoga is a form of yoga where you hold the poses for a prolonged period of time to create nervous system regulation and presence).
This started organically but it’s really become a kind of sacred ritual for us over time – a weekly return to stillness, connection, and truth as we dim the lights, roll out our mats, and breathe and move slowly together.
The key word here, really, is “together”:
We create space together, we breathe together, and we allow everything to soften together: the body, the breath, the mind, and even our emotions.
Over time, this practice has given us a strong foundation of presence and regulation:
It’s actually quite incredible…we’ve become so co-regulated through it that we can slip into presence quite easily even off the yoga mat (which is really the whole point and one of the reasons I’m a big proponent of the famous saying in yoga to “Take your yoga off the mat”).
In short, we’ve found that the more we anchor into that shared rhythm, the easier it becomes to stay in sync throughout the rest of our lives.
When one of us starts to get activated or stressed, for example, it’s like the other’s nervous system can naturally help bring us both back into balance because we know what it feels like in that REAL space and can more easily return to it as we keep topping up that ‘foundation’ in the yoga sessoins.
This is really the power of co-regulation and why it’s not something you do once; it’s something you build over time.
Of course, Yin Yoga isn’t the only way to do this and there are countless ways couples (or even friends, families, and teams) can consciously cultivate co-regulation.
Below are some of the most effective ones I’ve seen (drawn from somatic work, relationship therapy, mindfulness, and embodied practice)
Co-Regulation Activities to Deepen Connection
Here are several categories of co-regulation, each addressing a different layer of connection — physical, emotional, spiritual, and creative.
You don’t have to do all of them; just choose one that feels right for you in this season of your life and then build consistency.
Somatic & Breath-Based Co-Regulation
These practices help synchronise the body’s natural rhythms – breath, heartbeat, and movement – creating a shared physiological sense of calmness:
- Partner breathwork: Sit back-to-back (literally touching), breathe naturally, and notice each other’s rhythm until it begins to sync on its own. No forcing is necessary – just awareness.
- Body scanning together: One person guides the other through a slow scan of the body while both stay present. After the first round you can witch roles. This builds deep empathy and alignment.
- Hand-on-heart breathing: Sit close and place your hand over your partner’s heart while they place theirs over yours. Breathe together and feel the connection between your chests as you keep breathing deeply (nose breathing is always best).
- Partner stretching / restorative poses: Simple poses like supported child’s pose, seated folds, or lying side by side help the body soften and align into presence.
- Cold plunges or sauna together: The shared experience of mild stress followed by recovery can strongly bond the nervous systems and build trust.
Emotional & Relational Co-Regulation
These practices open emotional channels and strengthen limbic resonance (which refers to the subtle way our emotions communicate and harmonise):
- Eye gazing: Sit in silence and look into each other’s eyes for 2–5 minutes. Let go of expectations and simply see because this breaks down defensive energy and opens the heart.
- Authentic relating games: Ask real-time questions like, “What’s present for you right now?” or “Tell me something you haven’t said yet”. These bypass surface-level conversation and old, outdated patterns of identifying (ego).
- Storytelling in turns: Share something personal while the other listens deeply without fixing or interrupting. Then swap roles and do it again. They key is to create container of presence and non-judgement.
- Gratitude rounds: Each person names what they appreciate about the other (and actually means it). This shifts the emotional tone and strengthens positive attachment.
- Shared laughter: Watch comedy, play games, or allow yourselves to be silly. Laughter releases tension and floods the body with oxytocin which is the bonding hormone.
Nature & Movement Co-Regulation
Shared movement in natural environments helps both nervous systems anchor into the same sensory rhythm within the context of life’s wider natural rhythms:
- Walks in nature: Especially barefoot or without distractions. This is powerful because walking side-by-side naturally synchronises gait and breath.
- Slow dancing: Move intuitively together to music, without worrying about steps. Let your bodies communicate and just do what they need to do (learning to let your body lead instead of your mind).
- Cooking together mindfully: Engage the senses – smell, taste, touch – whilst working in sync. This is a simple but powerful grounding ritual (and you get to eat afterwards).
- Gardening or working with earth: Touching soil together and tending to life connects both people to a natural, non-verbal intelligence.
- Swimming in natural water: Rivers, lakes, the sea, etc. – water has a regulating, almost mystical effect on the body when shared and enjoyed with presence.
Stillness & Ritual Co-Regulation
Stillness amplifies safety and so these rituals create a sacred container that reminds both people of what really matters.
- Meditating together: Sit in silence and drop into presence. Even without speaking, your nervous systems will begin to align and get into the same flow.
- Reading aloud or prayer: Shared voice resonance strengthens the vagus nerve (which activates the parasympathetic nervous system and gets us out of fight-or-flight) and brings calm.
- Evening wind-down ritual: Have tea, dim the lights, light a candle, and talk about the day without devices. This trains the body to associate stillness with connection over time.
- Music listening: Choose a song and listen in silence, focusing on how it feels in the body.
- Shared journaling or intention setting: Write side-by-side or read reflections aloud to align your energy for the week ahead.
Creative & Purposeful Co-Regulation
When you create together, your brainwaves sync, your attention aligns, and you enter a shared flow state:
- Making art or music together: It’s not about skill but about flow. Let intuition lead and create a rhythm together.
- Building or crafting projects: Anything that requires collaboration naturally fosters trust and rhythm.
- Working toward a shared vision: When you channel your energy into something meaningful together, the sense of co-regulation expands beyond emotion into purpose itself.
Check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you’re ready to develop a sense of trust in yourself and life so you can grow real.
How to Make Co-Regulation a Habit
The key to all of this is consistency:
Pick one or two of these activities and commit to doing them weekly – just like my girlfriend and I do with our Saturday yin sessions.
Over time, this creates a baseline of shared safety that starts to bleed into every area of life – your conversations, intimacy, and even how you deal with conflict (and how quickly you get over it by returning to that baseline).
The goal isn’t to force regulation or to ‘fix’ your partner – it’s to create conditions where both nervous systems can naturally find their rhythm again and feel safe together.
Remember: the nervous system doesn’t learn safety through words but through experience which is why taking this kind of REAL ACTION is so powerful.
The Bigger Picture: Co-Regulation as a Path Back to Wholeness
When two people learn to co-regulate, they’re not just calming each other down or ‘relaxing’ (though these can both be by-products of conscious co-regulation) – they’re participating in the deeper intelligence of life itself.
They’re returning to what’s real.
When you and another person are both regulated, what you’re really experiencing is the Godwave – the natural interplay between two beings who’ve let go of fear enough to trust the moment.
This is the space where love becomes more than a concept and shifts into becoming a felt experience of unity – the merging of two nervous systems, two hearts, and two souls into one field of presence.
Really, this is what co-regulation is all about:
Learning to be with each other, not as fragments fighting for safety, but as whole beings returning to the truth of who we already are.
Try it this week: choose one co-regulating ritual and commit to it together.
Don’t overthink it – just show up with presence.
You might be surprised how quickly your relationship – and your reality – start to feel more grounded, alive, and real.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to work on growing real and regulating yourself to build a solid foundation for your life then book a free coaching session with me today and we’ll get you moving in a real way.
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