This is quick post about what to expect when you start to step up and change your life.  It’s about the common roadblocks that you’ll probably face and what you can DO about them in order to ensure that they don’t hold you back (or, even worse, turn you off making the changes you want).

I worked with enough people over the years to notice that there are common patterns and problems that you’ll have to deal with when you’re on this journey and – just like anything in life – it’s never as simple or easy as it first seems (which is always a good thing, actually, as it helps you to grow more real more deeply).

As always “knowledge is power” (if you actually use it) and gaining an awareness and acceptance of these challenges will help you be better equipped to deal with them via continuous, focused action.

One thing that you can do to make life ‘easier’ for yourself is to expect these roadblocks or stages on your own path and not to feel ‘bad’ or to take them personally when you meet them – it’s never a personal thing at all: it’s just human beings being human beings and trying to cling to what they already know.

There are a few levels to this but they ultimately unfold in a fairly ‘logical’ sequence when you step back and look at things. As always, it all starts with your relationship with your SELF and then unpacks itself outwards from there.

If you didn’t have this roadblock ‘map’ then you might think it was just a simple case of deciding that you want to change your life then going out there and doing it (wouldn’t that be nice?).

Unfortunately, because we share the world with other people and their EGOs things almost always become more complicated than they need to be (and when you add our relationship with our OWN ego to the mix things get even more complicated).

The ‘good’ news is that because most of these roadblocks are just EGO ‘stuff’ then they’re not real and so you can train yourself to ignore them and go out there and keep doing your thing and growing real.

You will hopefully recognise yourself in some of these stages and be able to figure out where you are and where you’re going.

Here we go:

Stage 1: The relationship with SELF

I’ve written about this a lot in my books and on this site already but it’s worth repeating here so you know what to expect.

The first stage of changing your life is waking up to an UNREAL relationship with yourself that’s holding you back from the life that you really want to be living.

It ultimately unfolds itself through a three step process: Awareness, Acceptance, & Action.

No matter who you are or what kind of transformation you’re trying to make in your life, this applies to all of us.

It essentially goes like this:

Awareness

In the very early stages you start to become AWARE of the fact that your life needs changing in some way.

How this happens and what it looks like can be different for everybody but in general you’ll be aware of a feeling of dissatisfaction and a RESTLESSNESS that permeates everything you do.

Maybe your job isn’t as exciting as you thought it would be when you were younger or you relationships feel EMPTY; maybe you can’t sleep at night because you’re constantly thinking about things that aren’t good enough or that are missing.

Many people live like this for YEARS – because society has conditioned them to believe that this is how life is supposed to be and that we’re just supposed to do what we’re told and get what we’re given.

As time passes, people will become more and more aware of what they DON’T want (a certain kind of job, certain kind of relationships, etc.) and this will eventually get so bad that they need to shift into start asking themselves what they DO want.

This is when we tend to start asking some of the difficult questions about life:

“What do I want to do before I DIE?”

“What do I really VALUE?”

“Who is the REAL ME”?

Etc.

Again, these questions will be different for all of us but the basic function of them is to raise our awareness about what we actually want from life instead of what we don’t want (which we currently have in these early stages).

Acceptance

Normally, the weight of living an UNREAL or inauthentic life will get too much to bear and people reach some kind of ‘crunch’ point.

In this crunch point they realise that the version of themselves they’ve been living as is unreal and is actually just a product of their conditioning and the beliefs they’ve picked up that life is something that just happens (not what they MAKE HAPPEN).

When the levels of AWARENESS get high enough or when things get ‘bad’ enough, people will go into this next stage of ACCEPTANCE.

It’s here where they find themselves on a TURNING POINT and decide that enough is enough.

Maybe they’re sick of being a certain version of themselves (being a people-pleaser, for example) or maybe they’re sick of not knowing their true potential or just being told what to do all the time.

Whatever it is, they eventually get to a stage where they have enough awareness about the gap between how things are and how they actually want them to be and they have also accepted that they actually need to DO something about it.

This is when people actually start to make CHANGES in their lives instead of just going through the motions – they accept that they want to BECOME a different version of themselves with a different lifestyle.

They have accepted their vision for the future more than what they have in the present and the make a COMMITMENT to going out there and getting it.

Action

This is when people actually start taking ACTION – this normally is broken down into creating a VISION, breaking it down into GOALS, and then creating DAILY HABITS to support momentum towards making it happen.

Because there is an inner battle between the ‘Old’ self and the ‘Real’ self that is trying to emerge there will be a few false starts and relapses into old ways of being but in general – if the person is motivated enough – then they’ll keep chipping away at it and getting the results they want.

Success here really depends on how addicted the person is to their old IDENTITY and the lifestyle that they built with it – if they have a growth mindset then and a relatively healthy relationship with their own underlying emotional ‘stuff’ (shame, guilt, and/or trauma) then it should be relatively straightforward.

If they have more of this emotional ‘stuff’ then they can still make changes but it will be harder.

Stage 2: The WORLD gets involved:

This is where things start to get complicated because other people become involved.

What a lot of people don’t realise when they start changing their lives is that we’re all connected and so your change will affect the people close to you as well  (even though it doesn’t really need to).

The short version of this is that other people have got used to you being a certain ‘Old’ version of yourself and their relationship with themselves will be ‘threatened’ by your transformation (because their ego is dependent on you playing a certain ROLE).

Of course, some people will support you (the REAL ONES) so they won’t become roadblocks.

Those who don’t support you will throw the following obstacles in your path, though:

They’ll tell you you’re crazy

The first thing they’ll do is try to minimise your likelihood of success by telling you that you’re crazy.  Alternatively, they might tell you that you’re being unrealistic, that you’re deluding yourself, or that the odds of you succeeding to do whatever you’re trying to do are minimal.

All you need to know here is that these people aren’t actually talking about YOU but are telling you (unconsciously) about how they see themselves.

Probably, there is some dream or change that they have neglected in their own lives and they’re trying to HIDE from it.

They don’t want you getting started with your dreams because it will remind them that they could actually be achieving theirs (which they have emotional and/or ego resistance to actually doing).

The solution is to IGNORE them and keep going anyway.

They’ll tell you it won’t last or you just got lucky (etc.)

Eventually, you’ll start building some momentum and getting RESULTS – maybe you’ll lose some weight, maybe you’ll start getting clients in your business, or making progress on that book (or whatever else you’re doing).

In these early stages, though, people that want you to doubt yourself will know that you’re still pretty early on and will believe that they can make you DOUBT yourself.

They’ll essentially try and minimise the significance of the results that you have got because they don’t want you to believe that you can keep getting these results REPEATEDLY.

They’ll say you just got lucky or that things like “the first few pounds are always the easiest” (etc.).

Essentially, they want your results to not seem that special so they can keep telling themselves the BS story about themselves not needing to make changes in their own life.

Again, the solution here is to IGNORE them and to keep doing what you’re doing (because it’s obviously working no matter what they say).

They’ll try and make you feel guilty or to test your confidence in yourself

When you push through and KEEP getting results, your self-belief will increase and you’ll start to feel GREAT about yourself (as you should after all the hard work you’ve been doing).

At this stage, your DOUBTERS will know that they can’t make you doubt the results because you get them too frequently – their strategy now will turn to making you doubt YOURSELF.

If you still have a lot of unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ at this stage then you’ll be more likely to listen to them.

The short-version is that they’ll say things like:

“Who do you think you are?”

“You think you’re special/better/whatever”

“You’ve changed”.

Etc.

These are all variations on the same theme which is that they want to make you feel GUILTY and they want to use that guilt so you’ll go back to the ‘Old’ version of you.

This isn’t actually because they love the old version or anything like that but because they could CONTROL the old version and it didn’t make them feel threatened by triggering their own denial of the real version of themselves (which they’re not ACTING on).

The solution is to remember that guilt is a useless emotion that is only ever used by external sources to try and control you in some way.

You have done nothing wrong so keep going and let these miserable people get on with their miserable lives.

They can’t say anything because you’ve actually done it – at this stage they’ll either wake up and change their own lives or they’ll leave yours.

If you keep pushing through and doing your thing then eventually it becomes clear – even to Doubters – that you’re not going to waver.

You will reach your goal – whatever it was – and will have grown into the person you needed to BECOME to do so.

At this stage, the doubters won’t be able to say anything (though they might try initially because of the anger the feel etc.)

If you’re lucky, they might see you as an inspiration and WAKE UP to their own power to change their lives and get things done.

If not, then you’re only option now is to WALK AWAY and to let them walk their own path whilst you keep walking yours.  There is no point clinging to fake or unreal relationships at this stage – you’re more REAL than you once were and you can bring in REAL relationships as a result of your transformation.

Go smash the next big goal!

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Understand the game to win the game.

This is a quick post about the game of life and how you can increase your odds of ‘winning’ it.

Even though it’s a quick post it’s going to help you understand a few really important things:

1. What it actually means to ‘win’ life in this context.
2. The type of cards you have at your disposal in the ‘game’.
3. How you can best play these cards in order to increase your odds of getting where you want to be in life.

Here we go:

What it really means to ‘win’ or be successful in the game of life.

There are literally millions (if not more) of quotes already online about what the true meaning of ‘success’ is – most will agree that it’s not just about having a certain number in your bank account or driving a Lamborghini but about something deeper (though money and Lamborghinis can definitely DENOTE success).

For the sake of simplicity here we can say that ‘success’ just means that you’re living in a way that’s aligned with a vision that you CHOSE YOURSELF around your true values and intentions and that nobody is making you do things that you don’t really want to do or can’t tolerate (because they serve this wider vision).

This vision will be different for everybody – hence ‘success’ or ‘winning’ ultimately being subjective – but in this context the way that you win the game is that you find a way to keep growing real, make the majority of your own decisions about your life, and that you feel you’re actually spending the majority of your TIME (the most valuable thing you have) doing something that you either enjoy or that is meaningful to you because it moves you in the direction you CHOOSE your life to be going in.

Here’s what this all looks like:

It’s probably easier to understand if you look at this by comparing winning and losing in these terms:

Vision: When you’re winning, your life is either about moving towards or enjoying whatever vision you have for yourself; when you’re losing, then most of your time, energy, and attention is spent in the service of somebody else’s vision at the cost of not feeling that alive or enjoying life.

Values: When you’re winning, your life is an extension of your values (‘truth’, ‘freedom’, ‘creativity’, whatever is relevant to you); when you’re losing, you find yourself in a VACUUM where the world is not a reflection of your values at all (probably the opposite of your human values the more your loss of the ‘game’ snowballs).

Intentions: When you’re winning you CHOOSE what to do so you can act in alignment with your intentions; when you’re losing, then your intentions don’t matter because you end up being TOLD what to do.

The short-version is just that ‘winning’ means you’re living YOUR life instead of somebody else’s.

The three types of ‘cards’ in life and how to win.

There are three types of cards that pop up in life as we try to move towards ‘winning’ (living our own life by CHOOSING to align ourselves with our real vision, values, and intentions):

Deterministic Cards: Which are cards you have been dealt by life and can’t change.

Psychological Cards: Which are cards that are a product of your current mindset. These cards can be changed – or at least upgraded – as you learn to align your mindset with REALITY.

Social Cards: These are the cards that are played against you by the WORLD – in other words, you might have an idea about how you want to play your cards as a whole but society might have other plans.

Here’s a bit more of an explanation of each type:

Deterministic Cards

The Deterministic Cards are the ones that you’ve been dealt by life whether you like it or not. Some of these cards are dealt to you from birth and are just the things about your life that you can’t change because they’re INEVITABLE.

Some of these cards are dealt to ALL of us (which at least makes the game fair) – for example, the fact that we’re all gonna be DEAD one day, that we can’t control everything, that we will sometimes make mistakes, etc.

Other Deterministic Cards might be specific to you and you alone – an illness that you were born with, certain trials and tribulations that you may face as you’re growing up, your parents, the place you were born in and your economic circumstances.

Either way, the majority of these cards come down to our BIOLOGY and the laws of PHYSICS which are always beyond our control –  ultimately, they’re just part of the mechanical, deterministic process of how nature and life operate at the most fundamental level.

These cards are essentially just the “IT IS WHAT IT IS” ones that are completely out of your control due to the randomness of life shuffling the deck before you even came into existence.

Other Deterministic Cards will be dealt to you as you go through life and there’s nothing you can do about them: maybe you’ll lose your job, you’ll get sick, somebody you care about will pass away, etc. – none of these things are ‘personal’ but they will be dealt to you as you keep playing the game and trying to ‘Win’.

How to ‘play’ to win: To make the most of your Deterministic Cards you need to work towards ACCEPTING them.

Only through acceptance can you prevent yourself from causing unnecessary problems for yourself that distract you from the game itself.

Once you’ve accepted, you will realise that – even though these cards can’t be changed – each one of them contains both a LESSON and an OPPORTUNITY that will allow you to move towards your personal vision and ‘winning’ the game.

To make the most of these cards you need to take yourself through that process: Accept what you’ve been dealt, look for the lesson and opportunity, and then move towards your vision in a stronger position because of this.

Anything other than acceptance will cause you to LOSE the game because it will take you out of reality and that always creates friction, frustration, and then misery.

Psychological Cards

The Psychological Cards change as you look at them.  Ultimately, they are the ‘cards’ you’ve acquired as a result of your ATTITUDE towards life and your own relationship with yourself, the world, and reality.

The caveat with these cards is that you can’t play them until you’re ready and you’re only ready when your mindset is aligned with reality itself.

Ultimately, your mindset will affect whether or not you are able to ACCEPT your Deterministic Cards and then what you CHOOSE to do with them.

If you have an unreal mindset then you will not be able to see the lessons and opportunities that are available to you because of the cards you’ve been dealt – nor will you be able to be ACTIVE in your approach to life and moving towards your vision.

You can ‘pick up’ a new Psychological Card any time you push yourself through your comfort zone and test your assumptions about yourself, the world, and reality by taking ACTION.

When you do this you acquire new ‘Insight’ which allows you to get a better understanding of life and what’s possible within it – this insight unlocks your real self from any unreal or limiting beliefs that might have been holding you back from your vision and all of the amazing things that are possible for you.

The short-version here is that if you have a GROWTH MINDSET then you will continue to pick up new Psychological Cards that make it easier to see a way forward, make real choices, and win the game.

If you have a STATIC or PASSIVE mindset then you will be unable to see a way forward and will increase your odds of losing the game.

How to ‘play’ to win: Playing to win here means understanding that the cards you hold at the level of your own psychology are often FLUID and so you can increase your odds of winning the game by learning to change these cards.

Ultimately, you do this in a way where you understand that you can live your life to keep learning and growing and that by doing this you will acquire new insight, become stronger in yourself, and be able to make BETTER CHOICES about your Deterministic Cards and whatever else arises on your way to realising your vision (including the limits society tries to impose on you – see below).

Social Cards

Finally, there are the Social Cards – in the context of the game these are the cards that tell you what you’re ‘allowed’ to do or what you ‘should’ do with the ones you already have.

Like the Deterministic Cards, these can pop up at any time as you go through the game – however, unlike the Deterministic Cards, the social ones are often not something that are inevitable or inescapable as part of reality itself.

In many cases, the Social Cards are actually presenting ILLUSORY BARRIERS that inexperienced players will see as actual barriers to their progress.

For example, maybe you’ve been dealt the Deterministic Cards of being born a certain sex but Social Cards are dealt in your community (or whatever) that say that your desire to move towards your vision in a certain way (because of your Psychological Cards and the CHOICES you’ve made) is not ‘allowed’, ‘appropriate’, or something that you ‘should’ do as a man/woman/whatever.

If you have a weak mindset (because you haven’t picked up enough Psychological Cards that benefit you) then this Social Card and the associated ‘social pressure’ will stop you from doing what you actually WANT to do with your other cards and prevent you from winning the game.

How to ‘play’ to win: Social Cards will be dropped on you by all kinds of external sources as you move towards your vision (and one reason the game is hard because some of these cards will be dealt by people close to you or that you care about).

The way that you ‘win’ against these cards is by testing them to see if they’re actually presenting obstacles that are REAL (i.e. Deterministic and so you can only ACCEPT them) or if they’re just something that people in your world want you to believe are real so that they can win the game and you can lose.

Distinguishing the validity/power of the Social Cards is easier as you work on your own mindset and acquire more Psychological Cards.

Conclusion: Play To Win

Now that you understand the different cards you’ll be dealt by life (and the other people you’re sharing it with) you should be better equipped to stay real and move on your own terms.

 

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