by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
You Can’t ‘Fix’ People – But You Can Grow REAL
One of the hardest lessons to learn in this wonderful life is that you can’t change people (which also means that people can’t change you either):
No matter how much your might try or how much you might like to, you can’t ‘fix’ somebody’s personality defects, reshape their minds, or make them see reality in exactly the same way that you do.
This is because people change and transform from the inside-out, not from the outside-in:
No amount of ‘logic’ (or what seems logical to you, at least), persuasion, or even love will work unless they’re ready – unless something within them cracks open and allows truth to seep in from the inside-out.
To make things even more complicated and infuriating, the more you try to fix someone, the more they resist and cling to the things that you want to ‘change’ in the first place.
Human beings are funny old creatures but it’s just the way that things go (humans are gonna human, after all):
If you’ve ever tried (but no doubt failed) to help a stubborn friend, a ‘toxic’ family member, or a self-sabotaging partner, you’ll know exactly what this means – instead of hearing your ‘wisdom’ (you might be wrong, of course) and taking it on board, they double down on their flaws; they hold on even tighter to the very things that are holding them back, as if protecting some fragile part of themselves that isn’t yet ready to dissolve (i.e. the Ego).
So what does that leave us with? How do we deal with the difficult, stubborn, or destructive people in our lives?
The answer is simpler than you might think: acceptance – but not the weak, passive kind: this is about Deep Acceptance – the kind that allows you to keep flowing instead of forcing and to stay real instead of getting caught up in the unreal and lost to your own ego ‘stuff’.
Let’s break it down and dig a little deeper:
The Illusion of ‘Fixing’ Others
There’s a deep-seated belief that if we care enough, try hard enough, or say the ‘right’ things, then we can somehow save people from themselves.
Unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), real transformation doesn’t work like that.
Think about the biggest changes you’ve ever made in your own life:
Did changes take place because someone nagged, guilt-tripped, or pressured you into them? Or did they happen because something inside of you ‘clicked‘ – a realisation, a moment of deep truth, a rock-bottom experience that forced you to wake up and become more AWARE in some way (so you could then go more deeply into Acceptance and then Action)?
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For change to be real and lasting, it has to come from within and, so, until someone is ready to face themselves, no amount of external force or pressure will make any difference whatsoever – if anything, it will just push them further into their defences, reinforcing their current state instead of dissolving it and making whatever ‘problems’ you perceive way worse.
That’s why trying to change people is not only exhausting but counterproductive – it creates resistance instead of transformation and just takes everybody involved in the change process further and further away from their own REAL path and sense of timing.
The Sacred Mantra: Everyone is F’d Up—Love Them Anyway
So, this all being the case, what are we supposed to do with the troublesome or ‘difficult’ people in our lives? How do we help people to change – if they’re genuinely ready to do so – without losing ourselves in frustration, resentment, or endless battles at the same time?
The answer is found in a simple yet powerful lesson I’ve shared before:
EVERYBODY IS F’D UP BUT LEARN TO LOVE THEM ANYWAY (INCLUDING OURSELVES) .
This doesn’t mean you excuse bad behaviour or tolerate mistreatment; it doesn’t mean you lower your standards or accept things that go against your values. What it does mean is that you stop wasting energy trying to force change where it isn’t ready to happen and, instead, focus on your own growth and the things that you can actually control.
Ultimately, this comes down to letting go – not in a way that makes you passive, but in a way that makes you free and helps you find the strength of your own REALNESS.
Acceptance vs. Endurance
“Acceptance” doesn’t mean being a doormat and having the world and its ‘difficult’ people walk all over you – nor is it about tolerating toxic behaviour or letting people take advantage of you or disrespect you.
It simply means recognising reality for what it is and accepting some of the things that mean it is what it is:
- Some people will never change and that’s not your problem.
- Some people will grow but only when they are ready (and some people never will be, depending on how much ego ‘stuff’ they have going on).
- Your job is not to ‘fix’ anyone – it’s to be real and to let others walk their own path whilst you walk yours.
There’s a huge difference between acceptance and endurance (and extreme version of tolerance):
- Endurance is gritting your teeth and suffering through something because you feel you have no choice (when you always have a choice).
- Acceptance is seeing things as they are and making a conscious decision about how to move forward with what’s actually there.
If someone in your life is toxic or harmful, you don’t have to endure them – you can walk away; you can set boundaries; you can protect your peace.
But you don’t have to waste time and energy trying to force them to be different than they are or to ‘fix’ the qualities that are testing you in the first place..
Let them be who they are and allow yourself to be who you are.
Flowing Instead of Forcing
When you accept people as they are – without trying to control them, change them, or ‘fix’ them – something powerful happens:
You stop resisting reality and start to ACCEPT it (acceptance is the opposite of resistance).
When this happens, you start FLOWING:
Instead of getting tangled up in the drama of other people’s dysfunctions and defects, you actually move forward with your own life; instead of exhausting yourself trying to ‘help’ people who don’t want to be helped, you channel your energy into your own growth and your own realness.
This is how you grow real instead of getting caught up in the unreal and getting lost to the Void and those “lives of quiet desperation” (as Thoreau called them).
Practical Steps: How to Integrate Deep Acceptance into Your Life
Here are some key ways to live and breathe the kind of Deep Acceptance we’re talking about:
1. Stop Trying to ‘Rescue‘ People
Recognise when your desire to help is actually a desire to control and is, therefore, linked to your own ego ‘stuff’ (and not reality). If someone isn’t open to change, let them be (even if that means you might have to walk away for at least a while).
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Deep Acceptance doesn’t mean allowing people to mistreat you. It means setting firm, healthy boundaries and sticking to them to protect your own peace.
3. Focus on Your Own Growth
Every time you feel the urge to ‘fix’ someone, turn that energy inward and see if there’s some Shadow Self ‘stuff’ going on: What parts of yourself still need healing? What areas of your life could benefit from deeper self-awareness? How might you be projecting and what does this tell you about your own journey?
4. Love People Where They Are
Not where you wish they’d be…. Love them as they are, while maintaining your own integrity and living with your own values, goals, and principles.
5. Let Go of the Need for ‘Closure‘
Some people will never give you an apology or the answers that your ego might feel you ‘need’ to be able to move forward. The brutal truth is that some people will never change and there’s nothing you can do about it because some of us are just ‘stuck’ in certain (unreal) patterns our whole lives long. Make peace with that and move on – it is what it is.
6. Choose Flow Over Force
Instead of fighting reality – which is impossible – flow with it. Work with what is, rather than what you wish was and build with that foundation of DEEP ACCEPTANCE instead of resistance (you can only build on a solid foundation, anyway, and the most solid foundation is REALITY).
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, the only person you can change is yourself.
The more you focus on ‘fixing’ others, the more you disconnect from your own growth.
When you shift your attention inward and stop trying to control what isn’t yours to control you become lighter, freer, and more real.
Stay real out there,
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