by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
Beyond Black and White: Embracing the Shades of Grey Within Ourselves and Life
Humans are gonna human and so we like to think we know who we ‘are’ and construct narratives, attach labels, and categorise everything into tidy little boxes like ‘good’ or ‘bad, ‘right‘ or ‘wrong‘ and ‘success‘ or ‘failure‘
This is a nice way to feel a sense of control in our lives but – the truth is – reality doesn’t work that way because the world isn’t made of rigid absolutes – instead, it’s an ever-shifting, ever-changing flux of different shades of grey.
What this basically means that if we want to live in a REAL way then we need to learn to see beyond black-and-white thinking and embrace the complexity of both ourselves and existence itself.
This applies to every single one of us – including YOU:
To your personality, your struggles, your growth. You are not just one ‘thing’ that makes perfect ‘sense’ all the time but a living contradiction, a paradox, a spectrum of seemingly opposing forces that coexist within the same being.
You need to know this because REAL growth doesn’t come from cutting yourself into neat, digestible fragments but from integrating your wholeness – from learning to accept, navigate, and work with all the different ‘parts’ of yourself (some of which may hide in the Shadow Territory) instead of forcing yourself into an illusion of simplicity and separation from the TRUTH (that’s just ego).
Let’s take a deeper dive:
The Problem with Black-and-White Thinking
Black-and-white thinking is a defence mechanism that simplifies reality so that we don’t have to confront its messiness. It allows us to judge ourselves and others quickly – without having to sit in the discomfort of complexity (which is often a threat to the ‘simplicity’ that comes through filtering everything through the familiarity of our own ego ‘stuff’).
We do this in all areas of life and for many of us it’s just our ‘default’ way of thinking, feeling, and being in life.
For example:
- Relationships – We tend to label people as either ‘good’ or ‘toxic’ when, in reality, they are flawed and evolving, just like us.
- Personal growth – We see ourselves as either ‘successful’ or ‘failing’ instead of understanding that REAL growth happens in seasons, always has setbacks, and unfolds in spirals – not straight lines (even if you take yourself through the transformational process of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action – see my free guide here: Ego | Shadow | Trust: Build Flow & Become Unstuck).
- Morality – We label actions as purely ‘right’ or purely ‘wrong‘, ignoring that context, intention, and perspective always play a role and a lot of the time our moral standards have nothing to do with ‘morality’ and everything to do with our own subjective interpretations.
Black-and-white thinking – boxing everything of neatly into either/or categories – is comfortable because it gives us a sense of control and prevents little to no threat to our ego (the identity we’ve created to keep uncomfortable truth at bay). It prevents us from having to wrestle with ambiguity.
That would be great if it wasn’t for the fact that real life isn’t comfortable and is instead dynamic, shifting, and full of contradictions.
To grow real, we have to stop seeing things in binary terms and see things as they are not as we need them to be.
Perception Exists in a Spectrum
In our experience of life as fragmented creatures in fragmented bodies on a fragmented planet then nothing is ever 100% ‘good’ or 100% ‘bad’.
If this were the case, life would be much simpler – but it would probably be very boring and definitely wouldn’t be real. Even history’s most infamous figures, like – dare I say Hitler, were not completely devoid of humanity (though he may have found it hard to get in touch with his humanity). This definitely doesn’t excuse their actions, but it reveals an important truth:
Everything contains the seeds of its opposite.
This applies to me and to you too:
You may be generous but there are moments when you act selfishly.
You may be disciplined but there are days when you procrastinate.
You may be kind but you’ve had moments of cruelty.
You may be a ‘good’ person overall but there are still ‘bad’ things that you’ve done (and vice versa for the ‘bad’ people overall like Adolf mentioned above).
Do these ‘seeds’ of opposition to your default way of being make you a bad person? No. They make you REAL.
This is why labelling ourselves (or others) too rigidly is a mistake that takes us away from our REAL LIVES:
When we say things like “I’m just an anxious person” or “I’m not a leader” we create an illusion of permanence and stasis. We trap ourselves in a narrow, fragmented identity based on concepts instead of recognising that we are a dynamic process that’s always evolving towards more wholeness that can be experienced.
This opens up a paradox:
To keep growing and evolving towards wholeness (which is ABSOLUTE because it’s the TRUTH) then -here in our life as fragmented creatures – we need to start stop thinking in terms of absolutes and to reflect on accept ourselves and others in terms of spectrums and continuums.
How to Shift into a ‘Shades of Grey’ Mindset
If you want to see reality more clearly, you need to learn to operate in the grey areas – here’s how:
1. Stop Using Absolutes – Use a Scale Instead
When you catch yourself thinking in black and white, reframe it:
Instead of: “I’m a failure”
Try: “On a scale from 1 to 100, how bad is this situation really?”
Instead of: “That person is toxic”
Try: “What percentage of their behaviour is difficult and what percentage is actually neutral or positive?”
Most of the time, things aren’t as extreme as they seem because when you shift from absolute labels to a spectrum-based mindset, your perspective expands and you release yourself from JUDGEMENTS that ‘belong’ to your ego and not reality.
2. Embrace Contradictions Within Yourself
In reality, you don’t have to be one thing or another – you can be both:
- You can be confident and insecure, depending on the context.
- You can be disciplined and lazy sometimes, depending on your energy levels.
- You can be loving and struggle with resentment, depending on the situation and your own emotional ‘stuff’.
Trying to force yourself into a singular identity only creates inner conflict in the long run:
REALNESS comes from embracing yourself as a WHOLE and accepting all of it – from realising that you are made up of seemingly opposing forces that can coexist and even complement each other when you zoom out and see the bigger picture of yourself and your life.
3. Recognise That Growth Is a Process, Not a Destination
Black-and-white thinking makes us believe that growth is a one-time event – that we can suddenly “arrive” at a final, perfect version of ourselves and therefore ‘stop’ growing because there’s no longer any point.
The professional term for this way of thinking is ‘bullshit’:
REAL growth is messy and non-linear – it doesn’t follow a straight path from ‘bad’ to ‘good’ but it moves in cycles.
One day, you might feel like you’ve completely healed from something, and the next, you might find yourself struggling with it again as your unconscious releases something else for you to process (for example).
That doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed‘ – it means you’re still alive, still growing, still in process because that’s just how life goes.
Moving from Fragmentation to Wholeness
When you stop splitting yourself into pieces, you start to integrate your Shadow Self and start to overcome the great Shadow Dance between the Ego and your hidden REAL self; you stop trying to eliminate your ‘bad’ parts and instead bring them into awareness, learning how to work with and accept them rather than go against them (which means you’ll be ready to take real ACTION).I
In short, wholeness isn’t about becoming perfect – it’s about embracing your REALNESS:
Realness means embracing the full spectrum of who you are and the TRUTH about what life is – the light and the dark, the order and the chaos, the certainty and the doubt. It means being fluid as you move through life rather than rigid, present rather than trapped in an identity/ego, and open to growth instead of fixated on control and futile attempts to stay the ‘same’ (the idea of which is always based on some either/or, black and white label).
When you learn to trust this process, you move beyond fear, beyond judgement, and into something deeper:
Reality itself (and REAL ALWAYS WORKS).
Practical Ways to Integrate This Mindset and GROW REAL
- Challenge Extreme Thoughts: Whenever you catch yourself thinking in absolute judgements, pause and ask: “Is this really 100% true?”
- Use the Scale Method: Rate situations, emotions, and people on a scale instead of labelling them.
- Observe, Don’t Judge: When you notice a behaviour in yourself or others, see it as an observation, not a judgement.
- Accept Your Contradictions: Remind yourself that being a mixture of strengths and weaknesses is natural and very REAL.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up for not being ‘good’ enough, recognise that wholeness includes imperfection when you’re made of fragments.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Seeing Clearly
When you let go of black-and-white thinking, you start to see reality for what it actually is – not a rigid set of rules or ‘labels’, but an ever-changing, dynamic process.
This makes you more open, more resilient, and more whole and allows you to stop resisting yourself and instead work with yourself.
Stay real out there,
*Based on ‘Revolution’ number twenty four in Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness
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