by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Slaying Your Demons as a Man By Regulating, Integrating, and Accelerating
Many men these days are struggling with their ‘demons’:
I don’t mean this in a theatrical, horror-movie sense necessarily but more in a very real and human sense in reference to patterns of behaviour that take over when self-control disappears, when compulsion takes the wheel, and when we stop acting like the men we know we could be.
The kind of demons that many of us are dealing with don’t show up in a vacuum – instead, they grow in the gaps between how we actually feel and how we think we’re ‘supposed’ to feel, between who we are and who we’re pretending to be, and between the truth about reality and a resistance of it.
The key to overcoming these demons once and for all is knowing that – while they can certainly feel powerful and even identity-defining – there’s a deeper truth at play which is that the demons are NOT you in a meaningful way: they’re actually just what happens when you stray from yourself in your REALNESS.
This article is about understanding your ‘demons’ properly, seeing where they come from, and finally breaking the cycle so you can start living your REAL life again (one that feels grounded, intentional, and free because you can actually be present in yourself and life instead of feeling compulsive pulls to be something else).
The truth is that most men don’t need more discipline – which is the most common strategy people try to implement when it comes to overcoming their demons – what they actually need clarity about what’s actually happening inside them.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
Slaying Your Demons as a Man: What We'll Cover in This Article
- Slaying Your Demons as a Man By Regulating, Integrating, and Accelerating
- What We Mean by “Demons” Anyway?
- What Actually Creates a Demon in the First Place
- The Key Principle Most Men Miss
- The Two Things That Feed Demons
- The Real Problem: Disconnection From Self & Life
- The Way Out (Demon Slaying): REGULATE, INTEGRATE, ACCELERATE
- The Final Word: Slaying Your Demons
What We Mean by “Demons” Anyway?
Before we go any further, let’s define our terms so we know what we’re talking about:
A “demon” in this context is a bad habit that has gone out of control and started causing real damage in your life – not just something you occasionally do but something that feels like it does you.
Demons can take many forms but some of the most common for men include:
- Sexual depletion (porn addiction, compulsive masturbation, meaningless sex).
- Alcohol and drug use.
- Gambling.
- Violence or aggressive outbursts (in more extreme cases)>
- Endless scrolling, gaming, or distraction loops.
- Any behaviour driven by the energy of compulsion.
“Compulsion” is really the key word here because it encapsulates the feeling that demons bring to our lives of “I don’t really have a choice” – i.e. those moments where something deep inside you screams no…and so you do it anyway.
You don’t do it because you actually WANYT to but because something stronger seems to be pulling you away from yourself.
That “something” is your demon.
What Actually Creates a Demon in the First Place
At the root of every compulsive behaviour, you’ll always find the same thing: unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ – usually some combination of:
- Shame.
- Guilt.
- Trauma.
(These three form the Unholy Trinity)
Along with: - Suppressed anger or sadness.
- Confused or distorted beliefs about self-worth.
This emotional ‘stuff’ doesn’t just disappear because we ignore it – instead, it creates a backlog that keeps accumulating (in our emotional reservoir) and when it accumulates beyond our awareness, it starts expressing itself as thoughts and then behaviour.
One way I like to break it down like this:
- Demons = Unresolved emotional energy that’s gone out of control
- Gremlins = The thoughts and beliefs that come out of that emotional state (even if it’s an unconscious state because the emotions are buried)
Here are some examples so you can see what I mean:
- “I need this so I can feel okay about myself” (when you can feel okay about yourself whenever you choose)!
- “I’ve already messed up so it doesn’t matter – I might as well quit” (when, actually, you could keep going and get the results you want)!
- “This [addiction/compulsion] is the only way I can relax” (when, really, there are many healthier ways to relax)!
- “I’ll start again tomorrow” (when you know you probably won’t)!
The demon is the emotional charge and the gremlins are the mental stories that justify it – think of it as the demons being the master and the gremlins going out there to do their bidding!
Together, the two of them form a loop that feels very real when you fear taking a good look at it (because fear is F.E.A.R: “False Evidence Appearing Real”) but isn’t rooted in truth.
Actually, that brings us to the most important and fundamental point:
Neither demons nor gremlins are real – they just FEEL that way because we identified with avoidance rather than presence.
When we’re not willing to feel our actual feelings so that we can return to a baseline of truth, then we just get lost in the inner tension that being unreal brings and so distraction becomes relief, compulsion becomes short-term regulation, and, slowly but surely, a simple ‘bad’ habit becomes a diabolical and demonic kind of prison.
The Key Principle Most Men Miss
The key principle that most guys who are trying to overcome their demons miss is as follows:
Demons have no power when you’re aligned with the truth and they can only dominate you when you’re disconnected from it.
When a man is grounded in reality – which essentially means that he’s present, aware, and embodied – then the compulsive pull of any ‘demons’ in his life weakens dramatically because the internal tension that fuels the compulsive ‘demonic’ behaviour is no longer building inside of him.
Really understanding this tension is key because all tension seeks a RELEASE and you can either choose to do this in either a real or an unreal way.
If it’s reached the stage where the demons have been overwhelming you, then you’ve been trying to gain a release in a way that’s unreal for you and it’s turned into a compulsion.
The way forward is to understand that there are two primary types of ‘food’ for the demons that feed them in this unreal way:
The Two Things That Feed Demons
1. Shame
Shame is not just “feeling bad about yourself” – it’s actually much deeper than that and can be seen as a state of disconnection from truth which leads to the creation of the Void.
When we find ourselves living in the Void then our internal state becomes overshadowed by the core belief that “There’s something wrong with me and life that I need to escape from“.
What this means is that when a man is driven by shame, he’s not in reality (because shame is a disconnection from truth) – he’s actually is in a distorted internal world where he feels incomplete, defective, or “not enough as I am” and this creates pressure and inner tension that continues to build.
This inner tension (which is really just the pain of being unreal) causes the system to look for some kind of release so that it doesn’t get totally overwhelmed – this is where compulsive behaviours enter the picture:
Porn, alcohol, gambling, unnecessary aggression – all of these things often begin as relief mechanisms because they temporarily dissolve the tension.
Unfortunately, because they don’t address the root cause – the disconnection from truth – the tension returns stronger and stronger after each cycle and so the dose (of porn, alcohol, whatever) increases and so what started as relief becomes dependency.
Underneath it all, shame is driving the search for escape, but all that ends up happening is that the SHAME FEEDS THE DEMON – not because the man is weak because he is disconnected from truth and keeps turning further and further away from it.
2. Boredom
Boredom is often misunderstood but it’s another thing that can end up feeding your demons and stopping you from living your real life as the man you know you can truly be.
It’s not just “having nothing to do” – it’s actually a disconnection from the meaning that comes as a by-product of having a real purpose in life.
The short-version is that a man without direction is vulnerable to his demons – not because he lacks intelligence or discipline but because there is no natural pull towards life and nature hates a vacuum (but the Void loves it).
As the ol’ saying goes:
“Idle hands are the devil’s workshop”.
When there’s no meaningful direction to move and evolve in then the nervous system seeks stimulation and distraction as a RELEASE from the TENSION of boredom and so anything that creates intensity becomes attractive regardless of consequence.
Here’s the important distinction, though:
I’m not talking about becoming a productivity machine because overworking is just another form of escape (a.k.a. being a workaholic) and busyness can be just as compulsive as addiction when we’re trying to avoid reality (because of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’).
The solution is not to distract yourself through your activities but to find a sense of real purpose which is a vision or direction to move in that aligns with who you actually are in your REALNESS – in other words, something that pulls you forward rather than something you use to (try and) outrun yourself.
When a man is engaged in something meaningful, boredom disappears because he is reconnects to reality and leaves the Void behind.
The Real Problem: Disconnection From Self & Life
At the deepest level, demons emerge when a man leaves himself behind for whatever reason:
- Disconnected from truth
- Identified with ego narratives
- Avoiding emotional reality
- Unintegrated in his body
- Avoiding life and its call
In this state – of being a Void-dweller living in the Void – compulsive behaviour makes sense because it becomes a strange form of self-regulation in the absence of awareness.
This always comes at a cost, though, because every time you attempt escape yourself and life (which is impossible, really – you can only distort your view), you reinforce the belief that there’s something to escape from and this belief always eventually becomes a prison.
If you’re ready to go deeper into flow and realness then check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.
The Way Out (Demon Slaying): REGULATE, INTEGRATE, ACCELERATE
This is a practical framework for breaking the cycle and helping you to overcome your demons by shifting from suppression to a sense of alignment:
1. REGULATE = Stabilise the System
Before you can change your behaviour, you need to develop a nervous system that is not constantly in ‘threat’ mode – this means you can actually feel SAFE to show up in yourself and your life again.
The basics of regulation are that you start learning how to:
- Slow down your internal state
- Breathe consciously
- Reduce overstimulation
- Create basic physiological safety
When the system is dysregulated, everything feels urgent and so the compulsions of your ‘demons’ feels stronger and resisting them feels even harder.
Regulation brings you back into your body and – from there – you regain choice by learning to be present again instead of feeling like you have to force everything.
Even simple practices can help you to become more regulated:
- Slow nasal breathing for 5–10 minutes.
- Cold showers or short physical resets.
- Walking without stimulation.
- Turning off constant digital input.
You’re not trying to become calm forever – you’re just trying to create enough stability to see clearly again (and then the demons disappear because they lose their power).
(The reason you don’t try to become calm forever is that there’s a time and a place for everything and sometimes you need to jump into ‘action’ mode – regulated means you can do both when you need to either rest or get into gear)!
2. INTEGRATE = Feel What You’ve Been Avoiding
Integration is the part most men avoid which is unfortunate because it’s the work that actually dissolves demons more effectively than anything else (because they feed on shame first and foremost).
Integration means:
Feeling what you actually feel without running from it.
Pretty simple, right? Yeah, but for so many men it’s the hardest thing in the world.
If you want to slay your demons, though, then integration is essential because it’s where shame begins to lose its grip:
Shame only survives in an internal atmosphere of resistance and avoidance and so when you turn towards the emotional charge instead of away from it, the intensity rises…then falls.
This isn’t because you ‘fixed’ it but because you allowed it (emotions don’t need ‘fixing’ – they just need feeling so you can let them pass by).
That allowance reconnects you to truth and truth dissolves distortion so you can see your realness instead of your demons.
Practically, this can look like:
- Sitting with discomfort instead of numbing it.
- Naming emotions honestly (“this is shame”, “this is sadness”, “this is anger”, etc.)
- Not acting on the urge immediately and learning to surf it.
- Letting sensations move through the body instead of blocking them with the mind (“emotions are e-motion, energy in motion”).
This is not emotional indulgence – it’s emotional completion (and once the cycle is complete the truth returns and the demons lose their power – this doesn’t mean that your emotions are the truth (they’re not) but you have to feel them to return to truth).
3. ACCELERATE = Move Towards Real Direction
Once the system is regulated and emotions are being integrated, you need direction because – without it – old patterns return and you’ll just end up back at square one.
Acceleration basically means:
- Creating a clear vision for your life.
- Breaking it into goals.
- Breaking goals into habits.
This gives your energy somewhere to go that’s real because it allows you to stay focused instead of getting pulled into compulsion and diabolical places that you’d rather not go.
Demons thrive in unused energy but when energy is directed into something REAL, they lose access to the system.
Ask yourself:
- What kind of man am I becoming?
- What does he do daily?
- What does he stop doing?
- What matters enough to build my life around?
Your answers are the seed of your vision and the death of your demons.
The Final Word: Slaying Your Demons
You don’t overcome demons by fighting them but by becoming more real than the conditions that created them in the first place.
Demons aren’t independent forces – they’re fragments caused by a disconnection from your own wholeness:
When a man returns to truth – via Regulation, Integration, and Acceleration in the form of real action – then the structures that gave the demons their power starts to collapse.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you’re ready to slay your demons and start growing real then book a free coaching session with me and I’ll help you sharpen your sword (metaphorically speaking, of course!).
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