Things That Don’t Matter (And Why We Think They Do)

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Why We Make Things That Don’t Matter Seem More Meaningful Than They Really Are

Recently, I was talking to a younger guy about music…he’s from a younger generation to me, but he’s already disillusioned with the state of modern music and so has discovered a lot of bands that I used to listen to when I was younger.

As I listened to him, I couldn’t help but notice that was buzzing with excitement, telling me how much better these bands were compared to the manufactured noise pumped out today but – at the same time – the more I listened, the more I realised that it wasn’t just about the music:

It was also about how identifying with something ‘different’ to most of the people in his generation gave him a badge of superiority and so his ego had become wrapped up in being associated with this music as some kind of force field for his personality.

Either way, I got involved in the conversation and suggested a few other bands he hadn’t heard of and would probably like but then, afterwards, when I reflected on this exchange, I realised something strange:

I literally just don’t care anymore.

This was notable because back in the day I was exactly like him – identifying with bands, movies, and whatever else could give me a sense of belonging and help me to carve out a place for myself in the world.

Compare that to these days and it barely even registers:

What I once thought really ‘mattered’ actually didn’t matter at all…it was just a complicated way of channelling my emotional ‘stuff’ – the shame and insecurity I hadn’t faced back then – into something that felt like ‘meaning’ and gave me a (temporary) foundation on which to stand myself.

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with this, of course – it’s part of growing up but, in the grand scheme of things, it made no difference to my life whatsoever.

This got me thinking…If the things I thought mattered back then actually didn’t then what about the things I think matter today?

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The things that don't matter are the ones you cling to despite them being unreal.

Things That Don’t Matter: What We’ll Cover in this Article

Why We Make Things That Don’t Matter Seem More Meaningful Than They Really Are
The Aura of Meaning & Things That Don’t Matter
From Wholeness to Fragments
Catching Myself in the Present
The Freedom of Perspective
How to Spot Your Substitutes (and Step Back from Them)
Things That Don’t Matter: The Final Word

The Aura of Meaning & Things That Don’t Matter

When we’re disconnected from our realness – our sense of wholeness and an awareness of the truth about ourselves – we tend to outsource our self-worth:

This essentially means that we look for something “out there” that carries an aura we can feed off – it can literally be anything but common examples are things like bands, fashion, politics, subcultures, or obscure hobbies.

The thing itself isn’t the problem, of course – in fact, many of these things are ‘good’ things…

The problems occur because we tend to treat them as the ‘ultimate’ things which means we end up giving them a weight they don’t deserve and inflating whatever it is until it feels like the centre of the world, even though – in reality – it’s just a projection and what we’re really trying to do is soothe the shame of disconnection.

Often, we gravitate to things that are esoteric or niche because they give us a sense of standing out which helps us to control the gnawing sense of isolation or alienation we feel (“Look at me – I’m special because I know this special thing”).

Underneath, though, it’s just shame in disguise.

From Wholeness to Fragments

Here’s the real issue and something that can change your life if you need it:

When we become obsessed with these things and identify with them, it’s always because we’ve detached from truth at some level.

Truth is wholeness and, when we’re whole, we don’t need substitutes.

Unfortunately, when we lose sight of this, we latch onto fragments like music, movies, careers, identities or anything other fragmented thing that we hope will serve as a substitute for the thing we’re really looking for (a return to wholeness and a dissolution of the void).

What’s interesting is that fragments always fade because they’re always temporary and so their power to give us meaning never lasts:

The band you once lived and breathed loses its edge as you outgrow it mentally or emotionally; the trend you thought defined you becomes yesterday’s joke. Even your career – if you’ve glued your self-worth to it – can leave you stranded if it collapses and you don’t know who you really are away from it all.

What’s whole, though, is always whole, truth doesn’t lose its power, and what’s real is always real.

Catching Myself in the Present

It’s easy to look back and laugh at how seriously I took music or films back in my own younger days but here’s the uncomfortable bit:

I’m probably still doing it right now.

I can sometimes see it in things like my coaching business, my books, even my YouTube channel (which I’ve been slightly obsessed with lately).

Don’t get me wrong, I have real goals for these things in the sense that they matter as an expression of my values and vision but, if I identify with them too much, I fall straight back into the substitution trap and they can easily become less about what I do and more about who I think I am.

And when that happens, I’ve lost perspective again.

The lesson is humbling:

None of these things actually ‘matter’ that much – not in the grand scheme of things anyway.

Not as ends-in-themselves anyway – all they can ever be is what they are:

Stepping stones in the process of growing into wholeness but never wholeness itself.

The Freedom of Perspective

The beauty of getting older – or simply becoming more aware if you wanna put a positive spin on it – is that you start to see through the illusions (including your own bs) and so you can recognise that the things you once pedestalised were just projections of your own inner struggles.

That doesn’t mean they were useless – of course, they had a role in your journey but they weren’t the point of the journey (which is what we treat them as being when we use them as substitutes for the truth).

Really, the lesson is this:

Freedom is what happens when you stop needing the fragment to define you.

You can still enjoy music, love your work, pursue your passions but you don’t outsource your worth to them and so you start to live from the inside out, rather than the outside in.

Dive into my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace if you want to go even deeper into the flow of building a real relationship with yourself and life.

How to Spot Your Substitutes (and Step Back from Them)

So how do you actually apply this in a practical way?

Here are some basic ideas:

1. Look Back Honestly

Think about what you obsessed over when you were younger – bands, sports teams, relationships, ideologies. What did you pedestalise and why?

Ask yourself: What emotional need was I outsourcing to this thing?
If you’re honest, it was probably shame, insecurity, or loneliness.

2. Look Around Right Now

What are you currently treating as the ultimate instead of just a good thing? Your job? Your partner? Your social media profile?

Ask yourself: How might I be using this as a substitute for my own wholeness?
Remember: there’s nothing wrong with passion and drive…the issue is identification.

3. Test the Fragility

Imagine if you lost that thing tomorrow: Would you crumble and collapse or would you still feel whole? That’s the acid test of whether you’re leaning on a substitute too much. If you can’t live without it then there’s some ego over-identification going on.

4. Return to Realness

Bring yourself back to the truth of the matter which is that you are already whole and you don’t need an external fragment to make you ‘enough’.

Simple practices like breathwork, journaling, meditation, or simply naming your feelings honestly can help you to see what’s actually going on inside yourself.
The aim isn’t to deny passions but to hold them lightly by staying in the process and not some mental concept or idea.

5. Enjoy Without Attachment

Music, careers, hobbies – they can all be great and are amazing things that make life more enjoyable but they’re best when enjoyed without making them your identity.

Let them add colour to your life – not define the canvas.

The things that don't matter cause you to crave more of what you don't even need.

Things That Don’t Matter: The Final Word

When you look back, you can see how much energy you once poured into things that didn’t really matter:

This perspective is a gift because it reminds you that, even now, you might be doing the same thing with something else.

That’s not a reason to despair but an invitation to step back and to enjoy life’s beautiful fragments without mistaking them for the whole.

When you stop trying to be made whole by external things, you start to live from your REALNESS and, from there, you finally have the freedom to enjoy life as it is – without the pedestal, without the shame, and without the illusion that anything out there can ever define who you are.

Stay real out there,

Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

P.S. If you’re ready to build a solid foundation of wholeness in your life then book a free coaching call with me and I’ll help you start taking real action right away.

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.

This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

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