by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Without Healthy Energetic Boundaries People Will Just Pull You Into Their Own BS
Have you ever walked away from a conversation and asked yourself something like:
“Why do I feel worse now than before we started talking?”
Maybe the chat was perfectly polite and even quite ‘nice’ on the surface without any arguments, raised voices, or drama but, still, something feels ‘off’ and you can’t quite put your finger on it – nevertheless, there it is: a sticky, syrup-like residue of negative energy clinging to you.
This phenomenon is far more common than most of us realise yet we tend to brush it off, rationalise it, or even blame ourselves for being “too sensitive”.
The truth, however, is that these encounters often have very little to do with you and everything to do with the other person’s relationship with reality (or lack thereof).
This article is about shining light on what’s actually happening in these draining conversations, how to spot the signs, and – most importantly – how to protect your energetic boundaries so you can stay grounded, real, and free.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Energetic Boundaries: What We'll Cover in this Article
- Without Healthy Energetic Boundaries People Will Just Pull You Into Their Own BS
- Why Do Certain Conversations Drain Us?
- The Three Main Causes of Draining Conversations
- Why This Leaves You Feeling 'Sticky' and Drained
- The 'Good' News: It’s Not About You
- How to Protect Your Energetic Boundaries and Avoid Being Drained
- Energetic Boundaries and Draining Conversations: Putting It into Practice
- The Elevation: Growing Real in a World of Masks
- Energetic Boundaries and Draining Conversations: Final Thoughts
Why Do Certain Conversations Drain Us?
When two people come together in a genuine, authentic, and REAL exchange, the energy flows without any weird blocks or distortions:
There’s give and take, both parties feel heard, ‘seen‘, and perhaps even inspired, and – at the very least – you feel neutral or steady once the conversation ends.
This is a stark contrast to what can happen when one of the people isn’t showing up in a real way:
In this case, things start to get sticky and instead of open flow you find yourself wading through friction (that can eventually turn to frustration and misery).
This friction doesn’t always look like conflict and can even be wrapped up in niceties, politeness, or long-winded chatter but underneath the surface, something is misaligned and out-of-sync with reality.
This is why you can feel strange or drained once the conversation or interaction is over:
In these situations, the ‘off’ feeling you notice is your nervous system picking up on unreality – it’s like your body knows before your brain does that you’ve been pulled into an ego performance, a projection, or a game.
The Three Main Causes of Draining Conversations
In my experience, most draining conversations fall into one (or more) of three categories:
- Performance and Ego
- Projection
- Games
Let’s unpack each one in a little more detail:
1. Performance and Ego: Talking to a Mask
The brutal truth is that, sometimes, you’re not really talking to an actual human being but to you’re talking to the mask they’re wearing because they fear their own humanity:
This ‘mask’ is the ego’s costume, carefully designed to keep them safe from facing uncomfortable truths about themselves.
It might look like arrogance, people-pleasing, constant self-promotion, or overly polished ‘perfection’ but – whatever the flavour – the root is always the same: an avoidance of reality.
This can cause you to feel drained in and after conversations because, when you converse with a mask, you’re not meeting the real human beneath and so there’s a subtle but constant friction between the mask and what’s actually true.
If you don’t see this for what it is, you can end up carrying their anxiety, tension, or insecurity as if it were your own and so you leave feeling unsettled, not because you did anything wrong, but because you were engaging with unreality and treating it as being real.
2. Projection: Their ‘Stuff’ on Your Shoulders
Projection happens when someone takes their own unresolved emotions, fears, or insecurities and unknowingly hurls them at you:
Maybe they accuse you of being judgmental when, in fact, they’re the ones holding judgment against themselves and then the rest of the world by extension; maybe they hint that you don’t care about them when, really, they’re struggling to care for you and themselves (but they’re not ready to face the truth yet).
The tricky part is, projections can sound convincing and they carry the tone of truth because the person genuinely believes their story because their emotional ‘stuff’ has distorted their reality.
Either way, if you accept their version of reality as your own, the you’ll end up entangled in their distortion.
In this case, your gut will start to tell you something’s ‘off’ – like wearing clothes that don’t quite fit.
This ‘offness’ is your inner compass alerting you to unreality being smuggled into the exchange.
3. Games: The Ego’s Favourite Hobby
Finally, there are games:
These are unconscious strategies people use to keep their ego in control and to avoid the vulnerability that can come with being real.
A classic example is the “Yeah, but” game which is where you share an idea and they shoot it down with “Yeah, but…” every time (even after they asked you for your ideas or advice in the first place).
Another common one is conversational steamrolling which means that they talk at you, not with you, barely acknowledging your responses.
In both of these examples, the ‘game’ allows them to feel a sense of control and to keep their ego in the driving seat of their lives.
Games can also take subtler forms that take the form of consistent personality patterns designed to keep the ego in place:
The martyr game (“I’m always the one who suffers”), the superiority game (“I know better than you”), or the victim game (“Everything happens to me”) are all examples.
Whatever the format, the outcome is the same:
You walk away feeling drained because you’ve been dragged into a script rather than an authentic exchange.
Why This Leaves You Feeling ‘Sticky’ and Drained
Whether it’s performance, projection, or games, the underlying issue is the same:
Unreality.
When you engage with unreality as though it were real, your energy gets pulled out of alignment and it’s like trying to dance with someone who’s moving to a completely different rhythm which means that eventually you’re gonna get thrown off balance.
Even if you were being entirely real yourself, their unreality can trigger subtle responses in you and so old insecurities might flare up, you might find yourself questioning your worth, replaying the conversation, or just feeling an undefined heaviness.
What you need to realise is that this stickiness isn’t ‘yours’ – it’s just what happens when someone else’s ‘stuff’ clings to you because your energetic boundaries weren’t clear.
The ‘Good’ News: It’s Not About You
Here’s the liberating truth: when you feel drained after a conversation like this, it’s not (necessarily) a ‘you’ problem but a ‘them’ problem (assuming you’re being real and not showing up with ego, predominantly projecting, or playing games).
As long as you showed up in alignment with your own realness – grounded and present – then what you experienced is simply the by-product of someone else’s coping mechanisms.
Basically, they’re doing the best they can to avoid facing their shadow (the hidden parts of themselves that they sent into exile because of shame and social pressure etc.) and in the process they’re unconsciously pulling you into their play.
It’s not personal, it’s not about ‘you’, an – most importantly – it’s not real.
How to Protect Your Energetic Boundaries and Avoid Being Drained
Now comes the practical part: how do you stop walking away from conversations with that ‘sticky’ residue clinging to you?
It always comes down to three things: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.
(These are the three stages I build my transformational coaching containers around and they always work when it comes to making real changes).
Step 1: Awareness
The first step is noticing what’s happening in real time by paying attention to your body’s cues:
- Do you feel a subtle tightening in your chest?
- Are you holding your breath or clenching your jaw?
- Do you feel restless, foggy, or slightly ‘off’?
These sensations are often your first alert that unreality is entering the chat and so instead of brushing them off or just dealing with it take them seriously. Your body has its own wisdom that’s worth listening to.
Ask yourself:
“Am I talking to the real person right now, or am I engaging with a mask, a projection, or a game?”
Just this simple awareness can change the way that you see things and set you free to return to your own real path (either during a draining conversation or when you’re reflecting on it afterwards).
Step 2: Acceptance
Once you see what’s happening, accept it for what it is:
This doesn’t mean you approve of the behaviour or force yourself to enjoy it – “acceptance” simply means you stop fighting reality (which is always the most pointless thing we can do).
Accept that they’re acting this way because it’s how they cope.
It’s not your job to fix them.
It’s not a personal attack.
It’s just unreality doing what unreality does.
The moment you accept that, you reclaim your energy and so you can stop internalising their ‘stuff’ and start seeing it as theirs to carry.
Step 3: Action
From there, you can choose how to act in a more real way – some practical options include:
- Grounding yourself physically: Take a slow breath, plant your feet on the floor, or subtly relax your shoulders. This reminds your nervous system that you’re safe and in reality.
- Setting conversational boundaries: If someone keeps steamrolling, you can gently interrupt: “Hold on, I’d like to finish my point” – if they persist, you can choose to disengage or move on.
- Using inner boundaries: Even if you can’t walk away (say, it’s a colleague or family member), you can mentally remind yourself: “This isn’t mine. This is their projection/performance/game“.
- Redirect or close the conversation. Sometimes the kindest action is to wrap up quickly: “Thanks for sharing, I need to get back to [whatever]“.
Remember: protecting your boundaries doesn’t mean being cold or harsh – it simply means refusing to sacrifice your realness in the face of someone else’s unreality.
Check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you’re ready to step into the realest version of yourself and your life.
Energetic Boundaries and Draining Conversations: Putting It into Practice
Here are three simple practices you can use to strengthen your energetic boundaries day-to-day:
- Daily Grounding Check-In
Each morning, take two minutes to sit quietly, breathe deeply, and affirm: “I will stay real today, no matter what masks, projections, or games I encounter“. - Post-Conversation Reset
After any draining conversation, step outside, move your body, or shake off the energy physically -literally imagine brushing away the sticky residue. - The Realness Filter
When someone’s words or actions unsettle you, ask yourself: “Is this real or unreal?” – if the answer is that it’s unreal, you don’t need to absorb it.
The Elevation: Growing Real in a World of Masks
Here’s some uplifting news to wrap up the article:
Every draining conversation is also an opportunity.
When you notice masks, projections, or games, then you’re given a mirror to your own unreality.
In these moments, you can either allow yourself to get pulled into the Void or you can use the moment to strengthen your own commitment to realness.
By choosing awareness, acceptance, and action, you’re not only protecting yourself, you’re modelling authenticity for others and so you become the grounded presence that invites them (if they’re ready) to drop their masks too and grow real.
The more you practise, the less sticky conversations will feel and instead of leaving you drained, they’ll remind you of the power of staying true to yourself because you’ll see the consequences of being unreal thrown right at your feet.
Really, this is the ultimate boundary:
Not a wall that keeps others out but a rootedness in your own realness that keeps you steady, no matter what storms or unreality blow your way.
Energetic Boundaries and Draining Conversations: Final Thoughts
If you’ve ever felt mysteriously drained after a conversation, you’re not alone and what you experienced was unreality trying to pull you off-centre.
By recognising the common patterns – ego performance, projection, and games – you free yourself from taking it personally and by practising awareness, acceptance, and action, you keep your energy clear and your boundaries strong.
Most of all, you remember something really important:
What’s real is always safe, always flowing, and always life-giving and what’s unreal can only stick if you let it.
Stay grounded and let every conversation – no matter how ‘sticky’ – become another step towards living with energetic freedom.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to find a solid foundation of realness so you can protect your energy and start taking real action then book a free coaching call with me today.
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