Frame: Maintaining a Relationship with Reality

by Oli Anderson, Transformational Coach for Realness

Whose Frame Are You Living In?

Life gets a lot easier when you slow down and flow with your own FRAME.

This is a pretty simple idea, yet it holds profound implications for the way you can navigate relationships, society, and even your own sense of self.

When you start paying attention to your own ‘Frame’ – your unique interpretation of reality – you’ll realise how often you unconsciously surrender it to someone else, and how much this subtle surrender can shape our happiness, choices, and the results we get in life.

What Is a Frame?

In this context, a frame is your personal filter or interpretation of reality:

It’s the way you see and make sense of the world, shaped by your beliefs, experiences, and emotions. You can think of it as a kind of mental and emotional lens through which you interact with life.

What’s important to know is that frames aren’t fixed – they’re fluid and we often switch between one frame and another without even realising it. This is especially true when we’re interacting with others -partners, colleagues, society at large – whose frames might dominate or influence our own if we’re acting on autopilot and not paying attention.

The short-version of why this is important is that – when you lose control of your frame – you essentially hand over the reins of your emotional and mental reality to someone else. Their interpretation becomes your truth, and that’s where the trouble begins and your sense of self (EGO, in this case) gets enmeshed with the world around you.

This can just lead to you getting lost to the Void.

Unreality: The Trap of Living in Someone Else’s Frame

A lot of people are miserable and fail to get the results they want in life purely because they’ve given up control of their own frame. Why does this happen?

The answer often boils down to F.E.A.R – “false evidence appearing real.”

Unreal fear convinces us to accept interpretations of reality that don’t serve our growth or goals.

For instance:

In relationships, fear of conflict or rejection might lead you to adopt your partner’s perspective, even if it clashes with your core values.
In society, fear of standing out or being judged based on society’s ‘frame’ might cause you to conform to social norms that don’t align with your true self.
In work, fear of failure might push you to chase someone else’s idea of success, ignoring what truly fulfils you.

Over time, living in someone else’s frame can leave you feeling disconnected, drained, and stuck – you might achieve external success but feel hollow inside. Even worse, you might struggle to achieve anything at all because your decisions are rooted in a reality that isn’t even yours and so your thoughts and actions become more and more unreal.

Reality vs Interpretation

It’s crucial to remember: reality is always reality, but interpretations vary. Reality is what it is but how we interpret this is-ness is affected by our own inner experience of ourselves and what we’re willing to face about life – this creates interpretations that shape our frames.

For example, two people might face the same challenge, such as losing a job. One person’s frame might interpret this as a devastating failure, while the other sees it as an opportunity to start fresh. The reality of losing a job doesn’t change, but the interpretation determines the emotional response and subsequent actions.

The difference between our CHOICE for one frame or another comes down to our unresolved emotional ‘stuff’ (shame, guilt, and/or trauma, usually) and what’s going on inside ourselves. When we get squeezed, the juice often reveals what’s inside us…

Anyway, when we unconsciously adopt someone else’s frame, we start living in their interpretation of reality. This is a ‘problem’ and can lead to UNREALITY because their interpretation might not even align with truth – or with what’s best for us.

Reclaiming Your Frame

The way to undo this programming is simple but not always easy: slow down and pay attention to whose frame you’re in at a given moment.

Slowing down is essential because we often get caught up in the rush of life, reacting to external pressures without pausing to reflect – this creates the perfect environment for other people’s frames to dominate.

Slowing down allows you to:

Check in with yourself: Are your current thoughts, emotions, and decisions aligned with your truth, or are they influenced by someone else’s interpretation and ideas about how something ‘should’ be?
Cultivate awareness: Notice when you’re slipping into someone else’s frame – this might happen in subtle ways, like agreeing to something you don’t really want or suppressing your feelings to avoid conflict.
Re-centre your frame: Remind yourself of your own goals, values, and reality. Ask, “Does this serve my growth and in a REAL way?”

Frames in Relationships

In intimate relationships, frames become even more dynamic:

When there’s true presence and connection, the boundaries between frames dissolve, creating a shared frame of mutual understanding and wholeness (in other words: more presence, less frame).

These moments of intimacy are powerful but outside of these moments of deep connection, maintaining your own frame is essential for your sanity and individuality. Even in the healthiest relationships, there will be times when your partner’s frame clashes with yours. Without awareness, it’s easy to unconsciously get sucked into their interpretation of reality and to lose your own rootedness.

For relationships to function well, there needs to be mutual respect – a collective or tribal frame where both individuals maintain their authenticity while finding common ground. This respect ensures that neither person dominates the other’s reality, allowing the relationship to thrive as a partnership rather than a power struggle. You can only get to this point by KNOWING and having CONFIDENCE in your own frame so that it doesn’t get shaken without your permission.

Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Frame and Get REAL

If you find yourself living in someone else’s frame more often than you’d like, here are some practical steps to reclaim your own:

Slow Down: Build moments of stillness into your day – whether it’s through meditation, journaling, or simply taking a walk without distractions. Slowing down creates space for reflection and recalibration and allows you to get back in touch with your own real core (so your frame can be ROOTED in something real and not something external).
Ask Questions: When faced with a decision or conflict, ask yourself: “Is this really the truth, or am I acting based on someone else’s expectations or fears and their interpretation of things/frame?”
Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your needs and values to others. This helps you stay anchored in your frame while fostering mutual respect. The easiest way to start setting boundaries is to say “NO” to anything unreal and “YES” to anything real.
Practise Presence: Be fully present in your interactions. This doesn’t mean abandoning your frame but rather engaging with others without losing yourself by knowing where your frame ends and theirs begins.
Reflect Regularly: Take time to review your day and notice moments where you might have slipped into someone else’s frame. Awareness is the first step to change. Keeping a journal (like my Flow Builder) can help with this for sure.

Flowing With Your Own Frame

Ultimately, life becomes easier and more fulfilling when you learn to flow with your own frame. This doesn’t mean rejecting other people’s perspectives altogether – it means being grounded enough in the truth to engage with others from a place of REALNESS rather than F.E.A.R (“false evidence appearing real”).

When you’re in your frame, you’re no longer at the mercy of external interpretations. You make decisions that align with your values and goals, leading to better results and deeper satisfaction. And because you’re not projecting your fears onto others, your relationships improve too – creating space for genuine connection and mutual growth.

Final Thoughts

Reality is always reality and it always works. The facts don’t change, but the frames we adopt can make life much harder – or much easier – than it needs to be.

By slowing down and reclaiming your frame, you take back control of your emotions, your choices, and your life.

So, whose frame are you living in? And is it time to flow back into your own?

Stay real out there,

Trust: A Manual for Becoming the Void, Building Flow, and Finding Peace is a book about learning to return to your realness by cultivating trust in yourself and trust in life.

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This book will answer many of the questions you have growing REAL and flowing towards wholeness. It covers everything from shame to addiction to the unconscious mind and synchronicity (and way more).

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