Letting Go in Strength: Why Releasing Control is the Key to Realness

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

LETTING GO IS WHAT MAKES THINGS WORK OUT, NOT HOLDING ON.

Most people assume that if they just try harder, grip tighter, or push through, they’ll eventually get what they want…but the real power isn’t in the gripping – it’s in the releasing.

In this strange life that we’ve all found ourselves living, LETTING GO is what allows things to align, unfold, and work out in alignment with the natural order and the way that they’re ‘supposed’ to (in the sense that, in reality, it just is what it is).

This isn’t because we passively sit back and hope for the ‘best’ but because we stop clinging to illusions that were never real in the first place.

I’ve taken my fair share of detours in life – sometimes thinking I knew best; sometimes resisting the flow and trying to force things instead; sometimes getting caught in battles I didn’t need to fight – but I always come back to the same truth in the end: when I TRUST that life will work out, it always does.

I promise I don’t mean this in a naïve, wishful-thinking kind of way but in a way that acknowledges something a little deeper:

Letting go isn’t the weakness our culture tends to try and convince us it is – instead, it’s the hardest, strongest, and most real thing you can do.

Let’s dig a little deeper:

The Ego’s Illusions: Why We Resist Letting Go

The Ego thrives on control so that it can continue to maintain its hold over us and keep us from our real lives:

It tells us that if we just hold on a little longer or a little stronger or a little harder – to an idea, to an identity, to a plan, to a person, or anything else – then things will finally be ‘okay’.

“If I can just make them understand…”
“If I just work harder, then I’ll be worthy…”
“If I just plan this down to the last detail, nothing will go wrong…”
“If, if, if (there’s a theme here, it seems – “if” always means that we’re not in REALITY at some level)…”

But life simply just doesn’t work that way – the more we cling, the more friction we create between ourselves and reality.

And this friction doesn’t just drain our energy – it keeps us ‘stuck’ (which is always another sign that we’re disconnected from reality at some level).

The simple truth is this:

Holding on is based in fear. Letting go, on the other hand, is the gateway to realness because it’s rooted in TRUST (the opposite of fear). It’s the difference between forcing and flowing, between unnecessary tension and release.

If we can’t let go, it’s usually because we don’t trust – either ourselves, life, or reality itself – but trust isn’t something you ‘think’ your way into: it’s something you step into, through real action, experience, through evidence.

Trust is often the secret of learning to let go and letting go of the past forever.

The Paradox: Letting Go is the Only Way to Get What You Actually Want

Here’s where it gets interesting:

The thing you’re holding onto so tightly? That very thing is what’s blocking you from getting what you actually want in your realness.

You want deep connection? Let go of needing to be seen a certain way.
You want success? Let go of your rigid idea of how it must happen.
You want peace? Let go of trying to control every little thing.

All these things that we hold onto and cling to are just images we’ve created in our minds (usually because of our unresolved emotional ‘stuff’) – when we let go, we are free to experience REALITY, which is the only ‘place’ where we can ever get results.

The paradox is as follows:

The tighter you cling, the further you push things away. The more you release, the more things align.

Letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s about accepting and giving in – to reality, to truth, to what actually is.

Once you do that, things start working with you, instead of against you, because you actually have a REAL foundation (acceptance) on which to build.

Facing Reality: The Real Work of Letting Go

Letting go isn’t about sitting back and doing nothing (as many of the spiritual bullsh*ttery type philosophies on the internet will tell you) – it’s about doing what’s real.

Real action means facing reality as it is and doing something from your realness instead of doing it from your ego and this always involves giving up something – an illusion, a false belief, a comforting lie.

For example:

Letting go of a relationship isn’t failure – it’s accepting that the connection isn’t serving either of you anymore and moving onto something more real.
Letting go of a job that drains you isn’t weakness – it’s recognising that you’re meant for something greater and more aligned with your values and principles.
Letting go of an identity you’ve outgrown isn’t losing yourself (which is impossible) – it’s finding yourself on a deeper level by uncovering your realness.

Every time we let go, we come closer to realness because if you keep letting go all that remains is what’s real:

We stop forcing and start flowing; we stop resisting and start allowing. And, in the process, we build a real sense of trust – because we see, first-hand, that things always work out when we stop trying to force them to and putting obstacles in our own path with the mind in the service of the Ego.

How to Let Go in Strength (Instead of Fear)

Letting go isn’t a one-time event but a practice and – if you do it in the right way – it doesn’t make you weaker but will become a source of strength in your life.

Here’s how to start:

1. Be Honest With Yourself About What You’re Holding Onto (and Why)

If you feel stuck, drained, or chronically anxious, there’s a good chance you’re holding onto something you need to release and it’s bringing friction and frustration to your life.

Ask yourself:

What am I afraid will happen if I let go?
Is this actually aligned with my realness or am I just hoping it is?
Am I holding onto this because it’s real or because I’m scared of what’s on the other side?

Facing these questions and similar ones will reveal what’s keeping you trapped and ‘stuck’ in your head instead of living your real life out here in reality.

2. Make Peace with Uncertainty

Letting go feels scary because it means stepping into the unknown but everything good in life comes from the unknown (because it’s always where we find something new or true in the end): growth, love, new opportunities, deeper peace – they all require you to step beyond what’s familiar and to trust yourself and life.

Instead of seeing uncertainty as a threat, reframe it and welcome it as possibility.

The unknown is where you meet new people.
The unknown is where better opportunities exist.
The unknown is where you find out what you’re really made of.

All you need to do is LET GO and TRUST.

3. Take the Smallest Real Action You Can

Letting go isn’t passive – it’s an active process.

But that doesn’t mean it has to be dramatic:

If you’re clinging to an unhealthy relationship, start by setting a small boundary.
If you’re stuck in a dead-end job, send out one application for one that’s more aligned with the real you and your long-term goals.
If you’re obsessing over something you can’t control, take a deep breath, and refocus on what you can do.

Each small step builds evidence that letting go doesn’t destroy you – it frees you from all the things you were holding onto that were weighing you down.

4. Let Go Physically, Not Just Mentally

Letting go isn’t just a mindset shift but a shift at the level of your body too (because so much stress and tension from holding on unnecessarily puts strain on your nervous system and adds tension to your muscles).

Try these and you’ll see what I mean:

Breathe deeply. When you exhale, imagine releasing what you no longer need (this also slows down your nervous system).
Move your body. A long walk, a good workout, or even shaking out tension can help let go of emotional baggage and bodily tension.
Meditate. Allowing your thoughts to do what they need to do – instead of forcing or resisting – helps clear mental and emotional clutter too.

5. Trust, Then Watch What Happens

At a certain point, you just have to step back and watch life do its thing as you do the things that you need to do.

When you truly let go, when you release your grip on control, life starts moving in ways you never could have forced it t and you realise you never had to hold on so tightly in the first place.

The Difference Between Ego and Realness is Letting Go

In the end, this is the truth:

Ego holds on; realness lets go.

Ego clings, resists, forces, and controls as it tries to manipulate reality into something it isn’t.

Realness releases, trusts, allows, and flows as it meets reality as it is and moves with it.

If you want to feel and be free, strong, and truly alive, you have to let go – not just once, but over and over again. Day-after-day.

And when you do?

You’ll see, first-hand, that things always work out when you stop trying to force them to.

Stay real out there,

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Real Always Works

LETTING GO IS WHAT MAKES THINGS WORK OUT, NOT HOLDING ON.

The Ego’s Illusions: Why We Resist Letting Go

The Paradox: Letting Go is the Only Way to Get What You Actually Want

Facing Reality: The Real Work of Letting Go

How to Let Go in Strength (Instead of Fear)