Building with the Basics so that You Can Live Your Real Life, No Matter What
Keeping it Simple
This article is about the most basic building blocks of real life: sex and death.
There are so many complicated theories and ideas floating around online about what you need to be able to do to live your best possible life but ultimately we’re all speaking in riddles about things that don’t need to be that difficult to understand.
When you boil life down to the essentials, people are only really talking about two things: sex and death (if you wanna add a third thing, you can throw ‘God’ in there – either from a religious, metaphysical, or spiritual perspective but really the whole ‘God’ topic is just about giving people a bunch of rules for living with the problems of ‘sex’ and ‘death’).
It’s interesting because ‘sex’ and ‘death’ are two of the most taboo topics out there; they either get swept under the carpet or they end up being hidden behind complicated symbols, interpretations, and ideas that romanticise them so that we don’t have to face the truth about ourselves and what life really is.
The fact is that everything is about sex and death.
These two things are the foundation of human life and human civilisation.
If you wanna live a ‘good’ or ‘real’ life then you need to get your shit together at these two basic levels.
This article is going to tell you why and how so that you can get your life on track to reality.
Sex: For the sake of this article, ‘sex’ refers not just to the act of doing stuff with your bits and pieces but also refers to your biology and the capacities and limitations of having a human body that does human stuff.
Death: ‘Death’ in this article refers to the notion that time and attention are limited and that your days here are limited (because of your body and its expiration date). Embracing this aspect of the human condition allows us to make some initially difficult choices and face some uncomfortable truths that allow us to live the best possible life.
Reality: In all of the things that I write or talk about, ‘reality’ is just what happens when you choose wholeness over fragmentation and therefore align yourself with the experience of being connected to the truth about yourself, the world, and reality instead of hiding behind your fears and doubts by wearing a conceptual mask (‘ego’).
Balancing out the relationship between these three elements will make your life a better one that is actually worth living (or worth living even more if you already have a good one).
SEX #1: Real versus Unreal
The short answer to the question of “What is real and what is unreal?” is that real is about wholeness and therefore connection and unreal is about fragmentation and therefore disconnection.
If you only see yourself as being a ‘body’, which is made out of fragments, then you will always be disconnected and will identify accordingly (the ego is ultimately the illusion of separation over connection). Sex just amplifies what’s already there: ego + ego = 0, real + real = 1.
When it comes to sex, the main difference between real and unreal is rooted in the same thing: if it’s only about two bodies rubbing their genitals together then it might feel good in the short-term but, ultimately, each of the participants are reinforcing their view of themselves as just being fragmented creatures in a fragmented world.
If it’s real, then sex is always about connecting at some level; either with each other or with ourselves. Real is about getting rid of layers of ego and removing its influence over our lives; unreal is about reinforcing ego and the disconnection that comes with it.
This being said we can say there are three main types of sexual activity – one unreal, two real:
Shagging: Which is really just done for the sake of short-term physical pleasure with no sense of connection to anything besides the immediate ‘needs’ of the body. This is just masturbating but using somebody else as a prop. You don’t have to be that attracted to people that you shag and could technically shag anybody walking down the high street (not that you’d necessarily want to).
Fucking: Which is still done because of physical pleasure but there is the added element of tension and release. This tension and release comes from the opposing polarities of the people involved( (+) and (-), for the sake of simplicity).
The release of this tension removes layers of the ego (which often causes it in the first place) and makes everybody involved more real, even if only for a short time as tension rebuilds and has to be released again. There has to be at least some level of attraction adding to the tension here – this can be physical, psychological, emotional, etc..
In comparison to shagging, the tension is between people as they become real together (with shagging there may often be unreal tension in ourselves because of the void and we use sexual activity/masturbation as way to escape from it, not confront ourselves and grow real).
Lovemaking: Still involves physical please (duh) but is mainly about connecting to the wholeness of your relationship with somebody that you love (aww). For lovemaking, you already know that you’re both real and that the relationship is about being whole and you’re reminding yourself that neither of you are your egos but the shared experience of being one (excuse me whilst I go throw up a little).
Conclusion: Basically, to maximise the realness of your life you need to move up the ladder from shagging (or wanking if you’re single) to either fucking or making love. You’re welcome.
Sex#2: Instinct, Biology, and Psychology aren’t Going Anywhere
To be satisfied sexually, you need to face certain unavoidable biological truths about life that affect the way we relate to ourselves, the world, and reality.
Basically, this means that you have to accept the ‘rules’ of the game and also to accept that a lot of these rules have been set by the fact that you’re in a fragmented, perishable body that has evolved over millions of years for you to be able to survive, thrive, and reproduce.
Master Your Instincts: I wrote about this in more detail elsewhere on the site, but you have certain bodily instincts that will arise within you and that you have to learn to master if you want to live the realest possible life you can. If you get too horny and become a fiend every time you feel the urge you’ll end up in jail or depleted of your essence and energy. In this area of life, control is freedom as it allows you to stay on the Train and manifest your purpose. Train yourself to master yourself (so you can fuck and make love whilst living a life of purpose – if you have a ‘feminine’ polarity then this may come from having enough control to lose control. See below).
Look Good: If you don’t look after your body then nobody will really be attracted to you in the first place (you will still find yourself in situations where you fuck or make love but it will be more difficult). This is just the way it works. Work out. Go for a run. Eat some vegetables a few times a week. Groom yourself. ‘Good looking’ people just look like they’re healthy (even if they’re not). Thanks, nature.
Don’t be Crazy: Everybody is messed up to some extent, that’s what makes us human. The key with relationships is to find somebody who’s messed-up-ness complements your own. There’s a sweet spot though – if you don’t take responsibility for your own mental and emotional health you’re gonna become needy and co-dependent and turn people off. Thanks, nature.
Offer something more than Sex: If you wanna get sex, you have to offer something more than just sex (unless you’re just shagging). This means you have to be a ‘valuable’ person – nobody likes to talk about it but nobody will wanna bang (or even love) you just for being ‘You’ unless being you is valuable in some way. Stay on the Train, live your purpose, and keep growing real into your potential (that’ll stop you being needy too). Thanks, nature.
Conclusion: If you don’t understand the rules of the game, you’re not gonna be able to play the game properly. Sex is fuelled by a series of rules that come ultimately from our biology and its associated psychology. Follow the rules and live a real life; don’t follow the rules and be unsatisfied and confused. You’re welcome.
Sex #3: Polarity
In general, there is no ‘real’ sex (fucking or making love) without sexual polarity. To paraphrase what somebody else said “Relationships add tension, sex releases it” – ultimately, everything in our lives of any ‘meaning’ can be seen as being about these cycles of tension and release (such as the anticipation of chasing a goal and achieving it, working out and then recovering, wondering if your football team is gonna score a goal, etc. – tension and release is everywhere. I’ll write about it in more detail soon).
Relationships are no different and to be real about them, you need to understand the way that this tension and release operates and how it is fuelled by polarity.
Many philosophies and religions have recognised the interplay of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ energies and how they play a role in human relationships (and as an essential part of reality itself). Perhaps the most famous example of this is Yin and Yang, where Yin represents the ‘feminine’ and Yang the ‘masculine’.
Obviously, because we’ve all gone mad, words like ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ are loaded with all kinds of meaning and tension themselves these days, but, for the sake of simplicity, all it really means is that you’re either moving forward with purpose and focus as you make the world react to you, or you’re submitting to the world and reacting to it. The ‘masculine’ penetrates the world (mentally and physically) and the ‘feminine’ is penetrated by it (mentally and physically).
Generally, for a relationship to maintain the cycles of tension and release that keep everybody growing real and keep things interesting (to say the least), we need at least one person to go into the ‘masculine’ role and another to go into the ‘feminine’. This is because these two ‘energies’ are in a kind of dance with each other and need to be balanced out so the cycle of tension and release can start all over again (generally a biological male will be masculine and a biological female feminine but that isn’t always the case).
You need both of these things in a real relationship to have the ebb and flow or tension and release that allows you to grow real. A relationship with out polarity ultimately becomes static because there is no tension and everybody involved is stuck in an unreal state of 50:50 which can only exist in a vacuum or bubble and is therefore unreal because it’s rooted in concept, not reality.
Death #1: Flux vs. Stasis
I write about death a lot, mainly because