by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
If You Can’t Be Goofy With Each Other, You Can’t Be Real
Let’s be honest: most relationships don’t last.
That’s not cynicism – it’s the reality of life because most people (in the modern world, at least) have more than one relationship over the course of their lifetimes (which, by definition, means that most relationships don’t last).
Despite the bare-faced obviousness of this reality it doesn’t stop us treating it like a mystery each time a relationship comes to an end:
“What went wrong?”, we ask ourselves, “We were so compatible!”
But maybe ‘compatibility’ isn’t the full picture – maybe what we’re overlooking is something far simpler, lighter and – dare I say it – goofier?
Looking back at my own life and the lives of the people I know who are in lasting relationships, there’s one quality that consistently shows up in the healthiest, most fulfilling, most real relationships and it’s this:
Goofiness.
I don’t mean forced banter, ironic memes, or sarcastic in-jokes masking deeper resentment but genuine, unfiltered and spontaneous goofiness.
This article will show you that goofiness isn’t just an optional extra but that it’s the lifeblood of real relationships.
I’ll also share how you can reignite your own goofiness – whether you’re coupled up or flying solo – so that all your relationships can thrive (romantic or otherwise).
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Goofiness: What We’ll Cover in this Article
- If You Can’t Be Goofy With Each Other, You Can’t Be Real
- The Average ‘Failed’ Relationship: From Playfulness to Pressure
- Goofiness Isn’t Immaturity – It’s Realness
- Why We Lose the Goof
- Compatibility Is Overrated (Without Goofiness)
- How to Be More Goofy (Even If You’re Not ‘That’ Type)
- Goofiness + Vision = Relationship Gold
- Practical Tips: How to Inject More Goofiness into Your Relationships
- Final Thoughts on Goofiness
The Average ‘Failed’ Relationship: From Playfulness to Pressure
Let’s rewind to the beginning of most relationships that we often call the “honeymoon phase”:
During this limerent phase of the relationship, everything feels lighter; you laugh more; the world seems sharper, and brighter.
Suddenly, you’re skipping through life with someone who just gets your weirdness and so you invent silly new words, dance in the kitchen, make ridiculous faces, and share obscure inside jokes that no one else could possibly understand (oh, and the sex is usually great too).
All of this is goofiness at its finest:
It’s the unspoken permission to be, to just relax into your own skin, and to be seen in the glory of your full human ridiculousness and loved anyway.
But then… something happens:
Slowly, unnecessary seriousness starts to creep in and so you start thinking about mortgages, marriage, five-year plans, and what they really meant by that comment about your washing up methodology.
You start focusing on what they’re doing wrong or what you’re not getting and the goofiness dies a quiet death, replaced by the suffocating weight of expectation.
At that point, even if you’re still technically compatible on paper – shared interests, mutual attraction, similar worldviews – it’s like all of the colour has drained out of the relationship and you’re back in the pale and empty world that you inhabited before your partner came along (except now you’re stuck with somebody being all serious about things which just makes everything worse).
You’ve stopped playing; you’ve stopped laughing; you’ve forgotten how to be ridiculous together.
And that, in my experience, is when relationships start to crack.
Goofiness Isn’t Immaturity – It’s Realness
Let’s get one thing straight:
Goofiness isn’t childishness and it’s not immaturity. Nor is it flakiness, irresponsibility, or “not taking things seriously enough” – in fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Goofiness is a sign of safety and something that you can only really ‘do’ when you’re feeling regulated:
It only shows up when your nervous system feels at ease and it can only bubble to the surface when you’re not trying to perform, impress, or control outcomes.
In other words, it’s what happens when the ego takes a step back and the real you steps forward -warts and all.
Goofiness is truth.
It’s levity.
And in relationships, it’s the antidote to ego-driven dynamics that suffocate love because when two people can be goofy together – really goofy – they’re not just compatible. They’re REAL.
If you’re struggling to be goofy or real then you definitely have some shadow work to do – check out my book ‘Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World‘ to get started.
Why We Lose the Goof
So if goofiness is so good why do we lose it in the first place?
One reason is that the initial ‘goofy’ energy in our relationships often isn’t real: it’s just infatuation wearing a silly hat.
This is because early ‘goofiness’ is often just an excited projection from our inner child going, “Maybe this is finally the person that will meet all my unmet needs!”
That’s not true playfulness but hope and hormones with a dash of delusion.
The other reason real goofiness can start to fade away is that as expectations pile up and so our egos tighten their grip over us:
We start performing again and trying to be the Perfect Partner or resenting that the other person isn’t; we stop being present and so the inner child goes back into hiding – taking its goofiness with it.
When we get serious it’s because seriousness serves as a shield – in other words, it feels safer to be guarded than exposed.
But here’s the paradox: goofiness is safety because when you can laugh at yourself, there’s nothing left to hide.
Compatibility Is Overrated (Without Goofiness)
Look, compatibility is great and so you need shared values, some level of sexual chemistry and a general desire for similar things out of life.
But compatibility without goofiness is dry toast – i.e. it’s technically fine, but boring.
You might survive on it but you definitely won’t thrive.
You can’t build a healthy, real relationship with someone who won’t laugh with you and you definitely can’t build one with someone who takes themselves too seriously to laugh at themselves. No amount of shared Spotify playlists or aligned Myers-Briggs types will compensate for a total lack of play.
In short, goofiness is what breathes life into all that compatibility – it’s what turns ‘working’ into living.
How to Be More Goofy (Even If You’re Not ‘That’ Type)
Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “Yeah, but I’m just not a goofy person”.
Yes, you are.
You were born goofy.
You just learned to bury it under shame, self-consciousness, and the pressure to ‘be’ a certain way:
Maybe someone told you early on that playfulness was silly or inappropriate or “not masculine” or “not ladylike” – maybe life just wore you down.
Whatever it was, something happened that sent your goofiness deep down into the shadows of yourself.
But the goofiness is still there – you’ve just got to dig it out.
Here’s how:
A 3-Step Goofiness Framework: Awareness, Acceptance, Action
Awareness, Acceptance, and Action is the exact framework I use with my coaching clients and it works for any kind of personal transformation – not just goofiness.
But it fits perfectly here too.
1. Awareness (Deconstruct Ego)
Get curious about your seriousness:
What parts of your ego are making you feel like you have to be rigid all the time?
Who told you goofiness wasn’t allowed in the first place?
Is your serious identity helping you or hiding you?
Start to notice where you censor yourself:
When do you stop yourself from making a joke, being playful, or expressing joy?
That’s your ego flaring up to protect an old wound from being opened or caused again.
2. Acceptance (Integrate the Shadow Self)
You’re human which means that you’ve probably suppressed your goofiness because of shame or fear of rejection.
That’s okay.
Accept that it’s been hidden but also know it never left – your inner goofball is waiting patiently for you in the Shadow Territory.
Acceptance also means recognising that everyone else is winging it too and that no one knows what they’re doing (which is why they’re usually pretending to be so serious about everything).
That realisation alone can unlock a flood of lightness and freedom.
3. Action (Trust Yourself and Life to Do What Needs Doing)
Start small by cracking a silly joke or something.
Send a weird meme. Wear socks with sandals. Make ridiculous faces in the mirror. Whatever feels right.
The point isn’t to force ‘funny’ – it’s to get back in touch with spontaneity – your realness – without fear of how it’s perceived causing you to hold back and hesitate on your real life.
Play is sacred and you reclaim it by practising it.
Goofiness + Vision = Relationship Gold
Along with goofiness, there’s alos a second secret ingredient for long-lasting relationships and it’s this:
Vision.
When a couple shares a vision for where they’re going – personally and together – everything changes because you’re no longer just reacting to life and instead you’re creating something.
This allows you to grow whilst moving in a direction that feels meaningful.
The caveat, of course, is that any vision becomes unbearable if the journey is joyless and so if you take it too seriously, you’ll kill it before you get there.
This is why we can say that the magic formula is this:
Goofiness + Vision = Growth.
You laugh together while you walk the path as you build something without losing yourselves in the building.
You aim for the future, but you play in the now.
That’s how you grow real real together and stay together.
Practical Tips: How to Inject More Goofiness into Your Relationships
Here are some simple ways to bring your goofiness back from the shadows:
1. Create a shared “language”
Invent silly nicknames. Make up words. Quote random films no one else cares about but that you both love.
Secret language builds private worlds.
2. Surprise each other with silliness
Leave daft notes in the fridge.
Wear a silly hat to dinner.
Send voice notes using weird accents.
Play is in the little things, not in grand sweeping gestures (it’s about enjoying that journey towards the vision from moment to moment).
3. Play dumb games together
Try improv games, daft card decks, or just ask each other “Would you rather?” questions. The goal is to loosen up and show each other the real versions of yourself.
4. Laugh at life together
Talk about your worst dates, your awkward moments, your weird dreams. Life’s absurd so let it be and just laugh at it.
5. Have a shared vision
Talk about where you’re going and what you’re building. Make it meaningful but don’t make it heavy. Keep the joy alive in the direction you’re headed.
Final Thoughts on Goofiness
Real relationships are rooted in truth and the truth is that life is ridiculous, rarely makes sense, but that this is okay.
When we embrace the truth and allow ourselves to laugh at the absurdity of it all, we unlock something powerful: freedom, connection, and realness.
So if your relationships feel stale, heavy, or lifeless don’t rush to fix the surface-level stuff that the world cares about.
There’s only one question that really matters:
Have we lost the goofiness?
If so, bring it back – not by performing or pretending, but by relaxing into who you already are underneath all the seriousness.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If this article resonated with you and you’re interested in coaching, then book a free coaching session with me today and I’ll help you to start improving your life and growing real.
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