by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
How to Get Your Head Straight When You Keep Going Around in Circles
Have you ever felt like your mind is running around in circles and there’s no way out – like you’re stuck on a kind of mental merry-go-round?
Maybe you’re overthinking a situation; maybe you’re worried about something; maybe you feel like something’s ‘wrong’ but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is; maybe you’re just dealing with uncertainty and desperately trying to find answers that simply aren’t available yet (if ever at all).
Whatever the reason, you can’t seem to switch off and so you go to bed thinking about it, wake up thinking about it, and replay conversations, imagine future scenarios, analyse every possibility, and somehow end up further away from clarity than when you first started.
If you’re stuck on the merry-go-round like this and don’t know how to get off, then this article is for you:
The ‘good’ news is that the solution is usually much simpler than most people realise – the only potential complication is that it’s probably the exact opposite of what you’ve been trying to do.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
How to Get Your Head Straight: What We'll Cover In This Article
- How to Get Your Head Straight When You Keep Going Around in Circles
- The Real Reason You Can’t Think Straight
- You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Feeling
- Case Study #1: The Weird Boss
- Case Study #2: The Suspicious Partner
- Case Study #3: Waiting for Medical Results
- The First Step: Get Into Your Body
- Acceptance Creates Alignment
- The Second Step: Regulate
- The Third Step: Integrate
- Becoming Comfortable with Not Knowing
- Get Your Head Straight: The Final Word
The Real Reason You Can’t Think Straight
Most people assume that if they’re feeling confused, overwhelmed, or uncertain, then it’s a sign that they need to think harder in some way and so they analyse more, research more, plan more, and put as much mental effort as possible into trying to overcome whatever it is they’re dealing with.
The problem with this, though, is that – in most cases – confusion isn’t caused by a lack of thinking:
It’s actually caused by a conflict between the mind and the body because your mind is pulling you in one direction and your body is pulling you in another.
Until you find a way to resolve this tension then you’ll continue to feel stuck and will never be able to get off of that mental merry-go-round:
This is why so many people spend hours, days, weeks, or even years trying to “figure things out” without ever reaching a satisfying conclusion – it’s because they’re trying to solve a problem of feeling with thinking and that’s a battle you’ll literally never win.
You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Feeling
One of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to override what their body is telling them – for example:
Something feels off or something something doesn’t sit right -> Fear shows up -> Anxiety appears -> A knot forms in the stomach -> The chest tightens up -> The throat dries up
This is just a random example so the symptoms might be different in your particular case but what usually happens once these symptoms show up is that the mind immediately gets to work trying to explain it away because RESISTANCE seems easier than ACCEPTANCE in the moment.
To lean into this state of resistance, we’ll tell ourselves all kinds of things to block the flow of emotion (“emotions are e-motion, energy in motion”):
- “Don’t be ridiculous”.
- “Everything is fine”.
- “You’re overreacting”.
- “Stop being paranoid”.
- Etc. etc. etc.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that because whether your body’s response is factually accurate or not is almost irrelevant in the beginning because you can’t think your way out of feeling:
You can only feel it to heal it (which means that you have to feel whatever you’re feeling so it can either be released or integrated).
That’s just a law of life and a reminder that the more you resist a feeling, the more power it tends to gain over you which just means that the more you try to suppress it, argue with it, or resist it, the louder it becomes.
Let’s look at a few examples so you can see what I mean:
Case Study #1: The Weird Boss
Imagine, one day at work, your boss starts acting differently:
Perhaps they’re quieter than usual, maybe they’re avoiding eye contact, or perhaps they’re suddenly scheduling meetings without explanation – either way, you have no idea what’s going on and, objectively speaking, there could be dozens of explanations:
- Maybe they’re stressed.
- Maybe something is happening at home.
- Maybe they’re dealing with pressure from senior management.
- Maybe they’ve got food poisoning.
- Maybe [anything]
The fact is that you simply DON’T don’t know but that doesn’t stop your body from beginning to react as your nervous system starts to worry that there’s some kind of ‘threat’ about to come your way:
Fear starts creeping in, your stomach tightens, your heart rate increases, and your mind instantly jumps into creating all kinds of stories to support these emotions (“I’m getting fired”, “They’ve found someone better”, “I’m in trouble”, or “They’ve lost confidence in me”, etc.).
You spend the next three days running simulations in your head even though none of them solve anything (in fact, you probably just feel worse).
Case Study #2: The Suspicious Partner
Or maybe your partner doesn’t answer their phone, perhaps they disappear for a few hours, or maybe they’re acting differently in a way that you can’t quite put your finger on.
Again, our old friend uncertainty appears and so your body begins to react (which is always beyond your conscious control) and an uncomfortable sensation of ‘offness’ starts moving through you:
A heaviness in the chest, a knotted stomach, a sinking feeling, and – again – your mind instantly jumps into action and tells you to not feel what you’re starting to feel:
- “Don’t be paranoid”.
- “You’re being insecure”.
- “Everything is probably fine”.
- Etc. etc. etc.
That would be great if it worked but, despite telling yourself these things repeatedly, you keep thinking about it all anyway… .
Why?
Because the feeling hasn’t gone anywhere and you’ve simply tried to think your way out of it instead of feeling your way through it.
Case Study #3: Waiting for Medical Results
A final example – perhaps you’ve had a blood test and now you’ve started the endless waiting for the results:
Anyone who has ever waited for medical results knows how quickly the imagination can become creative and start leaping to the worst-case scenario and that’s exactly what happens as a sensation of fear appears in the body and the mind immediately starts its (now familiar) campaign:
- “Everything will be fine”.
- “Stop worrying”.
- “Don’t be silly”.
Again, though, despite you’re best efforts to think your way out of it you somehow you still feel worried because of the simple fact that your body is experiencing fear and your mind is trying to argue with fear.
That won’t work because fear doesn’t respond to arguments – it only responds to acceptance.
The First Step: Get Into Your Body
If you want to get your head straight, then, the key is to stop trying to straighten your head first and to start with your body instead.
(This might sound a bit backwards but it’s actually the fastest route back to clarity).
Here’s how you can get started doing this:
When uncertainty appears, ask yourself “What am I physically feeling right now?” and forget about whatever story you’re telling yourself about what might happen tomorrow (or whenever) or what somebody else is thinking.
All you need to know is the answer to one question: What are you actually feeling?
It could be anything but the most common types of things that show up are:
- Tightness in your chest.
- Tension in your stomach.
- A racing heart.
- A dry throat.
- Heat in your face.
- Restlessness in your limbs.
Drop the stories, interpretations, and narratives – which only exist at the level of the mind – around these things and simply stay with the physical sensation itself:
- The fear about your boss is ultimately a bodily experience.
- The uncomfortable feeling about your partner is ultimately a bodily experience.
- The anxiety about your blood test is ultimately a bodily experience.
- The [emotion] about your [situation] is ultimately a bodily experience.
Until you’re willing to feel those sensations directly, your thoughts will remain disconnected from reality and you’ll be trapped on that mental merry-go-round with no way off (in fact, it will probably just speed up).
Acceptance Creates Alignment
Most people think acceptance means agreeing with something but it really doesn’t – it simply means acknowledging what’s already happening so you can make a CHOICE about what to ‘do’ with it.
It’s pretty simple, really (though not always easy):
- If fear is present, accept that fear is present.
- If anxiety is present, accept that anxiety is present.
- If uncertainty is present, accept that uncertainty is present.
The moment you stop fighting your experience, the tension between mind and body starts to soften and your energy is no longer being wasted on resisting yourself and so, instead of fighting reality, you’re now standing on it.
This creates the foundation for clarity – not because your problems have disappeared but because you’re no longer adding a second layer of unnecessary suffering through resistance.
The Second Step: Regulate
Once you’ve stopped fighting the feeling, the next step is regulation – regulation means helping your nervous system return to balance.
This is really important because, when we’re dysregulated, uncertainty feels like a threat and so everything becomes urgent, feels ‘dangerous’ and demands an immediate answer (even when there isn’t one).
When we’re regulated, uncertainty becomes something we can embrace much more easily because we no longer need to know everything right now and so we can breathe, ride the period of uncertainty out, and learn to respond instead of react.
Some simple ways to regulate that are time-tested and work for most of us:
- Slow breathing (especially through the nose).
- Going for a walk.
- Gentle exercise (cardio etc).
- Spending time in nature.
- Meditation.
- Yoga (yin yoga is great).
- Taking a break from screens.
- Talking in a real way with somebody you trust.
The goal isn’t to make uncertainty disappear because uncertainty is just part of life (which is why we need to trust) but the goal is to create enough safety within yourself that uncertainty no longer controls you or sends you spiralling on that merry-go-round.
The Third Step: Integrate
Once you’ve regulated your nervous system, you can start looking at what you’re actually projecting into the uncertainty:
This is important because:
Uncertainty itself is usually neutral – it’s what we project onto it that create suffering.
The boss example above isn’t painful because you know you’re getting fired – it’s painful because you don’t know and the uncertainty has become a blank screen for your fear and shame to be projected on it.
The partner example works the same way:
You don’t know where they are and so the uncertainty becomes a blank screen for shame and insecurity (really, the same thing) to be projected onto and now the story becomes “I’m not enough“, “They’re betraying me“, or “They’ve found someone better” when – for all you know – they could be out buying you a present or something.
The blood test example is identical: You don’t know the results. Fear gets projected into the unknown. Suddenly you’ve convinced yourself that disaster is inevitable.
This is why perception is projection – we don’t simply see reality: we often see our own unresolved emotions reflected back at us.
If you want to go deeper into the flow of being real then check out my book Trust: A Manual in Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace.
Becoming Comfortable with Not Knowing
One of the greatest signs of emotional maturity is becoming comfortable with uncertainty – not because uncertainty feels pleasant in itself but because uncertainty is unavoidable so if you wanna be REAL, you need to accept it.
Life is uncertain, relationships are uncertain, health is uncertain, business is uncertain, the future is uncertain (and the end is always near!) so the person who constantly demands certainty will constantly suffer.
The person who learns to remain grounded in uncertainty gains access to a much deeper sense of real peace:
This doesn’t mean becoming passive or ignoring the reality of your problems and just pretending everything is fine – it means learning to remain present with reality instead of escaping into stories.
Get Your Head Straight: The Final Word
Most people try to think their way back to clarity but the the truth is that clarity usually arrives when we stop fighting ourselves and reality.
We can do this by learning to stop resisting what we’re feeling, by allowing the body to communicate what it’s communicating, regulating the nervous system, and examining the projections we’re placing into uncertainty.
Ultimately, it’s about becoming willing to NOT know everything – paradoxically, that’s when the mind begins to straighten itself out because you’ve removed the inner conflict that was distorting your perception in the first place.
The next time you find yourself stuck in a mental loop, remember this, then:
- Don’t start with your thoughts but start with your body, feel what you’re feeling, and accept what’s actually there.
- Integrate the emotions you’re projecting into uncertainty and then allow reality to reveal itself rather than trying to force an answer.
Real clarity doesn’t come from thinking harder but from becoming present enough to stop arguing with reality because when you do that, your head tends to straighten itself out naturally anyway.
Stay real out there,
P.S. If you could benefit from some help in straightening your own head out then book a free coaching call with me and I’ll help you move forward in a real way.
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