by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
You Can’t Trust People Who Are Always Trying to Impress You (Because They’re Not Real)
We’ve all met them – the person who struts into the room with an over-polished smile, dazzling anecdotes about their exotic holidays, and a suspiciously rehearsed humility about their latest career milestone.
Or what about the fair-weather ‘friend’ who suddenly reappears after years of silence, armed with stories about their six-figure salary, luxury car, or whatever else they hope will leave your jaw on the floor?
People of this ilk live for one thing and one thing only: to impress.
Here’s the sordid truth about what’s really going on, though: people who are always trying to ‘impress’ you aren’t doing you a favour or anything – actually, they’re taking from you, because they’re creating narratives and stories to take your ENERGY so they can inflate their opinion of themselves and get a temporary high (unfortunately, it’s always short-lived because they’re simply attempting to fill a void that can never be filled).
More often than not, the glossy and polished exterior that these people try to portray is hiding a much less glamorous interior. At the root of this behaviour is an uncomfortable, unspoken truth – a deep sense of shame and insecurity that drives them to inflate themselves into something bigger, shinier, and (seemingly) ‘better’ than they feel inside.
In other words, it’s totally UNREAL.
Why Some People Are Always Trying to Impress Others
At first glance, these “look-at-me” types may come across as confident or even intimidating:
They want you to believe they’ve got it all together—more money, more success, more charm – but this is only because they know deep down that this isn’t the TRUTH (which is fine but they have SHAME about it because of what they have learned to believe is really important about the value of a human being and what it means to be REAL).
Scratch the surface, and you’ll often find their behaviour is less about confidence and more about compensation.
1. The Root Cause: Shame
Underneath the bravado lies a fundamental truth: they don’t feel ‘enough’ because they have become disconnected from the TRUTH at some level and this has created a conflict between the Ego (the image they display to the world and filter life through) and the Shadow Self (all the real ‘parts’ that they’ve sent into hiding to uphold this image).
Shame is the core emotion driving this need to impress – it plays a broken record within the inner experience of the person, whispering lies to the person it consumes:
“You’re not good enough”, “You’re unworthy”, “You need to prove yourself to be liked”.
For people struggling with shame, the easiest way to silence these inner doubts is to seek external validation and – in extreme cases – this mutates into the need to ‘impress’ others as much as possible and at any cost to one’s own integrity.
By crafting a shiny, idealised version of themselves, they can momentarily drown out their own insecurities.
But the relief is fleeting.
Why?
Because deep down, they know the persona they’ve created isn’t real and so they will always feel the restless call of the void that can never be filled (because you can only fill it by being REAL and returning to the TRUTH about yourself which always brings unconditional self-acceptance).
When you’re pretending to be something you’re not, no amount of applause will ever feel like enough – you may get a temporary RELEASE from the TENSION of not being yourself as you believe your own hype and BS but the void just creeps back in again and so you have to go look for your next ‘fix’.
These people are ADDICTED to chasing ego strokes so they can quiet that voice in their minds for a little while… It always comes back, though, and so they just end up being stuck on the hamster wheel and acting compulsively to get some respite.
2. The Psychology of Self-Inflation
Think of a balloon that’s constantly being blown up but never tied off – that’s the essence of self-inflation.
The person builds themselves up with stories, achievements, and material symbols, but because it’s all fuelled by insecurity, it never holds its shape. The air comes right out and they need to find a source to inflate themselves all over again. It must be draining.
There are two main things that keep people locked in this cycle:
- The Need to Be The ‘Best’: Many people who crave validation have a competitive streak, not because they enjoy competition, but because they can’t stand the idea of being seen as “less than” (as it triggers that underlying shame).
If someone else is thriving, it feels like a personal attack so they inflate themselves further to reclaim a sense of superiority and attempt to keep that shame at bay (which means their actions are all shame-driven… by not facing it and dissolving it, they just make it worse). - Overcompensating for ‘Weak’ Spots: Someone might flaunt their financial success not because they truly value wealth, but because they grew up feeling inadequate or powerless; others might exaggerate their charm or toughness to mask their fear of vulnerability.
The “gangster,” the “playboy,” or the “power player” personas, for example, are often just armour against a deeply felt sense of unworthiness designed to keep the world at arm’s length (again, because getting ‘close’ triggers shame and they can’t handle it).
Why You Can’t Trust People Who Are Always Trying to Impress
The problem with this behaviour isn’t just that it’s exhausting to witness – it’s also inherently untrustworthy because people who rely on self-inflation are usually more focused on controlling how they’re perceived than on forming genuine, meaningful connections.
This worth knowing for a bunch of reasons:
1. They’re Not Showing Their True Selves
Trust comes from authenticity and being connected to our REALNESS.
The bottom line is that you can’t build a real connection with someone who’s constantly wearing a mask or if you’re constantly wearing one.
When someone’s goal is simply to impress and TAKE that validation from others they’re not being present or bringing anything true to a relationship. Instead, they’re putting all their focus on curating an image – one that’s more about manipulation than mutual respect.
This means that they’re FILTERING everything that happens through how they can get that ego stroke and come across in the way that their shame needs, not what the situation needs (I call people who are controlled by their shame like this ‘Shame Puppets‘).
- Example: That friend who brags about their luxury car or designer wardrobe might seem successful on the surface, but you’ll rarely hear about their worries, fears, or moments of self-doubt – they’d rather dazzle you than risk being seen as imperfect.
2. Their Validation is Externally Dependent
People who rely on impressing others are emotionally fragile. This is because their sense of self-worth is tied to how others perceive them and they’re constantly at the mercy of external opinions.
This creates a cycle of dependence: they need you to be impressed so they can feel ‘okay’ about themselves. And if you’re not impressed? They’ll either double down or disappear entirely (so they can find another ‘supply’ that keeps them the validation they need).
- Example: Have you ever noticed how people who crave validation often lose interest in you the moment you stop reacting to their antics? That’s because your reaction – not your relationship – is what they were really after. It’s unreal.
The Real Test: Organic vs. Contrived
One of the easiest ways to spot self-inflation is to ask yourself this:
Does it feel organic (REAL) or does it feel contrived (UNREAL)?
Real confidence doesn’t need a spotlight or need to be announced or adorned with bells and whistles – it simply exists (because what’s real is always real).
Think about the truly impressive people you’ve encountered in your life:
Chances are, they weren’t the ones shouting about their achievements – they were the ones quietly doing the work, letting their actions and character speak for themselves.
- Organic Impressions: When someone is truly at peace with themselves, you’ll sense it without them saying a word. Their presence feels grounded and their actions align with their values because whatever they’re doing is ROOTED in reality and truth (where there is no shame).
- Contrived Performances: By contrast, people who are constantly trying to impress you often feel exhausting or overwhelming because they’re actually TAKING instead of giving. There’s a desperation to their energy – a need for you to see them in a certain light so they can feed on your energy for a few moments (before the void calls them back and they end up chasing that next ‘fix’ – it’s really an addiction).
How to Handle People Who Are Always Trying to Impress
When you encounter someone who’s clearly in the “look-at-me” phase of their life, it’s tempting to roll your eyes or call them out but, remember, their behaviour is rooted in the pain of unresolved shame.
While it’s not your job to ‘fix’ them, understanding where they’re coming from can help you respond with compassion rather than frustration (or even worse).
1. Set Boundaries
If their need for validation is draining your energy, it’s okay to take a step back – protect your peace by limiting your interactions or steering conversations away from their ‘performances’.
I always like to say “Gimme something real or GTFO” – if it’s too unreal for too long then there’s no shame in walking away.
2. Don’t Feed the Ego
Resist the urge to validate their self-inflation. Instead of engaging with their bragging or praising their contrived stories, try redirecting the conversation towards something more genuine. If you feed their ego it WILL get worse – they’ll believe their own hype and most likely become arrogant (seen this happen a few times, tbh).
- Example: If someone is bragging about their latest material purchase, ask them about their values behind how they actually want to experience it or the things that truly matter to them. This can subtly encourage them to shift their focus from external validation to internal reflection and their own REALNESS.
3. Lead by Example
The best way to inspire REALNESS in others is to embody it yourself:
Be open about your own struggles, fears, and imperfections – when people see you embracing your real self, it might give them the courage to do the same (or, it might not, depending on how deep they’ve gone into their own ego ‘stuff’).
Practical Exercise: The Authenticity Check-In
If you’ve noticed that you’re slipping into the trap of trying to impress others (and let’s be honest, we’ve all done it at some point), here’s an exercise to bring yourself back to reality:
- Write Down Your ‘Performances‘
Spend a few minutes reflecting on the ways you might be trying to impress others: Are you exaggerating your achievements? Bragging about your possessions? Curating a certain image on social media? Write down anything that feels performative without judging yourself. - Identify the Root Emotion
For each ‘performance’, ask yourself: What am I trying to prove? and Why do I feel the need to prove it? Most of the time, the answer will lead you to an underlying fear or insecurity around some SHAME ‘thing’. - Challenge the Belief
Once you’ve identified the root emotion, challenge it. Ask yourself:- Is this belief true?
- Would I still be good ‘enough’ if I let go of this persona?
- What would happen if I stopped trying to impress and simply allowed myself to be?
- Focus on Actions, Not Appearances
Shift your energy towards actions that align with your values, rather than appearances that align with others’ expectations. Remember, you don’t need to impress anyone to be REAL.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, realness will always win over ‘performing’ our way through life. While people who constantly try to impress may seem dazzling on the surface, their need for validation often reveals an inner world of shame and insecurity…which isn’t very ‘impressive’ at all when you think about it.
True confidence doesn’t need an audience; it doesn’t need to shout or shine or sell itself. It simply is.
The next time you’re tempted to be impressed – or to impress – pause and ask yourself: Is this real? Because the real always speaks for itself and it’s always saying something true.
Stay real out there,
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