by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness
LETTING GO IS WHAT MAKES THINGS WORK OUT, NOT HOLDING ON.
Most people assume that if they just try harder, grip tighter, or push through, they’ll eventually get what they want…but the real power isn’t in the gripping – it’s in the releasing.
In this strange life that we’ve all found ourselves living, LETTING GO is what allows things to align, unfold, and work out in alignment with the natural order and the way that they’re ‘supposed’ to (in the sense that, in reality, it just is what it is).
This isn’t because we passively sit back and hope for the ‘best’ but because we stop clinging to illusions that were never real in the first place.
I’ve taken my fair share of detours in life – sometimes thinking I knew best; sometimes resisting the flow and trying to force things instead; sometimes getting caught in battles I didn’t need to fight – but I always come back to the same truth in the end: when I TRUST that life will work out, it always does.
I promise I don’t mean this in a naïve, wishful-thinking kind of way but in a way that acknowledges something a little deeper:
Letting go isn’t the weakness our culture tends to try and convince us it is – instead, it’s the hardest, strongest, and most real thing you can do.
Let’s dig a little deeper:
The Ego’s Illusions: Why We Resist Letting Go
The Ego thrives on control so that it can continue to maintain its hold over us and keep us from our real lives:
It tells us that if we just hold on a little longer or a little stronger or a little harder – to an idea, to an identity, to a plan, to a person, or anything else – then things will finally be ‘okay’.
- “If I can just make them understand…”
- “If I just work harder, then I’ll be worthy…”
- “If I just plan this down to the last detail, nothing will go wrong…”
- “If, if, if (there’s a theme here, it seems – “if” always means that we’re not in REALITY at some level)…”
But life simply just doesn’t work that way – the more we cling, the more friction we create between ourselves and reality.
And this friction doesn’t just drain our energy – it keeps us ‘stuck’ (which is always another sign that we’re disconnected from reality at some level).
The simple truth is this:
Holding on is based in fear. Letting go, on the other hand, is the gateway to realness because it’s rooted in TRUST (the opposite of fear). It’s the difference between forcing and flowing, between unnecessary tension and release.
If we can’t let go, it’s usually because we don’t trust – either ourselves, life, or reality itself – but trust isn’t something you ‘think’ your way into: it’s something you step into, through real action, experience, through evidence.
The Paradox: Letting Go is the Only Way to Get What You Actually Want
Here’s where it gets interesting:
The thing you’re holding onto so tightly? That very thing is what’s blocking you from getting what you actually want in your realness.
- You want deep connection? Let go of needing to be seen a certain way.
- You want success? Let go of your rigid idea of how it must happen.
- You want peace? Let go of trying to control every little thing.
All these things that we hold onto and cling to are just images we’ve created in our minds (usually because of our unresolved emotional ‘stuff’) – when we let go, we are free to experience REALITY, which is the only ‘place’ where we can ever get results.
The paradox is as follows:
The tighter you cling, the further you push things away. The more you release, the more things align.
Letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s about accepting and giving in – to reality, to truth, to what actually is.
Once you do that, things start working with you, instead of against you, because you actually have a REAL foundation (acceptance) on which to build.
Facing Reality: The Real Work of Letting Go
Letting go isn’t about sitting back and doing nothing (as many of the spiritual bullsh*ttery type philosophies on the internet will tell you) – it’s about doing what’s real.
Real action means facing reality as it is and doing something from your realness instead of doing it from your ego and this always involves giving up something – an illusion, a false belief, a comforting lie.
For example:
- Letting go of a relationship isn’t failure – it’s accepting that the connection isn’t serving either of you anymore and moving onto something more real.
- Letting go of a job that drains you isn’t weakness – it’s recognising that you’re meant for something greater and more aligned with your values and principles.
- Letting go of an identity you’ve outgrown isn’t losing yourself (which is impossible) – it’s finding yourself on a deeper level by uncovering your realness.
Every time we let go, we come closer to realness because if you keep letting go all that remains is what’s real:
We stop forcing and start flowing; we stop resisting and start allowing. And, in the process, we build a real sense of trust – because we see, first-hand, that things always work out when we stop trying to force them to and putting obstacles in our own path with the mind in the service of the Ego.
How to Let Go in Strength (Instead of Fear)
Letting go isn’t a one-time event but a practice and – if you do it in the right way – it doesn’t make you weaker but will become a source of strength in your life.
Here’s how to start:
1. Be Honest With Yourself About What You’re Holding Onto (and Why)
If you feel stuck, drained, or chronically anxious, there’s a good chance you’re holding onto something you need to release and it’s bringing friction and frustration to your life.
Ask yourself:
- What am I afraid will happen if I let go?
- Is this actually aligned with my realness or am I just hoping it is?
- Am I holding onto this because it’s real or because I’m scared of what’s on the other side?
Facing these questions and similar ones will reveal what’s keeping you trapped and ‘stuck’ in your head instead of living your real life out here in reality.
2. Make Peace with Uncertainty
Letting go feels scary because it means stepping into the unknown but everything good in life comes from the unknown (because it’s always where we find something new or true in the end): growth, love, new opportunities, deeper peace – they all require you to step beyond what’s familiar and to trust yourself and life.
Instead of seeing uncertainty as a threat, reframe it and welcome it as possibility.
- The unknown is where you meet new people.
- The unknown is where better opportunities exist.
- The unknown is where you find out what you’re really made of.
All you need to do is LET GO and TRUST.
3. Take the Smallest Real Action You Can
Letting go isn’t passive – it’s an active process.
But that doesn’t mean it has to be dramatic:
- If you’re clinging to an unhealthy relationship, start by setting a small boundary.
- If you’re stuck in a dead-end job, send out one application for one that’s more aligned with the real you and your long-term goals.
- If you’re obsessing over something you can’t control, take a deep breath, and refocus on what you can do.
Each small step builds evidence that letting go doesn’t destroy you – it frees you from all the things you were holding onto that were weighing you down.
4. Let Go Physically, Not Just Mentally
Letting go isn’t just a mindset shift but a shift at the level of your body too (because so much stress and tension from holding on unnecessarily puts strain on your nervous system and adds tension to your muscles).
Try these and you’ll see what I mean:
- Breathe deeply. When you exhale, imagine releasing what you no longer need (this also slows down your nervous system).
- Move your body. A long walk, a good workout, or even shaking out tension can help let go of emotional baggage and bodily tension.
- Meditate. Allowing your thoughts to do what they need to do – instead of forcing or resisting – helps clear mental and emotional clutter too.
5. Trust, Then Watch What Happens
At a certain point, you just have to step back and watch life do its thing as you do the things that you need to do.
When you truly let go, when you release your grip on control, life starts moving in ways you never could have forced it t and you realise you never had to hold on so tightly in the first place.
The Difference Between Ego and Realness is Letting Go
In the end, this is the truth:
Ego holds on; realness lets go.
Ego clings, resists, forces, and controls as it tries to manipulate reality into something it isn’t.
Realness releases, trusts, allows, and flows as it meets reality as it is and moves with it.
If you want to feel and be free, strong, and truly alive, you have to let go – not just once, but over and over again. Day-after-day.
And when you do?
You’ll see, first-hand, that things always work out when you stop trying to force them to.
Stay real out there,
Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.
It contains practical exercises and dedicated meditations (Transformational Bridges) to take you DEEP in knowing yourself and life.
This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).
Personal Revolutions: A Short Course in Realness is a book designed to help you look at your life from the inside-out so that you can stop holding yourself back and go get what you really want.
It contains 166 practical ‘Revolutions’ for awareness and over 8,000 Self-Guidance Questions for you to uncover new insight about yourself, the world, and reality that you can translate into action and start building your real life on the realest possible foundation.
Shadow Life is an exploration of the human shadow and the hidden side of our personalities. It looks at the masks we wear, where these masks come from, and how we can take them off.
The book explores how we can better manage our relationships with shame, guilt, and trauma in order to remove the Mask that the world has asked us to wear (and that we forgot we were wearing) so we can live an authentic life with less drama, chaos, or BS whilst we’re still around.
The Flow Builder Journal has everything you need to make the next 21-weeks of your life a turning point.
It has monthly, weekly, and daily (morning and evening) check-ins, tools and reflections to keep you in the zone and keep you flowing with zest and momentum.
If you want to get unstuck and grow REAL then check it out.
Download EGO/SHADOW/TRUST - a free guide to transformation that will walk you through the vital stages of Awareness, Acceptance, and Action with practical strategies to implement right away.
