by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Regret Visits All of Us at Some Time in Our Lives
An absolute fact about the human condition is that we all mess up:
Some of us mess up spectacularly with fireworks, fallout, and full-on existential crises whilst others do it quietly – behind closed doors – in subtle ways that no one else may ever see.
Either way, regret visits us all at some stage in our lives and, when it does, it tends to stick its claws in – not because we’re ‘bad’ people – but because we’re all human and humans are gonna human which means that it’s messy sometimes.
Nevertheless, if you’re finding yourself feeling and thinking “I regret the past” or something similar – haunted by what you did (or didn’t do) – then this article is for you.
We’re going to talk about why regret feels so heavy, how it links to ego and shame, and why it’s also a weird gift in disguise. Most importantly, we’re going to explore how to let it go, integrate its lesson, and get on with being real.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
I Regret the Past: What We Cover in This Article
- Regret Visits All of Us at Some Time in Our Lives
- Why Regret Feels So Heavy
- Regret, Ego, and the Shadow Self
- What Acceptance Really Means
- We’re All Human (And That Means We’re All Flawed)
- Realness Beats Regret
- The Lao Tzu Reminder
- Practical Steps to Deal with Regret and Move Forward
- Final Words On Regret: Don’t Waste Your Life on a Lie
Why Regret Feels So Heavy
To really understand what you’re going through when it comes to regret, you need to understand that regret isn’t just about wishing things had gone differently – it’s about a break in your identity.
Here’s how it tends to unfold:
You look back at something you did – the relationship you ruined, the opportunity you missed, the thing you said (or didn’t say) – and something in you recoils in horror and shame.
“That wasn’t me” you tell yourself but, deep down, you know it was and now you’re left in a kind of limbo where you’re holding on to a version of yourself that you can’t accept.
Here’s the truth that can start to free you from yourself:
Regret is what happens when we hold onto the past so tightly that it stops us from being real in the here-and-now.
Why do we hold on so tightly?
Because fully facing what happened would mean looking at the emotions we’ve buried – usually the Unholy Trinity of shame, guilt, and/or trauma.
To make matters trickier, really learning from the past and facing these hidden, unresolved emotions means threatening the fragile ego we’ve built to survive in the world for as long as we can probably remember.
The reason this is so difficult is that your ego and your shadow self are locked in a Shadow Dance, constantly vying for dominance:
Most people let the ego win because it feels ‘familiar’ and gives them a sense of illusory control over themselves and life but when regret knocks on the door, it’s almost always because you’ve had a glimpse of your own shadow before your ego is ready for it (which it never really is)…and that can be terrifying.
Regret, Ego, and the Shadow Self
The ego is the version of yourself that you think you need to be – it’s how you survive:
How you present yourself to the world, how you make sense of things, and how you protect yourself from emotional pain that reminds you of the past.
On the other hand, the shadow is all the ‘stuff’ you’ve rejected:
The parts of you that hold the truth about your mistakes, your vulnerability, your capacity to cause harm and also your deepest wisdom.
As it says in Shadow Life: Freedom From BS in an Unreal World:
“Your Shadow is all of the things, ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, that you’ve denied about yourself and hidden beneath the surface of the mask you forgot that you’re wearing.”
Regret is that weird emotional cocktail that comes from shame, guilt, and trauma about what’s down there in the Shadow Territory all mingling together – it makes you judge yourself harshly and question your own identity.
But because your ego is so attached to being someone (even if that ‘someone’ is a lie), it clings to an outdated image of who you were or should have been – that, right there, is what blocks the flow of real lessons and stops you integrating what the past was trying to teach you, keeping you stuck in a mental time loop.
What Acceptance Really Means
Here’s another truth about regret:
If you’re dealing with serious regret, then you’re not accepting who you are now.
You’re not accepting:
- What you learned about yourself but haven’t integrated yet (because the lesson threatens your ego).
- The way the world works (with all its unpredictability and how this threatens your egos sense of perceived control).
- Your place within life as a whole (including your limits and your potential – with your ego denying both (your limits and what’s possible for you in your realness).
That might sound harsh but it’s also empowering because what it means is this:
You can choose to accept yourself – ‘good’ and ‘bad’, ‘light’ and ‘dark’ – even with the all the scars and the ‘failures’ and start again…not as a brand-new person but as a more real one.
We’re All Human (And That Means We’re All Flawed)
Let’s be honest (not that we haven’t been already):
No human being is perfect; no one gets it right every time. We are not omniscient or omnipotent; we’re limited, we’re emotional, and we’re always learning (if our egos can handle the lessons).
That means it’s pretty much guaranteed that at some point before you die, you will do or say something that fills you with regret.
(The ‘good’ news is that so will everyone else).
So what if we stopped pretending that regret is something to avoid at all costs and instead saw it as something to prepare for and learn to live with when it comes to visit for a while (it always goes eventually)?
Not by living recklessly but by embracing it as part of the human condition:
When we do that, we take the sting out of it and remove the self-judgement, spiralling blame, and all of the hypothetical “What if I’d done it differently?” fantasies.
When we live in a real way and accept life as it is then regret is no longer a personal failing – it’s just a part of the terrain on the journey we’re all on towards wholeness.
When you can see this, then you’re finally free to face yourself without the interpretations and misperceptions of the ego putting unnecessary obstacle in your path:
Not to label yourself as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but to be real.
Realness Beats Regret
The less you resist your own realness, the less likely you are to hurt others or yourself in future:
This is because when you’re not acting from ego – when you’re not hiding behind an image or trying to maintain control and trying to force life – then you’re in the flow and you’re aligned with wholeness.
In this state, you make clearer decisions, you listen more, and you understand what matters because you’re not tearing yourself in different directions. You stop repeating the same patterns that caused the regret in the first place.
This is what shadow integration is really about:
It’s not about wallowing in what you did but about owning it so fully that what’s hidden from view no longer controls you.
The Lao Tzu Reminder
There’s a quote often (possibly wrongly) attributed to Lao Tzu that goes:
“If you’re depressed, you’re living in the past. If you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. If you’re happy, you’re living in the present.”
Whether or not he actually said it, the point stands:
You can’t heal or grow anywhere but in the now and that requires cultivating presence.
If you’re caught in regret, you’re stuck in the past but the way out isn’t to forget what happened – it’s to bring your presence to it so that you can learn from it, digest it, and use it as a catalyst for realness.
You can’t rewrite history but you can always choose to rewrite the meaning it has in your life and the future direction you’ll be moving in towards something more real.
My book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace will help you go deep into the flow so you can get over the past and live your real life.
Practical Steps to Deal with Regret and Move Forward
Here’s a process to start working through regret in a real and grounded way:
1. Awareness: Name What You’re Regretting
Be as specific as possible.
Don’t just say, “I regret the past”, for example – what exactly do you regret?
- A choice you made?
- A person you hurt?
- A risk you didn’t take?
Write it down and be brutal but tender with yourself. Definitely don’t sugar-coat it because the more clarity you have, the more power you have to face it.
2. Acceptance: Drop the Judgement
Now ask yourself some questions that get you into the deeper shadow ‘stuff’ that needs facing:
- What emotions are tied up in this regret? (Shame? Guilt? Trauma? Others?)
- What did this regret teach me about myself that goes against my ego?
- What ‘part’ of me finds this hard to accept?
This step is about seeing the truth without judgement and reminding yourself that you’re not a monster (or whatever).
You’re a human. Accept that fully.
3. Action: Integrate the Lesson
Now ask yourself some questions to start shifting away from the past and into the future:
- How can I grow real from this?
- What boundaries, values, or truths will I take forward from this?
- How can I show up differently today and moving forward?
This is the part most people skip – they feel the regret, maybe even accept it, but then do nothing.
But real change happens when we act because real action is the only ‘cure’ for anything.
You might want to reach out and apologise.
Or forgive yourself.
Or start doing that thing you were too afraid to try before.
Whatever it is — do it…that’s how regret transforms into growth.
Final Words On Regret: Don’t Waste Your Life on a Lie
It’s never too late to grow real but you can waste your whole life dwelling on the times you were unreal.
So if regret is knocking, open the door:
Not to punish yourself, but to listen, to learn, and to integrate.
Whichever way you look at it, the truth is simple:
You are not your past. You are the person who’s alive right now – reading this article – with a choice to make.
Are you gonna move towards wholeness in yourself? Or are you gonna keep tearing yourself to pieces?
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to let go of the past and start taking action that will carry you towards your real life then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you to take your first steps.
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Shadow Life is an exploration of the human shadow and the hidden side of our personalities. It looks at the masks we wear, where these masks come from, and how we can take them off.
The book explores how we can better manage our relationships with shame, guilt, and trauma in order to remove the Mask that the world has asked us to wear (and that we forgot we were wearing) so we can live an authentic life with less drama, chaos, or BS whilst we’re still around.
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