People Walk All Over Me (and How to Stop Being A People Pleaser)

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

How You Conditioned Yourself To Be a People Pleaser & How To Get Your Realness Back

Let’s cut straight to the chase:

If you keep letting people walk all over you and acting like a people pleaser, it’s not because you’re weak or because you’re inherently broken or destined to be a doormat for eternity but because – somewhere along the line – you got convinced that playing small was the best way to get through life.

Over the years, this kind of shrinking away from yourself and life instead of LEANING INTO it all became a habit and you started to play the role so well that you’ve forgotten it’s not actually you.

This article is about changing that once and for all so you can reclaim your real life:

We’re going to explore why so many of us end up in the habit of over-giving, people-pleasing, and tolerating disrespect and – more importantly – how to break the cycle.

We won’t be attempting to do this via performative confidence or fake-it-til-you-make-it assertiveness ‘hacks’ but by getting real with yourself, your shame, your ego, and the hidden power you forgot you had.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The reward for people pleasing is that people walk all over you.

People Walk All Over Me: What We’ll Cover in this Article

How You Conditioned Yourself To Be a People Pleaser & How To Get Your Realness Back
The Real Reason You Let People Walk All Over You
Shame, Ego, and the Role You’re Playing
Realness = Balance
Obstacles on the Path (And How to Handle Them)
Anchoring Your Realness with Vision, Goals, and Habits
Practical Steps: How to Stop People Pleasing and Letting People Walk All Over You
People Pleasing and Letting People Walk All Over You: Final Words

The Real Reason You Let People Walk All Over You

When you’re walking in your own realness (the truth about yourself without masks or performance), there’s a natural give-and-take to life that you actively engage in:

You know when to say “yes”, when to say “no”, when to lean in, and when to step back – it’s a balanced flow that comes from working with reality instead of against it.

On the other side of the coin, when you’re not real – when you’re caught up in ego patterns or playing roles – that flow gets hijacked and your life starts to pick up unnecessary friction that brings frustration and misery in the form of anxiety and even depression:

In this unreal ego state, you either give too much (people-pleasing) or take too much (entitlement). Both of these approaches are just different reactions to underlying SHAME.

If you’re someone who tends to get walked over and ends up effacing yourself because of people pleasing tendencies, then it’s because you’re stuck in a pattern of over-giving:

That usually means you’re caught up in a neurotic loop (fuelled by your underlying shame) and blaming yourself for everything, trying to ‘earn’ your place, and hoping that if you’re just nice enough, generous enough, or agreeable enough, that people will like you and stop you from feeling that creeping sense of shame you carry.

Unfortunately, even though this people pleasing strategy is an attempt to escape from that underlying shame, it only ever masks the problem because the more you deny your truth to please others, the stronger the shame gets (because shame is really just a disconnection from the truth).

Shame, Ego, and the Role You’re Playing

When we’re stuck in over-giving, we’re living our lives from behind the filter of a false self – the mask of ego:

You created this mask to survive because, somewhere along the line, your nervous system decided that being agreeable and useful to others was the safest way to get attention, approval, or protection.

This probably worked for a while but, over time, that strategy became a prison and you just ended up living as a character in someone else’s story – or many people’s stories – instead of allowing yourself to be the main character in your own.

Here’s the road that you probably took to find yourself where you currently are (with people walking all over you if you’re reading this article):

You said “Yes” when you meant “No” (usually saying “No” to the real ‘stuff’ and “Yes” to the unreal ‘stuff’).
You stayed silent when your boundaries are crossed (because your shame made you feel like you didn’t deserve basic respect).
You over-explained yourself to avoid conflict (because you’ve become disconnected from your core sense of truth).
You gave, gave, gave…and then felt resentful (because nobody really appreciated your efforts, you ran out of energy, and your shame still didn’t go anywhere).

Deep down, you know this way of being and behaving in the world isn’t the real you – in fact, the more you be and behave in this way, the more you can feel the Void creeping in – the sense that you’re disconnected not just from others but also from yourself and life itself at the deepest possible level of truth.

Realness = Balance

Being real doesn’t mean swinging to the other extreme and becoming hard, cold, or selfish – it just means returning to a healthy inner balance where you can:

Give when it’s real to give (because you’re in touch with your realness and so you know what gifts you have to share with the world).
Receive when it’s real to receive (because you know that you’re worthy of receiving the gifts that life has to offer and your shame doesn’t block this from happening).
Say “Yes” when it’s a yes and “No” when it’s a no (because you’re rooted in the truth and know it as part of your being).

All of this is basically about living from your centre instead of your F.E.A.R (“False Evidence Appearing Real”) and it starts by going through the three stages of real transformation: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

(These are the three stages I build my coaching containers around when working with clients).

Stage 1: Awareness – Deconstructing the Ego

This is where you get radically honest with yourself and take a good look at that mask you’ve been wearing (ego):

It starts by asking yourself some questions about the people pleasing pattern that’s led to people walking all over you:

When did I learn that being overly-accommodating would protect me?
Whose love or approval was I trying to win?
What am I afraid will happen if I stop playing this role?

You might find that this pattern goes way back to your childhood, school years, or early relationships in general. Don’t get too caught up on it because it doesn’t actually matter where it came from…what does matter it’s that it’s not REAL and if you want to start making lasting changes then you need to figure out what real looks like instead.

The ego isn’t evil or anything (despite what you might have heard about killing it etc. – you can’t kill something that’s unreal) – it’s just a coping mechanism that became outdated and so doesn’t serve you anymore.

“Deconstructing” it doesn’t mean hating yourself – it just means seeing your story clearly so you can finally let go of the script and start actually living.

Stage 2: Acceptance – Reclaiming Your Shadow Power

Once you’ve seen the pattern and the ways that the ego is causing you to hold back and hesitate, the next step is accepting that your real power has been exiled into the Shadow Territory as ‘part’ of the Shadow Self.

You haven’t lost this power; you’re just disconnected from it.

In Realness work, we talk about the Shadow Territory a lot and it refers to the ‘parts’ of you that you’ve hidden away because you thought they were too much, not enough, or somehow something to feel shame around.

For people-pleasers, this often includes:

Anger
Assertiveness
Self-worth
Boundaries

None of these things are flaws – far from it, in fact, they all help you to protect your dignity and to serve as fuel for your real life. They’re actually vital aspects of your wholeness and need them to live fully and in a real way.

Acceptance at this stage doesn’t mean resignation – it means reintegration which simply means welcoming these lost parts home and back out of unnecessary exile.

Stage 3: Action – Trusting Yourself and Life Through Real Movement

Here’s where things change permanently: through real action.

It might be tough for some people to hear (though you’ve probably heard it before) but the truth is that nothing will shift in a real way until you do something different….you can’t just ‘think’ your way out of being a doormat.

You have to act your way back into the truth by acting in alignment with what you know is true.

As I like to say on this site:

All you really need to do is:

Uncover the truth
Live the truth

This means that you start to:

Say “No” to the unreal ‘stuff’ that you used to say “Yes” to.
Setting boundaries and holding them because you live according to your lasting principles more than your temporary feelings.
Speaking when the time comes (even if you’re scared).

At first, this will feel unnatural and you might feel guilty or face some push back from people but this is all part of the process:

In fact, here’s something to watch out for once you put yourself on this path:

When you change, the people who benefited from the old version of you will often resist your growth and try to coerce you into going back to the ‘Old’ You.

They might say you’re being selfish; that you’ve changed; that you’re not “being nice” anymore, but – honestly – that’s not your problem, it’s there’s (if you’re being real).

It’s all just a sign of growth because what’s really happening is this:

The reconfiguration of your ego and the roles you were playing has caused them to look at themselves and they’re not ready for that (because of their own emotional and ego ‘stuff’ that’s causing them to be unreal).

Let them deal with their discomfort and work on it whilst you stay focused on growing real.

Read my book Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World if you want to go much deeper into understanding your own shadow and the process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

Obstacles on the Path (And How to Handle Them)

As you start to make the shift from unreal to real and overcome some of your people pleasing traits and tendencies, you might have to contend with some of the following emotional ‘stuff’ that was fuelling it in the first place:

1. Guilt

It will feel wrong to prioritise your realness at first but that’s totally okay. Do it anyway. It’s only happening because you’re going against your old habitual way of showing up (which was just ego).

2. Fear of Rejection

Some people might actually walk away from you if you step out of the familiar roles they’re used to you playing but the ones know the real you will stick around. Let the seasons change and what’s real will always remain.

3. Self-Doubt

You’ll wonder if you’re overreacting but you’re probably not – if you feel walked on, then that’s enough information for you to know that it’s time to start making some changes.

Anchoring Your Realness with Vision, Goals, and Habits

If you want to supercharge this transformation then getting clarity about your direction for moving forward will speed up your progress, dissolve those old and unreal stories that keep you people pleasing, and help you to avoid distractions.

You can do this by creating a real vision for who you want to become, break it down into clear goals, and then building daily habits that move you in that direction.

This helps because:

It gives your energy somewhere productive to go instead of having it turn against you.
It keeps you focused on who you’re growing to BECOME when others try to drag you back into old roles.
It helps you build evidence that you’re growing into someone stronger, truer, and more powerful and so those old gremlins of ego no longer have power over you.

Over time, your old identity and all of the people pleasing software it was running against you will feel alien – in fact, it won’t even make sense to people-please anymore because you’ll know how unreal it was.

Practical Steps: How to Stop People Pleasing and Letting People Walk All Over You

1. Daily Realness Check-In

Finish each evening by reflecting on your day as a people pleaser:

Where did I compromise my realness today?
What one action can I take to reclaim it?

2. Boundary Rehearsals

Practise saying “No” in low-stakes situations and build the muscle over time.

3. Shadow Work Journalling

Journal on the parts of you that you hide and ask yourself questions like “What would happen if I let this part speak today?”

This page has a lot of Shadow Work exercises that can also help you to get in touch with your shadow self: 100 Shadow Work Exercises: Making the Unconscious Conscious & Growing Real

4. Ego Role Spotting

Watch out for yourself playing roles like the Nice Guy/Girl and stop and pause when you find yourself in this state.

Pause. Then ask yourself:

What’s the real version of me want to say or do right now?

Do that instead.

5. Build a Realness Vision Map

My free 7-day video course comes with 158-page workbook and will help you to create a vision for yourself so you have a solid direction to move in:

The 7-Day Personality Transplant System Shock for Realness & Life Purpose

People Pleasing and Letting People Walk All Over You: Final Words

You don’t need to become somebody or something else to stop being walked over – you just need to stop pretending to be unreal.

Realness isn’t a mask but a homecoming.

Stop giving yourself away to people who only know how to take and reclaim a relationship with the truth instead of ego. Reclaim your power and start walking your own path with the kind of presence that doesn’t need to shout to be heard.

If people say you’ve changed then smile and agree that you have. Let them know that you’ve finally come home to yourself and that they can too if they like.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to grow real and stop being walked all over then book a free coaching session with me today and I’ll help you start leaning in instead of shrinking away.

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.

Join the 7-Day Bare Ass Minimum (BAM) Challenge and start to implement foundational health habits and a powerful life vision only a week from now.

Real Always Works